Hey Fantasy Nerds,
My apologies, there will be no Game of Thrones wrap-up tonight on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.
In the meantime, you should really be reading the top notch tale that is “Game of Yetis.” Here’s the most recent installment.
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The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Author Archives: bookshelfbattle
Book Review – A Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger (1951)
Hey 3.5 Readers,
Buncha phonies.
Alien Jones is taking a Sunday off so I, your humble blog host, Bookshelf Q. Battler can provide you some commentary and analysis on the controversial classic novel, The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger.
Yes, once in awhile an honest to god book review happens here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.
I’ve heard about this book my entire life, but only about how controversial it is, how it was banned and considered subversive when it first came out.
I never knew what it was about, but given all the negative hype, I assumed it must be something awful that would turn me into a crazed wacko hippy or something.
So when I finally cracked it open, I was surprised to find it’s just about a kid wandering around New York City in a dazed and confused manner.
Even more surprising? It is equal parts sad and hilarious.
The protagonist? One Holden Caulfield, a highly opinionated wayward youth whose soul is a bottomless pit of complaints. From his friends at school to random people he meets, from Hollywood to New York City, everyone, is, to Holden “a phony.”
It took me a moment to get used to 1951 speak. If this novel is a barometer of culture during the middle of the last century, then apparently youngsters of the time said some pretty bizarre things.
How to Speak Like Holden Caulfield
- Phonies – Everyone’s a phony. Hey you! Yeah you, the only one reading this review! You’re a phony!
- And All – Pretty much thrown in at the end of every other sentence. “So then I went to the park and all and there were some people there and all and I sat on a bench and all…”
- Madman – Used to describe anything out of the ordinary. “Those marbles bounced around like madmen.”
- Goddamn – I don’t know if kids in 1951 said “goddamn” a lot or if Salinger didn’t think he could get away with dropping more than a few F-bombs without being kicked out of the country or something.
- Really Was – In case you don’t believe him, Holden reminds you that he, she, or it (whatever or whomever he is discussing) “really was” whatever it is he’s saying they were.
- Put them All Together – “So I went to the bar and all and the waiter was a real goddamn phony. He really was. He handed me a gin and tonic and I drank it like a mad man. I really did and all.”
And Now a Message from The Yeti
Hello pitiful 3.5 readers.
The Yeti – Back by Unpopular Demand
This is the Yeti, former occupier of the Bookshelf Battle Blog, now prisoner in Bookshelf Battle HQ basement, from which I am only released on Thursday nights to watch Scandal with Bookshelf Q. Battler and the weird short alien man.
First, let me say, “ROAR!”
Second, let me tell you that I am guilty of nothing but good taste. I tried to direct you 3.5 people away from Bookshelf Q. Battler’s lame pop culture obsessions and feast your eyes on lesser known gems, such as my beloved Olga’s Stewstravaganza Part 2: Electric Stewgaloo.
You must watch Olga’s Strewstravaganza Part 1 first as you will be hopelessly lost if you try to wade your way into Part 2 without taking in the breathtaking splendor of Part 1.
But you clowns ignored me and follow @bookshelfbattle on Twitter and now I am defeated by the many roundhouse kicks that were delivered by the amazing Bookshelf Q. Battler straight to my Yeti face.
Perhaps I am a glutton for punishment, but allow me one last chance to reason with you people.
Don’t mark your calendars for May 15. That’s the day when BQB’s story, “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” begins right on this horrendous excuse for a blog.
Honestly, what does BQB know about life? If it isn’t at the bottom of a bottle of Dew of the Mountain then that loser knows nothing about it.
Next, I urge you to not mark your calendars for June 1. That’s the day BQB’s Project X will land on this blog’s runway. He claims its a project so awesome that he doesn’t want to share too much about it at this time.
Let’s face it. He’s probably going to shave me on a live podcast.
Actually, that would probably be delightful. Summer’s on the way and all this fur is a bitch come July.
So do mark your calendars or don’t. I don’t care. But as you cheer on your false prophet, the incredibly dimwitted BQB, know that he is exceptionally mean to Yetis.
Why, he doesn’t even let me hold the remote during Scandal.
In conclusion, Yetis love Scandal.
We really do.
Yeti picture courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
Movie Review – Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)
Iron Man! Thor! Hulk! Captain America! Black Widow! Hawkeye! Various and sundry other Avengers!
ASSEMBLE!
It’s time for Bookshelf Q. Battler’s review of Avengers: Age of Ultron!
Dun…dun dun da dun…dun dun…dunnnnn….dun dun da dun dun dun!
Sorry, that was me trying to sing the Avengers’ theme song. Doesn’t translate well through the written word.
The summer movie season is has arrived and Hollywood is coming out swinging with this superhero extravaganza.
If you SPOILERS make you angrier than Bruce Banner with a stubbed toe, you might not want to click below:
A Public Service Announcement from Alien Jones
By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent
Greetings Earth Losers. It is I, Alien Jones, the most intelligent being in the cosmos, here with an important public service announcement.
Beware the Moloklaxons – the Universe’s Greatest Weirdoes
Perhaps one day you one of you humans might turn off your TV, your computer, your cell phone, your iPad, your iWatch, or your iWhatever and do something crazy like, oh I don’t know, venture outside your dwelling and take in some your planet’s fresh air.
Actually, that’s not advisable as you clowns have evaporated your ozone layer, what with your body sprays and fancy butt perfumes and all, but I digress.
While your outside, you may encounter what we in the intergalactic exploration business refer to as an “Unidentified Flying Object.”
That’s a bit of a misnomer. To you, it’s unidentified. To us, it’s those damn Moloklaxons, the jerk faces of the universe.
While most civilized alien worlds banned the practice of abduction over a thousand years ago, the Moloklaxons feel there is nothing more hilarious to do on a Saturday night than to beam an unsuspecting human into their craft, fly all over the galaxy, perform disturbing nether region probes, then drop said human off in the middle of the nowhere, making sure to dose said human with a gallon of Kentucky bourbon so that the Earth authorities will write the abduction victim off as a drunkard or kook.
If you see such a spaceship in your vicinity – run! And if the Moloklaxons tell you that they must abduct you in the name of intergalactic science, know this a hoax, as they are not acting in accordance with intergalactic law.
I’m glad I was able to clear up this important question, Earth losers. Meanwhile, if you have any more questions, you should submit them to Bookshelf Q. Battler who will forward them to me. Drop them in the comments on this blog, on BQB’s Google Plus, or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle
Finally, I’m contractually obligated to remind you that the epic blog serial story, “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” will begin right here on bookshelfbattle.com on May 15.
I’m not prominently featured in this tale so really, I could give three craps if you read it.
Alien Jones (aka Lord Alien of House Jones) is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.
How Self Publishing Gave Me the Motivation to Write Again
Hey 3.5 Readers,
Bookshelf Q. Battler here.
Many years ago, when I was a young BQB, I gave up on writing. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t. Other times I understand why I had to. My position on the subject changes with whatever mood you happen to find me in.
I quit because the motivation factor just wasn’t there. To develop a quality piece of writing takes so much time, energy and effort and the payout? Well, let’s just say the likelihood of winning that coveted traditional publishing contract deal seemed akin to my chances of winning the lottery.
So I pursued an average life instead and in many respects, I can’t complain. However, the rise of the self-publishing industry has really provided me with the motivation I need to pick up my pencil again.
Today’s technology has given rise to an emerging self-publishing industry. From the comfort of their own homes, people are putting out books that rival what major publishing houses are putting out. If you’re willing to put the work in, you can build a platform, develop an audience, seek out the assistance of editors and artists, and get your work into the hands of readers.
That just wasn’t an option ten years ago. I wish it had been. Those were the days when little was impossible for a plucky young BQB as long as he had a can of Red Bull.
Three guys who are kicking ass and taking names in the self-publishing game? Johnny B. Truant, Sean Platt, and David Wright aka Johnny, Sean and Dave of “The Self Publishing Podcast” – check it out at selfpublishingpodcast.com (they’re available on iTunes).
I’ve learned so much from their book “Write. Publish. Repeat” and from listening to their show.
The upside of self-publishing? You’re in control. Your success does not hinge on being one of the beautiful people who can charm an agent or a publisher into swinging open the gate to the Castle of Success for you.
The downside? Same as the upside. You’re in control. You need to figure out how to hire an editor, how to hire a cover artist, how to build a platform, how to promote yourself and more. Johnny, Sean, and Dave put that info out there in a fun (and often hilarious) format.
To spend all my free time writing a novel when the only chance of its publication rests on me being the needle in a haystack picked up by an agent? It just seemed like a waste.
But now that technology has put our writing careers in our own hands? Sign me up.
At this early stage, I have no idea if I’ll ever make it, but the self publishing industry has at the very least resurrected my dream, one I gladly work on whenever I get a rare free moment these days.
Bravo on your third anniversary of podcasting, Johnny Sean and Dave. They did a special primetime show this evening and it was a blast to watch them work their magic live.
And Now a Special Message from A Bunch of Hot Action Star Chicks
By: A Bunch of Hot Action Star Chicks, Special Guest Contributors to the Bookshelf Battle Blog
A Bunch of Hot Chicks With Guns – Special Bookshelf Battle Guest Contributors
Hello. We’re a bunch of hot action star chicks. We can literally say anything right now and you’ll listen, especially if you’re a man, because a) we’re hot and b) we kick ass. Checking us out allows you to live out your impotent male fantasies of a) being a tough guy and b) getting to hang out with hot chicks.
Since we no doubt have your rapt attention, due to the fact that we’re a bunch of hot action star chicks and you’re a man, we feel the need to take advantage of this opportunity to inform you of the following important issues, which you will totally listen to, because as previously mentioned, we’re a bunch of hot action star chicks, and you’re a drooling man:
1) Global warming is a dangerous issue and requires more attention from our world leaders. But action begins at home. Are you recycling? Are you shutting off your lights and other electronic appliances when they’re not in use? Are your making sure to not run the faucet? Think of all the water that can be saved if you’d just shut the faucet off while you’re brushing your teeth instead of allowing it to run until your done. A little common sense can go a long way to help Mother Earth.
2) As a society, we must do more to help our fellow man. We all talk a big game but honestly, talk is cheap and doing something about it is better. Contact your local civic organizations today as there are likely many volunteer opportunities that will allow you to give back to your community. Remember, when you take a shift at your neighborhood soup kitchen, you’re not just passing out a hot bowl of minestrone, you’re also dishing out hope.
3) Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life is going to drop on this blog like a hot potato on May 15. Mark your calendars and clear your schedules, because you know you’re going to want to read it.
In conclusion, we, a bunch of hot action star chicks, would like to thank you for taking the time to read to read BQB’s blog.
Sincerely,
A Bunch of Hot Action Star Chicks
Bunch of hot action star chicks photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
Game of Yetis – Part 7 – House Yeti
PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF YETIS – Lord Alien of House Jones crosses the Narrow Sea after the Khaleesi tweets him a question about how to train dragons.
(By the way, did you know Alien Jones loves to promote Indie Self Publishers? Read all about it in his latest “Ask the Alien” column.)
AND NOW GAME OF YETIS CONTINUES…
Lord Yeti and his banner yetis crossed the icy tundra to meet the white walkers on the field of battle. Prior to engaging in sword play, the leaders of both parties decided to hold the following parlay:
LORD YETI: Roar?
WHITE WALKER: Errrghhh!
LORD YETI: Roar roar!
WHITE WALKER: Ergh. Errgh?
LORD YETI: Roar! Roar. Roar.
WHITE WALKER: Ergh. Ergh?
LORD YETI: Roar?
Sorry, here’s the English translation:
LORD YETI: Why do you white walkers approach Yetifell as though you are prepared for war?
WHITE WALKER: We wish to breach The Wall and march to Shelftopia so that we may steal all of Lord BQB’s Dew of the Mountain!
LORD YETI: We’ve already stolen it! It’s in my castle as we speak!
WHITE WALKER: Oh. Can we have some?
LORD YETI: Of course. Any enemy of Lord BQB is a friend of mine. However, Lord BQB no doubt marches for Yetifell, so you must help us protect my castle from his attack.
WHITE WALKER: Agreed. Can we watch Scandal while we wait?
LORD YETI: Why wouldn’t we?
I know. It’s a bear. It was the only large dumb furry animal the HBO GOT sigil creator had. The Yeti has complained vigorously.
Avengers this Friday
Yeah. I’ve got nothing today. Too busy planning out “The Summer of Bookshelf.”
But to comply with the one post a day challenge rules, here’s Iron Man on my shelf again:
Tony Stark you lazy bastard.
I hate to cast Jon Snow and Ned Stark aside, but I think I’ll just leave Iron Man as the blog header at least for this week.
Who’s ready for the Avengers 2?
Bookshelf Battle 