“Jonesy, I’m coming in hot!!!”
“What?” my trusty pilot asked.
“GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE NOW!!!”
“Gadzooks, what did you do?”
I stormed into the harem. Hanging from the ceiling by a steel rod was an ancient tapestry of the noted shai philosopher, Sufros. I ripped it down, tore the rod off and shoved it between the door handles.
Just in time. The second goon wave banged on the door, shaking it furiously. The prostitutes, er, I mean ladies, were aghast.
“Which way out?” I asked.
No answer. They were all either too loyal to or too scared of their employers to say anything…except for one. She was a lovely, turquoise skinned zeltu who either robbed a basketball store or was incredibly endowed. A ruby was embedded in her forehead which unfortunately for her, was a symbol in her culture that she was considered to be from a low class, not a being but mere property to be bought and sold. That meant her tongue had been cut out at birth, as she was meant to be seen, not heard. Her thoughts and opinions were considered meaningless, which is too bad, because I bet she had a lot to say.
She pointed her tail over her shoulder toward the back left corner.
I grabbed her shoulders. “I’d kiss you but I have no idea where you’ve been!”
I slipped a thousand credit chit. Chump change I know but it was the least I could do.
Jones was still in my ear. “Give me some mustard and throw a little smoodchix on that will you?”
“Are you shitting me?!” I asked Jones.
I introduced the door to my boot. The reverberating pain in my foot told me the door was going to win.
“Roman, we’ve talked about this,” Jones replied. “The world does not revolve around you. You caught me while I’m ordering a snack. As soon as I pay for it I’ll get there. You’re not the only one with needs and right now I’m starving.”
“THEY’RE GOING TO KILL ME!!!”
Momentary silence on Jones’ end, followed by a, “Oh fine, I’ll be right there.”
Three more kicks. It wasn’t budging. Meanwhile, the door to the harem was made of less solid stuff. It was buckling. The goons would be through any minute.
I drew my hand cannon and was about to unleash hell on the lock when I felt a finger tapping me on the shoulder. It was the mute zeltu hooker. I stepped aside and watched as she slid open a panel, stared at it for an eye scan and…CLICK! The door unlocked.
“Oh what the hell,” I said as I grabbed her, dipped her, and gave her a passionate kiss. She even pushed her bumpy tongue back into my mouth. Of course she did. I’m Roman Voss.
I ran up a flight of stairs.
“Jonesy!” I shouted.
“What?! I’m on my way!”
“This is going to have to be a fly by,” I said as I rounded a corner and headed up a second flight.
“Seriously?”
“They’re up my butt like fifty feet of colonoscopy cord,” I said. “They’ll blow you up if you land.”
“I’m putting in my application to Swanky Burger after this,” Jones said.
BZZZZATT! BZZZATTT! You like my sound effects? That’s what it sounded like when my pursuers unloaded their heaters on me. They were horrible shots, but they were hot on my heels and laser blasts were flying over my head.
Bookshelf Battle 