“Hello. Tis I, Melisandre. Remember? With the thousand year old puss.”
Ha. Saturday Night Live opines Jon Snow’s resurrection took too long:
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/game-of-thrones-jon-snow/3032287
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Tag Archives: Game of Thrones
My Theories About Jon Snow and His Direwolf
You know nothing, 3.5 readers.
Jon Snow knows nothing…or does he?
You know nothing.
But if you read this post, you will know SPOILERS!
So you know, if you don’t want to know what’s happening on Game of Thrones then stop reading. Go play Parcheesi or eat a cheese sandwich or take a walk or some shit.
I don’t know. It’s not my job to know what to tell you what you should do when you don’t want to read Game of Thrones SPOILERS.
OK so now that all of the people with suspect nerd credentials are out of the way, let’s talk last week’s episode.
So in Season 6, Episode 2 of Game of Thrones – “Home” we find out Jon Snow is alive.
Melisandre, the Red Woman with the Evil Magic Vagina performs some hocus pocus. But nothing happens. So she and the other warrior dudes give up.
And if you ask me, they all give up too quickly. I mean, if Jon Snow were my friend, I might have tried the spell at least two more times.
Hell, if you were just some dopey stranger off the street I might try a life saving spell at least one more time.
But whatever. So then everyone leaves. And Jon Snow’s body is alone with his dire wolf.
And the wolf starts to sir. And then Jon Snow gasps for air and he’s alive.
Is there anything going on with that wolf?
Theories:
- It’s a Freaky Friday situation. Jon Snow didn’t talk. He just gasped for air. Ergo, Melisandre did the spell wrong and now the wolf’s soul is in Jon and Jon’s snow is in the wolf. Kit Harrington will just walk around barking at everyone.
- Melisandre’s spell had nothing to do with it. Jon Snow has been a worg all along, like his little brother, Bran. Jon worged his ass into his dire wolf just before he died. And then uh, I don’t know. Melisandre’s spell did have something to do with it because whatever she did pulled Jon’s soul out of the wolf and into Jon Snow’s body.
- Nothing happened with the wolf other than the show runners wanted to show you that after everyone had given up, the wolf, with its heightened wolf senses, sensed Jon Snow was back.
All I know is that no shadow assassins popped out of Melisandre’s magic vagina and her clothes and magic age defying necklace stayed on the entire time, thank God.
What theories do you 3.5 readers have going into this coming Sunday’s episode?
FULL DISCLOSURE: I didn’t make that Jon Snow meme it’s just one of many Jon Snow memes going about in the Game of Thrones nerdosphere and I thought it was funny.
Game of Thrones Recap – Season 6, Episode 2 – “Home”
Hey 3.5 Readers.
BQB here.
What an episode, right?
OK before we get started…THIS POST IS DARK AND FULL OF SPOILERS!
He’s alive! He’s alive!
Jon Snow’s back and my prediction failed. Melisandre did not use her magic vagina.
She just used her magic instead.
And it had nothing to do with the magic necklace.
Lots of great writing and acting in this episode.
You know a show is great when it can a) make you feel bad for Roose Bolton and b) make you feel bad for Melisandre.
By the way, didn’t that Iron Born Uncle out of left field look a lot like Theon?
Methinks there was some hanky panky between him and his sister-in-law.
Anyway. Game of Thrones still has got it going on after six years.
By the way, am I the only one who thought Jon Snow was going to come back in the dire wolf’s body for a second?
They kept focusing on the wolf looking around. I thought that was where they were going for a bit.
Oh well. Fake out.
Let me know what you think, 3.5 readers. Looking forward to next week already.
Melisandre, Jon Snow and an Alternative Shadow Assassin Theory
Is it? Or will your vagina make Jon Snow live again?
Hey 3.5 Readers.
BQB here.
OK. I had an epiphany.
Check this out.
- George RR Martin likes to fake us out.
- Though the show is now beyond his books, he’s still working with the show runners to teach them how to be masters of the fake out.
- So the show/books like to make us think one thing will happen then another thing happens.
What is the show trying to make us think will happen?
That Melisandre will give her life saving necklace to Jon Snow and bring him back to life.
What is going to happen?
OK. There should be some kind of cash prize for me if this actually happens but here goes. Here is my theory.
That shadow assassin wasn’t just a shadow. It was an evil soul brought back into the world of the living and then it was bound to do Melisandre’s bidding i.e. kill Renley Baratheon.
OK. Follow me on this one. Grab a pen and paper, make a flowchart if it helps.
- Melisandre has the hots for Jon Snow. She is warm for his form and because he was loyal to the Knight’s Watch and perhaps sad over the loss of Ygritte, he denied Melisandre’s advances. Jon Snow was like the first man in history to resist the awesome power of Melisandre’s evil magical vagina. Crows before hoes, baby. Crows before hoes.
- As we know, Melisandre can push evil spirits out of her evil magic vagina.
- GROUNDBREAKING THEORY: Melisandre will summon Jon Snow’s spirit out of the underworld, bring it back to the world of the living by PUSHING JON SNOW’S SOUL STRAIGHT OUT OF HER EVIL MAGICAL VAGINA and then bam! Drop Jon Snow’s soul back into Jon Snow’s body.
I’m not exactly sure how this will happen. Not going to lie. It may be a scene that involves her squatting over Jon Snow’s corpse to get the job done. Like the soul would have to fly out of her evil magic vagina and into Jon’s mouth or something.
Stop being disgusted! This is fantasy realm science, people.
3.5 Readers: BQB, we must debunk you. The shadow assassin wasn’t a soul. It was a magic ghost or specter of some kind that was the product of illicit humping between Melisandre and Stannis.
Lady Catelyn even reported that when she briefly saw the shadow assassin, it appeared to have Stannis’ face.
Since there is already a Jon Snow, Melisandre can’t boink another dude and create a shadow Jon Snow. She can’t boink Jon Snow at present because he’s a stiff, no pun intended.
OK. You’ve got me, 3.5 readers, but consider this:
A) Just because Melisandre pushed a shadow assassin out of her enchanted cooter that turned out to be the product of a Stannis/Melisandre boink session does not mean that she does not have the ability to summon a soul and pop it out of her magic vagina. We just haven’t seen her do it yet.
B) What comes back may not be Jon Snow. The Red Woman is a world class seductress and therefore can convince 99.9 percent of men to boink her. Ergo, she might boink some other dude, any other dude, maybe one of the Knight’s Watch dudes she’s holed up with (probably not Ser Davos as he’s too honorable to boink evil witches so he’s in that .1 percent with Jon Snow).
So she and some dude will boink and then she will become pregnant with another shadow assassin that looks like some other dude and then she will order the shadow assassin to enter Jon Snow’s body because…
…STAY WITH ME…
She wants Jon Snow bad. Like really bad. So bad. Like he’s the only man she’s ever really, really wanted and it pains her so much that he said no and so now that he’s dead this is her opportunity to put a shadow assassin into Jon’s body and essentially turn Jon Snow’s reanimated corpse into her possessed love slave.
If the shadow assassin is in Jon Snow’s body, does that technically mean Melisandre is boinking her shadow assassin son?
Yes, but to her it will be a substitute for boinking an alive Jon Snow. She’s the Red Woman. Evil witches don’t give a shit about morality and shit. She wants Jon Snow anyway she can get him.
And then when they aren’t boinking he will be her unwitting slave puppet because she can make the shadow assassin inside of him do her evil bidding. She can cast spells and shit and order Evil Puppet Jon Snow to murder her enemies and shit. They will be unstoppable.
IN SUMMATION
A) This would be the ultimate fake out. Make us think she’s sacrificing her life in a selfless act by giving Jon Snow her necklace…only to turn him into her unwitting man servant sex slave through the use of shadow assassin evil vagina magic.
B) There is a possibility that she might just bring Jon Snow back as himself and maybe he’ll be so grateful that he’ll boink her but knowing Melisandre, the shadow assassin slave theory is more likely.
C) Either way, if I am right, I really deserve a cash prize or at least lunch with George RR Martin or something.
D) Melisandre give up her life to save someone else? Bitch please! She is going to hang onto that necklace with a kung-fu death grip.
Thank you 3.5 readers. Tell me if you think my theory is sound. Share it with your friends. And let’s watch next week to see if I’m right.
150 Hits Yesterday for this Blog
Hey Nerds,
The Bookshelf Battle Blog got 150 hits yesterday. I rarely break 100 so that’s awesome and it was largely because of my Melisandre post. A lot of people are searching the Interwebs for information about Melisandre’s necklace, what will she do for Jon Snow, has she ever been seen without the necklace, etc.
“Kim Kardashian’s boobs?” Sorry. That’s just straight up pandering the search engine optimization and unlike the user of “free penis enlargement pills” I won’t stand at attention for that nonsense, thank you very much.
Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be Cersei
Hipster Cersei
Hey dude.
Look, I don’t want to cause any trouble but if you ask me your girlfriend and her brother seem just a little bit too uh…close, if you catch my drift.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might be Cersei Lannister:
(SPOILERS!)
10. She keeps it in the family…and we’re not talking about money. We’re talking about the royal boo-tay.
9. She and her brother always have some excuse to be alone together. And then whenever you walk in on them unannounced, they immediately start buttoning up their clothes and shout, “We weren’t humping!”
Which is odd because if they weren’t humping why would they feel the need to tell you that they weren’t humping?
If you ask me, a brother and sister trying to cover up their illicit humping might actually go out of their way to inform you that they weren’t humping just to cover their tracks.
Confusing, I know, but Cersei is crafty so you have to be on the ball to catch her in the midst of a brother hump.
8. Speaking of craftiness, she is convinced that her life would be a hundred times better if she had been born with a penis. She believes she’s cunning and intelligent and if it weren’t for the lowly status of women in this fantasy realm, she’d be kicking ass and taking names thanks to her penis.
I’m just going to throw it out there. I’ve met a few women who were convinced that but for a penis, they’d be like the rulers of the world and no…I’m sorry. Maybe that was true fifty years ago but a penis just isn’t worth as much as it used to be.
Penis value deflation is a bitch. Talk to your local penile economics expert for more information.
7. And while we are on this subject, she really isn’t as crafty as she thinks she is. She is always plotting schemes and then the schemes always blow up in her face, leaving her in trouble, or in the custody of a religious zealot or some shit.
7. But let’s face it. She’s hot so you put up with a lot of bullshit. You certainly wouldn’t stay in a relationship with a stuck-up conceited brother humper if she were ugly, would you?
You would? You are a better man than I, sir.
6. Besides being a brother humper she’s also a cousin humper. Cousin Lancel? Are you freaking kidding me?
Look, disgusting and immoral as it is, at least Jaime Lannister is the most handsome and skilled knight in the entire realm. You could almost make an argument that Cersei wasn’t able to help herself.
But Lancel? Shit, that girl is a freak who is hung up on getting busy with her relatives and her ass needs to get to a medieval shrink posthaste.
5. Hey, I’m all for women’s rights and female empowerment. But Cersei is one of those chicks who’s all like, “Women’s rights! Whatever a man can do I can do better!” and then the second the shit hits the fan she looks to her father to bail her out with his money and then humps her brother and/or cousin if her brother isn’t available.
4. She’s kind of like the worst friend in your group. Every group of friends has the worst friend. She’s the one that everyone hates and no one wants to invite to shit but you keep doing it because she’s been around so long that everyone is used to her and oddy enough, even though she’s totally the worst you’d still miss her.
3. Walks the walk of shame like a champ. Hollywood’s ability to superimpose her head on a stunt naked lady is impressive…a real breakthrough in the field of hot chick head splicing on hot chick body technology. Real advanced CGI stuff.
2. Your kids look nothing like you…but they all bear a striking resemblance to…her brother!
- Like a dummy, you pull a Ned Stark and tell her you’re going to expose her brother humpery. Bad move. Off with your head. (What, too soon?)
Melisandre’s Necklace
Hey 3.5 Readers.
Preach on, Sir Davos.
OK before we begin…this post is dark and full of spoilers.
SPOILERS! The whole show will be ruined so if you haven’t seen it or last night’s episode yet, read no further.
OK. Are the hardcore nerds who are up to date with their watching here?
Cool. Now we can talk without those wannabe nerds bothering us.
“Waah I didn’t get to watch Game of Thrones because I was busy out having a life waaah.”
Anyway, so there was a big Red Woman reveal last night. We learned that the necklace she always wears is really magical and when she takes it off, she’s not really a hot chick but in fact is a hideous old hag crone who is losing her hair and has big ole floppy knockers.
Look that just happens. It may not have even been the necklace. Sometimes you’re in da club. The lights are down low. You meet a chick who looks like a fly ass hunnie only to get her back to your crib and under the lights she is a hideous crone.
But ok. It was the necklace.
And the Interwebs are blowing up with nerd protest.
Carice van Houten, the actress who plays Melisandre, has been sporting her Dutch oven on this show for years now, getting naked to seduce Stannis, using her evil vagina to egg him on in his quest for the Iron Throne, tricking Gendry into letting his guard down so she could stab him and take his royal blood, birthing smokey shadow assassins out of her enchanted cooter and so on.
Bottomline this chick has been naked on the show a lot and nerds have been taking this as an excuse to go back and rewatch clips of naked Melisandre to catch her without the necklace on yet still looking hot.
I’m not going to post a photo of a naked witch on this site because I have standards. Yes, I’m writing a zombie western novel filled with swears and violence but I have to draw the line somewhere and I draw it at posting photos of naked Dutch women and their Double Dutches.
Maybe that’s why they call it the Netherlands, because women are always showing off their nether regions.
Amsterdam it, I’m all out of Dutch nudity puns.
Yes. Yes it is. And as you can see, she’s wearing the anti-hag necklace here, but if you Google “Melisandre naked” you’ll see photos of her sans-necklace, still looking hot, in the tub before she killed Gendry, for example.
Note I have never performed such a Google search and frankly you should not either. I am ashamed of you for even thinking about it. Weirdo.
Is this a case where we are all nerds who should just shut up?
Be quiet you nerds…this is a minor insignificant detail. And if you really need an explanation then uh…she was lying in magic anti-hag bathwater.
Eh. We nerds like things to be right is the problem.
The show runners had a big challenge. Bring back Jon Snow with the Red Woman’s help.
Yet, people on the Red Woman’s side have been dying around her all the time and she’s never used magic to help them.
So it couldn’t be something she could do over and over…it had to be something she could only do once.
Hence, a magic necklace that can cheat death. The Red Woman has been using it to cheat death for a long time and is much older than we thought, and so enthralled is she with Jon Snow that I theorize she’ll put her death cheating necklace on him so that he may live, thus making the ultimate sacrifice as she will then eventually die from her elderly crone-ism.
And then alas, we fans will never again see Melisandre assassinate someone with the dark magic of her evil vagina, unless it is in our dreams and/or nightmares, depending on your opinion of witches with dark vagina magic.
Are we big nerds for debating this? Or is it just a minor detail that we have to let go?
Could they have come up with something else? Maybe a ring that makes her young, something she had all the time but we never noticed.
And holy shit if this is where the show is going then Jon Snow will have to wear a lady’s choker for the rest of his days.
He has the looks to pull it off but still…
NOTE: I didn’t make these memes and don’t claim ownership of them obviously. I just assume when they are floating around the Internet amongst fans then it is cool to use them.
Note that is an assumption though and I can’t tell you if it is ok for you to use them.
Game of Thrones – Season 6 – Episode 1 – “The Red Woman”
Hey 3.5 nerds.
BQB here.
Game of Thrones is back!
Beware. This post is dark and full of SPOILERS.
So at the end of last season, Dany was in the custody of evil Dothraki.
Tyrion was left to watch over Mereen.
Myrcella was murdered by the scheming Elena Sand.
Cersei had been put through the butt naked walk of shame.
Jon Snow had been murdered by the Night’s Watch.
Sansa and Reek had escaped.
Arya had been blinded.
And that’s about it.
So many cliffhangers. And I applaud the show because they began tying up all of them.
We still aren’t totally sure if Jon Snow is going to remain dead but we did learn that Melisandre looks a lot, lot different without her necklace on.
In fact, it dawns on me that necklace might be helping her cheat death and uh…maybe she’ll let Jon have it?
Just a theory. We’ll find out.
Anyway, what did you think about tonight’s episode, 3.5 readers?
Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be Melisandre
Lady Melisandre.
The Red Woman.
Skillfully played by Carice van Houten, the Red Woman may be Stannis’ other woman but let’s face it…she’s the only woman if she has anything to say about it.
From the home office in BQB HQ and just in time for the Season 6 Premiere of Game of Thrones, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be Melisandre:
10. She’s very supportive of your work and career goals…to the point that she’s willing to push a shadow assassin out of her vagina to murder your enemies.
Hey. Be disgusted all you want but that’s true commitment right there. My entire life I’ve never even been able to get a woman to make a damn sandwich for me, let alone push a shadow assassin out of her vagina to use in the assassination of my enemies.
9. Cares enough about you that she’s always warning you that everything is “dark and full of terrors.”
- The night is dark and full of terrors.
- Your closet is dark and full of terrors.
- Don’t get a popsicle because the freezer and dark and full of terrors…and popsicles.
8. May or may not be able to bring your dead friends to life as we may or may not find out in Season 6. (Warning: if she does bring your deceased friend back to life, it is because she wants to bang him.)
7. Doesn’t always have the best advice. Burn your daughter at the stake. Sacrifice your illegitimate nephew. None of it ever really gets you anywhere.
6. She’s kind of a religious fanatic, almost to the point where you can picture her knocking on your door while you’re in the shower and you come out in your bathrobe and have to listen to her, “Have you accepted the Lord of Light as your personal savior?” routine.
5. Redheads = feisty in the boudoir. It is also a scientific fact that they are crazy. Studies show that craziness turns hair red.
4. Doesn’t want any baby mama drama. Doesn’t even go after you for child support for the shadow assassin she pushed out of her magic snootch to dispatch your enemies.
3. She is literally a character that pushed out a shadow assassin out of her magic snootch which means, if you are a writer, you need to stop doubting yourself because as long as your idea is as equally farfetched as “woman pushes shadow assassin out of her magic snootch” then the worst that can happen to your book is that it is turned into a highly profitable HBO series.
2. Isn’t really about tying you down. Willing to give you the magic snootch without any promises that you will dump your crazy wife for her.
- Could possibly be a fraud who just throws chemicals into fires in order to give the illusion of magical power. Then again, she did push a shadow assassin out of her magic snootch so, she’s definitely studied a magic book or two.
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