Niu is named Scholar of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, a position that requires him to tend to the clan’s library and oversee the education of the youngest kung fu students.
Junjie pines for Mei-Ling and is told by the Infallible Master to choose between love or power.
Bohai meets Dragonhand and succumbs to the power of zom fu.
Thump…thump…thump…thump…
As Bohai came to, the sound of a steady drumbeat filled his ears. His arms and legs were bound to a long tree branch that the zombified warriors used to carry the young man as though he were a bundle.
Lickspittle led the procession into the clearing, where zombified warriors danced and growled like wildebeests, bathing in blood and guts that they tossed at one another, feasting on the limbs and organs of the fallen members of the mystifying monkey slap clan.
“Ooof!” Bohai found himself face first in the dirt when the warriors dropped him. Next came Lickspittle’s voice.
“I hope this offering pleases you master,” the lackey said.
“It better,” Dragonhand replied.
“This human was feisty and fought like a lion,” Lickspittle said. “Hot, delicious blood courses through his veins, oh mighty Dragonhand.”
“Dragonhand.” Bohai’s spine tingled upon hearing the name.
The zombified warriors cut Bohai free then wrenched him to his feet and held him before their master.
“Hmm,” Dragonhand said as he looked over the specimen. “Strong…sturdy…and what’s this?”
The fiend tapped on Bohai’s shoulder, where the claw of an actual tiger had been emblazoned on his robe.
“It appears we have a disciple of the Infallible Master,” Dragonhand said as he backhanded Lickspittle. “You fool! Was he followed?”
Lickspittle cowered and hid his face behind his forearms. “No, master! He was all alone! Surely no one would dare attack a camp held by the glorious Dragonhand!”
“Dragonhand.” That name again. Bohai’s mind raced.
The fiend grabbed his prey by the face, forcing Bohai to look upon his captor’s blank eyes.
“You’re a long way from home.”
Silence.
“What have you got to say for yourself?” Dragonhand asked.
More silence.
“What’s your name?” Dragonhand asked.
Bohai refused to speak. Lickspittle struck the captive but was instantly pushed aside by Dragonhand.
“Do not come between me and a brain, insolent wretch!”
“A thousand apologies, master,” Lickspittle said.
Dragonhand leaned in and sniffed Bohai’s hair, a move that the young man was not expecting at all.
“Umm,” Bohai muttered.
“Shh,” Dragonhand said as he pressed a gray finger against Bohai’s lips. Dragonhand opened his mouth, produced his slimy tongue and licked the captive’s head.
“Sir?” Bohai said. “I do believe there’s been a mistake…”
Dragonhand ran his tongue up and down Bohai’s cranium, coating every single strand of the fighter’s hair with sticky spit.
“…it’s just that I fancy females is all and so I am not well-suited for…whatever this is…”
“Your brain speaks to me,” Dragonhand said as he stepped back. “I can smell it. Taste it. Your skull attempts to hide it from me but I know the thoughts on your mind at present.”
Bohai laughed.
“Your name is Bohai,” Dragonhand said.
Bohai stopped laughing.
“You were one of the Infallible Master’s top four students,” Dragonhand said. “Yesterday, there was a competition over the Staff of Ages. You bested a female student and thus, you believe you are, by right, the Twentieth Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw.”
Bohai scoffed. “That uh…you could have heard that from anyone. People talk.”
“Your fellow disciple, a young man by the name of Junjie, was awarded the staff,” Dragonhand said. “During the battle, you told him that you would gladly kill him and the remaining members of the tiger claw clan and step over their graves in order to rule.”
“Well,” Bohai said. “When you put it that way…”
“You regret saying that,” Dragonhand said. “But you should not.”
“I shouldn’t?” Bohai asked.
“No,” Dragonhand replied. “The Infallible Master was a bumbling old fool when I studied under him years ago and I am certain he remains a bumbling old fool today.”
“I…I don’t know if he’s that bad,” Bohai said.
“He is,” Dragonhand said. “You think it. You’ve said it to him. You’ve said it to your fellow students. You are reluctant to say it to me as a slight trace of loyalty towards the Infallible Master remains in you and you know I am the Infallible Master’s enemy.”
“Do I?” Bohai said. “I…I don’t know you.”
Dragonhand grinned. “Do not lie. The master has long warned you that if you do not mend your so-called evil ways, that you will end up like me. You thought I was a fairy tale.”
“I might have said something like that,” Bohai said.
The fiend nodded to his subordinates. They released the captive but within seconds, Dragonhand was lifting Bohai up into the air by his throat.
“Do I look like a fairy tale to you?” Dragon asked.
“Ack,” Bohai said as he pawed at his throat. His eyes bulged. His face turned purple.
Wham! Dragonhand threw his new plaything to the ground. Bohai gasped and wheezed. “I never knew it was possible to learn so much about a person by licking their head!”
“Oh,” Dragonhand said with a chuckle. “That’s a skill that is only learned through years of being a connoisseur of head meat. Stand up. You look pathetic just lying there.”
Bohai stood up.
“You remind me of my younger self,” Dragonhand said. “Do you know why?”
Without skipping a beat, Bohai gave his answer. “You used to look this good as well?”
“Ha,” Dragonhand said. “Indeed I did, but that’s not why. Like you, the Infallible Master held me back. He knew I was the best student of my generation but he kept me from pursuing the power I deserved, so I left the tiger claw clan, raised my own group of warriors and look at me now.”
“What are you?” Bohai asked.
Dragonhand glared at Bohai. “The next Emperor. Serve me, and you will be the Twentieth Infallible Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw.”
Bohai gulped. “And if I refuse?”
“Then I’ll enjoy your screams as I feast on your flesh,” Dragonhand said. “But I know you won’t refuse.”
“You do?” Bohai asked.
“Yes,” Dragonhand answered. “Because your brain tells me that you wish to be the tiger claw clan’s next master more than anything in the world.”
Bohai shrugged his shoulders. “I do but…I’m not without honor. I suppose a part of me still cares for those morons.”
Dragonhand snapped his fingers. Lickspittle hurried over and handed his boss a bag, the bottom of which was dripping with blood. The fiend reached inside and pulled out a disgusting brain.
“Is that what I think it is?” Bohai asked.
“Yes,” Dragonhand said as he held the brain out towards his captive. “It belonged to Changpu, the trusted right hand of the Vengeful Master.”
“This is meant to frighten me?” Bohai asked.
“No,” Dragonhand said. “This is meant to nourish you.”
“I’m good, thanks,” Bohai said. “I had a big bowl of brains just before I got here and I’m feeling a little bloated.”
Dragonhand pushed the brain closer until it was less than an inch from Bohai’s face.
“Knowledge is power,” Dragonhand said. “Taste this brain and you will never again be held back by cowards who are too afraid to allow you to realize your full potential.”
Bohai turned away and shut his eyes, refusing to even look at the gruesome meal. “You’ll just have to kill me.”
Dragonhand nodded to his henchmen. They grabbed the captive by the arms and held them. Bohai struggled wildly, but it was no use.
The fiend yanked Bohai’s jaw downward, gripped the young fighter’s tongue and rubbed the brain against it.
Bohai stopped fighting. He felt a spike of adrenaline, a rush that made him feel like an unstoppable juggernaut. He held the palms of his hands out flat in front of him.
“The mystifying monkey slap!” Bohai said.
“The same,” Dragonhand replied. “Devour this brain and you will be unstoppable.”
Bohai snarled like a wild dog and ripped the brain out of Dragonhand’s grip. He dove to the ground and buried his teeth into it, tearing and ripping and chewing away.
Dragonhand laughed at the sight of his new disciple.
“Young one,” Dragonhand said. “Your new master has a favor to ask of you.”
Bohai looked up from his feast. His lips were soaked in blood. His eyes were blank. Only the whites remained.
“Anything master.”
By mid-afternoon, Bohai was several miles away from the sanctuary he once called home. He laid down underneath a tree and closed his eyes.
“By tomorrow morning those idiots will come looking for me,” Bohai said. “When they find me they’ll drop to their knees and beg me to come back but no…I will never come back unless they accept me as their master.”
Bohai drifted off to sleep, muttering to himself all the while. “They’ll thank me for this one day. They really will. Junjie as the Twentieth Infallible Master. Please. Just appoint a spineless jellyfish to be the Emperor while you’re at it.”
Snap. Somewhere in the forest, a twig cracked in two. Bohai opened one eye. Tree leaves rustled. Another snap. Bohai opened his other eye.
Growls and snarls cut through the silence as four of Dragonhand’s undead warriors jumped out of the trees. Bohai sprang to his feet and without thinking, turned himself into a furious kicking, punching whirlwind.
Pow! Foot to the first warrior’s drooping face. Smash! A punch to the second warrior’s boil covered face. Crack! A backflip kick to the third warrior’s gangrenous face. Punch…punch…punch…punch…punch…punch. Bohai worked the ribcage of the fourth warrior.
“Why isn’t this working?” Bohai asked. The young fighter looked up and for the first time, caught a good look at his opponent’s face. The zombified warrior’s eyes were blank, the hair on his head was patchy, his face was gray and scarred and his teeth? They snapped up and down as the monstrous man lunged at Bohai.
“What are you?” Bohai asked as he jumped into the air and spin kicked in a circular formation, giving each beast a smack in the face with his foot.
“Errgh.” The zombified warriors growled and closed in on Bohai.
“Come on, then!” Bohai shouted as he put his fists up. “I can do this all day!”
Bonk! Bohai felt something heavy hit him in the back of the head. He fell forward, flat on his face, and passed out.
“Errgh!” The zombies rejoiced and pawed at the body, preparing to break off a few pieces until Lickspittle shooed them away with a shovel.
“None for you, vultures!” the lackey said. “If the master wants a live snack then the master gets a live snack.”
Hello. I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler, a world renowned poindexter, reviewer of pop cultural happenings, epic nerdventurer and a champion yeti fighter.
Additionally, I’m an accomplished philanthropist and activist. My causes include “Stop Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death” (a rare condition that occurs when the subject eats a toaster pastry that has been struck by a bolt of lightning, then dies on the toilet while trying to expel the aforementioned lightning bolt) and #OscarsSoPretty (a movement dedicated to giving more golden statues to people who look like bronzed gargoyles).
Today, I announce a new cause – “Don’t Buy Your Kids a Bunch of Presents on Christmas Only to Then Turn Around and Complain That Your Kids Got a Lot of Presents.”
How it Starts
Mom and Dad work hard all year and spend a bunch of money on toys to make kids happy. They put a lot of work into it – shopping, hiding the toys so the kids don’t find them early, wrapping them, putting them under the tree and so on.
Grandma, Grandpa, Aunts and Uncles often get into the act. They love the kids so they get the kids presents, wrap them…the adults in the family will coordinate and ask each other what the kids like, what toys do they already have so they don’t get the wrong thing and so on.
And then after they do all this work, they just ruin it by turning Christmas morning into one long, drawn out bitch and moan session about how these kids have it so good and they had it so terrible.
:::Kid opens present:::
ADULT #1: Oh look at that! Aren’t you special?
ADULT #2: Yeah, when I was a kid I didn’t get anything like that.
ADULT #3: My parents made me get a rock from the back yard, draw a smiley face on it with a magic marker, then bring it inside, wrap it, and put it under the tree myself.
ADULT #4: You had a magic marker? Ha! My parents couldn’t even afford markers. I just had to pretend my rock had a smiley face.
KID’S BRAIN: Umm…I’m sorry?
The Two Types of Kid’s Christmas Present Complaints Made By Adults
#1 – That didn’t exist when I was a kid and I wish it did.
This one is a little more understandable. Time marches on. Inventors invent. Scientists science up some shit. New products are created.
You wish you had better toys to play with when you were young. Even aside from toys, you think your life might have been better had this product or that product been around when you were younger.
I feel your pain. I am unwaveringly convinced that had YouTube existed when I was twenty, I would have gotten a spot on Saturday Night Live and be well into my movie career by now.
But hey, just because today a creative person can buy everything they need to put on a web show at Best Buy for a reasonable price doesn’t mean I should hate on youngsters who do that, or hate on myself because of…what? I was born in a time when video cameras where giant contraptions you had to hold on your shoulder and even when you did record something there was no way for the average person to share it with the world?
Be happy that science is constantly creating new inventions. Hopefully, science will eventually find ways to save the world and bring about peace and so on.
Don’t be sad whatever you are interested in now wasn’t around when you are a kid. If you are healthy enough to complain, then you are healthy enough to go get whatever it is now and use it.
Hell, if I weren’t so wretchedly ugly, I’d make my own YouTube show. Sure, I was wretchedly ugly when I was a twenty year old but people would have been like, “Good for him. That wretchedly ugly twenty year old is doing something with his life.”
Today, if I did it, people would be like, “Eww…that wretchedly ugly man is trying too hard to look cool.”
And who knows? Maybe all these new inventions aren’t great. Maybe we were better off without them when we were younger. Maybe we talked more. Maybe we were more willing to listening to different points of view instead of retreating into Internet bubbles that rehash our viewpoints.
Maybe life was better in the 1990s when people would have thought you were an asshole for taking pictures of your lunch to show people what your lunch looks like.
#2 – My parents couldn’t afford something like that.
Sorry to hear that, but when you make this complaint, you’re missing the big picture.
You’re making this complaint because secretly, or perhaps not so secretly, you are jealous of your kids. Your parents struggled and didn’t have much money. Thus, you had to go without. You would have enjoyed fancy toys and so on as a kid.
Yeah, your childhood was hard, but if you are complaining that your kid got something you didn’t get, then don’t be sad your kid got something you didn’t get. Be happy that you overcame your past and put yourself into a position where can afford to buy your kids things that you weren’t able to get as a kid.
And you know what? If you are healthy enough to complain, then you are healthy enough to play with that toy now. It isn’t too late. Grab it while your kid isn’t looking and play with it or hell, you’ve got the money now, buy yourself one of your very own.
CONSIDER THIS…
Christmas is supposed to be great for everyone, but really, it is the best for kids. They don’t have money. They have no ability to get any. They have minds full of mush. They still think the world is a magical place where a wonderful flying fat man can make all of their dreams come true.
Don’t worry about knocking them down a peg. As soon as they grow up and venture into the real world, there will be a long line of people (employers, boyfriends/girlfriends etc.) who will be more than willing to tell them that they aren’t good enough, so let them enjoy the toy that wasn’t around or that was unaffordable when you were a kid, because once a kid grows up and realizes dreams don’t just magically happen, even when you do try real hard, the holiday season begins to lose its luster.
IN CONCLUSION…
Don’t put a lot of time, money, and effort into buying your kids presents only to turn Christmas morning into a bitch and moan session about how lousy you had it and how great your kids have it.
Kids hear more than you think, and while they may not understand certain things you say today, they might look back as adults and realize what you were saying, that you were mad at them for having something you didn’t have.
If you really, truly, honestly can’t help but hate on your kids for having a better Christmas than the ones you had growing up, then just save your time, money, and effort and don’t buy any presents. Tell the kid to go into the back yard and pick a rock and imagine that it has a smiley face.
Sure, the kid will be sad now, but when he is an adult, he won’t have to deal with all of the emotional stress that comes with feeling bad because he got better presents than his parents did.
So how should Christmas morning go from now on?
ADULT #1 – Hooray, you got that toy!
ADULT #2 – Good for you! Have a lot of fun with it.
But seriously, in private, when the kids aren’t around, feel free to bitch and moan to each other all you want and hell, if you can think of a nice way to say it, maybe remind the kids now and then that money doesn’t grow on trees so they should take care of their toys and don’t break them and shit because there are starving, toyless children in Africa otherwise they might grow up to become self-absorbed douches.
Ahh hell…what do I know? Do whatever you want. I’m not a child psychologist. Merry Christmas.
The tiger claw clan’s sanctuary was surrounded by high walls. The main gates served as the only point of entry or exit and as the sun rose, Bohai headed for them with Junjie in tow.
“Brother!”
Bohai ignored Junjie and kept walking forward with his head held high and his nose in the air.
“Brother,” Junjie. “Will you stop?”
Bohai refused. He walked even faster.
Junjie put his hand on Bohai’s shoulder. “Can we talk about this?”
Bohai slapped Junjie’s hand away. “There is nothing to talk about.”
“Stay,” Junjie said.
“Not a chance,” Bohai said. “I am the greatest of all the up and coming young kung fu warriors.”
“Which is precisely why I need you here to help me lead the clan when the master is gone,” Junjie said.
Bohai stopped and smirked. “Do you have any idea how ignorant you sound?”
“No,” Junjie said. “But since we were small you’ve never missed an opportunity to tell me, so let’s hear it.”
Bohai poked his finger into Junjie’s chest. “A leader doesn’t need help leading. A leader leads.”
“All leaders have advisors,” Junjie said. “Even the Emperor has counselors.”
“Ha,” Bohai said. “You are no Emperor. Now leave me be so I can go where my genius will be appreciated.”
Bohai started walking. Junjie followed.
“Bohai,” Junjie said. “You are appreciated.”
Bohai flicked his hand, waving off the sentiment as though it meant little to him.
“You are loved,”Junjie said.
“Drivel,” Bohai replied.
“Bohai,” Junjie said. “You may be an arrogant, egotistical, stubborn, self-centered horse’s ass, but damn it, you are our arrogant, egotistical, stubborn, self-centered horse’s ass. I know you didn’t mean what you said about being willing to kill us all and walk over our graves just to get the Staff of Ages.”
“I did mean it,” Bohai said. “Every word of it.”
“You didn’t,” Junjie replied.
The two warriors locked eyes and stared at each other.
“And what makes you so sure of that?” Bohai asked.
“Because you aren’t doing it right now,” Junjie answered.
Bohai looked away. “You speak the gibberish of a child.”
“I speak the truth,” Junjie said. “I have no doubt you could overpower me, Mei-Ling, Niu, the Master, even the rest of the disciples and take the Staff of Ages by force if you really wanted to.”
“That is the truth,” Bohai said.
“So why are you running way instead of doing just that?” Junjie asked.
“Bah,” Bohai said as he walked onward. “Drivel.”
Junjie remained in place but shouted after his longtime friend. “Because you love us, Bohai!”
Bohai waved his hand behind him as if he were trying to shoo away an annoying dog.
“One day you will wake up alone and regretful for abandoning your clan,” Junjie said.
“Nonsense!” Bohai cried.
“And when that day comes, I hope you will return!” Junjie shouted.
“Never!” Bohai replied.
“You know you will be welcome,” Junjie said.
“Don’t wait for me, imbecile,” Bohai said as he reached the gate.
Feeling defeated, Junjie turned and walked back to the temple.
A burly man wearing steel plated body armor and a helmet shouted down from the top of the wall.
“Behold and hear me, for I am Kang the Magnificent, Guardian of the Gate of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw. I have vanquished scores of evildoers in my day and all are well advised to stay on the good side of my humble nature. Bask in my…”
Bohai scoffed. “Kang. Come now. I’ve heard this litany a million times.”
“Then you shall hear it a million and one times!” Kang shouted. “Bask in my glory and recognize that I will not be swayed in my duty to protect the walls that keep my illustrious clan safe. Identify yourself immediately!”
“Are you kidding me?” Bohai asked. “We’ve known each other for years.”
“You will identify yourself or be turned away,” Kang said.
Bohai sighed. “Bohai.”
“Hmm,” Kang said. “Yes. You do appear to be Bohai.”
“Right,” Bohai said. “Let’s move this along.”
“State your business for approaching the gate,” Kang said.
“To locate the nearest brothel, where I will fornicate with your mother in exchange for my pocket change,” Bohai replied.
Kang looked to his left and right. Upon seeing that no one else was watching, the mighty gatekeeper broke character.
“Come on, man. I told you about my mother in confidence.”
“I approach the gates in order to abandon this clan,” Bohai said.
“Yeah, right,” Kang said.
“I do not lie,” Bohai said.
“Why would you want to do a dumb thing like that?” Kang asked.
“The Staff of Ages has been promised to Junjie, even though I am far more worthy,” Bohai answered.
“Oh,” Kang said. “Dick measuring contest. Say no more.”
Kang yanked a lever and a series of gears turned round and round, culminating in the iron gate opening.
Bohai stepped outside of the sanctuary’s walls.
“Is this a permanent thing or are you just going to hide in the woods until everyone comes crying to you and telling you they’re sorry and shit?” Kang asked.
“It is permanent,” Bohai said.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Kang replied.
“I am not,” Bohai said.
Merry Christmas 3.5 readers.
Bookshelf Q. Battledog, World’s Worst Security Dog
No wonder the Yeti is always taking over BQB HQ.
Merry Christmas and Yippy Ki Yay 3.5 motherfuckers!
It’s time to talk about why Die Hard should be your favorite Christmas movie:
#10 – First action film where the hero didn’t have almost super hero like powers. In the 1980s, Schwarzenegger and Stallone put out a shit ton of flicks where they’d shoot ten million bad guys without ever reloading and never get a scratch on them. Meanwhile, McClane is a cop, so he has training, but this one man vs. a terrorist organization is a situation that your average cop couldn’t handle on his own. Though I love Arnie and Sly, I can relate to McClane.
#9 – Hans Gruber is a bad ass, a gentleman super thief who is all about the money. He love suits, love talking about gentlemanly activities, and calmly enjoys a shrimp cocktail he snagged from the Nakatomi Christmas party as he informs the guests they’ll be shot if they try anything funny. RIP Alan Rickman.
#8 – It launched Reginald VelJohnson’s career and gave us Family Matters. In Die Hard, Reginald plays working class father/cop Al Powell, McClane’s only friend on the outside. While all the law enforcement big wigs worry about rules and procedures, McClane and Al share that same cut the BS mindset. Carl Winslow is so similar to Powell that you could, if you want, just assume that Al couldn’t take all the heat after Nakatomi, so he moved to Chicago, transferred to the Chicago PD, and raised a family next door to a nerd named Steve Urkel who lusts after his daughter and blows up his house with his harebrained science experiments.
I really feel there should have been at least one episode where Carl should have shouted, Yes, Steve! You did do that! And living next door to you is worse than the Christmas I spent talking John McClane through the Nakatomi Tower terrorist bank robber attack!”
#7 – Argyle plays Run-DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis” as he drives McClane to the Christmas party. It is truly the best of all Christmas rap songs. One might argue that “Christmas Wrapping” by the Waitresses qualifies but…eh, it’s really an 80s love ballad disguised as a rap. The Waitresses were great, but they didn’t represent Queens.
#6 – McClane is also relatable because of his marital troubles. Sometimes a couple can have a fight and there is no easy answer as to who is right. Holly got a great job that took her to LA. Yes, McClane could have supported her but then again he had his own career as a New York police officer and she signed up to be with a man based in New York when she married him. Reverse the situation and you might think McClane to be a dick if he were hired for a job with the LAPD and demanded that his wife give up a job she enjoyed in NYC. Hell, if she makes enough, maybe McClane could have just left police work all together and moved to LA with his wife and taken a job as a security guard at Disney Land or something, though I doubt he would have enjoyed that.
#5 – McClane and Powell both have the same receding hairline, yet Hollywood suits allowed them to be main characters in a movie anyway. Sigh. If they ever remake Die Hard without Bruce Willis (blasphemy, for it really is a perfect movie) they surely will hire some hot stud muffin douche with a full head of hair.
#4 – Great lines that have worked their way into pop culture. “Yippy ki yay motherfucker!” because, after all, McClane was a baby boomer and baby boomers loved their cowboy films. A similar hero today might quote from a comic book movie or something. Also, I have found myself saying, “Welcome to the party, pal” on occasion, usually when someone realizes something way later than they should have.
#3 – Die Hard with a Vengeance is really the best sequel in the franchise. Die Hard 2 is ok and/or acceptable. However, in 4 and 5 (the films that take place in the 2000s), the franchise takes a bad turn when they do break the “average guy caught at the wrong place at the wrong time” as we see McClane starting to have those Arnie/Sly-like supernatural action hero powers. Yes, I think a plucky young cop might be able to suck it up and run through a floor full of glass with no shoes on and survive (as it happens in the original). No, I don’t a cop could hang onto the nose of a fighter jet and survive (as happens in 4).
#2 – Dick Thornburgh is an epic douche, as most media types are. See? Reporters were douches like before social media. All about hype, not really caring if they hurt anyone (i.e. barging into the McClane residence and broadcasting that Holly is married to John, thus making the situation much more dangerous).
#1 – Arnie was originally considered for McClane’s role. Arnie was great, and very much the John Wayne of the 1980s, but I’m glad Willis got the role. Die Hard might have been ok with Arnie, but a massive Austrian weightlifter who probably could rip terrorists in half off screen as well as on screen just isn’t as relatable as an average cop with a receding hairline and a wife he’s separated from.
In conclusion, Die Hard is my favorite Christmas movie and it should be yours too. Thanks, 3.5
Far outside the sanctuary’s walls, Junjie stood near a cliff and practiced his anti-stress moves. The Soaring Eagle. The Perplexed Dove. The Wounded Butterfly. They were more or less the same as they all required him to close his eyes and slowly wave his arms up and down while maintaining his balance on a short, stubby tree stump.
The trick was that he had to stand one one foot the entire time. Thus, the handsome hero was given quite a start when the master’s voice came out of nowhere.
“Junjie.”
“Whoa, whoa…whoa!” Junjie cried as he tumbled backward and fell into the grass. He looked up to find a transparent apparition that sure looked a lot like…
“Infallible Master!” Junjie shouted as he stood up.
“Yes?” the apparition replied.
Timidly, Junjie pressed his hand through the apparition’s form and marveled as it passed right through.
Junjie’s lips quivered. His hand shook. “Oh master! You’re dead!”
“What?” the master asked. “No. I’m just practicing the art of astral projection.”
“Astral…what-jection?” Junjie asked.
“Astral projection,” the master repeated. “The ability to separate body from spirit so that both may exist on the same plane.”
“Is that even possible?” Junjie asked.
“Obviously,” the master said. “Though it is a feat that has taken me a thousand years to achieve. It is the most complex skill that a kung fu master can acquire. I only figured it out recently.”
“So, if your spirit is here, where is your body now?” Junjie asked.
“Back meditating in my room,” the master replied. “Though it has been known to get up and do things without me. It could be making breakfast for all I know. One time I caught it dancing.”
The master looked down at his student’s hand. It was still lodged in the stomach area of the master’s spirit.
“My son,” the master said. “If you intend to keep your hand there much longer you will have to make me dinner.”
“Oh,” Junjie said as he pulled his hand back. “I’m sorry.”
The master stepped towards the cliff. “Beautiful day.”
“Yes,” Junjie replied. “I practice here most mornings. Here, I can enjoy the peace, the quiet, the cool air…”
“…the interesting scenery,” the master said as he pointed his translucent finger toward Mei-Ling, who was practicing her moves by the banks of the river below, unaware that she was being watched.
“What?” Junjie asked. “Who? Her? I didn’t even notice she was there.”
“Come now, my son,” the master said. “As Guowei, the Seventh Infallible Master used to say, ‘He who spreads bullshit to a shitter of bulls is bound to get shit on his face.’”
“How can one be a shitter of bulls?” Junjie asked.
“I have no idea,” the master said. “The Seventh Infallible Master was a big fan of the opium so I doubt he knew either, but the point is, stop lying. There is no need to and it does not befit you.”
Junjie sighed. “I love her so, master.”
“Hmm,” the master grunted. “And does she feel the same way about you?”
“I hope so,” Junjie said. “Though I don’t know, really. We’ve had some talks. Well, I talked. She listened and made various faces of an inconclusive nature.”
“Ah,” the master said. “Women were a puzzlement a thousand years ago and little has changed since. There can be no doubt that they will always be a mystery.”
“A beautiful mystery,” Junjie said.
“And unfortunately, if you are to be the Twentieth Master, Mei-Ling shall have to remain a mystery that you will never solve.”
Junjie looked sullen. “I figured as much.”
“My son,” the master said. “I would never stand in the way of the happiness of my students. If she loves you, and you her, and if a life together is what you both desire, then I bid you both to go into the world and start a family of your very own.”
“That is a nice thought,” Junjie said.
“But whether you are a master or a disciple, the path of kung fu is a lonely one,” the master said. “It requires your complete and undivided attention. Love your fellow students. Love your family. But romantic love has no place within our sanctuary’s walls. It is a dangerous distraction that could get you or another disciple killed.”
“I know,” Junjie said. “And I have no idea what to do.”
“Extending your life indefinitely while serving as the Twentieth Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw is a rare opportunity,” the master said.
“It is,” Junjie replied.
“But,” the master said. “Loving someone who loves you back is just as rare. She may even bring you more happiness than the Staff of Ages could. I would not know. It has been over a thousand and seventy years since I’ve known the love of a woman.”
Junjie choked back a cough. “A thousand and…”
“Yeah,” the master said. “You won’t be getting boom boom anytime soon if you become the next master so keep that in mind. No one told me that before I signed up for the job, let me tell you.”
“But master,” Junjie said. “The Staff chose me.”
“It did,” the master said. “But you must also choose it.”
“What happens if someone rejects the staff’s power?” Junjie asked.
“Honestly?” the master asked as he stroked his beard. “I don’t know. No one has ever done it before.”
“I have a lot to think about,” Junjie said.
“Indeed,” the master replied. “And not much time within which to do your thinking. My body grows weaker and I fear the Staff will allow me to expire soon. I would like to know that the Twentieth Master is in place before I make my way to Diyu.”
“This is all so much,” Junjie said.
“Well,” the master said. “My advice would be that you talk to Mei-Ling…as much as you can. You wouldn’t want to give up the chance at being a kung fu master for a woman who doesn’t love you…but you also wouldn’t want to take on this life changing role without knowing how the woman you love feels about you.”
“Do you know if she loves me?” Junjie asked.
“Ha,” the master said. “I may be the master of the greatest of all kung fu clans, but I will never be a master when it comes to the female mind. Talk to her, my son. Reveal the mystery of her heart and make a decision.”
“What if I make the wrong one?” Junjie asked.
“Then you will fall on your face and live with the consequences forever,” the master said.
“Huh,” Junjie said. “I was hoping for a better response.”
“Welcome to adulthood,” the master said.
The master’s ghostly form disappeared and left Junjie to observe the woman he loved all by himself.
“What am I going to do?” Junjie asked himself.
Poof! The master’s apparition appeared again.
Junjie’s frightened scream was mildly reminiscent of a woman. “Ack!”
“But seriously,” the master said. “Make a decision before tomorrow morning because the clock is ticking.”
Poof. The master’s spirit disappeared. Junjie waited a full minute before deciding he was all alone.
“Oh Mei-Ling,” Junjie said as he observed Mei-Ling practice her stances. “How I wonder what you think of me.”
Poof! The master was back and this time, he scared Junjie so much that the young man had to clutch his heart and breathe deeply just to slow it down.
“Master!” Junjie said. “You have to stop doing that!”
“Oh sorry,” the master said. “I thought this was the kitchen.”
Poof!
In the courtyard of his clan’s sanctuary, the master held his hands behind his back and paced back and forth as he trained the three hundred members of the tiger claw clan. Each member stood before a pole with a straw dummy attached.
“Claw!” the master shouted.
The students held out their hands as if they were claws.
“Strike!”
The students slashed their clawed hands through the dummies’ chests, allowing straw to spill out everywhere.
“Seize!”
Each student grabbed hold of an orange.
“Twist!”
The students twisted their hands back and forth, though in this simulation, there were no guts to fight through.
“Yank!”
The students removed their oranges and held them up victoriously.
“Disciples,” the master said. “All kung fu clans have been trusted with one signature move, a move that when utilized, can devastate an opponent. We have been trusted with the most deadly of moves, not just because ours is the oldest and most revered clan, but because the Staff of Ages has always kept our Infallible Masters on the path of righteousness. It has done so with my predecessors. It has done so with me. It will do so with Junjie when he replaces me.”
The old man stroked his beard. “Swear to me that you will never use the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw for evil!”
“We swear!” the students shouted in unison.
“Good,” the old man said. “That is all for this morning. Continue to practice, and we shall resume our studies this afternoon.”
The students formed small groups and showed off their moves to one another as the master hobbled into the temple. Slowly, the old man made his way to his room, sat upon the floor, closed his eyes, and began his meditation.
“Body and spirit become two,” the master repeated over and over. “Body and spirit become two.”
Bookshelf Battle 