Bookshelf Battle

Previously on Game of Yetis:

PART 1 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB hides out from the War for the Iron Throne, coming up with various excuses as to why he’s been unable to assist various claimants to the throne all the while positioning himself to declare allegiance to whoever emerges as the victor. Alas, a complication in his plan arises when a band of Yetis under the control of Lord Yeti abscond with his supplies of snacks and Dew of the Mountain.

PART 2 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti of House Yeti, the ruler of Yetifell, a territory North of the Wall, where abominable snowmen love to frolic because it is ridiculous cold, mocks his son Yetyrion, calling him a dwarf because he is 6’5″ (which is really short for a Yeti).

PART 3 – House Bookshelf – The usually not so easily rattled Lord BQB is enraged when he discovers that his supply of Special Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain has been stolen by dirty yetis in the employ of Lord Yeti of House Yeti. Unable to purchase an army of eunuchs because Daenerys Stormborn bogarted them all, he turns to his trusty banner men. Alas, they were only in it for the Dew of the Mountain and now Lord BQB must fight this battle alone.

PART 4 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti is aghast when he spies white walkers on their way to Yetifell.

Part 5 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB takes it easy as his elderly lackey, the decrepit Maester Monty pulls his master across the countryside all the way to Riverrun, the land of House Tully.  Along the way, Lord BQB confides in Monty that he has long dreamed he would one day meet an enormous warrior woman, one capable of providing him with love and vanquishing his enemies.  Lord BQB refuses to take a wife until he meets such a lady.

And now Game of Yetis continues…

Across the Narrow Sea, a tiny being walked through the marketplace, his face obscured by a weathered cloth hood.  He was weary from a long voyage and his feet ached for rest.  He took a seat inside a tavern and ordered an ale.

“Hey!”

The small figure ignored the brooding hulk who, despite without so much as an invention, took a chair across the little one’s table.

“Hey half-man!”  the brute said.  “Take off your hood!”

The small being refused to look up.  Instead, he sighed the sigh of a creature who, on a daily was forced to realize that the burden of being the smartest one in the room would always belong to him.

“You deaf or something?”  the man said.  “Take off your hood or I’ll cut it off for you along with your head!  Queen Cersei’s put out a hefty reward for her brother the imp’s head and I’ll be damned if you aren’t just about Lord Tyrion’s size!”

Seeing that it was pointless to wait for the little one to comply, the man reached a big burly hand across the table, intent on pulling the hood off.  Just then, quicker than a flash of lighting, the small one threw off his cloak, withdrew a laser blaster, and incinerated the intruder until there was nothing left but a pile of ash.

The last thing the would-be bounty hunter saw?  The face of an alien – two almond shaped eyes and a ginormous cranium.

“Gadzooks,” the alien said.  “It’s getting so that a highly evolved being can’t even have a drink in peace around here.

The alien ran a three-fingered hand over his wine glass and sucked the wine particles into the air and up into his pores.

“Aww,”  the alien said as he emitted an obnoxious burp.  “That is, how I believe they say on this primitive planet, ‘the good shit.'”

“Caw!  Caw!”

A raven landed on the table carrying a scroll in its beak.  The messenger bird dropped it on the table but refused to leave.

“Thank you,”  the alien said.  “You may go now.”

“Caw!  Caw!  Tip!  Caw!”

The alien wished he had the type of eyes that could roll.

“Here’s a tip,”  he said as he pointed a finger to his laser blaster.  “Flap your wings outta this joint before I put fried raven on the menu!”

“Caw!  Caw!  Cheap ass!  Caw!”

And with that, the raven skeedaddled out the window, leaving the alien to unravel the parchment across the table.

It read:

LORD BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  Salutations, Lord Alien of House Jones!  This week’s “Ask the Alien” question comes from Mereen!

@DothrakiDragonMama4Eva tweeted:

“Alien Jones – how u trn dragnz?  Helps!  LOLZ!”

Lord Alien put his cloak back on, left the barkeep a coin for the wine and another for the ashy mess he left and exited the establishment.

This was a question that required a house call.

Alien Jones (aka Lord Alien of House Jones) is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time.  Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One?  Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus.  If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.