Daily Archives: October 20, 2016

Zomcation – Chapter 26

Paige and her tour guides were strapped into the first car of the Infernacoaster, with a metal bar pulled down tight over their laps.

“You know Paige,” Davey said. “You’re not like the other girls.”

Paige blushed. “I’m not?”

“No,” Davey replied. “I mean, they spent so much time worrying about so much superficial stuff, you know?”

“OMG I so know,” Paige said. “I said that the other day right after I noticed that skank face Heather Haskill didn’t even have a brand name screen protector for her cell phone.”

“All the girls I meet,” Davey said as he sipped his soda. “They spend so much time picking out their outfits but you? You just look like you rooted through your hamper and picked out whatever was the least stinky.”

“Umm,” Paige said as she sniffed her armpit. “Wait, what?”

“And then they spend all day on their hair,” Davey said. “Who cares? Its just hair. Women would be much happier if they felt comfortable enough in their own skin to walk around looking like they wake up in the morning and run an eggbeater through their hair.”

Paige sighed. “I use half a can of hair spray a day. It has a mind of its own.”

“And those zits,” Davey said. “They’re adorable. It’s like you can’t even be bothered to run to the pharmacy and get a tube of acne cream. You give off this whole ‘I don’t give a shit’ vibe that is very refreshing.”

“OK Davey,” Paige said. “You can stop with the compliments now.”

An announcer’s voice interrupted Paige’s utter embarrassment.

“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, welcome to the Infernacoaster!”

A.J. and B.J. sat behind Paige and Davey. C.J. had the third seat in the car all to himself.

“Wooo!” A.J. shouted.

“Infernacoaster!” C.J. yelled. “Yeah!”

“The only ride that lifts up, up, up into the heavens only to plunge you down into the deepest, darkest depths of Hell!”

“I’m not so sure about this,” Paige said.

Davey reached over and took Paige’s hand.

“You got this, girl,” Davey said. “And I got your back.”

At that exact moment, Paige wanted to live stream footage of her hand tucked inside Davey’s, but alas, her tablet was stowed for safekeeping in a compartment in front of her knees.

The announcer provided a laundry list of warnings.

“If you suffer from heart disease, are pregnant, thinking about ever becoming pregnant, or if you know someone who is pregnant, have been diagnosed as being mentally unstable, schizophrenic, or are chronically constipated, have the gout, the plague, rabies, scabies, or syphilis, take erectile dysfunction medication and have suffered debilitating bouts of priapism lasting longer than four hours or if you are a dwarf who has visited the third world within the past three to five years then it is recommended that you disembark the Infernacoaster immediately.”

“I have none of those problems!” A.J. shouted.

In true celebrity fashion, the boys hucked their soda cups out of the car and began a chant.


Davey gripped Paige’s hand tight, causing his new friend’s heart to thump like it was about to explode.

“Woo!” A.J. shouted.

“Paige and Davey gonna get it on!” B.J. hollered.

“Guys,” Davey said. “Come on.”

The announcer continued. “A reminder that Carruthers Brothers Amalgamated Studios, the parent corporation of Wombat World, is in no way, shape or form responsible for any issues you might suffer as a result of voluntarily riding the Infernacoaster. Such problems have been known to include, but are not limited to: facial ticks, paralysis, blurred vision, sudden outbursts of Tourette’s Syndrome, debilitating diarrhea, hallucinations, delusions of grandeur, dismemberment, decapitation and a rare mental disorder that causes a person to believe that his or her body is possessed by the reincarnated spirit of famously flamboyant nineteen-sixties piano player Liberace.”

“Those are all chances I am willing to take,” C.J. said.

“Also,” the announcer said. “Not gonna lie. You might die.”

“Boo!” A.J. shouted.

“Start the ride already!” B.J. added.

“And now for those foolish enough to have stayed,” the announcer said. “Enjoy…the Internacoaster!”

Rock and roll music blared. The car moved down the track, through an open door and into a dark tunnel. Maniacal laughter cut through the music. At the end of the tunnel, an enormous, plastic red devil face opened its mouth so that the car could travel through.

The car was outside now and headed up a steep slope. Up, up, up they went, high enough for a brief glimpse at a breathtaking sky’s eye view of the park and then…


The boys laughed. Paige’s stomach churned. The car hustled its way up into the sky again, then spiraled down, around and around as special effects encircled the car with what appeared to be fire.

“Wooo!” the boys cheered.

“Bleh!” shouted Paige as she hurled over the side, sending her partially digested breakfast down on the unsuspecting head of some poor innocent bystander down below.

As the car rose up another peak, it slowed down until finally it came to a complete stop at the top of the summit.

“What?” A.J. asked. “It’s never done this before.”

“A new twist?” B.J. asked. “Maybe Wombat World’s changing things up.”

Davey was hunched over in his seat, his head tucked between his knees.

“Ugh,” Davey said as he grabbed his stomach. “I don’t feel so good.”

“Me neither,” Paige said. “Forget the Shock Rocket. This is the ride that puts your stomach in your butt.”

Davey went quiet.

“Davey?” Paige asked as she tapped her new love interest in the shoulder. “Are you ok?”

The boy band member raised his head, then turned it toward Paige. His eyes were totally blank. His retinas had disappeared and only whiteness remained.

Paige recoiled. “O…M…G.”

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How the West Was Zombed = #170 on Wattpad Horror

That’s pretty high, 3.5 readers.

Please, if you have a minute, comment, like, etc and help push it up the ranks to increase my readership as my 3.5 readers are lonely.

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Be My 30,000 visitor

I’m approximately 230 visits away from having 30,000 visitors to this fine blog in two going on three years.

At this rate I’ll get a million visits by the year 4757.

Be my 30,000th reader, 3.5 readers.

Top Ten Disney Characters that are Worse than you think

#10 – Belle

Ughh. Goes on and on about how she loves the Beast for his heart on the inside but doesn’t put out until he’s transformed into a stud muffin with mad cash.

#9 – Olaf

Adorable? No. Incompetent snowman with a death wish.

#8 – Ariel

Refuses to carry on with the family business of ruling the world under the sea. Breaks her father’s heart by throwing it all away on some dude she just met. Very rude to her Jamaican crab friend/music instructor.

#7 – Goofy and Pluto

Goofy is a dog yet is considered a man. 

Pluto is a dog yet is considered Mickey’s property/pet.

Clearly there’s disparate treatment amongst the different Disney canine classes.

#6 – Pinnochio

Pathological liar. Failed to realize his full potential by declining to run for Congress.

#5 – The Rescuers vs Mickey

More disparate treatment, this time amongst the mouse classes.

Mickey is a mouse who walks and talks and acts like a man. The Rescuers are mice but talk like humans. WTF?

#4 – Princesses vs Princes

Everyone complains that Disney princesses teach little girls to be helpless and wait for a rich handsome prince to solve all their problems.

Valid point but what do little boys learn from all this?

Better be rich and handsome and have enough money for a woman to use you as an ATM machine and have the ability to solve all her problems or else no woman for you.

Sigh. Maybe Walt was just trying to warn boys what they’re in for when they grow up. Art imitates life.

#3 – Chip and Dale


No. Filthy, disease ridden criminals who have engaged in rampant duck abuse for years.

#2 – Snow White

Bimbo who lived with seven tiny perverts.

Full disclosure – I have no reason to assume the dwarves were perverts.

Come to think of it, they were complete gentlemen at all times.

#1 – Elsa

Could use her ice powers to rule with any icy fist. Refuses. Epic fail.

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#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Day 20 Rachel Higginson – Zombified Romance

With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian


Zombies. Romance.

Romance. Zombies.

Is it possible for romance to blossom amidst a zombie apocalypse?

BQB talked to Rachel Higginson last year about this very topic.

Check out that interview here.

And don’t forget to check out Rachel’s Love and Decay series on Amazon.

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#31WaysToDefeatAVampire -Way #20 – Bunny Rabbits

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire


They may look cute, small, furry and adorable but in reality, all bunny rabbits are ninjas.

Always keep a bunny rabbit in your house and he will protect you from vampires.

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