Tag Archives: hollywood

Mar 13 2015
1 Comment
The Siberian Yeti

Inside Bookshelf Battle HQ

By:  The Siberian Yeti, Newly Self-Appointed Ruler of the Bookshelf Battle

Muah ha ha ha!  Insolent Bookshelf Q. Battler thinks he can oust me from control of his wretched blog with a Twitter follower drive.  What an imbecile!

Let me put it this way, 3.5 readers.  Bookshelf Q. Battler will get 4000 twitter followers when I stop being engrossed in your 1990s era documentary about the Chicago based scientist, Mr. Steven Urkel.  In other words, he will never reach his goal because I will never tire of viewing Mr. Urkel’s contributions to the scientific world.  Frankly, Mr. Urkel is the only American I do not truly despise.

As I have taken up residence in the Bookshelf Battle Headquarters, perhaps I shall enlighten you into some of the things your beloved blogger is into?

First, let’s talk about Bookshelf Q. Battler’s taste in music:

Have you seen this loser’s playlist?

  • Katy Perry’s “This is How We Do” on an infinite loop!
  • Taylor Swifts, “Shake it Off” has been played by BQB 9,081 times!  (And that was just last Tuesday alone!)
  • He played Meghan Trainor’s “All About that Bass” so many times that he broke his last phone and had to replace it!
  • And Iggy, Iggy, and more Iggy.  This self-proclaimed tough man, this man who claims to be an adventurer, he cannot get enough of an Australian She-Rapper!  “Fancy.”  “Black Widow.”  “Work.”  “Bounce.”  He even has her early Melbourne based single, “Work ‘Dat Digiredoo!”

Movies:

  • Bookshelf Q. Battler claims to be a karate expert who trained Steven Seagal?  That’s funny, since the man owns very worn DVD of “Eat, Pray, Love!”
  • Streisand.  So many Streisand movies.  Not just her early stuff.  That new one with Seth Rogen that had less viewers than this infernal blog!

Food:

  • Nothing in his refrigerator.  Nothing in his pantry.  In his closet?  500 bags of Buffalo Ranch Doritos and a ten gallon drum of Mr. Pibb.  How is he still even alive?

Writing:

  • He claims to be hard at work on a serious novel, but all I see are 100 notebooks filled with Firefly fan fiction.
  • Also one notebook that just reads, “Katee Sackhoff-Battler” over and over.  Dude, as they say in your U S of A, “WTF?”

Extracurricular Activities:

  • Decoupage, Decopage, and More Decopage – Everything is covered with colored paper.  It was like he started and could not stop.
  • He collects thimbles, action figures, and potato chips that look like celebrities.  He has a particularly fetching pringle that looks exactly like Mayim Bialik.
  • Two words – VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY!

So, there you have it.  Continue to violate my control of your blog, Mr. Bookshelf Q. Battler, and I, your arch nemesis, the Siberian Yeti, will be left with no choice but to continue to share with your 3.5 readers the secret embarrassments that lurk within your Bookshelf Battle HQ!

Muah ha ha!  Yeti laugh, Yeti laugh!

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Mar 04 2015
6 Comments
Science Fiction

In Defense of Shatner

Today, the Prime Minister of Israel gave a historic speech before Congress.  Also, a vocal critic of the Russian president was shot to death recently near the Kremlin.

But if you’re a nerd like me, the big issue on your mind is:

WAS WILLIAM SHATNER IN THE WRONG FOR NOT ATTENDING LEONARD NIMOY’S FUNERAL?

Shatner, who played Capt. Kirk on Star Trek opposite Nimoy’s Mr. Spock, stated he was unable to attend the funeral of his longtime co-star as he had already committed to a Red Cross fundraiser in Florida.  Over the weekend, he was bombarded on Twitter by critics claiming he should have dropped everything to make it to the service of the man who portrayed his highly logical science officer.

Was Shatner wrong for not going?images-2

No.  In no particular reason, here are some reasons why:

  • Shatner is 83 years old –  I don’t claim to know what’s on his mind.  I’m not a mindreader.  All I know is the older I get, the more accepting I become of the fact that death is an inevitable part of life.  Every funeral I attend, the less debilitated I am when I lose someone dear to me.  Loss of a loved one never becomes less painful, but one eventually grows steeled to the fact that death happens.  Therefore, I know that by the time I (hopefully) reach eight decades of life, I’ll be able to soldier on while still feeling bad about the loss of a dear friend.  In other words, for a person who has lived a long life, it is possible to keep a stiff upper lip and attend a planned fundraiser while still feeling bad about the loss of a friend at the same time.
  • Logistics – Again, Shatner is 83 years old.  To drop everything, charter an expensive jet at the last minute, fly all the way back to California and then attend a funeral?  That’s going to take a lot out of a young person, let alone an old timer.  (Capt. Kirk I apologize for calling you old but what the heck, it’s a defense).
  • Commitment – Shatner had committed to a fundraiser.  Would the people involved with the event have understood had he left?  I don’t know.  I assume so, but I can’t speak for them.   Obviously, the Red Cross is a cause that’s important to Shatner and he didn’t want to leave people who worked hard on a special event holding the bag.  That’s admirable.
  • Friendship – Shatner and Nimoy worked together since the 1960’s.  I have no idea what their friendship was like behind the scenes, but I have to imagine there was enough respect there to get them through a TV series and several films.  Again, I’m not a mindreader.  Neither are the critics.  Bottomline – I’m sure Shatner loved and cared about his colleague very much.  No one has the right to tell him he doesn’t.

Finally, what would a Vulcan say about all this?

ME:  Hello Mr. Vulcan.  Should William Shatner drop a charity event he committed to, spend a ton of money on a last minute private jet charter to fly across the country only to attend a funeral that in the end, probably won’t make him feel any better about losing his friend anyway?

VULCAN:  No.  That would be highly illogical.  Stay at the charity event.  The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

There you go nerds.  Let’s give our Captain a break.

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Feb 27 2015
5 Comments
TV

Special Guest Book Reviewer Frank Underwood

Bookshelf Battlers, I’m pleased to announce that Frank Underwood, Fictional President of the United States in the House of Cards world, has agreed to be a guest book reviewer today.  I interviewed him earlier this week to get his thoughts on the timeless children’s classic, Green Eggs and Ham, by the incomparable Dr. Seus.  Here is the transcript of that interview:

FRANK UNDERWOOD (LOOKS DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA):  As they say in my hometown of Gaffney,

Planning to read and review the House of Cards novel by Michael Dobbs soon. Until then, enjoy Frank's review of Green Eggs and Ham.

Planning to read and review the House of Cards novel by Michael Dobbs soon. Until then, enjoy Frank’s review of Green Eggs and Ham.

South Carolina, if you’re going to do something, do it big.  So why on earth would I ever allow myself to be featured on a book blog that only has 3.5 people reading it?

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  Mr.  President, thank you for agreeing to this interview.

FRANK UNDERWOOD:  (TO ME)  No problem, sir.  Why frankly, book blogs such as yours contribute to this great nation’s literacy and educational efforts.  (TO CAMERA)  They have another saying in Gaffney. Time is money and my time?  It’s very valuable.  For allowing my precious moments to circle round and round the drain of eternity only to be swallowed by the sewer of oblivion, I’ll have this wannabe writer dispatched posthaste.  It will look like an accident and the world will be none the wiser.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  Mr. President, who are you talking to?

FRANK UNDERWOOD:  What?  Oh, no one in particular. I just like to break the fourth wall from time to time.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  So  – Green Eggs and Ham.  What did you think?

FRANK UNDERWOOD:  To try new things or to stay with the same old same old is the raisone d’etre of this childish farce from a man who, between you and me, had very questionable doctor’s credentials.  I don’t believe I ever saw him perform a single surgery.   However, his credentials as a bona fide scribe are without question.  I enjoyed it thoroughly.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  Did you learn any lessons you’d like to share with my 3.5 readers?

FRANK UNDERWOOD:  Why, I’m glad you asked.  People should open their minds.  To remain steadfast to old, worn out traditions  is to become irrelevant. I’m all about trying new things. My wife Claire and I try new things all the time…  (TO CAMERA) – …usually with Meechum.

(UNDERWOOD’S PHONE RINGS.  BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER was able to obtain a transcript of the following exchange between the President and the First Lady.  A sawbuck to Doug Stamper may or may not have been involved)

CLAIRE:  Frank, how is the interview going?  Are you informing bookshelfbattle.com’s 3.5 readers about why they need to read The Lorax?

FRANK:  I’m sorry, dear.  I changed it to Green Eggs and Ham at the last minute.

CLAIRE:  But we talked about this!  We agreed that a review of The Lorax would be more conducive to my non-profit environmental efforts!

FRANK:  The Lorax is an unwashed hippie, Claire.  Running around, talking gibberish, trying to shut down corporations that keep the working man employed.  I’m sorry Claire, but association with the Lorax is a no go.  Joey the Dog’s reluctant yet eventually compliant spirit of can do enthusiasm is exactly what my presidency needs.

CLAIRE:  Reluctant yet eventually compliant…

FRANK:  I know.  Sounds like the night we spent with Meechum.

(FRANK hangs up the phone)

FRANK:  Where were we?

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  Discussing Green Eggs and Ham.

FRANK:  Ahh yes.  Now sir, philosophers may disagree about the socioeconomic strategies vis a vis green food products but I for one…

(My phone rings)

BOOKSHELF Q.  BATTLER:  I’m sorry, Mr. President.  Hold that thought.  Hello?

CLAIRE:  Bookshelf Q. Battler, this is the first lady.  You need to tank Frank’s review of Green Eggs and Ham, but never let it be known I had anything to do with it.  You need to put up a review of The Lorax in its place.

BOOKSHELF Q.  BATTLER:  Um.  OK then.

(I hang up my phone).

FRANK:  (TO THE CAMERA)  Kept waiting by a wordpress wonder.  The indignity.  (TO ME) Now then, if we could discuss Sam I Am’s place in the literary world, I think we’ll find that…

(My phone rings again)

BOOKSHELF Q.  BATTLER:  Mr. President, I’m so sorry.  One moment.  Hello?

REMY DANTON:  Mr. Battler.  Remy Danton, big time Washington lobbyist here.  We need to talk.  Listen, cancel Underwood’s review of Green Eggs and Ham.  What the American people really want is a review of The Cat in the Hat.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  You think so?

REMY DANTON:  I know so.  A magical cat whisks a pair of children into a fantasy filled with wonder and make-believe.  Your 3.5 regular readers will find that much more enjoyable.  For Christ Sake’s, you might even get yourself on Reddit.  That’s the big time for book bloggers.

BOOKSHELF Q.  BATTLER:  I’ll think about it.

(I hang up.  My phone rings again)

FRANK:  Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just looking through some files while I wait.  (TO CAMERA) And also plotting as to which dumpster your bloated corpse will find itself in.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  Hello?

RAYMOND TUSK:  Hello, Mr. Battler.  This is Raymond Tusk, a highly influential rich man who bears a striking resemblance to Major Dad.  Listen, Frank Underwood is trying to shove Green Eggs and Ham down your throat and Remy Danton is trying to stick the Cat in the Hat up your you know what.  Ignore both those losers and offer your readers a review of Horton Hears a Who.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  Why?

RAYMOND TUSK:  Son, trying new things is overrated.  Do you know why eggs turn green?  Mold.  Eggs turn green when they are moldy.  Let me ask you a question.  Have you ever eaten a moldy egg?

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  No.

RAYMOND TUSK:  Of course not.  And do you know why?

BOOKSHELF Q.  BATTLER:  No.

RAYMOND TUSK:  Because you don’t need to shove a pile of mold in your mouth in order to realize it would taste awful.  Some things that are new to you should never be experienced because you already have a built-in sense that certain things are better left untried.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  Makes sense.

(I hang up)

FRANK:  (TO CAMERA)  As they say in Gaffney, sometimes you need to stick your hand up a book blogger’s posterior and work him like a puppet.  (TO ME)  Level with me son.  You’ve got my wife demanding that you review The Lorax. I know you’d never do that because you’re smart enough to realize that no one cares what that walrus mustached clown has to say.

BOOKSHELF Q.  BATTLER:  OK.

FRANK:  That two-bit hack Remy Danton wants you to review The Cat in the Hat.  Imagine.  A six foot tall anthropomorphic feline waltzes right into a home uninvited and proceeds to encourage the unattended children to engage in all sorts of tomfoolery.  Why, the fish is the only voice of reason in the entire publication.  Where on earth were the children’s parents amidst all of this foolishness?  I’ve a good mind to call social services.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  I have always sided with the fish.  Except for one book I wrote and tried to turn into a movie.

FRANK:  And Horton Hears a Who?  An elephant who believes he talks to tiny people.  That book is absolute madness and has no business offending your 3.5 readers’ eyes.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  Agreed.  Green Eggs and Ham it is.

FRANK:  Delightful.  Now, how are you getting home?  Do you need a car?  Scratch that.  You should just take the train…

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  Ummm….I’m fine.  I think I’ll just walk.

EDITOR’S NOTE:  Joey the Dog is the actual name of the guy that Sam I Am tries to feed green eggs and ham to.  I had to look it up.

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Feb 23 2015
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Movies

Movie Review – Boyhood (2014)

Boyhood.  There’s 12 years of SPOILERS ahead.

How to describe?  I’m not even sure where to begin.

At the outset, when you go into it, you need to set aside traditional movie questions you’d normally ask to gauge a film’s overall effectiveness.  “Was I entertained?  Was I in suspense?  Was I left hanging on the edge of my seat?”  It’s more of an educational experience than a traditional plot based film so the typical questions don’t apply.

Growing up is painful, difficult, and has its series of ups and downs that few of us, if any, are spared from.  The film begins in the early 2000’s and follows a family for 12 years.  This unique idea leaves the viewer to watch the child actors grow up on screen before our very eyes.  They start out as little kids and end up fully grown adult college students.  And film crews shoot all of the bittersweet moments along the way.

Cultural references are crowbarred in all over the place.  Music, movies, politics all serve as cues to let the viewer know how much time has passed.  From the cheap clunky apple little Mason uses in the school library to the sleek apple he uses in high school, from little Sam singing Britney Spears in the beginning to Obama’s campaign, there’s a definite effort to make sure you, the viewer, are aware that time is moving on.

Director Richard Linklater took on an insurmountable task with this project.  It’s hard enough to keep a normal production on track, let alone one that requires the same cast to return every once in awhile over the course of twelve years.  Thus, it surprised me that he didn’t walk away with the Oscar for best director, even just for the courage to throw himself into the world of an unusual, time consuming project that from the start was destined to not become a big box office draw.

The film begins in the early 2000’s.  Mason Jr. (Ellar Coltrane) and his sister, Samantha (Lorelei Linklater, thus the director could guarantee from the start that at least one cast member was going to return over the course of twelve years) are little kids living with single mom, Olivia, played by Patricia Arquette.  Their biological father, Mason Sr. (Ethan Hawke) is the stereotypical screw-up, driving around in a sports car, having just returned after abandoning the family, and is now making an effort to be a part of the kids’ lives.

Throughout the film, Olivia tries to improve herself.  She goes back to school.  She marries a professor who seems great on the surface, but as it turns out, is an abusive alcoholic.  When his rage fits go out of control, Olivia packs up Mason and Sam and leaves, and the kids are sad as they’d grown attached to their step-siblings, the professor’s kids.

Time moves on.  Olivia becomes a professor herself.  The kids aren’t the only ones who grow up before our eyes.  The adults do as well.  Olivia marries a student, a man who at first, appears to be a very charming war veteran, but, and perhaps in a bit too much of a cliched manner, becomes one more angry drunk that Olivia has to dump.  Honestly, how many jerks must this woman suffer through?

Sometimes we look at kids, we see them with their video games and cartoons and we think they must be happy, but as the film shows, they suffer from a lot of sadness and angst.  As a society, we should be aware of that.  Kids in divorced families especially have it tough.  Over the course of twelve years, Mason and Sam live with their mom, see their father every other weekend, suffer through two abusive drunk stepdads and overall just live confused lives where it looks like stability is never going to be an option for them.

We see Mason, a little boy, going from the typical, silly kid who crushes his homework in his backpack and forgets to give it to his teacher, to become a young man with a dream of becoming a photographer.  We watch all of his milestones, from dressing up as a boy wizard to attend a Harry Potter premiere all the way to his graduation.

We are even spectators as Mason goes through his first breakup, something that happens to all of us.  If it’s never happened to you, you’re one lucky individual.  We’re even left with some hope as Mason meets a new girl with similar interests, the point being that Mason has learned not to seek out just any old girl but to find one who likes him for who he is.

I do have a complaint.  Throughout the film, I feel like we’re asked to cheer on Olivia as she stands up for herself time and time again against a series of lousy men.  At the start of the film, Hawke’s character, Mason Sr., is painted out as the typical “I refuse to grow up” family abandoning loser.  By the end of the film, he has, in a very noble manner, taken the sadness he feels about losing his family and channels it to become Mr. Super Reliable, a great husband to his second wife, and wise, all-knowing Super Dad to Mason Jr, Sam, and the newborn he has with his second wife.

That’s very admirable.  People shouldn’t be punished forever for their mistakes.  If, like Mason Sr., they turn their lives around, they should be rewarded.  But where’s Olivia’s reward?  For a brief moment, we’re hoodwinked into thinking maybe her reward is found in the soldier she marries but out of the blue he’s turned into an abusive drunk.  Didn’t we already have an abusive drunk in the form of the professor?  Did we need a second one?

Getting back to my complaint – at the end of the movie, Olivia is left a sad old woman in a small apartment.  Mason Jr. and Sam are off at college having the time of their lives.  Mason Sr. has become the Dad we all wish we had.  Olivia, the most responsible person in the entire movie, is the only one left without a reward.  That just seems unfair to me.

At the end, there’s an implication that she regrets not sticking with Mason Sr (Hawke).  Maybe she was too hard on him when he was young.  Maybe she spent too much time chasing perfection.  She went for the college professor and the war veteran, two men who were adept at holding themselves out to the world as perfect, but on the inside, had their own demons.

We’re left to think “if only Olivia had been more patient with Mason Sr.”  No, he wasn’t perfect, but given time, he’d of morphed from the caterpillar he was to the butterfly Olivia was looking for all along.  Are we all guilty of that?  Probably.  We should all try to be a little more patient with our significant others because ultimately, the grass isn’t always greener.  The perfect person you’re searching for isn’t out there.  No one is perfect.

That may be all well and good but the Mason Sr. we’re shown at the start of the film?  We can’t begrudge young Olivia for turning a cold shoulder to him.  So I’m not sure why Olivia doesn’t end up with some kind of reward at the end for all her struggles.

Like this review, the movie goes on a bit too long, though it is understandable.  They had a lot of footage taken over a twelve year period and wanted to use it.

Is it worth your time?  Yes, but just remember, it’s more of an educational experience than an entertaining one.  If that’s not something you’re looking for, you might want to pass it up.

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Feb 22 2015
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Movies

Oscar 2015 Predictions

OK so I have failed miserably in my self-challenge to watch all 2015 Oscar nominated films.  I’m sorry to drop the petals off the daffodil folks, but occasionally this humble book blogger only reaches a 99.9% rate of perfection.

Thus far, I have only seen American Sniper, Birdman, and The Imitation Game (I still owe you a review).  I have  Boyhood loaded into my iTunes but have yet to get around to it.

So I’m a bit handicapped having not seen everything, which begs the question:

Bookshelf Q. Battler, are you really going to opine on things you know nothing about?

Um…yeah.  I do that everyday.  My original title for this blog was “Opinions on Stuff I Know Nothing About.”  Writing opinions on stuff I know nothing about is my God given right as an American.

Without further ado, my predictions:

BEST FILM – Birdman

All the commentary out there suggests there is a horse race going on between Boyhood and Birdman.  From what I’ve heard of Boyhood, it’s basically a “meh” sort of film and without the novel idea to shoot the young boy protagonist at different stages of his life, it probably wouldn’t have made it to the Oscars.

Meanwhile, Birdman has been winning many other awards and that’s a strong sign.

I’m going to flip a coin here and say Birdman.  Birdman has a lot of messages that Hollywood wants you to hear, namely a) Stop complaining we feed you so much crap when you’re the ones who are eating it b) Stop complaining we don’t make enough artsy fartsy movies when you never watch them and c) being an actor isn’t all its cracked up to be

BEST ACTOR – Michael Keaton (Birdman)

I’ve got to go with Keaton.  He’s been around for so long, he’s been in many amazing movies, and well, sad to say but, time keeps a-moving on whether we want it to or not, and he may not have many more chances to appear in Oscar buzz worthy work.  Carrell, Cooper, Cumberbatch, Redmayne all turned in great performances, but they still have time and haven’t been around as long.  It’s Keaton’s turn.

BEST ACTRESS – Julianne Moore (Still Alice)

I really, really want Rosamund Pike to win this for Gone Girl.  SPOILER ALERT – in that movie, she plays the Amy whose safety you’re very concerned about when she goes missing as well as the Amy who…well, just go watch it.

But this is the year where Hollywood settles its debts and like Keaton, Moore is also overdue.  That’s not a knock on Still Alice.  I’m sure it’s great.  She’s certainly been in a lot of other great films and is deserving.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE – JK Simmons (Whiplash)

The King of the Actors Long Overdue for Recognition.  He’s that guy in every movie, you recognize his face as soon as you see it, but up until this nomination, you didn’t really know his name.  He’s also the voice of the Yellow M and M.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE – Patricia Arquette (Boyhood)

When it comes to “long overdue” Arquette and Laura Dern (Wild) are both deserving.  However, Boyhood has had more attention than Wild, so I think it’s going to go to Arquette.  Emma and Keira turned in great performances, but they still have plenty of time.  And Meryl?  Jesus, she must be using these awards as paperweights at this point.

BEST DIRECTOR – Richard Linklater

Come on.  Filming a kid at different stages of life and mixing it all into one film.  Creative.  Give him an award.

SNUBS

Finally, here’s my list of snubs:

Interstellar – the movie laid out a roadmap on how to get to deep space.  Completely ignored!  What?  Who cares about outer space travel?  Michael Keaton’s pretending to be a bird!

The Lego Movie – Best animated movie of the year no matter what.  I assume it got turned down because it was seen by some as just a big commercial for legos but come on, most kids movies do lead to big time toy merchandising.  If it was a commercial, it was a commercial with heart.

Saint Vincent – That old grumpy person you know might not actually be a jerk.  He might have experienced some heinous crap that you can’t begin to comprehend.  He may have earned the right to be grumpy.  So cut him some slack.

The Drop/James Gandolfini – I wish James Gandolfini could have received a posthumous Best Supporting Actor nomination since, sadly, he’ll never have a chance at another one.  It was a decent film and in my opinion, Gandolfini’s best performance since The Sopranos.

What are your picks?  Who do you think got snubbed?  Inquiring Bookshelf Battlers want to know.

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Feb 21 2015
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Movies

Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish 3 (Casting Call 3)

I’ve decided that Fred the Pet Store owner needs a love interest.  That way my upcoming film will appeal to both men and women.  Men will enjoy the action, while women will be enthralled by the romantic tale of a pet shop owner winning the heart of his lady love.

Bold move I know, to deviate from the source material, but I’m writing in a girlfriend for Fred.

JULIA ROBERTS

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, in a pet shop full of monstrous, evil killer fish, asking him to love her.

Hmmm.  Can you read this with a Southern accent?  And also, not be old?

MILEY CYRUS

Dang y’all, there’s all like dang crazy fish runnin’ round…I better stick my tongue out at ’em!

NEXT!

DREW BARRYMORE

I’m just like…you know…thinking…that Fred, you spend so much time running this pet store?  That like…you totally forget to run the pet store inside your mind…

NEXT!

MEGAN FOX

Hi.  I’m all hot and stuff.  I’m going to stand next to these killer mutant fish and look totally hot.

When can you start?

 

 

 

 

 

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Feb 20 2015
1 Comment
Movies

Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish Part 3 (Casting Call 2)

And we’re back, still discussing that first novel I penciled when I was around ten year olds.  Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish was an epic sci-fi action fest.

Yesterday, I did a casting call for Fred the Pet Store Owner, who fights the mutant fish.  Today, I’m doing a casting call for the Mad Scientist who randomly walks into Fred’s pet shop with no explanation whatsoever and dumps toxic sludge into the tanks, thus creating enormous, super-sized killer mutant fish.

Stop laughing!  You know this crap is better than half of what’s on TV today.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN

Huh-lo!  I’m a…mad sci-en-tist!  I must turn these fish…into mu-tants, thus finally obtaining my rah-venge…against the cruel world that failed to heed my sci-en-tif-ic warnings.  If pee-puhl con-tin-yoo…to destroy the en-vi-ro-ment…then the world will be engulfed…by mu-tant fish…just like these!

Hmmm.  A valiant effort, but not what we’re looking for.

KEVIN SPACEY

There’s a saying in my home world of Mad Science Land.  If you fail to listen to brilliant mad scientists, then don’t be surprised when the Earth is overrun by a race of super powerful fish.  :::knocks the table twice:::

Next!

JACK NICHOLSON

You want the truth about fish?! YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH ABOUT FISH!  Son, we live in a world with tanks.  Who’s going to protect them?  You?  You pet store owner Fred Wineburg?  You mock me at parties but deep down you want me on those tanks, you need me on those tanks…

I dunno.  I’m not feeling it.  Next!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Yeah I made those f*$king killer mutant fish and I hope they burn in hell!

Hmmm.  I’m intrigued.  Can you keep going, Sam?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

The path of the righteous fish is beset on all sides by the inequities of the sel-fish and the tyranny of evil fish…

You’ve got it!  You’ve got this part!

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Feb 19 2015
3 Comments
Movies

Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish 2 (Casting Call)

As discussed yesterday, when I was approximately ten years old, give or take a year, I penciled in a notebook my first novel, Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish.

Now that I’m a big time blogging mogul with 3.5 regular readers, including my Aunt Gertrude, I have the resources to turn this novel into a major movie production.

Recently, I held a casting call.  The following actors read for the part of Fred the Pet Store Owner, who, as discussed yesterday, shoots all of the fish.  Why a pet store owner had a gun, I don’t know.  But it wasn’t because when I was ten I was a lazy writer.  I purposely left it up to the reader’s interpretation.

AL PACINO

Hoowah!  You little fishy finned cock-a-roaches think you can come into my establishment and eat my customers?  If I was half-the man I was twenty years ago, I’d take a flamethrower to this place!  Say hello to my little friend!

Al, my people will call your people.  Next:

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Alright, alright, alright.  Hello there kemosabes.  Listen, y’all need to just take a deep breathe and chill out.  Take off your pants and bang on some bongo drums.  All this?  Right here?  This life?  All of this interaction?  This is all just a trick.  We’re all just sentient meat, fooling ourselves into thinking that our base thoughts and emotions actually matter, when in the grand scheme of things, they really don’t.

Don’t call us, Matthew.  We’ll call you.  Next:

DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON

CAN YOU SMELL WHAT FISH THE ROCK IS COOKIN’?!!

God Sakes Alive, you have to be old as shit to get that joke.  Next!

ROBERT DENIRO

You bloopin’ to me?  You make those little puckery bloop bloop fish faces and bloop at me?  Well, I don’t see anyone else around here, so you must be talkin to me!

I don’t know.  A solid performance, but I just picture Fred being younger.  Next!

CLINT EASTWOOD

Go ahead.  Make my filet.

(Cymbal tap – ba dum bum ching!)  Sorry, I said younger!

JESSE EISENBURG

Um…yeah…um you…you…you know I didn’t ask for any of this.  I’m just a guy running a pet store.  I keep the pets fed and if someone wants a pet I sell them a pet.  But…but….but…this?  I’m not prepared for this.  Nothing in my life has prepared me for this…this, what is this?  Fish, these Killer Mutant Fish and all they do is run around, trying to eat all the customers?  And how are they walking on land if they need to be in water?

You had it until you started asking questions.

This might be a tough one.  I’ll have to think about who would make for a good Fred.  If you have any ideas, please post them in the comments.  Tomorrow, we’ll be casting for the part of the Mad Scientist.

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Feb 16 2015
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TV

“We Are the Walking Dead” – Walking Dead Recap 2/15/15

GRRR…ARRRGH…SPOILERS!

“We are the Walking Dead.”

Was Rick’s statement in the barn tonight just a random thought or did it hold greater meaning for the show?

Rick shooting the crap out of these zombies on my bookshelf. Keep it down, guys. I'm trying to take a nap.

Rick shooting the crap out of  zombies on my bookshelf. Keep it down, guys. I’m trying to take a nap.

We all thought “the Walking Dead” referred to the zombies – does it actually refer to the human survivors?

MIND=BLOWN!

Other thoughts:

  • A big Maggie episode.  She’s heartbroken over the loss of Beth.
  • A big Sasha episode.  She’s heartbroken over the loss of Tyrese.  Two heartbroken characters tonight.
  • Sasha has become a loose cannon – diving in and risking the group…and even causing a near Rick bite!
  • Abraham slaps possibly poisoned water out of Eugene’s hand.  Aww.  He still cares.
  • Maggie a little harsh to Gabriel, though understandable.
  • Does dog taste like chicken?
  • What’s up with the kidnapped walker?  Do we ever find out how she got in the trunk?
  • How did they survive that zombie onslaught in the barn?
  • Who is this new guy at the end?  Whenever someone claims to be a friend on this show, they aren’t!

What did I miss?  Discuss!

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Feb 13 2015
20 Comments
Book Based Movies

Fifty Shades of Blech

I try my best not to make fun of the work of others on this blog.  And let’s

50 Shades of Grey - 20 Percent of Off

50 Shades of Grey – 20 Percent of Off

face it, make fun of Fifty Shades of Grey all you want, but the author, publisher, and now movie studio behind it are raking in the dough.

I just can’t help but scratch my head though as I try to make sense out of why today’s modern, empowered woman would be into this thing.  But that’s a slippery slope I don’t want to get onto, lest I be accused of trying to tell women what to do.

Here’s the hypothetical Hollywood pitch meeting as it plays out in my head:

HOLLYWOOD SUIT 1 :  OK.  We’ve got this great movie idea.

This mousy woman goes to interview a man, but discovers he has a secret room where he tortures women!

HOLLYWOOD SUIT 2:  Oh my God!  Sounds terrifying!  So what, I guess we brand it as a horror flick and release it on Halloween?

SUIT 1:  What?  No!  Sorry, I forgot to mention the guy is handsome and rich.

SUIT 2:  Handsome and rich?!  Well, why didn’t you say so?  Sounds like a surefire Valentine’s Day blockbuster to me!!!

Admittedly, I’ve never seen the book nor read the film.  If you have, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the main theme basically, “If you’re handsome and rich, it’s ok to abuse women?”

Eh, what the hell do I know?  I’m just a humble book blogger.  Y’all have fun at the movie.  I’ll be at home lamenting the decline of Western civilization as we know it.

In conclusion, let me be clear.  I’m not telling women what they should or shouldn’t like.  I am saying that Susan B. Anthony is rolling in her grave.

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