Daily Archives: October 15, 2016

I was touched inappropriately by Hillary Clinton And Donald trump

3.5 readers while everyone is telling their stories I figured I would finally tell mine.

Hillary Clinton touched my hiney.

The year was 1998. Smashing Pumpkins were all the rage and neon clothing was in.

Why was it ever out? A question for another day.

There I was, wearing my multicolored 8 ball jacket, walking down the street, minding my own business.

I’d been listening to Bell Biv Devoe on my CD Walkman for hours and felt it was time to switch things up to Salt N Pepa.

Alas, I dropped my CD holder. The CDs scattered everywhere. 

And then, as I bent over to pick up my CDs, I felt it – the First Lady’s hand all over my firm, supple buttocks.

“Mmm yummy!” the former FLOTUS said. “Mama likey!”

“Oh my God!” I cried. “First Lady of the United States Hillary Clinton! Did you just touch my derrière?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that I touched the alleged hiney in question,” Hillary said. “And youse better not talk to no one about it if you know what’s good for you, see?”

Hillary, who sounded like a 1930s gangster, ran off into the night and left me with my shame.

I dropped to my knees and shouted to the stars, “Why God? Why? Why have you sentenced me to a lifetime of agony due to having my ass touched by the most powerful woman in the world? Could this day get any worse?”

And so I laid there in the street for awhile until a limo pulled up and a man stepped out.

The suit. The hair.

“What’s this whack job doing in the middle of the road?” the Donald said. “I’m Donald J. Trump and I’m on my way to a very important business meeting which I assure you will be very classy and very fantastic. No one holds a better business meeting than I do, OK? I hold them better than they do in China, that’s for sure.”

“Oh,” I said. “Sorry Mr Trump. I was just a bit hysterical because Hillary Clinton just touched my ass.”

“The Hillary Clinton?” Donald asked. “She and her husband are good friends of mine. Excellent friends. I cut checks to them all the time. I’m sure we’ll be friends forever and speaking of Friends, that show is still on the air because it’s the 90s. Ross will never get with Rachel, that much I can tell you. Ross is a loser. He really is. Very low energy.”

“I’ll get out of your way,” I said.

But before I could, I felt the smallest hand ever on my rump.

“This does absolutely nothing for me, just so you know,” Trump said. “Worst hiney I’ve ever touched, ok? You really need to start working out big league.”

I walked away but remained very sad and depressed for the rest of my life. In fact at the time I was about to become the world’s first guitar playing astronaut but the mental pain was so much I had to settle for starting a blog with only 3.5 readers.

Also, my attorney advises me to say this is all just a joke, not true, and never happened.

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BQB in NYC – Freedom Tower – 9/11 Memorial Museum – One World Observatory


Howdy 3.5 Readers,

Your old pal BQB here.

The Big Apple. The big..I don’t know…does New York City have any other nicknames?

Recently, I visited the Freedom Tower and had the chance to tour the 9/11 Memorial Museum.

At the museum, you can see preserved parts of the original World Trade Center and foundation, pieces of wreckage, materials saved from the scene, photos, timelines, videos etc.
It makes me sad the Twin Towers are gone but I’m glad they built this to keep future generations remembering what happened.

Finally, I had the chance to check out the observatory at the top of the Freedom Tower.

What a view, 3.5 readers:

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BQB in NYC

Happy Saturday 3.5 readers.

Like Jack Kerouac, I’m on the road, only with much less style and self-reflection.

With Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire and Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian holding down the fort (God help us), I’m free to wander.

What’s your favorite thing to do in New York City, 3.5?

I had a chance to check out Times Square. 

Grown man in a baby costume. Adults in off brand super hero costumes. Scantily clad ladies with “I Love NY” on their booty cheeks. (I only looked so I could give a full, thorough report because I go the extra mile for my 3.5 readers.)

BQB in Times Square:

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#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Day 15 – Peter Meredith – Finding Your Calling

With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

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Have you found your calling yet, 3.5 readers?

Sometimes it takes time.

For example, I didn’t know I’d be a good zombie until another zombie bit me and turned me into a zombie.

Sometimes you’ll discover what you’re meant to do when you least expect it.

Last year, Peter Meredith talked to BQB about his journey to becoming a successful writer.

Check out that interview here.

And don’t forget to check out The Apocalypse Crusade and other books by Peter on Amazon.

 

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#31WaystoDefeataVampire – Way #15 – Stakes

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

Well, it only took half a month but I finally got to an obvious one – stakes.

Yes, a stake through the heart will end a vampire’s reign of terror.

Stop being so cocky. A stake through the heart would kill anyone.

But there’s a religious irony. It’s like you took a piece of Christ’s cross and rammed it through a vampire’s still ticker (or heart that used to tick.)

Any piece of wood will do against a vampire.

Do not use formica or cheap ass faux wood.  Vampires survive that all the time.

Steaks as in the meat do not work.  Do not throw a porterhouse at a vampire.  It will accomplish nothing other than wasting a good dinner, bleh.

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