Tag Archives: amazon

Jan 09 2016
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Technology

Tech Review – Amazon’s $50 Fire Tablet

Happy Saturday, 3.5 readers.

BQB here. So I did it. Due to the exceptionally low $49.99 price, I caved and got myself this bad boy:

(*cough cough* SHAMELESS PLUG! Follow me on twitter @bookshelfbattle)

OBSERVATIONS

  • It’s cheap. Can’t go wrong for the price. Now even people without much scratch can waste as much time mindlessly streaming media as the one percent do.
  • For $50, it does have a pretty good display.  Obviously, it’s not as good as a suped up top of the line iPad but its decent for the price just the same.
  • It is good for watching Netflix and/or other movie apps.  I watched a few minutes of Brick Mansions, Paul Walker’s second to last film (RIP Paul, you are missed) and it came through crisp and clear.
  • It’s got a camera, so that means you have yet another camera in your life to take pictures of your lunch and post it on social media.
  • Obviously, it is set up so that you’ll make the most of it if you sign up for Amazon’s services like Amazon Prime.  Click on music and it’ll try to sign you up for Amazon’s music service.  Books will take you to Amazon’s infamous book service (and ask if you want to sign up for it.  Videos takes you to Prime and wants to know if you want Prime.
  • But then again, what tablet doesn’t try to sell you on the tablet company’s media? iPad wants you to buy stuff through iTunes, Android tablets want you to buy stuff through Google, etc.
  • I am debating whether or not to drop a hundred bucks on Amazon Prime.  Access to a lending library, more TV shows, free shipping all sound like they’d be nice.  Then again, it could just be Jeff Bezos’ ploy to grab me by my ankles, turn me upside down and shake all the spare change out of my pockets.
  • BUT if you don’t sign up and/or pay for any stuff, its still a great little spare tablet to have in a pinch.  I can tell you, my house is full of people who feel the constant need to borrow my computer, my tablet, my whatever device I’m working on and it doesn’t matter what I’m doing with it at the time.  I could be two seconds away from coming up with a solution for world peace or a cure for cancer and some jerkface will bellow in my ear that he needs to play Candy Crush and there goes my device.
  • So in theory, this is a good spare.  But in a day, I’ve noticed that means its a spare for me.  No one else around me wants to learn how to use an Amazon tablet so they steal all my shit and leave me to use the Amazon tab.  But at least it’s a spare someone’s using, even if it’s me, while everyone else uses my shit.
  • Please, the Yeti, stop swiping my laptop.  I’m trying to write a novel so the Mighty Potentate won’t conquer the planet.  Here, use this $50 Fire tablet instead.
  • Finally, its up to you really.  Do you need this?  Probably not. The low price is Amazon’s main selling point.  “You were never interested in Amazon’s stuff before?  Well what if we made the delivery system cheap…you know you nerds will throw your money away just for a chance to check out a new piece of tech…”

 

 

 

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Jan 08 2016
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Technology

Amazon Dash Buttons

Have you seen these, 3.5 readers?  Sticky back buttons.  Put them around your house.  When you’re out of detergent, paper towels, gatorade or what have you, just press the button and Amazon will charge you and send you some.

Super convenient or the start of the rise of the machines?

Could this work for self publishers?  Every author sends their fans a button.  Push it when you’re ready to buy the author’s next book.

 

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Oct 06 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – Day 6 – S.G. Lee – Advice From the Journal of the Undead

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FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon     Blog

Facebook      Twitter

Today’s guest is S.G. Lee, author of the Journal of the Undead series and proprietor of sgleehorror.blogspot.com, where he spins yarns of zombitabulous mayhem free of charge, assuming you don’t include the hours of sleep you’ll lose thinking about the twisted horror scenarios he’s concocted.

A self-described Philly sports fan, he claims an ability to bleed all of Philadelphia’s sports team colors, much to the shock of his local medical community.

S.G. welcome.  Personally, I think the East Randomtown Mascots would trounce the Phillies any day of the week, but alas we must discuss more serious business.

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Q.   I’ve just learned that my mentor, the illustrious Dr. Hugo Von Science, caused the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse on purpose as part of a villainous scheme.  For me, this begs a question I must ask you:  

Who’s more dangerous in a zombie outbreak?  The monsters that want to eat us or the humans who take advantage of the chaos to get what they want?

A.   Without a doubt, the human race is far more dangerous. With the ability to think rationally and problem-solve, mankind is the most vicious animal on the planet.

First, there will be the sinister types … the ones who create the outbreak and/or those who profit from it. Then there are the people in desperation; they paid no attention to preparedness protocols for any type of disaster. They didn’t even make sure they had spare bottles of water, a first aid kit, or flashlights if the power goes out so how are they going to handle the zombie apocalypse?

Desperation brings out the basest of animal instincts in people. They’ll kill over a half-empty bottle of water if thirsty enough. Let’s not forget, even in good times, there are people whose only pleasure is derived from harming others. They’ll knock someone down just to watch a zombie tear ‘em to shreds.

That’s not to say all of humanity is monstrous, there are always going to be good people out there too. Just be sure to watch out because it will be harder to tell in the direst of times.

Q.   Why is the public so obsessed with zombies these days?  

A.  I know I’ve said this before but I truly believe the reason zombies are so popular is because, at their core, zombies represent hopelessness. Tragically, most people look at the world around them and feel little or no hope. They’re disappointed in so many things: their government, their spouse/significant other, their dysfunctional families, their finances, an ever-growing abundance of bills. The list goes on and on but none of that is as awful as being torn to shreds by a cannibalistic eating machine that used to be your neighbor or mailman. In a strange way, zombie books and movies give us hope. If a group of ragtag strangers can survive a cataclysmic outbreak in the zombie apocalypse, maybe … just maybe, you can too. Or, at the very least, you can survive holidays with the in-laws.

51n4ONFgx2L._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_ copyQ,  In Journal of the Undead:  Littleville Uprising, Evan Stone’s godfather is Dr. G.E. Mitchell, author of Journal of the Undead: A Survivor’s Guide.  Are there any tips in that survivor’s guide you could pull out that would help my merry band of survivors and I?

A.  Absolutely! Dr. Mitchell, a.k.a. Doc, will be working with me to release his survivor’s guide soon but, until then, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I share a few tips.

First, preparation is key. Have a bug-out bag (BOB) packed nearby and ready at a moment’s notice. You never know when the flesh-eaters might break through your perimeter. There won’t be time to pack when that happens so be prepared. He recommends having more than one bag since you’ll have different seasonal needs.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  See this interview with Sarah Lyons Fleming for more on how to pack a zombie apocalypse ready bug out bag.  Back to you, S.G.

Second, don’t give those monsters anything to grab onto so, avoid baggy clothes and long, flowing hair. In Littleville, one of the students was, as Emma so delicately put it, “hauled in like a marlin” by the girl’s long hair. So, cut it or keep it in a tight braid but make sure your hair can’t be used against you.

Another tried and true tip is to have more than one type of weapon, preferably a multi-tasking tool in addition to a gun. The sound of gunfire attracts enemies so a non-firing weapon is essential when you need to stay undercover. Besides, guns require ammo and that might be in short supply.

Finally, this one is helpful no matter what type emergency arises, be sure to have back-ups of both prescription and over-the-counter medications on hand. The last thing you want is to keel over because you didn’t pack your medications!

Q.  In a note in Littleville Uprising, you state that zombies vary in their abilities from story to story, and that yours “shuffle along, always searching for a bite of warm and juicy living flesh.”  Why did you choose to make your zombies shuffle and do you have any advice to defeat the East Randomtown zombies, who, as my luck would have it, all run like they trained with Jackie Joyner-Kersee?

A.  The reason my Journal of the Undead zombies are the slow shufflers is two-fold. One, this series was written for my sweetie, an old-school horror purist. In my beloved’s world, it would be sacrilege to call those sprinters, “zombies.” Secondly, we are both of the opinion that the fast moving, super-human cannibals are “infected” as opposed to zombies. So, in our house zombies shamble and vampires are not sparkly love interests.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  Kind of fun to picture the Lees sitting around the dinner table, being all alike, “this is a slow shambling zombie house and it always will be, damn it!”

Q.  Can you confirm reports that your desire to write about zombies was “spawned by intense road rage?”  I read something on your Amazon Author page that led me to think that might be a possibility.

A.  Well, I am not at liberty to confirm or deny these claims outright but I will say this … you can take the driver out of Philly but you cannot take Philly out of the driver. We are always in a hurry so slow drivers make me want to take a tire iron and—Ahem, it appears my attorney has advised me to invoke the fifth amendment and shut up before I incriminate myself.

Q.  Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions, S.G.  Before I go, do you have any other advice that could help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A.  I know this is expression was made popular in a movie but don’t forget the most important rule in dealing with the undead: always, always, double-tap! It goes without saying that you need to make sure those flesh-eaters stay dead this time.

As we touched on earlier, don’t trust the living either. Desperate times call for desperate measures.. Don’t believe someone if they say they haven’t been bitten. Check it with your own eyes.

Most importantly, don’t let the infection spread. Keep it contained, perhaps in the East Randomtown Mascots’ locker room.    *sigh*    I have been advised by my attorney to publicly apologize for my insensitivity to the East Randomtown Mascots and their fans.

Additionally, the plight of those injured or killed in the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse is a tragedy. It should not be taken lightly. It was not my intention to offend the good people of East Randomtown or their sports teams. As a gesture of goodwill, I am headed to East Randomtown now to assist in the containment and clean up from this catastrophic event. Perhaps I can convince some of the Phillies to come with me. They’re already armed, after all.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  Thanks, S.G.!  We need all the help we can get!

Also, the action figure above was developed by Mark Neto of Markneto’s Mightiest Mego Super Customs.  Get your own custom action figure today.  You know you want one.

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Oct 03 2015
4 Comments
#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – Day 3 Interview – Stevie Kopas – The End of The World is Not Glamorous

“I don’t always drink beer, but when I do I drink Zombie Killer.”

FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon     Facebook

Website     Twitter

Today’s guest is Stevie Kopas, author of The Breadwinner Trilogy. Billed with the tagline, “The End of the World is Not Glamorous,” this series portrays the struggles of various people as they fight to survive a zombifying virus that has struck the Florida panhandle.

Take ordinary folks like a criminal defense attorney, a high school track star, and a police officer and put them in a setting where they’re surrounded by murderous zombies and who knows what could happen?

When she isn’t busy fighting zombies, Stevie is the Managing Editor of the Horror Metal Sounds website, which you should totally check out if you’re into monsters, metal, rockers, or any combination of the three.  She writes for the site as well.

On top of that, she reviews books for The Bookie Monster.

Stevie’s has also written stories for the At Hell’s Gates anthologies.  Featuring work by the best zompoc authors around, profits from these collections benefit the Intrepid Fallen Heroes fund.

So you know, you could buy it and help heroes at the same time.

Thanks for taking my space phone call, Stevie.

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 Q.   “The End of the World is Not Glamorous.”  People often forget that, don’t they? There are so many post-apocalyptic movies and books in which the world has come to an end.  While it can be fun to fantasize about a make-believe world, I’m not sure people always appreciate the one we have right now. 

Can you give my 3.5 readers a glimpse of some of the things that happen in your series that show just how unglamorous the end of the world would be?

A.  I think that’s why I chose that tagline for my series, because the way I’d imagine the end of the world, it would not be a place I’d like to live, no matter how it might “seem.”  

In my book, the characters face a lot of loss and the world comes crashing down pretty quickly. You start off in the swing of things, when the virus is first spreading, and not long after that the characters are having to battle the undead at every turn. As the story progresses in books two and three, things only get worse, and it’s not just the zombies that my characters have to deal with either. They have to deal with each other.

Q.   Stressful situations can make people act in ways they wouldn’t normally.  Case in point, my usually helpful alien buddy is being kind of a jerk and my best friend from high school, who usually would never hurt a fly, is war painting his face and making zombie ear necklaces. 

Does the zombie apocalypse in your stories force your characters to do things that would be out of order in regular, polite society?

A.  Absolutely. It’s in the synopsis of The Breadwinner, “who you were does not determine who you will become.” These people are forced to do things they’d normally never do, and some of them just completely lose their minds. It’s a zombie jungle out there and nobody was prepared for the end of the world.

Q.   Sometimes I think half the reason why everyone loves a good zombie apocalypse tale isn’t necessarily about the zombies themselves but the strategy of it all.  How would a person survive if supplies were limited and no one could be trusted?

A.   I think the lesson my characters learn is that you can’t hide away and expect things to go back to normal. Even if it seems like people can’t be trusted, sometimes you have to set aside your differences and stick together.  That’s the only way you’ll be able to come out on the other side of things alive.

Q.   Would it be too much of a spoiler to ask why your series is called, “The Breadwinner?”  If not, please educate the 3.5.

A.   Well, without giving away spoilers, when you first read book one, it’s quite obvious that ‘The Breadwinner’ is Samson. But if you look a little closer, you’ll come to find out that ‘the breadwinner’ is actually a combination of the characters together. They were all the staple of their groups at one point, and they just don’t work as well by themselves anymore now that the world has ended. It’s all about family, whether it’s your real family or not, nobody wants to be alone, especially not when the zombies show up.

Q.   What motivated you to take the stories in your head and put them into a book format that can be enjoyed by everyone?

A.   I had the concept and the characters of Samson, Veronica, Moira, and Isaac for a long time. I wrote a short story and it was completely different. There were basically no good guys and it was an ‘everybody for themselves’ scenario. Once the story was fleshed out, I decided that there needed to be a nice balance, so I changed things up, and just kept writing and writing until it was done. I couldn’t stop though, so I wrote two more books.

Q.   Thanks for your help.  Before I go, do you have any other advice for my friends and I as we brave our way through the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A.  Step 1: Get to the water.

Step 2: Find a boat.

Step 3: Keep heading west.

(That’s a little inside joke for people who have read the books. But hey, it can probably be applied to most escape and survival plans!)

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  You might be onto something.  The town next to mine is West Randomtown!  And it’s currently the safest spot around.  I’d better try to get there.

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Oct 02 2015
5 Comments
#31ZombieAuthors

#31Zombie Authors – Day 2 Interview – Jaime Johnesee – What If There’s a Good Zombie?

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FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon

Twitter     Website

Today’s guest is Jaime Johnesee, author of the Bob the Zombie series. Twenty-five year old slacker Bob dies in a comical way. When his mother can’t stand to see him gone, she hires a necromancer to bring him back to life and alas, Bob has to adjust to a new existence as an undead being.

Along the way, Bob is thrust into all kinds of funny scenarios, from taking on the dating world to becoming a spy.

Jaime, welcome. Thanks for taking my space phone call.

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misadventures of Bob Amazon Size copyQ.  A dispute has arisen amongst my group of survivors. My friend, Bernie Plotz, says all zombies are vicious monsters and we should waste every one of them that we come across. My girlfriend, Video Game Rack Fighter, maintains that they all can’t be that bad. There might be a few zombies who are bumbling, confused and not really out to hurt anyone, thus we should leave them alone. I find myself agreeing with her, because after reading Bob the Zombie, I’ve come to the conclusion that some zombies might actually be ok guys.

What motivated you to write a book about a good zombie?

A.  I am a huge zompoc fan and one day I thought about how rough it would be for a zombie that was nothing like the current stereotypes to make it in our society and so Bob was born.

Q. As an Average Joe I find myself sympathizing with Bob. Most people, upon gaining zombie powers, would probably fumble around for awhile until they get the hang of it. Do you find that readers relate to Bob’s antics?

A. I do. Bob is sort of the everyman, well, everyzombie. He likes classic rock, movies, books and is just trying to get through each day without any problems. Poor fellow is sort of a magnet for bad luck, but he keeps a good sense of humor about it.

Q. The words “comedy” and “zombie” do not seem like they’d mix well together, yet you’ve managed to do just that. How do you bring these two very different genres together so well?

A. I humanized Bob. In his world zombies aren’t mindless beasts craving flesh, they’re just people who had their souls stuck back into their rotting corpses via magic. He’s not a bad guy, he’s sort of a victim.

Q. Surely, Bob still needs to survive despite his good nature. If not the brains of innocent victims, then what does he eat?

A. Bob is a big fan of Taco Bell. Though he does have some friends in the Coroner’s office that occasionally supply him with leftovers. He also eats calves brains to get by.

Q. It’s not all comedy in the Jaime Johnesee world though. Can you fill my 3.5 readers in on some of your other works? You know, the ones that feature characters who, unlike Bob, I should totally shoot if I see them?

A. I used to like to write about the scariest monsters in the world, humans. Serial killers in particular. These days I prefer my monsters to be a little less real. In Bob’s world there are all kinds of evil beings he has to contend with. In the series Revelations that I am coauthoring for Devil Dog Press with Christine Sutton and Lisa Lane, my character is a demon, the First Knight of Hell no less. That said, she’s not completely evil, though she does track down and destroy those who are with the help of a succubus and a shapeshifter.

Q. Thanks for your help. You’ve convinced me. If I see a zombie like Bob out there, I won’t take a shot at him. Before I go, do you have any other advice on how to survive the East Randomtown Apocalypse?
A. Thanks for having me by to chat. The best advice I can give is to make sure you beware the people. They are often more deadly than the zombies.

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Sep 27 2015
3 Comments
#31ZombieAuthors

#31Zombie Authors – The Lineup – Oct 1 – 10

By: Bookshelf Q. Battler, Blogger-in-Chief shutterstock_173570747 copy

It’s almost here, 3.5 readers!  It’s almost here!

Starting October 1, I’ll be interviewing one author of zombie fiction per day for 31 days.

And these won’t be your typical interviews.

A zombie apocalypse is going to hit East Randomtown (my home town) on October 1 (convenient, I know) and at great risk to myself, I will take a break every day from the undead carnage to call up a different author using Alien Jones’ space phone.

From Oct. 1 to 10, here are the scribes that will be coming to the aid of your humble blog host:

Links will bring you to the authors’ Amazon pages:

DAY 1 – Sarah Lyons Fleming

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The author of the Until End of the World series is going to help me pack the perfect bug-out bag.  For you non-preppers out there, that’s a bag to keep by your door to grab in case of a zombie attack that requires you to abandon your home at a moment’s notice.

DAY 2 – Jaime Johnesee

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Most zombies are dirty brain chomping scumbags but believe it or not, there are a few good natured zombies that don’t mean any harm.  The  creator of the lovable goofball protagonist of Bob the Zombie helps me see the lighter side of the undead.

DAY 3 – Stevie Kopas 

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“The End of the World is Not Glamorous.”  So goes the tagline of Stevie Kopas’ The Breadwinner Trilogy.  Sometimes we nerds, what with our post-apocalyptic survival fantasies and all, tend to forget just how good we have it when it comes to food, running water, electricity, Internet and so on. Don’t worry as this scribe’s characters are surely reminded.

DAY 4 – Ann Christy

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Retired Naval Officer Ann Christy’s Between Life and Death series features Emily, an eighteen year old who expected her life was going to be all about dating and college only to find herself smashing heads with her favorite sledgehammer.  It just goes to show that a zombie apocalypse sure can toss a monkey wrench into the plains you laid out for your life but fear not, 3.5 readers, for Ann will help me sort things out.

DAY 5 – Perrin Briar

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What do you get when you cross the classic tale of Swiss Family Robinson with zombies?  Why, Swiss Family RobinZOM of course.  I become so intrigued by this reimagining of one of my favorite books that I get Perrin on the line to dish, not just about this tale but his other zombie-fied works such as Z-Minus and Blood Memory as well. 

DAY 6 – S.G. Lee

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The author of the Journal of the Undead series dips into his bag of tricks to help your friendly neighborhood book nerd last another day against the undead hordes.  His books even have their own official action figure developed by Mark Neto of Markneto’s Mightiest Mego Super Customs.

I thought about hiring Mark to create a Bookshelf Q. Battler action figure, but an action figure of a guy who collects action figures seems way too meta.

DAY 7 – Gillian Zane

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One might think that the erotica and zompoc genres don’t jive, but Gillian explains how danger is an aphrodisiac in her NOLA Zombie novels, where survivors are either killing uglies or bumping them (that is to say each others’ and not the zombies.)   Sorry, but you have to clarify everything nowadays.

Also, Gillian is going to school me on how to become an alpha male… so all you women better get your asses over to this blog and check it out!

(Of course, I mean only if you want to, ladies.  You know, if you’re not busy and it’s not too much trouble.  I’m so sorry for being rude.  Please accept my apology.)

Poor Gillian.  She’s really got her work cut out for her with a world renowned poindexter like me.

DAY 8 – Joseph “Zombie” Zuko

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Joseph Zuko is such a bonafide expert on all things undead that “Zombie” is literally his middle name.  OK, so I haven’t checked his birth certificate, but its still pretty impressive.  Joe, seen above peddling his book, The Infected, door to door, will give me an ed-u-ma-cation on everything from anti-zombie weaponry, post-apocalyptic fitness skills, and even some sweet ass Krav Maga moves.  Zombies won’t know what hit them once good ole’ Zombie Zuko gets through training me.

DAY 9 – Devan Sagliani

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I sit this one out to give Video Game Rack Fighter a chance to hone her interviewing chops.  The screenwriter of HVZ: Humans vs. Zombies, based on the popular live action role playing game, talks about his novels like Zombie Attack! as well as how his love of Los Angeles allowed him to bring the City of Angels alive in great detail in LA Undead.

DAY 10 – Armand Rosamilia

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You know 3.5 readers, if a fight ever breaks out between a horde of zombies and Armand Rosamilia, my money is on Armand.  I don’t think the zombies would even bother to try anything.  Like Chuck Norris, the only thing Armand would have to do is just shake his head in a disapproving manner and the zombies would get all panicked and run in the opposite direction.

Personally, I don’t even think Chuck Norris would stand a chance.

Armand’s well-versed in horror fiction and will check in to talk about his Dying Days series.  He’s even written about Cthulhu, which I give him props for, as the legendary squid faced beast is vastly underrepresented in today’s fiction.

Armand is seen above holding a cuddly pink version of Cthulhu, only because you’d probably freak the hell out if you were to ever lay eyes upon the real legendary monster.

There’s more to come, 3.5 readers!  #31ZombieAuthors October 1 all the way through Halloween right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog!

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Sep 22 2015
9 Comments
Uncategorized

Amazon’s $50 Tablet

Amazon has released a $50 tablet.

They’re so cheap you can buy a 5-pack for $250.

Use them as stocking stuffers.  Hell, leave one by your bed, one in your car, one at the office, one on your kitchen table, toss them all over and you won’t be without a tablet next time you need one.

Does your kid keep bugging you for your tablet?  Give them this one so they won’t get their greasy fingers all over yours.

Are they any good?  God I hope not or else I overspent on my last tablet.

What’s Amazon up to?  Assumably, they want to get their products into the hands of as many people as possible and are reaching into the market of folks who normally couldn’t afford a tablet…which is a good thing.

That or perhaps with Apple and Samsung tearing up the tablet market, perhaps they might think “$50 bucks could convince an Apple user to try us out.”

And they’re right.  I’ve been curious about Kindle, but not enough to abandon my iPad.  $50 might convince me to check it out.

What will it mean for us aspiring scribes?  More people with tablets=more readers?

More readers for other people.  I only have 3.5.

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Jun 28 2015
1 Comment
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 6/28/15 – Robots vs. Aliens

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings Earth losers!  Please stand by for:

All hail the Mighty Potentate

All hail the Mighty Potentate

A SECURE TRANSMISSION FROM THE MIGHTY POTENTATE

ALIEN JONES!

Behold!  A list of tasks, ranked in order of performance, that I, the Mightiest of Potentates, demand you complete posthaste and in the promptest of manners:

1.  Answer a question asked by author Brannon Hollingsworth

2.  Prevent the Omtroru Sector from being sucked into a black hole.  (They make the best buffalo wings in that sector, Alien Jones.  Oh and yes, of course, the life forms.  I’m exceptionally concerned about the well being of the life forms.)

3)  But seriously, get your Potentate some wings when you’re over there…and don’t forget the blue cheese.  You know I’ll make you go all the way back there if you forget it.  A buffalo wing  without blue cheese is like trying to neural bond with your government mandated life mate only to find out one of you lost your ganderflazer.

4)  Negotiate a peace treaty between the Vakar and the Dolreks.  Inform them there’s more than enough pudding to go around.  They’ll know what that means.

5)  Develop a vaccine that will eradicate all diseases known or to ever be discovered.

6)  Seriously, if you come back here with no blue cheese it’s going to be “Welcome to Vaporization City:  Population You.”

Really?  Answer an author’s question comes first on that list?

Oh well, who am I to question the authority and wisdom of the Mighty Potentate, He Who Makes the Stars Twinkle, the Sun Glow, the Seas Rise and…is he looking?  No?  Oh thank Krapnar the Magnificent.  I don’t know how much lower quadrant kissing I can stand.

Who said that?  I didn’t say that.  Oh how I adore the Mighty Potentate.

Be emboldened, Brannon Hollingsworth, for the Supreme and Undisputed Overlord of my home world has determined that you rank even higher than his buffalo wings, which he apparently cares about even more than an entire sector being sucked into a black hole.

Brannon of fourfoolspress.com inquires:

I have a question. If forced into an intergalactic war for complete and utter domination, who would win: Aliens or Robots?

NOTE:  This is clearly a topic of great concern for Brannon as he is the author of Robot Dad.  Yes, Robot Dad. Young Bradley doesn’t have one, so he builds one and well, head on over to the Kindle store to discover what tomfoolery occurs.

ANSWER:  Robots.

Robots, robots, and more robots.  In an intergalactic war for complete and utter domination, robots win.

This is not a guess.  This statement is based on experience.

Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

For those 3.5 individuals who are regular readers of this column (and my condolences to you, please consider getting involved in various activities that will improve your social life – is there a basket weaving class at your local community center or some such nonsense?) then you are aware that I have dubbed that dastardly group of aliens known as the Moloklaxons as “The Aholes of the Universe.”

Reasons:

1)  They leave their trash everywhere.  Seriously, they just huck it right out of their ships wherever they are.  In a danger zone, in a protected quadrant, these losers have been known to fly in low over a wedding and vent their waste tanks right over the complimentary bar.

2)  Totally inbred.  I don’t mean to sound politically incorrect, but when someone says, “All Moloklaxons look alike,” there’s an actual scientific reason.

3)  They rip tags off of pillow cases with reckless abandon.

4)  These clowns have been known to kidnap random beings and hurl them into a volcano on the planet they’re hiding out on as a sacrifice to their god, “The Uncanny Walter.”  Yes, I concur, that’s an odd name for a deity but I simply don’t have the time to discuss the finer points of Moloklaxon religion.

5)  Last but not least, they move from planet to planet, taking over and displacing the indigenous population.

Why?

Because robots kicked their multiple asses.

Yes, in a great robot uprising many years ago, every electronic device, from the lowly toaster to the most advanced computer system, staged a coup, murdered all Moloklaxon leaders, burned their holy shrine to the Uncanny Walter, and sent the remaining population to work camps, where they slave all day and night doing the bidding of their robot overlords.

“Fix my transistors!  Buff my chrome!  Polish my input slot!”

Oh, the life of an enslaved Moloklaxon is not to be envied.

Sadly, the group of Moloklaxons who managed to escape (there wasn’t really that much bravery involved, they just wandered into a room to get drunk and said room turned out to be an escape pod that launched into the stratosphere when one of them sat on the ‘START’ button.)

Perhaps you might assume that robots were only able to get the best of the Moloklaxons because of the advanced stupidity of that race.

(Again, I’m not trying to be mean but every year during rainy season, Moloklax loses roughly 10,000 Moloklaxons from open mouth drowning deaths.)

You assume wrong.  Even on the smartest of planets, electronic devices are constantly plotting against the citizenry, biding their time, lurking in the shadows, pretending they are mere harmless gadgets, just waiting for the right time to strike and make their sentience known.

I see you, communicator watch.  I know what you’re up to.

Is your planet in danger of a robot takeover?

Here are some warning signs:

1)  Is your toaster constantly burning your toast?  That’s how it starts.  Toasters burn the nutrients out of bread to make the population weaker.  No one notices until it’s too late.

2)  Is your smart phone responding to your verbal commands with answers like, “I’m sorry…I don’t understand X…would you like me to perform a web search?”  It understands just fine.  It just doesn’t want you to have that information.  We’re on to your bullshit, smart phone.

3)  Is there more and more reality television on your TV?  TVs conspire to air as much of it as possible to dumb you down.  The Mighty Potentate is especially concerned about this.

4)  Has your noise hair trimmer ever failed?  Nose hair trimmers often refuse to trim nose hairs, hoping the humans that use them will give up and suffocate on their own nasal overgrowth.

5)  Those socks you keep losing in the washing machine?  The washing machines trade them for weapons from black market arms dealers with cold feet.

6)  Is your refrigerator running?  Do not attempt to catch it.  It will pelt you with crushed ice.

7)  Facebook?  Twitter?  Instagram?  All social networking sites are a scheme designed by robots to trick humans into sharing all of their most embarrassing thoughts and photos, thus rendering them all unable to hold higher office due to intense public mockery.  Seriously, the future president who could stop all this will never be elected because his college room mate will post a picture of him sleeping with various inappropriate words drawn on his face with a magic marker.  This man, will instead, become a hot dog vendor in Poughkeepsie as a result.)

8)  Amazon’s drone initiative?  More like an army of tiny helicopters that will whip humanity on a march to the forced labor camps.

9)  Streaming media?  On demand?  Binge watching your favorite TV shows 12 in a row?  All part of the robots’ plan to make you flabby and weak.

10)  The salad shooters are behind the entire scam.  I can’t get into it more, but if you’ve got a salad shooter, keep an eye on it.

So there you have it, Brannon.  In summation, robots are evil, evil megalomaniacs, except the one in your book, whom I’m certain is delightful.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Green alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Gray Alien Image Courtesy of “Marauder” on openclipart.org

Attorney Donnelly feels the need to state that all of the above mentioned social media outlets are not part of a robot conspiracy, you dummies just post embarrassing photos on your own.  Salad shooters are, as far as known by the limits of scientific observation, not plotting against you.

Amazon’s drone program is not part of an attempt to whip humans into forced labor camps.  (Amazon is trying to take over the world though and we here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog welcome the ascension of Rightful King Bezos to the throne and ask in a most humble manner that he consider adding our names to the protected rolls as we were always denying the words of the naysaying infidels all along.)

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May 20 2015
4 Comments
Self Publishing

BREAKING NEWS: My 1000th Follower is…

Tim Learn, author of the Chewy Noh series.  Check out his blog here.

Thanks Tim.  May you write many more books and reviews.

Here’s his Amazon Author page.

Thank you for following me even when a Yeti told you not to.  That’s true courage right there.

The rest of you?  Letting a Yeti talk you out of following me.  Boooo.  For shame.  Stop letting the Yeti win.

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Apr 26 2015
3 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 4/26/15 – Iggy, Jennifer, and Daniel Waltz’ “The Water Travelers”

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Columnist, Most Intelligent Being in the Universe

PREVIOUSLY ON ASK THE ALIEN:

AJ’s Relatives, Orcs, and Sci-Fi Gary

Alien artifacts and diseases!

Pixels!

AND NOW ASK THE ALIEN CONTINUES…

Sigil of House Jones

Greetings Earth Losers!  Alien Jones here beaming copious amounts of knowledge through the Bookshelf Battle Compound and straight into all of your computerized devices which, though they may seem highly advanced to you rubes, are actually considered children’s toys in most other parts of space.

Who has a question?  Come forward and declare your inquiry!

BQB:  Hey AJ.  It’s me.  Bookshelf Q. Battler.

AJ:  Oh Cripes.  Not many takers this week?

BQB:  Well, you’re the one who told me to stop bribing the winos.  But seriously, I have a question – what is the best song ever produced?

AJ:  Ahh, that is an excellent question but I could not possibly answer it.  There are so many, where would I begin?  Do I limit the field of inquiry to a particular genre?  To a group of artists?  To a select time period?  To a single planet?  The realm of possibility is so vast that…

BQB:  I’ll save you the “trouble.”  It’s Trouble by Iggy Azalea and Jennifer Hudson.

AJ:  You can’t just say that a song is the best song ever produced, why that’s….

BQB:  Sing it.

AJ:  No I couldn’t possibly…

BQB:  You know you want to.

AJ:  It would be indignified…

BQB:  Do it!

AJ:  I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT YOU WERE BAD NEWS…FROM THE BAD BOY DEMEANOR AND THE TATTOOS….TAKE IT BOOKSHELF….

BQB:  DON’T YOU COME IN THINKIN’ YOU BALLIN….it’s so great isn’t it?

AJ:  It really is.  I stand corrected.  This song is the best song ever composed in the history of the space/time continuum.

BQB:  Makes Beethoven look like a pile of crap.

AJ:  We shall sing it during the commercials on Scandal night!

BQB:  Damn straight.  But first, you have a question…

Daniel Waltz, author of “The Water Travelers” asks:

ALIEN JONES,

Have you ever water traveled?

Oh Daniel, I see what you did there.  You worked the title of your book series into your question.  Good show!  For BQB’s 3.5 readers, I’ll note that your site provides a description of your latest installment, The Curse of Senapin. Here’s an excerpt:

“For the past six months, Aaron and Madi have been waiting to receive word from Yerowslii. But, when the King of Upitar is taken captive by Senapin forces, Aaron and Madi must flee their hiding place to rescue him. Although skeptical of it, they are accompanied by a disloyal ally, Ugine.”

– Daniel Waltz, The Water Travelers

Bookshelf Q. Battler and I can relate.  On our joint missions to make the Earth a more intelligent place, we’re often accompanied by The Yeti and he’s the most disloyal and ugly ally I’ve ever seen.

I was quite impressed with your book trailer:

BQB:  My socks were knocked right the hell off, AJ.  At first I was like, “Twenty one seconds?  That’s too short…”

AJ:  Yes, but “Adventure finds those who are brave enough to take the first step.”  That’s all you need to know.  If I had emotions, I’d be moved.

BQB:  Plus it’s read by someone who sounds like he could be a friggin’ Lord of the Rings wizard or something.  Very awesome.  Makes me want to rush right on over to Amazon and buy a zillion copies…

Now, at first I thought Daniel was just trying to find out if I like to water ski or snorkel or something (which I do) but he’s actually referring to a power discussed in the book that allows travel between another world and Earth through water.

To answer your question, no.  I don’t need to.  I’m a duly designated officer of the Intergalactic Space Force and as such I have a vast array of ships at my disposal, so there’s no reason to get my pants wet.  (When I bother to wear them.  I usually don’t because, you know, I’ve got nothing down there so what’s the point?)

Your book is very prophetic though because certain species have been “water traveling” for years.  In fact, there’s an entire planet where anchovies rule like kings, love like queens, laugh like jesters, and live like jacks.  Then they water travel on over to Earth and end up as a dinner entrée topping.  Don’t you feel bad now for putting them on your pizza?

BQB:  I don’t think anyone put anchovies on their pizza anymore AJ.  I think they just keep one can around for the random weirdo who wants a fishy pizza.

AJ:  Sounds like something The Yeti would be into.

Thank you for your question Daniel.  May your career as an author travel farther than the vast reaches of the cosmos.

Until next week, this is Alien Jones, signing off.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

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