Bookshelf Battle

Rusty brushed his teeth with Cole’s toothbrush, a move that did not strike him as the least bit disgusting. He rinsed his mouth out with water, then walked into a spare bedroom, only to be screamed at by an old lady.

“Holy shit, Maude!” Rusty shouted. “I had no idea you could move like that.”

“Get out!” Maude shouted.

Rusty grabbed the door knob, gave Burt a thumb’s up, then shut the door behind him. He walked through Cole’s living room to a second spare bedroom only to find, to his great surprise, Moses and Felix in bed, bare chested and hugging each other.

“Whoa!” Rusty cried out.

Moses and Felix sat up in bed, yanking the covers up over their bare chests.

“Don’t you knock?!” Moses shouted.

“I’m sorry, amigos,” Rusty said. “Didn’t know this room was occupado. I’m just going to go crash on the couch, so…”

“This isn’t what it looks like,” Moses said.

“That’s cool,” Rusty said. “I’m just gonna go.”

“We’re not gay,” Moses said.

“Not a problem if you are,” Rusty said. “It’s 2017.”

“We just like to snuggle,” Moses said.

Rusty’s heart pounded. Every 1980s love ballad he’d ever heard before poured through his mind. “Come again?”

“We’re heteronormative cuddle queer sexuals,” Moses said.

Rusty clutched his chest. “Oh my God. It really is a thing.”

“Of course it is, bigot,” Moses said. “It’s 2017. Every thing is a thing.”

“No,” Rusty said as he stepped further into the room. “It’s just, I thought I was the only one.”

“You mean you’re a heteronormative cuddle queer sexual too?” Moses asked.

“Yes,” Rusty said. “I recently learned that about myself after snuggling a gay man.”
Moses squirted some lotion of Felix’s shoulders and gave his buddy a good, hard rubdown. “You snuggled a gay man? You homo!”

“No!” Rusty said. “It wasn’t like that. We just, you know, did what you guys are doing.”

“Aint nothing wrong with it,” Moses said.

“No there isn’t,” Rusty said.

“We’re just two red blooded heterosexual males providing each other with a little warmth and comfort,” Moses said. “We saw a lot of shit in the war so, you know, sometimes ole Felix here is the only one I feel like I can talk to, even though he won’t talk back to me.”

“That’s really nice,” Rusty said.

Felix nodded, then closed his hands and enjoyed the back rub.

“Of course, I’d blow my brains out before I’d ever let a pecker get anywhere near my backdoor,” Moses said. “Felix feels the same way, don’t you Felix?”

Felix nodded.

“Me too!” Rusty said. “I don’t want any gay sex.”

“I should hope not,” Moses said. “That’s the devil’s work right there.”

“And I still love pussy,” Rusty said.

“Oh hell, Felix and I are pussy magnets,” Moses said. “All we gotta do is belly up to the bar, I start telling our war stories and before you know it, we’re buried under all the poontang.”

“Damn it,” Rusty said. “I wish I had some good war stories so I could get buried under a sea of poontang.”

“You’re a cop, aint you?” Moses asked. “Bitches love a man in uniform.”

“Yeah,” Rusty said. “I don’t have any good stories though.”

“Make some shit up,” Moses said. “The ladies won’t ever know.”

“You think so?” Rusty asked.

“Damn straight,” Moses said. “You gotta get that pussy any way you can get it, boy.”

“Cool,” Rusty said as he headed for the door. “Well, I’ll let you guys get back to it.”

Moses patted the bed. “You want in on this, buddy?”

Rusty pivoted around. “Excuse me?”
“This aint our first rodeo, boy,” Moses said. “Felix and I have been in a three-way man snuggle sandwich before.”

“You have?” Rusty asked.

“Shit yeah,” Moses said. “What do you thing happens at the conventions?”

Rusty’s jaw dropped. “There are conventions?”

“Shoot,” Moses said. “You don’t know much about this, do you boy? Hell yeah, there are all sorts of conventions and organizations dedicated to male on male snuggling. Why, Felix and I have been thinking about starting our own club for heteronormative cuddle queer sexuals right here in Sitwell.”

“I’d like to join that club,” Rusty said. “I really would.”

“Well,” Moses said as he patted the shed. “Time’s a wastin’ boy. Don’t be shy.”

Rusty stepped closer to the bed, then stopped. “Is this promiscuous?”

“What?” Moses asked.

“I just figured out I’m into male on male snuggling,” Rusty said. “I don’t know if I should run around snuggling just anyone.”

“Oh come on,” Moses said. “Don’t be a prude. We’re just cuddling. It’s not like anything is going into anywhere.”

“Well,” Rusty said as he hopped into bed right between Moses and Felix. “When you put it that way. What’s first, fellas? Tickle fight?”

“Normally, yes, but we have to help Cole kill a toilet gator tomorrow,” Moses said.

“Oh right,” Moses said. “Tickle blocked by the toilet gator.”

Moses wrapped his arms around Rusty’s left side. Felix did the same to Rusty’s right. Both men stared at Rusty intently while he focused his eyes on the ceiling.

“How’s that?” Moses asked.

Rusty shuddered in ecstacy. “So good.”

“Goodnight, meat,” Moses said as he and Felix closed their eyes.

“Meat?” Rusty asked.

“Yeah,” Moses said. “You’re the meat in this man sandwich. Felix and I are the buns.”

Rusty laughed. “Oh yeah. Good night, buns.”
“Just don’t think about going anywhere near our buns,” Moses said.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Rusty said.

“Good,” Moses said. “Because we’re not gay.”

“Me neither,” Rusty said.

“That’s gross,” Moses said.

“Totally disgusting,” Rusty said.

Rusty looked up at the ceiling for a while. “Felix’s feet are like a couple of popsicles.”

“Yeah,” Moses said. “He tends to run cold.”

After a few minutes, Moses and Felix fell asleep. Alas, rest evaded Rusty, for he was so excited to learn that he wasn’t the only heteronormative cuddle queer sexual in the world but rather, there were many like-minded men out there that he could enjoy his newly discovered reason for being with. He lied awake for hours, safely wrapped up in two sets of man arms until Cole bursted into the room around seven a.m.

“Hey Rusty,” Cole said. “It’s time to…what the?!”

Moses, Rusty, and Felix all sat up, yanking the covers over their bare chests.

“Don’t you knock?” Moses asked.

“It’s not what it looks like!” Rusty shouted. “We’re not gay!”

“Whatever,” Cole said as he walked out of the room. “I’ll be in the car.”

Network News One Transcript #8

KURT MANLEY: Witnesses on the scene report the bank robbers took off all their clothes and had a menage a trios right there in the vault with nothing but their socks and ski masks on. Authorities had no idea whether to break the orgy up or let it run its course so they just hanged back and pretended to not notice anything was going on until it was all over. Legal experts say it’ll be quite some time before the bandits will be eligible for parole. In other news, Schmo Tech just released a brand new version of the Schmo Phone. Dubbed the Schmo Phone 12, it promises all sorts of advanced apps and features to justify the price hike. One of NN1’s Hot Ass Blonde Chicks with Big Titties interviewed the legion of nerds camped outside the Big Apple’s Schmo Store, waiting to be one of the first geeks to get their hands on the device.

(Cut to a Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties, interviewing a nerd outside the Schmo Store in Times Square.)

RANDOM NERD: I’ve been a Schmo my whole life. I’ll always be a Schmo. Schmo Tech rules.

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: But didn’t the Schmo Phone 11.9 just come out last Tuesday?

RANDOM NERD: Yes and it was awesome. I loved it.

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: So why spend your money on a new version today?

RANDOM NERD: Because the Schmo Phone 11.9 is now an obsolete piece of garbage ready for the landfill. Schmo Phone 12 is where it’s at.

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: But it’s only been about a week or so.

RANDOM NERD: Ugh. Don’t remind me. No one should ever be stuck with the same phone for more than a week. I mean, serious, what are we, cave people?

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Do you think there might be some profiteering involved? For example, this new Schmo Phone requires the user to buy a brand new charger and a brand new set of ear phones. Was it really necessary for these accessory ports to change?

RANDOM NERD: Of course. I totally trust the good people of Schmo Tech with all of my technology needs, and my personal information and the details of everything I’m searching the web for and the data behind everyone I’m calling and talking to and my daily schedule and all of my movements, where I’m going, what I’m doing, etc. There’s no way anyone at Schmo Tech would ever betray the trust that I have placed in them so blindly and carelessly.

(The Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties turns to the camera.)

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Well, there you have it, Kurt. Schmo Tech loves nerds and nerds love Schmo Tech.

KURT MANLEY: Thanks, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Don’t forget to grab one of those phones for me.

(Kurt turns to a different camera.)

KURT MANLEY: Back to our main story, the humongous toilet gator who has every man, woman and child in the free world scared literally shitless. Have you all recovered since seeing that footage of the Mayor of Sitwell, Florida being devoured by a vicious lizard of gargantuan proportions? I have to admit, that sight made your favorite anchor’s stomach just a tad queasy. Meanwhile, you all might be too scared to shit, but the politicians are never too afraid to talk shit. President Vinny Stugotz and Florida Governor Brian Graysmith held a joint press conference in Tallahassee to address the toilet gator situation.

(Camera cuts to Governor Brian Graysmith behind a podium as a gaggle of reporters wave their hands about, looking to have their questions answered.)

GOVERNOR GRAYSMITH: Calm down, everyone. Calm down. Again, I’d like to remind you all that the one and only reason we are here today is to discuss the massive alligator that is currently on the loose, most likely on the run in our state’s sewer system and could very well be plotting to eat you and your loved ones while you defecate on the toilet. The President is a very busy man and I thank him for being here in Florida’s time of need. This is truly the darkest time period in our state’s history since we learned our chads were hanging. So please, limit your questions to the toilet gator and only the toilet gator and do not ask any questions about the ridiculous number of prostitutes I hired because if you do, you will be ignored. Yes, you! What’s your question?

RANDOM REPORTER #1: Governor, can you address allegations that you used public funds to pay for the ridiculous amount of hookers found in your hotel suite?

GOVERNOR GRAYSMITH: You will be ignored! Next question.

RANDOM REPORTER #2 – Governor, should everyone run around screaming and yelling at the top of their lungs, panicking like a bunch of escaped insane asylum lunatics until the toilet gator is subdued?

GOVERNOR GRAYSMITH: Yes, I think that would be…

(PRESIDENT STUGOTZ pushes Governor Graysmith aside and takes the podium.)

PRESIDENT STUGOTZ: OK, that’s enough out of you, lightweight. I’m sorry, I know, everyone tells me I should try to be nicer but I just couldn’t take it anymore. Governor Graysmith is a nice guy but believe me, he’s a total low energy loser and a big time hack. Believe me, OK? Believe me. Let’s talk about the toilet gator, OK? All you big losers in the media, you purveyors of fake news love to run around, stirring the public up, saying “What’s President Stugotz doing about the toilet gator?” and “Oh, shouldn’t President Stugotz have caught the toilet gator by now?” Listen. When it comes to catching toilet gators, no one is better at catching toilet gators than me, OK? Believe me. I’ve got a broad coalition of federal, state, and local officials combing the sewer system as we speak and we will find this toilet gator and bring his scaly hide to justice, that I can guarantee you. You are all so lucky to have my as president right now, OK, because believe me, anyone else would be quaking in their boots in fear of this toilet gator. Alright, I guess I’ll acknowledge you people in the media who are, quite frankly, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, a bunch of degenerate, scum sucking pigs. You’re all pigs. That’s all there is to it. Which one of you pigs has a question?

RANDOM REPORTER #3 – Mr. President, when you speak about the toilet gator in such unflattering terms, do you realize you’re insulting the entire community of alligators at large, many of whom are peaceful and law abiding?

PRESIDENT STUGOTZ: You’re a pig. Seriously. Take your underpants, pull them up over your back and attach them to your face because you deserve an atomic wedgie. Seriously. That’s what you deserve. Big time. Am I against all alligators? No. But for all the alligators out there, here’s the deal. You want to be an alligator in this country? You’ve got to play by the rules and act the way you’re supposed to. That means if you’re an alligator, you hang out in the swamp, maybe you eat a rat or frog or worst case scenario, a small child that wandered off from a campsite, just to teach the kid’s parents a costly lesson about responsibility. Maybe you can join the circus or a traveling carnival and do tricks but that’s all we want out of our alligators and if you behave yourselves, then you’ll have no problem from me. But, if you think you’re going to eat a bunch of God fearing Americans while they’re exercising their God given right to shit, no, not on my watch, bucko.

RANDOM REPORTER #4 – Mr. President, do you think it is possible to contain such an enormous beast?

PRESIDENT STUGOTZ: Listen up, pencil dick, and by the way, I don’t say that to be mean, I’m just stating a fact, that you have a tiny weenus, whereas mine is thick, long and girthy and if you don’t believe me, you can ask my supermodel wife, who is way hotter than your wife. That’s just a fact. It’s true. It’s totally true. Big time truth, here. And yes, you lowlife, I believe it is possible to capture the toilet gator because as long as I am president, anything is possible, OK? Keep in mind that all law enforcement officials have been instructed to kill the toilet gator on sight. However, if it ends up that the toilet gator is taken into custody, then I will be left with no choice but to build a wall around the toilet gator and make the toilet gator pay for it.

(The reporters wave their hands around, shouting out questions.)

PRESIDENT STUGOTZ: That’s enough questions for today. Remember, you’re all horrible people who should go home, take a long look in the mirror, and think about the many ways in which you have disappointed yourselves, your country, and your president. Stugotz out!

(Back to Kurt in studio).

KURT MANLEY: Some tough words for the toilet gator from President Stugotz. We take you now to Sitwell, Florida, where one of our Hot Ass Blonde Chicks with Big Titties is standing by with Cole Walker, the former police chief of Sitwell.

(Cut to Natalie Brock standing with Cole Walker outside the Sitwell Community College Library.)

KURT MANLEY: I understand it’s been a rough day in Sitwell, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties.

NATALIE BROCK: Indeed, Kurt. Earlier today, a joint task force raided the home of Mayor Beaumont Dufresne, the man seen earlier being eaten alive by the toilet gator in a live television commercial. Authorities were hoping to take the Mayor’s son, Buford Dufresne, into custody as he was suspecting of aiding and abetting the toilet gator.

KURT MANLEY: Get out of town. Are you telling me the toilet gator had a human accomplice?

NATALIE BROCK: It looks that way, Kurt.

KURT MANLEY: This case is nuttier than a jar of chunky peanut butter.

NATALIE BROCK: Unfortunately, before the suspect could be apprehended, the toilet gator quite literally bursted onto the scene and gobbled up his conspirator as well as the entire task force.

KURT MANLEY: Holy flaming shitballs. That’s gotta be scary when the last thing you see in this life is the jaws of a hungry toilet gator coming at you.

NATALIE BROCK: Indeed. Meanwhile, the situation on the ground is getting intense, as citizens the National Guard has been deployed to enforce martial laws. Despite the increased military presence in the area, citizens continue to panic in a disorderly, reckless manner.

(Cut to a riot scene in downtown Sitwell. Looters run out of grocery store carrying stolen boxes of diapers. An angry rioter throws a trash can through the window of another store, then runs toward the camera with his arms flailing to and fro.)

ANGRY RIOTER: I’m panicking in a disorderly, reckless manner! ARRGH!

(NATALIE BROCK returns to screen).

NATALIE BROCK: Kurt, I’m joined by ex-police Chief Cole Walker, who has asked to speak to the toilet gator directly.

KURT MANLEY: Have at it, Mr. Walker.

(Natalie stares at Cole, who blinks at the camera.)

NATALIE BROCK: You’re on.

COLE WALKER: Oh. OK.

(Cole appears nervous. His hand trembles as he pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket, unfolds it and begins to read it.)

COLE WALKER: I’m sorry. I’ve never been on TV before.

KURT MANLEY: Relax, fella. You’re doing fine. If a bunch of dumb blonde bimbos with big racks can do it, then it’ll be a cinch for you, right Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties?

NATALIE BROCK: Sure, Kurt.

(Cole reads his note in a monotone voice, devoid of feeling.)

COLE WALKER: Attention, toilet gator. You have eaten a lot of private citizens who had no idea you were coming, as well as a joint task force who didn’t have any idea how to handle you. I have a question. Do you think you can take on an experienced hunter like me, a man who has faced some of the toughest animals in nature and is still here? I doubt you’d last long against me. In fact, I’m willing to bet you have a tiny alligator penis and my human penis is way bigger than yours. You wouldn’t last three seconds against me, but if you want to prove me wrong, meet me in the men’s restroom of the Sitwell Park Mall and we’ll finish this once and for all. Man vs. Alligator, mano a mano, human vs. reptile combat. Fail to show, and I will return to the airwaves to tell the world that you are little more than a giant green pussy with teeth.

(Cole looks up from his note.)

COLE WALKER: Thank you. That is all.

KURT MANLEY: Wow. “A giant green pussy with teeth.” Sounds like the third Mrs. Manley. There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The toilet gator has been called out. Will he rise to the challenge? Man vs. Beast. Stick with NN1 to find out who wins. That’s it for now. Coming up in the next hour, is there a brand of butter that can turn an English muffin into a hot flaming disc of death? Better stop eating that muffin for now and we’ll tell you which brand of butter that is in the next hour, right after sports and weather. Stay tuned for these commercial messages.

ANNOUNCER: Network News One! The hottest blonde chicks! The biggest titties! Oh yeah, and occasionally we report the news and shit.