Tag Archives: politics

Nov 07 2016
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East Randomtown News

OP-ED – I’m Still Convinced that Leo McKoy is a Robot and Also Lying About Delivering a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek

By: Bookshelf Q. Battler, Acting Mayor of East Randomtown and Mayoral Candidate

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3.5 readers, when the position for East Randomtown Mayor came up for election, I stood up, took a bold stand and said, “Ugh. Well, if there isn’t anyone who isn’t an asshole running then I guess I have to run even though it is a total inconvenience for me and is also as waste of time since everyone in this town is a big dumb dummy dumb face and no one will listen to me and everyone will just do whatever they want anyway.”

That’s the kind of decisive leadership this town needs and that’s the kind of leadership I can provide.

Sure, I  could brag all day about having a blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers, but I’d rather point out two things as this election season draws to a close.

First, whoever is running is not the real Leo McKoy. I saw Leo McKoy get eaten by zombies.  So whoever this is, it must be a robot designed to look like Leo McKoy designed for the sole purpose of some sinister genius to gain control of East Randomtown.

Why would an evil genius do that? I have no idea. East Randomtown really sucks and it isn’t like controlling this garbage dump of a town provides anyone with any strategic advantage, so your guess is as good as mine, but at any rate, there is, as my spirit guide Shakespeare would say, “something rotten in the state of Denmark.”

Second, we only have Leo McKoy’s word that he delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek.  Sure, if he did deliver that sandwich then that makes him one of, and perhaps the most important, famous, successful and influential people this town has ever produced, because as you know, the standard to be considered a great person in this town is very, very, extremely very low.

But we only have Leo’s word.  Do you think a highly successful James Van Der Beek would bother stepping foot in East Randomtown?

I don’t think so.

People, your only chance for this town to not get sucked into a giant pit of suck (as my motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio would say) is to vote for me, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Or don’t. Honestly, if I lose I’d get more free time that I could use to attract more readers to my blog.  Perhaps I could get as many as 17.9 people reading this thing and then I’d be in the big leagues.

So vote for me but if you don’t its cool because at least I can say I tried.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT IF YOU DON’T VOTE FOR BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER THEN YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF BIG DUMB DUMMY DUMB FACE AND THERE ISN’T MUCH MORE BQB CAN DO OR SAY IF YOU’RE ALL HELLBENT ON BEING THAT DUMB.

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Nov 05 2016
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East Randomtown News

East Randomtown Mayor’s Race – Vote for Bookshelf Q. Battler Because Leo McKoy is a Giant Schmuck Face and Also Probably a Robot Because BQB Saw Zombies Eat the Real Him

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The following is a political advertisement…

Leo McKoy.

He likes to go on and on about how he once delivered a sandwich to Dawson’s Creek actor James Van Der Beek.

But did he?

Did he really?

Did any of you see Leo deliver a sandwich to James VDB?

Seems like there would have been at least one witness to corroborate the delivery of the aforementioned sandwich, but Bookshelf Q. Battler’s campaign staffers have not been able to find one single witness willing to testify that the sandwich in question was delivered or that James Van Der Beek ever even stepped foot into East Randomtown.

Why would a top notch actor like James Van Der Beek with a hit show on the WB, which was as good as it got in the 1990s, be bothered to with a chump burg like East Randomtown?

Further…can anyone even confirm that sandwiches exist?

If Leo McKoy would lie about sandwiches and delivering them to James Van Der Beek, then what else would he lie about?

Would he, for example….LIE ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE’S A DAMN ROBOT?

That’s right, 3.5 readers. Leo McKoy has to be a damn robot, most like constructed by some evil organization, to conquer East Randomtown and take advantage of all East Randomtownians because they are so stupid.

Bookshelf Q. Battler saw Leo McKoy get eaten by a pack of wild zombies during the zombie apocalypse that struck the town last year.

The real Leo McKoy was turned into zombie poop long ago.

Don’t vote for a damn robot.

PAID FOR THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT LEO MCKOY IS A GIANT SCHMUCK FACE AND ALSO A DAMN ROBOT AND HE’S PROBABLY LYING ABOUT MEETING JAMES VAN DER BEEK AND/OR DELIVERING HIM A SANDWICH, IF SANDWICHES EVEN EXIST, BECAUSE WE’RE PRETTY SURE THEY DON’T.

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Nov 04 2016
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Things That Really Frost My Ass

Things that Really Frost My Ass – Uncle Hardass Continues to Run for President

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E Pluribus Hardass

Hello degenerate 3.5 readers.

We meet again and I see you’re all still working on those writing careers.

In fact my incompetent nephew Bookshelf Q. Battler just informed me that November is “National Novel Writing Month” or “NaNoWriMo.”

You know what I call it? “LosersFindAnotherWayToNotWorkMo.”

Get a job, 3.5 readers. You people are an embarrassment to all 7 of your parents.

Moving on, the big presidential election is Tuesday, November 8.

You all laughed at me when I announced my bid earlier this year.

But now after you got to know the two frontrunners, suddenly old Uncle Hardass doesn’t seem like such a bad option, does he?

Sure, I’m old and I’ve never worked anywhere but the Salt Mines (which you should apply to) but I’ve never grabbed anyone by the pussy, that’s for damn sure.

Not only is that rude but it is also highly unsanitary.  I’ll have you know my ex-wife, BQB’s Aunt Gertie, tried to get me touch her there all throughout our many years of marital bliss and my response was always, “No dice!  Do you have any idea how many germs are on that thing?!”

Also, I’ve never had an e-mail scandal because I don’t e-mail, or use phones.  Whenever I want someone to know something, I just should at them very loudly and wherever they are in the world, they hear it.  I call it Uncle Hardass mail.

I don’t write crazy tweets because I think anyone who uses social media is an asshole, and that goes double for my lazy nephew, who you should not follow on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

Seriously. Don’t follow him. You’ll just encourage him to keep this useless blog going and then he’ll never get a job at the salt mines.

Where was I?  Oh right. Comparing myself to the candidates. Also, I don’t engage in pay for play or take big donations in exchange for favors.

That’s not because I don’t want the money but because I don’t do shit for anyone.

That’s right.  Whatever you want done, you should do it yourself.  Sure, I could do all your shit for you but then what would you learn? What would you get for it?

When I was a kid if I wanted a road I had to build a road.

If I wanted to go to school I had to build the school then teach myself.

If someone needed to be arrested I just arrested them.

If another country declared war, I had to fight the war single handed. I personally fought and won 29 wars all by myself and I’m damn proud of it.

So no, I’m not going to take your money to do a political favor for you.  You keep your money and you get off your lazy ass and do whatever it is that needs doing.

Oh. BQB’s meddling attorney just handed me an envelope. “This blog is in no way encouraging people to undertake any kinds of official actions that they do not have the authority to do.”

For crying out loud. Ban all the lawyers! That’ll be the first thing I’ll do when I’m elected and then after that I’ll take a nap for a year.

In summation, here are more reasons why you should vote for me, Uncle Hardass, this Tuesday, November 8.

  • I’m younger than both candidates.  You wouldn’t think so but both are very, very, very old.
  • I’m going to be championing a new jobs initiative entitled, “Jobs! You Should Get One, You Lazy Son of a Bitch.” No need to create any new laws or organizations or programs to get people jobs. I am just going to go on TV once a week and nag all of you unemployed people about how awful you are for not having jobs and then surely all those people will do anything to get a job rather than be around to listen to me on TV, because my speech will be on every channel.
  • I will forego all wars and challenge opposing world leaders to an arm wrestling match instead.  Before you scoff, just keep in mind it gets kind of lonely for an old man, so I’ve been known to keep myself busy by shaking hands with the old bishop, often for hours at a time because honestly, at this point its just like pulling taffy.  Like it sort of wants to do something but not really.

Thank you, degenerate lazy 3.5 readers.

In conclusion of my summation, your writing ambitions are a waste of time and utterly pointless and also do something useful for a change and vote for me, Uncle Hardass.

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Nov 03 2016
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Tomfoolery

POLL – Which Bookshelf Battle Blog Character Would You Like to See as President?

Official Poll.

Choose the BQB-a-verse character you’d like to see as America’s Chief Executive:

  • Bookshelf Q. Battler
  • Video Game Rack Fighter
  • Bookshelf Q. Battledog
  • Alien Jones
  • The Mighty Potentate (all hail the Mighty Potentate)
  • The Yeti
  • Vinny Baggadouchio, Host of Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio
  • Dr. Hugo Von Science
  • The Many Characters who Live on BQB’s Shelf
  • Uncle Hardass
  • Aunt Gertie
  • Nerdstradamus
  • Search Engine Optimized Poet
  • Professor Nannerpants

I’m sure I forgot someone but vote for your favorite in the comments.

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Nov 03 2016
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East Randomtown News

East Randomtown Mayor’s Race -Vote for Leo McKoy Because Bookshelf Q. Battler is an Epic Doucheface and His Dumb Blog Should Be Banned Because it Stinks

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Statesman. Barfly. Deliverer of Sandwiches to the Stars. Leo McKoy Needs Your Vote.

Bookshelf Q. Battler.

He thinks he’s a real great hero, what because he saved East Randomtown from a zombie apocalypse.

And sure, he has a WordPress blog with 3.5 readers.

Leo McKoy could pull rank and mention how he once delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek, the actor who played Dawson on Dawson’s Creek.

But Leo would rather talk about the issues.

FREE POTATO AND FIXINGS BAR

Leo McKoy has been saying it for years. “What? This town doesn’t have a free potato bar? When did I fall asleep and get transported to Communist Russia?”

That’s right. Because the Communist Russians do not have free potato bars because they hate freedom and also potatoes.

If Leo McKoy is elected, he will personally provide over a free potato bar in the town square every Monday or, if Monday is a holiday, then he will hold the potato bar on Tuesday because you shouldn’t expect him to give up his Monday holiday, you ingrates.

Bacon bits. Sour cream. Butter. Chives. Chili. Refried beans. Tabasco sauce. Ketchup. Mustard. Ninety-five different kinds of ice cream. Thousand island dressing. Ranch dressing. Honey mustard.

If you can put it on a potato, then your free town potato bar will have it.

East Randomtownians will never have to put shoes on their hands and gloves on their feet and walk around on their hands as if their hands were feet on Leo McKoy’s watch.

Leo McKoy was the only candidate to pledge that our dear townsfolk will never be subjugated to a law that requires them to wear shoes on their hands and use their hands as their feet and their feet as their hands.

That would be a ridiculous law and Leo McKoy does not care that such a method of walking is required by the town’s bylaws. McKoy will not rest until that bylaw is repealed and East Randomtownians are walking on their feet like honest, God fearing folk.

CATS WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO READ YOUR MINDS

That’s right. If you believe your cat is trying to read your mind, report said feline to Mayor McKoy and your cat will spend the rest of his or her nine lives in cat prison.

Also, Mayor McKoy will expend most of the town’s treasury on the construction of a cat prison.

WE WILL CREATE AN ALL MILF POLICE FORCE

East Randomtown’s police force will be staffed by a bevy of forty year old babes who have given birth yet still managed to keep their shit hella tight and defy gravity.

If you are going to do some shit that’s going to get you arrested, you’ll feel a lot better if you’re hauled in by a MILF.

NO ONE WILL BE ALLOWED TO QUESTION IF MAYOR MCKOY IS A ROBOT

Bookshelf Q. Battler lied when he said he saw McKoy get eaten by zombies. McKoy is not a robot and he is so certain the townsfolk trust him that he will make it illegal to have politicians checked for metal balls.

MONEY WILL NOT BE WASTED ON RIDICULOUS THINGS

A McKoy administration will tighten the town’s belt by doing the following:

  • The East Randomtown Library will be shuttered and bulldozed. No one has stepped foot in it since it was discovered that books steal your souls.
  • All subjects at East Randomtown High School will be cancelled and replaced with one catch all class entitled, “Keeping it Real.” Taught by Mayor McKoy himself, students will learn that math is bullshit, science is a load of crap and no one needs to know what how to read the Englishes good as long as they know how to keep it real.
  • The town dump will be closed. Residents will be encouraged to sweep trash under their beds.  You can always get more trash under your bed so stop complaining.
  • Roads will not be repaved. Everyone is too fat and will be required to walk everywhere. Seriously, people. Look at yourselves. Even Mayor McKoy wouldn’t make a pass at you, that’s how fat you all are.

A STATUTE OF JAMES AND LEO

That’s right. A solid gold statute will be built to memorialize the glorious time when Leo McKoy delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek.

BAN THE BOOKSHELF BATTLE BLOG

You know with all the zombie attacks, and the yeti always going on a tear, and the space aliens always parking their ships on our front lawns and probing people in unflattering places, life sure isn’t easy in East Randomtown.

But has anyone noticed that life got worse around the same time Bookshelf Q. Battler started his stupid blog?

BQB’s blog is a magnet that pulls every last supernatural asshole in the universe to our humble town.

Thus, when Leo McKoy is elected, he will shut down BQB’s entire operation.  All the weirdo monsters that keep descending on our town will get lost and BQB’s 3.5 readers will never be entertained again.

CONCLUSION

A lot of people talk about delivering a sandwich to a 1990s teen heart throb but Leo McKoy was the only man with the guts to actually do it.

Did you do it? No? Then shut your suck hole and be a man and vote for Leo McKoy, because he’ll stop BQB and his dumb blog from destroying our lousy ass town.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER IS A STUPID DOUCHEFACE WHOSE BLOG SHOULD BE SHUT DOWN SO VOTE FOR LEO MCKOY OR EVERYTHING BAD THAT HAPPENS IN THIS TOWN IS YOUR FAULT BECAUSE HE TRIED TO WARN YOU

 

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Oct 22 2016
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Uncategorized

#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #22 – Ken Bone

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

Yes, 3.5 readers!

You thought that Ken Bone was just a flash in the pan Internet sensation, didn’t you?

But he’s much more than that!

He’s also an accomplished vampire hunter.

Why do you think he wears that red sweater?

To hide all the blood from all the vampires he’s hunted, of course.

Befriend Ken Bone and vampires will never bother you as all vampires are petrified of…Ken Bone, Vampire Hunter!

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Oct 15 2016
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Uncategorized

I was touched inappropriately by Hillary Clinton And Donald trump

3.5 readers while everyone is telling their stories I figured I would finally tell mine.

Hillary Clinton touched my hiney.

The year was 1998. Smashing Pumpkins were all the rage and neon clothing was in.

Why was it ever out? A question for another day.

There I was, wearing my multicolored 8 ball jacket, walking down the street, minding my own business.

I’d been listening to Bell Biv Devoe on my CD Walkman for hours and felt it was time to switch things up to Salt N Pepa.

Alas, I dropped my CD holder. The CDs scattered everywhere. 

And then, as I bent over to pick up my CDs, I felt it – the First Lady’s hand all over my firm, supple buttocks.

“Mmm yummy!” the former FLOTUS said. “Mama likey!”

“Oh my God!” I cried. “First Lady of the United States Hillary Clinton! Did you just touch my derrière?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that I touched the alleged hiney in question,” Hillary said. “And youse better not talk to no one about it if you know what’s good for you, see?”

Hillary, who sounded like a 1930s gangster, ran off into the night and left me with my shame.

I dropped to my knees and shouted to the stars, “Why God? Why? Why have you sentenced me to a lifetime of agony due to having my ass touched by the most powerful woman in the world? Could this day get any worse?”

And so I laid there in the street for awhile until a limo pulled up and a man stepped out.

The suit. The hair.

“What’s this whack job doing in the middle of the road?” the Donald said. “I’m Donald J. Trump and I’m on my way to a very important business meeting which I assure you will be very classy and very fantastic. No one holds a better business meeting than I do, OK? I hold them better than they do in China, that’s for sure.”

“Oh,” I said. “Sorry Mr Trump. I was just a bit hysterical because Hillary Clinton just touched my ass.”

“The Hillary Clinton?” Donald asked. “She and her husband are good friends of mine. Excellent friends. I cut checks to them all the time. I’m sure we’ll be friends forever and speaking of Friends, that show is still on the air because it’s the 90s. Ross will never get with Rachel, that much I can tell you. Ross is a loser. He really is. Very low energy.”

“I’ll get out of your way,” I said.

But before I could, I felt the smallest hand ever on my rump.

“This does absolutely nothing for me, just so you know,” Trump said. “Worst hiney I’ve ever touched, ok? You really need to start working out big league.”

I walked away but remained very sad and depressed for the rest of my life. In fact at the time I was about to become the world’s first guitar playing astronaut but the mental pain was so much I had to settle for starting a blog with only 3.5 readers.

Also, my attorney advises me to say this is all just a joke, not true, and never happened.

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Oct 11 2016
3 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – Are Trump and Hillary in love?

Look, I’m just going to say it.

All that tension at the second presidential debate was because Trump and Hillary are in love.

Hillary is tired of Bill running around on her and wants a man with gravity defying hair.

Trump yearns to get all up in that sweet ass pantsuit.

They’re fighting over this and that but really its all just to mask the fact that they want to bone.

Could be speculation but I don’t know.

And further, I don’t even want to speculate what it would sound like.

You know what? I won’t speculate about it because it would decrease the dignity of this fine blog.

TRUMP: Oh yeah…oh yeah…this YUGE!  Thanks to me, Donald J. Trump, your bed is going to experience the highest ratings it has ever seen. You’re welcome.

HILLARY: Oh Donald! Hit that delete key, my chia headed stallion! Hit that delete key hard!

TRUMP: This is so classy. Really, its so fantastic. We’re gonna go at it big league!

HILLARY: Hold on.  I have to take off my pantsuit and then the three other pantsuits underneath my pantsuit.  Ugh, wait, I need my walker…

Hmmm.  Oh well. It’s a good thing only 3.5 people read this.

Look, that’s just a hypothetical recreation of what a Trump/Hillary rendezvous would sound like.

And who knows? Maybe if they were to get together, maybe the country would benefit.

What say you, 3.5? Are the Donald and Hillary secretly in love?

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Oct 10 2016
1 Comment
search engine optimized poet

Search Engine Optimized Poet – An Ode to Ken Bone

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SEO Poet

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the web searchers’ feets, ya dig?

Ken Bone!

Whoa, Ken Bone!

Why is your sweater so bright?

Portly mustached man with thinning hair and glasses for your sight.

Fright?  Of a world that doesn’t treat you right?

No. He refused to give that thought a single respite.

He wanted answers as to the country’s energy plight.

Fight! That’s what the presidential debate was.

But…buzz! That’s what Ken Bone got because…

…he wears his lip fuzz…

…like a boss.  He didn’t get cross and he had nothing to hide

A breathe of fresh air while the rest of the country sighed,

At two dummies who make the founding fathers cry.

Ken Bone! Look at you and the way you plug about your day.

Just because you’re not a supermodel you don’t feel any dismay.

Or, if you do, it never shows,

Even though around and around the toilet bowl is where our country goes.

Ken Bone you are a star, especially to me,

And a champion of non-supermodels everywhere, just like BQB.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: I’d like to say I’m very proud of Ken Bone.  Although I have to say it shouldn’t be a news story that someone who is a little chubby and style challenged was able to ask an interesting question at a presidential debate, I’m glad that he did.

He’s become a bit of an Internet sensation and I feel part of that is a lot of people saying, “Wow! People who don’t look like supermodels have thoughts?!”

Yes. Yes they do. Stop being so surprised.

Still, as far as I’ve heard, no one seems to be busting on him (at least not in a mean way) so whenever the Internet shows class we can be happy.

Finally, to increase SEO optimization, allow me to say – Ken Bone! Ken Bone. Ken Bone. Ken Bone, the guy in the red sweater who asked a question at the presidential debate.

Yes, the debate with Trump vs. Clinton where Ken Bone asked a question about energy. Also, Ken Bone.  Or possibly, Kenneth Bone.

 

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Oct 10 2016
1 Comment
#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #10 -Political Debates

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

I don’t know about you 3.5 readers, but when a political debate is supposed to be about substance and it devolves into which candidate is a less shitty person, it makes me want to crawl back into my coffin and sleep for a hundred years, bleh.

The next time a vampire comes at you, just play the latest presidential debate.

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