Daily Archives: October 29, 2016

Remember the Zombamo – Chapter 2

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Hours later, the modest home of a simple villager had been turned into a makeshift battle hospital.

Doctor Sebastian Garcia listened to the patient’s heart with a stethoscope. The beats were slow and feint.

“We’re losing him,” the doctor said.

“Unacceptable,” Colonel Arroyo said. “The General is so loved by the people that our heads will be on pikes if he doesn’t live.”

“He has lost too much blood,” Doctor Garcia replied. “There is nothing I can do.”

The front door creaked open and an alluring woman sauntered in. She was dressed all in black with hair to match. Her eyes were stunning, her lips were red and full and a subtle beauty mark graced the lower part of her right cheek.

The Colonel turned his head toward the woman. “Leave, wench! You have no business here.”

“You will leave me alone with the general,” the woman cooed in a soft, sultry voice.

“Senorita,” the doctor said. “This is not a time for games. This is an important man and he is gravely injured.”

The woman’s eyes turned blank and blood red. She looked at both men intently, then slowly repeated, “You will leave me alone with the general.”

“Bien,” the doctor said as he walked out the door. “I suppose every man deserves a pretty woman’s company in his final moments.”

“Bah,” Arroyo said as he joined the doctor. “Let’s leave them be. I need a drink.”

The door slammed shut. The woman’s eyes returned to normal as she stepped closer to the patient.

Santa Anna shivered and gritted his teeth as beads of sweat trickled down his forehead.

“Shhh,” the woman said as she ran her fingers through the general’s long, black hair. “All is well now, mi amor.”

The general’s hand twitched. The woman reached down and took it into hers. “Do you know my name?”

No response.

“Mi nombre es Legion,” the woman said. “Porque somos muchos.”

The woman rubbed her thumb up and down the back of Santa Anna’s hand. “But I suppose ‘Legion’ isn’t a very pretty name so you may call me ‘Isadora.’”

Isadora pressed her lips up against Santa Anna’s forehead and kissed it.

“I have been following your career with great interest, Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna,” Isadora said. “In my many years, I have never seen a man so willing to risk his life for his country.”

Santa Anna winced with pain. Doctor Garcia had cut away the chunks of flesh and bone, cleaned the wound and dressed it, but blood continued to pour out of the bandages only to  stain the white bed linen.

“Do you risk your life out of a sense of duty?” Isadora asked.

No answer.

“For honor?”

No answer.

Isadora’s right eyebrow raised. “Do you do it for glory?”

The general stirred.  “Ergh.”

“I can work with glory.”

Isadora opened her mouth and two pointy fangs popped out.

“Fear not, novio,” Isadora said as she drew her mouth close to Santa Anna’s neck. “This will not hurt at all compared to what you have been through already.”

The vampire chomped at the patient’s throat, then sucked on his blood, feeding herself until the general was drained.

Santa Anna murmured one last “ergh” just before his heart stopped.

Isadora bit into her wrist and opened up two holes, causing drops of blood to flow out.

The she-vamp pressed her wrist up against Santa Anna’s lips.

“Feed.”

Santa Anna remained a still, lifeless corpse.

“Feed, mi amor,” Isadora said.

Nothing.

“Feed and all of Mexico will be yours.”

Like a wild animal, Santa Anna emitted a guttural roar. He sprang up in bed. His eyes turned red. A pair of fangs popped out of his mouth. Instinctively, he used them to cut into Isadora’s wrist.

A primal thirst had taken control of the general. He quenched it with Isadora’s blood.

She was a willing donor. As she watched her new plaything nourish himself, she could not help but laugh.

“Feed and grow strong, my love.”

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Remember the Zombamo – Chapter 1

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1829

Tampico, Mexico

The Spaniards had returned for what they deemed was rightfully theirs. An army of nearly three thousand men loyal to King Ferdinand approached with rifles at the ready.

Sitting atop his horse, the middle-aged Colonel Javier Arroyo peaked at the uninvited guests through a spy glass.

“Madness,” the Colonel said. “General, we have no choice but to…”

Before Arroyo could say “surrender,” his commander, the brash, young General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna was off, charging his steed towards the invaders with his saber drawn, a battle cry pouring out of his lungs, and a thousand of his own men in tow.

“Dios mio,” Colonel Arroyo said as he drew his sword and pointed it at the Spaniards. “Attack!”

The air grew thick with the scent of gunpowder as shots rang out from both sides. Swords clanged. Blood was spilled, staining the soil crimson.

Before long, the Colonel and the General found themselves fighting in close proximity to one another.

“I find myself questioning your sanity, Antonio!” the Colonel cried as ran his sword through a Spaniard’s gut.

Santa Anna fired his pistol at one Spanish soldier, then, lacking sufficient time to reload, socked another square in the jaw with his bare fist.

“And I question your intestinal fortitude, Javier,” Santa Anna replied.

“My…”

The general’s sword clanged against a Spanish rapier. Parry…parry…thrust! Another Spaniard down.

“Your guts!” Santa Anna said.

“There are too many of them!” Arroyo shouted. “There’s cowardice and then there’s using the head that God gave you!”

Pow! A Spanish cannonball emerged from a cannon perched on a hilltop, tore through the air, and landed twenty feet away, causing a contingent of Mexican soldiers to erupt in an explosion of blood and viscera.

Santa Anna picked up a dead Spaniard’s rifle and fired a shot, opening up a giant hole in the middle of a Spanish officer’s head.

“Fighting to keep what is yours?” Santa Anna asked. “If you think that’s a bad idea, then you’re the one who has something wrong his head, amigo.”

Pow! A second cannonball landed. It was closer this time. Ten feet away. More blood. More guts.

Arroyo ducked just in time to avoid getting his faced smashed in with the butt of a rifle. He returned the favor by jamming his sword through his opponent’s stomach.

“I think its a good idea to live,” Arroyo said.

“And you will,” Santa Anna said. “Trust me, tonight we will celebrate by…”

Pow! A third cannonball landed less than a foot away. It exploded.

The general was on the ground. His ears were ringing. His sight was blurry.

“Antonio!” Arroyo shouted as he fought his way to his fallen leader’s side.

Santa Anna looked to his left. A bloody, shredded leg laid in the dirt. Even with all the pain and confusion, he could tell the limb looked all too familiar.

The general looked down. His right leg was still there. His left leg was not. Scraps of flesh and bone jutted out of the left side of his pelvis where his leg once was.

“Antonio?” the Colonel asked. “Antonio!”

Santa Anna’s eyes closed and he slipped into a deep, dark state of unconsciousness.

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Remember the Zombamo – Introduction

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Jim Bowie. Sam Houston. William Travis. Davy Crockett. Juan Seguin.

When the West was young, a series of unlikely events occur, pushing these men to Texas as if guided by a well-intentioned divine hand.

Texas is in a state of revolution as Texans decide that the dictatorial rule of Mexican President Santa Anna can be stood for no longer.

Four out of the five will throw down against a vampiric Santa Anna’s army of zombies at the Alamo, defending the old Spanish mission with their lives and fending off the evil that lies below it – an evil so powerful it could consume the planet.

The fifth will later confront Santa Anna’s zombies on the field of battle.

Will our heroes save the day? Find in the first book of BQB’s Zombie Western Series.

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Top Ten Halloween Movies

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

3.5 readers, you have spent the past month defeating many vampires with my sage wisdom, so now it is time to treat yourself to a monster movie marathon!

Without further ado, here is a list of the Top Ten Horror Films you should watch this Halloween:

#10 – Night of the Living Dead (1968)

George A. Romero invented the zombie genre with his 1968 classic.  It’s low budget but that’s ok.  Creepy hands busting through the walls of a house cost little but scare lots.

“They’re coming to get you Barbara.”  Scary!

#9 – Nightmare on Elm Street Series (Started in 1984 then Kind of Went On Forever)

Notorious child murderer Freddy Kruger (Robert Englund) beats a murder rap on a technicality but gets burned alive by neighborhood parents in an act of vigilante justice.

Freddy, with his burned up face, fedora, striped turtleneck sweater and razor glove, ends up haunting teenagers’ dreams and somehow, if he kills them in a dream, they die in real life, thus the teens must avoid sleeping.

So…OK…not exactly a feel good family friendly movie. But the first film does give us a young Johnny Depp and ironically, he’s not the one in all the makeup in this picture.

Directed by horror legend Wes Craven.

#8 – Friday the 13th (Long Running Franchise that Began in 1980)

As a young lad, Jason Voorhees drowns at Crystal Lake because the teenage counselors were incompetent as shit and thats what you get for sending your kid to live under the care of dumb hormonal teenage camp counselors who, let’s face it, aren’t that much smarter than your kid to begin with.

Hell, if they were to remake this movie today, Jason would be drowning while all the teenage counselors busy themselves with cell phone selfies.

But like Elsa, Jason is not able to let it go.  He comes back again and again, always in a hockey mask, slashing away to the point where you honestly wonder why someone doesn’t shut this damn camp down.

Not that it would matter as Jason takes his show on the road, goes up against Freddy Kruger in Jason vs. Freddy and even ends up in space in the year 2455 in 2001’s shark jumping Jason X.

Don’t send your kids to camp, 3.5 readers.

#7 – Scream (1996)

This 1990s film and its sequels sought to parody the slasher film tropes of the 1970s and 1980s by featuring a killer who is obsessed with horror tropes vs. teens who use their horror trope knowledge to survive for as long as they can.

The opening scene with Drew Barrymore answering a call only to get a creepy question, “Do you like scary movies?” is iconic. Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox and David Arquette (as incompetent law man Dewey) are at their best in this and it makes me sad so much time has past because it feels like this movie was just out in the box office yesterday but alas, as I write this, I realize it has been 20 years.

Boo! I have survived Ghostface but time, that sneakiest of all killers, is slowly getting me.

#6 – Scary Movie (2000)

The Wayans Brothers walked a fine line when they parodied Scream, which was, in and of itself, a parody of slasher movies.  But whereas Scream featured enough seriousness to keep the plot moving, Scary Movie was an all out lampooning of the horror genre.

The subsequent sequels have been cringeworthy suggesting that people today just don’t get the Zucker-esque, Airplane style slapstick that the Wayans Brothers loved in the past.

But the original gave us the adorable Anna Farris and to this day, whenever I see a woman on the big screen running away from a killer, I find myself echoing the advice of Shorty Meeks (Marlon Wayons) – “Run, bitch! Run!”

Don’t trip and fall.  Don’t go upstairs. Don’t stand around. Just run, bitch. Run bitch, indeed.

#5 – The Shining (1980)

Jack Nicholson stars as Jack Torrance, a writer who takes a gig as the caretaker of a hotel.  The winters in the hotel’s area are so bad that he’s told up front that he’ll be snowed in and stir crazy for months.

Get paid to sit around and write?  Sounds like a gig my 3.5 readers/aspiring writers and I would be into.

Alas, the hotel is creepy as hell, Jack loses his mind, grabs an axe, and terrorizes his wife (Shelley Duvall) and young son, Danny (Danny Lloyd.)

“Redrum!”

“Here’s Johnny!”

#4 – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

It’s on the list because it does have a cult following amongst horror fans but I particularly don’t care for it because this film, its sequels, and other films like it i.e. The Hills Have Eyes give us more of a look into the gore than necessary.

When we’re talking horror movies, all that is necessary for the audience to see is a knife slash, a blood spurt, a dead body on the fall. No need to go all out and show people being hacked up in gruesome detail.

I mean, seriously, I’m a vampire and even I get grossed out by this, bleh!

#3 – The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

To the best of my knowledge, this is the only horror film that has received the Oscar for best picture.

Now, there are people who will argue that this film is really a mystery with horror undertones but come on, when you have a dude that eats liver with fava beans and a nice chianti, that’s some scary shit.

Forget the werewolves and the zombies that you’ll never see. Forget the vampires that you’ll only see when you read my columns on this pitiful blog.

This film took the audience into scary minds of two twisted serial killers, Hannibal Lecter and Buffalo Bill, two men who managed to fool society into thinking they were harmless for years until their addiction to murder was exposed.

Bleh! Now that’s some scary shit.

Jodie Foster as Clarice Starling, stumbling about in the dark while Bill gets up close with his night vision goggles and she doesn’t know that he’s right next to her?

Bleh! Scary shit.

I’m a vampire and even I don’t want to put the lotion in the basket.

2002’s Red Dragon is also a worthwhile prequel, telling the story of how FBI agent Will Graham (Ed Norton) caught Lecter and then used his advice to track down “the Tooth Fairy” killer.

2001’s Hannibal and 2007’s Hannibal Rising I say, at the risk of becoming Hannibal’s dinner, not worth your time.  They are very bleh, bleh.

#2 – Saw (2004)

2004’s Saw and its sequels upped the ante as serial killer Jigsaw, introduced to his victims as a puppet who appears on video with a sinister voice, puts people into elaborate traps in which they must do terrible, horrible things to themselves and others in order to survive.

The violence is disgusting and over the top but as mindless as it all seems, the film does have a message – stop complaining about how hard life is and how you wish it was over because if you were actually stuck in a life threatening situation, your survival instinct would kick in and you would do something horrible to survive.

Appreciate life, 3.5 readers. It is better than the alternative, bleh.

#1 – Halloween (1978) 

The slasher film to end all slasher films. Some might say this film is where all those slasher film tropes began.

As a boy, a young troubled Michael Myers slashes his sister to death on Halloween night.  Years later, in 1978, an adult Michael Myers escapes a sanitarium, returns to his old neighborhood and starts slashing away at Laurie Strode (a young Jamie Lee Curtis before she resigned herself to the boy haircut) and her friends.

Multiple sequels and reboots.  They made an H20 (Halloween Twenty Years Later) in 1998 and it saddens me to no end that they could be making an H40 soon.

Bleh, if a slasher doesn’t get you, time will.  Wait, why am I worried? I’m a vampire, bleh.

Honorable Mention

  • Psycho – Norman loves his mother.
  • Hocus Pocus – if you like the costumes and the candy but don’t want to get too scared. A film so old that Sarah Jessica Parker was considered the hot one of the witch trio.
  • Shaun of the Dead and/or Young Frankenstein – if you want to laugh on Halloween
  • The Exorcist – Yeah, this should have made the list, come to think of it. The scariest film yet about demonic possession, so scary that Hollywood probably could never top it.
  • Carrie – Another by the master of horror, Stephen King.  Unpopular girl.  Popular kids play a cruel joke on her.  Her telekinetic mind powers flare and chaos ensues.  Be nice to everyone, 3.5 readers. You never know who has telekinetic powers.
  • The Blair Witch Project – Released in 1999, the filmmakers behind it did a lot with very little.  The premise was that this film was “found footage” i.e. a tape a bunch of youngsters made while carrying their camcorder around in the woods while looking for a witch.  Its mostly shaky hand held footage of kids running away and screaming though it is scary and creepy.  Sadly, due to its success, it inspired countless films where newcomers to the movie industry with low budgets shoot their films as “found footage” or as one character holding the camera and they’re all just awful. Totally awful.  It worked one time and will never work again so stop doing it, bleh.
  • Dawn of the Dead – George A. Romero returns 10 years later in 1978 with a film about a zombie takeover of a shopping mall.  Kids, a shopping mall was a place that people went to in order to purchase goods and supplies.  They existed long before Amazon figured out how to fly crap to your house via drones.

Bleh! Did I miss your favorite scary movie, 3.5 readers?

Share in the comments, bleh.

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Movie Review – Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (2016)

So a hot babe and a short man walk into a bar…

BQB here with a review of Jack Reacher: Never Go Back.

Author Lee Child has a loyal following for his Jack Reacher novels which chronicle the life of an ex-Military Police officer as he wanders the earth and solves mysteries, beats up bad guys, and rattles off quips and one-liners.

I’ve never read them but people who have tell me they’re excellent.  A few told me that when the 2012 Jack Reacher film came out, their main disappointment was that Tom “Shortest Man in Hollywood” Cruise was cast to play a man who, according to the books, is nearly seven feet tall and all muscle.

And just throwing it out there – there probably aren’t a whole helluvalot of parts out there for an aspiring actor who is close to seven feet tall so the Cruise Missile probably could have allowed some exceptionally tall actor to have this one but oh well.

My take on the first Jack Reacher film is about the same as this one – there’s lots of action that you can eat your popcorn to but then there’s also a lot of snore worthy information being thrown out you to the point where it feels like you’re watching an extended Law and Order episode.

Like most mystery movies, I, at some point, just start nodding at the screen. “Yup. Uh huh. So and so worked here, now he does this, and he was seen there and he transferred some money and a witness said this so uh huh…yeah…no please don’t draw it out any longer I’ll just take your word for it that he’s the bad guy because I am too busy to get a notebook and a pen and sketch this all out in a diagram.”

Cobie Smulders, as her name suggests, is smolderingly hot.  I’ve always liked her as an actress, going back to her How I Met Your Mother days.

Like her character Robin in that show, she seems intelligent and hot, a babe who has read a book or two.

Jack Reacher as a movie character is hard to pin down.  Is he the American anti-Bond?  He has little patience and does not suffer fools lightly so he does a lot of fighting and insulting but not much charming or beguiling.

Cruise is OK in the role if you can get over his lack of height.  At times, you lose track of the fact that Cobie and Cruise are supposed to be romantically interested in one another because it looks more like a hot chick is being forced to drag around her elderly yet well preserved due to Scientology alien worship uncle.

I won’t give away the plot, mostly because I can’t because I never did draw that diagram, but basically Cobie’s character, Major Turner, is framed for espionage by bad dudes doing bad things and it is up to Reacher to clear her good name.

Together, they go on the run and along the way, they rescue Samantha (Danika Yarosh) who may or may not be Jack’s daughter because Jack may or may not have banged her mother because Jack bangs a lot of chicks and doesn’t remember their names or anything.

So he is the American Bond!

There are some plot holes and questionable choices. Case in point – when Turner and Reacher are on the lam, Turner talks a cabbie into giving her his baseball cap.

From thereon, Turner wears the hat around town as if the hat provides her with some kind of cover but she’s still a hot chick with big boobs wearing military fatigues and the bad guys are aware that they’re supposed to be looking for a hot chick with big boobs in military fatigues so…I’m not sure the hat did her much good but oh well. She tried.

I’m happy for the Cobe-ster. She’s been plugging away at the Hollywood game a long time and though she has had a supporting role in The Avengers movies for awhile, this is her first lead role in a major film and hopefully we’ll see her in more.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy, but more of a rental.

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A Note on Remember the Zombamo

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Well, I’ve done it again.

I’ve started a new story before finishing my other open stories.

Oh well.  I’ve been thinking about Zombie Western for months now, how to tie it all together and I finally decided I need to go way, way, way back in time to the early 1800s, to the Battle of the Alamo to get things started.

One thing I want to make clear – I’m lying…a lot.

You should take nothing I say in these books as historical fact.

If you read these Zombie Westerns and are inspired to look up the actual history in books written by actual historians then I’m glad.

But I am doing a whole helluvalot of fibbing just to fit everything together in a tale that is interesting to the reader.

Santa Anna, for example, is getting lied about a lot:

  • He did fend off a Spaniard invasion at Tampico but he did not lose his leg until long after the Battle of the Alamo.  He lost his real leg in a battle against the French.  He then lost his prosthetic leg while trying to retake Texas in the 1840s.
  • However, for purposes of this story, him dying in the beginning and then being brought back by a vampire seemed like a good way to begin and to introduce the readers to, “The Legion” the evil organization that commits heinous acts throughout the series.  So I rewrote history to make him lose his leg much earlier.
  • He didn’t kill Guerrero or Bustamante.  He did engage in dictatorish activity, but the scene where he kills these two didn’t happen.  I figured the presence of werewolves and vampires would have caused you to draw that conclusion but just making sure.
  • He did have a General Urrea who was a good soldier but stood up against bad things, i.e. saved some Texans from Santa Anna’s execution orders as he thought they was a violation of basic rules of war to execute opponents who have given up.  So at the start of this story I had a fiction General Arroyo and then I changed it to Urrea.  My plan is this is a human who remains loyal to Santa Anna until he can’t bring himself to support him anymore. Not sure if I’ll keep him as Urrea or perhaps I’ll avoid maligning Urrea by reverting to the fictional Arroyo.  Also, Urrea sounds like a penile disease.
  • Going forward, we’ll see the lives of Jim Bowie, William Travis, Sam Houston and Davy Crockett, what they were all doing pre-Alamo and what events led them to end up in Texas.  There will be a lot of grabbing at history and/or mythology interspersed with made up stuff to keep the story going.
  • If (when?) I publish this book I’ll make a series of posts sharing the real history and how I made it fake history so hopefully people won’t believe the parts I made up, except for the shit about zombies, because that totally happened and your history teacher was probably working for the Legion when he didn’t tell you about the zombies at the Alamo.

 

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Top Ten Things You Should Never Do in a Horror Movie/Slasher Film

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Imagine it, 3.5 readers.

You’ve been transported into a horror film.

Not just any horror film…a slasher film!

Yes, there’s a murderer on the loose and you and your friends must survive.

Fear not.  I have watched many of these movies and I can fully advise you on what NOT to do:

#10 – Don’t Run Upstairs

Hello dummy. You’re upstairs. Now you’re down to two options – 1) jump out a window and die when you hit the ground or b) be gruesomely murdered.

It’s just common sense, people.

#9 – Don’t Be a Dick

Whoever is the douchiest usually gets it first.  The audience is eased into the concept that characters are going to be murdered by killing off the person who said and/or did something mean first.

I mean, we don’t want to see anyone murdered on screen but if someone has to, it might as well be that bimbo who stole the female lead’s boyfriend or called her a mean name or something.

#8 – Don’t Neglect Regular Car Maintenance

Get your oil changed. Get your routine maintenance. Replace your fan belt and your fluids. Get your engine checked.

Do not drive to that creepy cabin in the woods before a fully qualified mechanic (and I’m talking someone who takes pride in their work and not that lowlife schmuck at the corner gas station) has inspected and tended to your car.

Otherwise, your car will not start and then you’re just stuck there while the killer is bashing in your windshield.

#7 – Don’t Go Into the Basement

Similar to “don’t go upstairs” except when you’re in the basement, there’s not even a window to jump out of.  You’re just stuck in there with the killer, dumb ass.

#6 – Don’t Have Sex

I don’t know why but insane killers always ice people who are humping.  I’m no Dr. Freud, but I can only assume that insane killers don’t get a lot of sex and therefore they get angry and lash out at the people who are fornicating first.

#5 – Don’t Take a Shower

Why the eff are you taking a shower when there’s a killer on the loose? How you smell is the least of your worries and your boobs are only being shown for gratuitous boob footage and then once shown your purpose to the audience has been served and the killer will kill you, most likely while you’re still in the shower for easy clean up.

#4 – Don’t Trip

Get yourself a good pair of boots and watch where you’re going so you don’t stumble on a rock or a stick and break your ankle because then all that leads to is you crying and reaching your hand out for the lead character to come back and rescue you and then the lead character is put into the terrible position of deciding whether to save you or save him/herself and since it looks like you are done for he/she will choose him/herself and keep running only to feel terrible for abandoning you later.

#3 – Don’t Forget to Check Real Estate Records

Never trust a real estate agent.  Do a full, in-depth investigation of the property you are buying, renting, or otherwise visiting.  Search newspapers, county records, talk to the neighbors.

At the very least, get on your iPhone and ask Siri if anyone has been murdered in the house you are buying.

If Siri replies, “Yes, twenty people were murdered in that house, would you like me to do a web search for it?” then don’t buy that house.

#2 – Don’t Split Up

A group of friends that sticks together is a group of friends who can jump a killer and curb stomp him gangster style together.

#1 – Don’t Be Not White

Look, if you read this blog, you know I’m not politically correct at all, but I’ll give the super PC people this one.

Hollywood wants to be diverse so they’ll give the hero a non-white friend so that the studio can be all like, “Hooray we love black people!”

But slasher movies more often than not lead to the hero being the last man/woman standing so sorry but, that black friend is going to buy the farm early in the picture.

So if you are black, I’m not sure how to help you other than maybe do that classic Richard Pryor style nerdy white guy voice and the killer might leave you alone for awhile.

HONORABLE MENTION:

  • Don’t go into that dark, creepy shed filled with tools that can be used to bludgeon yourself.
  • In fact, wherever “there is” listen to all the people in the audience yelling, “Don’t go in there!”
  • If a wise elderly person tells you to do or not do something, then do or don’t do it.
  • Don’t get cheap cell phone service. Go with the company that can give you a full slate of bars even when you’re in the woods.
  • Don’t investigate strange noises on your own. Honestly. Who do you think you are, Rambo? Call the cops before the killer cuts the phone line.
  • Oh right. Don’t be a cop. They always get killed when the hero, who is hiding some where, feels hope because the cop has arrived to investigate but alas, the killer then somehow fools the cop into being killed.
  • Don’t be ugly. You can pretty much judge how long everyone in the group has left to live based on their looks.
  • Don’t tell anyone your touching life story.  That’s usually done to make the audience like you and then feel bad when you get slashed. Keep that shit to yourself.

 

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#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Day 29 – Zombie Dinosaurs!

With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

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Roar, 3.5 readers.

Roar indeed.

Dinsoaurs.  Zombies? DINOSAUR ZOMBIES!

That’s right. Last year BQB interviewed Rick Chesler and David Sakmyster, co-auhtors of Jurassic Dead, the totally badass book series that combines prehistoric lizards and the undead.

BQB was blown away by this awesome concept and one year later, he maintains it is a travesty of justice that this book has not been made into a movie yet.

“Who the hell greenlit all that Zach Galifinakis horse manure when there’s a perfectly good book series about zombasaurs aching to be made?” BQB was heard to say.

Check out BQB’s interview with the dino-tastic duo here.

And don’t forget to check out Jurassic Dead, now available on Amazon.

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#31WaysToDefeatAVampire -Way #29 – Silverfish

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

Yes, that’s right 3.5 readers. Anything that is somehow related to silver can defeat a vampire so if you live in a disgusting, bug infested apartment then congratulations! Vampires will go nowhere near it because they do not want to be accosted by silverfish.

Silverfish are truly the vampire hunters of the insect world, bleh.

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