Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

Monica Duncan, Professional Bad News Breaker

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Proud to announce that there is a new columnist for the Bookshelf Battle Blog.  Also, because the millennials are all about diversity and shit, this columnist has a vagina, so, yeah that’s cool.  We don’t have many of those around here.

We promise not to sexually harass her around the office.  We aren’t into any crazy Matt Lauer shit so it should be fine.

Anyway, Monica is a professional breaker of bad news.  Do you have something very difficult to say?  Can’t do it yourself?  Don’t worry.  Monica will do it for you…or in her column, she’ll tell you how.  Telling people about some heinous, life altering for the worse shit, is what Monica does best…or you know, she at least does it….so that’s better than we can do.

Please give her a warm welcome, 3.5 readers.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Baby Boomer Perverts

As word comes out that “Today” show host Matt Lauer engaged – ALLEGEDLY (to make my lawyer happy) in all manner of alleged perversions, i.e. having a secret button to lock the door to his office from his desk, allegedly to keep the ladies in…and that allegedly he sexually assaulted a woman until she passed out….one has to wonder…

…has anyone noticed these are, I believe, all mostly baby boomers?  Kevin Spacey, Bill Cosby, Bill Clinton, Roy Moore, Al Franken and the list goes on and on…I mean, more or less, they’re mostly baby boomers, right?

The WWII generation returned home from defeating Hitler, had babies, gave them all they wanted and that created the so-called “me” generation.  Add into that the 60s, a time of sexual liberation (or perversion, however you want to call it) and these old farts just can’t stop being so grabby and pervy and assaulty on the job.

Seriously.  I’m in Gen X and after the Anita Hill testimony on TV, we were all basically taught that there should be ten foot brick wall between you and any females at all times whenever you talk to them, that you should only address women while wearing a beekeeper’s helmet ala Howard Stern’s Gary Delabate, that ten witnesses of virtuous character should witness the meeting and the whole thing should be videotaped, a transcript motorized and signed off by the President, Pope, and your city councilman…all saying that no sexual misconduct occurred.

In case you missed that joke, we were basically all taught to go out of your way to avoid being accused of sexual misconduct.  So you just don’t really see any Gen Xers or millennials being accused of misconduct.

Time for the Baby Boomers to retire, take their pervy ways with them, and let the next generations take over.

Discuss.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – New York Times’ “Nazi Next Door” Story

Hey 3.5.

BQB here.

“Show, don’t tell.” It’s the number one rule of writing.  Trust your reader.  Show what’s going on…and you won’t need to tell them.

It’s the difference between grabbing attention and in so doing, getting the point across, or just lecturing in a boring college class style.

The New York Times ran a “Nazi Next Door” story, dubbed “A Voice of Hate in America’s Heartland” by Richard Fausset.

The story chronicles the life of a young man in his mid-20s.  He’s recently married.  He and his wife shop at Target.  He likes Seinfeld and pop culture and oh, yeah, he’s a white nationalist.

Critics were quick to get up the Times’ butt and look I’ll be the first to criticize the Times or any other paper because journalism on the whole is on the decline.  However, the criticism that came at the times is that this story “normalizes” Nazi-ism, racism, etc by talking about this guy as though he is just a normal guy misses the point.

The point, in my opinion, when you read the article, seems to be that one should be very afraid that there are seemingly normal people like the subject of this article – on the outside they get married, they go shopping, they watch TV, they do all sorts of normal things but in their spare time, they pursue activities in racist organizations so…yeah.

Like, a Nazi with a swastika tattooed on his forehead wearing a German WW2 helmet and a Hitler mustache waving a “Heil Hitler” flag should scare you….but at least you can see that guy coming.  You can spot him from a mile away and step to the other side of the street.

The guys that are, by all outward appearances, normal, who blend in and engage in the usual activities but, oh yeah, they also are actively involved in racist movements…those should scare you even more…because that guy could be shopping right next to you in the store or what have you and maybe you know him, trust him, what have you and then boom…he’s not what you thought he was.  He was a white nationalist all along.

That’s what I took away from the story.  Be very afraid of the “Nazi next door” the evil dude that might be under your nose plotting evil doings and you might not know about it until it’s too late.

People, you’ve got to get smarter.  The Times showed.  They didn’t tell.  I read it.  I got the point.  If you thought they needed to slap a big banner on the article, “Hey in case you missed it this guy is a racist!” – you missed the point.  The point is there may be a lot of people who hold themselves out to the world as normal but in the meantime they pursue evil activities.

At any rate, I don’t believe the Times meant to say, “This guy is a great guy! He’s super normal!”  They meant to say, “Um, it’s a little creepy that there are guys like this who at a first glance appear normal and you wouldn’t know what their up to just by looking at them…”

Learn to read with an eye for the point.

Discuss.

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Matthew McConaughey Impersonation

Alright, alright, alright.

3.5 readers, all I can say is I love being alive in a time when you can get a dude to impersonate Matthew McConaughey for you for a reasonable price.  Would that this technology had existed when I was 20.  I would have taken over the world.

This is so funny, and the impressionist sounds just like him:

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Roy Moore and Al Franken

I don’t like to get into politics on this blog.  I really don’t.  But it just seems like, Republicans have an alleged pervert (always have to say alleged for legal reasons) and Democrats have an alleged pervert.

Each side doesn’t want to throw their alleged pervert overboard and lose a vote in the Senate, but it feels like this is a rare opportunity for both sides to come together and say that they don’t tolerate alleged perversions in their ranks and kick both alleged perverts overboard.

Republicans throw out Moore, Democrats throw out Franken and neither side is worse off, both sides lost exactly one alleged pervert.  Seems like a rare opportunity here for the parties to show they don’t approve of alleged chicanery and end up no worse off than they were before if both sides kick out one person.

Discuss.

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SNL – Thanksgiving at Wayne Manor

“Who y’all talkin’ ’bout?  Batman?  Somebody needs to do something’ about him.”

As a comic book nerd, I really enjoyed this sketch.  Participants in the Wayne Manor Thanksgiving food drive complain about how Batman is profiling them, constantly coming into their neighborhoods, breaking their jaws, zip lining them up 30 stories into the air by their underpants and leaving them hanging by gargoyles.

Excessive force, Batman.  Excessive force.  Gotta chill out, buddy.

Complaint – I love Leslie Jones but I wish she’d work a little more on her timing and delivery.  I see this over and over with her sketches.  She flubs lines and then it takes me out of the sketch and takes me a minute to get back in.  She’s very funny, has a lot of talent and pretty much carried that Ghostbusters movie on her back, but I hope she’ll work on her live delivery a little more.

Observation – I think Beck Bennett might be a better Wayne than Affleck.

 

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Bookshelf Battle Log #4 – Masterbating Goblins Are the Worst

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3.5 readers, I have to let you in on a piece of information that’s well known to the monster fighting community but is a virtual secret to the general public.

Goblins are chronic masterbaters.  Seriously, they are never NOT tossing the monkey, slapping the salami, bopping the baloney or what have you.

You know what’s worse?  They have these bright yellow, beady little eyes and while you’re trying to sleep, they just stare at you and fap, fap, fap away, tugging at their tiny, syphillis ridden goblin dongers.  Their faces are usually like, one to two inches away from yours.

You ask them to move, they just sort of go, “Ungh” and then fap faster.  And there’s never a release.  Like, what’s the point?

I know.  Disgusting.  I’m telling you this because I’m currently babysitting and/or protecting one such masterbating goblin.  Why would I want to do that?  I really don’t want to, but he’s a witness in a case being brought in an underground world.  He saw one masterbating goblin murder another masterbating goblin.  The masterbating goblin mafia was involved.

You know what?  I’ve said too much.  Long story short, the Council of Masterbating Goblin Justice asked me to protect the little guy until he can give his testimony…while masterbating.

Oddly enough, I’m honored to have been asked…though I really wish the little guy would stop masterbating…and also to stop staring at me with his face an inch away from mine.

Did I mention that if you do eventually succumb to exhaustion and fall asleep, the little asshole will start licking your toes?  Last night I feel asleep and when I woke up, my toes were like prunes…covered in spit.

God, I hope that was only spit.  I might have to double check and make sure they don’t release.  Stupid masterbating goblins.

Hey reader, this is the worst segway ever, but while I’m busy keeping an eye on this masterbating goblin, keep yourself entertained by checking out my movie reviews.  I watch more movies than I read books.  Ironically, I should have named myself “Moviescreen Q. Watcher” but I don’t have the energy to change my name now.

Down, masterbating goblin!  Down!  You’re bad masterbating goblin!  Bad, bad!

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Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts is the Perfect Gift…

…for someone you only mildly care about.  I mean, seriously, if we’re talking about your wife, you can give her a copy, but add a diamond ring, a car, or a trip to Hawaii, you cheap son of a bitch.  Don’t go blaming your divorce on me just because I said my book was a good gift.

Read the fine print. I said it’s a good gift for someone you only mildly care about.  Like that guy at work who thinks he’s your best friend but you can barely remember his name.  That guy is a 99 cent book of writing prompts kind of a friend.

Your mistress?  She needs a gold bracelet and some earrings.  Seriously, handle your shit, son, before your wife and mistress start telling each other about each other’s existence.

This is all very facetious.  As if any of my readers have social lives…

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Sometimes I Wonder if I Bit Off More Than I Can Chew With This Blog…

…the whole idea just seems very complicated.  Perhaps I should trash it and try something else.  Discuss.

Merry Christmas 

Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here.

I was just going through past Christmas posts and came across this one, photographic evidence that Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog is not exactly the most imposing head of security. You wouldn’t know it to look at him, but he has actually eaten 2,983 intruders alive, each one in a single gulp.

But he needs to work on getting himself a more intimidating appearance. Maybe I should trade him in for a Rottweiler.

bookshelfbattle's avatarBookshelf Battle

Merry Christmas 3.5 readers.


Bookshelf Q. Battledog, World’s Worst Security Dog

No wonder the Yeti is always taking over BQB HQ.

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