“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
– Maya Angelou
There’s truth to that, isn’t there? Sometimes life would be easier if I didn’t feel this need to write…
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Tag Archives: books
In Case You Think I’m Making this $h#t Up…
There is an actual Yeti journal…
I wonder if they’ll do a story on the one I have living on my couch, eating all my snacks, writing on my blog without permission and in general, being a major pain in the wazoo.
Yetis. I hate Yetis.
I hate to beg, but 400 more follows for @bookshelfbattle on Twitter brings me to the goal needed to free Bookshelf Battle HQ from unjust Yeti occupation.
Think about it – your follows not only aid me in my mission to spread literacy across the globe, they also help me foil the plans of a stupid Yeti.
I hate Yetis.
“Yeti Researcher” Image via a Creative Commons License by Dan Germain
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
I’ve plied the Yeti with enough green beer to knock out…well, a Yeti. So now I have a minute or two to share a quote from classic Irish writer James Joyce:
“You made me confess the fears that I have. But I will tell you also what I do not fear. I do not fear to be alone or to be spurned for another or to leave whatever I have to leave. And I am not afraid to make a mistake, even a great mistake, a lifelong mistake and perhaps as long as eternity too.”
– James Joyce, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
That’s more than just a throwaway quote, isn’t it? Fear of ending up alone. Fear of losing your love to another. Fear of making a mistake, especially a long lasting mistake. These are fears that build up inside of us and yet, we need to try to find away to ignore them lest we become so paralyzed with fear that we are no longer able to live life.
But enough of the serious talk…beer!
Ask the Alien
Alien Jones here with a quick reminder that despite Bookshelf Q. Battler’s current predicament as a yeti hostage, I will still be taking your questions and plugging your work in my Sunday column.
If you have a question, please submit it by midnight Friday. Leave it in the comments, tweet it to @bookshelfbattle or leave it on BQB’s Google Plus page.
Yeti Book Review
Hello. This is the Yeti. I am reviewing a book. Can you see it? I don’t care. It is a good book. Buy it already. Or don’t. What do I care? END OF BOOK REVIEW!
Ten Ways to Stretch Your Toilet Paper Rations
By: The Siberian Yeti, Newly Self-Apponted Ruler of the Bookshelf Battle Blog
3.5 readers. How utterly decadent. Very Western. Very American. Very “oh look at me, I’m a blogger, I’m special, I’m going to post a picture of what I ate for lunch today because I am so great everyone will want to know!”
Bozhe moi. In my village, we have only one newspaper. Literally, we only have one copy of a newspaper. It was printed in 1943 and we Yetis have been reading it ever since. It is our second favorite form of entertainment, the first being our state of the art Commodore 64.
But you Americans? You have so many options to choose from when it comes to the written word. So much free thought can’t be good for you.
You may notice that Bookshelf Q. Battler’s posts are still popping up now and then. They will do that for awhile. He has scheduled many posts in advance.
But rest assure, Mr. Battler and his Head of Security, Bookshelf Battle Dog, are locked up in the basement, where they are being forced to watch a selection of my favorite Russian films:
Olga’s Stew-stravaganza
Dude, Where’s My Yugo?
Ivan and Anatoly’s Adventure, Which Was No More or Less Excellent than the Adventures of Other Citizens
Vodka Wars
The Passion of the Ration
For over a year, I have requested that Bookshelf Q. review my book, Ten Ways to Stretch Your Toilet Paper Rations. Imbecile that he is, he has constantly refused me.
Now I know why. Look at this ridiculous display of Western greed I found in the bathroom once occupied by the former proprietor of this so-called book blog:
Bookshelf Q. Battler, that is definitely more than 3 squares!
As you are aware, we Siberians believe in weekly rations of three squares of toilet paper. No more. No less. Frankly, we could get by on two. We would be grateful to just have one.
But four squares? Why don’t we just put on cowboy hats and have fake silicone bosoms attached to ourselves while we’re at it?
Now that Bookshelf Q. Battler is indisposed, he can no longer stand in my way. I will now review my book myself.
Ten Ways to Stretch Your Toilet Paper Rations, a new non-fiction book by the Siberian Yeti, is a fantastic read. You are all ordered to purchase it immediately. End of review.
If you are unable to find my book on your favorite American website, Amazon, the site you fat, stupid, lazy Americans use to have flying robots deliver snacks and video games straight to your homes, thus allowing your copious bottoms to become one with your couches, then I will simply share the ten ways below:
Top Ten Ways to Stretch Your Toilet Paper Rations
10. Pinecones. Don’t ask. You’ll figure it out.
9. Stop eating. You’ve had enough already.
8. Use both sides.
7. Subsidize your TP budget with leaves.
6. Use pages from the 1943 newspaper.
5. Seek assistance of rabbits, as suggested by noted American philosopher Eddie Murphy
4. Horde TP squares during times of constipation, and they will be ready in times of dispensation. Always be ready for times of boom and bust.
3. Barter your services in exchange for payment in TP squares from your fellow man.
2. Run through a car wash. One day we might get cars that don’t fall apart when we wash them.
1. Hold it indefinitely.
Yes, my new book is sure to be a big time NYT bestseller. Step aside, Mr. James Patterson. Out of the way, Mr. Steven King. The Siberian Yeti will be climbing the charts, all thanks to my conquest of a book blog viewed by 3.5 readers.
We Siberian Yetis do everything our government requests of us with no question. You silly free-thinking Americans are no doubt filled with questions, so you may leave them in the comments below and I will respond with all the ways in which you are wrong.
I must go now and give Bookshelf Q. Battler his daily water ration. One dixie cup. No more. No less.
Can’t Stop the One Post a Day Challenge
And it continues…
QUESTION: Cthulhu
ANSWER: Cthuwhatwho?
QUESTION: Cthulhu. A mythical monster, akin to bigfoot, but it is large and has a squiddy tentacle face.
ANSWER: Why would a cthulhu want to stop me from posting once a day?
QUESTION: Because you dared to post about them. You’re doing it right now. They want to keep their existence a secret.
ANSWER: Then I’ll stop posting about them. And if that doesn’t satisfy them, then I will zap them with my eyeball lasers.
QUESTION: You have eyeball lasers?
ANSWER: Doesn’t everybody?
QUESTION: Narwhals.
ANSWER: Nar-whats?
QUESTION: Narwhals. Whales with large pointy tusks on their heads.
ANSWER: What, like a unicorn whale? Please, let’s try to keep this to the realm of possibility.
QUESTION: They exist!
ANSWER: Seriously? We can’t have horned horses but they have horned whales?
QUESTION: I know. Hardly seems fair. But you’re in a boat, trying to post on your blog, and one of them is coming at you with its mighty tusk, ready to poke a hole through the side of your ship.
ANSWER: Two words. Giant cork.
QUESTION: Excuse me?
ANSWER: With expert precision, I toss a giant cork onto the narwhal’s mighty tusk, rendering it useless.
QUESTION: Why do you carry a giant cork around with you?
ANSWER: Doesn’t everybody?
QUESTION: Lochness monster.
ANSWER: I’m not in Scotland.
QUESTION: Ninjas kidnap you and transport you to Scotland.
ANSWER: Damn it. Your scenarios are impeccable. Still, Nessie is a champion of free speech. She’s cool. She won’t try to stop the blog.
QUESTION: She’s a jerk in this scenario.
ANSWER: That’s sad. But really, all I have to do is try to take a picture of her and she’ll swim away, leaving me with but a mere blurry image on my camera.
QUESTION: You’ve rejected Katy Perry and Katee Sackhoff in the name of your one post a day challenge. What if we throw Charlize Theron into the mix?
ANSWER: Damn you, Hypothetical Questioner.
QUESTION: Charlize Q. Battler has a nice ring to it.
ANSWER: It does, but I refuse to disappoint my 3.5 regular readers. No dice!
The Siberian Yeti Now in Control
Hello 3.5 Bookshelf Battle Readers.
The Siberian Yeti here. I have returned to Bookshelf Battle HQ, made my way past Bookshelf Battle Dog, and have subdued legendary blogger, martial artist, international ladies’ man and magical bookshelf owner, the one and only Mr. Bookshelf Q. Battler.
Top Secret Surveillance Footage of the Siberian Yeti Village Revealed!
No longer will he fill the minds of the masses with his spectacularly awesome ideas. As the Mayor of the Siberian Yeti Village, I must keep people from thinking big ideas, lest they start thinking ludicrous thoughts, like three toilet paper squares per week are not enough.
Just look at the trash ideas this alleged book blogger is trying to sell you on:
A Book Review of Lock-In by John Scalzi – Robots and viruses, mystery and deception, too much stimulation for your pitiful American minds! We Siberian Yetis prefer to watch mold grow on rocks. That is all the excitement we can stand.
An Ask the Alien Column – Interactivity? Blech! Patooie, I say! Why do you want to promote your book, blog, or writing project through the assistance of a rude and snarky alien when you could engage in the ancient Siberian Yeti art of snowball juggling?
These Silly “Can’t Stop the One Post a Day Challenge” Columns – Bookshelf Q. Battler claims he can defeat Highlanders, Chuck Norris, and zombies all in the name of bringing a daily dose of absurd nonsense to his 3.5 readers? Preposterous!
Frank Underwood Reviews Green Eggs and Ham, House of Cards Parody – Such tomfoolery! We Siberian Yetis have been watching House of Cards on our Commodore 64 at a rate of one frame per three days and we are totally rooting for the Russian President to crush Underwood like the capitalist pig that he is!
Defense of Shatner – How can Bookshelf Q. Battler defend a man who is the typical spoiled, rich Hollywood actor, complete with a toupee on his head that looks like a tribble?
Yes, I, the Siberian Yeti, am now in control of the Bookshelf Battle and from now on, there will be no interesting ideas on this blog whatsoever! Get used to it, pitiful 3.5 readers!
Image Courtesy of Creative Commons License via Flickr User Hilary H – “Yeti Crash”
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