“Grab the gear,” Alien Jones said. “We’re leaving.”
“Out there? With those things?” Blandie asked. “No way!”
“You heard the human military leader,” Alien Jones said. “By tomorrow morning, this entire structure will be a pile of charred ash. We can’t stay here.”
I picked up my bug out bag. VGRF and Bernie did the same.
“What’s the plan, Esteemed Brainy One?” I asked.
The Compensator – when only a vehicle capable of depleting the oil reserves of a third world country will do.
“I sense there is a brand new, fully loaded Compensator Sports Utility Vehicle illegally parked across two handicapped parking spaces outside the nearby entrance. It was formerly owned by what you humans would refer to as a ‘One Percenter Douche Bag.’ We will make our way to it, hit the open road, and improvise a further plan from there.”
“Can I have a gun?” Blandie asked.
“You’ll shoot your foot off,” I said.
“You let HIM have a gun,” Blandie said, pointing to Bernie.
“Good point,” I said.
I pulled a spare pistol out of my waistband and handed it to her. She handled it rather clumsily.
“So how do you take the safety off? Is it just this little…”
BAM!
Blandie fired a shot right into the roof.
“Gimme that!” I said as I took the piece back. I searched around for a blunt instrument and handed her a trophy that read, ‘Blandie Settler: Hipster Hutt Manager of the Year.’”
“You were manager of the year?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Blandie said. “So? What? I can do stuff good!”
I opened the door. That dumb, confused zombie was still bumping into the corner. He was harmless, so I left him alone.
“I need new duds,” my alien buddy said.
Hipster Alien
Alien Jones picked out some hipster wear – a white bucket hat, plaid cargo pants, a muscle shirt and oversized sunglasses.
“What planet are you from?” Blandie asked.
“Oh, it doesn’t really matter,” Alien Jones said as he adjusted his sunglasses. “I doubt you’ve ever heard of it anyway.”
The little green guy punched a button on the space phone and the security gate lifted. A throng of zombies poured in but were instantly vaporized when our tiny protector threw up his force field bubble.
“We only have five minutes,” I explained to Blandie as we ran out of the store. “And whatever you do, DO NOT TOUCH THE BUBBLE!”
Away we went, turning multiple bloodthirsty, brain hungry zombies into mist clouds until we hit the parking lot. Alien Jones’ bubble began to flicker.
“There’s the douche-mobile!” I shouted.
Alien Jones punched a button on his phone and the Compensator’s engine started and the doors unlocked.
“VGRF,” I shouted. “Take the wheel!”
The bubble passed out and so did my alien friend. I scooped him up into the back seat then took the front passenger’s seat. Blandie and Bernie got in the back.
The parking lot was quiet but as soon as VGRF backed the SUV up, zombie heads turned and they all converged on the vehicle.
“BQB you pussy!” Blandie shouted. “You’d let a girl drive?!”
I turned around to face Blandie.
“She’s not just any girl. She’s the Goddamned Number One International Car Thief Mayhem Champion Ten Years in a row.”
I looked at VGRF.
“You got this baby. Punch it!”
The Highest Ranking Car Thief Mayhem Champion in the World
VGRF took off like she was in a stolen car, not just because she was, but because her nimble fingers had played out this scenario on her gaming console millions of times before. She smashed through piles of the undead like they were nothing. Blood and guts sprayed all over the window and she didn’t even flinch. She just sprayed the cleaning fluid and ran the wipers.
She banged a right out of the lot and floored it down the mall access road. Zombies chased along side the SUV, banging on the sides. She swerved right and left, taking them all out.
Full steam ahead, VGRF sailed the big truck at 80 MPH down the road until she came across a gaggle of beasts blocking the way forward. Too thick to slam through, she improvised.
“HANG ON!” my sweetie yelled.
With expert precision, VGRF yanked the emergency hand brake up, swerved out and just barely missed the horde car as she took a right and headed down Main Street.
To our left was a steep hill. More zombies ran down it and flanked the left side of the car.
VGRF rolled her window down and pulled a handgun out of her jacket pocket. She shouted, “BREAK YOSELF, FOOL!” then took them all out.
“BQB?”
“Yeah Bernie?”
“I don’t wanna be rude but your old lady is givin’ me a mad chub right now, B.”
Today’s guest is a bonafide zombie expert, so much so that “Zombie” is his middle name. Joseph “Zombie” Zuko is the author of The Infected Series, as well as the owner of Zombie Camp 17, a zombie themed T-shirt comedy.
To round it all off, he brings his wit and wisdom to the masses with his podcast, Shotgun and Scotch. In his spare time, he studies Krav Maga and works on his fitness to remain in peak zombie fighting condition so as to be prepared to take on the undead hordes at a moment’s notice.
Joe, thanks for taking my call.
Q. I hate to admit it, but I’m out of shape. I’m trapped in a zombie infested mall and just had to drag my friend across a store. Now I’m out of breath and I’m wishing I’d hit the gym more. I noticed on your blog, you talk about Krava Maga and getting “Apocalypse Fit.” It’s too late for me, but do you have any words that could inspire my 3.5 readers to get off their butts, head to the gym, and prepare themselves should a zombie outbreak occur?
Zombie Apocalypse Training
A. “Zombieland” said it best. Cardio! Cardio! Cardio! If you can bench 350 pounds that’s cool, but how long can you run for? Can you run a mile in under ten minutes? Can you run with a backpack on and for how long before you have to sit down, rest and get eaten by a quick moving dead head? Can you do one pull up? If you’re hanging from a ledge over a zombie horde can you pull yourself up to safety?
If the answer is “no” to any of these questions then that’s got to be your motivator. Do you want to live or die? I enjoy feeling strong and healthy. I love knowing I can do twenty pull ups at a time, run a mile in under seven minutes and kick the shit out of most zombies you would come across on the street.
Start simple. Run a mile. Then do it a little faster the next time. Do as many pull ups as you can. If it’s only one then do one and then shoot for more. I also recommend signing up for mud runs, like the Spartan race. That will let you know just how fit you are and what you need to work on. I’ve done two and plan to do one next year and the goal is to get faster and faster. I like to train with a weighted vest on. It adds forty pounds to my body and shows you how long you could run with a backpack on.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: I made my own personal forty pound weighted vest out of Doritos and cheesecake!
Q. How did you end up with “Zombie” as a middle name? I feel like there’s a story there. Did your parents really want you to become a zombie fighter?
A. My folks rolled their eyes when I said that I was going to put that on my books. People love to ask me about zombies all the time. In my group of friends, family and coworkers I am the zombie aficionado. I haven’t seen or read everything out there, but I know more than most and have loved them my whole adult life.
The true story about the name “Zombie” is a little silly. I was driving to work thinking about my first book and worried people wouldn’t know that it was a zombie book without the word zombie on the cover and then it hit me. Give yourself a made up nick name. “Throw the name zombie on there,” I told myself.
What a creepy, weirdo, silly thing to do, right? I had looked over a ton of other author’s book covers and no one had done anything like that as far as I could tell. So I thought it might stick out when a zombie reader is scanning the cover art of what’s out there on the market. I could also be alienating a ton of people with my crazy, made up nickname, but what are you going to do? Screw them if they can’t take a joke. Q. The Infected series begins with Jim Blackmore, an average, regular guy, who finds himself at ground zero of a zombie apocalypse and has to fight his way home to his family. Jim isn’t some totally buff bodybuilder or a superhero with special powers or anything. For readers, he’s pretty relatable isn’t he?
A. When I got started I read a handful of other authors’ works and noticed that there was a trend to focus the story around an ex-military bad ass with tons of guns and fighting experience. Well, I don’t know a ton about guns and I was never in the military so I didn’t want to talk out of my ass when I wrote Jim’s First Day.
I decided to keep it simple and did another weirdo thing and made Jim based on myself. His whole family, job and life experiences are all based on mine. I’d like to think that I’m a relatable husband and father. People have really seemed to respond to that aspect of the books. I really tried to write it from my heart. I love zombies because they scare me so badly and I wanted to share this fear of mine with as many people as I possibly can.
Q. In Book Two, the story continues from the perspective of Jim’s wife, Karen, who’s at home and has to protect her children from becoming zombie chow. That’s a unique idea, to tell a story from two different perspectives. What motivated you to do that?
A. Karen’s character is based on my wonderful loving wife and she told me that I better give Karen as good of a book as I did for Jim. At first it was only going to be a few chapters about Karen and the children having to deal with the start of a zombie apocalypse. Then the story would kick back up again with Jim and his crew. The more I thought about it the more I liked the idea of watching this nightmare unfold through her eyes. She doesn’t have fighting skills or military training and she has to take care of two small children. That’s a terrifying idea and I tried to imagine what would my wife do. It was a very fun book to write and so far the feedback has been amazing. I actually think that the second book is a better story with better characters than the first one. I had worked out what my style was and just let it rip.
Q. Surely you realize Mrs. Zombie Zuko is a saint. I’m doing a mental inventory of all my ex-girlfriends (it’s not that long a list) and I’m pretty sure all of them would have commanded me to “drop the zombie crap” by now.
A. She is a saint and an angel. I met Mrs. Zombie Zuko when I was eighteen. She has been there from the very beginning. We fell in love and bonded over the movie Scream. We were just out of high school when Scream came out on video and we were both obsessed with it. So our relationship started out with us loving horror. We love zombie movies, TV shows and video games and are both looking forward this season of The Walking Dead.
Writing the books was really her idea. We found out about self publishing on Amazon and she told me she thought I could do it, even though I had never written anything with the kind of length a novel would require. She believed in me and cheered me on like I was her local sports team.
I still bounce all of my ideas off of her before I get them down in the computer. She is my zombie muse and it would have been impossible to finish the first book without her pushing me to get it done.
I am very lucky and blessed man to have her in my life. There would be no Joseph “Zombie” Zuko without Katie Zuko.
Q. You go above and beyond when it comes to entertaining your fans. Your site has a photo of you posing with a nasty looking zombie killing weapon and you’ve put out fun videos promoting your books. Do your readers get a kick out of it?
ZUKO’S DAUGHTER: I see a zombie!
ZUKO: No, that’s just a picture of dad in the morning.
A. I think they get that I’m only trying to entertain them and I’m not taking myself too seriously. I enjoy making the videos and want to get across what kind of guy I am. We are here to have fun, right? I would love to make more videos and get to interact with the fans more, but I’m neck deep in the third installment of The Infected: Nightfall. It comes out on Amazon October, 11th 2015. Same night as The Walking Dead premiere of season six.
That saw I’m holding was built for me by my cousin and it is a brutal as it looks. It’s on the cover art for Book 3.
Q. In your first book, you provide a note that your zombie obsession began as a teenager when you first played Resident Evil 2. Admittedly, I lost a lot of my youth to that franchise as well. What is it about that game that inspired a generation of zombie enthusiasts?
A. I had never seen anything like it before. It blew my freaking mind. It was like playing with an interactive movie. The sound design. The graphics. The great zombie scares. Every aspect of it had me hooked. I had never played a game that told that level of story before. You’re a cop that just got to town and you’re trying to figure out what the hell is going on and oh yeah try and survive the night from hell. It was amazing and thrilling. I was the perfect age for it and the movies that followed. I have since become addicted to Left for Dead One and Two and most recently the State of Decay game on Xbox. Plus Sony’s Last of Us was not a typical zombie story but has the same level of WOW that Resident Evil 2 had.
Q. You’re trained in Krav Maga. If one of these zombie jerkfaces makes a move on me, what’s the best move you recommend to take him down?
A. Krav Maga teaches you how to escape a human’s grip, so it focuses a lot on groin strikes and hits to the nose. These moves will have no effect on the dead jerkface so if you are unarmed and zack is coming right for you…kick at its knee. Cripple its zombie ass. One well placed knee strike could send the creep to its belly and then you stomp its brains in or better yet RUN! I always recommend for you to run first and fight second. You don’t want to end up in a zombie’s digestive track.
Q. Joe, thanks for being my Day 8 Zombie Apocalypse advisor. Before I go, do you have any last minute advice that could help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Outbreak?
A. That’s a great question. Read as many zombie books as you possible can. Especially mine. That’s rule number one. They are excellent field guides in how shit can go wrong fast. Each one will give you advice on how to survive and show you the pitfalls that can happen in a zombie outbreak.
Keep your head and keep moving. You stay in a building for too long and you might find yourself surrounded by blood thirsty, meat hungry biters. Learn a martial art. Something that focuses on escaping holds. Run Spartan style races to see how well you can get over an eight-foot wall. Carry knives on you at all time. I always have my Swiss Army knife in one pocket and Gerber lock-blade in the other. You might need to make something, fix something or kill something at a moment’s notice. You don’t want to be armed with a butter knife.
I also recommend keeping a handful of weapons and tools in the trunk of your car. A crowbar, axe, hammer, a few machetes and if you can swing it, a crossbow with a grip of spare bolts to fire. It would cost less then two hundred dollars and increase your chances of survival a hundred fold.
Thank you for the call, Bookshelf Q. Battler. This was awesome and I appreciate being selected for this month of horror. Fall is my favorite time of the year. It gets cold and creepy out and Halloween is the absolute best holiday in my opinion.
Would you agree that it’s an amazing time in the history of zombie entertainment? Books, movies, TV shows and video games all seem to be peaking and it’s only going to get better. Zombies are a simple concept, guy comes back from the dead, feeds on his neighbor and so on and so on, but in that simplicity lies the brilliance of it all.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: It’s a real, zombie renaissance, ZZ. Thanks for stopping by.
3.5 readers, don’t forget, Zombie Zuko’s third book comes out this Sunday!
Video Game Rack Fighter loves to play Car Thief Mayhem
Video Game Rack Fighter was in her element.
She’d hooked up a gaming console to a fifty inch flat screen, moved a couple of bean bag chairs in front of it, and was fielding questions from Alien Jones regarding the finer points of her favorite video game, Car Thief Mayhem.
“You’re operating that stolen vehicle at an inadvisable pace,” Alien Jones said. “You run the risk of injuring one of these pixelized beings and…oh my! There goes an entire gaggle of prostitutes.”
“It’s just make believe,” VGRF said.
“Why would one want to pretend to run over prostitutes?” the Esteemed Brainy one asked.
“I don’t know,” VGRF. “It’s just a game.”
“Are all humans aware this is just a game?” Alien Jones inquired. “Surely there are some slower witted hairless apes who might take this too seriously.”
Bernie walked up with a shotgun.
“Aww sweet, Car Thief Mayhem! I get dibs on next game! I’ma run me over some prostitutes!”
“Case in point,” Alien Jones said.
“Bernie,” I said. “Where the hell did you get that?”
“What, this?” Bernie asked as he cocked his new gat. “God bless America baby! Food, clothes, toys, and guns all under one roof. You want one? This place has a ton of ’em.”
VGRF paused her game.
“Put that away,” she said. “You’re going to hurt someone.”
“Didn’t you just shotgun a bunch of old ladies and steal their Winnebago?” AJ asked.
“Again,” VGRF replied. “It was make believe. I’m not one of the idiots who can’t tell the difference between fantasy and reality.”
“Bernie,” I said. “Show me where you found that. We should all be packing.”
“Hell to the yeah, ‘cuz. I’ma stone cold busta cap in some zombie ass. Blakow!”
“Hold on,” VGRF said. “What if there’s a nice zombie?”
“What?” I asked.
“A nice zombie!” VGRF repeated. “Or a confused, bumbling zombie. No one wants to be a zombie. Should we really just start shooting zombies with reckless abandon if we don’t have to?”
“Check it,” Bernie said. “Zombies ain’t all like the people they used to be and shit, girl. Maybe they used to be nice people but now all they want to do is rip us open, feast on our guts, and turn us into zombies.”
“I don’t know if that’s true,” VGRF said. “Maybe most of them but not all of them. If we can avoid killing them we should.”
For the longest time, BQB believed he was too nerdy to find love. Who’d ever want to be in a relationship with the owner of a blog that only has 3.5 readers?
That all changed when he went on an epic quest to discover the meaning of life and met Victoria Gloria Somersby Stratenhaus, aka Video Game Rack Fighter.
It was love at first sight and they’ve been together ever since. They have so much in common that it is uncanny.
Similarities include:
BQB owns a magic bookshelf that brings literary characters to life. VGRF once claimed to own a magic video game rack that brings video game characters to life, though SPOILER ALERT later admitted she made it all up as an escape from the hum drum doings of everyday life. Try not to judge her though. BQB didn’t.
BQB is the assistant to the assistant of the vice president of corporate assistance for Beige Corp, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories. VGRF is the assistant to the assistant of the vice president for corporate assistance for Drying Paint Media, the number one streaming media site for films of paint drying on walls. By day, they both go to their appointed boring jobs. By night, BQB pursues his dream of becoming a published author while VGRF designs video games of her own.
Their pets include Bookshelf Q. Battledog and Video Game Rack Fighter Cat
BQB’s arch nemesis is the Yeti. VGRF’s enemy is the Sasquatch.
Among her many achievements, Ms. Fighter is the current world reigning champion of the uber violent video game, Car Thief Mayhem.
Uncle Hardassimo “Hardass” K. Scrambler
While alive, Uncle Hardass’ favorite past times included 1) working at the salt mines (as in he actually dug salt out of the Earth for Salt Mines, Inc.) and 2) complaining about anything and everything.
Mr. Scrambler despises writers, decrying them with chants of, “Oooo! La dee da! Look at me! I’m a writer! I have thoughts and opinions the world needs to hear! SHUT UP AND GET A JOB AT THE SALT MINES, HIPPY!”
Invariably, Uncle Hardass’ advice for anyone’s problems is to get a job at the salt mines.
Sadly, Mr. Scrambler died of a massive heart attack several years back, which he claimed with his last dying breath was the result of his intense disappointment with his nephew’s decision to pursue a writing career.
BQB disputes that and argues it was the result of a life long love affair with baloney sandwiches.
Either way, BQB was not freed of his uncle’s constant tirades. Uncle Hardass’ ghost haunts the halls of BQB HQ today.
Oddly, despite Mr. Scrambler’s hatred of writing, he regularly writes a column entitled “Things That Really Frost My Ass” which is more or less a laundry list of crap that is bothering the old timer at any given moment.
AUNT GERTIE
Aunt Gertie had been one of BQB’s 3.5 readers for awhile, though she recently quit, calling her nephew’s blog too pedestrian. After Uncle Hardass’ death, she moved to the Decrepit Oaks Elderly Living Center, on the auspices that she needed help with the daily chores of life, but in actuality, to meet old dudes to get jiggy with.
BOOKSHELF BATTLE HEADQUARTERS
Uncle Hardass left explicit instructions in his will that his modest colonial style house was to be blown up rather than be left to his incompetent good for nothing wannabe writer nephew, Bookshelf Q. Battler.
Always the pushover, Gertie ignored her late husband’s wishes and gave the home to BQB anyway.
Upon taking ownership, BQB used the power of his magic bookshelf to construct large fortress like walls around his aunt and uncle’s formerly modest home.
His neighbors consider BQB HQ to be a real eyesore, petitioning frequently to have it torn down. The Mayor of BQB’s hometown (East Randomtown) ignores them, as he believes BQB’s blog is the only claim to fame his town will ever have.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLEDOG
He may not look like much on the outside, but BQBD is a killer attack papillon, who to date, has eaten over twenty intruders alive. He serves as the Chief of Security of Bookshelf Battle Headquarters.
By: Video Game Rack Fighter, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Video Game Reviewer/BQB’s Main Squeeze
What’s up, 3.5 readers?
Finally! BQB allows someone with an extra X chromosome to get a word in edgewise around here.
Between BQB, the Yeti, the Ghost of Uncle Hardass, and Dr. Hugo Von Science, it’s a total sausage fest up in this place.
I’ll exclude Alien Jones for obvious reasons.
Let’s talk about the latest attempt at a movie based on the long running video game franchise, Hitman.
FYI – this review is going to have some KILLER SPOILERS!
(Ha! See what I did there?)
Hitman: Agent 47 – Twentieth Century Fox
In the games, you play Agent 47, a cunning, coldblooded killing machine, completely devoid of feeling or remorse.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: Kind of like VGRF that time I ate her twizzlers.
Do you mind?
The games present a very chilling version of 47. He has an expressionless face and a deep, scary voice.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: Kind of like VGRF that time…
Shut up!
Anyway, the games are such a hit because there is so much strategy involved. As Agent 47, you work for, “The Agency” and you’re assigned a target to assassinate.
Don’t worry. The target is usually a bad guy who’s done something assassination worthy and often, the Agency will call on “The Hitman” to cross some line. He refuses and ends up taking on his bosses.
The player has a variety of choices. There are subtle ways to take out the mark, like poisoning his food, injection with a syringe, strangling with a garrote wire, setting up a trap (i.e. rigging a chandelier or something heavy to fall on his squash) or, if you aren’t up for any of that, you can just break out 47’s trademark dual pistols, the “Silver Ballers” and start racking up the body count.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: This is why I sleep with one eye open.
While this video game series is superb, Agent 47 is not a character that translates well to the big screen.
When I say that the video game 47 is completely devoid of personality, I mean he’s really devoid of personality. There’s just nothing there, and nothing that keeps him from feeling bad about the things that he does, and that’s why he’s such an eerie anti-hero to control.
Try as they might to avoid it, every actor has some personality, even if they try to stifle it for the role. Timothy Olyphant tried in a 2007 long forgotten version simply titled Hitman and while this latest effort brings more style and panache, it too I fear is destined for the 99 cent bin.
Rupert Friend, who you may know as Quinn, Carrie’s post-Brody love interest on Homeland, provides a more believable tour of duty as our favorite Hitman than Olyphant did. If you ask me, Olyphant is such a likable guy that it was a mistake to cast him for that role.
There was a more concerted effort to pay homage to video game fans with this one. Friend breaks out the silver ballers and the garrote wire.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: Hon, I just feel you’re too comfortable using the words “garrote wire.”
.And just like the VG version of 47, Friend grabs various uniforms to use to blend in and escape.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: Because that would totally work.
Do you just want to write this then? Huh? Sheesh.
Friend also attempts to mimic a stoic 47-esque voice. Sometimes he hits the mark, other times he misses it.
Gamers will also be pleased to see that 47’s handler, Diana, also drops in. She’s played by the actress, “Angelababy.”
Isn’t that just an adorable name? “Hi. I’m Angelababy.” Love it.
The plot? That’s the other reason why it’s hard to turn this franchise into a movie. The plot of the video games is to kill, kill, kill.
Here, the film follows a plot to capture Litvenko (aka Ciaran Hinds aka Mance Raider from Game of Thrones.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: OMG! I love Game of Thrones.
Tell us something we don’t know.
Litvenko was the man who began an assassin development program, conditioning people like 47 to kill in a brutally efficient manner.
After deciding he wanted nothing more to do with the program, he took off, but now the bad guys want him to produce more hitmen.
So, to get to him, they want to kidnap Litvenko’s daughter, Katia aka Hannah Ware.
There’s a face-off between 47 and Agent John Smith aka Zachary Quinto, who plays Mr. Spock in the JJ Abrams Star Trek reboot.
Both agents claim to have Hannah’s best interests at heart, but only one does. I’ll let you figure out who it is.
Oh, and I don’t want to give too much away, but it turns out Hannah doesn’t need that much protecting.
To wrap this up, it’s better than the first movie, but that’s not saying much. As a fan of the series, I appreciate the nods to gamers, but overall, this one fell flat.
Worth a rental, but don’t rush out to the theater.
The dog days of summer are here, and unfortunately, this is the first of many dog movies to come.
Hey parents! Remember all those video games you loved as a kid?
Well, they’re so old that they’ve become quaint!
Bookshelf Q. Battler here with a review of Adam Sandler’s action movie for kids, Pixels.
Even Pac-Man couldn’t gobble up the oncoming SPOILERS fast enough.
Movie Trailer – Pixels – Sony
Sometimes it’s hard to be Adam Sandler.
He wowed people in the 90’s with hits like Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison. Those are two films that are still quotable today.
(You’ve never told someone something they just said made no sense and everyone is now dumber for having heard it?)
But then he made a slew of lesser films that fell flat and now he’s the point where everyone expects his movies will suck.
To his credit, this one didn’t.
If you’re looking for highbrow entertainment, then you’ll probably think it does.
If you’re a parent looking for a movie to bring your kids to that won’t bore you to tears, then you’ll enjoy it.
As kids, Sandler (Brenner), Kevin James (Cooper), Josh Gad (Ludlow), and Peter Dinklage (Eddie) once competed in a 1980’s video game tournament.
Back in those days, the lads thought the world would one day be their oyster. Alas, they find life pretty disappointing as adults.
Brenner, who once dreamed of becoming a tech genius works at a Best Buy-esque home TV installation company. Ludlow has become a wacky conspiracy theorist who still lives with his grandma and Eddie? I won’t spoil it for you.
The only one who had life go his way was Cooper, but I won’t spoil that for you either.
Needless to say, the buddies who once believed their video game skills were useless in the real world become the world’s only hope when aliens attack using video game warfare.
Turns out, aliens aren’t that bright. (Don’t tell Alien Jones).
Footage of the video game tournament was sent to outer space as an example of Earth culture in the hopes that friendly aliens would discover it. Alas, the aliens take it as a challenge and develop real life versions of 1980’s video games to attack Earth.
Completely silly I know, but you’ll enjoy the special effects as Brenner and friends take on Centipede, Pac-Man, Donkey Kong and so on.
There’s plenty of celebrity appearances. Brian Cox plays a cranky American general and Sean Bean plays his British counterpart. Michelle Monaghan plays Brenner’s love interest/Army inventor of anti-alien video game technology.
Josh Gad steals the show with his antics until Dinklage steals it from him with his obnoxious, egotistical character.
Q-Bert becomes the Jar Jar Binks of the film but that’s besides the point.
Will you, as once said to Happy Madison, be dumber for watching this movie? Maybe. But if you suspend disbelief and silence your inner critic, you’ll be entertained.
But if you can remember a time when arcades were fun and popular, then you might want to skip it because you’ll be left feeling old…unless you’re feeling nostalgic.
Greetings Earth Losers! A Happy Sunday to you all and thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules of Comic Con Cosplay to read this fine column.
(Sorry, but all 3.5 of you can’t be Daenerys Targaryen. 2.5 of you are going to have to change.)
Huzzah! My favorite Game of Thrones character is doing great and…uh oh.
Speaking of, Bookshelf Q. Battler, a Game of Thrones fanboy if there ever was one, not only plotzed, but passed out and had to be resuscitated by the Yeti when he received this tweet:
@bookshelfbattle I'd like to submit one of my books for battle against a classic….
Yes, that’s none other than Justin Sloan, a writer for Telltale Games, who’s worked on the Game of Thrones video game, as well as Tales from the Borderlands.
He’s an optioned screen writer, a USMC veteran, and a recent guest on the Self Publishing Podcast with Johnny, Sean and Dave:
BQB informs me he enjoyed that podcast thoroughly, because it explains how one author managed to rise above the odds and land a sweet, sweet career as video game writer. You don’t get there without rolling up your sleeves and putting a little elbow grease in, folks, and Justin can certainly attest to that.
(Plus, Dave doesn’t even complain about the lousy service at Target and Olive Garden once in the entire show.)
Teddy Bears in Monsterland
Anyway, long story short, BQB reached out to Justin to inform him he enjoyed his appearance on SPP and Justin, class act that he is, requested that one of his books be pitted against a classic on bookshelfbattle.com
After reviewing Justin’s Amazon Author Page, I, Alien Jones, humble intergalactic correspondent, will now pit one of his works against a classic and decide which one is better.
Teddy Bears in Monsterland vs. Hamlet
Hamlet. It’s considered by scholars of English literature to be the quintessential piece of writing that everyone should read at least once in their lifetime.
It’s routinely assigned in high school English classes and actors believe it is a great achievement when cast in a production of the Bard’s seminal work.
But, it’s severely lacking in the teddy bears vs. monsters department.
I’ve studied the entire play and not once do I see:
POLONIUS: Come come, my son, for your ship doth prepare to embark and thou hast yet to encounter a teddy bear with magical powers.
LAERTES: Fi on thee, oh father! For I hath witnessed many bow tied teddy bears able to harness the power of the supernatural for the purposes of dispatching monsters most foul!
A great oversight on Shakespeare’s part, if you ask me. I don’t know how he wasn’t laughed out of the industry for such an epic fail.
As an alien being with a superior intellect (which doesn’t take much when you’re around humans), I’m fairly certain Back by Sunrise would soundly defeat The Chronicles of Narnia. Really, all a competitor has to do is offer Edmund a piece of candy and he’ll gladly sell out his entire family.
Are you an aspiring scribe? Justin has some books about writing that you might want to check out as well.
Finally, and avert your eyes Game of Thrones fans if you don’t want to read a SPOILER but, come on Justin. Seriously. What’s next for Jon Snow? Is there a resurrection afoot? Maybe the Red Woman works a little hocus pocus? Perhaps a little eye of newt gets dropped into a potion and Jon’s back to his old mopey know nothing self again?
Come on. Spill the beans. The secret will be safe here. Only 3.5 people read this blog anyway, and one of them is Bookshelf Q. Battler’s aunt.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have an inquiry for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle or leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, or other project in his answer.
Green alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
PREVIOUSLY ON BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE…
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AND NOW BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE CONTINUES…
“She’s insane,” I said to the world’s greatest detective as he stepped out of my carry on bag and onto my tray table.
“Poppycock!” Holmes said. “She is a Video Game Rack Fighter! You are a Bookshelf Battler! You two were meant to be!”
Holmes suspects Vicky’s on the level, that she is, in fact, a Video Game Rack Fighter…
“I KNOW I am a Bookshelf Battler, but I only have her word that she’s a Video Game Rack Fighter,” I replied. “Carrying around beloved video game characters Carmine and Giuseppe in her purse? Please.”
“Might I remind you that you are carrying two of the fiction world’s foremost investigators in your carry on bag?” Holmes asked.
Watson popped out of my bag and started in on me.
“Mr. Bookshelf,” Watson said. “Your magical bookshelf is truly an awe inspiring mystery. But it never once occurred to you that there may be other enchanted media storage spaces out there?”
“Never crossed my mind,” I said.
“There’s only one way to solve this,” Holmes said as he leaped across the divide between my table and Vicky’s, then climbed into her open purse.
I looked over at Vicky. She was fast asleep. Her mouth was wide open, a little drop of drool pouring out the side. She was a light snorer. It was adorable. I had it bad.
“What are you doing?!” I asked.
“I shall simply locate the Sterotypical Italian Contractors and if they are real then Ms. Stratenhaus is telling the truth!”
“You can’t just go through her purse!” I said.
“Don’t worry!” Holmes said. “I am a detective!”
Holmes rumbled around inside the bag, then huffed and puffed as he struggled to pull out a very small, stiff and silent Carmine, only to drop him on the table in a haphazard manner.
“Careful Holmes!” Watson said. “You’ll give him a concussion!”
“You there!” Holmes said as he poked the tiny Carmine in the shoulder. “Borderline racist stereotype of an Italian contractor! Wake up, sir! You are among friends and no harm shall come of you!”
Carmine just laid there silently with a blank look on his face and a big smile. He wore his trademark overalls and ball cap. His face was mostly obscured by a big bushy beard.
“Are you deaf, man?” Holmes asked. “Wake up, I say!”
Watson jumped over to Vicky’s table, produced a tiny rubber mallet from his pocket, and lightly tapped Carmine’s knee with it. The most beloved video game character of all time refused to budge.
“Curious,” Watson said. “Either he’s quite adept at playing dead or he has terrible reflexes.”
“Put him back before she wakes up!” I said.
Holmes and Watson heaved Carmine back into Vicky’s bag, then returned to my tray table.
…BQB, on the other hand, opines that Vicky is one card short of a full deck. If he’s the only one with a magic media storage space, then Vicky must just be some kook who thinks her action figures are real…
“See?” I asked. “She talks to toys. She’s nuts.”
“Inconclusive!” Holmes said.
“How is that inconclusive?” I asked. “You whipped out Carmine and he didn’t move at all. He’s clearly just a toy.”
“We’ve all been examined by your Aunt hundreds of times,” Holmes said. “We remain perfectly still. You are the only human we’ve ever revealed our true natures to, and I’d imagine that Ms. Stratenhaus’ video game friends feel the same way towards her.”
“This is going to be a long flight,” I said.
“Precisely the reason why we should be watching Pootie Tang!”
Will BQB ever learn the meaning of life? Is Vicky really a video game rack fighter or is she nutsy cuckoo?
And will Holmes ever get to watch Pootie Tang?
Find out as BQB and the Meaning of Life continues…
Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life 2015. All Rights Reserved.
For me life is continuously being hungry. The meaning of life is not simply to exist, to survive, but to move ahead, to go up, to achieve, to conquer.”
– Arnold Schwarzenegger, Action Movie Star/Former Governor/Elderly Austrian
That quote would probably carry more weight had old Arnie not had a fling with his maid but aside from that, the sentiment still works.
Have you been enjoying BQB and the Meaning of Life, 3.5 readers? The past few parts have been quite eventful. We learned Bookshelf Q. Battler’s real name (Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein – don’t tell his enemies!) and sparks are flying between BQB and VGRF.
I have to wait HOW LONG for BQB and the Meaning of Life to come back?!
Take a break and catch up on your reading. There will be a pop quiz later.
Bookshelf Battle 