Sad times at BQB HQ, 3.5.
Video Game Rack Fighter and I just had a big fight. Terrible. Awful. I heard new swear words I had to look up in a dictionary.
I mean, I don’t want to cast blame but it was totally her fault. I think it is ok to say that in a blog post because only 3.5 people read this blog.
Any ideas on how to make up with a woman who is mad at you? Until then, I guess I’m sleeping in the Bookshelf Battle Basement with Bookshelf Q. Battledog and the Yeti.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Oh joyous Yuletide. This is the time of year for couples to take a moment to let each other know how they truly feel about one another.
But men, no matter how loudly your girlfriend may shout her lack of interest in material possessions, if you leave a junky gift under her tree on Christmas Eve, then your tree will be incredibly lonely in the new year.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Gifts You Shouldn’t Buy Your Girlfriend for Christmas:
#10 – Blender, Mixer, Iron, Washing Machine, Other Household Appliances
Hmm. A dilly of a pickle here. If she’s actually expressed an interest in a particular appliance, then go for it but only, ONLY if you also get her something else awesome in addition to said appliance.
EXAMPLE:
YES:
WOMAN: I love to bake! Baking is my life! I wish I had an electric mixer so I could make more cookies!
MAN: Here’s a mixer…
WOMAN: I hate you!
MAN: And a pair of ridiculously expensive earrings!
WOMAN: I don’t hate you as much now!
NO:
WOMAN: I never bake. What the hell is this mixer for? Are you trying to imply I should be a subservient kitchen slave, that my only purpose in life is to bake cookies to shove into your hideous, misogynistic caveman suckhole?!
MAN: Um, it was shiny and on sale?
WOMAN: Sleep on the floor forever!
Remember, in either case, and especially in the latter case, the household appliance should not be THE ONLY gift.
Come to think of it, even in the case where she REALLY wants that mixer (i.e. cooking/baking is her life and she keeps Rachel Ray on her DVR), you might want to wait until January just in case. Make it look like you were just being thoughtful and it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Actually, you know what, just get her a bag of diamonds and a pony and a tiara and then if she really wants you to get her a household appliance of any kind, tell her that she’s going to have to submit that request in the form of a signed, notarized in triplicate letter. Two impartial witnesses of upstanding moral character will also be required to confirm in a video that she asked for a household appliance.
#9 – That Damn Tub of Three Flavored Popcorn
It’s the ultimate gift you get when you get invited to a party held by someone you sort of like, but don’t really.
You know, I’m talking about that guy who you’re like, “Eh I’ve known him a long time so I don’t want to skip his Christmas party but if he gets hit by a bus tomorrow I’m not taking a day off for his funeral.”
Stores put these addictive snack canisters right out front over the holidays because they’re cheap and allow you to say that you cared enough to bring something to the party.
And yes, you did bring something to the party…THE GODDAMN HARBINGER OF THE EBOLA VIRUS!
People love popcorn. Especially the cheese corn. Or the caramel corn. Or maybe you’re a buttery traditionalist. Either way, by the end of that party, a minimum of five hundred and ninety seven hands are going to be shoved deep inside the bowels of that tub.
Statistically speaking, it will be highly unlikely that any of those hands will be washed, thus that three flavored tub of popcorn with Santa’s face on it will turn into a petri dish filled to the brim with bacteria, germs and contagion.
Bottomline – you don’t want to bring this tub to your worst enemy’s home, let alone your girlfriend’s humble abode. Also, since those tubs usually don’t cost more than five bucks if that, your babe is going to think you are a big time cheapskate (as soon as she’s done being treated for popcorn induced Ebola virus).
#8 – Gift Cards
Yeah, I get it. You realized this is all just one big giant mind game, so you flipped over the board, scattered the pieces all over the room and decided not to play anymore.
“Here babe. I pay just enough attention to know what your favorite stores are but not enough to know what you’d want.”
Essentially, this is borderline treating your gal like a prostitute. “Here’s a down payment on another year’s worth of nookie.”
I’ll just throw it out there though. If you are confident that the gift you actually put time and effort into selecting will pass muster, than tossing in a gift card might sweeten the pot enough that she might (I stress might) forgive you if the actual gift you got turns out to be all wrong.
(SPOILER ALERT: Your gift will no doubt be wrong no matter what).
At any rate, like that mixer you got your baker girlfriend, a gift card can’t be the only gift.
#7 – Perfume
This is a real roll of the dice. If she’s always raving about a fancy perfume, you might get her a bottle…but know how your girlfriend’s mind works (I know, that’s like asking a man to know how the atom is split or how the universe came into being, but give it your best guess).
Imagine yourself giving your girlfriend the perfume. If you honestly can’t imagine her taking this gift as a sign that you think she stinks like a back alley dumpster, then go ahead and get her that trendy bottle of Eau du Ooo la la.
Otherwise, you might want to just skip out on this one.
#6 – Fitness Equipment
Exercise bikes. Treadmills. Weights. Elliptical machines. Even if she is a fitness nut and a professional athlete, she’ll beat you within an inch of your life if she comes downstairs to find a gift shaped like a paper wrapped stationary bike under the tree.
Seriously dude. You might as well just hand her a card that reads, “I think you are a big fatty fat fatty so lose some weight or my magnificent junk and I are taking our business elsewhere, fatty.”
MEN: But BQB, she actually asked me for an exercise bike. She feels this would help her with her regular fitness routine. She’s even made a point of printing out information about her top bike choices for my perusal.
And I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you for a song, you big league sucker!
Do not buy your girlfriend fitness equipment, even with a signed, notarized in triplicate request letter, and even if she holds a gun to your head unless you want to be dumped like yesterday’s trash.
MEN: But BQB, if I don’t get her the exercise bike she asked for, she complain about it on Christmas.
“Honey, this diamond encrusted necklace is lovely but you forgot my exercise bike.”
Yes, she might hit you with that, but in that case, just tell her that you are an idiotic dumb ass man and all the various bells and whistles on the bikes were much too confusing so you got her a diamond encrusted necklace instead but you plan to take her to the bike store at her convenience so she can select her favorite one.
Why will you take this approach? Because you’ll never win with fitness equipment, even with specifically asked for fitness equipment, but you also won’t win by pointing out that she’d be mad about getting fitness equipment because (follow me here) in the moment when she does not get fitness equipment, she doesn’t realize she’d be mad if she got it. She would only actually get mad if she got it. Since she didn’t get it, she just assumes you are a buffoon that didn’t listen to her.
You’re not getting out of this without some kind of black mark on your boyfriend record, but trust me, “buffoon” is better than the beating you’ll take after all her girlfriends work her up when they have a cry-in session and burn effigies of you while they take turns cursing your name and your decision to buy her fitness equipment for Christmas.
But if she doesn’t bring it up, you don’t bring it up. (Just throwing it out there. That’s good advice on literally everything that will ever happen throughout your entire relationship).
#5 – Framed Photos of the Two of You
Adorable and says you really love the idea of the two of you together, but it can’t be the only gift. If you decide to get this as one of many gifts in order to show you’re a romantic or something, be sure to pick a photo of her that she likes. She must have said no less than three times that she likes the photo in question before having it printed and framed.
#4 – Electronic Equipment of Any Kind
Women don’t give a shit about giant TVs and HD TVs and HDMI cables and Xboxes and so on. (Well, my Video Game Rack Fighter does but she’s a rarity).
She will instantly see this for what it is…a gift for you.
Speaking of…
#3 – Gifts That Are Really For You
Yes, it would be awesome to be the proud owner of an ATV or a jet ski or one of those frigging jet packs that you can take to a lake and user water to fly, but if you see yourself using it more than she will, then it is a gift for you and she will see through this.
Lingerie will also be considered a gift for you. Unless she’s a Cinemax actress (that joke worked better in the 1990s) she probably doesn’t walk around in lingerie all day or think that putting on a skimpy outfit that involves 900 straps and snaps is particularly comfortable and/or a benefit to her wardrobe.
#2 – Animals
Personally, I’ve noticed a lot of women like animals. Cats. Dogs. I’ve met a lot of women who are really into enormous, two-hundred pound dogs and whenever I meet such women I want to dress up like Dr. Freud and sit them down on my couch and get them to admit that they are really into enormous dogs because they see gigantic dogs as obedient men they can love and punish at will and on their own timetable.
Hmm. That theory actually deserves a post on its own. At any rate, don’t get your woman a pet.
First, maybe she doesn’t like pets. If you give a person who doesn’t like pets a pet, they’re going to think, “Well, why don’t you just take a giant dump on every square inch of my home and save me the trouble.”
I mean, if she really, really, really wants a pet then you could get her a pet but again, you’re going to need the notarized request letter. Otherwise, when the pet inevitably turns out to be a crazed, psychopathic furniture humping rug pooping nightmare beast, she will go on and on about “your brilliant idea” to buy a pet and all those times when she made googly eyes at that proverbial puppy in the window will be long forgotten.
In either case, whether she’s a pet lover or a pet hater, whether the pet was her idea or yours, you will be the asshole walking that furry little pooping machine at 3 a.m. in the middle of a rain storm so…just keep that shit in mind before you get that pet.
#1 – Jewelry, Flowers, or Anything, Really
You’d think jewelry or anything traditionally girly would be a safe bet but even this will most likely be frowned upon. It might be your safest bet, but she’ll just view you as lacking imagination.
Come to think of it, that brings me to…
BONUS SECTION: THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN WIN
Yup. There’s no way to win here.
Men are simple, logical creatures. Want to make us happy? Bake us a cookie and touch our disgusting nether regions once in a blue moon and we’ll be happy.
Sure, some of us like to rant and rave about how if only our current girlfriends weren’t holding us back, we could be with women who would bake us cookies and touch our disgusting nether regions 24/7 but literally only ten men in the entire world are handsome and/or wealthy and/or intelligent enough to actually make that shit happen in real life.
The rest of us have just given in to the grim reality that if we take enough abuse for long enough, our women might let us get a pity boob honk in once per presidential administration.
THE AVERAGE MALE EXPERIENCE:
1996: Bill Clinton – “I feel your pain.”
HUSBAND: Can we uh…
WIFE: (ROLLS EYES): Ugh, I guess so.
2000 – George W. Bush – “Strategery!”
HUSBAND: Think it might be time to uh…
WIFE: Ugh, just get it over with.
2004: George W. Bush – “Mission Accomplished!”
HUSBAND: Babe, isn’t it time to…
WIFE: Yeah, yeah just keep the light on so I can read my book.
2008: Barack Obama – “Hope and Change.”
HUSBAND: I hope to change that uh…
WIFE: Yeah, whatever.
2012: Barack Obama – “Look, here’s the deal.”
HUSBAND: Look, here’s my…
WIFE: Ugh!
2016: Donald J. Trump – “Grab her by the…”
HUSBAND: What say I grab that…
WIFE: You’ve grabbed enough for twenty years, pervert!
At any rate, women are mysterious. They have no idea what they want but they feel you should. You can’t get them nothing. You have to get them something.
But just keep in mind that whatever you get will be wrong.
Get her a house? The shutters are the wrong color.
Get her a car? She wanted a different one.
Get her an island? She wanted an archipelago.
Damn women and their love of archipelagoes.
The point is that if you at least avoid the obvious pitfalls like fitness equipment, kitchen equipment and tubs of popcorn, then you have a small (very small) chance of preventing Christmas from turning into World War III.
Just do what I do every year. I just lie down under the tree and curl myself up into the fetal position and when Video Game Rack Fighter comes downstairs, I throw my wallet at her and shout, “Please! Please! Just get yourself something and free my mind from this virtual hell!”
It totally works…to an extent. Like I said, perfection is impossible and therefore should not be your goal. Just try to do as little damage to your ability to get your disgusting nether regions touched once every four years.
Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!
3.5 readers, do you have any ideas on what to get a woman for Christmas? Discuss in the comments.
Hey 3.5 readers.
A real noodle scratcher for you.
Do you think that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?
Allow me to submit the rare counterargument to this tired old cliche:
No.
I know. You’re all like, “But BQB you can remember the good times!”
Yeah, but our human minds and spirits are weak and we inevitably question ourselves over and over again on what we could have done differently in order to have not lost our love.
That’s torture the psyche just doesn’t need. Thus, all those late nights spent wondering what you could have done to have made your ex happy aren’t worth all of those memories of holding hands and going on long walks on the beach with your ex. If anything, those memories make you feel worse.
Ergo, I posit to you 3.5 readers that…
…it is better to have never loved than to have loved and lost.
Argh! Oh no! BQB went against the grain!
Yup. That’s me. Fight the power, baby.
What say you, 3.5?
(Special thanks to the Yeti for letting me out of my cage long enough to write this).
Hey 3.5 readers.
I’ve seen three movies this week.
I know. I have no life.
But here’s what I noticed:
The Accountant – Ben Affleck and Anna Kendrick – not sure of the age difference, Anna is in her thirties and Ben’s in his forties so I’ll guess maybe ten years or so.
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back – Cobie Smulders is in her thirties. Tom Cruise is in his fifties.
Inferno – Tom Cruise is sixty and Felicity Jones is in her early thirties.
Older men. Younger women.
I’ll say from the outset, in all three of these movies, the men and the women don’t boink.
Oh sorry. SPOILER ALERT- they don’t boink. Sorry, I ruined it if you were hoping they’d boink.
There’s some minor flirting between Cobie and Tom, a suggestion maybe they’d hook up in a relationship if their lives weren’t so chaotic.
Ben’s character is autistic and troubled and probably wouldn’t know what to do with a woman though he finds some happiness just from talking to and opening up to Anna’s character.
Robert Langdon and Dr. Sienna Brooks have nothing more than a professional relationship. He’s a professor in trouble and she’s a doctor who decides to save him. There’s no love interest and SPOILER ALERT Langdon pines, in a first for Hollywood, for a woman his own age.
But its something I noticed just because it happened in three movies in a row. Maybe its something. Maybe its nothing.
These movies probably aren’t even good subjects for the conversation since the men and the women only work together.
But it led me to a question – does art imitate life? Does life imitate art?
I’m speaking generally here but here’s my understanding of men and women:
Am I right? Am I wrong?
I don’t know.
I could be reading too much into it.
Much of it also involves the plot.
For example (just assume SPOILERS for all three movies and don’t read on if you don’t want them spoiled) in the Accountant, Anna plays a junior accountant who finds a discrepancy in the books that leads to a major conspiracy being uncovered.
So in that case, Ben as the more experienced accountant (and professional assassin in his spare time) has to help the younger accountant out of the jam she finds herself in.
OK. It fits the plot.
And then in Jack Reacher you have a female Navy Major Turner who’s been through some shit and the ex-military policeman Jack who has been through some shit and if you don’t factor in their ages and consider that Tom is better preserved that most fifty year olds so perhaps he’s playing a younger character…yeah ok, the idea of those two ending up together isn’t that out of the ordinary.
And as previously mentioned, Langdon, like Hanks, is, well its rude to say old but older and Dr. Sienna is younger but the idea of a romance is never broached so I suppose if you start making rules then you could never have a movie where an older and a younger person team up against evil.
I have no idea where I’m going with this other than I wonder if I’m right or wrong – do women prefer old men who are successful and are willing to over look their saggy, wrinkly balls as long as they are loaded?
Do men prefer attractive women as long as they…nah I’m not going to finish that question we know the answer.
But I’d again reiterate I don’t think there’s a plethora of women out there who prefer ugly men and I should know because I am super ugly and I don’t think that I’d suddenly get a lot of babes if I were to become super rich and super successful because the women wouldn’t be able to get over my ugliness.
Oh and also Video Game Rack Fighter has sunk her hooks into me and she is a keeper as she ignores my ugliness and lack of success.
Discuss, 3.5 readers.
In case you missed it, 3.5 readers, or in case you are worried that your girlfriend might be a zombie.
Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Zombie
Oh, who am I kidding?
If you’re reading this blog you don’t have a girlfriend (Womp womp womp womp waaa).
With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian
Zombies. Romance.
Romance. Zombies.
Is it possible for romance to blossom amidst a zombie apocalypse?
BQB talked to Rachel Higginson last year about this very topic.
Check out that interview here.
And don’t forget to check out Rachel’s Love and Decay series on Amazon.
Witches.
Oh those sexy practitioners of the dark arts.
Halloween is just around the corner, so if you’re looking to score a hot date with a fine ass witch, you best school yourself on these witch pickup lines, player:
#10 – “Bubble bubble, toil and trouble, damn girl, you make my heart burn and my pants bubble.”
PRO: It’s classy and Shakespearean.
CON: She might think you’re saying that she gives you heart burn as in acid reflux and not as in her setting your heart ablaze with passion.
#9 – “Hey baby, wanna ride my broomstick?”
PRO: Direct and to the point.
CON: This is a rather uncouth line and thus will only work on the most promiscuous witches with low morals. Sure, they’ll rock your world but beware witch STDs. There’s no spell to get rid of that.
Not that I’d know.
No, I haven’t been scratching myself for the past three hours straight. Mind your business.
Also, she might get confused and tell you that she already owns a broomstick that provides her with adequate transportation, but thank you just the same.
#8 – “Wanna see my eye of newt?”
PRO: Again, little time wasted.
CON: She’ll be expecting an actual eyeball that you yanked off of a damn newt. Is your love life really worth blinding a lizard? I think not.
FYI – Don’t use “eye of newt” as a euphemism for your junk. Whatever your pull out is going into her boiling pot.
#7 – “You cast a spell on me.”
PRO: Maybe she’ll think you’re clever and charming.
CON: She might also take it as a challenge and turn you into a damn toad. Ribbit, ribbit. Enjoy those flies, bitch.
#6 – “That is the sexiest pointy hat with a damn belt buckle I have ever seen.”
PRO: She’ll appreciate that you realize she’s been practicing witchcraft since colonial times.
CON: She’s going to keep wearing that hat no matter what and the point is going to flop around all over the place while you two dance the horizontal cha cha.
Then again, some freaks are into that sort of thing.
#5 – “I’m keen on the green.”
PRO: You’ll make her realize that her being the color of grass, broccoli and Kermit doesn’t matter to you.
CON: Whatever part of you that touches her will turn green, so uh…you know, keep that in mind if you’re cheating on your vampire girlfriend with a witch.
#4 – “Damn baby, I gots to make my magic wand disappear.”
PRO: She’ll be glad you share her interest in magic.
CON: She may be turned off by the double entendre and use her power to uh…actually make it disappear.
#3 – “Witch betta have my money.”
PRO: She might be a Rihanna fan and appreciate the reference.
CON: You basically just called her a witch hooker, which may or may not be true but still, discretion dude.
#2 – “Move, witch! Get out the way!”
PRO: She might be a Ludacris fan and appreciate the reference.
CON: She might get out of your way, then never come back.
#1 – “Which witch is which?”
PRO: Good to use on a group of witches. May lead to a witch threesome.
CON: They might just politely answer your question by telling you the names of each witch in the group and then dismiss you.
Do you have a good pickup line to use on a witch?
Share it in the comments.
At times like these, Abby needed princesses.
She opened her desk drawer and found her collection of animated princess films, all produced by Carruthers Brothers Amalgamated Studios, the parent company of Wombat World.
Abby thumbed through the plastic DVD cases. There was Princesses Forever, The Happy Princess, Princesses vs. Unicorns, Sally Sloane: Undercover Princess, Princess Force, Princess Power, The Puppy Princess, The Princess of Vamagaroon and Princess Party, just to name a few.
The Princess and the Witch was Abby’s personal favorite. She took the disc out of the case, popped it into her computer, and put on her headphones. The library was still using those big oversized ones from the 1980s.
An instrumental number played over the credits as an old fashioned 1930s era announcer read them allowed.
“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the Carruthers Brothers are proud to present, The Princess and the Witch, now in fabulous technicolor!”
The opening scene featured a bright eyed blonde princess in a pink dress brushing her hair in front of a mirror. She looked rather sullen and spoke in a Marilyn Monroe-esque baby doll voice.
“Oh, I’ve been ever so lonely ever since that nasty old witch locked me away in this tower! Perhaps if I sing loud enough my friends will come visit me.”
The princess stood up, walked over to a window and began to sing. “Tra la la la la, tra la la la la! Animals of the forest, how I miss you!”
With that, a flock of adorable chirping blue jays flew through the window, carrying Chester Chimp and Ferdinand Ferret with them.
Chester Chimp wore a yellow plaid coat and an orange bow tie, but no pants. Ferdinand wore a pair of trousers over the bottom half of his elongated body, but no shirt.
“Lord have mercy,” Chester Chimp said. “Princess Paulina, did that dirty old witch lock you up again?”
“She sure did Chester,” Paulina said. “What ever will I do now?”
“Probably just sit here until you rot,” Ferdinand said. “Everyone knows that dames are useless.”
Abby frowned but then she remembered this was a 1930s film and powered through it.
“Perhaps if you call upon your fairy wombat,” Chester said.
“My fairy wombat?” Princess Paulina asked. “What’s that?”
“He’s not a what,” Chester said. “He’s a ‘who.’ Everyone has one and yours will help you.”
“Well,” Princess Paulina said. “How do I call him?”
Chester pulled a violin out of his pocket, which made no sense, seeing as how his pockets weren’t big enough to hold a violin. He then broke out into a musical number.
“If you’re face has a frown, and you’re feeling down, call your fairy wombat…”
“My fairy wombat?” the princess sang in response.
“Oh if you’re locked up by a witch, who is a big stupid…meany…call your fairy wombat!”
Princess Paulina smiled. “My fairy wombat!”
Ferdinand pulled a flute out of nowhere, tooted it, then joined in. “If you’re down for the count, and your woes are starting to mount, call your fairy wombat!”
Chester brought the diddy home. “If you’re up against the wall, there’s no one better to call than your fairy wombat!”
Poof! A gust of smoke swirled around the center of the room then disappeared to reveal a rather goofy looking character – a chubby little googly eyed fur ball with a set of wings that had been stapled onto his back and a cone shaped hat on his head.
“Did somebody call for a fairy wombat?” the little guy asked.
“I did!” Princess Paulina said as she raised her hand.
“Glad to meet you, princess,” the wombat said. “Willy the Wombat’s my name. Getting folks out of a jam is my game. What can I do you for?”
“A mean old witch has locked me in this tower and I’ll never be able to get out on my own,” the princess said.
“Of course you won’t,” Willy said. “You’re a woman and as we all know, the only thing slower than a woman is a bag of molasses in January.”
Abby winced but kept watching.
“Sister, what you need is a man,” Willy said.
“A man?” Princess Paulina asked.
“A big strong handsome prince to do all the thinking for you on account of your feeble female brain.”
“Ugh,” Abby said.
“A handsome prince?” Princess Paulina asked. “Your really mean it?”
“I really do,” Willy said as he waved his magic wand. “Abracadabra, hocus pocus, hippitty dippitty do, a prince I present to you!”
Poof! Another smoke cloud. This time it disappeared to reveal a handsome prince with an impressive physique and a walnut cracking jaw.
“Did someone call for a prince?” the prince asked.
“Me!” the bubbly princess said. “I did!”
“Princess Paulina,” Willy said. “I present to you, Prince Handsome. He’s a super rich stud muffin who will do all your thinking for you from now on.”
“Oh thank goodness,” the princess said. “I so hate to think.”
“Princess,” Prince Handsome said. “You are by far the most beautiful princess in all the land but tell me, why are you so sad?”
“A witch has locked me in this tower and I can’t figure out how to escape,” Princess Paulina said.
The prince walked to the door, turned the knob, and sure enough, it opened.
“Now why didn’t I think to do that?” Princess Paulina asked.
“Because you’re a woman!” Chester declared.
All the characters grabbed their bellies and laughed and laughed and laughed.
“Hoo wee!” Willy said. “Broads sure are dumb.”
Abby turned the movie off, ejected the disc, and put it back in its case.
“They really need to update this.”
Abby’s cell phone buzzed. She looked at the screen. It simply read, “My Prince.” It was a pet name she’d listed husband down as in her phone contacts during happier days.
“Scott?”
“‘Sup babe.”
Abby felt her heart flutter. Scott had moved out a year ago. They kept in touch once in awhile over stuff involving the kids but Abby hadn’t heard from him in a month.
“Not much,” Abby said. “What uh…what’s up with you?”
“Nothing,” Scott said. “You good?”
“Me?” Abby asked. “Oh yeah. Real good.”
“Kids?” Scott asked.
“They’re good,” Abby said. “They’re looking forward to Wombat World.”
There was a long pause.
“Oh I forgot about that.”
“Yeah,” Abby said. “Umm…you know…”
“What?” Scott asked.
“I mean we planned this trip so long ago and your park pass is non-refundable so if you wanted…”
“Ahh no,” Scott said. “Can’t, babe.”
“OK,” Abby said.
“Still need my ‘me’ time, you know?” Scott said.
Abby sighed. “I know.”
“Cool,” Scott said. “What’s up with this orthodontist bill you sent me?”
“Oh,” Abby said. “You said you were going to help with the kids.”
“Five hundred bucks?” Scott said. “Shit, I could just go at Paige’s teeth with a pair of pliers and a wrench for free.”
“That’s….not really that funny,” Abby said.
“Yeah,” Scott said. “Well, I don’t know babe but I can’t help you with this. I’m broke.”
“You’re broke?” Abby asked.
“Yup,” Scott said.
“That’s funny because Dylan said when you picked him up and took him out for the day two months ago you were driving a fancy new sports car…”
Long pause.
“Abs, you’re really harshing my mellow…”
“I’m sorry,” Abby said, reflexively.
“Every time you get like this I feel like I need more ‘me’ time, you know?”
“I know.”
“You can’t really expect me to find myself while you’re always nagging me, can you?” Scott asked.
“I suppose not,” Abby said.
“Cool,” Scott said. “OK babe. I gotta run.”
“Scott,” Abby said.
“Yeah?”
“Do you think you’ll be finding yourself anytime soon?” Abby asked.
“I don’t know, babe,” Scott replied. “Its a whole process. Later.”
Click.
Abby went into her contacts and changed Scott’s pet name from “My Prince” to “Assface.”
“My prince my ass,” she said.
Night fell and a weary Odysseus strolled through the halls of the Spartan palace until he reached Penny’s door.
Though typically decisive in combat, the adventurer stood there for awhile, his hand trembling as he contemplated whether or not to enter.
Finally, Penny made it easy for him.
“Are you going to stand out there all night?” came Penny’s voice from inside the room.
Odysseus swung the door open. He swallowed hard when he saw the woman he loved in her nightgown, her long hair flowing down over her shoulders.
“How did you know it was me?” Odysseus asked.
“Any other pervert would have skulked about in front of Helen’s door,” Penny answered.
Odysseus smiled. “Perhaps you speak of perverts with poor taste.”
Penny ran her hands down the length of her curves. “Perhaps you are a pervert who has let all this go to waste.”
The bountiful brunette sat down on the edge of her bed, picked up a brush and ran it through her hair. The adventurer set his torch down in a sconce attached to the wall and took a seat next to the lady.
“How scandalous,” Penny said.
“What?” Odysseus asked.
“A man and a woman who aren’t married in the same bed together at this time of night,” Penny said.
“Are we not childhood friends?” Odysseus asked.
“Those days are long over, friend,” Penny said.
The pair sat in silence for awhile as Odysseus searched for the right words, or at the very least, any words.
“I still love you,” Odysseus said.
Penny sighed. “Yes. Oh how loved I feel by a dumb ass who ran away and never contacted me again.”
“Adventure called, Penny,” Odysseus said. “All those monsters weren’t going to slay themselves.”
Penny stopped brushing. She reached a hand out and cupped it against Odysseus’s cheek. He leaned into it, as if doing so nourished him. The couple stared into each other’s eyes.
“I never asked you to stop adventuring,” Penny said. “All I have ever asked is that you come back to me when your adventures are done.”
Penny leaned in and kissed Odysseus. Together, they fell back on the bed, engaged in a sultry, slobbery lip lock until Penny sat up.
“Blast!” Odysseus cried. “What in the name of Apollo’s arrow have I done to be punished with the bluest of balls?”
“You broke my heart,” Penny responded, matter-of-factly.
“Oh,” Odysseus said. “Right.”
The adventurer stood up, then fell to his knees. In a most pathetic display, he grabbed the lady’s hand and resorted to groveling.
“Dearest Penelope,” Odysseus said. “Tell me how to make this right.”
Penny’s face scrunched up to one side as she tapped her finger on her right cheek. “Hmmm…”
“What?” Odysseus asked. “What is it?”
“You and I had some great conversations in the past, haven’t we?” Penny asked.
“Of course,” Odysseus said.
“But I don’t know,” Penny said. “Ever since your jaw dropped ten feet when you saw me at the dock I think you’d say anything just to get your hands on my…”
“It is truly a majestic badonka donk, my sweet,” Odysseus said. “’Tis as if Aphrodite molded two pressed hams out of clay herself and attached them to your backside just so that you could bring joy to the hearts of men through the very sight of your…”
Penny frowned. “Ugh. I was just joking but now its obvious you just love me for my ass, you pig.”
Odysseus recoiled. “Whaaaat? Noooooo…”
The brunette took her hand back and pouted.
“My dear your ass could be as flat as the surface of the earth and I would still adore you,” Odysseus said.
“Yeah,” Penny said. “Right.”
Odysseus’s took back his love’s hand. “Tell me how to prove it to you.”
“I don’t know,” Penny said.
“Anything,” Odysseus said.
“Anything?” Penny asked.
“Anything at all,” Odysseus answered. “Why, I’d strangle the Kraken with his own tentacles, gauge out the eyes of a thousand cyclopses..or, wait is it ‘cyclopses’ or ‘cyclopti?’”
“‘Cyclopses,’” Penny said as she wiped away a tear. “Read a book, dumb ass.”
“Whatever,” Odysseus said. “I’d blind a thousand of them. I’d challenge the minotaur to a fist fight. I’d steal Icarus’s wings and fly even closer to the sun than that lightweight ever did. I’d sail to the ends of the earth and back again. I’d climb to the top of Mount Olympus and…”
“Marry me,” Penny said.
Odysseus recoiled once again. “Whaaaat???”
Penny burst into tears.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Odysseus said.
Penny buried her face into her hands and cried. Odysseus sat down next to her and put his hand on her shoulder only to have it pushed away.
“Just fuck off, Odysseus!”
“Babe,” Odysseus said. “Can we just, you know, dial this down a notch? Is the art of dialog dead now? Can we talk about this?”
“No,” Penny said. “I’m not some whore, Odysseus.”
“I know…”
“You should be thrilled by the idea,” Penny said.
“I…I am…its just…I had no idea this is what you wanted.”
Penny wiped away her tears and returned to Odysseus’s arms. “It makes sense, doesn’t it?”
“Yes,” Odysseus replied.
“We love the same things,” Penny said.
“You’re the only other person I know that I’d share my love of pegasuses with,” Odysseus said. “Or is it pegasi?”
“It’s just ‘Pegasus,’ asshat!” Penny said as she playfully hammer punched Odysseus in the shoulder. “There’s only one of them.”
“And I need him,” Odysseus said.
“We need him!” Penny said.
“We need to fly away together on a horse with its own damn wings,” Odysseus said.
Penny smiled. “And we hate the same things.”
“Oh, fuck centaurs!” Odysseus said. “Remember that time we met one?”
“Oh my gods,” Penny said. “And he was all like, ‘Look at me! I have a man’s torso and a horse’s ass. I’m so special!’”
“I still can’t believe there are people who find centaurs attractive,” Odysseus.
“Fucking centaur fuckers!” Penny said.
“Fucking centaur fuckers,” Odysseus repeated.
“We compliment each other in every conceivable way,” Penny said.
“And you have an ass that could feed a family of five,” Odysseus said.
Penny slinked back. “I thought you said that wasn’t what you were after?”
“It isn’t,” Odysseus said. “But uh…you know…if its there…”
“Pervert,” Penny said.
“Penny,” Odysseus said. “Maybe we should just…”
Penny put one finger up against Odysseus’ lips to shut him up. “No. If you love me then you’ll ask my uncle for my hand…
“But Penny,” Odysseus interrupted.
“…and I swear to you, Odysseus, Champion of Ithaca, if you sail away from Sparta without me you can forget about ever speaking to me again and…”
The brunette stood up, turned around, and gave one of her two astounding ass cheeks a good, hard slap. Odysseus was thoroughly shocked, not to mention aroused.
“…you can forget about ever getting your hands on all of this.”
“By the trident of Poseidon, woman!” Odysseus said. “You drive a hard bargain.”
“I’m worth it, aren’t I?” Penny asked.
Odysseus gulped. “You are.”
Penny picked up her brush, ran it through her hands a few times, then dropped it.
“Whoopsie,” Penny said. “I’m such a klutz.”
“Bahh!” Odysseus said. “Why do you torture me?!”
“What?” Penny asked innocently.
Odysseus drooled and stared as his love bent over to pick up her brush. Oh how full that moon was.
“That’s enough visiting for one night,” Penny said as she grabbed Odysseus’s hand.
“But…but…but…”
“That’s right,” Penny said as she pushed Odysseus out the door. “No butt for you until our wedding night.”
“But…but…but…”
Slam!
Penny’s door was now closed and Odysseus just stood there like an imbecile, trying to figure out what had just happened.
“Women,” the adventurer said.
Hey 3.5 readers.
So, how the heck I find myself writing this story?
It all happened really fast.
Tuesday, I was perusing some books when I came across a novel set during the time of Ancient Greece about Helen of Troy falling in love with a warrior.
I didn’t read it but I started to become curious about Good Ole Hotpants Helen.
I’d seen movies and/or read about her before. The most prominent movie I can remember is 2004’s Troy.
So I looked up some information about her. I found some scholarly articles written about her, how she was born, how she was kidnapped or possibly fell in love with another dude and was taken or went voluntarily to Troy, depending on whose side you believe, thus resulting in the ten year long Trojan War.
Apparently, I’m an old hat at this now because as I began reading, I started writing jokes in my head:
Now, here’s the thing.
I have put way too much work into my Zombie Western books.
So I absolutely will not abandon them at this point.
An idea for a funny book about Helen of Troy, told through modern language, popped into my head.
Wednesday night I wrote two chapters then went to bed.
Thursday morning I woke up, read what I wrote, and I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I peed my pants laughing.
That’s big for me because I am always very harsh on my own writing. But laughter is honest. Laughter never lies. As I read those two chapters, I couldn’t stop laughing.
I’m going to get back to Zombie Western and see that through. My feeling is that maybe once a week I’ll write a chapter of Helen of Troy just to see if I can keep it going.
The story of the Trojan War is long, detailed and has like ten zillion characters. It would be a challenge to keep the comedy going throughout. Not sure I can do it but the first couple chapters have led me to believe it is worth a try.
But at any rate I won’t be quitting Zombie Western as I have put way too much work into that to hang it up now.
And what I have learned is no matter how tired you get, how busy you get, you do need to keep coming back to the story you are writing again, and again, and again because if you go away from it for too long then you’ll never come back.
So fear not. Zombie Western will continue. Not sure about the future of Helen of Troy yet but if it continues to be this funny I don’t think I can stop. But I think I have the discipline now to keep coming back to write two stories at once.
The key is that you keep coming back. Like anything difficult in life, if you keep coming back to work on it, it will eventually get done. Maybe not as soon as you’d like but it does get done.
Tell me what you think and be honest, 3.5 readers.
The story of Helen of Troy, told through modern language. Yay or nay?
Bookshelf Battle 