Hello 3.5 Englishes,
Your old pal BQB here.
So check it out.
I’m thinking about becoming Amish for the following reasons:
#1 – Too much stress. Too much technology.
That’s two reasons. Too much stressful technology? OK now it is one.
Cell phones were a great invention but really never should have evolved other than you have a device you can use to call someone and ask for help if you find yourself in a jam.
YES – “I’ve run my car off the road and need help!”
NO – “Hello this is your boss. I know you are on vacation but I need to talk to you on the phone right now while you are sitting on the toilet in the bathroom of a Tijuana Señor Frog’s.”
3.5 READERS: But BQB what about your blog?
Good riddance, infernal blog! Who needs you? Always pestering me to update you just to entertain 3.5 readers.
NOTE: I’m just kidding. I love you blog and 3.5 readers.
#2 – Health – Diet and Exercise
Have you ever seen a fat Amish guy? No!
Why? First they’re always exercising. But they’re not going to gym like assholes and running around on a treadmill like a goddamn hamster on a wheel are they?
No. They are not. They are raising barns and churning butter and planting crops and so on.
Shit actually happens when they exercise.
Wait. You know what? Up until like 1950 people didn’t even think to call strenuous activity “exercise.” They just called it “doing shit.”
Here’s what people were like:
CHESTER: Hey Bob! You doing some shit on your farm?
BOB: Sure am, Chester. I’m doing all this shit on my farm, then later I’m going to pickup some heavy shit and move some shit and dig up some shit and plant some shit. You off to do some shit of your own?
CHESTER: Of course. Gotta get to my farm where I will also do a ton of shit. In fact, I got a long ass fuckin’ walk to my farm and I’ll tell you even that wears the shit out of me. But once I walk to my farm I’m going to do a lot of shit.
BOB: Boy howdy, doing shit sure does keep you from becoming a fat fuck doesn’t it?
CHESTER: What’s a fat fuck, Bob? I’ve never seen or heard of one before.
BOB: I think I saw one in a picture book once. Some egghead scientist theorized that if people ever stop doing shit they’ll get really fat.
CHESTER: Aint that some shit?
But now we’ve got cars and computers and gadgets and shit so a lot of the heavy lifting is gone.
Second reason why you never see a fat Amish guy – they’ve got good diets.
Seriously. They don’t have Amish McDonalds. They no quiero Taco Bell. They don’t have processed foods.
You know what their food process is? They pull a damn carrot out of the ground and shove it in their suck hole and then if they want a steak they cut it off the ass of the cow that has been their family friend for years.
That in and of itself would get me to stop eating meat and become a vegetarian.
I love steak and burgers, but only as long as some nameless butcher in some factory somewhere is hacking the cow to pieces somewhere far, far away where I never see it.
If I have to hack the cow up then I’ll just eat carrots instead. I’m not going to bond with Bossy the cow and then be all like, “I’m hungry so time to die, Bossy.”
And I love chicken, especially chicken tenders and chicken nuggets…but not enough to wrap my hands around a chicken’s neck and strangle the ever loving shit out of it until I watch all of that chicken’s hopes and dreams fade from its eyes as the last bit of its life force exits its feathery carcass.
No thank you. Fuck that. Pass the broccoli. And no matter how many reports I get that broccoli is good for you, I will never forego red meat and chicken meat in the name of broccoli unless I’m Amish.
#3 – Romance Simplified
Oh my God. Dating is such bullshit.
Just arrange my marriage when I’m five. Or you know what? Just let me choose. The one in the bonnet or the other one in the bonnet.
And let her choose too. This isn’t Communist Russia. Let her choose between me, the one in the beard and the hat or the other one in the beard and the hat.
I’m sure there is a modicum of bullshit that enters into Amish dating.
“Oh, I was going to marry Ezekiel but Jedediah has raised far more many barns!”
But that’s fine. I’ll just raise a lot of barns. At least then I know what to do. Here in the modern world women get mad at you and you never know why and even they don’t know why.
But in Amish world its simple. You just haven’t raised enough barns and you need to raise some more and then you will be able to get your hands on an Amish babe’s sweet, sweet ankle.
So that’s it.
Those are my three reasons.
I want to be Amish so I can kick technology to the curb, exercise more, eat less and eat more nutritious food and impress women by raising barns.
What say you, 3.5 readers? Am I on to something here? Do you want to become Amish with me?