Tag Archives: rap

Droppin’ Monsters (A Bookshelf Q. Battle Rap)

Oh my God, 3.5 readers.  Oh my God.

Sit all 3.5 of your butts down for this.

So, as you know, back in the day I was one half of the rap duo known as The Funky Hunks.  My partner MC Plotz and I were a hit with the late 1990s/early 2000s soccer moms what with our squeaky clean lyrics.

Alas, time moved on and my rhyme spinning days are long behind me, but my lyric writing game is still pretty sweet, so I found a rapper on artist who goes by the handle I_Will_Rap.  He’s got mad crazy skills and he’ll rap whatever you want for a reasonable price.

Anyway.  Without further ado, I present to you the debut of the new hit single, sure to take the hip hop world by storm and it’s so good that it may even unite East and West Coast rappers together in a new era of peace, love and understanding: Droppin’ Monsters.

DROPPIN’ MONSTERS (A Bookshelf Q. Battle Rap)

Lyrics by: Bookshelf Q. Battler

Beats Dropped and Rhymes Rapped by I_Will_Rap

Yo. 2017. Time to make the green.
Bookshelf Q. Battler droppin monsters like a bad habit.
Let’s do this thing. Time to get paid, ya dig?

You roll up to your crib and there’s a vampire inside.
Call on BQB to do the wooden stake slide.
But oh my god a zombie wants my brains!
Better get BQB to make it rain the pain.
What’s that in my yard? A chupacabra goat sucker?
BQB grab your nine, pop a cap in that mother (bleep).

When it comes to fighting evil, BQB is the best.
Forces of darkness don’t even try it, this is a nerd you do not want to test.

East Randomtown is the dope ass hood where this bespectacled pimp resides.
He’s chillin in his headquarters, the fly ass hunnies won’t be denied.
BQB is a badass monster hunter, you know that is a fact.
So if you’re a demon straight outta hell, he’ll put you on your back.

One day while BQB was writing,
On his blog called bookshelfbattle.com
There was a sound that was oh so frightening
So he said, “what’s going on?”
He ran downstairs to his living room and what oh what did he see?
A fat ass yeti sitting on his couch, eating his food and watching TV.

“I live in your house forever now,” the Yeti said.
“I’m taking over this fabulous place.”
But that idea filled BQB with dread
So he round house kicked the Yeti right in the face.

Yeah, BQB is droppin monsters.
Ghosts and goblins and werewolves too.
That nerd is gonna do a drive by.
On anything that dares to shout, “boo!”

But when BQB’s not dropping a monstrous reprobate,
He’s writing a dope ass story.
He’s gonna save the world from the Mighty Potentate,
And get his ass some glory.

So don’t forget to check bookshelfbattle.com
For news of BQB’s daring do.
And if you are a monster,
BQB is coming for you.

Damn. That was some sweet ass shit.
3.5 readers my ass. Bookshelf Q. Battler should have all the (bleep) readers.

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Zomcation – Chapter 4

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Paige was sixteen years old with a mouth full of braces and hair that was best described as “frizz bomb aftermath.” She’d tried shampoo, conditioner, various sprays but nothing could tame her locks. Even though she had her hair pulled back in a pony tail, strand after strand had managed to escape and reach for the sky.

But that, much to her mother’s dismay, didn’t stop her from pursuing a social life.

“O…M…G…” Paige said into her blue tooth headset as she completely ignored the road. “Oh to the M to the friggin’ G, Becky, you’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Paige,” Abby said from the passenger’s seat as she monitored her daughter/student driver, “You’ve got to watch what you’re doing.”

“And then Bobby said what?” Paige asked. “No! Shut up! He did not. He did? Hashtag classic Bobby.”

Paige’s brother, fourteen-year old Dylan, sat in the back seat. The black hair undernath his backwards ball cap was long and it covered the buds in his ears. The boy loved his music and he lost himself as he repeated the lyrics to a rap song from his favorite artist, the controversial gangster rapper Stank Daddy.

“Bitch,” Dylan rapped. “What makes you think I won’t cut a bitch? Chop yo’ head off, leave yo’ ass lyin’ in a ditch…”

“You know I thought Justin and Laura were acting way too buddy buddy lately,” Paige said to her friend through her blue tooth. “But they’re totes official now? Wow…are we calling them ‘Jaura’ or ‘Lustin?’ Right. Jaura because Lustin would be way too dirty. OMG Jaura is so going to be trending on Lifebox…”

Abby’s stomach did backflips as she noticed a stop sign coming up that her daughter was completely oblivious to.

“Paige…”

“And who is Judy to be even complaining about this?” Paige asked her friend. “She was all like, ‘Justin is so twenty sixteen’ but now that she sees him with another girl she’s all like totes sad hashtag whining like Adele.”

“Paige…”

Dylan was of no help. “Set yo’ ass on fire, bitch, run yo’ ass over with my tires, bitch…”

The stop sign had officially become way too close. “PAIGE!”

“Oh my God!” Paige squawked to her mother, “What?!”

Paige followed her mother’s pointing finger until she too finally saw the stop sign. She jammed on the breaks, knocking Dylan ass over teakettle until he landed on the floor. The car was stopped just in time to narrowly avoid being creamed by a pick-up truck whose driver honked angrily at Paige.

“OMG,” Paige said to her friend. “I almost got run over by the worst driver ever.”

“Dylan,” Abby said. “Are you ok?”

There was an unusual amount of quiet in the back seat until Dylan finally popped his head up, flashed a gang sign and proudly declared, “thug life baby!”

“Paige,” Abby said. “Hang up the phone.”

“Oh God,” Paige said as she rolled her eyes. “Becky I have to call you back. Yeah. I know. Hashtag drama.”

“Look both ways,” Abby said. Paige did so.

“Move,” Abby said.

Paige took the car through the intersection and was on her best behavior when Abby ordered her to pull over.

“Oh come on.”

“Now,” Abby said.

Paige did as instructed. Abby got out and walked around the front of the car as Paige scooched over to the driver’s seat.

Dylan took a break from his rapping to make an observation. “Women drivers. No survivors.”

“Shut up douche face,” was Paige’s response.

“Make me, brace face,” was Dylan’s one-up.

Abby got in and took the wheel.

“I don’t know why you’re doing this to me,” Paige said.

“Because,” Abby said as she checked her blind spot and rolled out onto the street. “You almost got us killed.”

“Come on,” Paige said. “That could have happened to anyone.”

“Anyone who’s talking nonsense to her friends on the phone instead of paying attention, yes,” Abby lectured.

Dylan returned to his rapping. “Bitch don’t you know that I’ll blow yo’ ass sky high? Blak ka ka kat goes my nine when I do a drive by…”

“Dylan,” Abby said. “What are you listening to?”

The boy ignored his mother and kept rapping.

“How am I supposed to get my driver’s license if I don’t get any time behind the wheel?” Paige asked.

“When you’re ready to listen to me, you get all the time you want,” Abby said.

“Whatever,” Paige said as she folded her arms and stared out the passenger’s side window. Hashtag Hitler mom.”

“Did you just verbally hashtag me?” Abby asked.

“Hashtag maybe,” Paige replied.

“Bitch you know I’m strapped,” Dylan rapped. “Got an AK-47 and a big ass bat…”

“Dylan!” Abby shouted.

“What?” Dylan whined as he popped out his ear buds.

“What are you listening to?” Abby asked.

“Stank Daddy,” Dylan said.

“I don’t like it,” Abby said.

“Then you’re racist,” Dylan replied.

Abby felt her blood pressure boil. “Excuse me, young man?”

“You don’t like Stank Daddy because he’s black,” Dylan said.

“I beg your pardon?” Abby said. “I’ll have you know I voted for Obama twice.”

“So?” Dylan asked.

“So I don’t like Stank Daddy because he talks about chopping up bitches and blowing them up and so on,” Abby said. “Those are very violent lyrics and ‘bitch’ is not a nice word to use to refer to women.”

“He’s not using ‘bitch’ in the female sense but rather as a term to emasculate the various societal forces that want to keep him down due to his blackness,” Dylan explained. “And you wouldn’t be complaining if some white bread country ass turkey like John Denver Michael Mellencamp Bolton or whoever was talking about blowing up bitches.”

“I certainly would,” Abby said.

Dylan shook his head and popped his buds back into his ears. “A phony ass cracka like you just wouldn’t understand.”

Abby felt all the energy drain out of her body as she took a right and headed for home. “Hashtag worst kids ever.”

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BQB’s Favorite YouTubers – Epic Rap Battles of History

This is one of those web shows where I’m surprised that it works, but it really does.

Epic Rap Battles of History combines rap, humor, and as the title suggests, history.

Its the history part that is surprising.  The viewer actually learns something as historical figures pick up the mic and diss each other via rap battles.

Some interesting standoffs:

Frederick Douglass vs. Thomas Jefferson

J.R.R. Tolkien vs. George R.R. Martin

Zeus vs. Thor…

…just to name a few.

Oh, and contemporaries stop by – Ellen vs. Oprah in a battle of daytime talk show hosts.

I tip my hat to Nice Peter and epicLLOYD, the dudes behind the channel.  This is an idea that takes a special kind of talented to enjoy.

Speaking of, enjoy this rap battle between Eastern and Western Philosophers:

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BQB’s Favorite YouTubers – Jenna Marbles

I’ll admit it, 3.5 readers.

I have a bias against good looking people.

What can I say? I am a proponent of #OscarsSoPretty after all.

Soooo…I realize that’s my bias.  And I’m working on it.

But in general, whenever I see a pretty woman, I assume she isn’t funny.

Humor comes from the dark recesses of the soul, pain turned into laughter and really, or to put it more succinctly, funny people develop their sense of humor to compensate for their lack of looks.

But my bias does not always ring true. Jenna Marbles, for example, is a hot YouTube chick who is also very funny.

As a male nerd, I can’t really relate to most of her problems – i.e. best ways to put on makeup and dating dudes and so on, but…

…I do think her “Bounce that Dick” rap video is pretty hilarious.

You can watch it here…but don’t watch it at work…or at church…or around mixed company…or anywhere not by yourself, unless you’re around people who find dick rap videos funny:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwLMM_QBkMc

I get the joke.

So many rap videos feature a rapper who demands that women shake and/or bounce their asses.

Jenna turns the rap game on its ear by demanding that dudes shake their dicks.

Funny, in theory.

In reality, men and women are very different.

Ask a woman to shake her ass and she’ll slap you.

Ask a man to shake his dick and not only will he be very happy that you asked him but you literally won’t be able to stop him from shaking it ever again.

I don’t care who the man is.  Football player. Scientist.  Astronaut.  Whoever…once given the go ahead, that dude will shake it until the end of time.

At any rate, Jenna is a good example of someone who just started out with a YouTube channel and a low budget and ended up doing some great, funny things.

Thus, she is one of BQB’s Favorite YouTubers.

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Daily Discussion with BQB -Blake Lively’s Butt

Good Morning 3.5 Readers.

For our very first daily discussion, we’re talking about Blake Lively’s butt.

The Blakester popped this picture on instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BFhx9lGR4Jj/?taken-by=blakelively

So you can see in the caption she says, “LA face with an Oakland booty.”

As you butt rap song aficionados may be aware, that’s a reference to Sir Mix-a-lot’s classic tune, “Baby Got Back” in which the world’s premiere rapping knight proclaims his love of large butts to the world.

Blake took a lot of heat.  People said this was a racist comment.  I guess if I think about it, I can sort of see the point.  (If you say you have an LA face and an Oakland booty, aren’t you saying that white faces are better than black faces and black butts are bigger than white butts?)

And then I suppose people might complain isn’t this too superficial? Is she seeking attention, like “Hey everyone look at my face and butt!”

I don’t know.  I understand people are trying to be more sensitive about racial issues these days.  But if you want my two cents, you also have to consider the speaker’s intent when analyzing these comments.

I don’t believe she intended to make fun of black people.  If anything, I think she was making fun of her own butt.  She is married to Ryan Reynolds so she must have a healthy sense of humor.

And if she was seeking attention…well…that’s what celebrities do, isn’t it?

What say you, 3.5 readers? Was Blake Lively in the wrong or should lonely male nerds the world over thank her for posting a picture of her fabulous badonka donk and move on?

Or heck, don’t move on. Just stare at it with your jaw dropped for awhile and drool like Homer Simpson.  “Mmm Age of Adaline heiney…”

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The Funky Hunks – Greatest Hits Album

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Read N’ Plenty (Known Today as Bookshelf Q. Battler, Proprietor of a Website With 3.5 Readers)

The Funky Hunks.  Bookshelf Q. Battler and Bernie Plotznick, or as you knew them back in the day, Read N’ Plenty and MC Plotz.

They were the most wholesome, least controversial rap duo ever assembled, and that’s why your moms listened to them more than you did.

Relive the late 1990’s again with these non-threatening songs:

  • “Get Yo Milk On, Sucka”
  • “Look Both Ways Before You Cross Da Street, Playa”
  • “Straight Up Recyclin'”
  • “Girl…We Should Get to Know Each Other in an Extended Courtship First”
  • “Damn Baby, I’mma Have Yo Ass Home By 10:30 P.M.”
  • “Hygiene, What’s It Mean?”
  • “Carrots B. Tas-tay”
  • “Word to Yo Toothbrush”
  • “Call Yo Damn Grandma, Fool”
  • “Tell That Stranger to Step Off”
  • “Fight 4 Da Right to Bedazzle”
  • “Homework Betta Recognize”
  • “Can’t a Dawg Get a Decent Pair of Slacks at a Reasonable Price Up in This Bitch?”
  • “Fs Go Away, I’m A Plussin Everday”
  • “Straight Outta Bean Dip”
  • “Me So Studious”
  • “Etiquette Yourself Before You Wrecketiquette Yourself”
  • “Cuz I Got High…On Life”
  • “Break Me Off a Piece of Dat Bran Muffin”
  • “Girl, I’mma Need Your Unequivocal, Verbalized Permission Before I Kiss You”
  • “I Wanna Be a Decent, Stand-Up Taxpaying Citizen So Friggin’ Bad”
  • “Put Yo Clothes On Girl, I Barely Know You”
  • “Mad Hella Fiber in My Diet, Son”
  • “If You Aint Floss, Yo Teeth Aint Clean, Sucka”
  • “Increasing Auto Insurance Rates Be Everyone’s Problem, Ya Heard?”
  • “Girl, I’mma Come Inside and Say Hello to Yo Pops Before I Take You to Da Movies and Keep My Hands to My Mutha Truckin’ Self Da Entire Time”
  • “Wheat Grass Aint No Joke”
  • “Straight Up Tippin Dat Hard Workin’ Waitress”
  • “Wash a Dish…Wipe a Dish”
  • “Bake a Cake for a Homeless Veteran, Cuz”
  • “I’mma Dream It, I’mma Do It”
  • “I Got 99 Problems But Bad Manners Aint One”
  • “Bustin Caps…on the Soda Bottle B4 It Go Flat”
  • “Damn It Feels Good to Turn Off a Light and Save My Parents Some Money on the Electric Bill”

All these hits and more, wherever wholesome late 90s rap songs are sold!

What were your favorite Funky Hunk jams? Post them in the comments!

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MC Plotz

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Movie Review – Straight Outta Compton (2015)

You are about to witness the strength of SPOILER knowledge.

Straight outta East Randomtown, crazy blogger named BQB.

I write all the time but only 3.5 people ever read me.

BQB here with a review of the NWA biopic Straight Outta Compton.

Oh, just an FYI – this trailer has butts in it.  In fact, this movie has a lot of butts in it because these guys partied hard.  So don’t watch the trailer or the movie it if you don’t like or are offended by butts.

Rap.  It’s been around since the 1970’s.  But there was a time when the most controversial lyrics came from the Sugar Hill Gang complaining about having to pretend the food at your friend’s house is good even though it makes you want to reach for a bottle of Kaopectate.

That all changed in the mid 1980s when a group of friends got together to form NWA.  If you’re not in the know, I’ll let you figure out what the N stands for on your own.

Our tale begins in 1986 with Dr. Dre getting lectured by his mother that he has to quit being a DJ and get a job to support his son.  Meanwhile, O’Shea Jackson aka Ice Cube scribbles lyrics in a notebook on the school bus.  Eric Wright aka Easy E starts out as a heavy duty gangster, participating in serious drug deals.

I’ll let you watch rather than spill the details, but long story short, these three (not to be rude but other than Dre, Easy E, Ice Cube and MC Ren I have a tendency to forget the names of the other NWA members) end up with some studio time.  They encourage Easy E, who has never rapped before, to give his rendition of Ice Cube’s Boyz In Da Hood and the rest is history.

But their road to stardom is rocky.  There’s the logistical problem.  They’re openly swearing and talking about sex, drugs, and violence and that wasn’t exactly a surefire way to get what every aspiring musician needs – radio airplay.

Then there’s the political problems.  They have a song called F$%k the Police which as you can imagine, doesn’t make the police very happy.  On top of that, people aren’t happy about the idea of young people listening to music about sex, drugs, violence etc.

But somehow against all the odds they hit the big time.  They find an unlikely ally in Jerry Heller, a music business manager who represented a lot of acts in the 1960s but didn’t inspire much confidence in the 1990s.  The boys call him Mr. Furley (the bumbling old landlord from Three’s Company).

I won’t give too much away but suffice to say, disputes over money break the buddies apart.  Dr. Dre and Ice Cube go out on their own.  Fighting ensues, sometimes hilariously in the form of “diss songs” filled with lyrics in which NWA and Ice Cube trash each other, at other times tragically as violence ensues.

One criticism levied at the film by movie reviewers has been that the film might paint NWA in too good a light, that maybe they left some disturbing things on the cutting room floor, Dr. Dre’s physical attack on a female reporter, for example.

Then again, the film is pretty open about a lot of negative things, some of the most memorable:

  •  Easy E is shown taking part in a drug deal turned violent.
  • Dr. Dre, who left NWA to work with Suge Knight, goes out on his own again when he witnesses Suge using an attack dog to scare a man into hiding under a table in his underwear.
  • Ice Cube takes a baseball bat to the office of a record executive who he feels has not given him his due.
  • A dude comes to the boys’ hotel room looking for trouble.  Easy E pulls a gun on him.  The gun is so elaborate with a scope and various attachments that it looks like it belongs on a battlefield instead of in the hands of a rapper.

Could troubling aspects of their past been left out?  Maybe, but perhaps that was only because they only had two hours to fit in all the disturbing stuff they did put in.

It’s well produced, acted, directed, a good story worth a rental.

Are they heroes who promoted free speech or outlaws who cashed in on dirty lyrics, opening up the floodgates for artists to focus less on the art and more on being controversial?

You be the judge.  I have mixed feelings.  I don’t really want to “F$%k the Police.”  But I also enjoy a good beat.

All I know is I’m getting old.  Doesn’t seem like it was long ago that these guys and their proteges were on the radio all the time.  Actors playing Snoop Dogg and Tupac stop by.

Millennials, you’ll know when you’re old when the Justin Bieber Story comes out.

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BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 8

October 8, 2015

Alien Jones walked over with a hand covering his eyes.

“Humans, it’s been an entire day now and since another human’s life is at stake I must insist you cease your primitive bodily fluid exchange ritual posthaste.”

“OK AJ,” I said.

The Esteemed Brainy One uncovered his eyes to find VGRF and I playing Car Thief Mayhem.

I prefer Car Thief Mayhem 20

I prefer Car Thief Mayhem 20

“Finally,” Alien Jones said. “There was one point last night  where I wondered whether or not I needed to investigate. It sounded like one of you was being eaten alive by a zombie.”

“Yeah,” I said. “That was me. I got stuck in my zipper.”

“Spare me the details.”

VGRF paused the game. Alien Jones held out his hands and projected a map of the mall into the air. Spectral mapping was just one of the little guy’s many talents. He could display the layout of any location within a mile thanks to his highly complicated built-in sonar processing system.

“We are here,” Alien Jones said, pointing to the store on the map marked “Price Town.”

He could even use his mind to put little notes on the map. Creepy.

“Unfortunately, Hipster Hut, where BQB’s ex has barricaded herself in a backroom, is all the way over at the opposite side of the mall.”

“I can’t believe we went at it all night,” VGRF said. “Poor Blandie, I hope she’s still ok.”

“She’s fine,” Alien Jones said. “I’m reading her mind as we speak. She is cursing out BQB and making fun of his tiny…”

“OK!” I interrupted. “So let’s plan this out, shall we?”

Alien Jones used his mind to project a trail of red dots leading from Price Town and across the mall to our intended destination.

“The zombies have stacked themselves up at the gate at the inner mall entrance to this store, waiting for us to come out so they can eat us,” Alien Jones said. “Well eat you, anyway. My body is made of a durable rubbery substance so their teeth will just bounce right off me, but when you’re all gruesomely murdered by undead savages, I will remember you fondly.”

“What are you trying to say?” I asked.

The Mighty Potentate really hates reality television.

The Mighty Potentate really hates reality television.

“That this mission is inadvisable but if I cannot change your minds I will do my best to protect you,” Alien Jones said. “But remember BQB, more is riding on this than just your former bump buddy. The Mighty Potentate has issued standing orders to a billion shock troops to be on standby to invade Earth at the precise moment when your heart stops beating. It will be a complete violation of Intergalactic Space Law, but the MP believes it will be worth it to contain the menace that is reality television.”

VGRF whispered to me, “You really need to get to work on that novel.”

“I can project a force field bubble that will protect us for five minutes but there won’t be a second to spare. As soon as it shuts off, we will be surrounded and outmatched. Our goal needs to be to get to Blandie and hole up in the Hipster Hut until a further escape plan can be devised.”

“Can we just come back here?” I asked.

“Doubtful,” Alien Jones said. “Once the gate is opened, Price Town will be overrun with the zombie horde.”

“You’ll need to wake up Bernie,” I said.

“Yes,” Alien Jones replied. “Bring him to me.”

“What?” I asked. “What am I supposed to do, carry him?”

“Indeed.”

“Why cant you just go to him?”

“We can’t have him anywhere near the button that opens the gate when he wakes up.”

“Oh right,” I said.

“Do you want some help?” VGRF asked?

“No I’ve got it.”

I headed over to the gate and found Bernie right where we’d left him. He was frozen solid, his hand stretched out, a finger pointing at the button, a revoltingly angry look on his face.

I grabbed him by the waist. He wasn’t that big of a guy but still, it was an entire human being. He wasn’t budging.

I grabbed him by the arm, tilted him downward, and dragged him behind me. It worked for awhile until I lost my grip and he fell right on his back. I yanked on his arm again and kept dragging until I was before the Esteemed Brainy One.

AJ worked his magic with a single point of his finger.

Funky Hunks Forever

Funky Hunks Forever

“FUNKY HUNKS FOREVER!” Bernie cried.

He looked around.

“What the?”

“Alien Jones had to freeze you for awhile,” I said. “You flipped out and were going to let all the zombies in.”

“I was?”

I nodded.

“Aww dang, B.  I’m sorry.”

“The zombie apocalypse means never having to say you’re sorry,” I said. “Just get your shit together.”

“Humans,” Alien Jones said. “I will need one more day to prepare for this rescue mission. Don’t worry. I can see Blandie’s situation through her eyes and the door she is behind is holding. Video Game Rack Fighter, I need you to gather every computer in the store and bring them here.”

“I’m on it,” VGRF said.

“Bernie,” AJ continued. “Bring me Price Town’s entire stock of batteries.”

“Will do space dawg.”

“BQB,” AJ said. “Find me a leaf blower, a dehumidifier and a troll doll.”

“Sure thing,” I said as I sat down, feeling winded. “Just give me a minute though. Dragging Bernie’s fat ass all the way over here wore me out.”

“That’s not good,” Alien Jones said. “A zombie fighter needs to be in peak physical condition.”

“Tell me about it,” I said. “In fact, that reminds me. I need to call someone.”

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A Guide to the Bookshelf Battleverse – Part 6 – The Funky Hunks

In the late 1990s/early 2000’s, BQB and his childhood friend, Bernie Plotznick, rose to a mediocre level of fame as a wholesome rap duo known as “The Funky Hunks.”

BQB argued the duo should rap about standard rap fare, i.e guns, drugs, and beatches.   Bernie would have none of it, insisting that the group should only rap about wholesome subjects like looking both ways before crossing the street and not talking to strangers.

Bernie won, and while the duo’s debut album, Nonthreatening White Boys, found moderate success amongst a niche audience of forty something ladies in blue denim stretch pants, it was universally panned and ignored by youths of the day around the turn of the millennium.

BQB, back in his Funky Hunk days, when he rapped under the moniker,

BQB, back in his Funky Hunk days, when he rapped under the moniker, “Read N. Plenty.”  BQB hanged up his yellow coat long ago.

When the group failed, BQB and Bernie went their separate ways.  BQB found success as the host of a blog with 3.5 readers.  Bernie, on the other hand, bitterly clinged to the idea of a Funky Hunk Resurgence.

Bernie

Bernie “MC Plotz” Plotznick, who dresses like this even today.

Bernie can be found by the East Randomtown freeway offramp, selling oranges to support himself and writing new rhymes in a notebook.

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Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #004 – Snubbed (Part 7) (Conclusion)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1   Part 2   Part 3   Part 4   Part 5   Part 6

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

“Where the hell I was I?”

I was all alone, sitting in front of the library’s beep boop machine.

The lights switched off.shutterstock_71510056

“Oh thank God,”  Agnes said.  “You’re conscious again.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know,”  the librarian replied.  “You were making me look up Nicki Minaj’s tweets and then you drifted off somewhere deep in thought, humming a song about someone named, ‘Honey.'”

“Ag, wanna help me wrap this mystery up?”

“Library’s closed,”  Agnes said as she pointed to the door, giving me the bum’s rush.  “Time to find a shelter, rummy.”

There was nothing I could do to convince Agnes that I wasn’t just one of an assortment of street people who wandered into the library all day seeking free shelter and wi-fi, constantly harassing her to cater to their every need and whim as if she was some kind of city employed maid instead of a trained researcher.

She handed me a stack of papers on the way out.

“Print-outs of everything else I found on the Nicki Minaj snub,”  the old lady said.  “I still think you need to find something better to do with your time than waste it on pop culture.”

“There’s 3.5 readers who disagree with you, doll.”

I pocketed the papers and shuffled my way out of the building, down the street aways until I found an all-night diner.

“How much for a water, sweetheart?”

“It’s complimentary,” the waitress answered.

“Then keep ’em coming.”

“Wow.  Big spender.”

I laid out the file full of info Agnes printed out for me.

The tacks were brass and it was time to get down to them.

1)  Was Nicki’s “snub” race related?

I understand I’m the wrong color to be saying that race relations have improved over the years.

However, I am the right age.  Though I stopped aging sixty years ago, I’m ninety-five and can tell you there was a time when interracial marriage was a sin, black people were denied access to basic opportunities taken for granted today.

I’ve seen black people shooed to the back of the bus, out of restaurants, chased away with dogs from the voting booth, you name it.

Society kept Peaches and I apart and that will always be a sore spot for yours truly, seeing as how society’s opinion was never asked for in the matter.

But, as an open-minded private dick, I get the flip side.  That folks aren’t openly treated like garbage just because of the color of their skin is all well and good, but the aftershocks of slavery and past oppression are going to be around for a long time.  Will black people ever feel truly welcome in the world?  Are there white people who hold certain biases, some of whom may not even realize it?

The President put it best:

It is incontrovertible that race relations have improved significantly during my lifetime and yours, and that opportunities have opened up, and that attitudes have changed.  That is a fact.  What is also true is the legacy of slavery, Jim Crow, discrimination in almost every institution of our lives, you know, that casts a long shadow and that’s still part of our DNA that’s passed on.  We’re not cured of it.

– Barack Obama on Marc Maron’s WTF Podcast

By the wayside, if any of you yahoos can explain to this gumshoe WTF a podcast is, it’d be appreciated.  All I gather is everyone and their brother has their own show now thanks to the wonders of modern technology.

Did MTV decide not to nominate Nicki for a couple extra awards because of the color of her skin?  Doubtful.

Could Nicki’s complaint be seen as a preamble for a discussion for a greater need for diversity in the entertainment industry?

Of course.

In my day, black singers were considered novelty acts.  Today, they’re widely accepted.

Still, you don’t see as many movies where the protagonist, i.e. the lead guy or gal, the one all the action is centered around, is black.  There’s some, but not many.

You’ll see a lot of supporting black actors.  I suppose that’s progress from my day, where if you were a black actor you were typecast as the maid, the butler, or some hoodlum the cops were rousting.

To paraphrase the Prez’s summation, things are better, but they could also get better.

2)  What about body-type-ism?

Hollywood is all glamour and pizazz.   Heavy on the style, hold the substance.

If you’re fat, or ugly, or you’ve got a crooked nose, or shingles, or a weepy eye, or facial fungus or any host of bodily issues, there’s a better chance of finding you on the Moon than there is in the next blockbuster.

Is that right?  Is that wrong?  Maybe that’s just how the cookie crumbles.

People listen to music and watch the boob tube to escape reality.  Average Joes and Josephines want to pretend their someone greater than they are and it’s hard to do that when the guy or gal on the screen looks like you.

But then again, perhaps that’s an indictment of today’s looks-conscious world, one that assumes the not hot folk have nothing to offer.

I’ve observed this problem since waking up.  You’ve got that Meghan Trainor gal and her All About That Bass song.

Not to scandalize you, 3.5 readers, but as a trained investigator, I’m able to read between the lines and I’m fairly certain “All About That Bass” is double-talk for Meghan’s corpulent posterior.

Therein lies the point.  The gal has an impressive set of pipes and can sing like all get out, but she’s a bit on the chunky side, so she has to address that fact in a song.

If you ask me, people should be able to appreciate a good voice and not give a toot about the size of the singer’s caboose.

To that end (no pun intended), Nicki might be onto something.

I feel sorry for today’s musical entertainers.

Do you know what a singer needed to make it big in my day?  A pretty dress and a fine set of vocal chords.  That’s about it.

I remember sitting in a grand hall, listening to Peaches fill it up, feeling blessed just to have known her.

She didn’t have to wiggle her butt to a beat like Nicki, or put on an Egyptian Princess outfit like Katy, or a meat dress like Lady Gaga or pretend to be an action movie star like Taylor.

Peaches sang.  The audience cheered.  That’s it.

Today, people have more choices on how to be entertained than ever before, and while that’s led to more artists working, the negative byproduct is that it also requires most of them to engage in some kind of goofy gimmick.

Alas, the music gets lost in the pageantry.

I see the manager is about to kick me out for ordering nothing but complimentary water, so I’ll close with a final observation.

Conclusions

It’s all about the evidence, ’bout the evidence, no speculation.

I see nothing that proves Nicki was snubbed due to race or body-type-ism and let’s face it.  Three out of five nominations is nothing to sneeze at.

However, in a world where people are often cast aside because of what they look like, there’s always room for a conversation about how that trend can be curbed.

Personally, as one of the most handsome and modest bastards around, I think that’s big of me to say.

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Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.

All Rights Reserved.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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