Category Archives: Daily Discussion with BQB

Feb 24 2018
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Daily Discussion with BQB

Judy Garland in Blackface

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

Ugh.  Maybe I’m not the pop culture guru I thought I was, because I found out the other day that Judy Garland performed in blackface.

Around Christmastime, I watched the Wizard of Oz after not watching it since I was a kid.  As an adult, I really appreciated the Jude-ster’s vocal talents and, embarrassing as this may be, I began looking up clips of her other performances as an adult.  Her rendition of “Come On, Get Happy” is pretty great.

Should I be admitting a love of show tunes?  Yes.  #2018.

So anyway, the other day I was on YouTube, looking for another dose of Judy and low and behold, two clips appear of her in blackface.  She’s got the dark makeup, the wig, the exaggerated whites around her mouth and eyes.  She’s calling herself “Opal Pearl Washington” and singing about her “Mammy and Pappy.”

Holy crap.  I mean, maybe you could defend her on the grounds that in at least one of the appearances, she’s a kid and her parents and/or studio execs are to blame but even so, finding out that Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz appeared in blackface is the equivalent of:

#1 – Finding out that Santa snorts coke off of stripper asses.

#2 – Finding out that the Tooth Fairy uses the teeth she collects for no reason other than to just swim around in them naked and revel in all the pain the kids went through to lose their teeth.

#3 – Finding out that the Easter Bunny is a serial killer who cuts off people’s faces and wears them.

#4 – Finding out that America’s Dad of the 1980s Bill Cosby used to drug women for sexual perversion purposes and, oh shit, that happened and I felt bad then too.

#5 – Finding out that seemingly trustworthy morning talk show host Matt Lauer had a button under his desk he could use to lock women inside his office.  Oh shit…

So anyway.  I guess that information has been out there a long time and I’m just discovering it.  Did I mention the other video was basically a tribute song to FDR?  Yes, because in the 1940s it was totally cool to get in blackface and support presidential candidates apparently.

Oh well.  The woman died of a barbiturate overdose when she was 47 so I’ll assume there was a long list of shit the studios made her do that weighed on her mind.  People have pointed out she sold a house to Sammy Davis Jr when no one else in Hollywood would.

Not excusing it…just ugh…Judy!  Why, Judy, why?  Say it ‘aint so!

I’m not posting the video.  Feel free to look it up on YouTube if you want your faith in humanity shocked.

I’ll try to soldier on but if I find a video of little Toto in a doggie klansman outfit then I’m going to give up on life.

 

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Feb 23 2018
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Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – Two Things That Were Better in the Past

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

I know.  It’s not good to idolize the past.  Sometimes it’s hard to watch an old TV show like “Leave it to Beaver” and think the 1950s were awesome only to realize that yeah, they were only awesome for Ward and people like Ward and no one else.

So, all that’s a given.  We’re all glad for improvements in equality, civil rights, etc.

Here’s two things I wish had remained:

#1 – Clothing – People, and I don’t care how rich or poor they were, where they were from, their background, ethnicity, race, profession, religion or what have you, dressed up whenever they did anything.  A trip to the grocery store required a suit.  People always wanted to look their best.

Some of that is because there weren’t many options to dress down.  T-shirts with funny sayings on them hadn’t been invented yet.

I’m willing to hear some criticism of this.  Dressing up probably wasn’t fun for women if it involved long gowns with all kinds of parts and straps and iron bars and shit.  And maybe a suit for a trip to the store is a bit much.

Surely, there could be some modern compromise that captures the idea that to be out of your house means to look your best and it’s easier to be less formal.  Tell you what, how about suits are only necessary for jobs that require them but maybe a nice polo shirt over that “I’m with Stupid” t-shirt, OK?

Look, I’m not one to talk.  I look like I wake up everyday, dive into the hamper and just walk out wearing whatever stuck to me.

Another thing that sucks is a lack of headwear.  Fedoras were awesome and should still be wearable today as a real look and not as a proclamation of hipsterism.  You know what looks stupid?  Wearing a baseball cap for any other reason than you are a baseball player or some other kind of athlete.  Or maybe you want to have a head covering while you are active, keep the wind out of your hair or the sun off your head without something bulky.  I get that.

However, the fedora was like a fancy suit for a man’s head.  And ladies had some fancy hats – dresses for their heads.  I really think we should bring back the hats.

Know why?  Past people understood a) not everyone has good hair and b) not every person with good hair has a good hair day.  You got the locks?  Let them flow on a Friday night.  You don’t?  Don’t worry.  Pop on a fancy hat.

I said fancy hat.  Not your “I Honk for Titties” trucker cap, you pervert.

The second thing I wish had remained from the past are the hobbies.  TV wasn’t as prevalent, so people…read!  They actually read.  And they played games…and talked.  They played music.  People would gather around a piano and sing while someone played. People knew how to play instruments and shit because they relaxed by learning how to play them because TV wasn’t the giant time suck it is today.

You can still do all these things today but you need to be more disciplined and sigh…shut that tv off.

I know I said two but I thought of a third thing – food.  People did eat a lot of bacon and drank a lot of whole milk and they smoke and drank a lot and didn’t understand all the health ramifications of bad food.

Today, info about bad food is prevalent….but it’s much more available so we stuff it in our cakeholes and hope for the best.  Processed foods, fast food…shit in olden times, June would just bake Ward a cook turkey.

Do we need a debate over who cooks the turkey?  No.   I don’t care if June cooks it, or Ward, or hell tell Wally and the Beaver to get off their dumb asses and cook it.  I’m just saying, people used to cook their own food more and I think they were healthier for it.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Feb 21 2018
13 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – I Have Lost the Will to Blog

It’s getting harder and harder to keep bringing the 7 eyes of 3.5 readers to this wonderful site.  Also, I’m no spring chicken.

I’m unsure of the future.  Perhaps I will turn over the keys of BQB HQ to my arch-nemesis, the International War Criminal/Incredibly Boring Snow Monster, “The Yeti.”

Perhaps I will dump a bottle of hot sauce on my head, then go swimming in a shark tank.

Maybe I will ask Fergie to serenade me.  No, scratch that.  Fergie is a national treasure.  Screw you all for making fun of that goddess.  She brought us so much joy with her humps, surely we can spot her one error in judgment.

I think I’ll just lie down in my backyard.  Watch the butterflies flap their wings and let caterpillars crawl all over me until the moss and grass just grow over me and consume me.

Perhaps none of that is necessary to not blog anymore.  Or maybe I’ll sub-contract the blog out to some hired help.  Maybe I’ll just watch movies and eat pizza and hire a team of sentient iguana typists to write this blog for me and I’ll pay them in flies.

Surely, they couldn’t do any worse.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Feb 08 2018
5 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB, Uncategorized

Richard Pryor Fucked Marlon Brando (According to TMZ)

According to this TMZ article, comic legend Richard Pryor and acting legend Marlon Brando humped, boned, got it on.

I’m such a dinosaur because I don’t know what to think.  Two actors I liked.  I suppose it would be not woke to not like them anymore.  Also, to clarify, I didn’t like Brando that much.  IMO, he was good in “The Godfather” and kind of a pretentious prick in everything else, but that’s my opinion.

Pryor was hysterical in everything.

OK I’m depressed these two allegedly had sex, but I admit that makes me not woke.

Also, it may be beyond depression.  Just surprise.  Shock.  Pryor was so silly, Brando so serious.  Didn’t seem like they’d hang out together, let alone have alleged gay sex.

Like imagine how you’d feel if you woke up tomorrow and there was a headline that said Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift like to play pinball machines on top of giant, football stadium sized donuts while unicorns run around and space aliens dance the mambo.

That would seem very out of the ordinary…just as how out of the ordinary it is to me the allegation that Pryor and Brando banged each other.

What would that even sound like?

BRANDO: I’m going to make your ass an offer it can’t refuse!

PRYOR: Oh get in there, bitch!  You gonna get it all, Jack!

BRANDO:  Ugh…your ass could have been a contender!

PRYOR: Oh you muthafucka!  Gratuitous use of the N-word!

BRANDO:  STELLAAAAAAAA!!!

PRYOR:  Hilarious white guy voice!

BRANDO: YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN!

PRYOR: Where’s my crack pipe?!

Anyway.  That’s how I imagine it sounded.

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Feb 06 2018
6 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – Lady Doritos

Hey 3.5 readers.

I love Doritos.  In fact, if it were possible to determine where all the fat on my body came from, Doritos would have a significant amount of responsibility.

I think the idea of a chip that isn’t as crunchy or messy is a good idea, provided that it tastes as good.  I assume it doesn’t.  Chips always have different versions, the fat free version, the this version, the that version, none of it is as tasty as the regular.  They might be more healthy, but not as tasty.

But I mean, if it were possible to make a less crunchy, less messy chip, that sounds like a good idea.  A chip you could bring to a quiet place and eat and not bother anyone.  A chip that you could eat and it wouldn’t make your hands all messy with cheese and then your fingers are all orange for the rest of the day and you inevitably leave cheesy fingerprints all over everything around you.

I don’t think society is necessarily clamoring for that type of chip, but you know, if a chip scientist came up with this, that would be the way to market it.  Cue commercial of an annoying coworker eating his loud, messy chips, driving everyone nuts.  Maybe the boss picks up an important document with cheese dust all over it, then that’s the last straw, he smacks the chips out of the worker’s hand and gives the worker a bag of office friendly Doritos.

Hell, that’s what you could call them. “Office friendly Doritos.” Put them in all workplace vending machines.

Soooo…instead, Doritos calls these, “Lady Doritos.”  Women, y’all are too messy and gross and loud and if you want a man you’re going to have to get Lady Doritos.

COMMERCIAL:  Man sees a woman.  He is in love.  She eats a load chip.  Man says, “Ugh!” and runs away.  Announcer says, “Coulda been married by now if you’d had Lady Doritos.”

Folks, you know me.  I’m very un-PC.  I believe it’s generally good to be nice and thoughtful of feelings but we can’t just walk around on eggshells, scared the littlest thing might offend so we just say nothing.

But even an un-woke person like me, who laughs at people who require safe spaces, trigger warnings and therapy coloring books and puppies has to admit, Lady Doritos was a bad idea.

First, it wasn’t like there was a groundswell of people who were pissed at loud and/or messy chips.  Yeah, there might be some situations where they’re annoying but it’s not like the crunch is akin to a deafening fog horn and the cheese residue is nothing that a trip to a sink can’t cure.

Even so, the idea is interesting and worth a go.  I just don’t understand how the marketing people flubbed this.

Had they called this, “The Clean, Crunchless Chip” people would probably give it a try.  People who bring their lunch to work might be inclined to buy that variety of Doritos over a rival brand of chip.

But they called it “Lady Doritos.”  Holy shit.  I’m very un-woke but had I been in that marketing meeting I’d of been like, “Dudes!  Y’all are going to be crucified on Twitter.”

“The Crunchless Chip” inventor would get a Nobel Prize and there’d be science journal articles about his invention and shit.

But they screwed it up.  “Lady Doritos.”  Shit.  What a bunch of dummies.

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Jan 27 2018
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Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – California to Fine and/or Jail Waiters Who Give Out Straws Without Being Asked

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

California, that dopey state full of dopey people (unless you read this blog then I love you and you’re not included) has passed a law, the basic summary of which is if you’re a waiter and you hand out a straw without being asked for one, you could get a fine up to $1000 or 6 months in jail.

Let’s unpack this.  I assume the concern is a) all other problems in California have been solved and the legislature can now put all of its focus into the great straw catastrophe and b) straws are not really a necessity (at least for most people) and therefore if they are passed out only when asked for, there might be a reduction in straw plastic being thrown away.

First, I mean, holy shit, a fine or jail?  Look people.  Jail sucks.  The government shouldn’t be creating new ways to throw people into jail over piddily shit.  Can you imagine the conversation on the cell block?

PRISONER A: Whaddya in for?

PRISONER B: I was the chainsaw maniac serial killer on the news.  I chainsawed 50 people to death.  How about you?

PRISONER A:  I was a mob hitman.  I whacked over a thousand people.  Hey you, what are you in for?

FORMER WAITER TURNED PRISONER C:  I gave a straw to a customer even though he didn’t ask me for one.

PRISONER A: OH MY GOD!

PRISONER B:  You make me sick!

At any rate, prison time should really be reserved for major crimes so I mean, you know locking people up or fining them or putting anything on their criminal record over a straw is crazy.

You might think this won’t be rabidly enforced but I mean, all it takes is for one uppity person to run to the cops and be all like, “He gave me a straw without asking!”  And then what’s that trial going to be like?  Five days of lawyers and witnesses and a judge re-enacting an alleged straw handoff?

Second, paper straws do exist.  I’ve used them and they aren’t that bad.  If plastic straws are that concerning, they could tell restaurants they have to use paper straws.

Third, there has to be a reason why restaurant drinks always come with straws in the first place.  It’s got to be a sanitation thing.  If you have customers just putting their mouth germs on the straw and then the straw is easily flicked into the trash, maybe that lessens the spread of bacteria for say, a dishwasher who would otherwise be handling hundreds of glasses that were drunk directly from all day.

Plus, you’ve got these cups being drank from by tons of people everyday…and they’re being handled by waiters all day…I’m sure the dishwasher probably kills most germs but the straw just adds an extra little layer.  I mean, if there’s serious germs in that cup, will the straw stop it?  Probably not but still.

In theory, I do wonder about all the excess waste that restaurants and especially fast food joints produce.  Every drink you get a plastic cup, a bag or a box your food goes in, you eat for a few minutes then that all goes in the trash but unfortunately I just don’t see another way.

I just think that jail time for a straw infraction is a bit much.  The threat of jail should be used sparingly.  I have a feeling in the next year there are going to be a lot of waiters and waitresses whose disgruntled exes are going to be shouting, “He/she gave me a straw!  An unasked for straw!”

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Jan 22 2018
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Daily Discussion with BQB, Uncategorized

Daily Discussion with BQB – Nicki Minaj or Cardi B?

3.5 readers, I need you to sit down for a second because there’s a war a-brewing and it’s not being talked about enough.

Nicki Minaj’s delicious, delectable derriere has brought me much joy over the past several years, so much so that I always sing along with all of her butt raps.

But now there’s a newcomer, a young upstart, a new claimant to the “girl who is the best at rapping about her big butt” throne.

I don’t know, 3.5 readers.  Cardi B’s got it.  She’s rising up the charts.  She’s moving fast.  I mean, I only have so much time in the day to listen to girls rapping about their butts and now Cardi is taking time usually reserved for Nicki and splitting it in half.  Now my butt rap song listening time is divided between these two.

Seriously, now I know how the crack that divides the cheeks on those butts they’re always rapping about must feel.

Am I cheating on Nicki by listening to Cardi?  Did I form a relationship where a beautiful Nubian goddess promised to rap about her butt to me forever and in exchange, I promised to give her my money forever by buying her songs and shit but now, a new girl comes along?  Maybe this is how husbands end up cheating.  You meet a woman.  You fall in love.  You never think you’d stray but then here comes the new hottie with a fresh take on butt raps.

In any event, when I was a kid, Sunday was “In Living Color” night.  Between “The Simpsons,” “In Living Color,” and “Married with Children,” that night was like the most politically incorrect night on television.  Millennials would be so triggered by all that shit today.

Cardi and Bruno Mars put out a video where they dance on the fly girl stage just like the fly girls did back in the day on “In Living Color.”  No, it doesn’t make me happy to know all the things I enjoyed as a kid are fun nostalgia but I enjoyed the video just the same.

Don’t fight over me, Cardi and Nicki.  There’s plenty of BQB to go around.

Who will you choose, 3.5 readers?

 

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Jan 21 2018
2 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – I Need to Get More Controversial

Hey 3.5 readers.  BQB here.

Let’s face it.  The more controversial your opinions are the more traction your blog will get.

Ergo, here are my most exceptionally controversial opinions:

  • Ducks cause cancer.
  • The Earth is neither round nor flat but square.
  • Flavor Flav should be elected Pope.
  • Ice cream is a superfood.
  • Ferrets should rule the world and we should all bow down to our furry snake-like rodent masters.
  • Batman is a menace to society and should be arrested by Commissioner Gordon immediately.
  • Gay marriage should be banned, but not because I’m against gays getting married but because no one should get married.  Also, marriage of all kinds should be banned.
  • Alternatively, marriages should be treated as contracts with an option to renew after five years.  If a football player can’t decide if he wants to be with his team forever, then if you work out and make a lot of money and become a better person in five years than you are today, you should get an option to find a new spouse, one who won’t fart a lot or spend too much or doesn’t leave dirty dishes and toe nail clippings all over.  Someone who won’t have sex with random vagrants or post inappropriate comments about how ugly your genitals are on social media.  Really, every five years, you should be able to take stock and decide if it’s still working enough to renew for another five years or if you’ve bettered yourself to the point where you can find someone who doesn’t drive you insane.
  • Chimpanzees should be trained to become assassins.
  • One day a week should be ugly day on TV.  Only ugly people should be allowed on television.  News networks will be required to find the ugliest people who just fetch the coffee and have them read the news.
  • The Internet should be cancelled.
  • You are not funny, witty or interesting.
  • Also, your children are ugly and will grow up to be mediocre at best.
  • Anyone who jaywalks should be strapped to a rocket and shot into outer space.
  • Rocket launchers should be passed out like candy.  Everyone will leave each other alone if they know the other person is packing a rocket launcher.
  • College should be cancelled.  When you are 18, you should be required to become a hobo and ride the rails in box cars you snuck into and live like a homeless person for four years.  You will learn more.
  • There should be one day a year where you are allowed to fart on anyone you don’t like without fear of legal reprisal.

Do you have a controversial opinion?  Share it in the comments.

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Jan 17 2018
5 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB

A BQB Kickstarter?

Hey 3.5 readers.

If you’re a young creative person, you really have no idea how good you have it.  I know, every generation tells the next generation that, but it’s true.

In the 1990s, I thought it might be possible to start your own website and share your writing online while bypassing the traditional gatekeepers.  Some early pioneers with HTML coding skills were able to do just that but for the most part, it was too difficult for the average person.

Today, you have blog sites like WordPress where you type and WordPress codes.  You have social media to share your posts with like minded folks via hashtags.

But what about artwork?  Even as far back as the 1990s, the Internet was a very visual medium.  No one wants to read a block of text without some breakup in the monotony.

People used to read physical newspapers and not every article had a photo.  That’s because if you picked up a paper, you came to read.  Meanwhile, on the Internet, you’re trying to get people’s attention.  Flag them down as they pass by and for that you need artwork.

I was really surprised that an artist, based on my descriptions of two of this blog’s characters, Alien Jones and the Yeti, was able to produce this in a short time and frankly, at a reasonable price:

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I normally use shutterstock for most of this blog’s characters, but I was wondering if a kickstarter wouldn’t be in order?  By raising some funds, I could hire artists to draw Uncle Hardass, Vinny Baggadouchio, Professor Nannerpants, Dr. Hugo von Science, etc.

What say you, 3.5 readers?  Generally, I don’t like Kickstarter.  I feel it’s like virtual panhandling and it might be embarrassing to start it and get no support.  However, I think some original artwork could help bring this blog to the next level.

I’ve done as much as I can on the cheap.  The stats have increased every year.  The traffic slowly but surely gets slightly better over time, but that’s comparable to like, wind bringing sand to a beach and every five years the beach gets a quarter of an inch thicker.

Tell me your thoughts, 3.5.  If you’ve done a kickstarter, I’d like to hear your advice.  Is this a viable endeavor?

 

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Jan 12 2018
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Daily Discussion with BQB, Uncategorized

Daily Discussion with BQB – Should Oprah Run for President? (Howard Stern Says No)

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

I was listening to Howard Stern today (he actually came into work) and he had an interesting take on all the talk about President Oprah.

He said (and I remember this) years ago, he ran for Governor of New York as a goof.  He didn’t want the job and just did it as a promotion, to get his name out there and get some free press.  He didn’t think anyone would take him seriously so got scared when he actually ranked high in the polls.  Political consultants began getting in touch with him, sure he had a good shot at winning.

He backed out of it because he felt he would not do a good job.  He’s a funny radio guy and while he enjoys that and he has been successful as an entertainer, he did not believe he could handle the job of being governor – the tough decisions, the turmoil, the scrutiny, the studying, the non-stop nature of the job, 24/7 and weekends.  Ultimately, people rely on the Governor and he didn’t think he could deliver.

He thought maybe he might have won and who knows, perhaps from there he might have had a shot at the presidency but he didn’t want it.  He did not believe he would do a good job and so bowed out so an actual politician could win.

He likened his situation to Oprah and said that as a celebrity, especially one that came from humble beginnings without much money (as he and Oprah did) it is tempting to want everything, to take every offered opportunity, to do every TV show, movie, book, business venture, everything because no matter how big you get, you fear it might all go away and so it’s easy to see the presidency as the ultimate plaything, to increase your fame and status…but ultimately, you have to think not of yourself but of the country.

I think he has a good point and I’m wondering if we aren’t going down a path where perhaps there should be a mandate that to win the presidency you must hold some kind of prior office first?  Reagan was an actor, but he did go on to run a union and serve as governor of California.  He did his homework and got his government training.

I mean…when we hear of President the Rock….come on.  I don’t care how loved of a celebrity you are, the second you run for office, half the country will hate you.  Why not stay a celebrity and be loved by all?

On the other hand, TV has really screwed politics up, for years now.  Gone are the days when character, knowledge and experience matter.  How photogenic are you?  What’s your social media following like?

Howard said we need a modern day Winston Churchill but I have news for him – Winston could not win office today.  “Who’s that chubby little bald man with froggy voice?  Get him off the stage and put a squared jawed, perfect haired dummy in his place!”

In other words, politics and entertainment are hand in hand now, such that you can’t be an actor if you aren’t a hottie and let’s face it, you can’t be a politician unless you’ve got that super star quality either.

Discuss.

 

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