Tag Archives: advice

Authors Who Dared to Consult the Esteemed Brainy One

All Hail the Mighty Potentate!

All Hail the Mighty Potentate!

AND NOW A SECURE TRANSMISSION FROM THE MIGHTY POTENTATE, SUPREME AND UNDISPUTED OVERLORD OF A PLANET THE NAME OF WHICH IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

Alien Jones!  I demand a full list of all the Earth authors who’ve dared to consult your highly evolved mind!

Step forward, oh Esteemed Brainy One, and notify me whose names shall be added to the protected rolls  in the event it is deemed that an invasion of Earth is the only means necessary to prevent the intergalactic spread of reality television!

Do this quickly or be vaporized!

Alien Jones, The Esteemed Brainy One

Alien Jones, The Esteemed Brainy One

Certainly, oh Wonderful Potentate!

The indie authors who’ve consulted my are as follows:

A.H. Browne – Do aliens still probe?

Java Davis, The Road Trip Writer – How do I contact Alien Jones?

G.P. Eynon – Why do aliens have better stuff?

Pandora Spocks – Who is Jon Snow’s mother?

Marion Stein – Is Alien Jones related to Yoga Jones from Orange is the New Black?

Justin Sloan – Pit one of my books against a classic.

KD Rose – Make Higgs Boson funny?

Brannon Hollingsworth – Who would win in a fight of robots vs. aliens?

Connie Flanagan – Intelligent plant life?

Sledpress – Is Hollywood really capturing what aliens look like?

Daniel Waltz – Have you ever water traveled?

Oh Mightiest of Potentates, forgive this alien and spare the vaporizer, for in the beginning, I was less efficient and crammed multiple authors into one column.

These brave pioneers, who dared to attach their name to a column purported to be written by an alien in the service of a man who claims to own a magic bookshelf include:

DC Graylocke – I don’t plan to participate in reality TV

AND

Gary Henry – Will the alien provide advice for the lovelorn?

READ HERE

MEI MEI/JEDIBYKNIGHT – Can you tell me about your alien ancestors?

AND

Gary Alan Ruse – Have you read my books?

AND

Kai Delmas – who would win in a war between orcs and men?

READ HERE

Kim Magennis – Was Tesla one of yours?

Tara Ellis – I’d love to share my book with your readers.

READ HERE

TJ SIEBENECK – Which book cover should I use?

MEI MEI/JEDI BY KNIGHT – Are any aliens from Star Wars based on real aliens?

Kim Magennis – Elvis, Bermuda Triangle, and Socks

READ HERE

Julie Shackman – What is your favorite genre and why?

Joe Schwartz – What color is that damn dress?

Kim Magennis – Who built the pyramids?

READ HERE

ALIEN JONES’ FINAL THOUGHTS

Oh, Mightiest of Potentates!  In summation, a total of 21 indie authors and/or bloggers have consulted the precious wisdom of my genius mind.

Surely, this is a sign the humans are worth salvaging.

Especially worth noting is that for the past 9 weeks, I have not gone a single week without one human seeking my counsel.

Bookshelf Q. Battler informs me that he is honored that so many authors would trust this blog to promote them.  He put out the call for humans to ask an alien a question and the questions have been coming in since this column began March 1.

BQB and I continue to fight the good fight against the reality television that so offends your eyes by promoting fiction.  Also, BQB is even working on a series of his own, and that’s a far cry further from where he was at the start of this year when I found him.

I had my doubts, your Potentosity, but perhaps BQB is indeed the chosen one.

That’s why you’re the Potentate.

Humans, please keep the inquiries coming.  Let’s keep the MP happy and keep the hot streak going.

Yours in Braininess,

Alien Jones

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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The Tao of Bookshelf – Love – Online Dating (Part 1)

Hello.

Truly, the web's wisest nerd.

Truly, the web’s wisest nerd.

I’m World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Books, Movies, and Assorted Cultural Happenings and Champion Yeti Fighter, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Today, I’d like to talk to you about love.

I’m not talking about love of cookies or love of baseball.

I’m talking about that sustainable love that fulfills your life and makes it better.

For your reading pleasure, I’ll divide this massive concept into bite size pieces:

ONLINE DATING

3.5 readers, online dating is a wonderful thing.  For you shy types to scared to walk up to a gal and introduce yourself (or you wise types who fear that walking up to a stranger at random and introducing yourself will lead to a bottle of mace in the face and a restraining order), dating websites are a great way to meet people.

But, like most technological advancements, there is a downside.

Many moons ago, online dating didn’t exist.  So people just met other people, you know, just like out in the open.  Maybe they’d find someone in college, or at work, or at some type of social gathering.

The point is that it used to be hard to find someone, and it was even harder to find a replacement for that someone.  Thus, if that someone made a minor faux paus like break wind in your general vicinity, take the last slice of pizza before offering it to you first, or try to sell you into the harem of an Arabian businessman, you’d cut the guy a break because, you’d think, “Holy Crap, do I really have to walk up to someone at a social gathering and say hello to some jerkface for the SECOND time in my life?”

Online dating has changed all that.  You’ve got these websites that act as de facto people catalogs and you don’t really learn much about a potential mate.

There’s a picture and a few paragraphs.  And most people put their best foot forward.  They find that one shot that makes them look like a supermodel.  They write some nonsense about how they spend their free time helping starving orphans and finding a cure for cancer.  Then you meet this person and said individual looks like a shaved Yeti and worse, has barely cracked the cancer code.

“Yeah.  I’m almost there if I can just figure out where to plug in this variable, my ass.”

Here’s the problem.  If online dating has made it easier to find someone, then, by the powers of the transitive property, it is easier to find a replacement for your current someone and therefore, wait for it…

EASIER TO DUMP SOMEONE!

"Ugh!  We're through!"

“Ugh! We’re through!”

Ladies, be honest.  If your dream man lets one rip in your presence, you’re jumping on Match.com in 3.5 seconds to see who you can replace him with, aren’t you?

“Oooh!  He likes like a non-farter!”

Men, you’re doing the same thing.  Admit it.  Your lady isn’t down for a bit of the old slap and tickle one night and your brain automatically goes to that place where you assume that your manly needs will never be met again and WORSE that there is a bevy of bodacious online dating site chicks who’d break down your door and have their way with you IF ONLY this dang headache having wife wasn’t in the way.

Listen to me.  I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler.  I’m a man who built a website with 3.5 readers so I know what I’m talking about.

Don’t get on that hamster wheel.

Men.  Women.  Give your significant other a break.

Ladies, that dude you dump your current man for is going to fart in your general direction one day too.

Dudes, that woman you leave your current woman for is going to have a headache once in awhile also.  She might even end up having more headaches than your current lady.  She might even be a world class farter.

Your entire life could descend into one smelly headache having mess.  You’ll end up yearning for the days of your only once in awhile headache having ex.

We humans have a tendency to always, ALWAYS believe the grass is greener on the other side, BUT every lawn has a brown batch, or some mud, or a gopher hole.  No lawn is perfect.

Sometimes I wish we were back in the days when people cared about their lawns.  People would say, “Well, hell, I wish I had a nice lush green lawn but damn it, this lawn’s always been there for me and I can’t find another lawn so I’m going to trim and water this darling lawn of mine forever because I love her, damn it.”

(For the record, we’re talking about mates, not lawns.)

The media is partially to blame for this.  They’re filling our stupid heads full of fantasies and suggestions that there are perfect women who are always down for the slap and tickle and men who never fart.  When that romantic comedy is over, you never see the behind the scenes action where dream girl and hunky stud fart all over the place, sounding like a couple of ducks with Tourette’s Syndrome.

But, it’s up to YOU to ignore that media nonsense and cut your loved one a break when he or she do not totally meet your expectations.

Before closing, allow me to preemptively respond to anticipated to this anticipated criticism:

So I should stay with someone who has turned into a total a-hole?

No.  Of course not.  Ladies, don’t stay with an abusive man who’s pulling a Sugar Ray Leonard on your money maker.

Dudes, don’t stick around with a woman who’s spending all your money on tacky crap for herself and playing the old slap and tickle with various other dudes behind your back.

There are a whole host of major, serious problems that your special someone might develop where you should, by all means, put on your running shoes and do the 50 meter dash straight out the door.

What I’m saying is, if someone has a minor problem, nobody’s perfect.  People make mistakes.  Sometimes people say the wrong thing.  Sometimes people forget things that seem important.  Sometimes people can’t do and/or be everything you dreamed of.

And yes, sometimes people do fart.

BOTTOMLINE – If you spend your whole life searching for perfection, you won’t find it, unless you can talk your spouse into using a cork.

For the Tao of Bookshelf, this has been Bookshelf Q. Battler.  Thanks for stopping by the Bookshelf Battle Blog.  Put your feet up.  Make yourself at home and most importantly, click on some buttons and shit.

Attorney Donnelly advises the author is a man claiming to own a magic bookshelf, so take any advice at your own risk and with a grain of salt.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Introduction – The Tao of Bookshelf

Hello.

Our noble blog host, Bookshelf Q. Battler, aka BQB

Our noble blog host, Bookshelf Q. Battler, aka BQB

I’m World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Books, Movies, and Assorted Cultural Happenings and Champion Yeti Fighter, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

You might know me from my blog, bookshelfbattle.com, a site read by as many as 3.5 readers.  One of them is my aunt but let’s be honest, not every blogger can hold their extended relatives’ attention.

Hard to believe I know, but I wasn’t always an astoundingly impressive entertainer of 3.5 individuals.

Truth be told, I used to suck like a Hoovermatic attached to a diesel engine.

(I’m using the word ‘suck’ in the context of ‘not doing very well’ and not, you know, the other more derogatory meaning.)

Recently, there was a hashtag game on twitter (follow me @bookshelfbattle and join in the fun!) called, “My Regrettable Super Power.”

I put down that I have 20/20 hindsight.

And I really do.

BEHOLD, THE UNCANNY HINDSIGHT MAN!  Able to see exactly what he SHOULD have done at the EXACT moment when it’s TOO LATE to do anything about it.

Millenials, put the phones down for a minute and let’s talk.  No, ok put down the iPad too.  OK then…hey, hey…the laptop? Yeah shut that off please.

Finally, now we can really have a dialogue and…look I’m not going to talk over the X-BOX just hit pause.  And turn the TV off.

OK so back to what I was saying…Jesus Christ.  Seriously?  Are you seriously Netflixing Orphan Black on the toaster right now?

Why would the toaster company even put a screen in the toaster?  Fine.  Just keep it on low volume.

Millenials, you know how your mother told you to stay away from that guy Larry?  You know, the one who doesn’t have a job, always bums money off you, and comes up with longwinded arguments as to why it’s really YOUR fault that he keeps sleeping with other women behind your back?

Yeah.  Mom isn’t trying to ruin your life by chasing Larry away.

She’s speaking with a voice of experience.  She remembers dating Raul, another guy who, like Larry, didn’t have a job, always bummed money off of her, and always explained to her why it was her fault that he slept around.

As POTUS would say, “Let me be clear.”

I’m not old.  I’m just a bit older than you all.

But do you want to know why people age?

Because if we could take what we know now and apply it in young bodies, we’d damn well take over the friggin’ universe.

I’m not kidding either.  That old man feeding the ducks that you walk by everyday?  Sure he seems like a sweet old gent but give him a youth elixir and he will take his 80 or 90 years of knowledge gained about the world and use it to take everything over.

You never knew that did you?  You know how in Jurassic Park all the dinosaurs were genetically engineered to be female to keep them from breeding?

God came up with shit like arthritis and glaucoma to keep your nana from becoming a god damn international warlord player pimp with all the information she’s learned through eight decades of the trial and error process that is life.

My Aunt Gertie would become an iron fisted dictator if she could figure out how to work the TV remote.  It's the 'on' button, Gert...

My Aunt Gertie would become an iron fisted dictator if she didn’t have to take a nap every twenty minutes.

Now, because I’m an exceptionally vain nerd, let me repeat.  I’m not old.  I’m not even middle aged.

But, I have collected a lot of knowledge, that while it’s too late for me to bank on, it’s not too late to help out folks who are just starting out in life and getting a handle on this whole adult thing.

Or is it ever too late?  You know what, for you older folks, you might learn a thing or two as well.

Young or old, it doesn’t matter.  I feel the really important thing to take away from this is that you should visit my site often and click on a lot of the buttons and shit so I can have a better case to explain to the publishing industry why I’m a total badass.

Did I say that?  Scratch that.  What’s important is that once in awhile, you check out “The Tao of Bookshelf” and see if there’s any advice that I, Bookshelf Q. Battler, can provide to help your life suck less.

Attorney Donnelly advises that there is no guarantee that taking BQB’s advice can make your life suck less.  If anything, it might make your life suck more.  You know what?  Don’t listen to anything he says.  Please don’t sue him. He only has 3.5 dollars.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.  Thank God shutterstock had pictures of BQB and Aunt Gertie available.

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Ask the Alien – 3/01/15

Greetings Earth Losers.

Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Of course, I call you all losers with the best of intentions.  As Intergalactic Correspondent for Bookshelf Battle,

it’s my duty to provide knowledge and understanding to your pitiful excuse for a planet.  With this column, I hope to alleviate your world’s colossal level of ignorance one question at a time.  Only then will my fellow aliens stop using “I really Earthed that up!” as a phrase to describe how one made a catastrophic blunder.

The proprietor of this website, one Bookshelf Q. Battler, put the word out to his 3.5 readers that an alien was available to answer any and all questions.  Answers to the universe’s many great mysteries don’t grow on trees, you know.

Three of you responded. The .5th of the other reader was apparently indisposed.  I shall now put on my thinking cap and address your questions.

Kim Magennis’ blog, Whimsy is always a good time for sci-fi nerds.  She writes:

BQB will esteemed Alien Jones tell us who built the pyramids, and if they are, as rumoured, intergalactic portals?

Disappointing as this news may be to you, aliens had nothing to do with the pyramids.

Yes, for their time, the pyramids of Ancient Egypt were marvels of human architecture.  Aliens are often suspected of being involved, simply because the magnitude of such structures would be difficult for modern human contractors to construct, let alone those of the ancient times of Earth.

However, one must consider the fact that if you were to take the most breathtaking examples of human architecture available today, they would look like piles of alien expectorant when compared to the buildings of my home world.  We have buildings that defy all of your Earth laws of physics and gravity.  We have buildings that move around, levitate, rotate, reach up into the clouds, and even disappear and reappear on command.

In short, our buildings are like nothing your human brain can comprehend.  Frankly, the idea that we superior aliens would be bothered to make a pile of bricks that come up to a point is a tad insulting.

Who did build the pyramids then?  Alas, I can offer you no great explanation other than they were built by the ancient Hebrew slaves who were unjustly held captive by the Pharaoh.

If you’ve ever suffered through negotiations with an overweight, butt crack sporting American contractor, in which you were told it would take 3-6 months to build a deck on the back of your home, then your mind is understandably in awe of the idea that mere men could possibly construct pyramids.

However, keep in mind that in Ancient Egypt, there were no civil rights, and if the Pharaoh wanted his slaves to build him some pyramids, then he just had them whipped until he got what he wanted.  If you were allowed to whip your contractor today, he’d have your deck built in 2.5 days.  One if you whipped him really hard.  Spare the whip, spoil the contractor, I always say.

That was truly a sad time in human history but thankfully, slavery is a thing of the past on your world.

As for portals to other dimensions, everyone knows those are only opened when you eat a box of junior mints and twirl around three times whilst singing Lady Gaga’s Poker Face.

Since only 3.5 people are reading this blog, I think it is safe to say that Lady Gaga is actually an alien.  All of her songs are just the anthems of various planets.  Bad Romance is the official song of my home world.  It sounds better in my language.  It loses something in the English translation.

NEXT QUESTION!

Author Julie Shackman, whose new romantic comedy, Hero or Zero, is available on amazon, tweeted the following:

Hello human.  Ahh, romance.  It feels like just yesterday I met my government mandated life mate and we were legally required to provide samples of our genetic material in order to produce ten thousand clones in a laboratory.  Upon completion of their gestation period, our cloned children were sent to toil away on the Gamphis Mines of Asteroid Delta 81Q.  Kids.  They grow up so fast.  And do you think any of them bother to send so much as a direct-to-brain post card?  No.  Ingrates.

My favorite genre?  It is difficult to say.  The aliens of my world are the most intelligent of the entire universe.  There is literally nothing we do not know.  Therefore, we already know the contents of every book ever written.    We even know the contents of books yet to be written, before the writer has even put his fingers on the keyboard.

We even know the future of your favorite television shows.  SPOILER ALERT!  In this alien’s humble opinion, the 2019 House of Cards/Game of Thrones crossover episode in which Frank Underwood dumps Claire and marries the Khaleesi will be the jump the shark moment for both programs.

Since we already know what happens in all literary works, it is hard for us to enjoy anything.  We do produce our own books, but most of them involve complex mathematics, science, physics, and the occasional Firefly fan fiction.

If you are twisting my ganderflazer and forcing me to pick a genre, I’d have to go with female empowerment books.  This alien was a big fan of Eat, Pray, Love.  I can tell you there are times when I want to launch my government mandated life mate into the stratosphere, escape in a life pod, and tour the galaxy on a mission to find myself whilst squiring around an attractive Boglodon.

Have you ever seen a Boglodon?  Their eyes are quite fetching.  All sixteen of them.   And even though mine is an asexual species, there is never a dull moment when a Boglodon is around.

THIRD AND FINAL QUESTION!

Author Joe Schwartz whose website is joesblacktshirt.com tweeted:

And a thank you to author Seb Kirby of sebkirby.com for retweeting news of my intergalactic correspondence to the masses.

Somewhere on Alvek, a bunch of aliens are laughing all four of their respective butts off about this.

Somewhere on Alvek, an alien is laughing all four of his butts off about this.

Mr. Schwartz, I must inform you that “the Dress” is actually a prank perpetrated by the dastardly Alvektarians.  Theirs is a lowly species.  They do very little other than sit around, consume complex carbohydrates, partake of inebriating substances, and think up pranks to pull on other alien races.  Truly, I’d say Alvektarians are lowlier than humans, except that Alvektarians have mastered space flight, outlawed reality television, and I have never observed one of them go to a shopping center while wearing pajama pants.

They’ve been sending that dress photo to various planets for years and laughing their four separate and distinct butts off at the ensuing chaos.  Planet Spandroxi, a once peaceful world, is now engulfed in the flames of a violent civil war over the dress photo.

The Spandroxis who look at the dress and see yellow and gold and those who look at it and see blue and black have been at each others’ throats for decades with no end in sight.  The yellow and gold folks are particularly adamant, having captured several of the blue and black seeing individuals and forced them into reeducation camps where they are required to stare at the dress for days at a time and sign pledges swearing that the dress is yellow and gold.

Meanwhile, the Kwenlo Delegation, after a brief civil unrest, declared it treason to ever make mention of “the Dress.”  Luckily, I’m not in Kwenlo territory or I’d be beaten with my own ganderflazer just for writing this column.

On my home world, my illustrious emperor has declared that “The Dress” is burnt sienna with just a touch of chartreuse, so I am bound by law (and an overwhelming desire to keep my ganderflazer attached to my body) to agree.

Thank you for your questions.  I must now depart, for my government mandated life mate is bogarting all of the nutrition cubes again.

Alien Jones, whose real name is unpronounceable by humans, hails from a world whose name he isn’t allowed to tell us as his emperor is afraid that humans will find a way to infiltrate it and permeate its airwaves with reality television.  He claims that Earth is considered by literally every known planet to be “the armpit of the universe” and is now on a mission to raise our world’s collective level of knowledge one question at a time.

Do you have a question for the Esteemed Alien?  Leave it in the comments on this blog, tweet it to @bookshelfbattle or drop it on the Bookshelf Battle Google+ page.  You never know, Alien Jones might even give your work a plug.  Apparently, he might even plug it vigorously if it involves Firefly fan fiction.

Response times may vary, but in general, he’s thinking Sundays will be a good time to do this.

Alien Image Courtesy of “Marauder” on openclipart.org

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