Look, I don’t want to cause any trouble but if you ask me your girlfriend and her brother seem just a little bit too uh…close, if you catch my drift.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might be Cersei Lannister:
(SPOILERS!)
10. She keeps it in the family…and we’re not talking about money. We’re talking about the royal boo-tay.
9. She and her brother always have some excuse to be alone together. And then whenever you walk in on them unannounced, they immediately start buttoning up their clothes and shout, “We weren’t humping!”
Which is odd because if they weren’t humping why would they feel the need to tell you that they weren’t humping?
If you ask me, a brother and sister trying to cover up their illicit humping might actually go out of their way to inform you that they weren’t humping just to cover their tracks.
Confusing, I know, but Cersei is crafty so you have to be on the ball to catch her in the midst of a brother hump.
8. Speaking of craftiness, she is convinced that her life would be a hundred times better if she had been born with a penis. She believes she’s cunning and intelligent and if it weren’t for the lowly status of women in this fantasy realm, she’d be kicking ass and taking names thanks to her penis.
I’m just going to throw it out there. I’ve met a few women who were convinced that but for a penis, they’d be like the rulers of the world and no…I’m sorry. Maybe that was true fifty years ago but a penis just isn’t worth as much as it used to be.
Penis value deflation is a bitch. Talk to your local penile economics expert for more information.
7. And while we are on this subject, she really isn’t as crafty as she thinks she is. She is always plotting schemes and then the schemes always blow up in her face, leaving her in trouble, or in the custody of a religious zealot or some shit.
7. But let’s face it. She’s hot so you put up with a lot of bullshit. You certainly wouldn’t stay in a relationship with a stuck-up conceited brother humper if she were ugly, would you?
You would? You are a better man than I, sir.
6. Besides being a brother humper she’s also a cousin humper. Cousin Lancel? Are you freaking kidding me?
Look, disgusting and immoral as it is, at least Jaime Lannister is the most handsome and skilled knight in the entire realm. You could almost make an argument that Cersei wasn’t able to help herself.
But Lancel? Shit, that girl is a freak who is hung up on getting busy with her relatives and her ass needs to get to a medieval shrink posthaste.
5. Hey, I’m all for women’s rights and female empowerment. But Cersei is one of those chicks who’s all like, “Women’s rights! Whatever a man can do I can do better!” and then the second the shit hits the fan she looks to her father to bail her out with his money and then humps her brother and/or cousin if her brother isn’t available.
4. She’s kind of like the worst friend in your group. Every group of friends has the worst friend. She’s the one that everyone hates and no one wants to invite to shit but you keep doing it because she’s been around so long that everyone is used to her and oddy enough, even though she’s totally the worst you’d still miss her.
3. Walks the walk of shame like a champ. Hollywood’s ability to superimpose her head on a stunt naked lady is impressive…a real breakthrough in the field of hot chick head splicing on hot chick body technology. Real advanced CGI stuff.
2. Your kids look nothing like you…but they all bear a striking resemblance to…her brother!
Like a dummy, you pull a Ned Stark and tell her you’re going to expose her brother humpery. Bad move. Off with your head. (What, too soon?)
OK before we begin…this post is dark and full of spoilers.
SPOILERS! The whole show will be ruined so if you haven’t seen it or last night’s episode yet, read no further.
OK. Are the hardcore nerds who are up to date with their watching here?
Cool. Now we can talk without those wannabe nerds bothering us.
“Waah I didn’t get to watch Game of Thrones because I was busy out having a life waaah.”
Anyway, so there was a big Red Woman reveal last night. We learned that the necklace she always wears is really magical and when she takes it off, she’s not really a hot chick but in fact is a hideous old hag crone who is losing her hair and has big ole floppy knockers.
Look that just happens. It may not have even been the necklace. Sometimes you’re in da club. The lights are down low. You meet a chick who looks like a fly ass hunnie only to get her back to your crib and under the lights she is a hideous crone.
But ok. It was the necklace.
And the Interwebs are blowing up with nerd protest.
Carice van Houten, the actress who plays Melisandre, has been sporting her Dutch oven on this show for years now, getting naked to seduce Stannis, using her evil vagina to egg him on in his quest for the Iron Throne, tricking Gendry into letting his guard down so she could stab him and take his royal blood, birthing smokey shadow assassins out of her enchanted cooter and so on.
Bottomline this chick has been naked on the show a lot and nerds have been taking this as an excuse to go back and rewatch clips of naked Melisandre to catch her without the necklace on yet still looking hot.
I’m not going to post a photo of a naked witch on this site because I have standards. Yes, I’m writing a zombie western novel filled with swears and violence but I have to draw the line somewhere and I draw it at posting photos of naked Dutch women and their Double Dutches.
Maybe that’s why they call it the Netherlands, because women are always showing off their nether regions.
Amsterdam it, I’m all out of Dutch nudity puns.
Yes. Yes it is. And as you can see, she’s wearing the anti-hag necklace here, but if you Google “Melisandre naked” you’ll see photos of her sans-necklace, still looking hot, in the tub before she killed Gendry, for example.
Note I have never performed such a Google search and frankly you should not either. I am ashamed of you for even thinking about it. Weirdo.
Is this a case where we are all nerds who should just shut up?
Be quiet you nerds…this is a minor insignificant detail. And if you really need an explanation then uh…she was lying in magic anti-hag bathwater.
Eh. We nerds like things to be right is the problem.
The show runners had a big challenge. Bring back Jon Snow with the Red Woman’s help.
Yet, people on the Red Woman’s side have been dying around her all the time and she’s never used magic to help them.
So it couldn’t be something she could do over and over…it had to be something she could only do once.
Hence, a magic necklace that can cheat death. The Red Woman has been using it to cheat death for a long time and is much older than we thought, and so enthralled is she with Jon Snow that I theorize she’ll put her death cheating necklace on him so that he may live, thus making the ultimate sacrifice as she will then eventually die from her elderly crone-ism.
And then alas, we fans will never again see Melisandre assassinate someone with the dark magic of her evil vagina, unless it is in our dreams and/or nightmares, depending on your opinion of witches with dark vagina magic.
Are we big nerds for debating this? Or is it just a minor detail that we have to let go?
Could they have come up with something else? Maybe a ring that makes her young, something she had all the time but we never noticed.
And holy shit if this is where the show is going then Jon Snow will have to wear a lady’s choker for the rest of his days.
He has the looks to pull it off but still…
NOTE: I didn’t make these memes and don’t claim ownership of them obviously. I just assume when they are floating around the Internet amongst fans then it is cool to use them.
Note that is an assumption though and I can’t tell you if it is ok for you to use them.
Skillfully played by Carice van Houten, the Red Woman may be Stannis’ other woman but let’s face it…she’s the only woman if she has anything to say about it.
From the home office in BQB HQ and just in time for the Season 6 Premiere of Game of Thrones, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be Melisandre:
10. She’s very supportive of your work and career goals…to the point that she’s willing to push a shadow assassin out of her vagina to murder your enemies.
Hey. Be disgusted all you want but that’s true commitment right there. My entire life I’ve never even been able to get a woman to make a damn sandwich for me, let alone push a shadow assassin out of her vagina to use in the assassination of my enemies.
9. Cares enough about you that she’s always warning you that everything is “dark and full of terrors.”
The night is dark and full of terrors.
Your closet is dark and full of terrors.
Don’t get a popsicle because the freezer and dark and full of terrors…and popsicles.
8. May or may not be able to bring your dead friends to life as we may or may not find out in Season 6. (Warning: if she does bring your deceased friend back to life, it is because she wants to bang him.)
7. Doesn’t always have the best advice. Burn your daughter at the stake. Sacrifice your illegitimate nephew. None of it ever really gets you anywhere.
6. She’s kind of a religious fanatic, almost to the point where you can picture her knocking on your door while you’re in the shower and you come out in your bathrobe and have to listen to her, “Have you accepted the Lord of Light as your personal savior?” routine.
5. Redheads = feisty in the boudoir. It is also a scientific fact that they are crazy. Studies show that craziness turns hair red.
4. Doesn’t want any baby mama drama. Doesn’t even go after you for child support for the shadow assassin she pushed out of her magic snootch to dispatch your enemies.
3. She is literally a character that pushed out a shadow assassin out of her magic snootch which means, if you are a writer, you need to stop doubting yourself because as long as your idea is as equally farfetched as “woman pushes shadow assassin out of her magic snootch” then the worst that can happen to your book is that it is turned into a highly profitable HBO series.
2. Isn’t really about tying you down. Willing to give you the magic snootch without any promises that you will dump your crazy wife for her.
Could possibly be a fraud who just throws chemicals into fires in order to give the illusion of magical power. Then again, she did push a shadow assassin out of her magic snootch so, she’s definitely studied a magic book or two.
Wait until April 24th for Game of Thrones Season 6?
This a man cannot do.
For Lord Battler of House Bookshelf loveth his Game of Thrones.
Oh, how it has allowed nerds across the land to experience what Superbowl Sunday must feel like for the normals.
Yes, 3.5 readers I love GOT as much as you love your girlfriend.
And from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be the Khaleesi:
(Note this list is mere fantasy. If you’re reading this blog, you are a nerd who is unworthy of the Khaleesi.)
***NOTE: GOT SPOILERS AHEAD! SPOILERS!!!!****
10. Her wardrobe consists of 950 turquoise dresses. Khaleesi loves turquoise.
9. No one at work ever steels her lunch from the communal fridge…BECAUSE IT’S A DAMN BLOODY HORSE HEART IN A BAG!
8. You avoid arguing with her because you know that all arguments end with your ass getting burned extra crispy by her dragons. Also, people refer to her as the Mother of Dragons. Like you’ll answer the phone and people will be all like, “Can I speak to the Mother of Dragons?”
7. Speaking of, she has so many titles. Khaleesi. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of Chains. And she insists on announcing them every time she enters a new room. You need to leave three hours early just to take the Khaleesi to a movie.
6. Dated Seth MacFarlane. Part of you is annoyed with her because she could have done better. Part of you wants to high five Seth for being the first nerd in history to use his nerdy ways to snag a Khaleesi. (I stand corrected about my early statement about nerds not being able to snag the Khaleesi.)
5. Starred in a Terminator reboot. It was godawful. So bad. So very, very bad. But you forgive her. Because she’s the Khaleesi. Only the Khaleesi can be forgiven for a terrible Terminator remake. Cersei was also in a sucky Terminator remake. It’s ok to not forgive her because fuck her. She’s Cersei. Cersei’s the worst.
4. Her brother sold her into slavery and then was jealous that she made a big ass pot of lemonade out of those lemons. In-laws. Am I right?
3. Totally the type to hop on her dragon and fly away, leaving her friends to fend for themselves in the gladiator’s arena. (Oh shut up. That’s not a spoiler. You had a year to watch this shit.) Probably won’t give you a ride to the dentist either.
2. Nerds in the know theorize she might be Jon Snow’s Auntie. Channel your inner M. Knight Shyamalan and repeat after me, “What a twist!”
Out of a group of people who are the worst, she’s always the best.
HONORABLE MENTION:
Drew you in by getting naked, but now that she’s won you over, that turquoise dress stays on. In other words, she’s like every other woman post commitment. Heap her with praise all you want but you’ll be lucky if you see a boob on your birthday.
Honest and fair, but cheat her and you’re banished to the friend zone. Also, from the country.
Appreciates your wise counsel. Would appreciate it more though if you were a dwarf or a eunuch. Seriously, she’s got an army of eunuchs and two eunuch advisors.
She takes what’s rightfully hers, by fire and blood if she has to. So don’t bogart the Funions.
HBO just released this poster to promote the next season of Game of Thrones.
Thus, it’s confirmed Jon Snow will obviously, somehow, feature heavily in the next season. Will it be because he’s alive? Will it be because he’s dead and there will be ensuing consequences?
And is it just me, or does Jon’s nose look bigger? Maybe its just the juxtaposition of the blood. I don’t know. I’m not a photo designer. I was just wondering if that could mean anything or am I off base on that?
By: Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private Eye
True Dick
The name’s Hatcher. Jake Hatcher. I’m a gumshoe. A sleuth. A shamus. A private dick.
And as of late, a coerced scribe for Bookshelf Q. Battler’s joke of a blog.
Not to put my employer down, but I’ve seen milk cartons with a higher readership.
Let’s take a minute and shoot the bull about TrueDetective. The second second season just wrapped up on HBO and there were more twists than a road designed by a blind man.
I’m required to warn you this review has more SPOILERS that you can shake a stick at.
Trailer – True Detective – HBO
Like most capers, it all begins with a murder.
The City of Vinci. It’s a factory town. Lot of big business, but only a handful of people actually live there. That means the cops and the local government pretty much act with impunity, free to wrangle their devious deals without any oversight.
And like most mysteries, this story begins with a murder. The city manager, a real pervert’s pervert, is put on ice. A special task force is put together to figure out the whodunnit.
It includes:
Rachel McAdams as Ani Bezzerides – Hubba hubba. Even though they try to ugly her up so she looks like a real downtrodden broad, she still makes this gumshoe’s ticker skip a beat. Hell, I still haven’t stopped thinking about how this dame wore the hell out of that dress in Southpaw. Bezzerides’ pops ran some hippy dippy commune and growing up on it made for a tough life.
Tayler Kitsch as Paul Woodrugh – A highway patrolman who takes a bad rap when he pulls over a speeder. Turns out its some floozy actress who puts the frame job on him. She makes a false claim that he tried to get the goodies just to get out of trouble because she’s had one too many run ins with the law before. His bosses put him on the special detail so he can lay low for awhile, but the case allows him to do anything but.
Colin Farrell as Ray Velcoro – a real mean so and so, a drunk bastard to boot. Beats up people at the drop of a hat. I kinda liked him. (Well, except for the corruption part.) Ray’s wife was raped years ago an he turned to mobster Frank Semyon to hand over the perpetrator. Unfortunately, Ray pays for that info with his soul as he ends up becoming Frank’s lapdog for the rest of his life, using his position to further Frank’s criminal interests on account of Frank now having something to hold over Ray’s head.
Frank, played by Vince Vaughn, is a crooked club and casino owner whose duked his way out to the top of the underworld ranks. He’s experienced success late in life and like most folks who’ve had that happen, it’s hard for him to be happy about it. He’s bitter that it took so long and his worst fears are met when he discovers that the city manager had been looting all his money behind his back. It’s up to Frank to find out who the manager was working with.
I’m a straight arrow when it comes to the letter of the law, so I don’t care for it when a bad guy is glorified. However, Vaughn steals the show and the writers try to get the point across that sometimes folks like Frank, born into bad circumstances, see their only way to the top as being a life of crime.
To the show’s credit, it’s also made clear that Frank could walk away at any time and leave the degenerate life behind. His wife Jordan, aka Kelly Reilly, begs him to take the money they have left, forget about revenge, and call it quits, but Frank just can’t do it.
I can relate. My third ex-wife, Connie, often tried to talk me out of dropping the gumshoe game. She wanted to move to the sticks and start a bed and breakfast. I came up with a million reasons why that wasn’t feasible but the real one is that I’d of been bored out of my mind. Sometimes you get to the point where you’ve pummeled so many criminals that you don’t know what you’d do without another one to smack around.
But I digress.
Overall, it was a decent program with a lot of action and intrigue. Also, there’s the occasional bare set of bosoms. It’s not like I try to notice things like that, but I can’t help it. I’m a detective. I notice every detail. No matter how big.
One criticism might be that the plot is a bit convoluted. I watched the whole thing and had to stand on my head and spin before it all made sense. You’ve got land deals, murder, a cold case from 1992, some impropriety in Afghanistan, sometimes it all ties together, though you need a flowchart and a slide rule to figure it all out.
Maybe that’s director Nic Pizzolato’s point. Sometimes the answers to mysteries aren’t handed over all wrapped with a nice shiny red bow.
Word on the street is there have been some complaints that this season wasn’t as good as the last. To that, I’d point out that the idea is that each season rolls with a new group of detectives in a different locale. Thus, each season is like watching a whole new extended movie, so it’s hard to compare one film to another. Just because you really like one movie, aka season one, doesn’t mean the second movie, aka season two was terrible.
They were just different.
Ahh, Rachel McAdams. What a foxy broad.
Jake Hatcher is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s Pop Culture Detective, sworn to solve 100 pop culture mysteries. Sometimes he even shares his own tales of daring do in LA’s seedy underworld. If you have a pop culture question, put Jake on the case. Tweet questions to @bookshelfbattle or leave them in the comments.
Does this mean by Jon Snow action figure goes up in value?
Quite a surprise ending for Season 5, wasn’t it?
I’ve finally processed my grief and am now able to talk about it but first, let’s talk about real life.
That’s right. I’m talking about the life outside of Game of Thrones, the one without the dragons, or the Khaleesi, or the epic battles or a functionally alcoholic dwarf who manages to save the day despite his ennui.
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”
That’s an old cliche, isn’t it? It holds up though. So many of us work our little butts off. We toil away, we make goals, figure out the steps we need to take to work towards them and do what we can to achieve them.
Sometimes things work out for us. Other times, and usually more often than not, we fall flat on our faces.
3.5 readers, who among you has locked up your emotions with a significant other you trusted not to screw you over? Surely, at least one of you convinced yourself your girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, partner, whatever was “the one” and you built your life around said individual.
Maybe you were planning to get married or hell, maybe you DID get married. God, maybe you even brought kids into the world with this person. Or maybe you didn’t. Maybe you just walked around telling your friends and family what a reliable, dependable person this guy or gal was.
Then one day…boom! Gone.
POSSIBLE BREAK-UP LINES USED ON YOU:
It’s not you, it’s me.
It was you all along.
I hate your face.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.
TEXT MESSAGE: U IZ DUMPD
TWEET: #UIZDUMPD
FACEBOOK: You’re dumped. Here’s a funny cat video I hope will help you get through it.
Forget relationships. Maybe you’re career aspirations did not go how you planned them. You went to college, selected a major, gained useful experience and boom! You’re riding the pine on the ‘rents’ couch because the economy stinks worse than a wookie during mating season on Kashyyyk.
Maybe everything did go right. Maybe you did find that awesome job and that awesome significant other.
Maybe one day you’re walking across the street, you’re thinking, “Wow, everything sure did work out for me and OH NO! A damn Mac Truck just ran over my face.”
Life. Whether it’s romance or careers or dreams, there’s just no guarantee of success and everything can go turn to crap in an instant.
Now, add in the dragons, and the sword fights, and the Khaleesi and you have Game of Thrones, a fantasy show that is as close as a program can get to real life and still feature a red headed witch with the ability to push smokey ghost assassins out of her cooter.
Attorney Donnelly preemptively apologizes to anyone offended by my use of the word “cooter.” Also, please read Pop Culture Mysteries. I’m pretty proud of that one.
In real life, there’s what you wanted to happen AND what did happen.
I, your illustrious blog host Bookshelf Q. Battler, will now analyze the past season/final episode with through those two points of view.
SPOILER WARNING!!!! DON’T READ IF YOU DON’T WANT ANYTHING SPOILED!
GAME OF THRONES – HBO – SEASON 5 TRAILER – THE WHEEL
THE BIG SURPRISE – JON SNOW
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN – Jon Snow to continue into the next season as the man standing between Westeros and the White Walkers.
WHAT DID HAPPEN – The Night’s Watch turned on their leader in a big way.
Jon Snow was named Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch this season. His men grumbled about his decisions but they also gave every indication of, “Well, this is a military organization so we have to follow orders even when they piss us off.”
Jon grew so much this season, moving from dopey pretty boy to battle hardened leader. He made a tough call with the Wildlings.
The Night’s Watch Brothers are understandably unhappy with the decision to save the Wildlings. These are people who have killed several brothers as well as innocent bystanders – men, women and children. Sure, the Wildlings’ reasoning is, “Hey! You put up a big ass wall and locked us out of the Kingdom!” but the justification is, “Of course we did! You guys are a bunch of aholes and are basically snow covered Dothraki!”
SIDE NOTE: The genius of the books/series is that nothing is ever black and white. George RR provides reasoning and justification for why every characters acts the way that they do, even the worst ones. Their actions aren’t necessarily right, but you’re left with an understanding of the events that led to a person becoming an evil jerkface.
I get that no character is safe but so much was built up around Jon snow:
You know nothing – Am I the only one who thought all of those, “You know nothing, Jon Snows” would eventually lead to a big reveal where Jon Snow would learn something, whatever it was that he was supposed to know?
Jon Snow’s Mother – (Possible Big Spoiler) – In the first season, we learn that Ned brought baby Jon Snow back to Winterfell, a bastard he had with some allegedly random hussy because while he loved Cat and all, he thought he was going to die during Robert’s Rebellion so he might as well get a little somethin’ somethin’ on the side and woops! We won the war! Guess Ned has some ‘splaining to do.
Ned tells Jon he’ll fill him in on his mother one day. Will we ever find out who Jon’s mother is now? Will it matter if/when we do?
There’s been a long bandied about theory (POSSIBLE BIG SPOILER!) that Jon was not actually Ned’s kid but rather, was the love child of Lyanna Stark (Ned’s sister betrothed to Robert Baratheon) and Rhaegar Targaryen, that Lyanna wasn’t actually kidnapped but in fact, she ran away willingly with Rhaegar and as a Targaryen, Jon had the closest link to the throne and Ned felt the need to protect his nephew from Robert by claiming him as a bastard, even if that meant enduring Cat’s constant, “Waah waah Ned cheated on me while he was at war” complaints.
Is that theory possible? Who knows now but here’s a question – was noble Ned really the cheating type?
This is what George RR does and does best. He builds up our hopes and dreams. Like Lucy from Peanuts, he holds that damn football. Like the gullible Charlie Brown, the dumb audience comes running up to kick that football and then bam, George, like Lucy, pulls that football away. He does it every time and we keep watching because in many ways, those big shockers make for thrilling television.
GRRM did it with Rob Stark, when the Young Wolf won battle after battle against the Lannisters only to be gutted at the Red Wedding. He did it with Prince Oberyn when we were led to believe that the Viper had bested the Mountain only to gloat just a little too early. And now he’s done it with Jon Snow.
Sure, Jon’s untimely demise made for a big “HOLY CRAP” moment but whether or not it pans out as a good decision for the series remains to be seen. After all, we invested a lot in Jon Snow. Aside from the Khaleesi and Tyrion, he was pretty much the last good guy worth rooting for.
Sam’s a fun character but will it be as invigorating to watch him stand between Westeros and the White Walkers? Will we cheer on the Night’s Watch when they betrayed their Lord Commander? Seriously, other than Dany, who’s left to like now?
SIDE NOTE: In keeping with the GOT = Real Life argument, keep in mind at this point, the more likely outcome is not that Dany swoops into Westeros and saves the day but rather, that the Whitewalkers just take over the entire fantasy world and have a great undead time into all eternity. I can honestly see GRRM taking that approach, can’t you?
CERSEI
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: Cersei refuses to confess. Tommen grows a pair and sends the army to retrieve his wife, mother and brother-in-law.
WHAT DID HAPPEN: Tommen reverts to being an indecisive wuss. Cersei confesses, goes on the worst walk of shame ever and still has to undergo a trial anyway.
Cersei’s the character fans love to hate. The running pattern in the show is that she concocts these schemes, thinks she’s so clever and then her plans backfire royally. That happened again this season. By giving the High Sparrow the power of a religious army, she thought she’d developed her own personal hit squad to take out her enemies, namely the Tyrells.
It all backfired when the High Sparrow turned on her and locked her up.
Cersei’s done a lot of bad things to good people (most notably Ned) but on the other hand, that whole “walk of shame” scene was sad to watch and surely it would be a painful experience for anyone to go through.
Hat’s off to Lena Headey. I’m sure walking around in the buff whilst surrounded by throngs of fantasy peasant extras spitting on you, throwing garbage and uh, other substances at you and hurling insults was no easy feet.
SIDENOTE: Remember how Lady Stoneheart was axed from the series, that the idea was a little farfetched? But uh, Frankenmountain isn’t? Clyburn introducing his “creation” kind of blew the end of that very powerful walk of shame scene. The emotion was raw and real and then it went basically went to a Frankenstein monster to defend Cersei’s honor.
JAIME/MYRCELLA – I’m going to rush through this one. I wanted Myrcella to live because, hey, she’s just a kid. Why punish her when she didn’t do anything? Alas, Jaime gets that briefest of father/daughter moments before seeing his offspring die due to Ellaria’s treachery. Prince Doran won’t be happy.
STANNIS/SANSA/REEK/BOLTONS/RED WOMAN
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: Stannis ousts the Boltons, frees Sansa. Sansa finally gets to have somewhat of a normal existence where she isn’t a captive or a torture victim.
WHAT DID HAPPEN: As often happens in real life, the bad guys aka the Boltons, won.
Perhaps GRRM’s intent in having Stannis sacrifice Shireen was to turn him from good to bad guy, thus leaving the audience pleased at his defeat.
Stannis started out in the series as the ruthless “win at all costs” warrior, too blindly devoted to the Red Woman, willing to even kill his own brother (through the above mentioned cooter delivered smoke ghost assassin) to get what he wants.
But then Stannis scored points and his stock rose. He was the only one to respond to the Night’s Watch calls for help, bringing his men to save the day during the Wildling attack. He told Shireen that she was a princess and that he had always seen to it that she’d be treated accordingly despite her ailment.
GRRM convinced us. Go Stannis. Kick out the dastardly Boltons. Punish them for their betrayal of the Starks. Save Sansa.
Alas, then there was what happened to Shireen and well, the battle became a conflict between two aholes (Bolton vs. Baratheon) and as often happens in life, you were left tepidly rooting for the lesser of two aholes.
What about Lady Melisandre? Some powerful acting there. She presents herself as the consummate, unshaken true believer in the Lord of Light yet when the audience learns half of Stannis men have fled with the horses, you can see the look of defeat in her eyes.
Here’s a question – would you keep fighting for a guy who cooked his daughter alive? Could that have been a big reason why his troops skeedaddled?
SIDENOTE: Will the Red Woman resurrect Jon Snow? Tough call.
1) We’re not sure if she can. Sometimes it is implied that she’s full of shit. She might have no magic power and all she does is pull creepy sayings out of her ass, throw a few powders into the fire, put on a little show and then she has the patronage and support of a rich royal family. She all but said that in a prior episode.
2) But she might be able do. I mean, hell, the woman did push a smokey ghost assassin out of her cooter, so bringing a dead man back to life should be a piece of cake.
3) Kit Harington, the actor who played Jon Snow, has already said in interviews that Jon isn’t coming back. I mean, that still doesn’t mean it’s impossible but it’s something to keep in mind. (Would an actor say, “Oh yeah! Don’t worry! The Red Woman will bring me back!” if that was going to happen?)
Still, I kind of doubt that’s going to happen.
SANSA AND REEK – Hey um, I’m surprised I’m the only one asking this, but are they dead? They’re pretty much dead, aren’t they?
The show runners were made a point to show the viewer just how tall that damn wall was, that there weren’t any beds of feathers or wagons full of pillows waiting at the bottom, and we even saw a person fall to her death from the inner side so…Sansa and Reek jumped just after Sansa declared she’d rather die than be tortured any more so uh….I don’t know. I fail to see how they’d of survived that fall but we didn’t see any bodies so I guess we wait until next season.
I have to say if Sansa dies it will be yet another, “God damn it. Another character I rooted for taken from me.”
ARYA
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: Arya continues her training
WHAT DID HAPPEN: Arya goes blind. I don’t know why. The Faceless Men have rules and she broke them.
THE KHALEESI
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: I wanted a damn explanation as to how the Khaleesi’s buddies survived the Sons of the Harpy attack after being abandoned by their Queen when she went on a dragon joyride. Also, I wanted her to return and continue to lead her army into Westeros, since now, without Jon Snow, she’s pretty much that continent’s only hope.
WHAT DID HAPPEN: The Khaleesi is captured by the Dothraki and this time does not have Khal Drogo to protect her. Hopefully, Mormont and Daario will find her in time.
But keep in mind, we’re onto your tricks, GRRM. We won’t be surprised if you have the Khaleesi get burned up by one of her dragons or killed by the Dothraki or something.
Hell, just give the Iron Throne to Sam Tarly or Hodor and be done with it.
Real life? You never get what you want and that’s why you never get what you want on this show either.
Bookshelf Battle 