Monthly Archives: May 2016

May 14 2016
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Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 97

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For Miles, there was something strangely comforting about lying face down in the dirt. He was alive. And no one was bothering him.

He laid there long enough to relax and become a boy again.

He stood up. The thought crossed his mind that he could walk away from it all now.

Pa was right. He wasn’t cut out to be a fighter and there was no shame in admitting that to himself. His father hadn’t told him that to be mean but rather to save him from a life he wouldn’t be able to handle.

Now there was an opportunity for Miles to save himself.

Naked, bruised, bloody, aching all over, he put one foot in front of the other, heading South. Heading anywhere but Highwater.

Miss Bonnie would be fine, right?

Surely, that scrappy lady had a better chance at survival than anyone. But she was up against werewolves.

What about Miss Sarah? The odds of her surviving a werewolf kidnapping were a million to one.

All the images of what could be happening to the women Slade had trusted him to protect ran through his mind. He shuddered and tried to think of something else. Anything else.

He couldn’t. Worse, all he could think about was his hesitation. Would one smash to that random wolf’s face have made a difference?

Sure, he still would have had to face King Zeke, but perhaps he could have distracted him long enough for Miss Bonnie to run.

The boy stopped. He remembered his father’s words.

“Someday a Freeman will do something that will make all the shit we’ve been through worthwhile.”

The kid had taken those words to mean some Freeman way down the line, in a future so distant he couldn’t conceive of it.

Miles was a Freeman. The only male Freeman in his line.

His brain was undergoing some hearty calisthenics. He couldn’t exactly keep the Freeman family going if he died fighting werewolves that were stronger and more devious than he was, could he?

But then again, he wouldn’t set much of an example for his future, hypothetical, non-existent at the moment family if he forever had to tell them that when people needed him, he walked away.

Screw it. The boy wolfed out, pointed himself towards Highwater, and ran.

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May 14 2016
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Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – A Note on Chapter 95

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Recently, I wrote Chapter 95, in which the Major and the Corporal decide whether or not to disobey orders and allow a gaggle of people cross the bridge (thus escaping the zombie hordes) before it is blown up.

Doc rides onto the scene at the end, thus confirming the Major’s worry that a zombie might be amongst the crowd.

Doc, of course, is a higher functioning half-zombie.

Anyway, this won’t be 95.  I’m going to push this to later. Logistically, I don’t think Doc has had enough time to make it to the bridge yet.

Our story will pick up with Miles, and then we’ll find out what happened to Gunther and Slade.

I know. The 3.5 people reading this care more about Gunther than Slade.  Can’t blame them. Gunther has personality. Slade’s kind of an uber depressed pretty boy.

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May 14 2016
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The Funky Hunks

The Funky Hunks – Greatest Hits Album

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Read N’ Plenty (Known Today as Bookshelf Q. Battler, Proprietor of a Website With 3.5 Readers)

The Funky Hunks.  Bookshelf Q. Battler and Bernie Plotznick, or as you knew them back in the day, Read N’ Plenty and MC Plotz.

They were the most wholesome, least controversial rap duo ever assembled, and that’s why your moms listened to them more than you did.

Relive the late 1990’s again with these non-threatening songs:

  • “Get Yo Milk On, Sucka”
  • “Look Both Ways Before You Cross Da Street, Playa”
  • “Straight Up Recyclin'”
  • “Girl…We Should Get to Know Each Other in an Extended Courtship First”
  • “Damn Baby, I’mma Have Yo Ass Home By 10:30 P.M.”
  • “Hygiene, What’s It Mean?”
  • “Carrots B. Tas-tay”
  • “Word to Yo Toothbrush”
  • “Call Yo Damn Grandma, Fool”
  • “Tell That Stranger to Step Off”
  • “Fight 4 Da Right to Bedazzle”
  • “Homework Betta Recognize”
  • “Can’t a Dawg Get a Decent Pair of Slacks at a Reasonable Price Up in This Bitch?”
  • “Fs Go Away, I’m A Plussin Everday”
  • “Straight Outta Bean Dip”
  • “Me So Studious”
  • “Etiquette Yourself Before You Wrecketiquette Yourself”
  • “Cuz I Got High…On Life”
  • “Break Me Off a Piece of Dat Bran Muffin”
  • “Girl, I’mma Need Your Unequivocal, Verbalized Permission Before I Kiss You”
  • “I Wanna Be a Decent, Stand-Up Taxpaying Citizen So Friggin’ Bad”
  • “Put Yo Clothes On Girl, I Barely Know You”
  • “Mad Hella Fiber in My Diet, Son”
  • “If You Aint Floss, Yo Teeth Aint Clean, Sucka”
  • “Increasing Auto Insurance Rates Be Everyone’s Problem, Ya Heard?”
  • “Girl, I’mma Come Inside and Say Hello to Yo Pops Before I Take You to Da Movies and Keep My Hands to My Mutha Truckin’ Self Da Entire Time”
  • “Wheat Grass Aint No Joke”
  • “Straight Up Tippin Dat Hard Workin’ Waitress”
  • “Wash a Dish…Wipe a Dish”
  • “Bake a Cake for a Homeless Veteran, Cuz”
  • “I’mma Dream It, I’mma Do It”
  • “I Got 99 Problems But Bad Manners Aint One”
  • “Bustin Caps…on the Soda Bottle B4 It Go Flat”
  • “Damn It Feels Good to Turn Off a Light and Save My Parents Some Money on the Electric Bill”

All these hits and more, wherever wholesome late 90s rap songs are sold!

What were your favorite Funky Hunk jams? Post them in the comments!

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MC Plotz

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May 14 2016
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Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – The Beginning of the End

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Howdy 3.5 cowpokes.

I’ve been dragging my feet lately because…well..we’re finally on the back nine.

Is Zombed going to end soon?

Nope. But we’re past the beginning and the middle and now, for the first time ever, I’m working on the end of a novel.

It’s a long end. A big end. My novel’s end got back.

So it’s taken me a bit.  Had to do some thinking. Make some decisions.  Specifically, I had to think about how each character’s personal story ends within the context of the book, as well as how/where they’ll be in the future (or do any of them have a future? muah ha ha?)

And amidst all that, I also have to set things up for the sequel – How the West Was Zombed Part II: The Quest to Fill Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Pockets with Mad Sticky Scrilla.

Hopefully, I’ll start back up again this weekend.  For those of you have tuned out or have just tuned in, follow along, will you?

As I said above, we aren’t close to being done yet, but we’re if this experience has been a flight, we’re on a slow descent toward our intended destination, so fasten your seat belts, put your tray tables in the upright position, and for the love of God stop playing candy crush.

I dare say these last few parts (which, not gonna lie, could still take me a couple more months) will be important to the overall project so come along with me on this ride and help me figure out how to make this book better…so I can stack cheese.

Did I say stack cheese? I meant uh…improve my art.

In all seriousness, I think good books and money making books are one in the same so your help will be greatly appreciated.

And for those of you who have been following along since the very beginning (and seriously, thank you for that) please tell me what YOU would like to see happen with the characters by the end.

Not gonna lie, I already know what’s happening to everyone but I’d still enjoy your input.

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May 13 2016
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Zombie Western

Mark Twain Quotes On Zombies #3

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“Never learn how to murder a zombie. If you don’t learn, you’ll become quite adept at getting others to murder zombies for you.”

Was the Old American West a safe place after it was zombed?

Certainly not. But having learned to tame this great land, Westerners were a hearty stock, and highly celebrated author Mark Twain was no exception.

Here are some observations about the undead he penned by candlelight after bashing a particularly gruesome zombie’s brains in with the business end of his walking stick.

  • “An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven’t been done before. A zombie is a creature who will eat your brains, especially if your brains have never been eaten before.”
  • “Anyone who stops learning is old, whether twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing you can do is keep your mind young. The second greatest thing you can do is to protect your mind from the chomping teeth of hideous zombies.”
  • “Do something every day that you don’t want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. For example, bash in the brains of twelve zombies before breakfast and you won’t have to worry about a zombie in the vicinity trying to eat your brains for the rest of the day.”
  • “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. In fact, health books rarely have much useful information about how to cure the effects of a zombie bite.”
  • “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place. The feeling usually lasts until a wretched zombie drops in to cock it all up.”
  • “I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell. You see, I have friends in both places. I dare say I shall be sending more zombies to hell in the near future.”
  • “I have never taken any exercise other than sleeping, resting, and zombie murder.”
  • “In his private heart no man respects himself. Few zombies respect themselves either, what with the way they walk about at all hours of the night in various states of dress demanding to feed upon your brains.”
  • “New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin. I suspect it is as delicious to us as our brains are to those infernal zombies.”
  • “It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to get the news to you. Throw a zombie into the mix and you may even get your brains eaten.”
  • “There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice. Cowardice can even serve as a protection against danger. I have never seen a coward get devoured by a zombie.”
  • “The history of our race, and each individual’s experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal. Even more difficult to kill is a zombie wearing a helmet. Try as you may, you just can’t bash its miserable brains in, and good luck getting the insipid beast to take it off.”
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May 12 2016
6 Comments
Tomfoolery

Will the Presidential Candidates Reinstate the Space Program if Elected?

Hello 3.5 readers.Space-Shuttle.png

If you’re a nerd like me, then you’re aware the U.S. Space Shuttle program has been shut down since 2011.

I suppose there are arguments for that. The economy is in the crapper. We just, well I want to say wrapped up the war in Iraq but it doesn’t look very wrapped up, and there’s an ongoing war in Afghanistan, both wars have been costly.

Schools are on the decline. People are broke as hell and can’t find jobs.

So I get it. People don’t like seeing money being spent on space under these circumstances.

However, I’d counter that if the money isn’t going to the space program then it’s just going to some other politician’s pet project because there’s really no such thing as cost savings in the government.  The politicians just take moolah from one program and put it in another program.

Then they take you, the American taxpayer and turn you over and shake you up and down until all your spare change falls out.

But I digress.  Let’s not go negative. Let’s go positive.

Here are some reasons WHY the space shuttle is important:

  • We can learn all kinds of scientific shit about space and in the process of building all this technical space shit, we’ll see greater advances in engineering, robotics, etc.
  • The country is so divided right now that a successful space launch might make us drop all of our anger and hatred and give each other hugs right in the middle of the street.
  • Maybe there are friendly aliens we could meet who could give us the cures to cancer, herpes, syphilis, toe nail fungus and teach us how to make pizza in zero gravity.
  • You know that asshat Putin is probably going to launch his own space shuttle mission and while he’s up there in space he’ll take a picture of his butt with the words “America Sucks” written on his cheeks in magic marker. Then he’ll tweet that shit out to the world and make America a laughingstock. Even worse, many people will be lead to believe that America, does in fact, suck.

We need to get the space shuttle back up there, people.

So, as a world renowned poindexter, I’m taking it upon myself to tweet the three remaining presidential candidates, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders and ask them if elected, will they reinstate the Space Shuttle program?

My tweets:

I don’t want to brag, but as the caretaker of a magic bookshelf, I have a certain amount of pull when it comes to world affairs (that amount being absolutely zero), so surely one of these fine, upstanding political types will respond and give me the thumbs up or down as to whether or not the Space Shuttle will be pulled out of moth balls under their watch.

I’ll keep you posted, 3.5 readers, and if anyone gets back to me, I’ll let you know.

P.S. – 3.5 readers, feel free to follow me on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

Meanwhile, feel free to gab away in the comments about whether or not you think the space shuttle program should be reinstated but if you could do me a favor and not use this post as an excuse to verbally bash the candidate you don’t like because on the million to one chance one of their assistant’s assistant’s assistant’s assistants takes a peak at this post I’d like them to see an invite to participate in a legit conversation about the space shuttle program and not a complaint session about the candidates.

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May 12 2016
5 Comments
Writing

Will people stop reading books in the future?

I wonder and/or worry there might come a day when people don’t read novels like they do today.

I don’t have the stats but I don’t think they even read as much as used to.

So many shows. So many movies. So many streaming services. There’s probably never been a better time to be an actor or a TV writer (I assume competition is still difficult but there are at least more jobs to compete for maybe?)

I’m talking distant future. People will still need to read to get through daily life but I wonder if a time will come, like a hundred years now when people are like why the hell would I read a novel?

I don’t know. Just a thought.

 

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May 11 2016
2 Comments
Tomfoolery

Monica Lewinsky’s Tweet About Lemonade

OK I thought of something to write about.

I haven’t listened to Beyonce’s Lemonade yet but apparently it is some kind of denouncement of Jay Z’s cheating with a chick on the side, or in general a lament about “other women.”

Ahh…what rarified air one must live in to have Beyonce and still feel the need to get side action (and be able to get that side action) but I digress.

Anyway, Monica Lewinsky, perhaps the most notable chick on the side in U.S. political history, tweeted this:

And you know what? I say good for her. It only took twenty years but at least now she can laugh about that whole kerfuffle.

3.5 readers, regardless of your political persuasion, can we all agree that its way past time to let Monica off the hook for, you know, her extracurricular activities vis a vis the executive branch?

Should she have ever really been on the hook in the first place?

Was she an adult at the time? Sure. But she was a young one. Like early twenties. And the President of the United States, the frigging Leader of the Free World came on to her…

I’m sorry but I can’t fault her for playing that saxophone.

And between the President of the United States or the intern in her early 20’s, I feel like the Prez bore the greater responsibility to keep those escapades from happening.

Not that it would ever happen but hell, if I ever find myself working for a lady president, and the lady president asks me to do some exploratory research down south…I don’t think I’d be able to say no.  I mean, she’s the lady president.

Get on with your bad self, Monica.  At least you made the late 1990’s interesting.

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May 11 2016
10 Comments
Tomfoolery

Nothing

I didn’t get any time today, folks, so enjoy the nothing.

Do you have anything to share with my 3.5 readers?

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May 10 2016
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Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – Discussion Question

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It dawns on me that Chapter 95 raises a potentially interesting discussion question for my 3.5 readers.

3.5 readers, suppose you are in the army, charged with blowing up a bridge to prevent hordes of zombies from crossing.

A crowd of people shows up.  You’re under orders from your superiors to shoot anyone who tries to cross.

To send them back means they will become zombie chow.

But, due to their being little knowledge about the zombie menace, it is possible you’ll be allowing the zombie menace to spread across the bridge by letting people cross.

Do you bend the rules and let them cross or stand firm, obey your orders, and refuse to let people cross?

Discuss.

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