Tag Archives: news

BQB Plays Powerball

Dearest 3.5 Readers,

I’ve caved to the excitement and purchased some Powerball tickets.

And you know what? I’m actually feeling pretty good about my chances.

Why?

BQB’s KARMA BALANCING THEORY

Your life is and/or will be 50% bullshit and 50% great.  Most people experience the bullshit and greatness and separate, equal doses so as to not get too bogged down with depression or glee, depending on whether the shit or the greatness came most recently.

My life, on the other hand, has been totally shit so far so really, the only way I can see for karma to balance my existence out with the greatness I’m due is to hand me a billion dollar plus lotto win.

BUT BQB, WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH YOUR STICKY CASH?

A great question, 3.5 readers.  Here’s a breakdown:

THE PLAYBOY MANSION – It’s for sale and I’m going to make it my new BQB HQ.  Now, Hef requires the new owner give him a life estate, meaning that Hef gets to live there until he croaks.

Listen, I would actually DEMAND that Hef keep living there. He’s the one the Playboy bunnies are showing up for, right?

Wait.  This just in. Video Game Rack Fighter will not allow me to have wild, outrageous naked celebrity hot chick parties in the Playboy Mansion Grotto.

You know VGRF…seriously…what a party pooper.  Oh well, gotta keep my better half happy.  I’ll still buy it but apparently all the bunnies will be required to wear turtlenecks and burkas.

PRESIDENT BATTLER – Yes, I will run for president because I too wish to be a wealthy person so rich that I feel no inhibitions and am able to shoot my mouth off and speak freely.  Only, I’ll try to do it a lot nicer.

Also, I will make it a law that whatever movies, songs, digital stuff you buy on one device made by one company be transferable to another company’s device. This is America, dammit, and when I was a kid I never had to ask Sony’s permission to put a Sony videotape into a Daewoo VCR.

PURCHASE EAST RANDOMTOWN – Yep.  And I’ll kick all the losers out, so it will end up empty.  What?  I’m still the mayor and all those people are constituents and I should be careful what I say because I haven’t won yet?

I was talking about other losers.  Not you, East Randomtownsfolk.  You losers are great.

WU TANG CLAN – I will purchase that super expensive one of a kind Wu Tang Clan album, you know, the one in which the Wu Tang Clan has secured a legal right to steal it back through a carefully planned heist as long as they bring Bill Murray along.

I’m not even kidding check out this Billboard article.

REALITY TV – I will pay off reality tv stars to stay home…or at least not go to work…or at least just go shopping and do dumb stuff.  OK, so they can do all the useless crap they do but I’ll pay them to do it OFF camera because the Mighty Potentate hates reality TV.

What will you do if you win Powerball, 3.5 readers?

 

 

 

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Let’s Talk Making a Murderer

Thanks Netflix.  Thanks a lot.

Got no work done this weekend, ended up binging on Making a Murderer instead.

SPOILERS!  SPOILERS!  SPOILERS!

Don’t read on if you haven’t watched it yet.  This post is meant to be a discussion for people who want to talk about the series…WHO HAVE ALREADY WATCHED IT!!!

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: I have no idea if any of the crap I am about to say is accurate.  I am just opining on the show.

So here we go.  BQB’s thoughts:

 The First Case – Penny Beernsten

So it’s clear Steven Avery is innocent here.  Testing that occurred years after his conviction due to advances in DNA testing methods indicated that the culprit was in fact Gregory Allen, a guy in the area who physically looked like Avery (same hair color, body type).

Allen, according to the documentary, had been known to local law enforcement, so much so that they kept him under surveillance.

Did the police act with malice?  (i.e. did they intentionally try to put Avery behind bars because they didn’t like him?)

There was the argument that one of the deputies was friends with a woman that Avery had run off the road and so on.

Personally, I think the issue might have been more about negligence – i.e. they found a suspect, they made it stick, and it was just too much of a pain in the ass hassle to go after someone else.

Is negligence better?  Well, it’s not great, and it thoroughly sucks that someone was wrongfully convicted.

At any rate, its impossible to deny the wrongful conviction.  The court set the conviction aside, Avery was released, even the victim acknowledged the mistake.

The Second Case – Teresa Halbach

A tougher case.

First, as the documentary starts to get into it, your gut begins to tell you maybe something’s up.  What are the odds of a guy wrongfully convicted of a crime being accused of another major crime?

  • Avery had become a public hero and a symbol for a justice reform.
  • The state legislature had been in the process of working on a bill that would compensate him $450,000.
  • A civil case was underway that’d likely have gotten him millions.

BUT…as much as the wrongful conviction sucks…people who have had sucky things happen to them don’t get a free pass or an excuse to commit a terrible crime.

In other words, your gut, or at least mine, began to tell me to keep an open mind on both sides:

  • Yes, it is odd a wrongfully convicted person got convicted again but…
  • It isn’t impossible for someone to be not guilty of a first crime and then be guilty of a second crime.

The Frame Defense

Hmmm.  This was a tough one.

This is where some may disagree with me but…

I don’t believe the officers framed Steven Avery.

Why?

  •  You see a hole in Avery’s blood vial from his first case.  You, like Buting, start to think, “Oh well, maybe that could have been used to put Avery’s blood in Teresa’s RAV4.”
  • OK…BUT – what about the fire pit with all the bone fragments?  And the barrels with all the bone fragments?

Someone tell me if I’m wrong but for the police to have framed Avery, they would have had to…

  • Dig into Avery’s life until they discovered that a photographer for Auto Trader was coming to the Avery property on a regular basis to take car photos.
  • Kill her.
  • Plant Avery’s blood in the car
  • Dump her car on the Avery property without the Averys noticing.
  • Burn her body somewhere else but then scatter bone fragments in a pit and in barrels on the Avery property, AGAIN without the Averys noticing.
  • Plant Avery’s DNA on the car key and plant it in Avery’s room.

BUT – Could someone else have killed Teresa and the police just took advantage to railroad a guy they didn’t like?

In my opinion, where the “Frame Defense” gets weak is the bone fragments.

Did the police have access to Avery’s blood? Yes. However, the FBI did run a test that showed some of the blood in the car did not have the testing chemical that would have been in the stored blood sample.

But ok.  Say you still think they planted the blood in the car.

How did the bone fragments get onto the property then???

I think if you accuse the cops of planting the blood, then you practically have to accuse them of planting the bone fragments too because if Avery didn’t do it then how else would the bone fragments have gotten there?

You could argue well some mysterious other murderer did it, then dumped the car and the fragments on the Avery property and then the cops were like “Yahoo!  We hate Avery so lets plant some shit to make this stick” but between accusations of cops planting a RAV4, putting blood in the RAV4 and then ANOTHER party dumping bones and making it look like a burning took place in the back yard…

…well, with all that happening I have to feel like the Averys might have noticed.

Was there a civil case?  Yes?   Were two cops deposed?  Yes?  Does that mean they’d go to the lengths of framing a guy?  I find that doubtful.  Cops, public officials, office holders, etc are sued all the time.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t envision cops being worried about a lawsuit enough that they’d frame a guy, plant evidence and somehow manage to either sprinkle the victims bones on the Avery property or benefit from some mysterious evildoer who did so.

So what the hell happened?

What made us all agree Avery was off the hook in the first case was the identification of another perpetrator.

Here, no other alternate suspect was found.

Brendan Dassey

Well, here’s where the case gets really complicated.  There’s another suspect and I suppose that means there’s room for theories that a) Avery did it and the nephew’s just a sap that got roped into it b) They did it together as the state alleged or c) maybe the nephew did it and Steven didn’t and well…while never Steven or Brendan came across as rocket scientists, I’m not sure Brendan could have pulled this all off on his lonesome.

The confessions are troubling.  Perhaps there should be a rule that kinds under 18 should always have a lawyer present during police questioning no matter what.

As a cautionary tale, if you’re a parent and your kid gets charged with something, insist you be there for any interviews and insist a lawyer is there too.

As for – is Brendan innocent?  I mean, he made statements he did it, and that he didn’t do it. He was clearly, for lack of a better description, not the brightest bulb, so yeah, he was probably manipulated into confessing and certainly the part where his own lawyer’s investigator is badgering him into confessing is troubling.

From the documentary itself, just as a pure question of whether or not he did it, I can’t tell.  What makes it hard for me is at one point he tells his mom something like he had to because Steven was stronger than him and then at another point he tells his mom basically that he just said what the cops wanted him to say.

In other words, in a very cloudy mind, his statements to his mother seem to provide the most insight into his head, and he made conflicting statements to his mother.

So who did it?

I think the bones on the property is the piece of info I can’t get away from.    The RAV4 on the property, the key in the room, the bullet in the garage, explain them all away but I just fail to see how the bones could have gotten there otherwise.

Does the documentary reveal a lot of things that law enforcement can do better? Yes.

But…absent evidence that someone carted a bunch of bones and spread them around Avery’s backyard, my gut tells me he did it.

Anyway, keep in mind I’m no expert and I’m just shooting my mouth off on a series.  Don’t take anything I wrote above to be accurate or correct.  Watch it yourself.

What are your thoughts?

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Hillary Clinton Says Earth May Have Already Been Visited By Aliens

No surprise to me, since I’ve been buddies with Alien Jones for about a year now.

Meanwhile, the Mighty Potentate is constantly backseat driving me. Don’t tell him I said that. I don’t want to be vaporized.

Anyway – I’m pretty sure Hillary was just joking but what say you, 3.5 readers? Do you think aliens exist?

An article in The Hill for more info.

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BQB’s Serial Club – Serial Season 2, Episode 1 – DUSTWUN

Hello 3.5 readers.

Have you ever listened to the podcast, “Serial?”  In the first season, the hose, Sarah Koenig, presented the case of Adnan Syed and illustrated that how it is possible for all the evidence to be laid out in a case and for people to still be unsure of whether or not a defendant is innocent or guilty.

Koenig has a knack for storytelling style journalism and keeps things lively and moving.

Produced by the creators of This American Life, Serial is back for a second season.  This time the individual under scrutiny is Sgt. Bo Bergdahl.

You might remember he was a major news story last year.  In 2009, he walked away from his post in Afghanistan and six soldiers died while looking for him.

Last year, he was returned to the US after a prisoner swap with the Taliban that led to four major terrorists in captivity going free.

This is a tough one.  My blog is not political…at all.  But I do enjoy good story telling and Sarah Koenig is a master at it.  She definitely knows how to end every episode on a cliffhanger that keeps her audience coming back for more.

So here’s what I propose. If you’re listening to Serial, stop by here once a week and let’s chat about the latest episode, hash out the info and the evidence and try to figure out what’s going on.

Not gonna lie – I might pull the plug on this.  My hope is you all won’t get too political.  Were the wars in the Middle East right or wrong?  I hate this politician or I like that politician or whatever…not really up for debate here.

The crux of this season seems to be around Bergdahl telling his story and admittedly, as of the end of the first episode, it sounds pretty lame.

Briefly summarized – he claims he ran away because he had to create a “DUSTWUN” or a missing soldier situation in which the top brass pays attention.  He claims he had to do this because his unit was poorly managed and hoped this would get him an audience with someone with a high rank that could do something about his complaints about his unit.

I have to admit, that sounds like a pretty fishy story. “I was 23 and I was scared and so I made a dumb mistake and ran away.  I’m very sorry for the six people who died looking for me.”

To me, that would be more sympathetic than, “I was afraid my poorly managed unit was going to lead to people getting killed….so I ran away….um, and got six people killed.”

Anyway, let’s be civil (NOT POLITICAL) and look at it from an academic approach.  If you listened to this first episode, do you believe Bergdahl or do you think he’s full of a smelly substance?

I’ll say up front I believe he’s in the latter column.  My fear is that this guy is basically trying to save himself by impugning the character of a unit that tried to save him when he went AWOL (six of whom died in the process.)

And I get it.  I’ve never served in the military. Who am I to criticize anyone? But, like I said, I’d be sympathetic to “I was young and scared and made a mistake” but hearing him talk as though he is “Jason Bourne” strains credibility.

Cliffhanger for next week – um, it sounds like Sarah is going to call the Taliban on the phone to interview them.  Who knew they were even listed in the phonebook?

Check out Serial Podcast for more.

NOTE: To reiterate, please refrain from the nastiness of politics.  I’m not looking for comments to the effect of “I HATE REPUBLICANS!” or “I HATE DEMOCRATS!” and so on.

The podcast is interesting to me because, as she did in the first season with Syed, Sarah presents two sides of a case and leaves it up to the listener to make his/her own conclusions.

So in other words, we’re not talking about the politics of war – instead, we’re presented with a case.  A soldier walked away from his unit, got 6 people killed during a search for him, his release led to four dangerous people being freed.

Is Bergdahl guilty?  Yes or no and what about the evidence/interviews presented in the podcast make you think that way?

 

 

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RIP Scott Weiland

Sad news, 3.5 readers.

Scott Weiland, legendary grunge music icon of the 1990’s and Stone Temple Pilots frontman has died at 48, passing away in his sleep according to news reports.

Bookshelf Q. Battler was saddened by the news.  Mr. Battler spent most of the 90’s dressed head to toe in flannel like he was a Canadian lumberjack or something (as was the style at the time) and listened to STP’s catalog extensively, Big Bang Baby being his favorite of all the STP releases.

You will be missed, Mr. Weiland.  You will be missed.

What was your favorite STP song, 3.5 readers?

(PS – 3.5 millennial readers, there was a decade called the 1990’s.  Bill Clinton was president, the WB was churning out some fabulous shows (i.e. Buffy and the most popular music at the time involved men in flannel singing about how depressed they were, which may or may not explain a lot about the world as we know it today, come to think of it, but that’s a debate for another time.)

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The Writer’s Battle – Are Readers In Control?

Happy Sunday, 3.5 readers.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

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I just read this CNN article in which George Lucas says he’s “done with Star Wars.”

“You go to make a movie and all you do is get criticized,” Lucas told Vanity Fair. “People try to make decisions about what you’re going to do before you do it. It’s not much fun. You can’t experiment. You have to do it a certain way.” – CNN

ON THE ONE HAND – I see his point.  The great part of the Internet is that nerdy fans can comment and discuss their favorite movies, TV shows, books etc.

The downside is that its a great environment to make a lot of back seat drivers.  “No!  Those two characters can’t fall in love and WHAT?!  You’re going to kill off so and so and WHAT that guy changed his mind and he’s no longer a bad guy now?!”

Hollywood listens to all this mumbo jumbo.  Sometimes that turns out well when the fans know what they are talking about.  Other times it falls flat when a director or actor or someone puts the kibosh on an idea that’s a little out there, beyond the norm, that would have paid off big time but they didn’t want to draw the fans’ ire.

Probably the most recent example I can think of is the latest Avengers movie in which Black Widow kicked ass all throughout the film and fans were like “Joss Whedon’s anti-woman!  He didn’t give her enough to do!”  Boo.  Bad nerds.

ON THE OTHER HAND – The CNN article linked to above went on to say:

“The issue was ultimately, they looked at the stories, and they said, ‘We want to make something for the fans,’ ” Lucas said, presumably referring to Disney, which purchased Lucasfilm — including the “Star Wars” franchise — in 2012. “People don’t actually realize it’s actually a soap opera, and it’s all about family problems; it’s not about spaceships. So they decided they didn’t want to use those stories. They decided they were going to do their own thing, so I decided, ‘fine. … I’ll go my way, and I let them go their way.’ ” – CNN

Pbbbhhht.  Well, true – Star Wars does have a lot to do with that damn dysfunctional Skywalker family…BUT, did we really need that Sound of Music-ish scene in Attack of the Clones where Anakin and Queen Amidala prance around in love in the field?  No.  More lightsabers and space ships please.

Revenge of the Sith was pretty solid, and when I was younger, I enjoyed The Phantom Menace and Clones mostly because I was just happy to see Jedis back on the screen.

But let’s be honest, those films were more about loading up on as many quirky, merchandisable characters as possible just to sell kids toys.

There’s nothing wrong with that.  Bills need to be paid and that’s what these new films will do as well BUT I have a hunch that it will be done in a way that fans will be like “that was badass!” and “wow what a badass toy!”

The nerdy adults will be anyway.  If your kids are yelling “badass!” they probably need a time out.

I get Lucas’ frustration though.  It must suck to create this wonderful universe, bring it to the big screen, become the modern day father of science fiction and then be told by your fans that you, the creator of your own universe, are doing a bad job of running your universe.

That’s probably how Darth Vader felt when those pesky rebels started calling for rebellion.

SIDENOTE:  One other example of fans taking over that I’ve seen lately comes from The Walking Dead.

SPOILER ALERT – REPEAT: SPOILER ALERT 

Did you notice there’s a spoiler alert in effect?  OK don’t say you weren’t warned.

Glenn may or may not be dead.  The writers of the show have made it look like he totally is, but also left it open to a possible interpretation that he might not be.

Fans have been up in arms on social media, complaining that they have to wait to find out, how dare the writers toy with their emotions like this and so on.

I’m going to channel my inner Uncle Hardass and say, “get a job, hippies!”  Hell, I love that show as much as the next guy.  I’ve invested a lot of time into it.  But when it appeared that Glenn died my reaction was “Awww, that’s too bad…*pause for 5 seconds* OK I better brush my teeth and get ready for bed.”

Seriously, who has time to worry about the fate of a fictional character?  JOBLESS HIPPIES WHO NEED A JOB AT THE SALT MINES, THAT’S WHO!!!

Wow.  I’m becoming an Uncle H. clone

What say you, 3.5 readers?  Who calls the shots, readers or writers?

Personally, it’d be a great problem to have.  I only have 3.5 readers and none of them have started calling the shots yet.

I suppose when I reach the point where people are like “We want more Yeti!” or “Alien Jones is like a hairless ALF, you hack!” then I’ll know I’ve made it.

Get bossier, 3.5 readers.  Actually, please don’t.

 

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La Marseillaise – The French National Anthem Scene From Casablanca

Bonjour 3.5 lecteurs,

BQB here.

There have been reports that when the Stade de France was evacuated, attendees sang La Marseillaise, the French National Anthem.

If you haven’t heard this part of the news coverage, one of the terrorists attempted to enter the stadium wearing a bomb vest.  He was stopped and questioned before entering and detonated himself right there.  Three people died and its terrible that they did.  It surely would have been even worse had he been able to detonate inside the stadium.

So the evacuees sang their national anthem as they exited the scene.  That protest in the face of tyranny reminded me of another time when French people sang their national anthem in defiance of evil. Although the one I’m thinking of was fictional, it’s still moving.

Casablanca, a 1942 film that brought light to the plight of European refugees fleeing their homeland via Morocco during World War II is one of the best films ever made, filled with quotable lines that still hold up today.  If you’ve ever heard someone say, “round up the usual suspects” that’s where it came from.

OK.  I’ll cry SPOILER ALERT even though its a 75 year old movie.  Whatever.  It’s about a love triangle between Humphrey Bogart’s Rick Blaine, a night club owner who’s fled America to escape his troublesome past, Ingrid Bergman as Ilsa Lund, the hot babe he falls in love with in France and Paul Henried as Victor Laszlo, an anti-Nazi writer and activist.  Ilsa fell for Rick assuming she’d never see Victor again but voila, he returns and it’s heartbreak city all around.

But I’m not talking about that part.  I’m talking about the part where the evil Major Strasser sings a Nazi tune with his jack booted brethren, only to be drowned out by Victor and other French folk in attendance.

La Marseillaise.  It worked against Nazis.  It works against terrorists.

Casablanca – 1942

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Paris

Take a knee, 3.5 readers.

I’m not old.  Depending on your age, you might consider me old or young.

I am old enough to remember the 9/11 attacks, and also, that there was a pre-9/11 world and a post-9/11 world, and I don’t think any of us understood how naive, maybe even innocent we were in those pre-9/11 days until after the World Trade Center came down.

Much has happened since then.  America responded.  Republicans and Democrats have been at each others’ throats as to what’s the best response, leaving the country more divided than ever, to the point where everyone involved in politics hates each other so much that it makes me wonder if the terrorists didn’t in fact win that day.

I don’t get political on this blog.  Prior to 9/11, I was vocal about my political opinions, but that was back in the day when people were able to talk, listen, agree to disagree, and then have a beer together after.

Now each side is so hell bent on convincing the world that the other side is a bunch of fire breathing kitten kickers that I’ll have no part of it.

What I will say this.  The Western World, with all of its democracy, freedom, capitalism, and opportunity, is not a bad place.  If it was, people wouldn’t be flocking in droves to come here.

It should be protected.  More importantly, it deserves to be protected.  The fate of humanity rests on it being protected.

How exactly to do that…I hope the powers that be can come together and find a way.

I’d offer my thoughts, but I’d rather be universally loved then partially hated, and if there’s one thing for sure these days, offering your opinion on anything political is a surefire way to get 50% of the population to hate your guts.

So I’ll just stick with my humble blog and my fun stories and more importantly, with my beloved 3.5 readers, who approve of me at a whopping 100%.

Wait.  This just in.  The .5th reader thinks I stink.  Fine.  95% of my readers love me.  Did I even do the math right on that?  Someone get a pen and paper and figure it out.

I am thinking of you, Paris.  It’s a lame thing to say.  Really, how does me thinking of Paris help them but alas, it’s all I can do.

Politicians of the world, good luck, and make an effort to come together as the free world needs you to do so now more than ever.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be here at BQB HQ with my head buried in the sand, writing my goofy stories that only 3.5 people read.

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BREAKING NEWS: Bookshelf Q. Battler Survives the Zombie Apocalypse!

By: Kurt Manley, Network News One Anchorshutterstock_193904291 copy

Our top story tonight, Bookshelf Q. Battler, in the surprise of the century, has not only survived the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, but also uncovered an underhanded plot by the vile and corrupt General Morganstern.

“I couldn’t have done it without the 31 zombie authors,”  Mr. Battler said.  “Each one is at the top of the zombie fiction game and the advice they provided to me was crucial.  From Sarah Lyons Fleming spelling it out to me how to pack a bug out bag to J.M. Wilde enduring my inquiries about which way the water swirls down the toilet in Australia, these fine scribes were there for me when I needed them and I urge all of my 3.5 readers to purchase their books early and often.”

Best Reporter Ever

Best Reporter Ever

Further, Mr. Battler also credited Network News One’s own Hot Ass Blond Chick for his survival.  With complete disregard for her own personal safety, the Hot Ass Blond Chick flew into a zombie war zone in order to report on an impromptu Funky Hunks concert, thus proving that BQB was alive and that Gen. Morganstern was just a smelly liar trying to use the zombie apocalypse as a cover to blow BQB’s shit up.

“A pulitzer is definitely coming the Hot Ass Blonde Chick’s way,” said Sir Isaac Pulitzer, Chairman of the Pulitzer Prize Committee.

The zombies are gone and the remaining citizens of East Randomtown face the long, arduous task of cleaning up their town.

But what of the aftermath?  Will Dr. Hugo Von Science, the culprit behind the zombie apocalypse, be brought to justice?  What of Gen. Morganstern?  Just what exactly occurred during Operation Fuhrerpunschen, the so-called mission that allegedly led to Adolf Hitler being punched in the face by an American operative?  Why did Morganstern want so desperately to cover that mission up?

And most importantly:

Bookshelf Q. Battler has made a lot of crazy claims on his blog – namely, that he has an alien friend, that a 1950’s private detective is in his employ, and even that he is the owner of a magic bookshelf.  All of these assertions have seemed like the mindless rantings of an eccentric dingus, but with the media frenzy over the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse shining some light on the Bookshelf Battle Blog…should the government make an inquiry into whether or not these oddball claims are, in fact, real?

That’s it for this hour.  Coming up in the next news block, are spiders crawling up your nose while you’re asleep and laying eggs in your brain?  Better stay up until our Hot Ass Blonde Chick provides you with the answer after sports and weather.

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#31ZombieAuthors – Day 25 Interview – Zombie Warfare

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FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon       Facebook     Website

Today’s guest is Luke Duffy, author of The Dead Walk the Earth and When There’s No More Room in Hell series of books, which detail the journeys of soldiers as they fight undead hordes.

Have you ever read a zombie book written by a guy who’s skilled at jumping out of perfectly good airplanes? Having grown up in Northern England, Luke joined the Parachute Regiment at the age of eighteen. Further, he has worked in Iraq on the Private Security Circuit.

His first book, Running the Gauntlet: The Private War in Iraq, detailing his memoirs from his time on the circuit, was published in 2011.

Following that non-fiction work, he turned his attention to zombie lore.

Luke, thanks for taking a minute to talk with me today, and thank you for your service.

NOTE: BOLD=BQB; ITALICS=LUKE

Q.  I’m just going to say it. Look at you. Soldier. Private security. 51qtY0bYz1L._SX311_BO1,204,203,200_You’re a badass. As a layman, I’d think that having such vast military experience would inform one’s writing. Do you find that’s the case? Do you draw on your experience when writing your books?

A.  Absolutely. I read a few apocalyptic books before I decided to write my own. Some were great, others were awful. But one thing I found that the majority of them had in common was that most authors lacked any real experience in military matters. Don’t get me wrong, there were some great efforts out there, well researched and thought out, but there was always something missing. The mark was never quite hit. Only someone who has experienced being shot at, blown up, or felt those familiar sensations of dread and retrospect when preparing for a fight, can write a realistic battle scene. I’ve always tried to make the action as close to real as possible, and my own experiences have helped, a lot. I like to draw the reader into the pages, making them imagine what it is like to come under fire and wonder whether they would make it out. As a reader, it’s important to feel part of the story.

Also, most of my characters are actually based on real people that I have known over the years.

Q. You started out with non-fiction and then moved on to fiction. What drew you into the world of zombies?

A. In a few short words; Dawn of the Dead. I’m talking about the original. I watched it when I was about six or seven, and from there, I was hooked. It wasn’t so much the action and the zombies themselves, but more to do with the collapse of society and the slow death of humanity. Even as a kid the words ‘what if?’ rattled around inside my head. The end of civilisation has always fascinated me, regardless of the cause. But what could be more exciting, terrifying, and total, as the dead returning to life and hunting the living?

I like to imagine how different people, from various rungs of the social ladder, would react to a global crisis such as a zombie plague. I think true, true colours would quickly come to light, and I think the whole ‘good and bad’ thing would be turned on its head in many cases. I couldn’t imagine Bob Geldof and Bono still wanting to save the world, hugging plague victims and shaking hands with zombies. I think they would barricade themselves into their mansions and drop from the radar.

Q. Here’s a question I’ve thrown at a lot of writers this month. How do you find the time to write? I ask because I’m rather unfocused and if a good show comes on TV, there goes my writing for the day. So obviously, I respect a guy who has served in the military and in private security and yet still finds the time to write. Do you have any advice for aspiring scribes on how to balance work and writing?

A. My best piece of advice would be to create a routine. Finding the time and motivation to start writing, even if I’m half way through a book and on a roll, can be extremely hard. Sometimes I need to give myself a serious kick up the arse to get myself down behind my computer. Like you said, distractions can have a severe effect on you. So, what I do is ensure that I get myself into a routine. If I’m working away, most of my writing is done in the evening, which can be a real pain because my energy and enthusiasm is sapped by then.

When I’m home in the UK, it’s a little easier. I get up, have a coffee and a smoke, check the news, as well as the usual morning stuff that a man does. Then, come ten o’clock, I get to work and do at least four hours writing each day. After that, the world is my lobster and I don’t feel guilty, having the fact hanging over my head that I jacked on my work for the day because Susanna Reid was looking particularly hot on morning television and I became side-tracked.

Q. The description of The Dead Walk the Earth states, “Eight soldiers, accustomed to operating below the radar, carrying out the dirty work of a modern democracy, become trapped within the carnage of a new and terrifying world. Deniable and completely expendable. That is how their government considers them, and as the dead begin to walk, Stan and his men must fight to survive.”

“Deniable and expendable.” OK. So obviously, I enjoy being alive, so I’m not asking you to get into “If I tell you I have to kill you” territory (sorry, bad joke there) but generally speaking, is being “deniable and expendable” a fate that soldiers often find themselves facing?

A. Depends on the type of soldier and the operations being conducted. There’s no such thing as a clean government, and they all need someone to get their hands extremely dirty on their behalf, from time to time. I’ll not go into too much detail, but deniable operatives do exist. No, not like xXx and Mission Impossible. They’re just beyond fantasy. Deniable operators could be the man next door, or the guy driving your taxi. Shaved heads, huge muscles, and wearing Oakley sun glasses in the dark… don’t help.

I suppose that all soldiers are expendable, to a degree. Or at least they are viewed that way by the people who send them to war. No politician, no matter how sincerely they claim to have, has ever lost sleep or shed a tear over the men and women of their country being brought home in bags. Tony Blair and George Bush; they saw their military as mere pawns to be moved about on their own paths towards personal glory and gain.

Don’t get me wrong, I was part of the invasion of Iraq. I was amongst the first troops into Kosovo during the liberation in 99. I battled in Sierra Leone during their civil war, and I patrolled the streets of Northern Ireland before the peace process. I enjoyed the lot, but I never lost sight of the fact that not a single member of the government cared how many of my friends lost their lives.

Since joining the private circuit in Iraq, I’ve seen the attrition rate first-hand, and watched as countless friends were killed. Yes, we were in it for the money, but we were also doing a job on behalf of the US and UK governments, helping to rebuild the Iraqi infrastructure. But before long, the media stopped reporting the deaths and the government leaders forgot about us. All the while, the deaths of British and American private military soared. Expendable.

Q. Hypothetically, would today’s modern military be able to take on a zombie outbreak? Not that I spend a lot of time worrying about such a scenario, but I’d be interested to hear your take on it.

A. It depends on society as a whole, I suppose. In my books, the concept of the dead returning to life (zombies) has never been imagined. There are no books, movies, computer games, or folk tales about such creatures. So, when the dead begin to rise, it’s complete confusion, terror, and chaos. No one knows how to deal with the problem. On the one hand, some see the threat for what it is, and insist that immediate action be taken. However, on the other hand, there are the ‘bleeding hearts’ and ‘do-gooders’, bleating that even the dead are people and have rights.

Governments hesitate, fearing backlash should they act with what can be viewed as brutality and inhumanity towards the infected (yes, I believe that even on the brink of an apocalypse, the politicians would still worry about their image and future votes).

People struggle to come to terms with the outbreak. Families cannot imagine that the monsters staggering towards them are no longer their dad, mum, sister, brother, uncle – twice removed… etc.
Then there are the legal complications to consider. Most people out there follow the rules. They avoid confrontation and shy away from violence. Inflicting pain and suffering is not a desire that most human beings carry. Many would hesitate, because we have all been brought up to understand that killing is wrong, both in a legal and moral sense. Suddenly being told that it is perfectly okay to smash your neighbor’s head in with a hammer, isn’t going to have any great and immediate effect. Most people would simply lock their doors and hide. Even I would hesitate, and I don’t like my neighbors.

Morality and human emotions play huge parts in the downfall, and only when it is too late, do people realize the extent of the catastrophe and put down their delusions of decency and respect, but by then, it’s too late.

However, in reality, I believe that the military would soon have the outbreak under control. No doubt, they would all be rounded up and sent to work in Starbucks, maybe even become Labour Party members.

Q. Any plans for further zombie books in the future? Or perhaps other monsters? I read a post on your blog that made me think you find technology as infuriating as I do. That me think – soldiers vs. killer robots has some potential.

A. I take it that you’ve never watched Terminator?

Seriously though, yes, I find technology infuriating. In my opinion, it causes more trouble than its worth, even though I have found myself reliant upon it.

I have one more book to write in the current series, and then I intend to get a couple of kids’ books written that I have in mind. Yes, it’s a dramatic shift from people being eaten alive and copious amounts of profanities and violence, but I’ve had these stories in my head for some time, so I will be hanging up my zombie hat for a while. I may return in the future, if the demand is high enough and I have some new ideas, but for now, I need to step away from the genre.

Q. Luke, thanks for stopping by. Before I go, do you have any last minute advice that might help me survive the East Randomtown Zombie apocalypse?

A. Get away from the cities. Find a place that is remote. The dead are stupid, and lazy. Can you imagine them walking up mountains or fording rivers? High-ground, preferably open with good all round visibility, would be your best bet. Dense forests are also good, but they can be a double edged sword; they can’t see you, but you can’t see them, either. I wouldn’t like to have to bug-out from a wooded area during the dark hours, surrounded by zombies

If you’re stuck in an urban area, stock up, stay out of sight, and keep quiet. Remember, a barricade can never be too big, no matter how valuable that antique chest of drawers is. Trust no one, and lock your heart away in a sealed box. There’s no room for easy emotion and sentimentality in the zombie apocalypse world. Finally, make a note of all the people close by who have pets, because when the time comes, cats and dogs make good eating.

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