Tag Archives: indie publishing

And Now a Message From the East Randomtown Mall

The East Randomtown Mall.shutterstock_249816679 copy

Come for the…well, we’re not sure what you’d come for, since there are only three stores still open. Thanks Internet.

Stay for the…oh, who we are kidding?

But we’re pleased to announce that this Thursday, Oct. 1, Dr. Hugo Von Science will be demonstrating his latest invention, the Reality TV Star Transmogrifier, which he claims has the ability to change reality TV stars from useless wastes of space into productive members of society.

Test subjects include that hot chick who put out a sex tape with an NFL player, Jenna Simone of Just Jenna, the Streibcheck brothers of Toilet Catastrophes, and the crew of Stereotypical Italian New Jerseyians.

Dr. Hugo asked us to announce that his device has been fully tested and absolutely no one will be turned into zombies.  Hmm.  That’s kind of a weird announcement but what do we know?  He’s the doctor.

So come on down.  This show is totally free, but please, buy something, will you?

#31Zombie Authors begins Oct. 1!  Sarah Lyons Fleming of the Until the World End Series will kick things off by teaching BQB how to pack the perfect bug out bag, perfect to keep by your door in case you need to flee a zombie attack in a jiffy!

Check out the Oct. 1-10 lineup here.

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#31Zombie Authors – The Lineup – Oct 1 – 10

By: Bookshelf Q. Battler, Blogger-in-Chief shutterstock_173570747 copy

It’s almost here, 3.5 readers!  It’s almost here!

Starting October 1, I’ll be interviewing one author of zombie fiction per day for 31 days.

And these won’t be your typical interviews.

A zombie apocalypse is going to hit East Randomtown (my home town) on October 1 (convenient, I know) and at great risk to myself, I will take a break every day from the undead carnage to call up a different author using Alien Jones’ space phone.

From Oct. 1 to 10, here are the scribes that will be coming to the aid of your humble blog host:

Links will bring you to the authors’ Amazon pages:

DAY 1 – Sarah Lyons Fleming

sarah lyons fleming

The author of the Until End of the World series is going to help me pack the perfect bug-out bag.  For you non-preppers out there, that’s a bag to keep by your door to grab in case of a zombie attack that requires you to abandon your home at a moment’s notice.

DAY 2 – Jaime Johnesee

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Most zombies are dirty brain chomping scumbags but believe it or not, there are a few good natured zombies that don’t mean any harm.  The  creator of the lovable goofball protagonist of Bob the Zombie helps me see the lighter side of the undead.

DAY 3 – Stevie Kopas 

stevie k

“The End of the World is Not Glamorous.”  So goes the tagline of Stevie Kopas’ The Breadwinner Trilogy.  Sometimes we nerds, what with our post-apocalyptic survival fantasies and all, tend to forget just how good we have it when it comes to food, running water, electricity, Internet and so on. Don’t worry as this scribe’s characters are surely reminded.

DAY 4 – Ann Christy

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Retired Naval Officer Ann Christy’s Between Life and Death series features Emily, an eighteen year old who expected her life was going to be all about dating and college only to find herself smashing heads with her favorite sledgehammer.  It just goes to show that a zombie apocalypse sure can toss a monkey wrench into the plains you laid out for your life but fear not, 3.5 readers, for Ann will help me sort things out.

DAY 5 – Perrin Briar

perrin briar

What do you get when you cross the classic tale of Swiss Family Robinson with zombies?  Why, Swiss Family RobinZOM of course.  I become so intrigued by this reimagining of one of my favorite books that I get Perrin on the line to dish, not just about this tale but his other zombie-fied works such as Z-Minus and Blood Memory as well. 

DAY 6 – S.G. Lee

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The author of the Journal of the Undead series dips into his bag of tricks to help your friendly neighborhood book nerd last another day against the undead hordes.  His books even have their own official action figure developed by Mark Neto of Markneto’s Mightiest Mego Super Customs.

I thought about hiring Mark to create a Bookshelf Q. Battler action figure, but an action figure of a guy who collects action figures seems way too meta.

DAY 7 – Gillian Zane

gz

One might think that the erotica and zompoc genres don’t jive, but Gillian explains how danger is an aphrodisiac in her NOLA Zombie novels, where survivors are either killing uglies or bumping them (that is to say each others’ and not the zombies.)   Sorry, but you have to clarify everything nowadays.

Also, Gillian is going to school me on how to become an alpha male… so all you women better get your asses over to this blog and check it out!

(Of course, I mean only if you want to, ladies.  You know, if you’re not busy and it’s not too much trouble.  I’m so sorry for being rude.  Please accept my apology.)

Poor Gillian.  She’s really got her work cut out for her with a world renowned poindexter like me.

DAY 8 – Joseph “Zombie” Zuko

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Joseph Zuko is such a bonafide expert on all things undead that “Zombie” is literally his middle name.  OK, so I haven’t checked his birth certificate, but its still pretty impressive.  Joe, seen above peddling his book, The Infected, door to door, will give me an ed-u-ma-cation on everything from anti-zombie weaponry, post-apocalyptic fitness skills, and even some sweet ass Krav Maga moves.  Zombies won’t know what hit them once good ole’ Zombie Zuko gets through training me.

DAY 9 – Devan Sagliani

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I sit this one out to give Video Game Rack Fighter a chance to hone her interviewing chops.  The screenwriter of HVZ: Humans vs. Zombies, based on the popular live action role playing game, talks about his novels like Zombie Attack! as well as how his love of Los Angeles allowed him to bring the City of Angels alive in great detail in LA Undead.

DAY 10 – Armand Rosamilia

armand

You know 3.5 readers, if a fight ever breaks out between a horde of zombies and Armand Rosamilia, my money is on Armand.  I don’t think the zombies would even bother to try anything.  Like Chuck Norris, the only thing Armand would have to do is just shake his head in a disapproving manner and the zombies would get all panicked and run in the opposite direction.

Personally, I don’t even think Chuck Norris would stand a chance.

Armand’s well-versed in horror fiction and will check in to talk about his Dying Days series.  He’s even written about Cthulhu, which I give him props for, as the legendary squid faced beast is vastly underrepresented in today’s fiction.

Armand is seen above holding a cuddly pink version of Cthulhu, only because you’d probably freak the hell out if you were to ever lay eyes upon the real legendary monster.

There’s more to come, 3.5 readers!  #31ZombieAuthors October 1 all the way through Halloween right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog!

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#31ZombieAuthors Begins October 1!

Hey 3.5 readers,shutterstock_142239163 copy

I’ve been working harder than a zombie chasing after a truck load of brains this past month.  It’s gone by so fast and I can’t believe thirty one people all came together so quickly to help me out.

This is going to be great.

So I don’t have much for you today as I’m still working on this project.

Whatever promotional support you can provide would be awesome.  Please feel free to blog about this or share the news on your favorite social media/time wasting website.

Don’t forget, you can find me here, on bookshelfbattle.com

On Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

On Google +

On Facebook – Please drop by my Facebook page!  I’ve been putting more of an effort lately into building it up.  My fanbase there is sort of non-existent at the moment.

On Wattpad – Note I will be sharing BQB’s Survivor’s Journal on Wattpad (though entries will appear here on the blog first) but you will have to read the blog for the interviews.

What a fabulous online community of writers we have that so many people were willing to help a nerd in need.

Mark your calendars.  Tell your friends.  Pop your pop corn and hold onto your brains.

October is going to be one fun month.

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The Writer’s Battle – What Can We Learn From Pizza Rat?

Holy Crap.  Will you 3.5 readers drop what you’re doing and look at this little jerk?

This rat has got to be the last true believer of the American Dream, let me tell you.

Look at him!

Other rats see a slice of pizza.  Maybe they’ll take a bite.  Maybe they’ll push it a little, get tired, and scurry away.

But here this little schmuck is, carrying this piece of pizza (WHICH IS BIGGER THAN HE IS) down a flight of stairs, one step at a time, presumably in an attempt to cart it off to his rat lair to feed his rat wife and rat children.

God bless you, Pizza Rat.  You’ve made me believe again.  Shit, let’s elect this rat president.

What can writers learn from Pizza Rat?

  • Writing is hard work.  It’s one thing to think about doing it, but only determination and sheer will gets it done.
  • When others shrug their shoulders and give up, you get in there and get that pizza!  Other people give up on writing all the time.  By keeping at it, you’re doing better than all the other writers, just like this rat did better than all the other rats.  You see any other rats out there becoming a viral video star?  I think not.
  • Success comes one step at a time.  Get the pizza slice down one step.  Then another step.  Then another one.  Don’t skip steps. This furry little contagion infested dynamo look at the stairs and cry, “Oh my God!  Too many steps!  I give up!”  No, damn it, he took his slice down one step at a time.  Unfortunately, the video cut short and it does appear like he abandoned his slice at one point, but I like to think that he got nervous around the humans and went back for his dinner once the coast was clear.
  • The same thing goes for your writing.  You start your blog.  You think, “Oh my God!  That other blog has thousands of readers!  I only have 3.5!  SO WHAT?  You get in there and you entertain the ever loving shit out of your adoring 3.5 readers, just as I do every day.  I’ve dragged my pizza/blog down the 3.5 readers step.  One day I’ll drag it down the 100 readers step.  Then the 200 readers step.  Before you know it I’ll be back at my rat lair, chomping on my pizza, or rather, enjoying an audience of a thousand readers.
  • Apply the Pizza Rat model to your daily word count.  Don’t be like one of those lazy ass rats who looks at a pizza, shouts, “Too big!  No thanks!” and scurry off with an empty belly.  Don’t look at your computer screen and go, “A hundred thousand words!  I’ll never type that much!  I’ll just give up on my dream!”  No.  Be like Pizza Rat.  Type a few words today.  A few more tomorrow.  After awhile, you’ll have one delicious novel.

Patience.  Determination.  Guts.  Glory.  Be strong enough to do the work others are too weak to even try.

God damn it, Pizza Rat, if I were a hot she-rat I’d be so turned on I’d have a million of your pizza rat babies and send them out to spread the plague all over the five boroughs.

So remember, 3.5 readers/aspiring writers, today, your writing career might make you feel like a tiny rat and success will appear as far away as the bottom of a long ass stairwell.  But go slow, take it one step at a time, and before you know it, you’ll be feasting on cheesy, gooey success.

Pizza Rat 4-Eva!

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Amazon’s $50 Tablet

Amazon has released a $50 tablet.

They’re so cheap you can buy a 5-pack for $250.

Use them as stocking stuffers.  Hell, leave one by your bed, one in your car, one at the office, one on your kitchen table, toss them all over and you won’t be without a tablet next time you need one.

Does your kid keep bugging you for your tablet?  Give them this one so they won’t get their greasy fingers all over yours.

Are they any good?  God I hope not or else I overspent on my last tablet.

What’s Amazon up to?  Assumably, they want to get their products into the hands of as many people as possible and are reaching into the market of folks who normally couldn’t afford a tablet…which is a good thing.

That or perhaps with Apple and Samsung tearing up the tablet market, perhaps they might think “$50 bucks could convince an Apple user to try us out.”

And they’re right.  I’ve been curious about Kindle, but not enough to abandon my iPad.  $50 might convince me to check it out.

What will it mean for us aspiring scribes?  More people with tablets=more readers?

More readers for other people.  I only have 3.5.

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The Writer’s Battle: How Many Books Should an Author Write Per Year?

Hey 3.5 readers.shutterstock_197378663 copy

So the fracas all began with this article in the Huffington Post.

Lorraine Devon Wilke argues, “Dear Self-Published Author: Do NOT Write Four Books a Year.”

At the outset, the premise reeks of establishment anti-self publishing flair, doesn’t it?

But in Wilke’s defense, she writes:

Unless they’re four gorgeously written, painstakingly molded, amazingly rendered and undeniably memorable books. If you can pull off four of those a year, more power to you. But most can’t. I’d go so far as to say no one can, the qualifier being good books.

I don’t want to stick words into someone’s mouth but the message I carried away was, “Don’t write four books a year unless you can put out four good books.”

That’s fair.

Further, she has self-published so I can’t accuse her of being an agent of “The Man” i.e. traditional publishing.

Wilke noted recent Pulitizer Prize winners who spent a great many years on their masterpieces.  Donna Tartt, for example, spent eleven years on The Goldfinch while Anthony Doerr took years to craft his tale.

It’s about quality over catalogue, and Doerr only had four books to his credit before his prize winner, while Harper Lee only put out one book, To Kill a Mockingbird.

Larry Correia, author of the Monster Hunter series of books (and a dude who got his start in self publishing) had this to say on his blog, Monster Hunter Nation:

If it takes you ten years to write a book—which doesn’t win the biggest most famous award in all of literature—and you make $15,000 (I’m being generous), that means you made $1,500 for each YEAR of labor. Let’s say all that diligent proofing, unhurried imagining, and turd polishing only took up 500 hours a year. Congratulations. You would have made more money waiting tables at Applebees… before tips.

I don’t know about you guys, but A. I can’t bank on getting a major motion picture staring Gregory Peck and become mandatory reading for all high school students. B. I’m probably not ever going to win a Pulitzer Prize. And C. I like making a hundred bucks an hour a lot more than I like making $3 an hour.

NOTE:  If you read Larry’s entire response, you’ll see he is in no way bashing Tartt or Doerr and he gives them due credit for publishing high quality award worthy works.

His point is that those authors’ experiences are atypical.  As an aspiring author, the likelihood of you winning a prestigious award is small.

I don’t want to put words in Larry’s mouth either but the message I took was that one can spend years on one book for the small, unlikely chance of winning a prestigious award, or one could publish more books and earn more compensation.

WHAT SAY YOU, BQB?

Here’s how all this applies to your favorite nerd, 3.5 readers.

I’m not old.

But I’m not young either.

Over the years, I’ve discovered the following to be unassailably true:

Life does not give a shit about your plans.

Disaster does not wait until you’re ready.  Chaos does not take a powder until you’ve completed a goal.

Shit happens with a vengeance.  I know because I’ve been there.

I know what it’s like to be plugging away on a dream only to receive bad news one day and all of a sudden, said dream becomes deferred.

I have dreams of being a writer.

But I am also a human being with basic needs like food, water, clothes, shelter, utilities etc.

So I need to work a day job.

Then at night and on the weekend, I have to perform a variety of life sustaining activities.  Chores if you will.

I have to maintain my humble BQB HQ.  I need to iron my pants.

And damn it, someone needs to take Bookshelf Q. Battledog for a walk.

So after all that’s done, there’s not a lot of time to write.

I try to make up for it.  I stay up later.  Get up earlier.

Given such a schedule, I could probably put out one or two books a year.

I don’t know.  I haven’t tried it yet.

Here’s what I’m getting at:

Money is nothing to sneeze at, avoid, or to be treated as bad when it comes to publishing.

Sorry, but it’s true.

As a man who’s been browbeaten repeatedly by life, I know that the next ass kicking life has in store for me is just around the corner.

What could it be?  I hate to think about it.

What I know is that whatever said disaster is, I’ll keep working because the need to sustain life isn’t going away.

THEREFORE – If I can find a way to make enough money from writing so as to be able to turn writing into my day job, then I know the next disaster life throws my way will not stop me from writing because writing is my job.

BUT – I am at the point where I realize if life tosses me a disaster before I’ve gotten a writing career off the ground, then that’s that.  I’ll keep working.  I’ll come home.  Deal with whatever the disaster is in my spare time and then that will be life.

ERGO – I don’t have eleven years.  Sorry life, I don’t trust you.  I know at some point in the next eleven years, you’re going to deliver me a whopper, some problem I’ll have to face while continuing to work and earn a living.

We all have our own thresholds.  Personally, I can probably sustain this for five years without a profit but shit, if 2020 rolls around and I’ve yet to see dollar one, I’m going to start taking it easier and watch some more TV and play some more video games in my spare time.

CONCLUSIONS

The confusing part for me is I don’t think either writer said anything wrong.

Wilkes basically said don’t write four books a year…unless you can.  So if you can, go for it.  Many people can’t.

Larry’s saying your number one goal needs to be to get paid, but if you read on in his article, he notes clearly you can’t sacrifice quality.  Putting out a crap novel will irk your audience and therefore take away from your profits.

What say me, BQB?  People shouldn’t judge a book by the amount of time that was spent on it.  That’s not to say don’t applaud a writer who dared to hold onto a dream for 11 years and see it through to amazing results.

But on the other hand, if someone is so talented they were able to churn out a decent novel in a relatively short amount of time, there’s no need to discredit said individual either.

Further, we often talk about “how many years” but we don’t talk about hour counts.

Bookshelf Q. Battledog

Bookshelf Q. Battledog

Someone who writes full time for a living i.e. who wakes up, puts on the coffee, then clacks on the keys until the end of the day, could probably, in theory, put out more books in a year than say, a jerk face like me who’s trying to squeeze in some time to write between work, mowing the lawn, ironing my pants and walking my killer attack papillon.

Say I put one hour a day into a novel for 365 days?

Meanwhile, the established professional writer puts in a standard 40 hour work week, and after 9 weeks (and roughly 365 hours), has completed a comparable novel.

Does that mean I care more because “my novel took a year” while the other guy’s took “nine weeks?”

Thus, I guess in my typical BQB happy go lucky manner, I’ll say both authors are right.

What you can turn out in a year is a matter of a) your talent b) your situation in life c) your ability to be honest with yourself and determine whether or not your product is ready to go or crap that needs more work and therefore more time.  For that, you’re going to need professional help.  (An editor, not a shrink, though a little time on the black couch never hurt anyone.)

In short, if you’ve got the talent, don’t hold yourself back.  On the other hand, if you put out crap, your readers will run.  Only you (and your professional writing help i.e. editor) can determine whether your work’s good to go or if it needs more time in the oven.

All I know is I need to get my writing career off the ground before life delivers me that crushing blow that convinces me to say, “F it.  Bring me my Cheetos, it’s time to watch TV.  Writing, schmiting.”

What say you, 3.5?

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Why I Hope You’ll Check Out #31ZombieAuthors (Even If You Don’t Like Zombies)

This will be me in October. And I'll still take a break for zombie author interviews!

This will be me in October. And I’ll still take a break for zombie author interviews!

First off, if you do like zombies, you’re in for one hell of a ride come October.

I’m holding off on the full list of participating authors, but so many great writers have agreed to participate.

As you can imagine, for a guy who writes a blog under the name “Bookshelf Q. Battler” and claims to a) own a magic bookshelf and b) be friends with an alien, that’s very humbling.

There’s a fabulous online community of scribes and more often than not, help is usually just a polite question away.

So even if you have no interest in the zombie genre, I hope you’ll stop by anyway.

Why?  Because I’ll be interviewing thirty-one authors who have successfully published and put their works out to the masses.

Maybe you prefer comedy, or romance, or some other genre.  Even so, if you’re an aspiring writer, and I know a lot of you out there are, you’ll pick up some know-how from folks who have achieved what so far many of us have only dreamed of.

And hopefully, you’ll have some laughs along the way because of the unique way this interview series is being presented.

Every day, BQB (that’s me) will update his “Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal.”  East Randomtown will be overrun by the undead, and it’s up to  BQB, Alien Jones, and Video Game Rack Fighter to save the day.

And once a day, our hero will take a break from the action to “call” a writer on Alien Jones’ space phone.

In a zombie-fied world where phone service is down, only a plutonium powered alien communications device will do.

How can you help?

3.5 readers, this year has been all about building a blog audience.  One post a day for 365 days.  Next year, I need to turn my focus to writing books of my own.

I love writing and don’t worry, that doesn’t mean I’m abandoning the blog next year, though I believe I will have to slow down the pace.

But as much I love writing, I have to admit, in the long run, with all that the world tends to throw at us, writing is generally difficult to sustain unless it’s bringing in money.

Have you seen Field of Dreams? 

“If you build it, they will come.”

This blog is my dream.  A platform on which to build a writing career.  I’m building it and I need people to come.

So this effort represents one last great big push to raise this blog’s stats, followers, hits, and corresponding Twitter, Google Plus etc followers.

All fine folks who liked something they saw here enough to click the follow button and hopefully one day I’ll be able to convince you all to invest in the BQB brand by buying a BQB novel.

Once I get it written, of course.

Not to beg, but if you could do anything to help, that’d be great.

Tell your readers about it.  Heck, share the shenanigans of Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian, on your favorite time wasting social media outlet.

Want an interview with Bookshelf Q. Battler?  You got it.  My 3.5 readers are your 3.5 readers.

Most importantly, all of these authors have been so generous with their time, that anything you could do to spread the word about them would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for all your help, 3.5.  This has been the most work I’ve put in to this blog all year, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will pay off.

 

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The Writer’s Battle: Self Publishing and Why I Miss The Man

Hello 3.5 Readers.

Yeah I know

Yeah I know “The Man” looks like Informant Zero. Shutterstock ‘aint cheap, nerds.

Ahh, my younger days.  That magical, pre-techno revolution time when I was able to blame my lack of a writing career on a mysterious, mythical, “man” or “The Man” as I called him.

Have you ever heard of “The Man?”  He’s everywhere, you know.  No one knows who he is or what he looks like, but everyone who isn’t where they want to be is certain this rapscallion is standing in the way.

Yes, 3.5, back when self-publishing meant you took the scribbles you made on a legal pad and sent them through the photocopying machine, I was able to sit back and blame my failure to become a published author on The Man:

BQB 1.0 (Before Self-Publishing)

Well, I might as well not waste my time writing because it’s not like The Man is going to allow anyone as sophisticated and subversive as I am to get published!  Pass the Dorito bag and get me my video game controller!

I don’t know who I was bossing around there. My entire life,  I’ve never known anyone willing to fetch me snacks or video game implements.  Sad really.

In other words, I felt better.  It wasn’t my fault.  It was The Man’s fault.

You youngsters might find that difficult to believe but keep in mind this was all in the days before social media, back when if you took a picture of your lunch and walked around showing it to everyone, they’d all call you an asshole.

Where are you, The Man?

Oh how I miss you, now that the self-publishing revolution is here.

Without my precious scapegoat, here’s what I go through now:

BQB 2.0 – Post Self-Publishing

I’m tired and I miss my precious video games but now I must attempt to follow my longstanding dream to become a published author now that The Man has been overthrown by technology!

Without The Man to blame, I have to come to terms on all the reasons why I blame myself for my lack of writing success:

REASON #1 – I’m Not Good Enough

That will enter my brain from time to time, then I’ll see a scene on TV that will inspire me to persevere.

CASE IN POINT:  On Game of Thrones, Tyrion was kidnapped by slaver traders who threatened to sell his dwarf appendage to a dwarf appendage merchant because in Westeros, dwarf appendages are thought to bring good luck.

MY RESPONSE:  Where’s my laptop?  George RR that sea captain hat wearing SOB is making a mint off this shit. Surely, I can come up with something half as witty as lucky dwarf appendages and at least make a little beer money.

Oh The Man.  How I miss you.  You used to keep this thought at bay:

REASON #2 – There Isn’t Enough Time

There is and there isn’t.  If you want to work all day and then come home and work all night, then yes, you’ll find time to write a novel.  It’s up to you if you want to work all day AND night and not do something crazy like sniff some fresh air, take a walk, or go to the bathroom.

The Man used to make me feel better on wasting all that precious writing time in the bathroom.  Now I just sit there on the bowl, cursing myself for losing those few precious moments of productivity that could have been spent writing.

Where have you gone, The Man?  Where have you gone?  I need you back:

REASON #3 – There’s No Assistance Available

CORRECTION:  There used to be no assistance available.  Now, thanks to self-publishing, there’s a whole cottage industry of editors and cover artists waiting to help you if you’re willing to invest in them.

Time was The Man stood between folks like that and myself.  Now they’re easy to find and their help is readily available.

Come back, The Man!

REASON #4 – I’m Not One of the Beautiful People

BACK THEN:  I’ll never get a book out because I have the looks and charm of a cactus and only certain well bred classy people get books published.

TODAY:  Underdogs are tearing it up in the self-publishing industry and everyone cheers for them.

Oh The Man.  How I miss you.  I was able to blame you for my failures, but now, thanks to self-publishing, the only man I can blame when my book isn’t out there is myself.

RIP

THE MAN

The Beginning of Time – The Past Few Years, Give or Take

Yes, I’m being facetious.  Yes, I realize even if my stuff never gains an audience wider than 3.5 readers, the time I spend writing is still better spent than being transfixed to TV (even though, holy shit, it’s better now than it ever was, let me tell you.)

I recognize what miraculous times we live in that whether your book is a blockbuster or a dud, at least the tech is available to allow you to say, “I GAVE IT A TRY” and check “WRITE A BOOK” off your bucket list.

I’m not “old” but I’m getting older and as the years move on, I realize:

  • I’m probably not going to be playing for the NFL.
  • The fine scientists at NASA might not recruit me as an astronaut as my younger self once assumed they would.
  • Katee Sackhoff, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, isn’t going to marry me.  (Don’t tell Video Game Rack Fighter I said that.)
  • I’m not going to be president, which really, is more of a detriment to the country than to me, what with my proposed, “Let’s everyone stop playing grabass and get down to some serious shit here!” initiative.

But while pro-football, intergalactic space travel, Katee Sackhoff, and the Oval Office are all dreams that are fading fast, I am pleased to say that “publishing a book” is a dream of mine that is more realistic and plausible today than it ever was when I was a kid, thanks to the marvels of technology.

Shit.  I’d better get a book out there before The Man figures out a way to shut this self-publishing thing down.

Back off, The Man!

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#31ZombieAuthors/BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – A Preview

Without delving too far into spoilers, here are some highlights/plot points to look forward to:

#31ZombieAuthors - Oct 1-31 on the Bookshelf Battle Blog

#31ZombieAuthors – Oct 1-31 on the Bookshelf Battle Blog

  • Bookshelf Q. Battler, his girlfriend, Video Game Rack Fighter, and an incognito Alien Jones (posing as the couple’s deformed child) visit the East Randomtown Mall to observe a demonstration of Dr. Hugo Von Science’s latest invention, the Reality TV star transmogrifier, billed as the solution to turning people who are famous for doing nothing into productive members of society.
  • The experiment goes wrong, the stars are zombified, and BQB, VGRF, AJ and BQB’s old friend, Bernie Plotznick, become trapped in the mall.
  • BQB’s 3.5 readers will recognize Bernie as MC Plotznick.  In the late 90’s/early 2000’s Bernie and BQB were a duo of wholesome rappers dubbed “The Funky Hunks” whose raps only included positive advice, like looking both ways before crossing the street and recycling.  Naturally, they were miserable failures in the rap game.  BQB has moved on.  Bernie clings to the past, yearning for a Funky Hunk resurgence.
  • Other Bookshelf Battle Blog semi-regular characters, Aunt Gertie (BQB’s Aunt) and Blandie Settler (BQB’s ex-girlfriend) require our hero’s assistance.  Will BQB come to their rescue in time?  Will VGRF be cool with her man saving an ex?
  • Amongst East Randomtown residents, there is a rivalry as to who should be considered the town’s most famous citizen.  Some claim it is Doug Hauser, who once, during the 1980’s, appeared as an extra for 30 seconds on a cop drama TV show in which he played a drug dealer who had the crap beaten out of him.  Others claim the title goes to Bookshelf Q. Battler, who has brought glory to an otherwise unknown burg by building a WordPress blog that attracts 3.5 readers.
  • Naturally, Doug and BQB, due to their relative fame amongst the East Randomtown citizenry, will be looked to for leadership.  Will they be able to set aside their differences in order to govern justly in the wake of a leadership vacuum or will the rivalry consume them?
  • There is a slight amount of Pop Culture Mysteries crossover in that General Morganstern, a corrupt military leader, wants to use the zombie apocalypse as an excuse to blow up BQB in order to shut down the Bookshelf Battle Blog and effectively silence Jake from revealing the details of a top secret mission.
  • And if that’s not enough pressure, the Mighty Potentate aka Alien Jones’ boss, as the 3.5 are aware, has long held that BQB is the chosen one, i.e. a writer who will one day write a book so expertly crafted that it will inspire the masses to drop all interest in reality television altogether, thus preventing a form of programming hated by the MP from spreading throughout the universe.
  • Ergo, the Mighty Potentate informs Alien Jones that should BQB become zombie chow, he will dispatch a legion of alien shock troops to conquer Earth for the sole purpose of banning reality TV.
  • And also Alien Jones will be vaporized.

HOW IT ALL WORKS

  • Every day in October, BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal will explain what BQB and Co. are up to on said day.
  • Though the zombie apocalypse causes massive power failure and phone service disruptions, Alien Jones is the proud owner of a space phone.  Powered by plutonium and able to contact anyone anywhere in the universe with said device, BQB will take a break from the action once a day to contact and interview a different zombie author.
  • Not to toot my own horn, but a number of zombie authors involved, individuals far more published and experienced than I, have informed this nerd that they find the whole idea fun and hilarious.
  • Even if zombies aren’t your thing, writers and self-publishers will want to stop by anyway, as the zombie authors, in addition to advising BQB on how to survive a zombie apocalypse, will also share about their writing process, publishing tips, etc.

I hope you’ll all join me Oct 1 and follow the zombie mayhem every day throughout October 31.

Any help you could provide in promo’ing this – on your blog, your favorite time wasting social media site, etc. would be appreciated.

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Zombies

Hey 3.5,

Hope you’re all doing well.  I don’t have much for you today other than to say hello and comply with the terms of the one post a day challenge.

Can’t believe September is tomorrow.  How the year has flown by.

I’m excited about #31ZombieAuthors.  I think it’s going to be a real treat for everyone.  It’s a lot of work but it’s going to be worth it once October rolls around.

If you know any zombie authors who want to participate, please let me know.

And if anyone is interested in blogging about it, please do!

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