…so here is a picture of a toilet. I am going to flush this horrible blog that only 3.5 people read down this toilet. Then I will be without the stress of operating a blog that is read by only 3.5 people.
What is stressing you out 3.5 readers? Feel free to flush in the comments.
The scene of the crime.
You’re the best 3.5 readers ever
Hey 3.5 readers.
So, you’ve heard it before, but don’t look at the eclipse. You’ll go blind and then you won’t be able to read my fantastic blog. I can’t afford to lose any readers so none of you are allowed to go blind.
Apparently this eclipse is a once in a lifetime thing yet I didn’t muster up enough interest to get a pair of special glasses or make some sort of device with a cardboard box or whatever the heck how that works.
Anyway, be careful. Save your eyes so you can read this wonderful blog.
Do I have to fill out twenty forms to be able to accept the 29 British cents or is that Amazon’s problem and I’m accepting money from Amazon, an American company?
I dunno. I don’t want to be accused of being a British spy for accepting 29 British cents just because some guy in Liverpool wanted to check out my writing prompts. Lord knows I have always vowed to report redcoats wherever I see them and I have never allowed the King to quarter troops in my domicile. Also, I never drink tea and have urged all of my neighbors to throw their tea into the nearest harbor. I even burned all my Beatles albums…except for Hey Jude because if you can listen to that song and not cry you are a heartless bastard.
Surely, someone out there has had your book bought by a British person…what do you do?
(Also, thank British person for buying my book. If anyone else wants to buy it, they can do so here.)
It is delicious. Sorry, I am out of ideas to blog about.
Hello 3.5 loser faces. It is I, the international war criminal/incredibly boring fuzzy snow monster the Yeti, here to take over Bookshelf Q. Battler’s pitiful blog because he is a whiney sissy boy who has given up on life and has decided to bury himself up to his neck in sand and cover his face in honey so his stupid face can become ant lunch.
Works for me because I hate that guy. He is a doofus and his blog was too stimulating. Yetis love boredom. All must be boring.
Speaking of, what is your favorite type of fungus, 3.5 dummies? Leave your favorite fungus in the comments.
Dear 3.5 Readers,
I quit. It’s been a real blast, but I’m at the point where I’m so old it wouldn’t matter if I sell enough copies of Toilet Gator (the best book ever written about toilets or gators) to buy a Malibu Beach House and fill it full of hot chicks with loose morals.
I mean, had it happened ten years ago, I could have fooled myself into thinking the hot chicks wanted me for my manliness and charm. Now that my balls are all wrinkly and my face looks like I stepped on a rake 5,000 times, what would it matter? I would be fully aware that the women aren’t hanging out with me for me but for all of my Toilet Gator money.
So, I enjoyed writing this blog but I have decided to turn it over to my arch nemesis, the International War Criminal/Incredibly Boring Fuzzy Snow Monster, The Yeti. He will post boring posts until the end of time. Expect many photos of his toe nail clippings.
I had a good run. No, my last post can’t include a lie. It was a terrible run. Literally every bad thing that could have possibly happened did and now I am going to ask Alien Jones to put me in one of his spare space ships and auto pilot me into the sun…that way, a little piece of me will always shine down on you 3.5 readers.
Well…maybe I won’t go that far. I changed my mind. I will move to Tibet and become a monk. Are monks allowed to eat pizza? I hope so. I’ll find out.
Thank you 3.5 readers. You are the Yeti’s 3.5 readers now. Enjoy.
They eat carrots.
Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here.
Taylor Swift has won a legal battle in court against a DJ who she alleges grabbed her heiney. A jury awarded her a dollar and one can assume it’s not that she needs the dollar but that she now has an official court ruling that the DJ is a bum grabber.
Sigh. Meanwhile I’ve been offering my bum for ladies to grab for years and there are no takers. They can even keep their dollars.
Discuss.
An oldie but a goodie, 3.5 readers.
In WW1 era Africa, British Methodist missionaries/brother and sister Sam and Rose Sayer (Robert Morley and Katherine Hepburn) run a religious village in Kungdu. Alas, fighting breaks out between the Germans and British and then Germans will have nothing English in the region they control, so they burn the settlement down.
Sam dies from the shock of it all, leaving Rose with no one to depend on other than Charlie Allnut (Humphrey Bogart), a gruff, gin soaked riverboat captain who occasionally stops by to deliver the settlement’s supplies.
Charlie agrees to deliver Rose to safety on his junky boat, the African Queen. The two are the original odd couple. Charlie swigs booze and uses coarse language, much to the dismay of prim and proper, super religious Rose.
At first, the two hate each other. Charlie looks at Rose as a pampered woman who wants to boss him around and make stupid moves that could get them killed, that she’s basically always been cared for and could never fend for herself so she should pipe down and let hnm be in charge.
Rose looks at Charlie like he’s a shaved baboon, that he can’t stop swigging gin for two seconds and he’s probably a pervert who wants her lady parts even though she’s covered in like twenty layers of clothing despite the hot African sun.
By the mid-point of the movie, the duo braves crocodiles, killer bugs, river rapids, murderous Germans and through it all, they start to grow rather fond of each other.
It is here where the film excels. If the African Queen were to be remade today, there would probably be a five minute softcore scene where Channing Tatum bends Margot Robbie over a railing and has his way with her.
Here, we see Charlie and Rose kiss and then cut to the morning. Maybe they humped. Maybe they didn’t. Honestly, given that it is a 1951 movie about 1914, they probably didn’t hump. The kissing was enough for two people who just met in those days.
The film’s greatness as a love story comes through the fact that they portray love through, whodjthunkit, actual displays of love rather than banging scenes.
Charlie and Rose hated each other. Now they dote upon one another. They call each other “sweetheart” and “darling.” Charlie learns that Rose likes tea so he never lets her cup go empty. Rose learns to trust Charlie more and doesn’t assume that everything he does is a rouse to get under her twenty layers of clothing.
They work together to get the African Queen downriver. They fight over who should do a dangerous duty, each demanding to risk their lives to spare the other, ultimately deciding to do it together when neither will back down.
It all culminates in a strangely touching scene when they are captured by Germans. Sentenced to hang, they make one last request, that the German captain marry them. They seem very happy in this instant, despite the fact that certain death is imminent.
I won’t spoil what happens next. However, I think this film does more to display true love than what we see today, both on screen and perhaps even in our own relationships.
True, sex is the ultimate comfort. It is the best experience that a human body can feel. On screen, we like to see good looking people bone so we can imagine being one of them. Off screen, we look for partners who arouse us.
But it’s the times between sex that determine whether or not a relationship will last. Do you call your other a pet name reserved only for him/her? Do you hold their hand? Tell them you love them? Talk about the life you want to build together? Get them a cup of tea and feel it is a blessing you have someone to get a cup of tea for rather than be made someone is making you get them a cup of tea?
These are all signs of long lasting love. In 1951, the director of this film wasn’t able to show you that Charlie and Rose were in love by having them bone. So instead, they showed all the things we all wish we had in a partner. Ultimately, it all boils down to unconditional love, displayed through affection that is offered freely and never has to be asked for.
Because of this, I can picture Charlie and Rose moving away after their adventure and settling down together. Meanwhile, all of these couples who meet and instantly bang in the throws of passion probably only last until they find someone else to bang.
Somehow, we all lost sight of what day to day love is. Too much sex. Not enough love.
Bookshelf Battle 