Monthly Archives: March 2016

How the West Was ZOMBED – Chapter 3

We meet Doc.

Of all the things to make fun of about the old west, “snake oil” or potions, elixirs, so-called medicine designed to cure everything has got to be at the top of the list.

Doc is quite the hilarious showman, though I don’t believe he intends to be funny.

I see Doc as a man who is full of himself, yearns to have a place in history as a revered, great man and honestly believes he’s doing a good thing by peddling his Miracle Cure-All.

And keep in mind, even as far as the 1950’s, cigarette companies were putting out ads with doctor approved cigarettes, so heck, you almost can’t blame Doc for thinking himself a genius for “touting the curative properties of cocaine.”

By the way, I’m thinking of changing cocaine to opium. Cocaine seems funnier. Opium seems more time period appropriate. As far as I know, they had both in the 1880s.

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“Step right up! Step right up!”

While Gunther was pleading Slade’s case to deaf ears, a flashy salesman set up a cart just outside the Bonnie Lass’ double doors.

The only thing slimier than this lowlife’s pitch was his appearance. He had a devilish black beard, the kind that came down his face to a point just like the letter, “V.” His mustache curled upwards at each end. He wore a red velvet suit, wrapped his neck up with an ascot, and carried a cane topped with a golden ball. Sitting on his head was a top hat that extended an extra two feet above his cranium.

“Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, step right up for a taste of Doc Faraday’s Miracle Cure-All!”

A large group gathered to listen to the huckster’s silver tongue wag away as it made all manner of suspicious promises.

“Step right…

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How the West Was ZOMBED – Chapter 2

My four observations about this chapter:

1) We meet Miss Bonnie for the first time. She’s sassy – throws a dude over the railing, yells at Gunther for shooting his gun inside the joint, and offers to help Slade when no one else will.

2) I never intended it but there’s an ongoing theme of “employee/employer” loyalty. Being a good employee means sticking by your boss even when you think a different course of action is warranted.

(Obviously, I don’t advocate taking that to a ridiculous level – i.e. if your boss orders you to do something super evil, you should walk away).

Thus, Gunther gives a rousing speech in an attempt to find some volunteers to help Slade fend off the Buchanans. He does this even though in the first chapter, he tried to talk Slade out of the whole thing.

So if your idea is rejected, still do your best with the idea the boss is angling for.

(We’ll see this concept later with Blythe and his dealings with the Legion Corporation Board of Directors. Although in that case, there is much evil happening.)

3) Gunther is a bit of an homage to Festus on Gunsmoke. Every episode, Festus would tell his boss, Matt Dillon, that his idea was the dumbest idea he ever heard, sure to get everyone killed, and then after his protests fail, he’d be the first to have Dillon’s back.

4) Scenes like this also happen in westerns. The hero and the townsfolk would often be at odds as to what to do about the bad guys. Townsfolk would often pressure the hero to just let the bad guys do what they want lest the bad guys engage in even more evildoing.

Thus, Blake and Townsend sort of become like those old man muppets in the Muppet Theater, constantly heckling Kermit the Frog and telling him how much he sucks without offering an idea of their own.

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The Bonnie Lass. It was named for its owner and proprietor, one Miss Bonnie Lassiter, declared by the populace to be the most beautiful woman in all of Highwater. A wood carved outline of her sultry shape adorned the sign hanging above the swinging set of double doors to her saloon.

Gunther strolled on in.

Drinking. Gambling. Wine, women, and song. Women especially. Ladies of the evening, even though it was daytime.

A fight over a fixed card game was in full swing. Grown men punched one another and slammed their opponents in the back with wooden chairs that conveniently splintered and cracked into pieces upon impact. There was even a fair amount of glass bottles being cracked over heads with reckless abandon.

The ladies were quite bored with it all. They milled about the bar, clad in fancy, frilly lace dresses, their hair done up perfectly, faces painted like…

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How the West Was ZOMBED – Chapter 1

Chapter 1 Reblog – The story begins with the classic western showdown scene. Slade is standing in the street, waiting for the Buchanan Boys.

Gunther, his elderly deputy, tries to talk him into a “common sense approach” – i.e. it is unlikely Slade will survive when there’s so many Buchanan Boys coming and is it really worth it to die just to make a point?

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In the dusty, horse dropping infested main street of a two-bit town, a young man stood and waited patiently. He was a quiet fellow who cast a stoic figure. He didn’t care much for most people. They irritated him to no end and it was impossible for him to pretend as though they didn’t. From the pained expression on his stubbly face to the bulging vein in his forehead, the townsfolk knew it was best to just steer entirely clear from this man’s general vicinity whenever possible.

Beads of sweat formed on the stoic’s forehead as the sun grew higher. He checked his pocket watch. A half-hour to go.

He adjusted his Stetson. It was black but that didn’t mean he was the bad guy. After all, he didn’t live in a black or white world. He knew all about the various shades of grey.

His shirt was black too…

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How the West Was Zombed – Reblog

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Howdy 3.5 Cowpokes.

I’ve come along way this year.  Still much more to go, but I’m 40,000 words into a novel and that’s the farthest I’ve ever come on a book idea before.

I may have a chance at actually getting this thing out to the masses, to Amazon, in the hopes of expanding my website’s readership from 3.5 to 30.5 readers.

It has also been interesting to look at the characters, where they started, and how far they have come as well.

So for those 3.5 readers just tuning in, I will start today by reblogging a few chapters and will keep up with the reblogging from time to time so anyone interested can check it out and give me their feedback.

Thank you and hopefully the world will enjoy this novel enough to get the Mighty Potentate off my back.

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All Hail the Mighty Potentate.

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Loss of Productivity

Should have written more novel this weekend.

Alas, been binge watching House of Cards instead.

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#31ZombieAuthors – Day 29 Interview – Rick Chesler and David Sakmyster – ZOMBIE DINOSAURS!!!

OK…stay with me here, 3.5 readers.

Zombies + Dinosaurs = ZOMBIE DINOSAURS!

Oh my God I was so excited to interview these guys. I really was. Such an awesome concept. Undead zombie dinosaurs wreaking havoc.

Really and truly, a must read!

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Rick Chesler

WHERE TO FIND RICK CHESLER:

Amazon        Website

Facebook        Twitter

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WHERE TO FIND DAVID SAKMYSTER:

Amazon       Website

Facebook       Twitter

Holy Crap, 3.5 readers.  Holy Freaking Crap.

I’m so excited I’m about to plotz.

Since the beginning of time, there have been two badass varieties of monster:

  1. Zombies who ravenously devour any humans in their way.
  2. Dinosaurs who ravenously devoured any other dinosaurs who got in their way.

Zombies, as far as I know, are fictional.  At least I think they are.  Maybe that’s just what “The Man” wants me to believe.

Dinosaurs, on the other hand, were very real.  Long ago, they walked the Earth, stomping and chomping along, ruling all they surveyed like a bunch of gruesome lizard kings.

My next two guests have taken the sheer awesomeness of zombies and the raw power…

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Fuller House

So, out of morbid curiosity, I watched the first twenty minutes of Fuller House.

At the twenty minute mark, I couldn’t take it anymore but here are my thoughts.

The whole extended family has gathered at the Tanner house in San Francisco for one last get together before Danny, Becky and Uncle Jesse move to LA as they all have conveniently obtained new jobs there at the same exact time.

Thus, the “Full House” is about to become empty.  DJ (Candace Cameron) returns with her boys.  Her husband, Mr. Fuller (conveniently named to give the show a catchy title) has croaked.  Kind of like how her mom croaked.  Shit the Tanner family has no luck.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXuGLswn2l0

John Stamos, Dave Coulier and Lori Laughlin, all old as shit now, look exactly the same as they did from the original show, thus leaving me to wonder if deals with Satan were struck.

Bob Saget looks older but not ancient.

The Olsen twins passed on the show and there’s a joke about that.  The show is self-deprecating so there is an admission to the audience that hey, they aren’t out to craft amazing television here.

Stephanie (Jodi Sweetin) has enormous sweater cannons and its not my fault for noticing as they’re put out on display.  Well, not “out, out” but still.

Kimmy Gibbler, formerly the goofball neighbor kid/DJ’s friend who came over to bug the Tanners constantly, is separated from her husband and has a daughter of her own.

I didn’t watch long enough but it was basically building up to DJ, Kimmy and Stephanie taking over the Full House to raise DJ’s kids and Kimmy’s daughter together.

Ugh.  I don’t know.  I’m sure this show brings a lot of joy to people who really loved the show.

My recollection from when I was a kid was that its main fan base was geriatric old ladies, all of whom are six feet under now.

Maybe I’m just a glass half empty kind of a guy but all this show does is make me feel old.  It seemed like the show was just on yesterday.  Now the adults are geezers.  The kids are the adults with kids of their own and all kinds of adult problems.

I mean, isn’t there a part of you that just wanted to remember that show with everyone being young and happy?

Because time marches on at a fast and furious pace and eventually life wrecks every plan you had.  Maybe we were all better off thinking that the Full House family all rode off into the sunset and were very happy.

Maybe we didn’t need to know that DJ has a dead husband and Kimmy has a philandering husband…maybe we don’t need to know that life took a big shit on all of their dreams, just as it did for the rest of us.  Just as it will inevitably do for everyone.

Because that’s life.  For a little while, you’re a kid.  You believe in the world because it has never given a reason not to.  Then you try to make something of yourself and boom, here comes the shit.  That person you loved double crosses you.  Shit.  That degree you got is worthless because no one will hire you.  Shit.  That job you don’t like you’re going to be stuck in it forever because the economy is garbage.  Shit shit shit.

Maybe, just maybe we’d like to think that the shit Danny, Jesse and Joey suffered through didn’t revisit the next generation but low and behold, everyone’s life turns to shit I guess.

By the way, the show isn’t really about peoples’ lives being shitty.  Everyone on the show seems genuinely pleasant.  Perhaps I’m just projecting my own shitty life on it.

We talk about self-publishing a lot on this blog and I think what Hollywood is doing with all these old show reboots is relatable.  Fuller House probably would not have been picked up by a major network, but Netflix was happy to have it to bring in the subscribers.

A lot of old shows are coming back thanks to the Internet creating new homes for them.  So maybe the lesson is maybe somewhere on the Internet, there’s a home for your writing as well.

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House of Cards – How to Talk Like Frank Underwood

FORMULA = ASIDE TO CAMERA + “AS THEY SAY IN GAFFNEY” + NEEDLESSLY COMPLICATED WORD CHOICES + PLOTTING

“I want some cereal.”

TRANSLATION: As they say in Gaffney, “breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”  And as the President of the United States, my days are more important than those of the average man.  But which cereal, pray tell, should I feast upon as a prelude to this glorious morn?

Captain Crunch?  Hardly seems worth the time of a man of my stature.  Why would a sea captain be so interested in cereal anyway?  It boggles the mind.

Lucky Charms?  Bland oats and sugary marshmallows.  My teeth hurt just thinking about it and really, is there such a thing as luck?  I’ve gotten where I am through sheer will and determination.  Dumb luck had nothing to do with it.

Fruity Pebbles?  As delightful as it would be to watch my milk turn various colors I must resist as this Flintstones themed product harkens my mind back to prehistoric times – the days when a man was allowed to be a man.  If he wanted food, he killed it.  If he wanted something, he took it.  And if he wanted a woman, he took her.

Oh how I would have been a god had I lived amongst early man.  It’s best to not remind myself about what I missed out on.

Perhaps I’ll just have some Kashi Go Lean. Mix in some fruit.  Full of fiber. Good for the bowels.  Cleanses them of their deepest, darkest secrets, the things you don’t want anyone else to know about, the things everyone has done but ironically, no one would ever forgive you for.

Also, it helps you poop.

 

 

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Special Guest Book Reviewer Frank Underwood

House of Cards Season 4 is here.

You might remember, Frank Underwood stopped by this time last year to offer a book review of Green Eggs and Ham.

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Bookshelf Battlers, I’m pleased to announce that Frank Underwood, Fictional President of the United States in the House of Cards world, has agreed to be a guest book reviewer today.  I interviewed him earlier this week to get his thoughts on the timeless children’s classic, Green Eggs and Ham, by the incomparable Dr. Seus.  Here is the transcript of that interview:

FRANK UNDERWOOD (LOOKS DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA):  As they say in my hometown of Gaffney,

Planning to read and review the House of Cards novel by Michael Dobbs soon.  Until then, enjoy Frank's review of Green Eggs and Ham. Planning to read and review the House of Cards novel by Michael Dobbs soon. Until then, enjoy Frank’s review of Green Eggs and Ham.

South Carolina, if you’re going to do something, do it big.  So why on earth would I ever allow myself to be featured on a book blog that only has 3.5 people reading it?

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  Mr.  President, thank you for agreeing to this interview.

FRANK UNDERWOOD:  (TO…

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 59

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The Bonnie Lass was a blazing pile of rubble and its proprietor was nowhere to be found.

“Bonnie!”  Slade shouted his love’s name over and over with no luck.

Through the flames he saw…them.  Shadowy silhouettes stood up and walked towards him.  Undead Buchanan Boys, bar patrons and prostitutes lumbered forward with their arms stretched out, crying out demands for brains.  Some of the creatures were missing body parts or had entrails pouring out of their bodies.  Most were burnt to a crisp.  Several were still on fire themselves but that didn’t slow them down.

One of the undead was missing the top left quarter of his face, but Slade could recognize those ugly buck toothed chompers anywhere.  Alas, poor Waldo Fleming, part-time mayor, full-time barkeep, ad been reduced to a cannibalistic subhuman abomination.

Waldo reach out.  Slade responded by plunging Gunther’s knife through Waldo’s eye socket.  Then he stabbed an undead Buchanan Boy through the forehead.  A hooker’s teeth snapped too close to Slade’s arm.  He felt a little bit of himself die inside when he stabbed her through the ear.  Slade had never so much as raised a hand against a woman before.

But it was time for another first.  Slade had never run away from a fight before either, but he was outnumbered.  Thoroughly ashamed of himself, he ran and didn’t look back.

If he had, he would have seen the undead fan out, heading toward different parts of town in search of brains.  They weren’t very coordinated, or nimble, or even fast, but they were persistent.

An undead monster’s typical response to a wall is to just keep bumping into it over and over again.  Unfortunately, that spelled destruction for many structures across town, as the still burning undead spread their flames all over Highwater.

As Slade ran back to the church, he heard the screams, the terrible cries of townspeople being attacked and eaten alive.

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