Tag Archives: self publishing

365 Days. 1 Nerd. Results of the One Post a Day Challenge – 2015 Complete

SECURE INTERGALACTIC TRANSMISSION

TO: The Mighty Potentate

FROM: Alien Jones, the Esteemed Brainy One

RE: Results of Bookshelf Q. Battler’s One Post a Day for a Year Challenge – 2015

DATE: Jan. 1, 2016

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

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Alien Jones tallies BQB’s 2015 stats.

Your lowly servant, Alien Jones here to report on the results of Bookshelf Q. Battler’s One Post a Day Challenge.  As you recall, Your Potentosity, you have identified BQB as “The Chosen One,” the only Earth writer capable of putting out a book that will convince the humans to abandon the reality television programming that you despise with such magnanimous enthusiasm.

HOW IT BEGAN

BQB only intended to write very brief posts for the purpose of drawing some attention to his blog. However, he quickly became hooked on seeing his stats improve and spent the year focusing on his blog instead of his languishing career as a novelist.

Further, BQB made daily postings on social media. He had Twitter at the beginning of the year. He got onto Google Plus early in the year. He had been on Facebook but finally began pushing harder on it in the Fall.

WHAT DID BQB DO?

  1. Posted 1 or more (and often, more) posts on his blog daily. Did not miss a day.
  2. Posted daily on Twitter from the beginning of the year.
  3. Posted daily on Google Plus when he started it (his pitiful human brain doesn’t remember when that started but believes it was early in the year.)
  4. Became more active on Facebook, by the end of the year he started posting there daily. Also, he spent a bit of his human money to buy some Facebook ads.
  5. Joined and became active on Wattpad, posting stories and offering comments on other writers’ works.

BQB’S BEGINNING STATS

BQB, ever unsure of himself, blogged every day in January, 2015 just to see if he could do it. He then announced Feb 1. that he’d see this through to the end of the year.

WHAT BQB SAID ABOUT HIS STATS FEB 1:

“At the time of this writing, I’m averaging 35-40 site visitors per day. I believe this is due to daily postings.

I’m also seeing an increase in blog followers. I had 400 at the start of the year, and about 450 now.

I had 2000 twitter followers at the start of the year, I’m at around 2500 now.”

 STAT COMPARISON A YEAR LATER

WORDPRESS

FOLLOWERS

JAN 1, 2015 – Approx. 400

JAN 1, 2016 – 1,520

INCREASE of 1,120 approx.

2014 vs. 2015

BQB began this blog in 2014, but did not blog daily. In fact, he often let a lot of time pass between posts.

2014 Stats

VIEWS – 4,658

VISITORS – 3,623

LIKES – 895

COMMENTS – 227

2015 Stats

VIEWS – 28,103 (Up approx 24,000)

VISITORS – 14,880 (Up approx 11,000)

LIKES – 7,836 (Up approx 6,000)

COMMENTS – 2000 (Up approx 1800)

TWITTER

JAN 1, 2015 – 2,000 followers (approx)

JAN 1, 2016 – 7,168

GOOGLE PLUS

2014 – BQB didn’t have it.  He started in 2015.

Jan 1, 2016 – 858 followers

FACEBOOK

Likes were barely existent starting 2015. BQB experimented with buying some Facebook ads in the Fall. Currently, the Bookshelf Battle Facebook Page has 169 likes and the Pop Culture Mysteries Facebook Page has 107 likes.

SOCIAL MEDIA OBSERVATIONS – IS SOCIAL MEDIA WORTH IT?

Human writers often debate whether social media is worth their time. Some praise it as a free marketing tool. Others complain it takes time away from their actual writing.

For all of the social media activity BQB engaged in…

TWITTER – brought 527 views total to BQB’s blog this year.

FACEBOOK – brought 368 views total.

GOOGLE PLUS – 270

 Thus, it is clear that having more followers on social media does not mean they will all visit your website. However, BQB feels his social media efforts did help to raise awareness of his blog and to make contacts with other writers, such as the fine authors who helped him out of the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse in October.

OTHER OBSERVATIONS 

SEARCH ENGINES – gave BQB 6,898 views. It pays to write a lot. The more content you have on your site, the more likely people will visit your site through a search engine.

WORDPRESS READER – 1,156 – The more wordpress followers you have, the more people will seeing your blog in their wordpress reader.

DAILY VIEWS – BQB found that for the most part, his efforts attracted somewhere between 30-50 visitors (more or less). Occasionally, it would push 100, a few times over 100, but never over 200.

To BQB’s credit, his view rate is high, meaning that there are a number of visitors coming to the site, liking what they see, and giving it a few more views.

OVERALL – WAS THE ONE POST A DAY CHALLENGE WORTH IT?

Yes. The Chosen One has gone from dabbling in a blog to building a platform.

BQB has a tendency to doubt himself, but will keep up with something if he sees progress and there was definite progress this year.

THE FUTURE

As a pitiful human, BQB can’t do everything, so in 2016 he will have to divert his attention to his novel writing career. However, the time he spent building this site’s readership will likely payoff one day…some day.

Somehow no matter what happens, BQB only reports having 3.5 readers though. That is likely to continue.

MY RECOMMENDATION 

Spare the Earthlings, Mighty Potentate. BQB is doing his best to write a novel and build a writing career. He will do his best to convince the pitiful humans to stop watching reality television and read books instead.

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENATE!

Alien Jones, out.

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Bookshelf Battle 2015 in Review

What was your favorite post/moment/happening on the Bookshelf Battle Blog in 2015, oh noble 3.5 readers?

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The Best Story I Have

Hello 3.5 Readers,

My stories are my children so I am loathe to refer to one of them as “my best” or “my favorite.”

Since I actively started blogging in 2014 (in the hopes doing so would inspire a career as a novelist) the ideas have been flowing into my head non-stop. Many of them are ideas I’ve had for years. Others brand new.

The sad part is I’m not sure there will be enough time for me to ever tell you all of them. Thus, picking which story to work on the most, or rather, which “kid” to put on display (I guess I’m an obnoxious pageant mother if we’re keeping up with this analogy) depends on a gut feeling of a) what I feel I will be able to produce given the limits on my free time and b) what the audience might enjoy.

So while I’m loathe to say one of my “story kids” is better than the other, let’s just say I have, for a long, long time now, been working on a story whose artwork really, really deserves a plum spot on the old fridge.

But…out of all my story ideas, it’s the most complex.  I don’t really want to get into the details but there’s a lot of moving parts.

I’ve tried various drafts.  It’s very complicated. There are a lot of characters and a lot is going on. There’s trickery and intrigue. It’s not all that funny like my usual stuff is but it is an idea that’ll make you think.

And honestly, it is also bizarre and unusual, so the general public might have some different thoughts about it.  Some of you might think it’s brilliant. Others may read it and think I need to be on meds.

I actually don’t think its an idea that could have been pursued a decade or two ago, what with changing social norms and all.

But…it’s so complicated that after various drafts I just told myself maybe this idea has to wait until I’m a better writer, or at least until I figure out how to approach it better.

Time does indeed help.  Sometimes you can hit a wall with a story, put it away, and after awhile, it dawns on you how to leap over that wall in a way that banging your head against that wall would have never achieved.

After attempting a number of drafts and finally, after giving my brain that simmer time, my gut tells me the story is so complicated that it can really only be told through a series of at least 7 novels.

That’s 7 novels with sort of “story arc” of their own that build upon one another until the climax in the 7th.

That’s a lot for a guy who’s never published one novel.  So ultimately, that’s why I pursued other projects.

Currently, I’m working on Pop Culture Mysteries.  That’s also my kid.

Sticking with the kid analogy, Pop Culture Mysteries is a good boy.  He does his homework and helps with the dishes and wears a clean shirt on picture day.

The other idea, also my kid, is like an emo goth kid that I have to listen to all of his problems and though I have no clue how to help him, try to do so anyway.

But enough of the analogies.

I guess my whole point with this post is that writing has made me aware more than ever about how little time I have left in the grand scheme of things.

I work.  In my spare time, I tend to life’s necessities. I have others I have to help. Then if I get an hour a day to write I’m lucky.

Thus, 1 book a year is possible…2 a year is the only way I’ll get anywhere but I’m not sure its possible.

I got sick over Christmas and stayed in bed for 2 days, binge watching TV. It’s the first time I’d done anything like that all year.  Normally, I go to work, do all the other stuff I need to do, then write.

I woke up so rested Sunday that it made me realize perhaps, just health wise, I do need to stop and goof off more.  But I hate to.  Because then that’s even less writing time.

I know.  This post made no sense.

In an attempt to make it make sense, let me say that if you folks dig my first couple of books i.e. Pop Culture Mysteries then at some point I might be motivated to wrack my brains on a very complicated, flow chart requiring mind bending 7 novel series.

That only 3.5 people will read.

 

 

 

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Merry Christmas 3.5 Readers!

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Bookshelf Q. Battler and Video Game Rack Fighter, East Randomtown’s Nerdiest Power Couple Wishing You a Merry Christmas!

Dearest 3.5 Readers,

A quick note to say thank you, for you, my darling 3.5 readers, are the wind beneath my wings, the hot fudge on my sundae, the dip on my chips and the reason I keep writing.

As I reach the home stretch of the One Post a Day for a Year Challenge, I realize I’ve learned a lot about blogging, self-publishing, social media, building a fan base and so on.

What I’ve noticed is that unlike other activities, blogging…very slowly but surely…does yield results.  Bookshelfbattle.com did better in 2015 than it did in 2014 and here’s hoping things just keep improving with every passing year.

Tell your friends so I can have 7 readers in 2016 and 14 readers in 2017.  Let’s double everything every year!

It hasn’t been an easy year, what with attacks from the Yeti, Dr. Hugo Von Science choosing a dark path and the zombie apocalypse that decimated my hometown but amidst it all, you fine 3.5 readers have been there for me.

Thank you 3.5 readers.  Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Happy Whatever Holidays You Celebrate.

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Pop Culture Mysteries – Season One Ranked #795 on Wattpad

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Take a knee, 3.5 readers, for I have some joyous news to share.

Pop Culture Mysteries – Season One is currently ranked #795 is Mystery/Thriller on Wattpad.

I know! It’s the first time I’ve been ranked on any kind of list, and that includes all of those field day participation ribbons I racked up in elementary school.

You have questions, don’t you?

WHAT IS WATTPAD? 

It’s a great site where writers can publish and share their stories.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?

To gain a following. To share ideas. To get feedback. For me, it has helped me get over that little voice that whispers “you’re not good enough!” in my ear. When people start sharing positive comments, that voice starts to pipe down. I highly recommend it.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE RANKED #795?

Fame. Fortune. Hot babes throwing themselves at me. (Video Game Rack Fighter is too busy playing Car Thief Mayhem to care.)

No. None of these things. It basically means of all the Mystery/Thriller stories on Wattpad, I’m in the top 1,000.

That was a big boost that I needed. As we head into the new year, there’s been a voice in my head nagging me that I’m wasting my time with this and I needed something like this to happen.

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Aunt Gertie’s going to tell all the gals at the old folks’ home about this!

HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

I’m not sure. If you know how the Wattpad rankings work, please let me know. I’ve been making an effort to comment/share feedback on others’s stories lately, I started a new site for the “Pop Culture Mysteries” –  popculturemysteries.com, a Facebook page  and so on.

I’ve been posting the story in rough draft form on this site, Bookshelf Battle, since June and have been sharing PCM stories on Wattpad for awhile.

BUT – what really surprised me is that this particularly version “Pop Culture Mysteries – Season One” has only been up since the beginning of December. So to get into the top grand people really began taking notice, however it happened.

WHAT’S GOING ON WITH SEASON ONE?

My writing process:

  • I’ve written some posts on this blog. I am writing others in a word document.
  • I’m revising them, polishing them, and posting them in Season One on Wattpad.
  • Eventually, these posts will reach their final home on popculturemysteries.com, which should be “officially” up and running by April 1.
  • Right now, I’m wrapping up a revised edition of “Enter the Blonde” in which Jake and Delilah meet for the first time and negotiate the infamous “Pop Culture Mystery Contract.”

HOW CAN WE HELP YOU, BQB?

An excellent question. Frankly, it’s about time you asked it. The first thought you should have when you wake up in the morning should be, “What can I do to help Bookshelf Q. Battler’s writing career?”

I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing this for Earth. The Mighty Potentate has threatened to conquer our planet if I don’t get myself established as a noteworthy scribe soon.

My hope is to sustain and even surpass this rank. I’d like to move up higher on the charts.

If you’re on Wattpad, please consider following me – @bookshelfbattle and voting for/commenting on “Pop Culture Mysteries – Season One.”

Let me know what’s working and what isn’t. All kidding aside, this is a fun, unique story told in a very distinct hardboiled voice, and I think people are slowly but surely starting to recognize it.

I just need to get my butt in gear to keep them coming back for more.

If you’re not a Wattpadder, become one! Sign up, share some stories, trade ideas with other writers. Maybe this will be your big break. A number of writing careers have been successfully launched thanks to Wattpad.

THANKS 3.5 READERS

You are all appreciated. I couldn’t have done this without you. By the way, do you realize if each of you would just tell one friend about my efforts, I’d end up with 7 whole readers?

So many readers.  Must have more readers…

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BQB’s Future Game Plan

My previous post aside, here is where my mind is at the moment:1371251154

SEASON ONE OF POP CULTURE MYSTERIES – A series of posted stories on popculturemysteries.com in which Jake Dashing, a private investigator who fell asleep for sixty years, adjusts to modern life. Begrudgingly, he’ll search for answers to BQB’s pop culture questions and share mysteries from his past and present.

By the end of Season One, Jake’s past will catch up to him in the form of an “item” or “items” he acquired during a mission he went on in World War II in which he <WAIT FOR IT> punched Adolf Hitler in the face.

Someone wants that item/items. A bad someone. And he’ll be willing to wreak havoc on Jake’s new modern life and the people he cares about to get it.

And that someone does not like that Jake has been talking online about how he punched Hitler in the face, even if BQB’s blogs only have 3.5 readers.

That’s 3.5 too many for this bad guy.

THAT LEADS INTO…

OPERATION FUHRERPUNSCHEN – the first novel I hope to publish set in Jake’s world, detailing how he, you guessed it, punched Adolf Hitler in the face and acquired the item/items so desired by the bad guy in season one.

BOOKSHELF BATTLE CROSSOVER – Yup. If you’re into it, you’ll have to read both blogs. The “bad someone” will infuriate Jake to the point where top secrets be damned and he contracts with Bookshelf Q. Battler to publish Operation Fuhrerpunschen.

There is significant backlash.  Bookshelf Q. Battler, for helping Jake disclose details of the top secret punch Hitler in the face mission, is taken from his beloved BQB Headquarters and thrown into an undisclosed, clandestine government “black site.”

Video Game Rack Fighter will then take the blog over as host for the foreseeable future after that, saddened that her nerdy man is gone but willing to do her part to keep his dream of entertaining 3.5 readers alive.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER NOVEL – At first I thought BQB’s escapes were only something for the blog, but I thought of an idea that is funny enough (with just the right amount of adventure) that it might be worth a full fledged novel.

Long story short, a worldwide crisis occurs…THAT ONLY A NERD CAN SOLVE.  BQB is given the chance to win back his freedom…IF HE SAVES THE WORLD!

UNDISCLOSED OTHER NOVEL – BQB might spend a long ass time in that black site, giving me enough time to write a novel that has nothing to do with BQB or Jake. Did I say I’ll write it? I mean that Video Game Rack Fighter will find a novel that BQB wrote and self-publish it for him…I can only assume because doing so will keep the Mighty Potentate at bay.

The Mighty Potentate won’t be pleased the Chosen One is missing, after all.

THE FUTURE, FUTURE: Notice I haven’t said when any of the above will happen because who the heck knows when I’ll be able to get to all or any of it? A year?  Couple of years? I don’t know. As fast as possible without sacrificing quality or giving myself a stroke basically.

But, if you all dig it and the numbers are there to justify carrying on, I foresee:

MORE JAKE NOVELS: Two more after the Hitler punching mission in which Jake a) has an adventure in Hong Kong and b) has an adventure in Cuba before going back to America. And if you like it, there will be more cases from his past and even some more novel worthy adventures in his present.

MORE BQB NOVELS – If I can think of more BQB novel worthy nonsense. That I’m not sure of.  But possibly.  They will likely require a character to sit the adventure out and host the blog with the claim that BQB can’t blog right now as he is on an adventure.  Maybe the Yeti can take over.

MORE INDEPENDENT NOVELS – That have nothing to do with this nonsense. VGRF keeps finding them in BQB’s sock drawer or something. Who knows?

DESIGN – The books will be written in such a way that you won’t have had to read the blogs to enjoy them. If you enjoy the books, hopefully you’ll dig deeper into the blogs.

And allow me to sell you more stuff so I can get pizzaid.  I didn’t say that. I’m in this for the art.

ANYWAY… I’ve just laid out a possible game plan for the future, what say you, 3.5 readers?  Are you in for this ride or does it all sound incredibly dumb and I should just go pound sand?

 

 

 

 

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Blogging vs. Book Writing

I fully intended to write and self-publish a book this year.

Originally, the one post a day challenge was never meant to be anything more than “at least say hello” once a day to attract more followers.

But then I got into it. Bookshelf Q. Battler was born. His supporting cast was born. Holy crap, there was even a spin off in “Pop Culture Mysteries.”

As the year comes to an end, I’ve gained roughly a thousand new blog followers, over 5000 additional Twitter followers, 800 Google Plus followers, etc.

That’s all great, though few of them actually make the leap to come over and check what’s happening on the blog.

So as rich as BQB’s world has grown, it dawns on me that had I taken the bit of time I used every day to write a blog post and focused it onto a novel, I’d of been able to get a novel published this year.

There’s the rub. There are many who say that getting that book out onto Amazon will do more for you than blogging. Amazon has more power than your blog, after all.

But then there’s another rub. There’s two rubs. Until this becomes a money making endeavor, I’d rather let BQB take all the credit. But that means building up the BQB brand. Giving our nerdy hero a backstory, friends, enemies, building his world, Jake’s world, and letting them cross over on the blogs now and again.

I worry that people don’t like to read fiction on blogs. But my hope is that maybe enough of you will grow to like BQB and Jake enough to want to read their adventures in a book format, whenever I get around to writing and publishing one.

Meanwhile, when that book comes out, I hope people who like it will be interested enough to check out the stuff on my blogs.

QUESTION: Stick with the fictional blogs tying into books idea or scrap it and just focus on writing and publishing 1-2 books a year, with little to no more blogging as that cuts too much into book writing time. My free time is very limited so whatever I do, it needs to count.

 

 

 

 

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Fictional Blogs – What Do You Think?

Ahem.  *clears throat*

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Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog…in a rare moment where he isn’t licking his nose.

Going forward, the gist of “Bookshelf Battle” is this:

It’s a fictional blog chronicling the adventures of Bookshelf Q. Battler, a nerd/blogger/caretaker of a magic bookshelf. He is the proprietor of “The Bookshelf Battle Blog,” a site that caters only to 3.5 readers. No matter how many readers this site actually gets, in “the story” BQB only gets 3.5 readers.

While pursuing his dream of becoming a writer, BQB faces all manner of villains, yetis, a mad scientist, zombies and more.  He’s haunted by his deceased grumpy uncle and his alive aunt runs circles around him with all the debauchery she gets into.

He lives in East Randomtown, a burg filled with all manner of weirdos, degenerates, and losers, several of whom look to BQB as a leader due to the fact that he’s created a WordPress blog with 3.5 readers, which shows how little the citizenry has achieved. Others argue its the late Doug Hauser, who was an extra for 30 seconds in a 1980’s cop drama, or the late Leo McKoy, the man who’s 95 percent sure he delivered a reuben sandwich to James Van Der Beek at the height of his Dawson’s Creek glory.

In short, East Randomtowners have a tendency to crap on BQB only to then call on him whenever disaster strikes, and as one of few citizens with more than two brain cells to rub together, he feels obliged to save the day.

BQB and his girlfriend, Video Game Rack Fighter are a team.  They support one another in their dreams and goals and also in fighting the various crazies that come their way.

To complicate matters, a maniacal alien despot, “The Mighty Potentate” has deemed BQB to be “the Chosen One,” i.e. the writer who will one day publish a book so finely crafted that it will convince Earthlings to abandon reality television, that form of entertainment truly despised by the Potent One, who prefers scripted media.

To that end, the Mighty Potentate’s emissary, Alien Jones, acts as BQB’s trusted advisor, protector, and confidant. Alien Jones views it as a crap assignment, but sucks it up and does the best he can with it, but often feels dejected whenever he catches BQB staring at his navel and eating cookies when he should be writing.

BQB feels tremendous pressure to write and bring hits to his blog, due to the fact that the Mighty Potentate has declared that he’ll conquer Earth if BQB fails to write a glorious novel.

Finally, there’s a spinoff, “Pop Culture Mysteries.” Jake Dashing, a 1950’s private eye who fell asleep for 60 years only to wake up in modern times, has essentially been blackmailed by BQB.

BQB claims to know why Jake took such a long nap and how he can get back to his own time, but he’ll have to solve 100 pop culture mysteries first.  Along the way, Jake will share tales of actual mysteries he solves, from the past and the present.

<GASP> Oh my god that was such a longwinded explanation.

That last paragraph, I hope, is where the desperately needed effort to monetize this whole shebang will come in.

If the “Pop Culture Mysteries” blog takes off, Jake’s first novel will be about how he punched Hitler in the face.  If people like it, there will be more Jake novels in the future.

The Pop Culture Mysteries site can be considered a stand alone from the novels.  They are about Jake’s efforts to solve pop culture questions and to make it in a world much different from the one he’s used to.

The tricky part is the stories on the blog will refer to things that happened, whereas the novels will get into more detail about what happened.

You won’t need to have read the blog or the novels to enjoy the other.

MY HOPE: is that enough people like the Pop Culture Mysteries blog that they’ll continue with Jake’s first novel…even if it’s like a hundred people that might be a worthwhile boost.

MY FEAR: I’m setting myself up to write two novels – one being a “season” of posts on the blog and then a novel.  Should I just write two novels and put ’em up on Amazon?

And also…I love writing and its my passion but I want to do it right, even if that means it takes more time…so potentially I might not get a novel out in 2016.  I hope I do.  It could end up that I focus on Pop Culture Mysteries blog in 2016 and then get the novel out in 2017.

I worry about that because I know getting a novel out there is what I need to move this all forward so…I don’t know.

Advise me 3.5 readers.  Is my fictional blog/novel tie in a good idea or the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard of?

 

 

 

 

 

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Where Can I Find Mystery Writers?

Hello 3.5 Readers,

Can anyone think of some great mystery writers for Jake to interview?  Indie authors usually talk to me the most, but if you can think of some traditional ones that’d be great too.

Hell, if you’ve got a hook up with James Patterson, you’ll become my favorite reader.

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Mystery Writer Interviews

By: Jake Dashing, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private
Investigator

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You’re a writer, a scribe, a wordsmith, but you’re not just any ordinary
Mickey Spillane type either.  Oh no.  Like an bona fide seamstress, you thread your words ever so delicately through the eye of the needle that is your book only to attach it to your readers’ hearts just so you can yank them to and fro, turning them into your own personal puppets.

You sling your work like hash fresh off the grill, serving them straight into the gaping maws of your fans and like a bunch of trained seals, they always slap their fins together and beg for me.

You barely have time as it is but you need to make some, because time flies when you’re having fun but it should always stand still for a man in need.  And as I’ve been instructed to say by a beautiful blonde attorney, that man in none other than one Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Battler’s setting up a new website, see?  “Pop Culture Mysteries” is the name and answering entertainment questions is the game, or rather, it’s my game, as that pencil neck dweeb has concocted a scheme to drive me indefinitely into a life of involuntarily servitude.

But troubles are a dime a dozen, a plug nickel on Sunday, and the last thing you need is to have a bum like me bend your ear with mine.  What you need to know is what Battler wants from you.

He’s got the pop culture part covered.  What he needs now is more mystery and like a door with a bright big red X painted on it, that’s where you come in.

You see, Battler fancies himself a writer only no one has the nerve to tell him that they’ve seen bird cage liners with more flare than the schlock this palooka churns out.

He wants to learn some tips to improve his writing skills (I know, you’re good but you’re no miracle worker) and he wants to catch the twinkling eyes of mystery fans the world over and bring them to his site, so to cut a longwinded gab session in half, he wants me to interview you.

And I’ll do it in my typical hardboiled noir style.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, SPECIFICALLY?

I’ll write the questions.  You write your answers.  I’ll turn it into Battler and he’ll slap it up on the Interwhatever, see?

IS THERE ANY COMPENSATION?

Are you kidding?  Someone check my leg because I think it’s being pulled.

Battler’s such a lousy cheap skate that you wouldn’t be able to open up his wallet with a crowbar and a plumber’s helperzx . If you did, a squadron of moths would fly out and dance the hula mid air as a joyous victory celebration of their newfound freedom.

You’d sooner get a rummy to part with his bottle than you’d get Battler to part with a penny and…ok…you get the point.

Battler can send his 3.5 readers your way though.  I put on my green eyeshade, crunched the numbers and realized that means a total of seven new eyeballs on your work.  Maybe one of them wears an eyepatch or something, I don’t know.

CAN BATTLER BE TRUSTED?

Your asking the wrong fella, Jack.  I trust Battler about as far as I can throw him and since he’s insulated himself behind his blonde bombshell of an attorney, I’m not able to toss that lug very far at all.

But that’s between Battler and I.  What I do know is this cat treats writers who help him out like royalty, so take that into consideration.

#31ZombieAuthors – I don’t believe in the supernatural and I think Battler is full of three day old horse manure when it comes to the tall tales on his site, bookshelfbattle.com.  But he did interview #31ZombieAuthors in October 2015, 1 a day for 31 days and it was a rousing success.

Ask the Alien – I don’t think Battler’s telling the truth about being friends with an alien from outer space.  After all, a little green man in search of intelligent life would be bored out of his mind with Battler as a buddy.  Aside from that though, this column has promoted the works of around 20 authors.  Add that to #31ZombieAuthors and we’re talking over 50 satisfied writers.

THE GUARANTEE

As a writer, you make your living on your reputation, so it makes sense that you’d be skeptical about throwing your hat into a ring run by a weirdo who claims to be friends with aliens.

That’s why Battler offers everyone a guarantee.  You don’t like the post of your interview? Let Battler know and it comes down.  No muss.  No fuss. No problem.

50 author promos later and not one has asked for this, but if you do, BQB will yank that interview like he’s starting a boat motor.  Like all of my hopes and dreams, your interview will be gone and that will be that.  No hard feelings, as if there are any other kind.

If you’re interested, let Battler know.  If you’re not, I don’t blame you.  Between you, me and the four walls, that guy is a big loser with about as much charisma as a wet blanket in a tepid pool of water.

So thanks for listening, ya big lug ya and if you’re ever in my neck of the woods, well, I’d say drinks are on me but since i’m broke, they’ll be on you.

Get me something good.  Nothing fruity but otherwise it doesn’t matter as long as it helps me to pass out and stop all the bad memories I have from playing over and over again like a bad gag reel.

It’s been a real gas, kid.

Jake Dashing

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