The Toilet Gator Book Cover Design Contest is underway and thus far, the artists have submitted a plethora, a cornucopia, a virtual smorgasbord of terrifying toilet gators. I would not want my buns on a crapper with one of these scaly fellows nearby, let me tell you.
The Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite cut a horrific swatch through the countryside, looting, plundering, and replenishing their numbers by converting villagers into vile, undead brain addicted beasts. Towards the end of their reign of terror, the young men of one village in particular were forced to stand for inspection.
“Look at yourselves,” Dragonhand said as he walked past a line of captives. “Weeping and cowering like children, completely unaware that I am about to turn you into the best possible version of your miserable selves. Lickspittle, has the sacrifice been made?”
The toady held up a juicy, goo dripping brain. “Yes, oh infinitely wise one. Our warrior, Quon, gave up his thinking meat so that others may revel in the glory of zom fu.”
“Excellent,” Dragonhand said as he snatched up the disgusting gray matter. “Who wants the first bite?”
The hostages appeared perplexed, surprised that their captor would even make such a ghastly suggestion. The fiend held the brain underneath the nose of the first villager, gave him a good whiff, then continued on down the line, making sure each man got a good nose full.
“I admit brains aren’t much to look at,” Dragonhand said. “And they aren’t suitable for those with a discerning palette but I assure you, once you take a bite, you’ll never want anything else.”
One of the villagers broke out into a cold sweat. “I must have it.”
“No,” another man shouted. “It’s mine!”
“That’s my brain!” a third man cried.
Dragonhand tossed the brain up into the air and caught it, as if it were a ball. He did this twice more, before letting it fall to the ground.
The captives looked at the brain, then up at Dragonhand.
“Have at it,” Dragonhand said. “But make sure you all eat a piece so that you may each learn the glories of zom fu.”
“Yes master!” the villagers shouted in unison. One by one, they dove for the brain, pummeling, biting, scratching and stomping each other just to get the slightest bit closer to their snack.
“Lickspittle,” Dragonhand said.
“Yes, oh extraordinarily brilliant one?” the toady asked.
“Don’t forget to kill them all once they’ve eaten,” Dragonhand said. “Make the cuts quick and clean. I don’t want them getting so mangled that they’re useless in a fight.”
“Of course, oh excessively amazing one,” Lickspittle said.
Dragonhand stared off toward the edge of the village, where undead warriors were busily constructed an enormous device. It consisted of a large bucket pulled back and secured to a rope, sitting on a platform with wheels.
“Lickspittle you insignificant pile of monkey vomit,” Dragonhand said.
“You called, my liege?” Lickspittle asked.
Dragonhand walked over to the device. “What is this monstrosity?”
“Do you like it, my ever so manly god on earth?” Lickspittle inquired.
“What is it?” Dragonhand asked.
“It’s a weapon of my own design, oh fantastic one,” Lickspittle said. “I call it, ‘the zombapault.’”
Dragonhand watched as one zombie sat in the bucket, smoothing out the rough parts of the wood with a hand held plane.
“What does it do?” Dragonhand asked.
“I’m glad you asked, oh indubitably handsome one,” Lickspittle said. “You see, by pulling the bucket back as far as it will go, then securing it with a rope, the device becomes capable of…”
Dragonhand lost interest in listening to his toady speak. He drew a knife, cut the rope, and watched as the catapult set the unsuspecting undead warrior hurtling several miles into the air.
“The short version is that I think it will be good for getting our warriors over the Forbidden City’s walls,” Lickspittle said.
“Astounding, Lickspittle,” Dragonhand said. “For once in your pathetic, useless, poor excuse of a life, you have managed to impress me.”
Lickpittle gushed with pride. “Oh, master. You have no idea how much that means to me.”
“Don’t let it go to your head, worm,” Dragonhand said.
“Of course not, master,” Lickspittle replied.
Master and lackey watched the previously launched warrior continue on an upward arc until he started falling down over the horizon.
“Do you think he’ll be ok?” Lickspittle asked.
“Why would I care?” Dragonhand inquired.
Hey 3.5 readers.
VGRF here.
Ahh, Valentine’s Day. That day of the year where couples celebrate their love, and single people wallow in their misery.
Have you got no sweetie to canoodle with on this February 14? No worries. From BQB HQ, now VGRF HQ, in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Things You Can Do on Valentine’s Day If You Are Single:
#10 – Cry
It’s natural. It’s healthy. It pushes toxins out of your system. Have a ball while having a ball. Personally, I won’t cry over…<sniff sniff> that loser BQB…<sniff>.
#9 – Hug Your Cat
Video Game Rack Fighter Cat is my fluffy valentine. If you don’t have a fluffy valentine, maybe there’s one at the pound who would love to be yours.
#8 – Eat Lots of Ice Cream
Preferably, with the cat under one arm and the spoon in the other hand thus to maximize the total possible amounts of cat snuggling and scooping of ice cream into face hole.
#7 – Fart Freely
You’re single. You have no one to offend. Let ’em rip.
#6 – Foil a Super Villain’s Plot to Take Over the World
There’s always a super villain up to no good somewhere. Also, not gonna lie, foiling a super villain is a great story to tell on a date. You’ll definitely have a valentine next year if you foil a super villain’s plot. Then again, I have foiled several super villain plots and I am dateless this year. Harrumph.
#5 – Drunk Dial Exes
Pretend to be a telemarketer just so they’ll talk to you again. Or just be quiet and listen to them breathe. Better yet, load up Lionel Ritchie’s Hello and press play when your ex answers.
Nothing convinces an ex that they goofed up big time by letting you get away than calling them a bunch of times and having Lionel sing, “Hello…is it me you’re looking for?”
Oh wait. They weren’t looking for you. That’s why they are exes. Scratch this plan. Don’t call your exes. You are better than this.
#4 – Invent a Fake Valentine
Send yourself roses and chocolates at work. Sign the card from “A Secret Admirer” or pick a swarthy name like, “Ricardo Montalban.” Just make sure no one in the office is a fan of Fantasy Island.
You’ll know the swag is from you, but your office co-workers will at least assume someone wants a piece of what you’ve got. Enjoy the compliments all day. Eat the chocolate and cry all night.
#3 – Declare Yourself a Jehovah’s Witness for a Day
All holidays stink because the only one we should be celebrating is Jesus. Why are you idiots celebrating Valentine’s Day when you are too stupid to concentrate on a love related holiday and remember to love Jesus at the same time? Bunch of dummies.
Renounce your new faith on February 15 or what the heck, you could hold onto it until St. Patrick’s Day if you prefer.
#2 – Build a Sex Robot
I took a tour of BQB’s super secret science workshop and between you and me, he has tried to make a whole ton of sex robots. None of them work though. They’re hot robot babes, but all they want to do is wash your hair and give you a pedicure. BQB is the worst robot programmer ever.
#1 – Go to that Place Where That Person Said They’d Meet You
Remember when your old flame said, “If neither of us have found anyone in X number of years, then meet me at such and such monument or famous public place.”
Have X number of years passed yet? Better get over to that place then. Then again, you could just punish that dirtbag for not being with you when he had the chance and stand him up while you watch TV and snuggle with your cat and ice cream carton.
Are you a single person? No, seriously, you probably are if you are reading this blog, but you know, I didn’t want to just insult you by automatically assuming. If you are sans date this year, how will you spend this holiday?
Hey 3.5 readers. Video Game Rack Fighter here, still angry with BQB for his douche-tastic behavior.
In fact, after being awarded BQB HQ, Bookshelf Battle Dog, 99.99% of BQB’s Beige Corp. paychecks and BQB’s action figure collection in the divorce, it dawns on me that BQB got out of this pretty easy if you ask me.
Therefore, from BQB HQ (technically, VGRF HQ now) in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Most Embarrassing Entries in BQB’s Private Journal.
Sidenote: if you get kicked out of your headquarters, be sure to take your private journal with you.
#10 – I Can’t Get Enough of the Ketchup Girls
“Goddamn it. I can’t get enough of the Ketchup Girls. There were like the latina Spice Girls of my generation and they should really come out with more songs. I have no idea what they are saying but they sure know how to make me shake my wonderful, apple shaped heinie.”
#9 – Buffy Fan Fiction is Way Better than Firefly Fan Fiction
“Got into a ten hour long debate on the nerd boards with some loser who thought that writing Firefly fan fiction is better than writing Buffy fan fiction. What an idiot. Everyone knows that my story about how Buffy and Faith get into a fight over me while I convert Willow from lesbianism with my machismo is the best piece of fan fiction ever written.”
#8 – Jaleel White Needs a Comeback
“I’ll never understand why Jaleel White isn’t raking in the Oscars left and right. Sure, he played Urkel on Family Matters but he was so much more talented and versatile than that. I wish Jaleel White would make a thousand movies so I could just watch them all day long.”
#7 – I Don’t Think My 3.5 Readers Really Love Me
“My 3.5 readers seem like they’re just phoning it in these days. I wonder if they are cheating on me and reading other blogs behind my back. Is it me? Am I not pretty enough? Should I try harder? Maybe if I wore skinny jeans. Sigh. I love my 3.5 readers but sometimes I wish I had never started a blog in the first place. It isn’t easy keeping the attention of 3.5 readers.”
#6 – The 2000s Suck
“I miss the 1990s. I really do. I feel like pop culture peaked in 1999 and it’s all been a downward spiral of crap ever since. I wish I could live in an alternative universe where the Spice Girls, Nirvana and Gwen Stefani play on a continuous loop, dressing like a lumberjack is considered fashionable and the news stories are constantly about the latest broad that Bill Clinton boned. This is the last time period I can remember where I felt like the world was a safe place. It was all a downhill shit storm after that.”
#5 – Face/Off is the Best Movie Ever Made
“Face/Off was the best movie ever made about two men who trade faces using highly experimental face trading surgery. John Travolta becomes Nicolas Cage and Cage becomes Travolta. Awesome. The only thing I didn’t understand was why did Travolta have the weight put back on when he traded Cage’s face for his own at the end.”
#4 – My Farts Frighten Me
“It was very quiet in BQB HQ. So quiet you could have heard a proverbial pin drop. Suddenly, I farted and the unexpected noise made me leap out of my chair. I thought BQB HQ was under attack by an entire battalion of renegade troops until I finally realized the noise was coming from my butt.”
#3 – Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog is the Best Dog Ever
“Oh Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog, you are the best dog ever. You are my furry friend for life. I wish I could sit with you forever and braid your fur and just let all of the problems of the outside world just float away.”
#2 – The Yeti Isn’t So Bad
“Once in a blue moon, I admit to myself that the Yeti isn’t so bad. He’s an epic butt face and wrong about everything, but he believes he is right and people and/or hairy beings who believe in something, anything at all, are a rarity these days. I just hope he doesn’t find out I said this or else he will think we are friends or something. I don’t want that to happen as I continue to despise yetis and all that yetis stand for.”
#1 – I Want to Create an Army of Super Strong Warrior Women to Protect Me
“Lucy Lawless aka Xena: Warrior Princess. Ronda Rousey. Gina Carano. I want to create an army of super hot MMA/Wrestling/Action Movie babes who will defend BQB HQ by day and then beat me senseless with their incredibly muscular vaginas at night. I think Video Game Rack Fighter would be cool with it. I would put her in charge of this army as I don’t know anyone else who has a more muscular vagina. I mean, she can crack walnuts with that thing. She’s really been going to town on the old kegel exercises lately.”
VGRF’S EDITORIAL NOTE: OK, that last one was sweet, BQB. But it doesn’t matter. You will never get your blog back. It is mine forever.
Hey 3.5 readers.
Video Game Rack Fighter here. Did you miss Lady Gaga’s Halftime show at the Super Bowl?
Don’t worry. The fine folks at Pepsi have posted the entire thing on YouTube for your viewing pleasure.
My thoughts:
She did a great job. I can’t imagine all the time, money and effort that goes along with putting on a show that has that moving parts. I mean, literally, there are so many moving parts. The crew had to assemble a stage and break it down all in time for the Super Bowl to continue.
I give her applause, applause, applause (get it?) for being willing to leap off of the stadium and then fly down to the platform using wires. I’m not sure I’d trust those wires myself. I worry a little that all these pop stars are being put in danger for our visual pleasure. I mean, they had Katy Perry riding some kind of giant animal contraption at the 2015 Super Bowl.
Good on Gaga, I don’t think I’m even in good enough shape to be transported by wires. I’d be too heavy for the wires and they’d snap and I’d land on a dancer and crush him/her.
The best part was that I didn’t have to watch it with BQB and be interrupted by his various gaseous emissions.
What say you, 3.5?
Hey 3.5 readers.
VGRF here. I didn’t think to look into it, but it since I’ve been awarded custody of the Bookshelf Battle Blog, I should totally be awarded custody of all of BQB’s book attempts. It’s only fair, right?
Anyway, to that end, I’ll keep posting the Zom Fu chapters that BQB hasn’t gotten around to posting yet.
Hey 3.5 readers.
VGRF here again. What are you favorite super bowl commercials, either from tonight or from the past?
The one I remember the most from last year is Mountain Dew’s “Puppy, Monkey, Baby” though only because it was very weird.
Anyway, let me know and also BQB, enjoy watching the Super Bowl with Leo and the Yeti.
Hmm. “Leo and the Yeti.” Sounds like a good 1970s buddy cop drama.
Hey 3.5.
Your old pal BQB here.
So, I hate when bloggers talk about their personal problems on their blogs. The readers came from entertainment and insightful conversation and…
3.5 READERS: We come for not of that BQB. We have literally gotten none of that here.
Oh ok then.
So here’s the deal, and I figure since you are all nerds, you too have had problems with glasses:
A) I should go in and since I’ve got a month to change the glasses with no extra charge, tell them the anti-glare coat smokes pole and that I’d like a new pair without the glare. I have talked to a few nerds who have gone to the same store and they too tell me they hated the anti glare.
B) But if I experienced the problem with the old glasses, this is likely a sign of some bigger problem with my eyes that the anti glare removal may not fix. Perhaps I should see the doctor and ask him to test me again. I did mention the screen issue when I saw him and he said ok and proceeded to test me and that’s all that came of it at the time.
C) If I ask him to test me again, I’m not sure what he’d find since it has only been two weeks. I’ll feel like an asshole explaining this to him. I’ll go through the same test. Most likely it will have the same result. I’ll go through a bunch of shit and get rid of the anti glare glasses for regular glasses and I’ll still have screen problems.
D) There’s literally a part of me that wants to lie and go in with a story about a hobo who punched me in the face on a subway and my eyes haven’t felt right since just so I have a better story as to why I want him to look at my eyes again after seeing him 2 weeks ago.
E) On top of that, I have been
Advise me, 3.5 readers. What should I do?
Ahh, the face hole – the best and the worst of human body cavities. It lets us talk and eat, but at times, it can also smell like a butt, aka the worst of body cavities.
Does your breath stink? I’m not a dentist but I play one on this blog. From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Reasons Why Your Breath Stinks:
#10 – Throat Gremlins
Sad, but true, tiny creatures have been known to set up shop in a human throat and party hearty. Soon, they start to stink and that stink comes out of your pie hole. Ten out of ten scientists who attended science school in Barbados will agree with me on this.
#9 – Demonic Possession
It happens. You’re taking a nap, minding you business and without realizing it, a damn demon has set up shop in your body. It makes you scream, swear, belch, fart, projectile vomit on everyone, it’s a whole mess. Even worse, they make your breath stink. Consult your local Catholic priest for assistance.
#8 – A Small Animal Crawled Into Your Mouth and Died
People often say, “Yeesh! What crawled into your mouth and died?” to a person with stank breath. Little do these people know that this often happens. Mice, rats, bats, porcupines, armadillos, frogs, lizards. It doesn’t even have to me a small animal. I knew a dude who once fell asleep and a damn emu crawled into his mouth and bought the farm. Always post signs around your sleeping area to notify animals on their last legs to go find another mouth to crawl into and die in because yours is off limits.
#7 – Oniony, Garlicky Foods
Truly, a Sophie’s choice. Do I want to eat something delicious or do I want to avoid stink breath? Eh, just be honest. If you look like a butt, then you might as well eat something delicious and smell like a butt. Having minty fresh breath won’t make you look less like a butt.
#6 – Butt Pranks
If you’re a member of a frat, chances are one of your frat brothers has placed a butt on your face while you are sleeping. Remember, always lock your door and wear a catcher’s mask while sleeping to avoid butt pranks. We here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog do not condone butt pranks or any other type of inappropriate butt related behavior of a butt like nature.
#5 – You Licked the Toilet Seat Again, Didn’t You?
How many times must I tell you to stop doing that? Bad reader. Bad, bad! Get some help.
#4 – You Don’t Brush
There’s no magic cure for weight loss or to fix a variety of health problems, but sticking that brush in your face hole and wiggling it around for a while a few times a day can do wonders for your tooth health. Take advantage of one of the few things that people can do to improve there lives that actually works.
#3 – You Don’t Floss
Your job isn’t done after brushing. Brushing doesn’t get all the shit left between your teeth. One time I didn’t floss my teeth for an entire year and learned that in the interim, the mob had started using the spaces between my choppers as a dumping ground for whacked snitches. When I finally began flossing again, each time I’d stick the floss between my teeth and boom! Hey, it’s Vinny Boombotz! :::Floss::: Hey! It’s Mickey the Squirrel! :::Floss::: Oh my God, it’s Sal the Tuna!
#2 – You Don’t Use Mouth Wash
Brush, floss, then finish up the trifecta. Get mouthwash. The stronger the better. I prefer Listerine. Don’t just do one swish and spit it out. Let it sit there in your mouth as you imagine the mouthwash molecules all look like a young Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now. Picture each molecule as a helicopter pilot coming in to drop minty fresh napalm on all of the germs in your suck hole. “Oh, how I love the smell of minty fresh napalm in the morning.”
Um…if one of my 3.5 readers is Vietnamese I apologize for that metaphor. I didn’t even write it. It was the Yeti.
#1 – You Never See the Dentist
I know. No one enjoys going to see the dentist. But these fine tooth doctors can clean up your choppers, shine them up good and help you combat any suck hole related problems you may be suffering from. Stop avoiding your dentist. Your suck hole will thank you, as will the people who have to breathe the air in the vicinity of your suck hole.
Bookshelf Battle 