By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
You’d think a vampire sex tape would be interesting but no.
Remember, vampires don’t cast a reflection.
Ergo, a vampire sex tape is just a two minute video of a bed that includes audio of a lot of strange, disturbing noises.
If a vampire is hassling you, just threaten to release that vampire’s sex tape.
Sure, no one will see the vampire, but people might recognize his voice.
Hey kids, avoid strangers all year along.
Except on October 31.
Then put on a dumb costume and knock on strangers’ doors and demand free foodstuffs.
Who the hell invented this dumb holiday?
Oh wait. I forgot.
We here at BQB HQ love Halloween.
So without further ado, the Top Ten Halloween Candies
#10 – Candy Corn (Best)
An old staple. Sweet. Delicious.
Do you like the chocolate candy corn? You know the ones where the bottom stripe is chocolate?
Eh, I do like chocolate but I prefer my candy corn to have the white stripes at the bottom.
I don’t know why. I’ve done a lot of thought on this though and that white stripe tastes better than the chocolate strip.
The white strip basically tastes like the candy corn flavor and I can only get that candy corn flavor at Halloween time, whereas I can get chocolate all year long.
#9 – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (Best)
So much of my ass fat is compromised of peanut butter cups.
Mmmm.
You got chocolate in my peanut butter. No, you got peanut butter in my chocolate!
Yum. Delicious.
#8 – Coupons (Worst)
Fast food joints, stores, restaurants – they often sell coupons to pass out as Halloween treats.
Hey, here’s a coupon for a free ice cream cone.
What the eff, lady? Don’t give me an IOU for a treat. I want my snack now.
These go right in the garbage and the corporations make big money essentially selling people nothing.
#7 – Large Candy Bars (Best)
There’s always one fine citizen who will go out and buy a bunch of regular size candy bars to pass out.
That’s right. Screw those “fun size” bars.
What’s fun about tiny candies?
The only thing that happens with a fun size candy bar is you trick your mind into eating twenty of them because they’re so small and that you end up with an ass the size of a barcalounger.
Bless you, citizen who went the extra mile and got big candy bars.
By the way – if a tiny candy bar is fun size, is a big candy bar boring size?
There’s a noodle scratcher.
#6 – Pennies (Worst)
Ugh.
Come on, old people.
I know you’re trying to get rid of your loose change.
I know those pennies are actually worth something.
But pennies aren’t edible. They aren’t delicious. They will not make my ass fatter.
#5 – Unwrapped Baked Goods (Worst)
Well, thanks lady I gotta trash that because for all I know it could have a razor blade or a laxative or poison or something.
#4 – Popcorn Balls (Best or Possibly Worst)
Love ’em, but only if they’re wrapped.
#3 – Gum (Best)
Good for a minute or two, then it just becomes a sticky mess under your chair…sigh…just like my life.
#2 – Smarties (Best)
Mmm. Sugary crack.
You ever try to unwrap them and keep them together in a line without the wrapper?
Good times.
#1 – Kit Kat
Give me a break, give me a break…aww, you know the rest.
Did I leave your favorite Halloween candy off the list, 3.5 readers?
Discuss in the comments!
Hey 3.5 readers.
What is your favorite Halloween movie?
I don’t mean the Halloween series with Michael Myers, per se, although you could mention one of those.
In general, what is your favorite scary movie to watch around Halloween time?
By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Vampires are very lazy.
Therefore, learn karate.
Vampires are powerless against karate.
Seriously. That’s it.
Not every one of these will be a winner, people.
Have you ever used karate against a vampire?
Discuss in the comments.
With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian
YouTube.
It is a resource that authors should take advantage of.
Michael Cairns does and last year, he told BQB all about it. Also, they traded hair care secrets.
By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Sure, you’re all aware that silver will defeat a vampire.
But did you know that it doesn’t have to be something made out of actual silver?
It can be something or someone that just has the word “silver” in the name.
Consider the following:
Change your name to silver. Wear silver clothes (have you ever seen someone dressed in a 1960s space costume get chased by a vampire?) or write a song about silver and sing it all day long and you will not become vampire chow.
How would you defeat a vampire? Discuss in the comments.
With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian
Oh Bookshelf Q. Battler. Cry me a river, why don’t you?
Whenever I read your blog you’re all like, “Waaah, I don’t have enough time to work and write, boo hoo hoo.”
Man the hell up and be like Joe McKinney, will you?
The man is a cop. The man is a writer. The man is a dad. And he has still found the time to write his way to the top of the zombie genre.
Last year, Joe dispensed some invaluable advice for wannabe writers and answered that ago-old question of why zombies are so popular.
Look, I’m just going to say it.
All that tension at the second presidential debate was because Trump and Hillary are in love.
Hillary is tired of Bill running around on her and wants a man with gravity defying hair.
Trump yearns to get all up in that sweet ass pantsuit.
They’re fighting over this and that but really its all just to mask the fact that they want to bone.
Could be speculation but I don’t know.
And further, I don’t even want to speculate what it would sound like.
You know what? I won’t speculate about it because it would decrease the dignity of this fine blog.
TRUMP: Oh yeah…oh yeah…this YUGE! Thanks to me, Donald J. Trump, your bed is going to experience the highest ratings it has ever seen. You’re welcome.
HILLARY: Oh Donald! Hit that delete key, my chia headed stallion! Hit that delete key hard!
TRUMP: This is so classy. Really, its so fantastic. We’re gonna go at it big league!
HILLARY: Hold on. I have to take off my pantsuit and then the three other pantsuits underneath my pantsuit. Ugh, wait, I need my walker…
Hmmm. Oh well. It’s a good thing only 3.5 people read this.
Look, that’s just a hypothetical recreation of what a Trump/Hillary rendezvous would sound like.
And who knows? Maybe if they were to get together, maybe the country would benefit.
What say you, 3.5? Are the Donald and Hillary secretly in love?
With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian
Like Dante, BQB journeyed into Hell when he ended up trapped in an office with his mean ex-girlfriend while a horde of hungry zombies pounded on the door.
But he made the best of it by calling Deadlands Saga author Rachel Aukes for advice, seeing as how she incorporated Dante’s Inferno into her writing.
She also shared what it was like to start out in self-publishing and end up on the USA Today bestseller list, a place where we all want to be.
Check out that interview here.
And don’t forget to check out Rachel’s new sci-fi space adventure, Fringe Runner, on Amazon.
By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Stupid vampires.
Bleh!
This one is simple.
Vampires are easily confused.
Turn your back on a charging vampire and he will think you have disappeared.
It doesn’t matter that you are still there. He can’t see your face anymore so he’ll think you’re gone.
Stupid vampires.
Bookshelf Battle 