Bookshelf Q. Battler – By day, he’s the Assistant to the Assistant of the Vice-President of Corporate Assistance of Beige Corp, the World’s Premiere Producer of Beige Products and Accessories. By night, he’s the caretaker of a magical bookshelf frequented by tiny literary characters who constantly try to blow up BQB HQ.
These nerds have so much in common it’s uncanny. BQB’s head of security is Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog. VGRF’s head of security is Video Game Rack Fighter Cat.
Alas, BQB is afraid to open up to his newfound nerd friend, but perhaps that will change as our hero’s story continues.
Love is in the air for this nerdtastic duo. Will it last with the strength of BQB’s one post a day for a year challenge or will it fizzle out and become as boring as one of Drying Paint Media’s videos?
What do you think, 3.5 readers? Do these poindexters have what it takes?
The paparazzi’s already referring to them as “BQBVGRF.” Catchy, isn’t it?
For me life is continuously being hungry. The meaning of life is not simply to exist, to survive, but to move ahead, to go up, to achieve, to conquer.”
– Arnold Schwarzenegger, Action Movie Star/Former Governor/Elderly Austrian
That quote would probably carry more weight had old Arnie not had a fling with his maid but aside from that, the sentiment still works.
Have you been enjoying BQB and the Meaning of Life, 3.5 readers? The past few parts have been quite eventful. We learned Bookshelf Q. Battler’s real name (Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein – don’t tell his enemies!) and sparks are flying between BQB and VGRF.
I have to wait HOW LONG for BQB and the Meaning of Life to come back?!
Take a break and catch up on your reading. There will be a pop quiz later.
Does this mean by Jon Snow action figure goes up in value?
Quite a surprise ending for Season 5, wasn’t it?
I’ve finally processed my grief and am now able to talk about it but first, let’s talk about real life.
That’s right. I’m talking about the life outside of Game of Thrones, the one without the dragons, or the Khaleesi, or the epic battles or a functionally alcoholic dwarf who manages to save the day despite his ennui.
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”
That’s an old cliche, isn’t it? It holds up though. So many of us work our little butts off. We toil away, we make goals, figure out the steps we need to take to work towards them and do what we can to achieve them.
Sometimes things work out for us. Other times, and usually more often than not, we fall flat on our faces.
3.5 readers, who among you has locked up your emotions with a significant other you trusted not to screw you over? Surely, at least one of you convinced yourself your girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, partner, whatever was “the one” and you built your life around said individual.
Maybe you were planning to get married or hell, maybe you DID get married. God, maybe you even brought kids into the world with this person. Or maybe you didn’t. Maybe you just walked around telling your friends and family what a reliable, dependable person this guy or gal was.
Then one day…boom! Gone.
POSSIBLE BREAK-UP LINES USED ON YOU:
It’s not you, it’s me.
It was you all along.
I hate your face.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.
TEXT MESSAGE: U IZ DUMPD
TWEET: #UIZDUMPD
FACEBOOK: You’re dumped. Here’s a funny cat video I hope will help you get through it.
Forget relationships. Maybe you’re career aspirations did not go how you planned them. You went to college, selected a major, gained useful experience and boom! You’re riding the pine on the ‘rents’ couch because the economy stinks worse than a wookie during mating season on Kashyyyk.
Maybe everything did go right. Maybe you did find that awesome job and that awesome significant other.
Maybe one day you’re walking across the street, you’re thinking, “Wow, everything sure did work out for me and OH NO! A damn Mac Truck just ran over my face.”
Life. Whether it’s romance or careers or dreams, there’s just no guarantee of success and everything can go turn to crap in an instant.
Now, add in the dragons, and the sword fights, and the Khaleesi and you have Game of Thrones, a fantasy show that is as close as a program can get to real life and still feature a red headed witch with the ability to push smokey ghost assassins out of her cooter.
Attorney Donnelly preemptively apologizes to anyone offended by my use of the word “cooter.” Also, please read Pop Culture Mysteries. I’m pretty proud of that one.
In real life, there’s what you wanted to happen AND what did happen.
I, your illustrious blog host Bookshelf Q. Battler, will now analyze the past season/final episode with through those two points of view.
SPOILER WARNING!!!! DON’T READ IF YOU DON’T WANT ANYTHING SPOILED!
GAME OF THRONES – HBO – SEASON 5 TRAILER – THE WHEEL
THE BIG SURPRISE – JON SNOW
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN – Jon Snow to continue into the next season as the man standing between Westeros and the White Walkers.
WHAT DID HAPPEN – The Night’s Watch turned on their leader in a big way.
Jon Snow was named Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch this season. His men grumbled about his decisions but they also gave every indication of, “Well, this is a military organization so we have to follow orders even when they piss us off.”
Jon grew so much this season, moving from dopey pretty boy to battle hardened leader. He made a tough call with the Wildlings.
The Night’s Watch Brothers are understandably unhappy with the decision to save the Wildlings. These are people who have killed several brothers as well as innocent bystanders – men, women and children. Sure, the Wildlings’ reasoning is, “Hey! You put up a big ass wall and locked us out of the Kingdom!” but the justification is, “Of course we did! You guys are a bunch of aholes and are basically snow covered Dothraki!”
SIDE NOTE: The genius of the books/series is that nothing is ever black and white. George RR provides reasoning and justification for why every characters acts the way that they do, even the worst ones. Their actions aren’t necessarily right, but you’re left with an understanding of the events that led to a person becoming an evil jerkface.
I get that no character is safe but so much was built up around Jon snow:
You know nothing – Am I the only one who thought all of those, “You know nothing, Jon Snows” would eventually lead to a big reveal where Jon Snow would learn something, whatever it was that he was supposed to know?
Jon Snow’s Mother – (Possible Big Spoiler) – In the first season, we learn that Ned brought baby Jon Snow back to Winterfell, a bastard he had with some allegedly random hussy because while he loved Cat and all, he thought he was going to die during Robert’s Rebellion so he might as well get a little somethin’ somethin’ on the side and woops! We won the war! Guess Ned has some ‘splaining to do.
Ned tells Jon he’ll fill him in on his mother one day. Will we ever find out who Jon’s mother is now? Will it matter if/when we do?
There’s been a long bandied about theory (POSSIBLE BIG SPOILER!) that Jon was not actually Ned’s kid but rather, was the love child of Lyanna Stark (Ned’s sister betrothed to Robert Baratheon) and Rhaegar Targaryen, that Lyanna wasn’t actually kidnapped but in fact, she ran away willingly with Rhaegar and as a Targaryen, Jon had the closest link to the throne and Ned felt the need to protect his nephew from Robert by claiming him as a bastard, even if that meant enduring Cat’s constant, “Waah waah Ned cheated on me while he was at war” complaints.
Is that theory possible? Who knows now but here’s a question – was noble Ned really the cheating type?
This is what George RR does and does best. He builds up our hopes and dreams. Like Lucy from Peanuts, he holds that damn football. Like the gullible Charlie Brown, the dumb audience comes running up to kick that football and then bam, George, like Lucy, pulls that football away. He does it every time and we keep watching because in many ways, those big shockers make for thrilling television.
GRRM did it with Rob Stark, when the Young Wolf won battle after battle against the Lannisters only to be gutted at the Red Wedding. He did it with Prince Oberyn when we were led to believe that the Viper had bested the Mountain only to gloat just a little too early. And now he’s done it with Jon Snow.
Sure, Jon’s untimely demise made for a big “HOLY CRAP” moment but whether or not it pans out as a good decision for the series remains to be seen. After all, we invested a lot in Jon Snow. Aside from the Khaleesi and Tyrion, he was pretty much the last good guy worth rooting for.
Sam’s a fun character but will it be as invigorating to watch him stand between Westeros and the White Walkers? Will we cheer on the Night’s Watch when they betrayed their Lord Commander? Seriously, other than Dany, who’s left to like now?
SIDE NOTE: In keeping with the GOT = Real Life argument, keep in mind at this point, the more likely outcome is not that Dany swoops into Westeros and saves the day but rather, that the Whitewalkers just take over the entire fantasy world and have a great undead time into all eternity. I can honestly see GRRM taking that approach, can’t you?
CERSEI
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: Cersei refuses to confess. Tommen grows a pair and sends the army to retrieve his wife, mother and brother-in-law.
WHAT DID HAPPEN: Tommen reverts to being an indecisive wuss. Cersei confesses, goes on the worst walk of shame ever and still has to undergo a trial anyway.
Cersei’s the character fans love to hate. The running pattern in the show is that she concocts these schemes, thinks she’s so clever and then her plans backfire royally. That happened again this season. By giving the High Sparrow the power of a religious army, she thought she’d developed her own personal hit squad to take out her enemies, namely the Tyrells.
It all backfired when the High Sparrow turned on her and locked her up.
Cersei’s done a lot of bad things to good people (most notably Ned) but on the other hand, that whole “walk of shame” scene was sad to watch and surely it would be a painful experience for anyone to go through.
Hat’s off to Lena Headey. I’m sure walking around in the buff whilst surrounded by throngs of fantasy peasant extras spitting on you, throwing garbage and uh, other substances at you and hurling insults was no easy feet.
SIDENOTE: Remember how Lady Stoneheart was axed from the series, that the idea was a little farfetched? But uh, Frankenmountain isn’t? Clyburn introducing his “creation” kind of blew the end of that very powerful walk of shame scene. The emotion was raw and real and then it went basically went to a Frankenstein monster to defend Cersei’s honor.
JAIME/MYRCELLA – I’m going to rush through this one. I wanted Myrcella to live because, hey, she’s just a kid. Why punish her when she didn’t do anything? Alas, Jaime gets that briefest of father/daughter moments before seeing his offspring die due to Ellaria’s treachery. Prince Doran won’t be happy.
STANNIS/SANSA/REEK/BOLTONS/RED WOMAN
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: Stannis ousts the Boltons, frees Sansa. Sansa finally gets to have somewhat of a normal existence where she isn’t a captive or a torture victim.
WHAT DID HAPPEN: As often happens in real life, the bad guys aka the Boltons, won.
Perhaps GRRM’s intent in having Stannis sacrifice Shireen was to turn him from good to bad guy, thus leaving the audience pleased at his defeat.
Stannis started out in the series as the ruthless “win at all costs” warrior, too blindly devoted to the Red Woman, willing to even kill his own brother (through the above mentioned cooter delivered smoke ghost assassin) to get what he wants.
But then Stannis scored points and his stock rose. He was the only one to respond to the Night’s Watch calls for help, bringing his men to save the day during the Wildling attack. He told Shireen that she was a princess and that he had always seen to it that she’d be treated accordingly despite her ailment.
GRRM convinced us. Go Stannis. Kick out the dastardly Boltons. Punish them for their betrayal of the Starks. Save Sansa.
Alas, then there was what happened to Shireen and well, the battle became a conflict between two aholes (Bolton vs. Baratheon) and as often happens in life, you were left tepidly rooting for the lesser of two aholes.
What about Lady Melisandre? Some powerful acting there. She presents herself as the consummate, unshaken true believer in the Lord of Light yet when the audience learns half of Stannis men have fled with the horses, you can see the look of defeat in her eyes.
Here’s a question – would you keep fighting for a guy who cooked his daughter alive? Could that have been a big reason why his troops skeedaddled?
SIDENOTE: Will the Red Woman resurrect Jon Snow? Tough call.
1) We’re not sure if she can. Sometimes it is implied that she’s full of shit. She might have no magic power and all she does is pull creepy sayings out of her ass, throw a few powders into the fire, put on a little show and then she has the patronage and support of a rich royal family. She all but said that in a prior episode.
2) But she might be able do. I mean, hell, the woman did push a smokey ghost assassin out of her cooter, so bringing a dead man back to life should be a piece of cake.
3) Kit Harington, the actor who played Jon Snow, has already said in interviews that Jon isn’t coming back. I mean, that still doesn’t mean it’s impossible but it’s something to keep in mind. (Would an actor say, “Oh yeah! Don’t worry! The Red Woman will bring me back!” if that was going to happen?)
Still, I kind of doubt that’s going to happen.
SANSA AND REEK – Hey um, I’m surprised I’m the only one asking this, but are they dead? They’re pretty much dead, aren’t they?
The show runners were made a point to show the viewer just how tall that damn wall was, that there weren’t any beds of feathers or wagons full of pillows waiting at the bottom, and we even saw a person fall to her death from the inner side so…Sansa and Reek jumped just after Sansa declared she’d rather die than be tortured any more so uh….I don’t know. I fail to see how they’d of survived that fall but we didn’t see any bodies so I guess we wait until next season.
I have to say if Sansa dies it will be yet another, “God damn it. Another character I rooted for taken from me.”
ARYA
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: Arya continues her training
WHAT DID HAPPEN: Arya goes blind. I don’t know why. The Faceless Men have rules and she broke them.
THE KHALEESI
WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN: I wanted a damn explanation as to how the Khaleesi’s buddies survived the Sons of the Harpy attack after being abandoned by their Queen when she went on a dragon joyride. Also, I wanted her to return and continue to lead her army into Westeros, since now, without Jon Snow, she’s pretty much that continent’s only hope.
WHAT DID HAPPEN: The Khaleesi is captured by the Dothraki and this time does not have Khal Drogo to protect her. Hopefully, Mormont and Daario will find her in time.
But keep in mind, we’re onto your tricks, GRRM. We won’t be surprised if you have the Khaleesi get burned up by one of her dragons or killed by the Dothraki or something.
Hell, just give the Iron Throne to Sam Tarly or Hodor and be done with it.
Real life? You never get what you want and that’s why you never get what you want on this show either.
Our noble hero Bookshelf Q. Battler is on an epic quest in search of the meaning of life. Along the way, he’s assisted by super detectives Holmes and Watson and even finds a love interest in Victoria Gloria Somersby Stratenhaus, a geeky female video game enthusiast.
Read Parts 1-5
Read Parts 6-13
Read Part 14 Read Part 15
Read Part 15 Read Part 16
Read Part 18
“You still haven’t told me how you ended up on a trip to Pango-Tango,” I said.
“Oh right,”Vicky replied.“Steve told me that I’d discover the path toward the meaning of life in a most annoying manner.”
“Did he now?”I asked.
“He sure did,”Vicky said.“And wouldn’t you know it, a few days later, I’m recovering in my house when all of a sudden, my cat starts meowing at the TV and low and behold, a news story about the Great Guru of Pango-Tango comes on!”
“That’s….that is…I’m speechless.”
“I know, right?”
I opened up my bag and looked at Holmes.He looked up at me and silently mouthed the words “tell her!”
I shut the bag.
“Sounds like you’ve been through a lot,” I said.
“I have,” Vicky said.“And to think, I’d of never experienced any of it had I not been woken up at 3 a.m.”
“What woke you up that early?”I asked as I took a sip of generic brand cola.
“The tiny video game characters who live on my magic video game rack,”Vicky said.
I did a spit take.I thought spit takes were only for cheesey comedies.I was wrong.
“Are you ok?”Vicky asked, patting me on the back.
“Yeah,”I said.“Yeah, I’m fine.Just went down the wrong pipe.I’m sorry.You said something about a magic video game
Victoria Gloria Somersby Stratenhaus CODE NAME: Video Game Rack Fighter (Seen here with her contacts in)
rack?”
I took another sip of soda.
“Yes,”Vicky said.“In fact, I should tell you that Vicky is only my given name.My chosen name is Video Game Rack Fighter.”
Another spit take.
“Wow,”Vicky said.“I think you’re developing a bit of a drinking problem there, buddy.”
“Yeah,”I said.“Yeah I think I’m going to lay off the generic brand cola for now.Video Game what?”
“Video Game Rack Fighter,”Vicky said.“I own a magic video game rack.For some odd reason unbeknownst to me, any time I put a video game on my rack, the characters in the game come to life and battle one another over the limited space on my rack.I try to tell them there’s plenty of room and they don’t need to worry about me throwing any of their games away, but they refuse to listen.”
“I imagine that can be very stressful,” I said.
“It is,”Vicky said.“They’re always tearing my house apart.They never listen to a word I say.Just the other day I had to yell at the War Shooter soldiers to stop shooting at my copy Interplanetary Roleplayer.”
“Must be nice to get away for awhile then,” I said.
“It is,”Vicky said.“I’m a little worried they’ll run up a big pay per view bill while I’m gone, but all in all, it should be alright.I left Video Game Rack Fighter Cat in charge.”
“Video Game Rack Fighter Cat?” I asked.
“My head of security,” Vicky replied. “I like to think of my house as a headquarters where I’m safe from my enemies.”
Video Game Rack Fighter Cat, Head of Security VGRF HQ
“You have enemies?” I asked.
“Mostly a damn sasquatch I keep locked in my basement,” Vicky said. “He keeps trying to stop me from being awesome but I defeat him at every turn.”
I faked a yawn and stretched.I wasn’t tired, but I was at the end of my ability to listen to all the amazing similarities we shared. My heart told me to share my story but my brain got in the way.
“Vicky,”I said.“I hope you don’t mind, but I need a little nap.”
“That’s a good idea,”Vicky said as she tucked a pillow underneath her head.“I’m exhausted from yelling at Giuseppe and Carmine anyway.”
“Yelling at who?”I asked.
“Giuseppe and Carmine”Vicky said.“You know, the small characters that popped out of my copy of Stereotypical Italian Contractors. They snuck into my bag even though I expressly told them not to come.That’s what I was doing in the bathroom all the time.I was chewing them out royally.”
“Oh,”I said.
“You must think I’m crazy,”Vicky said as she closed her eyes.
“No,”I said.“Not at all.”
“I can’t believe I told you all this but you just seem like a real trustworthy guy””
Vicky closed her eyes.
“I hope you’re still here when I wake up, Ed,”Vicky said.“It’s been fun talking to you.”
Coming Soon to the Bookshelf Battle Blog – “What’s on Vicky’s Rack?” An exciting video game review column by Video Game Rack Fighter! (Yeah, it’s a working title. We know how it sounds.)
More BQB and the Meaning of Life to come!
Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015. All Rights Reserved.
Video game playing woman, cat, and sasquatch images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
Liddie Laurent, 1940’s Starlet of Stage and Screen
LIDDIE: Darling 3.5 readers! How lovely for you to be here today! I’m positively…no, this won’t do at all. Cease production posthaste!
DIRECTOR: CUT! What’s wrong, Liddie?
LIDDIE: I do not understand this scene at all, Mr. Chesterfield. This role is dreadful! Someone get my agent on the telephone machine immediately!
DIRECTOR: It’s just a commercial, Liddie.
LIDDIE: A commercial? A COMMERCIAL! Sir, I’ll have you know I was the leading lady in One Kiss Till Midnight and yet you’d think so little of a performer of my talents as to subject me to a life of hawking toothpaste and toiletries to the cheap and tawdry masses?
DIRECTOR: It’s not a commercial for toothpaste and toiletries.
LIDDIE: It might as well be! This is how it starts you know. One minute I’m the star of Tap Dance to Toolaroo and the next minute I’m peddling television dinners for lowly house fraus too lazy to cook for their husbands!
DIRECTOR: Come on Liddie, get it together. All right, people! Let’s take it from the top. In 3…
LIDDIE: Oh I simply cannot work under these conditions! The complaint I shall file on this production with the Thespian’s Society shall be copious and voluminous and another thing…
DIRECTOR: …2…1…ACTION!
LIDDIE: Darling 3.5 readers! How lovely for you to be here today! I’m positively delighted to see you. Come closer so I might tell you the wonderful news. Pop Culture Mysteries is available on Wattpad. Now, you’ll have a second option to…no. No! No! NO! This simply will not do Mr. Chesterfield!
DIRECTOR: CUT! Liddie, what now?
LIDDIE: “Wattpad?” What in the name of the Kaiser’s pointy helmet is a Wattpad? This is gibberish sir! I don’t know who the charlatan is who wrote this rubbish but whoever he is he should be put back on the hobo train from whence he came, never to darken my doorstep again!
DIRECTOR: Wattpad. Wattpad. It’s uh..
LIDDIE: You have no idea do you?
DIRECTOR: It’s 1949, Liddie! How am I supposed to know?
LIDDIE: How absolutely wretched! I’m being asked to sell something and I have no idea what it even is.
DIRECTOR: It’s a wattpad! You know, it’s a pad you rub on your feet when they’re itchy or something.
LIDDIE: Mr. Chesterton! For shame, sir! For shame! You dare drag me…me?! The star of Sunshine is for Lovers, all the way to this abysmal shack you call a set and ask me to sell foot pads! No! Never!
DIRECTOR: Liddie, not for nothing, but I’ve got a line around the block of a bunch of younger, prettier broads who’d step over their grandmothers for this part.
(LIDDIE WALKS ACROSS THE SET AND SLAPS THE DIRECTOR ACROSS THE FACE)
LIDDIE: The nerve! I’ll have you know I’m not a day over twenty-five or I’m a monkey’s uncle!
DIRECTOR: Someone get her a banana.
(ANOTHER SLAP THEN LIDDIE WALKS OFF)
LIDDIE: Bring my car around, Lattimore! I shan’t be treated in this shoddy manner! Wait until the scandal sheets learn that the star of Save Luck for a Rainy Day was treated like common riff raff!
Liddie Laurent. Coming soon to Pop Culture Mysteries…assuming we can get her to chill out and be cool.
Still haven’t processed my feelings about last night’s Game of Thrones.
Maybe tomorrow.
SPOILER ALERT
I haven’t felt this sad about a fictional character’s death since I was a kid watching Megatron wack Optimus and the Autobots stone cold gangster style.
By the way, which 1980’s sadist thought that was a good idea?
“Hey kids! Know those characters you love? Well, they’re all dead! Time to ask Mom and Dad to buy more toys!”
But I digress. Game of Thrones Finale Wrap-Up coming as soon as possible.
Good God, do I have to spoon feed this to you people every day? Read it!
Read Parts 1-5
Read Parts 6-13
Read Part 14 Part 15
Part 16
“I had all these devices plugged into the same outlet,” Vicky said. “And I like my jelly donuts warm so I nuked it for a few seconds. The next thing I know, a damn hurricane blows into my house, passes through the microwave, and into my jelly donut.”
“Wow,”I said.
“You don’t believe me, do you?”Vicky asked.
“You have no idea how much I believe you,”I answered.“Then what happened?”
“The jelly donut grew to about six feet tall,”Vicky said.“And it was there, looking all big and delicious so…this is so
According to Dr. Goetleib, crapping out a concentrated hurricane once eaten in the form of a jelly donut is a lesser known condition.
embarrassing. I ate the whole thing.”
“We all lose control now and then,”I said.
“I don’t want to get into the specifics, but let’s just say that hurricane wanted out!”Vicky said.
“I have a hunch where it came out,” I said.
“Darn tootin’!”Vicky said.
Her face turned red.
“No pun intended.”
“And that’s how you died?”I asked.
“Right on the crapper,”Vicky said.“Just like Elvis.”
“I’m sure that was very traumatic,”I said.
My mind was racing.I wanted to tell her about my similar story, how I died on the toilet after passing concentrated lighting I ate in the form of a cherry toaster pastry. Alas, my bad experience with Blandie had left me too afraid of sharing personal details about myself with the opposite sex.
“So I wake up,”Vicky continued.“And I’m dressed like a flapper and I’m standing in a 1930’s speakeasy.”
My head was about to explode.
“Nixon was there,”Vicky said.“And the Big Bopper and Gahndi. Oh, and speaking of Elvis, he was there too!”
“Cleopatra?”I asked.
“No,”Vicky said.“I didn’t see her.But the waitress was a deceased female celebrity from my generation who died too soon.It was really nice to see her again.”
“Interesting,”I said.
“And Steve Jobs was there,”Vicky said.“He was assigned to be my spiritual adviser.He told me that as a computer expert, he believed my video games showed great promise and I never should have quit.”
I just sat there in stunned silence.
“And then, get this,”Vicky said.“Steve tells me that I’m getting a second chance,that I need to find the meaning of life and if I do, I’ll get a brief moment of contentment.”
“Just a brief moment?”I asked.
“Yes,” Vicky said.“According to Steve, humans are very selfish.We’re never happy.We always want more.A brief moment of contentment is all we can ever hope for before our internal desires kick in again.”
“Heavy stuff,”I said.
“Tell me about it,”Vicky said.“I’m just happy to be alive again.”
Suddenly, it dawned on me how I was sent back to the land of the living.
“Dumb question,”I said.“But that waitress…she uh…she didn’t kiss you, did she?”
“No,”Vicky said.“I don’t swing that way.”
“Oh,”I said.I breathed a sigh of relief.
“But I totally got to make out with Elvis!”
Will the nerds ever make it to Pango Tango? Keep reading BQB and the Meaning of life (because someone has to).
Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler (2015) All Rights Reserved.
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So, shut off Netflix, folks. Eighty-six movies on demand, say so long to Showtime, and give HBO the heave-ho. Pop the pocorn and gather the family around the television tonight to take in all of the fabulous drying paint footage that Drying Paint Media has to offer!
BQB learns he has a ridiculous amount in common with his new female acquaintance. Also, we learn BQB’s real name. What a bombshell. The press have been calling nonstop. Or is it nonstart? Oh, and Holmes and Watson are stowaways.
“What the hell are you two doing here?” I asked in a whisper to the pair of sleuths.
I let them out of the bag and they hopped out onto my tray table.
“I wonder if someone will make this character I’ve worked so hard on become a Pootie Tang fan.” – Thought that never crossed poor Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s mind
“Mr. Battler,”Holmes said.“You’re undertaking a dangerous journey, one that Watson and I had a hand in pushing you on.We could not in good conscience allow you to go alone.”
The stewardess tapped me on the shoulder.The detectives froze into position.
“Complimentary beverage sir?”
“Yes,”I said.“Generic brand cola please.”
She poured me one and then smiled at my stiff gumshoes.
“Cute toys,”the stewardess said.“You should really leave them in the box though.That’s the only way they’ll appreciate in value.”
“That’s good to know,”I said, hoping she’d move on.
“My son’s a big toy collector,”the stewardess continued.“Never plays with them.Just keeps them in the boxes.”
“Doesn’t sound like much fun,”I said.
“Not really,”the stewardess said.“Anything else I can do for you?”
“Can I get one for my neighbor?”I asked.
“Sure.”The stewardess poured another generic brand cola and set it on Vicky’s table.She pushed her cart down the aisle.
Holmes and Watson gasped for air.
“You two didn’t think of that, did you?”I asked.“We’re in public, geniuses.You’re going to be gasping for air every two seconds.”
“Forget that,”Holmes said.“Mr. Battler, do you realize you’re screwing the proverbial pooch with your new female friend?”
“Excuse me?”I asked.
“Ms. Stratenhaus!”Holmes said.“You have so much in common with her it is bloody well uncanny!”
“I concur,”Watson said.
“You both were interested in pie in the sky occupations,”Holmes said.“You and your desire to become a writer, her and her love of video game design.You both sold out your dreams only to find mediocre positions at boring companies.In fact, you both literally hold the same exact position at your respective places of business!”
“And you both have long, peculiar names,”Watson said.
“Precisely!”Holmes said.“But other than your name, and a brief reference to wanting to be a writer, you have not shared with Ms. Stratenhaus the many similarities you share with her.Tell her that you too quit your dream for a boring life and you now regret your decision!Tell her that a woman left you under similar circumstances!It will bring you both closer together!”
“I can’t do that,”I said.“It would be Blandie all over again.”
“Who?”Watson asked.
“Ms. Bland Life Settler,”Holmes said.“Consult your copious notes, Watson.Doing so will refresh your memory.”
Watson pulled out his notepad and flipped through the pages.
“Ahh yes!”Watson said.“The woman who broke Mr. Battler’s heart.”
In case you forgot about BQB’s Ex-Girlfriend, Blandie
“There’s no mystery here,”Holmes said as he paced about the tray.“Mr. Battler poured his heart and soul out to Ms.Settler.He told her about his hopes, his dreams, his fears, his aspirations.He told her how he wanted to be a writer and rather than be loving and supportive, she turned around and used that fact against him, calling him an idle daydreamer before flying the proverbial coup.”
“She also made many assertions regarding his lack of prowess in the boudoir,”Watson said as he looked over his notes.
“Read them, Watson,”Holmes said as he chewed on the end of his pipe.
Bookshelf Battle 