Previously on Ask the Alien:
Alien artifacts and diseases!
Pixels!
And now Ask the Alien continues…
Greetings Earth Losers. The greatest and most humble mind of the universe, here to answer your questions and save you all from your own incompetence.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: AJ! It’s a real humdinger of a week here on Bookshelf Battle! We have three, count ’em, a whopping 3 questions for you!
ALIEN JONES: Holy Farzing Shazbo. Have you been bribing winos off the street again?
BQB: No! They’re people! Actual real people!
The first question this week comes from Mei-Mei of jedibyknight.com who asks:
“Lord Alien, love your house sigil/motto. Can you tell us about one of your distinguished ancestors of House Jones? Or one of the crazy ones, either way.”
Gadzooks. That stupid sigil. Who knew when I signed up to be a guest contributor for this blog I’d be required to participate in promotions, such as this Ren Faire disaster nonsense that Bookshelf Q. Battler will have going on until June.
BQB: I actually do it all year round. I only display it prominently for GOT from April-June.
ALIEN JONES: You probably don’t want to admit that.
Anyway, I’m not privy to “Lord BQB’s” final draft, but I’m sure I’m the only Alien who makes an appearance in :::shudder::: “Game of Yetis.”
In the real world, a place that BQB should consider visiting once in awhile, aliens of my planet are cloned in a government lab and assigned a designation number. Some of my favorite family members?
Cousin 1012049AZ1 – Ah good old Cousin 1012049AZ1. Many a day we spent scanning for signs of intelligent life in the cosmos. We’re still scanning.
Uncle 3XC5056089 – If I felt emotions, I imagine I’d be brimming with pride over the exploits of good old Uncle 3X. Took down a Maloklaxon freighter with nothing but a wad of chewing gum, a paper clip, three boxes of what you call baking soda, a pair of ladies’ pantyhose (don’t ask me how he got them) and some twine. He’s been on the Maloklaxon Most Wanted List ever since but that’s ok, because between you and me, the Maloklaxons are considered the a-holes of the universe.
Great Grandpa 19191919RFT – The black sheep of the family. Only cured three diseases and developed two inventions. Talk about an underachiever. Bleh.
Thank you for your question, Mei-Mei.
NEXT QUESTION!
ALIEN JONES: Who’s this guy?
BQB: He’s Sci-Fi Gary! Everybody knows Sci-Fi Gary!
ALIEN JONES: Scanning memory banks. Ahh…yes! Of course Sci-Fi Gary!
As an all-knowing Alien, I was born with an inner-knowledge of every book ever written, as well as those yet to be written. I even know about all those half-written manuscripts you all can’t finish because you’re too busy watching Mad Men.
BQB: You know I’ve invested eight years of my life in that show and it looks like Don’s going to marry a random waitress in the end?
ALIEN JONES: It’s Dexter all over again!
Back to Gary. I took a peak at Amazon Author page for Gary Alan Ruse, which features many of his novels originally published in the 1970’s and 1980’s.
I’ll have you know that Bookshelf Q. Battler was a big fan of 1980’s sci-fi. He used to watch that movie where Tom Selleck shot the robo-spiders on a continuous loop as a kid.
BQB: Runaway
ALIEN JONES: I would if I could but my agent says I’m locked into writing this damn column forever.
Anyway, I highly advise that you check out Gary’s stuff. My faves:
- Morlac – The Quest of the Green Magician
- The Gods of Cerus Major
- Aggie and Agent X – the cover features an alien in a trench coat who bears a striking resemblance to my old college roommate
- Houndstooth – a secret project in which a chip is put into a dog’s brain
BQB: Alien Jones, can you put a chip into Bookshelf Q. Battledog’s brain to keep him from using Bookshelf Battle Headquarters as his personal toilet?
ALIEN JONES: I could but it would turn him rabid.
BQB: Nothing new. Hey, on a serious note, isn’t it great that authors who have had publishing success in the past have been able to use sites like Amazon to sell books to a whole new generation?
ALIEN JONES: Indeed. Thank you for your question, Gary. Continue spreading your tales of intergalactic daring-do. The comments and reviews on your books tell me you’re a respected author who has built a loyal following.
NEXT QUESTION!
ALIEN JONES: Zounds. A third question? I demand a raise.
BQB: OK. I’ll double the nothing I pay you now.
Kai Delmas of the blog, “Of Orcs and Men” writes:
“I write a story blog about a war between orcs and humans. It’s called “Of Orcs and Men”. I thought AJ could help promote it and while he’s at it, with his infinite wisdom, he could answer some questions about orcs that I was wondering about.”
Ah yes. Of Orcs and Men. The first draft of Steinbeck’s classic tale of two hulking beastly creatures who roam about the Californian countryside, looking for work and getting into trouble due to Lenny the Orc’s dimwittery. Steinbeck didn’t think it worked with both characters being big, dumb and stupid so he rewrote it as “Of Mice and Men” with both characters as humans and George being smaller and smarter.
1. Are there orcs or other fantastical creatures on other planets in the universe?
Yes. We enjoy fantasy just as humans do. On my planet, there is a show called Game of Brains. It imagines a fantasy planet Earth, where the humans have them. They never watch reality television, people are only famous if they achieve something, and stuffed crust pizza is banned. You can your cheese on the pizza but in the crust? Insanity!
I admit, there are some far-fetched plots on that show. Here’s an except from last week’s show:
PETE: Say Fred, we each practice a different religion, but let’s not start a war over it, ok?
FRED: That’s a very sensible idea, Pete. No need for people to die just because I pray to one man in the sky and you pray to another.
PETE: Capital idea, Fred! Another notion – let’s have an election where both sides provide their thoughts and points of view on various issues and leave it up to the people to decide without a constant need to paint one side or the other as a bunch of vile, baby’s candy stealing, puppy kicking lowlives?
FRED: That makes sense, Pete. At the end of the day, we all want we believe is best for the world. We can voice our opinions, but there’s no need to be monsters over it.
Ahh…good old Game of Brains. The highest rated fantasy comedy on my home planet.
2. If yes, are they smarter than us primitive earthlings?
Until we locate another planet where the inhabitants wear pajama pants to public shopping centers, I’m sorry to say that Earth wears the dunce cap of the cosmos.
3. Who does he think would win such a war between orcs and men? (Medieval times)
Men. And hobbits. And dwarves. And elves. J.R.R. Tolkien was trying to tell you all the truth about your planet’s early history. All of his books were actually written as documentaries.
Thanks and have a wonderful stay on our planet. It’s not much, but we’re doing the best we can with our limited cerebral resources. 😉
Appreciated. Earth? I rarely visit that dump. I do most of my blogging from my ship. Once in awhile I will visit Bookshelf Q. Battler’s compound to watch Scandal.
Aliens love Scandal.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.
Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.
Hardassimo (“Uncle Hardass”) J. Scrambler (The Ghost of BQB’s Deceased Uncle, Husband of Aunt Gertie, Ex-Employee of…THE SALT MINES!) – Good! Serves that poor excuse of a nephew of mine right! He’d still be cooking with gas if he’d gotten a job at the SALT MINES like I told him to.
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