Daily Archives: October 2, 2016

Zomcation – Chapter 17

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Earl walked across the cement floor of the Wombat World main receiving warehouse. Boxes of cheap, tacky toys and merchandise shipped in from third world labor camps lined the shelves.

His walkie-talked squawked.

“Hey Earl,” came the garbled voice of Doug. “Got a little boy here wearing a Kippy Kangaroo shirt. That’s the mascot of the theme park down the road. I’m going to bring him in for questioning.”

Earl pulled out his walkie-talkie and pressed the call button. “Doug, just stand there and do nothing until I get back.”

Too late. Doug’s voice came through once more. “Hey kid! Hold up! We don’t take kindly to kangaroo lovers around here…”

“Asshole,” Earl said as he holstered his radio.

The back end of a tractor trailer truck was lined up with the loading dock. Brother Klaus, still wearing Jim Bob’s clothing and sunglasses, stood inside the warehouse, waiting.

“Hello,” Earl said. “What have you got?”

“Oh just a whole mess of soda pop syrup, I reckon,” Brother Klaus said in a southern accent. “Hoo dowgie, traffic was a bear but I wrassled it all the way here, sure enough.”

“Got your ID?” Earl asked.

“Yessir,” Brother Klaus said as he handed over the driver’s license he pilfered from Jim Bob. “Can’t be too careful nowadays, especially with all them terrorists running around willy nilly.”

Earl inspected the license. It was issued in Florida. It listed the driver’s name as one James Robert Tucker. But something was off.

The security guard squinted at the photo, then looked up and squinted at Brother Klaus’s face.

“You lose a little weight there, fella?” Earl asked.

Brother Klaus was quiet for a moment, then patted his skinny, nearly non-existent belly. “Why I sure did, pardnah and thank you for asking. My wife done got me on that program where you stand on your head three times a day and you gotta slap yourself in the face with a wet noodle anytime you eat anything bigger than your fist. Works wonders.”

“Huh,” Earl said as he turned around and took out his walkie-talkie. “Hold on. I’m going to call this in.”

Brother Klaus reached into his pocket and pulled out a garrote wire.

“Chief?” Earl said into his walkie talkie.

“What is it, Earl?” the chief’s voice replied. “You know I hate it when people interrupt me during the View. Joy Behar is a national treasure.”

The cultist separated the two handles and gripped one into each of his hands.

“Sorry, Chief,” Earl said. “Look, I got a…”

The wire was around Earl’s throat. Brother Klaus yanked back with all his might, crushing his victim’s windpipe.

Earl dropped his radio on the ground. He threw his hands up and lunged at his attacker, but it was of no use. His eyes bugged out and his face turned purple.

“Earl, I don’t have all day here,” the Chief said. “Aww shit, Whoopi’s on fire today.”

“Gack.” Earl struggled a bit more.

“Earl, you there?” the Chief asked over the radio. “Eh, probably something to do with old shit for brains. Tell Doug to stop harassing the customers over piddly shit. I’ve gotten ten complaints already and I haven’t even had my breakfast burrito.”

“Ack.”

The long, difficult life of Earl Hutchins had come to an end.

Brother Klaus looked around and seeing no one, he pocketed his wire, then dragged Earl’s body through the warehouse until he found a dumpster. He lifted the lid, hoisted his victim in as if he were so much trash, then let the lid drop.

“Earl!” came the Chief’s voice. “Everything ok there?”

The cultist returned to the scene of the crime and picked up the radio.

“Shit,” the Chief said. “If you’re hurt or something let me know. I’d check it out but the ladies are about to tell me why my penis makes me inferior.”

Brother Klaus adopted his best, default American accent and pushed the call button. “Everything A-OK here, Chief.”

A moment passed.

“Earl, you sound funny,” the Chief said.

“Me?” Brother Klaus said. “No. Maybe your inferior penis has affected your brain.”

“Probably,” the Chief said. “Take it easy, Earl.”

“OK,” Brother Klaus said. He then returned to the dumpster, opened up the lid, chucked the radio in, then closed it.

It wasn’t a moment too soon, for as Brother Klaus returned to the trailer, a team of burly looking workers wearing yellow coveralls with Willy Wombat’s face on the back walked in.

“You got a delivery?” one of the workmen asked.

“Sure do,” Brother Klaus said. “Whole heap of soda pop gunk.”

“Where’s security?” the workman asked.

“Ahh there was a feller what come in here a few minutes ago,” Brother Klaus said, returning to a southern accent. “He gave it all a once over and said it looked good.”

“Weird,” the workman said. “They usually wait until we get here.”

The workman and Brother Klaus stared at each other for a bit.

“Oh well,” the workman said as he shrugged his shoulders. “Come on guys, lets get this all unloaded and off to the concession stands.”

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SNL takes on Ugliness/Prettiness

Ugly rights activist BQB here.

I found this skit hysterical.

So a reporter announces a sinkhole has swallowed up a bunch of cars at a shopping mall.  He starts to interview the couple but then it quickly devolves into the reporter and the other reporters in the studio questioning an ugly nerd on how he ended up married to a hot chick played by Margot Robbie.

Its funny because none of us admit it but so many relationships are based on looks.  Even as an ugly person if I see an ugly person with an attractive person I immediately think the ugly person must be rich or have something exciting going on in his/her life.

And even when the ugly person isn’t rich and/or doesn’t have an exciting life I immediately think the attractive person is a saint on par with Mother Theresa because inside I know if I were attractive I’d be chasing down hot babes all day long.

Or would I? Maybe if I were attractive I’d be happy in my own skin and wouldn’t feel the need to do that.

Sounds like a real chicken vs. the egg scenario.

Ugly bias, people. Its real…and funny.

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Movie Review – Deepwater Horizon (2016)

A real life oil rig catastrophe is turned into a movie.

SPOILER ALERT? Well, didn’t you have the TV on at all in 2010?

BQB here with a review of Deepwater Horizon.

This movie tells the story of the oil rig explosion that led to oil being spilled into the Gulf of Mexico for eighty-seven days in 2010.

Remember that news story, folks? Every day you’d turn on the TV and they’d have the video of all that oil spouting off into the water?

Yikes. Those days surely sucked.

Interestingly, this movie is all action, yet it also seeks to educate.

 

There’s a lot of science and engineering behind oil rig drilling. Thus, the film’s challenge from the beginning is to take a subject that experts take years to learn about and pass off the basics to the viewer, or at least the info they need to know so the movie isn’t entirely baffling.

At times, I felt like I learned something. At other times, the characters get into the complexities and my eyes glaze over and I’m just like, “Yup. This thing’s gonna blow up. Got it.”

As the film tells it, oil rig boss Jimmy Harrell (Kurt Russell) squares off against BP executive Vidrine (John Malkovich).  The overall implication that comes out of the movie is that BP was cutting corners, ignored Harrell’s advice and blah, blah blah I’ll let you watch it yourself but suffice to say, the whole thing went kaboom.

Here’s the big thing I noticed. This was an action film…but it was a realistic action film.

You know those action films where there’s an explosion and two seconds later the hero is fine?

Yeah. This isn’t one of those.

As the rig comes down, we see bones break, people get burned, thrown around, crushed and badly injured.  People end up running around in pain (and the pain shows) with pieces of glass and debris stuck in them.

In the midst of it all, people are people. Some do great, heroic things. Others get scared and panic.

As a viewer you’re like, “Wait!  Isn’t Arnold Schwarzenegger going to swoop in any minute now and save everyone and never get a scratch on him and then he’ll say a clever one liner?”

Nope. Heck, Mark Wahlberg as technician Mike Williams doesn’t even give us an SNL inspired, “Say hello to your mother for me.”

Gina Rodriguez stars as rig worker Andrea Fleytas and Kate Hudson stars as Mike’s wife.

Mmmm.  Kate Hudson. I’d jump off a burning oil rig to swim to her, by God.

What? Too soon to make jokes? Come on. It’s been six years.

This movie left me with a greater appreciation for people who have rough, dangerous jobs. If you know an oil rig worker, give him/her a hug…well….ask first. Remember, no means no.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Day 2 – Jaime Johnesee – What if there is a good zombie?

With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

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“Good zombie?”

Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?

Kind of like “honest politician” or “jumbo shrimp” or “a talented Bookshelf Q. Battler.”

But, like a diamond in the rough, they do exist.  Once in awhile you run into a zombie that won’t eat your brains, and not just because they were rotted out by the public school system.

Jaime Johnesee, author of Bob the Zombie told Bookshelf Q. Battler all about good zombies on the second day of his zomtastic adventure.

Check out that interview here.

And don’t forget to check out Jaime’s Amazon author page for some more thrills and chills.

Have you ever met a good zombie?  Tell me about it in the comments.

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#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Discos

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Vamps can’t dance.

Bleh!

#31WaystoDefeataVampire continues, 3.5 children of the night.

If you have a way to defeat a vampire, you should leave it in the comments or tweet it to Bookshelf Q Battler – @bookshelfbattle

Bleh! You could even leave it on his Facebook page.  While you’re at it, give it a like.  BQB’s Facebook page has less likes than Bea Arthur’s nude photo spread, bleh.

Discos.  You never knew these 1970s dance clubs are the bane of vampiric existence, did you?

Yes, the 1970s were a bad time for the vampires. Everyone was boogying down and we were going hungry.

Its not the flashing lights, or all the moronic clientele…its that vampires can’t dance for shit.

Think about it. Have you ever seen a vampire that can dance?

No. You haven’t.

Give a being eternal life and the ability to take what they want without consequence and few beings are willing to learn skills to improve themselves.

Vampires don’t take dancing lessons because they don’t care if you like they’re dancing.

Alas, vampires sneakily conspired to put most of this clubs out of business, but if you’re getting chased by a vampire in Germany, you could probably find a good disco to duck into.

Yeesh. Don’t get me started on the Germans.  They spent years trying to conquer the world and now they just want to be a bunch of dancing machines in leather pants.  Its like there’s no happy medium with those people.

Bleh! Until tomorrow, 3.5 readers.

 

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