Daily Archives: October 23, 2016

How My 3.5 Readers Can Multiply Themselves


Dear 3.5 readers,

We’ve had some good times, haven’t we?

There was that first year where I didn’t post that much because I was still learning what all the damn buttons do.

Not gonna lie. I’m still learning. It doesn’t help that WordPress changes shit around everyday. Hell, sometimes I’ll step away from the computer to drop a deuce and come back and shit has been changed.

No two visits are ever the same.

Then there was that second year where I concentrated on the blog, tossing up tons of material, doing my one post a day for a year challenge.

And finally, year three is the year where I finally finished the first rough draft of a novel.  Now I just have the long journey to getting it published and out there.

Let’s take a moment to talk about you, my 3.5 readers.

Oh how I adore you, 3.5 readers. I really do.

Many authors have humongous egos where they desire millions of readers.

Meanwhile, I have decided that I will always keep blogging as long as at least 3.5 people keep showing up to look at this drivel.

1.5 readers? I give up. 2.5? No thanks. 3.5? OK. Cool. I’ll keep posting.

But can we talk about how you, my 3.5 readers, can help me, BQB?

You guys are cool. You’re great. But what I need you do to is to become MORE than 3.5 readers.

You need to multiply, 3.5 readers. You really do.

Have you tried to multiply yourselves yet, 3.5 readers?

Here are some ways that you can be more than 3.5 readers:

  • Tell your friends about my fine blog.
  • No friends? Make one, then tell your new friend about my fabulous blog.
  • What do you mean, you don’t have any friends?
  • OK so go make a friend then.
  • Yes, I know that’s easier said than done, but look at your life, you need a friend.
  • I don’t know to make a new friend. How does anyone make one? You attend some type of social gathering, strike up a conversation with a person in attendance, develop a rapport, and then perhaps after six months of friendship you slide it in to your new friend that he/she should check out my blog.
  • No, I didn’t say to give your friend the boot after. Sheesh, I’m not heartless. I’m not telling you to engage in an elaborate scheme to make a friend, get them to look at my blog, then kick them to the curb after. You can keep being friends with your new friend if you want.
  • Bring my blog up in casual conversations. Example:

RANDOM PERSON: You know I’m really concerned about global warming, genocide, war, and the extinction of the East Pango Tangonian Tree Bird.

YOU: Cool. You know what I do when I’m worried? I read the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

  • Hire a sky writer to inform the masses about my fine blog.
  • Conduct massive amounts of research into discovering the cure to an exotic disease. When the press interviews about your amazing discovery, devote the entire interview to talking about my blog.
  • If you have a blog, tell your 3.5 readers about my blog. Then, my 3.5 readers and your 3.5 readers can mingle.
  • Become an astronaut.  Once in outer space, deploy a sign directing Earthlings to read my blog. Note the sign must be large enough to be read from outer space. Block out the sun if necessary.
  • Use Jurassic Park technology to bring a dinosaur back to life. Ride through the streets on said dinosaur whilst telling all the Looky Lous about my splendid blog.

OK.  So out of those, I suppose the most reasonable requests are to ask you to follow me on Twitter on Facebook.

So go do that.  And then, if you can find the time, the dinosaur thing.

Thank you, 3.5 readers.



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#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #23 – Time Travel

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire




Perhaps the best way to defeat a vampire is to build a time travel device, then travel back to before the time when a person was turned into a vampire, then stop that person from becoming a vampire.

But if you don’t have a time travel device handy, then you are screwed.

You really should stop being so lazy and get to work on building a time travel device.

#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Peter Cawdron – Outsmarting Zombies

With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian



They’re so dumb.

Or are they?

Last year, BQB talked to Peter Cawdron about outsmarting zombies.

Check out that interview here.

And don’t forget to check out Peter’s latest sci-fi adventure, Mars Endeavor, now on Amazon.

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SNL – David S. Pumpkins

Forget Philadelphia.

Step aside, Forrest Gump.

Go away, Castaway.

The David S. Pumpkins sketch (aka Haunted Elevator sketch) on Saturday Night Live is the best thing that Tom Hanks has ever done in his career.

I wonder if David S. Pumpkins is the long lost brother of Larry David’s Kevin “Can a bitch get a donut?” Roberts.

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Madame Tussaud’s New York City Part Two

So many celebrities so little time.

Johnny Depp – usually needs to be Jack Sparrow, Willy Wonka, or the Mad Hatter to be recognizable.

I’ll be there for you…

Anne Hathaway – hot and smart, a double threat I could never please.

Morgan Freeman narrated as Anne rejected me.

“I don’t believe in all my years I had ever seen such an epic rejection.”


Hitler…oh no, wait, Charlie Chaplin.

John Wayne, pilgrims.

Yippy ki yay.

No Lucy you can’t-a play at the club.

Sit in Don Draper’s chair.

They had a virtual reality Ghostbusters game. VR is here, 3.5.

He slimed me.

Hee hee!

Don’t make me close one more door, I don’t want to hurt anymore.

RIP Whitney.

Crap I forgot to find out if this was Venus or Serena. I will guess Serena.

Float like a butterfly…


She needs a wax meat dress.

Puffy taught me everything I know about being a media mogul.

I wanted there to be a wax Toto.

Madame Tussaud herself.

You know, 3.5 readers, it’s never too late. Madame Tussaud lived in obscurity until age 41, when she started going on tour with her wax creations in 1802. She even survived a shipwreck while sailing with her figures to Ireland.

Chase that dream, 3.5.

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BQB Does Madame Tussaud’s New York City


We love them. We worship them.

Alas, though we rarely, if ever, get to meet them, Madame Tussaud’s legendary wax figures give us the next best thing.

To my surprise, visitors are encouraged to to touch (I refrained from honking wax celebrity boobs) and to take pictures.

Madame Tussaud’s has definitely embraced the selfie generation as the masses love taking pics with their favorite wax celebs and posting them on social media.

Here are some of BQB’s faves:

“I’m wax Regis and I’m out of control!”

Kim Kardashian – the madam had to use a whole helluvalot of wax to craft that baronka donk.

Scarlett Johansson – I offered to buy this figure, not for perverted reasons, but because sometimes Video Game Rack Fighter goes away on business and I get ever so lonely.

OK so for perverted reasons.


I’m not sure who this man is but he was WAY more into the Scarlett Johansson figure than I was. 

Not gonna lie. Teenage me would have sprayed his shorts. Come to think of it, thirties me needs to change his undies.

Moving on…

Work, work, work, work, work. Sigh, Madam T wouldn’t sell me RiRi either.

 This is how we do dee doo.

I didn’t offer to buy her. I didn’t think I could handle it.

Jenna Marbles – this one warmed my usually otherwise cold heart, 3.5 readers.

No agents, auditions, or lucky breaks. Jenna hit it big with her YouTube videos.

To the best of my knowledge she’s the first Internet celebrity to be so honored.

Maybe Madam T will put a wax self-publisher on display one day?

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Fantasy Fights 2

Ok 3.5 readers.

Who would win a fantasy fight between:

Jean Claude Van Damme vs Jean Valjean

Cuba Gooding Jr vs the entire country of Cuba

Forrest Gump vs Forrest Whittaker

Forrest Gump and Forrest Whittaker as a team vs DeForrest Kelly, the original Bones McCoy on Star Trek

Same as above but they’re fighting in a forrest

A cowboy vs. a boy cow

Law and Order vs Law and Order: SVU

Santa Claus vs the Easter Bunny

Hal Holbrook vs HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey 

Donald Trump vs Donald Duck

Hillary Clinton vs Hillary from Fresh Prince of Bel Air