Tag Archives: television

Pop Culture Mysteries – Open Contracts

By: Jake Dashing, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private Investigator

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Pop culture.  It’s a world that keeps Bookshelf Q. Battler up late at night, his spacious brain filling up with one question after another about movies, music, television, books, and more.

I’m not sure I can relate. When I lose sleep, its because I’m too busy picturing all the Nazis my country demanded that I punch to death with my bare hands. I suppose each generation has its priorities.

Battler’s got info I want and he’s not forking it over until I solve a whole mess of mysteries for him.  But this whack job thinks of questions faster than I can answer them, so here are the mysteries currently up for grabs.

Being a private dick is a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but if you want to try your luck at the sleuthing game, feel free to let Battler know you want to snatch one of these up:

MOVIES

In Star Wars, if the Death Star is supposed to be the size of an actual star, why is everyone able to walk around it and fly around it so quickly?

In Pulp Fiction, Harvey Keitel’s character, “the Wolf” is billed as a highly skilled fixer, one whose knowledge regarding the art of the cover up is so valuable that he simply erase all evidence of a crime, making it as if nothing ever happened….but then all he does is show up and tell Vince and Jules to spray the car down with Windex.  (Seriously, watch the movie.)  Was the Wolf that special?

TELEVISION

Did Tony Soprano live or die at the end of The Sopranos?  Was this a good or bad ending?

Why did the ending of Dexter both suck and blow at the same time?  Or did it?

On Gilligan’s Island, Gilligan and the gang go on, as the theme song says, “a three hour tour.”  How then, was it possible for everyone to become so irretrievably lost when they only strayed a mere three hours away from charted land?

On Married with Children, the running joke was that Al Bundy was disgusted by the idea of getting it on with his wife, Peggy.  Peggy wasn’t that bad looking though, even with her wacky beehive and leopard print attire.  What gives?

On Sons of Anarchy,  Jax Teller embraces a life of crime that provides very little return on investment.  Why is it that a scruffy bum who was lucky enough to win the heart of super hot doctor Tara didn’t just sit back and say, “Well, I’m going to sponge off my hot surgeon wife now, who no doubt makes a high salary because she’s a damn surgeon.  Hell, maybe I’ll even put my focus on turning the auto repair garage my father left into a profitable business.”  But instead, he just keeps making lousy criminal deals and then bumbles his way through them, often losing money on them and inviting a world of hurt.  Seriously, WTF?

MUSIC

Who put the bomp in the bomp sha bomp sha bomp and will this individual strike again?

Who let the dogs out?

What is a “hollaback girl” and why does Gwen Stefani go to great lengths to make sure you know she isn’t one?

To be sure, Sir Mix-a-Lot likes big butts and is unable to lie about this particular subject.  Why then, do the other brothers deny this truth?

VIDEO GAMES

What’s up with the hard sell?  Whenever you buy one they try to make you buy insurance, upgrades, and basically treat you like you’re trying to buy a fully loaded 2016 Toyota Tundra instead of a $60 fantasy experience.  What gives?

COME UP WITH YOUR OWN

That’s all Battler’s got for now but rest assured that loser will keep ’em coming.  That nerd has way too much time on his hands.  And if you’re a nerd with too much time on your hands, feel free to come up with a pop culture mystery of your own and raise it up the flag pole to see if Battler salutes.

For those of you who can’t translate hardboiled noir talk, that means tell him about it in the comments.

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Walking Dead Midseason Finale

I thought it was one of the top Walking Dead episodes I’ve seen thus far.

I do wonder though – if escaping the walkers is as easy as whipping on a zombie guts poncho, why don’t they just always have zombie guts soaked ponchos on standby to throw on in the event of a zombie attack?

What did you think, 3.5 readers?

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Jessica Jones

I’ve seen the first two episodes on Netflix.  Enjoying it so far.  Very noir.  Very cool.  Stylish but also with super heroes.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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SPOILERS!!!This Week’s The Walking Dead

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What did you think of this week’s Walking Dead?

SPOILERS!!!  SPOILERS!!!  SPOILERS!!!

What did you think about Glenn?  I need to cut out the pizza because I couldn’t fit under a dumpster in a zombie apocalypse.

What was up with those balloons?  Why was there a helium tank and green balloons on the side of the road?  Did a wandering clown abandon them?

The wall is down!  Is it me or do Rick and the gang screw up wherever they go?

I have a theory that someone else will die.  Our emotions were toyed with vis a vis Glenn for too long for it all to be wrapped up that neatly.

Will they save Alexandria?  Is it done for?

Theory: Abraham saves the day by blowing all the zombies sky high with his newly found rocket launcher.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Game of Thrones – Jon Snow Poster Released – Is He Alive?

The North remembers, 3.5 readers!

HBO just released this poster to promote the next season of Game of Thrones.

Thus, it’s confirmed Jon Snow will obviously, somehow, feature heavily in the next season.  Will it be because he’s alive?  Will it be because he’s dead and there will be ensuing consequences?

And is it just me, or does Jon’s nose look bigger?  Maybe its just the juxtaposition of the blood.  I don’t know.  I’m not a photo designer.  I was just wondering if that could mean anything or am I off base on that?

All Hail the Lord Commander!

john-snow

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This Season of The Walking Dead

Hey nerds,

I haven’t had a chance to write about it and my old pal Zombie Trump has been busy, but I just wanted to ask what everyone thinks about this season.  I think its turning out to be one of the better ones so far.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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#31ZombieAuthors – Day 22 Interview – Ryan Casey – Zombies and TV Style Serialization

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FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon          Website        Twitter

By: Special Guest Interviewer, Alien Jones

Attention all humans. Today’s guest is Ryan Casey, author of the critically acclaimed zombie apocalypse series, Dead Days. Zombie fans will also enjoy Infection Z and mystery buffs should check out the Brian McDone Mysteries series.

Known for tales filled with dark, page-turning suspense, complex characters and knockout twists, Casey has a BA in English with Creative Writing from the University of Birmingham. A resident of the United Kingdom, he enjoys American serial television and wastes too much time playing football manager games.

Thanks for taking my call, Ryan. I hope you don’t mind being interviewed by an alien. BQB was kind of a wuss about touching a phone covered in intergalactic goo. Go figure.

NOTE: BOLD=Alien Jones; ITALICS=Ryan

Q. Let’s get the important stuff out of the way. Are we talking American football as in the NFL or the game Americans call soccer but the rest of the world calls football?

A. Oh, soccer. Absolutely soccer. I’m a massive sports fan all round though and NFL’s profile is definitely growing in the UK, much like soccer in the US. Football Manager games are the height of addiction, mind. If you want to offer up a portion of your productivity to the gods of procrastination, go ahead and pick up a copy. You’ll absolutely regret it.

510gVdAGSWL._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_Q. Dead Days is the story of a group of survivors in a UK based zombie apocalypse. The description of Season Two of Dead Days states, “the only survivors were those willing to sink to the most brutal depths of humanity in order to further their own existence.”

So I just have to ask, if only the most depraved are able to survive an apocalypse, should we be concerned that a-holes are destined to inherit the Earth?

If I’m being cynical, I’d say yes, that’s a very big concern. Nice guys really do finish last a lot of the time, as I’ve unfortunately discovered through experience on way too many occasions. So if you want to survive an apocalypse, get practicing being a depraved arsehole — fast!

In all seriousness though, I don’t think it’d quite play out like that. I think humanity would struggle, naturally, especially if communications and luxuries of a material world suddenly become irrelevant. I like to think there’d be a lot of room for good, positive movements, too. They just don’t make for quite as good reading.

Q. Piggybacking on that last question, when a zombie apocalypse requires survivors to “sink to the most brutal depths of humanity,” is there anyone left for the reader to root for?

Yes! Absolutely. I love these characters and apparently so too do readers. I think what makes them so relatable — or more specifically, empathetic — is that they all go through shit. They all make bad choices. They all do things in the heat of the moment that stay with them, haunt them.

But the difference between the heroes and the villains of Dead Days? The heroes overcome their demons. They face up to their sins, take responsibility. The villains succumb to their problems. Which, unfortunately, often makes them even more dangerous.

Q.  A lot of people want to write but not as many study writing formally. You studied Creative Writing at the University of Birmingham. Did you find that experience helpful and would you recommend Creative Writing as a major to other aspiring writers?

I found it a helpful experience. There were some good teachers and some fantastic fellow students, for example Stuart Meczes, author of the brilliant HASEA urban fantasy novels. But I’d say it’s all just a part of the wider learning program of being a writer. The learning doesn’t stop when we leave university. The learning continues, constantly.

I believe the only way to keep writing fresh is to consistently push myself. I want the novel I’m working on to be the best novel I’ve ever written… and for the next novel to be even better. I write a lot, but I throw away even more. Seriously, you do not want to see my unfinished novels folder.

Q. You like serialized television and it shows in your writing. In fact, Dead Days is offered to readers in a serialized format, meaning episodes come out at regular intervals to eventually form a seasonal box set. As an author, what inspired you to present your work in this way rather than in one large novel?

Dead Days was an experiment that worked out beautifully. I’m a big fan of serialised television, like you note, and was particularly influenced by this golden age of television we’re living in. Shows like Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, True Detective, The Walking Dead — some truly stellar writing, better than anything the movie industry offers at present, in my humble opinion.

I always thought the serialised form went hand in hand with this generation of shorter-attention spans and constant distractions, but I was disgruntled with how many “serial” projects were actually just novels broken up into parts.

The intention of Dead Days was, and still is, to transform a television experience onto the page, and not just tear a novel to pieces for financial gain.

Q. A number of authors are embracing the serialized TV style format of writing. For aspiring writers out there, are there any advantages to this style? Any disadvantages?

A major advantage is, like I mentioned, how hand-in-hand with the television format it goes. I think in a world of infinite distractions—iPads, smartphones, Netflix, news—the serialised form is a great way to deliver tighter experiences to readers, so they can enjoy the story then get on with other elements of their busy lives.

A disadvantage is that you have to learn TV structure. As I mentioned, far too many writers just jump on the serialised craze and split their novels into chunks because they think it’ll lead to financial riches. That’s not how it works. If you want to write a serial, you have to learn the craft of television writing before you jump into it. You have to learn about episodic arcs, series arcs, all kinds of things like that. To me, it’s not a negative because I like learning and already had some experience in TV writing. But if you don’t like doing the work, it could be a disadvantage.

51pY7O7uCLL._SX311_BO1,204,203,200_ Q. Infection Z is your other zombie apocalypse series. It follows Hayden McCall, a jobless layabout in his mid-twenties. Assuming his landlord has paid him a visit to collect the overdue rent, Hayden learns that his landlord has become zombified and the story begins. Is it a challenge to write an underdog’s way out of a zompoc? Would it have been easier had Hayden been a muscle bound military man/weapons expert? But of course, would Hayden have been as relatable to the average reader?

A. I don’t strictly believe in ‘write what you know,’ but I believe in ‘write what you can empathise with.’ I have more in common with a lazy underdog than a military expert (unfortunately), so I just find it easier to get into the heads of characters like Hayden. Only difference between him and me is he overcomes his demons. I’d be the guy locking himself in the bathroom whimpering until the zombies finally barged their way inside…

Q. Ryan, thanks for taking the time to be interviewed by an alien. Before I go, do you have any last minute words of wisdom that might help my human charges and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

I’d get punching that alien stomach of yours some more. If there’s a space phone in there, who knows what else is hiding within? A space machete? A space rifle? A space CURE?! You’ll only find out by trying.

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Zombie Trump Reviews the Walking Dead – Season 6, Episode 1 – First Time Again

By: Zombie Trump, Special Guest Reviewershutterstock_110983922 copy

Hello 3.5 losers.  Zombie Trump here, doing Bookshelf Q. Battler one hell of a favor by making a special guest appearance on his pitiful excuse for a blog.  Do you know that more people have read the ingredients on the back of those restaurant sugar packets than have read this lousy website?

I’ll tell you, BQB should be puckering up and smooching my rotten, undead derrière because getting me on this site is quite a get indeed.

OK, Battler.  Get ready for the highest stats ever on this crap hole.

THIS IS GOING TO BE HUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGEEE!

So the gang is back and they’re broodier and angrier than ever.

LAST SEASON

Rick and Co. have spent the past five seasons surviving the zombie menace so at this point they’re all like “Look at us!  We know how to live in the dirt and kill zombies and shit!”

Please.  Who cares?  What kind of a job is that going to allow you to acquire in today’s market?

Oh, by the way, I’m supposed to say SPOILERS ahead or else a bunch of you goons will whine I ruined your favorite show.  Look.  There’s no way to ruin this show.  Zombies try to eat people.  People fight back.  Some of the people die occasionally.  Other times they don’t.  There you go.

So Rick’s crew reached Alexandria last season.  Alexandria’s a settlement that has survived since the beginning of the zombie apocalypse, thanks to a local politician and her engineer husband WHO BUILT A WALL to keep out the zombies, thus allowing the survivors behind the wall to live productive, zombie free lives.

Hmmm, I wonder which other zombie candidate in the race for the office of President of All Zombies proposed building a wall?  Walls work, people.  Ask the Chinese.  Have they been invaded by Mongolians lately?  No.  Thanks to the Great Wall.  And Alexandria has been able to keep the zombies out thanks to their wall.

Anyway, rather than congratulate the Alexandrians on their foresight to build an anti-zombie wall, Rick and his hoodlums are all like “Waah waah waah, we fought zombies in the woods and wandered around Georgia for five years, blah blah blah, we know everything.”

Yeah clowns.  Maybe you should have known to BUILD AN ANTI-ZOMBIE WALL.  Stop demanding that others reward you for your own incompetence, losers.

THIS SEASON

This first episode was some kind of half black and white, half color Tarantino style nonsense where they jumped between the past and the future.  I’m not going to lie.  For the first half-hour, I thought my zombie television was on the fritz, but I knew that couldn’t be, because I reside at the luxurious Zombie Trump Taj Mahal, where everything is really classy.

The big problem the group faced is that there was some kind of ridiculous zombie dam that was about to break loose and send the zombies on a big charge towards Alexandria.

Zombies tend to have a herd mentality.  Few are strong, independent forward thinking zombies like myself, who dare to pledge to make the Zombie Nation great again.

Rick’s big plan is to lead these zombies on a zombie parade, manipulating them down a path through sounds and (hey what do you know) WALLS designed to keep the undead from straying.

Wait a minute.  So zombies are that easy to control?  Just put a damn hill billy on a motorcycle and they’ll go anywhere you want them to?  Doesn’t that kind of negate the last five seasons?  Why doesn’t Daryl just lead all the undead off a cliff and save the world already then?

Seems like a big plot hole to this zombie.  But then again, it is a show about people who fight zombies so I suppose you have to suspend disbelief a bit to enjoy it.

Just like how Bookshelf Q. Battler suspends disbelief about how sucktastic his blog is so he can bring himself to keep blogging anyway.

Enjoy your hits running off the rails, Battler.  I’m off to dine on some first class brains at Chez Zombie Trump, the number one eatery in the world for zombies.  It’s so extravagant it makes all other zombie eateries look like the Outback Steakhouse.

Zombie Trump out.

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Network News One Coverage of the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse – EXCLUSIVELY on BQB’s Facebook Page

By: Kurt Manley, Network News One Anchormanshutterstock_193904291 copy

…The Vatican said the Pope had no idea a family of squirrels was living inside his pointy hat, but will not disturb them until they’re ready to move out on their own.

In other news, the eyes of the world are locked to a shocking story coming out of East Randomtown, USA, which has been overrun with zombies since Thursday, Oct. 1.  Network News One, your number one source for news brought to you by hot ass chicks who totally used to be lingerie models before we stuck a microphone in their hands, will be covering the latest developments until this zombie outbreak is resolved.

That’s right, hot ass chick reporters like this one:

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What?  Oh right.  You wanted some photos of the zombie apocalypse.  Here’s one submitted by East Randomtown resident Leo McKoy, local degenerate bum and drunkard:

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Yeesh!  What a gruesome bunch!  I need to check out one of our hot chick reporters again to get that image out of my mind:

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Aww yeah, that’s the stuff.

Viewers, we here at Network News One know you have your choice of 24-hour news stations.

That’s why we’re the only network that features a legion of hot chick reporters ready to fly anywhere in the world to report the latest crap storm that just happened.

Let’s face it, this world is a total shit hole, and if you’re one of those people who can’t keep your eyes off it, then you might as well keep your eyes on a hot chick reporter while the latest story to shake your faith in humanity unfolds.

Now, if you’re one of those caveman troglodytes that doesn’t have a TV, or worse, if your cable provider is one of those asshat companies that doesn’t provide you with access to Network News One, then you can still get access to the latest NN1 stories by liking Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Facebook Page.

Hold on folks, I need to talk to my producer.

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Really, Murray?  A Facebook page for some dumbass who only has 3.5 readers?  That’s the best we could do?  What?  No!  Don’t try to justify this screwup.  Polish your resume, loser, because you’re outta here!

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Sorry about that, viewers.  As I was just telling Murray, we here at Network News One are so proud to be partnering with the Bookshelf Battle Facebook Page to bring you the latest zombie apocalypse news.

Don’t forget, our Network News One reports will ONLY be available on BQB’s Facebook page, so you will have to check it out and give a nerd a like to view these quality pieces of journalism.

Stories we have so far are about the reality television stars who we believe may have been zombified during the crisis, and also how acclaimed teflon underpants inventor Dr. Hugo Von Science is wanted for questioning with regard to this whole mess.

And remember, if you’re one of those damn procrastinators who won’t just click on BQB’s Facebook page today, you can always find it later by typing…

www.facebook.com/bookshelfqbattler

…into your web browser.

Coming up in the next hour block, is your toothpaste giving you herpes?  Put that brush down and sit by your TV until we give you the answer after sports and weather…but first this commercial break.

NETWORK NEWS ONE

THE HOTTEST CHICKS…OH YEAH, AND OCCASIONALLY WE DO SOME JOURNALISM SHIT TOO

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BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 1 (Part 3)

Dr. Hugo Von Science

Dr. Hugo Von Science

“And now, the man of the hour, ladies and gentlemen, give a warm welcome to Dr. Hugo Von Science!”

Everyone flipped out when Dr. Hugo stepped out on stage.  I know I was happy to see him.

As a distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, Dr. Hugo was on the cutting edge of everything scientific.  Everyday, he was coming out with a new invention.

I once had the pleasure of being his student when I attended the Advance Science Institute.  The day my mentor handed me my Advanced Science Degree was one of the happiest days of my life.

Oh, yeah, besides the day I met Video Game Rack Fighter, and I’m not just writing that because she’s one of this blog’s 3.5 readers.

I have to admit, I was honored when Dr. Hugo reached out to me earlier this year to ask if he could write a column on my blog entitled, “You Can’t Argue with Science.”

You really can’t, can you?

Dr. Hugo never went anywhere without his white lab coat and black-out goggles.  He spoke with a thick German accent.

The Mayor turned over the microphone.

“Guten tag, mein leipshin!”

Applause.

“Mayhaps you remember me from mein wunderbar invention, teflon underpants!  Buy one pair and you’ll never need to wash another pair of undies ever again!”

He wasn’t lying.  Teflon underpants was a major breakthrough for the undergarment industry.  I’ve been wearing mine for years with nary a wash and they still smell fabulous.

“And what about the Spolier Stratifier?”

Yes, Dr. Hugo also invented a special device you can wear that picks up on whenever someone is trying to ruin the plot of a TV show you haven’t watched yet and make it sound like they are just yodeling.  Countless marriages have been saved.

“Don’t forget the Beyonce-fier!”

The good doctor saved even more marriages through a special pair of glasses that caused all men to look at their wives as if they were Beyonce.  For the ladies, he issued a pair called “The Tatum-izer.”

“Don’t even get me started on the Super Collider Walnut Cracker!”

Dr. Hugo was the first man to harness the power of the super collider to hurl molecules unfathomable speeds for the sole purpose of cracking walnuts.  It was a great achievement, though not a commercial success, since it was impossible to sell everyone a super collider.

“Undt now, Herrs undt Frauleins, I bring you mein greatest invention yet, the Reality TV Star Transmogrifier!”

I overheard Alien Jones talking to his boss on the phone.

“Yes, Your Potentosity.  I am attending the demonstration now.”

“Mein leipshin, are you tired of your television being overrun with people who are famous for doing absolutely nothing?”

I know I was.  Alien Jones’ boss is so much so that he plans to take over the Earth if my writing career doesn’t motivate the masses to abandon reality tv altogether.

I’m doing my best, but you guys might want to get used to the idea of an alien overlord.

Dr. Hugo opened up a box and retrieved what appeared to be a laser blaster.  It was shiny, bright red and had all kinds of bells and whistles.

“Can we get the reality tv star test subjects up on stage?”

While we were waiting, Dr. Hugo walked up to me.

“BQB mein leipshin!  So nice to see you.”

“You too doctor.  How are things going at Science University?”

“Oh fine, just fine.  Well, there have been rumors that mein invention budget will be slashed in the next fiscal year but who am I to complain?”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Dr. Hugo.”

Despite his mad scientist appearance, Dr. Hugo always presented himself with a kind, courteous demeanor, but occasionally, a dark side poked through.

“As am I,”  Dr. Hugo replied.  “For now I shall have to make them pay.  Nein, the whole world will now have to pay for disregarding mein genius for far too long!  Muah ha…muah ha….MUAH HA HA HA HA HA!!!!”

“Huh?”  I asked.

“Oh nothing, nothing.”

Taken during the two hour sweeps week special episode, "Jenna Does Yardwork."

Taken during the two hour sweeps week special episode, “Jenna Does Yardwork.”

The reality stars took to the stage.  There was Jenna Simone, the super foxy blonde whose main claim to fame was that sheonce slept with an NFL player.  A tape was leaked and based off that one encounter, she built a multi-million dollar empire that included a fashion line, a perfume, and her TV show, Shopping With Jenna.

Cameras follow her around while she buys clothes.  That’s all that happens, yet more people tune in to watch her pick out her next dress than for the president’s state of the union address.

She wore all pink, carried Guillermo, a yippy purse dog that was even smaller than Bookshelf Q. Battledog, and raised up her oversized sunglasses just long enough to make a facial expression that indicated to everyone she was overwhelmingly bored being there.

“Mommy should fire her agent,” Jenna said to Guillermo.  “Yes she should.”

Next up were Bob and Todd Streibchek, a pair of grisly brothers/plumbers from the Bronx who rose to fame with their show, “Toilet Catastrophes.”

They were a crowd favorite too.

“People please,”  Bob said.  “Sure, you’re happy now, but what none of you realize is that inside each and every one of your homes is a porcelain death trap waiting to kill you if not calibrated properly.”

Toilet explosions.  People getting sucked into their toilets.  Alligators popping out of toilets and biting unsuspecting butts.  Bob and Todd had seen it all.

The scene of the crime.

The scene of the crime.

Last but not least, there was the cast of Stereotypical Italian New Jerseyians.  Donnie A.  Donnie B.  Vinny Stugotz.  Maria Dub Step and last but not least, Lil’ Schnookums.

Vinny grabbed the mic.

“What, a mad scientist wants to experiment on me ovah hea’?  Fahgeddaboudit!”

“What’s that?”  Alien Jones asked into his phone.  “Vaporize them if the demonstration doesn’t work?  Oh Potent One, I don’t believe that would comply with Earth law.  What?  Yes, I know.  Yes.  You are the Mighty Potentate.”

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