Daily Archives: October 17, 2016

Who would win the following fantasy fights?

Batman vs a Shark

Patrick Swayze in Road House vs Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing

Either version of Patrick Swayze vs a T-Rex

Optimus Prime vs the Entire Nazi Army

Bell Biv Devoe vs Dolph Lundgren

Superman vs an Octopus

James Bond vs a Silverback Gorilla

Pee Wee Herman vs a UFC fighter

Ronda Rousey vs the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Zombie Abe Vigoda vs Zombie Bea Arthur

Sugar Ray Leonard vs a Bengal Tiger

The Joker and Harley Quinn vs Bonnie and Clyde

Al Capone vs Al Bundy

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Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be a Loser

We here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog celebrate winners.

Winners = yay.

Losers = boo.

And no, you’re not a loser if you’re reading this blog…you’ve already lost.

You have to have more stuff to lose to be a loser. If you’ve lost it all then you’re a lost person.

So without further ado 3.5 lost readers, join me in sacrificing your non-existent dignity as we explore the Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be a Loser:

#10 – You come up with excuses to lose and or not win. “Waaah my parents were mean to me…Waah my childhood was terrible…Waah all the kids at school picked on me…Waah I lost all my limbs in a tragic jet ski accident.”

Just stop. Yes others have had fewer hurdles to jump over and clearer paths to victory. But comparing yourself to them or wishing them ill will and sulking over your misery will get you nowhere.

So hike up your pants, screw your courage to the sticking post and be a winner.

#9 – You still buy DVDs from that bargain bin at the store. Stop! Cease investing in a dead technology immediately! Little kids in third world countries are being whipped into re-packaging 1990s Rom Coms just to make them look more interesting for people like you.

#8 – You explain all your jokes. If you have to explain it then it isn’t funny.

Also, don’t apologize for not being funny. I’ve never ever apologized yet for this pitiful blog and I never will.

#7 – Sweat pants are the gateway drug to loserdom. The more comfortable you are the less likely you’ll want to leave your house in order to go out into the world and win. 

Thus, wear two sizes too small leather pants at all times.

#6 – Will you please stop spending all your money on useless crap?

Seriously, whenever some dumbass complains to me that they don’t have enough money it’s all I can do to not point out the solid gold spinning rims they attached to their Honda Civic or their wardrobe full of elaborate cos play costumes or their action figure collection which I now realize I’m guilty of.

Winners save. Bank the scrilla today to be a balla tomorrow.

#5 – Don’t ask someone who has dumped you already to take you back.

Look even if your face looks like a butt and you have no style, no money, no job, no friends, no social graces and you spend all your time writing Firefly fan fiction you still need to convince yourself that your ex was too much of a loser to recognize a winner in order to maintain a winning personality.

#4 – You’re too quick to admit you are wrong just to make someone you’re talking to happy.

Stick to your guns at least once a day on a ridiculous subject. 

Swear on a stack of bibles that the sky is taupe.

Inform everyone that Sammy Davis Jr once served as Pope and you will not hear arguments to the contrary.

Shout that hamsters control the banking industry. 

If people get worn out telling you that you’re wrong then congratulations on the win!

#3 – You’re the guy or gal no one wants to talk to.

Anyone talk to you lately?

Uh oh.

#2 – You save  torn Christmas wrapping paper to re-use next year.

Sigh. You have lost and you make Baby Jesus cry.

#1 – You write blogs only read by 3.5 people…but not this blog.

This blog is a winner and it isn’t fault that there aren’t enough winners in the world to recognize it.

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Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas

You can’t trick or treat without a dope costume, 3.5 readers, so without further ado, from the home office in East Randomtown, it’s BQB’s Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas:

#10 – Are you fat and balding? Cool. Grow a mustache, throw on a red sweater and boom, you’re Ken Bone.

#9 – Slap a goatee on your chin. Boom. Evil You.  Already have a goatee? Shave it off. Good You.  (FYI what most people think of as a goatee is actually a Van Dyke.)

#8 – Dress like Count Krakovich and go as an Asshat Vampire.

#7 – Put on a flannel shirt and you’re either a lumberjack or a 1990s alt rocker.

#6 – Get an adult “Sexy” costume from your local seasonal Halloween costume store.  Sexy vampire. Sexy werewolf. Sexy Frankenstein. Sexy ghost. Sexy corn. Sexy unicorn. Sexy dog. Sexy cat. Sexy giraffe.  Really, its just the costume and then they make it so it shows a lot of cleavage and booty. I’ve heard they even have a Sexy Ken Bone.

#5 – Go as a politician.  Just show up at the party, demand a donation, give a half-hearted apology speech for all your epic failures and misdeeds, then leave with all the candy apples and blame your opponent for taking them.

#4 – Be that guy who has to spend a half hour explaining what his costume is to everyone.  Either be an esoteric, unquantifiable idea or concept or dress like a little known celebrity from the past. “Umm, yes I’m Jeremiah Hockenbocker, the obscure inventor who developed the butt rag in the year 1450 A.D. Yes, without my butt rag you’d never have toilet paper today. Give me candy.”

#3- Put shoes on your hands and walk everywhere on your hands instead of your feet. Claim that you’re you from an alternate universe. You’ll be horribly sore and dizzy afterwards but people will admire your commitment to staying in character.

#2 – Go as yourself. Tell everyone you’re a hobo. Consult with a stylist on November 1 to learn how you can not look like a hobo anymore.

#1 – Just wear your own clothes and buy your own candy. You’re an adult, jackass.


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Questions About the Jungle Book Movie

Have you seen the new live-action version, 3.5 readers?

I suppose my question apply to the cartoon version as well.

Someone call an animal expert but wolves and bears are only in forests right?  Are there any jungle bears or jungle wolves?

“BQB this is a movie for dumb kids who don’t these things.”

Oh right. Thank you 3.5 readers.

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#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Day 17 – Jeremy Laszlo and the E-Mail that Launched a Self-Publishing Career

With Your Guest Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian



It’s not something an author ever looks forward to.

But when Jeremy Laszlo submitted his fiction to the world of traditional publishing an an intern accidentally hit the wrong button whilst sending an e-mail about batch rejecting a ton of submissions, he realized it was a waste of time to pursue traditional publishing any further and instead, dove right into the self-publishing game.

Zombies!  Also, orcs!

Check out BQB’s interview with Jeremy here.

And don’t forget to check out Jeremy’s Left Alive series on Amazon.

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#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #17 – Fan Fiction

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire



Hello again, 3.5 readers.

Yes, it is I, Count Krakovich, here to again regale you with another way to defeat a vampire.

You can defeat a vampire with fan fiction.

That’s right.

I know that to you, your fan fiction tribute to Star Wars or Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Game of Thrones or what have you is special but to the rest of the world and especially vampires, who have good taste when it comes to books, your fan fiction stinks. It really does.

No joke. If you read your fan fiction to a vampire he will hiss and fly away.

Have you ever read your fan fiction to a vampire?

Discuss in the comments.

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