Statement by the President on the Passing of Leonard Nimoy
Long before being nerdy was cool, there was Leonard Nimoy. Leonard was a lifelong lover of the arts and humanities, a supporter of the sciences, generous with his talent and his time. And of course, Leonard was Spock. Cool, logical, big-eared and level-headed, the center of Star Trek’s optimistic, inclusive vision of humanity’s future.
I loved Spock.
In 2007, I had the chance to meet Leonard in person. It was only logical to greet him with the Vulcan salute, the universal sign for “Live long and prosper.” And after 83 years on this planet – and on his visits to many others – it’s clear Leonard Nimoy did just that. Michelle and I join his family, friends, and countless fans who miss him so dearly today.
I just want to point out one part:
“Long before being nerdy was cool…”
We are now in a time when being nerdy is cool. Do you remember a time when it wasn’t? I do. It wasn’t fun. Kind of bittersweet, isn’t it?
The White House has official stated nerdy=cool and recognized Nimoy as a pioneer of nerdyness. We live in good times.
Well, ok, aside from all of the other atrocities you hear about on TV everyday…but beside those, we live in good times when it comes to being a nerd.
Do not attempt to adjust your computer. I have taken control of bookshelfbattle.com
Alien Jones, Special Guest Contributor to bookshelfbattle.com
To pronounce my name would require you to rub sandpaper on your tongue for three hours and then stretch it out while a musician strums it like a ukulele string. Neither of us have time for that, so you may simply refer to me as “Alien Jones.”
This name was carefully selected after I asked the computer on my spaceship to determine a name that the insignificant human mind could wrap itself around. It came down to either “Alien Jones” or “Goofy Space Man.” I selected the most dignified option of the two.
Do not embarrass yourself by asking what planet I hail from. By edict of my emperor, I am forbidden to tell you. My home world has passed legislation known as the “Keep the Humans from Finding Us So Our Airwaves Are Not Filled with Reality Television Act.” Violation will result in me being slapped unconscious with my own ganderflazer.
First and foremost, I’d like to take this opportunity to share a public service announcement. My home world banned the practice of human probing over a thousand years ago, in the year you would refer to as 1015 A.D. At that time, our revered team of scientists and medical doctors announced they had discovered all there is to be learned through endoscopic exploration of human nether regions.
The practice was banned but, alas, even a highly intelligent species such as mine is not without its weirdoes. Rogue aliens have been conducting their own unsanctioned probing missions to your planet for an entire millennium. Many of you simple folk have been duped into being willing participants.
Therefore, please be aware that if an alien demands to probe you in the name of intergalactic science, he is acting alone and not under the authority of the emperor of my home world. You may comply if you so choose, or you may beat him with his own ganderflazer. The decision is entirely yours.
Now that I have dispensed with the pleasantries, I shall explain why I have briefly taken control of this blog.
I am not going to sugar coat it, Earth. You dudes are really screwing the pooch. You have a planet capable of sustaining life. Many species, including my own, recognize this miracle and act accordingly. You people?
Compare the accomplishments of my world vs. yours:
MEDICINE
MY WORLD: Our scientists have eradicated all diseases and remedied all bodily maladies. We live happy, pain free lives. Hospitals are non-existent as they are no longer necessary.
EARTH: Has yet to cure cancer or heart disease, yet erectile dysfunction pills are in abundant supply. Prioritize much, losers?
TECHNOLOGY
MY WORLD: All media is downloaded directly to our brains.
EARTH: The device you call an iPad was used by our prehistoric cave aliens to wipe their expectorant holes. We felt sorry for you nimrods, watching you tether yourselves to your televisions and computers that we decided to throw you a bone and beam the idea into the brain of renowned computer scientist, Mr. Steven Jobs.
TRANSPORTATION
MY WORLD: We have mastered intergalactic space travel.
EARTH: You people have barely mastered the Pontiac Aztec.
ENTERTAINMENT
MY WORLD: We have developed 4D television which allows you to enter and live as a character in your favorite program.
EARTH: Breaking Bad. OK. We will give you that one.
Aside from Breaking Bad, an idea we totally beamed into the mind of Mr. Vincent Gilligan, your planet is really stinking up the universe, Earthlings.
And to help you unstink yourselves, we beamed the idea to create this blog straight into the mind of Bookshelf Q. Battler. Yes, this site is an ongoing chronicle of one man’s love of books, movies, media, writing, and tales from his magic bookshelf.
But we zapped the idea to create this blog into Mr. Bookshelf’s mind. We even implanted him with the idea to blog once a day for a year.
Why?
Because we have identified Bookshelf Q. Battler as the most awesome dude on your planet, and frankly, given the pool of talent you’ve got down there, that isn’t saying much. Even so, this guy is pretty awesome, so you should all listen to him….and follow his blog…and follow his twitter…and follow him on Google Plus…and sing songs of his awesomeness from the rooftops. Also, bake him chocolate chip cookies.
Are you still unconvinced? Here is a smattering of what the most awesome individual on your pitiful planet has been up to lately:
When the F$%k Should Your Characters Swear? – Yes. Delightful. The worst swear in my language would require you to pull out your tongue and jump rope with it. You could never pronounce it and I certainly hope you never encounter a situation in which you deem it necessary to utter it.
A Review of Birdman – Even we aliens agree Michael Keaton was robbed. 1989 Batman forever!
A Response from the Yeti – Do you know any other bloggers willing to fight a snow beast just to blog for you? I thought not.
Those are just three of the best posts written by Bookshelf Q. Battler this month. I could go on and on all day about the awesomeness he has put into the universe over the past year.
And to help him garner the attention of more than a paltry 3.5 readers, I will, from time to time, take control of this blog through my space ship’s super computer and remind you of his latest contributions to your planet’s supply of cool stuff.
Your planet is lagging, Earthlings. Bookshelf Q. Battler will help you catch up. Continue to follow his blog, and maybe one day we will allow your species to sit at the intergalactic adults’ table.
Thank you for reading. You may now return to your programs about Kardashians and pizzas with crusts stuffed with cheese, as if you all aren’t portly enough already.
How to describe? I’m not even sure where to begin.
At the outset, when you go into it, you need to set aside traditional movie questions you’d normally ask to gauge a film’s overall effectiveness. “Was I entertained? Was I in suspense? Was I left hanging on the edge of my seat?” It’s more of an educational experience than a traditional plot based film so the typical questions don’t apply.
Growing up is painful, difficult, and has its series of ups and downs that few of us, if any, are spared from. The film begins in the early 2000’s and follows a family for 12 years. This unique idea leaves the viewer to watch the child actors grow up on screen before our very eyes. They start out as little kids and end up fully grown adult college students. And film crews shoot all of the bittersweet moments along the way.
Cultural references are crowbarred in all over the place. Music, movies, politics all serve as cues to let the viewer know how much time has passed. From the cheap clunky apple little Mason uses in the school library to the sleek apple he uses in high school, from little Sam singing Britney Spears in the beginning to Obama’s campaign, there’s a definite effort to make sure you, the viewer, are aware that time is moving on.
Director Richard Linklater took on an insurmountable task with this project. It’s hard enough to keep a normal production on track, let alone one that requires the same cast to return every once in awhile over the course of twelve years. Thus, it surprised me that he didn’t walk away with the Oscar for best director, even just for the courage to throw himself into the world of an unusual, time consuming project that from the start was destined to not become a big box office draw.
The film begins in the early 2000’s. Mason Jr. (Ellar Coltrane) and his sister, Samantha (Lorelei Linklater, thus the director could guarantee from the start that at least one cast member was going to return over the course of twelve years) are little kids living with single mom, Olivia, played by Patricia Arquette. Their biological father, Mason Sr. (Ethan Hawke) is the stereotypical screw-up, driving around in a sports car, having just returned after abandoning the family, and is now making an effort to be a part of the kids’ lives.
Throughout the film, Olivia tries to improve herself. She goes back to school. She marries a professor who seems great on the surface, but as it turns out, is an abusive alcoholic. When his rage fits go out of control, Olivia packs up Mason and Sam and leaves, and the kids are sad as they’d grown attached to their step-siblings, the professor’s kids.
Time moves on. Olivia becomes a professor herself. The kids aren’t the only ones who grow up before our eyes. The adults do as well. Olivia marries a student, a man who at first, appears to be a very charming war veteran, but, and perhaps in a bit too much of a cliched manner, becomes one more angry drunk that Olivia has to dump. Honestly, how many jerks must this woman suffer through?
Sometimes we look at kids, we see them with their video games and cartoons and we think they must be happy, but as the film shows, they suffer from a lot of sadness and angst. As a society, we should be aware of that. Kids in divorced families especially have it tough. Over the course of twelve years, Mason and Sam live with their mom, see their father every other weekend, suffer through two abusive drunk stepdads and overall just live confused lives where it looks like stability is never going to be an option for them.
We see Mason, a little boy, going from the typical, silly kid who crushes his homework in his backpack and forgets to give it to his teacher, to become a young man with a dream of becoming a photographer. We watch all of his milestones, from dressing up as a boy wizard to attend a Harry Potter premiere all the way to his graduation.
We are even spectators as Mason goes through his first breakup, something that happens to all of us. If it’s never happened to you, you’re one lucky individual. We’re even left with some hope as Mason meets a new girl with similar interests, the point being that Mason has learned not to seek out just any old girl but to find one who likes him for who he is.
I do have a complaint. Throughout the film, I feel like we’re asked to cheer on Olivia as she stands up for herself time and time again against a series of lousy men. At the start of the film, Hawke’s character, Mason Sr., is painted out as the typical “I refuse to grow up” family abandoning loser. By the end of the film, he has, in a very noble manner, taken the sadness he feels about losing his family and channels it to become Mr. Super Reliable, a great husband to his second wife, and wise, all-knowing Super Dad to Mason Jr, Sam, and the newborn he has with his second wife.
That’s very admirable. People shouldn’t be punished forever for their mistakes. If, like Mason Sr., they turn their lives around, they should be rewarded. But where’s Olivia’s reward? For a brief moment, we’re hoodwinked into thinking maybe her reward is found in the soldier she marries but out of the blue he’s turned into an abusive drunk. Didn’t we already have an abusive drunk in the form of the professor? Did we need a second one?
Getting back to my complaint – at the end of the movie, Olivia is left a sad old woman in a small apartment. Mason Jr. and Sam are off at college having the time of their lives. Mason Sr. has become the Dad we all wish we had. Olivia, the most responsible person in the entire movie, is the only one left without a reward. That just seems unfair to me.
At the end, there’s an implication that she regrets not sticking with Mason Sr (Hawke). Maybe she was too hard on him when he was young. Maybe she spent too much time chasing perfection. She went for the college professor and the war veteran, two men who were adept at holding themselves out to the world as perfect, but on the inside, had their own demons.
We’re left to think “if only Olivia had been more patient with Mason Sr.” No, he wasn’t perfect, but given time, he’d of morphed from the caterpillar he was to the butterfly Olivia was looking for all along. Are we all guilty of that? Probably. We should all try to be a little more patient with our significant others because ultimately, the grass isn’t always greener. The perfect person you’re searching for isn’t out there. No one is perfect.
That may be all well and good but the Mason Sr. we’re shown at the start of the film? We can’t begrudge young Olivia for turning a cold shoulder to him. So I’m not sure why Olivia doesn’t end up with some kind of reward at the end for all her struggles.
Like this review, the movie goes on a bit too long, though it is understandable. They had a lot of footage taken over a twelve year period and wanted to use it.
Is it worth your time? Yes, but just remember, it’s more of an educational experience than an entertaining one. If that’s not something you’re looking for, you might want to pass it up.
Look, I never saw The Theory of Everything. I’m sure its great. I’m sure Eddie Redmayne did a great job.
But come on. He’s young. He has like 50 years to get one. Michael Keaton’s been around for so long and snubbed for so long. It was really his turn.
Maybe it’s wrong to think like that. The award should just go to whoever did the best job, but it’s too bad. I just think Keaton is awesome and I thought it was going to be his night.
Oh well. I suppose he had a win in that the movie sort of semi-based on his career took home best picture.
Still, I feel like this results in either Keaton never gets an Oscar, or they pull a Jack Palance/City Slickers move and give it to Keaton when he’s 70 and appears in some random role in a goofball comedy.
OK so I have failed miserably in my self-challenge to watch all 2015 Oscar nominated films. I’m sorry to drop the petals off the daffodil folks, but occasionally this humble book blogger only reaches a 99.9% rate of perfection.
Thus far, I have only seen American Sniper, Birdman, and The Imitation Game (I still owe you a review). I have Boyhood loaded into my iTunes but have yet to get around to it.
So I’m a bit handicapped having not seen everything, which begs the question:
Bookshelf Q. Battler, are you really going to opine on things you know nothing about?
Um…yeah. I do that everyday. My original title for this blog was “Opinions on Stuff I Know Nothing About.” Writing opinions on stuff I know nothing about is my God given right as an American.
Without further ado, my predictions:
BEST FILM – Birdman
All the commentary out there suggests there is a horse race going on between Boyhood and Birdman. From what I’ve heard of Boyhood, it’s basically a “meh” sort of film and without the novel idea to shoot the young boy protagonist at different stages of his life, it probably wouldn’t have made it to the Oscars.
Meanwhile, Birdman has been winning many other awards and that’s a strong sign.
I’m going to flip a coin here and say Birdman. Birdman has a lot of messages that Hollywood wants you to hear, namely a) Stop complaining we feed you so much crap when you’re the ones who are eating it b) Stop complaining we don’t make enough artsy fartsy movies when you never watch them and c) being an actor isn’t all its cracked up to be
BEST ACTOR – Michael Keaton (Birdman)
I’ve got to go with Keaton. He’s been around for so long, he’s been in many amazing movies, and well, sad to say but, time keeps a-moving on whether we want it to or not, and he may not have many more chances to appear in Oscar buzz worthy work. Carrell, Cooper, Cumberbatch, Redmayne all turned in great performances, but they still have time and haven’t been around as long. It’s Keaton’s turn.
BEST ACTRESS – Julianne Moore (Still Alice)
I really, really want Rosamund Pike to win this for Gone Girl. SPOILER ALERT – in that movie, she plays the Amy whose safety you’re very concerned about when she goes missing as well as the Amy who…well, just go watch it.
But this is the year where Hollywood settles its debts and like Keaton, Moore is also overdue. That’s not a knock on Still Alice. I’m sure it’s great. She’s certainly been in a lot of other great films and is deserving.
ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE – JK Simmons (Whiplash)
The King of the Actors Long Overdue for Recognition. He’s that guy in every movie, you recognize his face as soon as you see it, but up until this nomination, you didn’t really know his name. He’s also the voice of the Yellow M and M.
ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE – Patricia Arquette (Boyhood)
When it comes to “long overdue” Arquette and Laura Dern (Wild) are both deserving. However, Boyhood has had more attention than Wild, so I think it’s going to go to Arquette. Emma and Keira turned in great performances, but they still have plenty of time. And Meryl? Jesus, she must be using these awards as paperweights at this point.
BEST DIRECTOR – Richard Linklater
Come on. Filming a kid at different stages of life and mixing it all into one film. Creative. Give him an award.
SNUBS
Finally, here’s my list of snubs:
Interstellar – the movie laid out a roadmap on how to get to deep space. Completely ignored! What? Who cares about outer space travel? Michael Keaton’s pretending to be a bird!
The Lego Movie – Best animated movie of the year no matter what. I assume it got turned down because it was seen by some as just a big commercial for legos but come on, most kids movies do lead to big time toy merchandising. If it was a commercial, it was a commercial with heart.
Saint Vincent – That old grumpy person you know might not actually be a jerk. He might have experienced some heinous crap that you can’t begin to comprehend. He may have earned the right to be grumpy. So cut him some slack.
The Drop/James Gandolfini – I wish James Gandolfini could have received a posthumous Best Supporting Actor nomination since, sadly, he’ll never have a chance at another one. It was a decent film and in my opinion, Gandolfini’s best performance since The Sopranos.
What are your picks? Who do you think got snubbed? Inquiring Bookshelf Battlers want to know.
Or, Hollywood is Sorry for Pushing Crap on You, But It’s Kind of Your Fault.
In 1989, Michael Keaton starred as the first Batman to not suck. That role made his career. I’d argue that it didn’t really define him though. He’s been in zany comedies and serious dramas, performing expertly in both.
Yet, as a former Batman who’s ditched the cowl to seek out more serious roles, one is left to wonder how much of Birdman is semi-autobiographical. Does Keaton identify with Riggan? Only Keaton could truly answer that.
Keaton plays Riggan Thomson, a big time actor who, twenty years ago, played a feathery comic book super hero in a series of Birdman films. They were special effects extravaganzas that made him a lot of money and were big at the box office.
Movieclips Trailers
Today, Riggan is trying to leave his past behind him and gain recognition as a serious actor. He’s broke, having sunk a fortune into a Broadway play adaptation of a work by author Raymond Carver. And true to the style of a play, the cameras follow the actors on and off stage, with very few cut scenes throughout the film.
Actors aren’t as happy as you’d think, there’s intense pressure, you can’t please everyone, and whatever you do, someone is criticizing you. You try to produce art (i.e. Raymond Carver) but alas, people just want fluff (i.e. Birdman). Even worse, once you “sell-out” and take a role like “Birdman,” the “true artist” community will shun you and refuse to consider your attempts at artistry, even if they are worthy of notoriety.
As consumers of entertainment, should we push for real, serious, dramatic art? Plays and movies where there’s all kinds of gut wrenching dialog to make you think? Or should we just have fun and watch Birdman fight bad guys?
Are purveyors of comic book movies making us all stupid? Are creators of heady dramas just too full of themselves?
These questions are asked, and never really answered, though the movie serves as a chronicle of one actor’s attempt to produce serious art only to be stymied at every turn.
Riggan’s foil, played by Ed Norton, is veteran broadway thespian Mike Shiner. Recruited for Riggan’s play, Shiner is a pretentious limelight hog and though he claims to be all about the art, he’s ultimately just as obnoxious as any movie star.
Meanwhile, Riggan has to deal with a snooty play review critic, who vows to shut Riggan’s play down before even seeing it, simply because she does not believe someone who stooped low enough to play a cartoon superhero is deserving of praise for attempting real art.
In other words, if the entertainment world is at war, then it’s a battle between the big blockbuster fluff eaters and the holier than thou tweed jacket wearers. Both think they’re the smartest people in the room. Neither is willing to meet the other half way.
Emma Stone, who plays Riggan’s daughter, Sam, earns her Oscar nomination with this speech:
TEXT OF SAM/EMMA STONE’S “RELEVANT SPEECH” FROM BIRDMAN
RIGGAN: It’s important to me! Alright? Maybe not to you, or your cynical friends whose only ambition is to go viral. But to me . . . To me . . this is — God. This is my career, this is my chance to do some work that actually means something.
SAM: Means something to who? You had a career before the third comic book movie, before people began to forget who was inside the bird costume. You’re doing a play based on a book that was written 60 years ago, for a thousand rich old white people whose only real concern is gonna be where they go to have their cake and coffee when it’s over. And let’s face it, Dad, it’s not for the sake of art. It’s because you want to feel relevant again. Well, there’s a whole world out there where people fight to be relevant every day. And you act like it doesn’t even exist! Things are happening in a place that you willfully ignore, a place that has already forgotten you. I mean, who are you? You hate bloggers. You make fun of Twitter. You don’t even have a Facebook page. You’re the one who doesn’t exist. You’re doing this because you’re scared to death, like the rest of us, that you don’t matter. And you know what? You’re right. You don’t. It’s not important. You’re not important. Get used to it.
Still, Sam’s right. We’re all just shouting in the wind, trying to be relevant, trying to matter. And at the end of the day, after movie goers walk out of the theater, after play watchers go out for cake, after novel readers put a book down, and after my 3.5 regular readers go on to read another blog…how relevant are we? As it turns out…not very.
Fame is fleeting and celebrities just aren’t as happy as we think.
Throughout the film, Riggan is taunted by Birdman himself – a gravelly voice that sounds more like Christian Bale’s version of Batman than Keaton’s. Birdman is the voice of commercialism, urging Riggan to abandon his efforts at serious drama and sell-out – do a reality TV show, make a Birdman comeback movie. Forget the hoity toy stuff and just rake in the dough.
And honestly, whether Birdman is right or wrong is left up to the viewer’s interpretation.
Big surprise of the film – Zach Galifianakis can actually act. He plays Riggan’s agent and rather than be that same old obliviously rude cartoon character he plays in every movie, he actually comes across as a competent, reliable professional, someone you’d actually want to represent you if you were an actor.
At one point, Shakepeare’s “Life is a Tale Told by an Idiot” speech from MacBeth is prominently featured. If you want to know more about that, you can read expert commentary from world renowned literary expert Bookshelf Q. Battler.
It’s a film that starts a dialog about what we, the entertainment consuming public, want from Hollywood. Because, as it turns out, if enough of us want it, they’ll give it to us. If we show them that high-falutin, chin-stroking, navel gazing, thought provoking dramas will make money, then Tinseltown will send them our way. Yet, if we keep buying tickets for Birdman-esque blockbusters, then we’ll get more comic book movies. It really is up to us.
And it’s also up to us to determine whether or not we should feel guilty about choosing comic book-esque movies over drama. Personally, I don’t. I’m a nerd. I love comic book movies. I love hoity toity stuff too. There’s room in the world for both. One need not cancel the other out.
And sure, the public often complains that Hollywood isn’t trying that hard, but then we pay more attention to viral videos, tweets, and gossipy nonsense than serious efforts at art. At one point in the film, Riggan’s stroll through Times Square in his underpants gets more attention through social media than his play ever does.
We all want to be relevant. We’re all clawing over each other to grab our piece of the public’s limited attention span. We’re all idiots. Can’t we all just calm down, take a deep breathe, stop crawling over each other for a few fleeting minutes of fame, and take a moment to enjoy friends, family, and the things that actually matter? At the end of the film, Riggan frets more about not spending enough time with his daughter than he does about his fizzling acting career.
Heck, had I not promised my 3.5 regular readers a year’s worth of posts, I might seriously consider packing it in myself.
Because if a guy who was paid buckets of money to dress up like a cartoon bird hero can’t be happy, then what luck do any of us have?
I predict this film will win best picture. Keaton’s had a long career and has yet to be graced with an academy award, so he’s overdue. Ironically, it’s a movie about a man trying to get past commercialism and make some serious art made by a man who’s trying to get past commercialism and make some serious art.
The Academy will no doubt love its message – “Hey, we actors aren’t as happy as you’d think, we really struggle to make you all happy!”
And finally, I’d just like to say, I think Michael Keaton is awesome. He made me laugh in movies like The Dream Team and Beetlejuice. And I remember seeing him in the first Batman and I thought, “Wow, Hollywood picked a guy that isn’t all buff and muscle-bound to play a super hero and he did an awesome job. Maybe there’s hope for us nerds.” So I hope tomorrow night is his night to walk home with a little gold man. (I mean an Oscar, not an actual little gold man).
Did you see it? What did you think? Flap your bird wings to the comment section and let me know.
I’ve decided that Fred the Pet Store owner needs a love interest. That way my upcoming film will appeal to both men and women. Men will enjoy the action, while women will be enthralled by the romantic tale of a pet shop owner winning the heart of his lady love.
Bold move I know, to deviate from the source material, but I’m writing in a girlfriend for Fred.
JULIA ROBERTS
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, in a pet shop full of monstrous, evil killer fish, asking him to love her.
Hmmm. Can you read this with a Southern accent? And also, not be old?
MILEY CYRUS
Dang y’all, there’s all like dang crazy fish runnin’ round…I better stick my tongue out at ’em!
NEXT!
DREW BARRYMORE
I’m just like…you know…thinking…that Fred, you spend so much time running this pet store? That like…you totally forget to run the pet store inside your mind…
NEXT!
MEGAN FOX
Hi. I’m all hot and stuff. I’m going to stand next to these killer mutant fish and look totally hot.
And we’re back, still discussing that first novel I penciled when I was around ten year olds. Attack of the Killer MutantFish was an epic sci-fi action fest.
Yesterday, I did a casting call for Fred the Pet Store Owner, who fights the mutant fish. Today, I’m doing a casting call for the Mad Scientist who randomly walks into Fred’s pet shop with no explanation whatsoever and dumps toxic sludge into the tanks, thus creating enormous, super-sized killer mutant fish.
Stop laughing! You know this crap is better than half of what’s on TV today.
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
Huh-lo! I’m a…mad sci-en-tist! I must turn these fish…into mu-tants, thus finally obtaining my rah-venge…against the cruel world that failed to heed my sci-en-tif-ic warnings. If pee-puhl con-tin-yoo…to destroy the en-vi-ro-ment…then the world will be engulfed…by mu-tant fish…just like these!
Hmmm. A valiant effort, but not what we’re looking for.
KEVIN SPACEY
There’s a saying in my home world of Mad Science Land. If you fail to listen to brilliant mad scientists, then don’t be surprised when the Earth is overrun by a race of super powerful fish. :::knocks the table twice:::
Next!
JACK NICHOLSON
You want the truth about fish?! YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH ABOUT FISH! Son, we live in a world with tanks. Who’s going to protect them? You? You pet store owner Fred Wineburg? You mock me at parties but deep down you want me on those tanks, you need me on those tanks…
I dunno. I’m not feeling it. Next!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Yeah I made those f*$king killer mutant fish and I hope they burn in hell!
Hmmm. I’m intrigued. Can you keep going, Sam?
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
The path of the righteous fish is beset on all sides by the inequities of the sel-fish and the tyranny of evil fish…
As discussed yesterday, when I was approximately ten years old, give or take a year, I penciled in a notebook my first novel, Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish.
Now that I’m a big time blogging mogul with 3.5 regular readers, including my Aunt Gertrude, I have the resources to turn this novel into a major movie production.
Recently, I held a casting call. The following actors read for the part of Fred the Pet Store Owner, who, as discussed yesterday, shoots all of the fish. Why a pet store owner had a gun, I don’t know. But it wasn’t because when I was ten I was a lazy writer. I purposely left it up to the reader’s interpretation.
AL PACINO
Hoowah! You little fishy finned cock-a-roaches think you can come into my establishment and eat my customers? If I was half-the man I was twenty years ago, I’d take a flamethrower to this place! Say hello to my little friend!
Al, my people will call your people. Next:
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Alright, alright, alright. Hello there kemosabes. Listen, y’all need to just take a deep breathe and chill out. Take off your pants and bang on some bongo drums. All this? Right here? This life? All of this interaction? This is all just a trick. We’re all just sentient meat, fooling ourselves into thinking that our base thoughts and emotions actually matter, when in the grand scheme of things, they really don’t.
Don’t call us, Matthew. We’ll call you. Next:
DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON
CAN YOU SMELL WHAT FISH THE ROCK IS COOKIN’?!!
God Sakes Alive, you have to be old as shit to get that joke. Next!
ROBERT DENIRO
You bloopin’ to me? You make those little puckery bloop bloop fish faces and bloop at me? Well, I don’t see anyone else around here, so you must be talkin to me!
I don’t know. A solid performance, but I just picture Fred being younger. Next!
CLINT EASTWOOD
Go ahead. Make my filet.
(Cymbal tap – ba dum bum ching!) Sorry, I said younger!
JESSE EISENBURG
Um…yeah…um you…you…you know I didn’t ask for any of this. I’m just a guy running a pet store. I keep the pets fed and if someone wants a pet I sell them a pet. But…but….but…this? I’m not prepared for this. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this…this, what is this? Fish, these Killer Mutant Fish and all they do is run around, trying to eat all the customers? And how are they walking on land if they need to be in water?
You had it until you started asking questions.
This might be a tough one. I’ll have to think about who would make for a good Fred. If you have any ideas, please post them in the comments. Tomorrow, we’ll be casting for the part of the Mad Scientist.
“I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.”
– Nicolas Sparks, The Notebook
I already commented on poor Nicolas Sparks’ divorce so I won’t go into it again. For those 3.5 regular readers who are paying attention – no, I never was able to confirm whether or not Michael Crichton actually made a real, live dinosaur. I’m pretty sure he didn’t, but I just don’t have any hard evidence one way or the other. I didn’t see him make a dinosaur. But I didn’t NOT see him make a dinosaur either.
But anyway – going along with the theme from yesterday (the quote from Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables) – here is another man opining that love is the best experience of life.
Is it?
I will say this – the year was 2004 and the Bookshelf Battler was in a movie theater packed to the gills with women pulling out tissues and sniffing up a storm. No joke. No exaggeration. Sparks’ sappiness made a theater full of women ball their eyes out, and I suppose that’s why he makes the big bucks. That’s real talent.
Bookshelf Battle 