Monthly Archives: April 2015

In Memoriam – Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane

HAZZARD COUNTY, GA – Flags are flying at half-mast in Hazard County as the citizenry pay their last respects to infamous lawman, Rosco P. Coltrane.

“Why I do declare this is the saddest day Hazzard County has ever known,”  said County Commissioner Jefferson Davis “Boss” Hogg.  “Sadder than that time Bo and Luke Duke were replaced for a season by Coy and Vance.  Even sadder than that 2000’s movie with Johnny Knoxville.  Rosco was a top notch Sheriff and an even better lackey/henchmen/bumbling dupe in my hair-brained schemes.  Why, if you were to total the numerous times I was disappointed when my schemes and scams aimed at relieving the Dukes from their precious farm failed miserably, you would still not begin to reach the level of disappointment I feel at having lost our beloved Sheriff Coltrane.”

Sheriff Coltrane, seen here with his beloved pooch, Flash.

Sheriff Coltrane, seen here with his beloved pooch, Flash.

“Every week it was pretty much the same thing,” said Deputy Cletus Hogg, who has long insisted his hiring as Deputy had nothing to do with nepotism.  “We’d chase them Duke boys.  For some reason Rosco would have a hard time finding them even though they drove a bright orange charger with a confederate flag painted on it in a backwater area that didn’t have that many cars to begin with.  Eventually, the chase would end with them Duke boys getting away and Rosco’s car ending up smashed or in a ditch or something.”

When asked why Sheriff Coltrane never bothered to reconnoiter with state police and arrest the Dukes at their Uncle Jesse’s farm, where they lived out in the open, Deputy Hogg scratched his head and replied, “Damn.  Wish we’d thought of that.  Oh well.”

Bo and Luke Duke were interviewed at Uncle Jesse’s farm.  When contacted by this reporter, they were loading jugs of clear liquid into the back of the General Lee, which they insisted were not moonshine.

“We’re very sad to have lost our arch nemesis,”  Bo said.  “We realize though that Rosco was more or less a puppet of Boss Hogg so we never really held a grudge against him.

“Even though there was that time that Boss Hogg tried to evict Uncle Jesse from the farm under false pretenses,”  Luke said.

“And that time he tried to frame Uncle Jesse to get the farm,”  Bo added.

“Pretty much every week Boss Hogg and Rosco were trying to get their grubby mitts on the farm,”  Luke said.

Cousin Daisy was unavailable for comment as she was busy cutting the legs off her jeans.  Uncle Jesse was too busy making clear liquid, which he too insisted was not moonshine.  However, in a display of his trademarked Southern hospitality, stated to this reporter, “Y’all come back now, ya heah?”

Local mechanic Cooter thanked Coltrane, noting that the weekly repairs he had to make to Coltrane’s car following botched chases with the Duke boys allowed him to retire a rich man.

Sheriff Coltrane passed peacefully.  His last words were, “Gyoo gyoo, gyoo gyoo!  Them Dukes, Them Dukes!!!”

In a related story, James Best, the actor who played Coltrane, also passed.  He was awesome and in addition to Coltrane, appeared in a number of serious roles.  He will be missed.

Some might argue that since Best appeared in over 80 movies and 600 TV shows, it’s a bit unfair that he’s best remembered for playing a bumbling incompetent Southern Sheriff.  However, most press reports read by this reporter indicate that Mr. Best was a good sport and was cool with it.

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Man Problems – Are You a Don Draper or a Louis CK?

Hello, 3.5 readers.

I’m a man.  I have problems.  Are you a woman?  Yes, I know you also have problems.  But I can only write about what I know.

There are some man problems I know all too well.  There are other man problems I know nothing about.

SPOILERS AHEAD

DON DRAPER

On one side of the spectrum, there’s Don Draper of Mad Men fame (aka Jon Hamm).

Don has problems.  He has more women than he knows what to do with.  He cheats on all of them constantly and when one of them gets fed up, another soon arrives, fully aware of the cad’s ne’er-do-well-lifestyle but willing to give it a go anyway.  Maybe she’ll be the one to change him.

In short, Don has some problems I wouldn’t mind having.

Oh AMC.  First, you fill my Sunday nights with zombies and murderous drifters.  Then, you replace them with ennui laden 1960's era ad executives.  Is there no middle ground with you?

Oh AMC. First, you fill my Sunday nights with zombies and murderous drifters. Then, you replace them with ennui laden 1960’s era ad executives. Is there no middle ground with you?

Don lives in a world I know nothing about.  In fact, though I’ve never received the memo, I’m getting a sneaking suspicion that I most likely never will.

It’s a world where Don, as recently as Sunday’s final season premiere, walks into a diner, propositions a waitress, and within seconds they are engaging in flagrante delicto in a back alley.

Not for nothing, but I’m fairly certain had I tried to pull a stunt like that, I’d be tazed and pepper sprayed unmercifully.

Oh wait, it’s the 1960’s.  She would have just cracked my skull with a rolling pin.

Don’s problems?  Which one of these women do I go out with tonight?  Which one of these women will I go out with and not tell the others about?  Which one of these women that I used to go out with do I miss and want to see again?  And how soon can I make another deal with my charm so I can grab some more money that I can use, naturally, to impress more women?  Not that I need money to get women because, hey, look at me, but the extra cash doesn’t hurt.

Of course, Don is full of inner turmoil.  He had a harsh childhood.  He grew up poor – an unwanted urchin in a house of ill repute.  When he becomes an adult,  he hits it big, gets a taste of the good life and he becomes trapped in a paradox – life is short so he feels the urge to drink and get busy as often as possible.  However, deep in his soul he realizes that no amount of cavorting can replace the love and stability of a loyal woman and along the way, he loses two wives to his bad habits.

I’m just going to throw it out there.  Toss me January Jones and I’m a happy camper.  Sorry everyone, no carousing for me.  I have to get home to January.

Yep.  Mad Men would be very boring if I were the star.

Don has problems.  I’ll never know any of them.  Stop being so depressed Don.  Trade lives me with anytime.

LOUIS CK

At the other side of the man-a-verse spectrum is…”Louis Louis Louis Louis.”  (You have to sing the theme song.)

Oh Louis.  I know many of your problems so well.  Not all of them, but many.  I truly feel your pain.

Louis, when I see the expression of utter defeat on your mug, I can feel your misery, because I make the same face a hundred times a day.  It looks like this:

I know that look.

I know that look.

Do you know what that look is called?  It is the “I’m trying as hard as I can and nothing is going my way!” look.  Defeat.  Surrender.  “OK world.  You got me.”

Poor Louis.  All he wants is to be happy and yet that long sought after emotion evades him at every turn.

And contrary to what everyone in his world thinks, it’s not for a lack of trying.

Don Draper?  Sure, he feels the occasional pang of sadness when he misses his kids, but he quickly dulls the pain with the next short skirted secretary to walk by.

Louis?  He loves his kids.  He wants to do right by them.  He only sees them a couple days a week and you can tell that weighs on him terribly – that the collapse of his marriage and the subsequent inability to not be with his children daily is a failure that haunts and suffocates him.  He holds the time he has with them sacred and doesn’t let anything interfere.

Love?  Louis wants to find it.  Do you remember Seinfeld?   That other show about a comedian?  Jerry had a bevy of beauties, a new one to be mocked or offended by Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer every week.

For the most part, Louis dates average women.  He doesn’t shoot for the stars.  You can’t accuse the guy of swinging for the fences because he’s staying in his league.  And yet, things inevitably go south for him anyway.

He takes a woman to a diner.  A group of unruly teenagers harass and threaten him.  Louis does the right thing – he lets it go.  Are insults worth getting in a physical fight over?  No.  But his date thinks less of him and won’t see him again.  It isn’t easy being a man.  Even in today’s allegedly equal, liberated, forward thinking world, a man who turns the other cheek in the face of a threat is considered a wuss.

On another date, a potential love interest informs Louis that she has children.  Stand-up guy that he is, Louis tells her not to worry – he also has kids.  Quickly, the woman turns sour and skeedaddles.  She wanted a man who would be accepting of her children but in an ironic twist, thought less of a man with kids of his own.

There’s Pam, who constantly harangues Louis with one putdown after another.  She dumps him and later tries to come back, fully expecting that Louis will welcome her with open arms.  She’s shocked to learn he’s in a relationship with Amia, as if the idea that ugly old Louis found someone else is impossible to believe.

Speaking of Amia, she’s Louis’ perfect soulmate but of course, she has to move back to her native Hungary.

Sure, occasionally a hot woman will show an interest in Louis, but even then, it doesn’t end well.  A supermodel-esque blonde in attendance at one of Louis’ shows invites the comedian back to her place.  In a freak accident, Louis unintentionally elbows her in the eye, causing her permanent damage and a hefty lawsuit that he can ill afford.

Luck is not on Louis’ side.  Have you ever heard the expression, “Anything bad that can happen will, and at the worst possible moment?”  That’s Louis’ life and I have more in common with a man like Louis than I ever will with Don “I wonder which model I’ll get jiggy with today” Draper.

Thought of as a loser by his ex-wife, a dufus by his kids, and a real mensch by his friends – Louis is that reliable guy that everyone instantly calls when they need help, but the favor is rarely returned when he needs something.  Worse, no matter how far out of his way he goes for people, they still end up looking at him like a chump.

Bald.  Paunchy.  Not very good looking at all.  Louis is the champion of defeated males everywhere – those who have resigned themselves to a fate where’d they’d be happy if a woman smiles at them.  “Well life, how much crap are you going to spoon feed me today?  Whatever.  Bring it on.  I’m ready for it.”

We Louis types are in awe of a Don Draper and fail to even comprehend how his lifestyle even exists.

We live on the same planet and yet, Louis CKs and Don Drapers live in completely different worlds.

So, what are you?  A Don Draper or a Louis CK?

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that since you’re reading a book blog with 3.5 readers, you probably trend more toward Louis.

Don’t be insulted.  So do most men, even though we hate to admit it.

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Amazon – Superman or Lex Luthor?

DEBATE QUESTION OF THE DAY:  When it comes to self-publishing, is Amazon Superman or Lex Luthor?

AMAZON IS SUPERMAN:  Once upon a time, if you had a story in your heart and wanted to tell the world, your only choice was to roll the dice, write it, submit it, and there was like a 10% chance maybe you’d find a publisher and a 90% chance that your manuscript would collect dust in your sock drawer.  To increase your odds, you could abandon your home, family, and everyone you know from the place you grew up and move to New York City or LA and try to hobnob with the beautiful people but in reality, the closest you’d get is a form reply from the assistant to the assistant of the book agent’s assistant.

Amazon has changed all that.  You are in control.  You build your platform.  You draw in your readers.  An entire self-publishing industry has been created to help writers like you.  You can find editors to help you polish your work, beta readers to give you feedback on what works and what doesn’t, formatters to put your book together in digital form and artists to create your book cover.

Roll up your sleeves, work hard, upload your book to Amazon, and you now have a foot in the door of the world of publishing.  If your book is as good as you think it is, people will read it, tell others and God willing, you become the next Hugh Howey or Amanda Hocking.

Does KDP Select lead to authors making their works exclusive to Amazon and push them to give their works away for free or on the cheap?  Yes.  But, come on.  We’re struggling no-names.  Readers only have so much expendable income.  If they have ten bucks to spend, will they buy my book or Steven King’s.  King has a proven track record.  You buy a Steven King book and you know you’ll be entertained.  Me?  I still have to earn that reputation.  So, take my work for pennies, world and if you like it, I hope you’ll come back for more and pay for the privilege because a steady flow of book sales income is what I need to justify writing as a full time career.

Thanks Amazon!  Like Superman, you’ve saved us all!

AMAZON IS LEX LUTHOR – Muah ha ha.  Yes.  Gather around my table at Legion of Doom Headquarters where I will now share my evil plans.  You had dreams of becoming a writer, did you?  We got you hooked on our service.  You uploaded your books, built your fan base, pushed them toward our site and thank you.  Your reward?  Pressure to give your books away for free and keep them only with us – we’ll get plenty of clicks on our site, you might get a little bit of pocket change for your trouble.  We’re driving down the cost of books all across the board, and even traditionally published writers are complaining about profit declines.  We don’t really care…we’re getting ours.  Muah ha ha.

DEBATE:  I lean toward the Superman argument but I can understand why some people might go with Lex Luthor.  What say you, self publishers?

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The Writer’s Battle: The Limits of Our Language (Examples from Fast 7)

BQB here.

Have you ever had a scene appear in your head so vividly and yet, you’re not able to come up with the words that do it justice?

Have you ever changed your story from what was in your head to what will work on paper?

Here’s an example that popped out at me while I was watching Fast and Furious 7.  Yes, I’m going to use an example from a car racing movie to discuss writing.  Shut up.

SPOILERS.

OK THE SETUP – Lettie, an amnesiac, remembers she used to be married to Vin Diesel aka Dom.

LETTIE:  Why didn’t you tell me we were married?

DOM:  Because you can’t tell someone that they love you.

OK, so what’s the problem?

“They” is a word used to refer to multiple people – plural.

EXAMPLE:

PETE: “Fred, did those hula dancing penguins steal my cheese sandwich?”

FRED:  “Indeed they did, Pete but don’t worry.  They’ll bring it back.”

Yet, a limit of the language, when you talk about “someone” or a singular individual where the sex isn’t stated in the sentence, your main option is to use “they.”

EXAMPLE:

PETE:  I can’t believe someone stole my cheese sandwich.

FRED:  Don’t worry, Fred.  They’ll bring it back.

See?  In this example, Fred has no idea who, how many, and the gender(s) of the culprit(s).  “They’ll” becomes an option, though I have no idea if it is proper or if it is just something that has become common in our vernacular.

What say you, fellow scribes?  What should Dom have said?

DOM:  You can’t tell someone she loves you.

ANALYSIS:  Eh, it’s ok but Lettie is right there holding him.  Seems odd to refer to her in the third person.

DOM (to Lettie):  I couldn’t tell you that you love me.

ANALYSIS:  Well, that becomes a whole other kettle of fish, doesn’t it?  Was he unable to tell Lettie she loves him because he wanted her to figure it out on her own or because he was choked up about the issue or some other reason?

So that brings us back to:

DOM:  You can’t tell someone that they love you.

Ahh!  I get it.  That great free-thinking mind inside Vin Diesel’s brain has come up with quite a concept.  The takeaway for the viewer is that Dom did not tell Lettie that they were married because Lettie, who remembers none of the past, would feel obligated to pretend to love Dom and Dom didn’t want that.  He wanted her to fall in love with him naturally like she did in the past.

And you thought the seventh sequel to a special effects saturated car chase movie couldn’t be deep and meaningful…for shame!

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Hoppy Easter

BQB here.

Hoppy Easter!  Bah ha ha…see what I did there?  I switched “happy” with “hoppy” because of the Easter bunny.  I’m so witty.

Alien Jones is taking another Sunday off.  He is fully recovered after being hit by a space bus.  However, today his planet celebrates a holiday that is similar to Easter, except it involves honoring a holy bunny who died for the planet’s sins.  To get the children involved in the holiday, they’re told a bearded human man with sandals will hide baskets and eggs around the house for them if they behave.

He hasn’t forgotten your questions and swears on a stack of space bibles that he’ll return next week.  Until then, enjoy these eggs:

Justice Legg of America

“The Justice Legg of America – Fighting Crime with a Side of Bacon” – via a Creative Commons License by Flickr User JD Hancock

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Movie Review – Fast and Furious 7 (2015)

Fast cars?  Check!

Ridiculous action sequences?  Check!

Rap music?  Check!

Hot babes?  Check!

Catchy one liners?  Check!

Copious amounts of testosterone?  Better believe that’s a check.

Plot?  Ehhh…

Fasten your seat belt and hit your nitrous switch, it’s time for my review of Fast and Furious 7.

But be forewarned…the spoilers are going to come…at a fast and furious pace!  (:::rimshot:::)

Cars jumping out of planes?  Sure, that could probably happen…

BQB:  Yeti, what did you think of the movie?

THE YETI:  I did not understand the plot.  I have not seen parts 1-7.  Did a scientist unleash a chemical that turned most of the characters into a bunch of angry jacked bald men?

BQB:  What?

THE YETI:  The Rock, Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, Tyrese Gibson, Djimon Honsou…like 90% of the cast are a bunch of cueballs!

BQB:  I’m pretty sure that’s the great cosmic deal, Yeti.  The universe can make a badass, but in exchange, you have to give up your hair.

THE YETI:  The film company must have saved a mint on shampoo costs alone.

Paul Walker

Let’s get the sad part out of the way first.  Paul Walker passed away during the film’s production in a tragic car crash (sadly and ironically, on his own time).  Since he plays a main character (Brian) in these films, would the continuity of the film suffer without him became the question on the minds of movie buffs.

THE YETI:  BQB, do you think the continuity of the movie suffered due to Paul Walker’s unfortunate passing?

BQB:  Good question, Yeti.  That was just on my mind.  No, I don’t think it did.  Going into it, I assumed his character would somehow leave mid-film, but he stays right to the end, so apparently a great deal was taped before the world lost this action star.

I would be interested in learning what had to be done to compensate for his passing.  Toward the end of the film, there are some action sequences that take place in the dark, and “Brian” is either seen from far away, or if his face is on screen, it’s only for a split second between various karate moves.  That made me wonder whether a stunt double was utilized or if that was just the intent of the scene since it took place at night in a dark building.

In other words, there are times when I’m not sure whether or not it was Paul and I don’t want to diss Paul if in fact he was in said scenes.

There is a scene at the end where Dom and Paul do their usual “pull up to each other at the end” and have a heart-to-heart talk.  There, the scene did look like footage taken of Paul in the past.

And whereas these movies usually end with Dom and Paul drag racing, they instead, drive off, going their separate ways…Dom to continue his life as a bad ass, Brian to be a husband and Dad.

Aww.  Tear.

Obviously, I care more about Walker’s life than an action movie, but from a critic’s perspective, I did not think that Walker’s death impacted the overall quality of the film and in my eye anyway, I did not notice any defects or flaws caused to the film.  Any changes they had to make were minor or barely noticeable.

Great question, Yeti.  Do you have any others?

THE YETI:  Yes.  Were there any sad scenes made even sadder due to Walker’s passing?

BQB:  Indeed there were, Yeti.  There’s a scene where Brian has a heartfelt phone conversation with Mia, where she tells her husband that the way he’s talking makes it sound like he’s never coming home and well, that becomes more depressing now that we know Walker is not coming home.

There’s also a montage of Walker through the years in the past 7 movies, dating back to 2001 and it’s just amazing how you don’t recognize it while it’s happening, but people really do grow and change over the course of a decade.

One more thing – Walker left one more movie behind.  Last year’s Brick Mansions, was, in my opinion, another must see flick for fans of urban action films.

Alright then.  Let’s move from the sad to the awesome.

Obviously, with these films, you check your thinking cap at the door.  In fact, here’s my thought process with every outlandish stunt I see:

BQB:  Oh, come on.  That could never happen!  Cars jumping out of planes?  Preposterous!  Through buildings?  Get out of here!  That defies all laws of science and physics and…OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!! DO IT AGAIN!

Nope, you don’t go for the plot.  You go for the action and special effects.

THE YETI:  Why do they bother pulling all of these fast car jobs when they have so many skills?  Driving skills, computer skills, planning skills…

BQB:  Shut up, Yeti.

I dare say that the scene where Dom jumps a 3.5 million dollar plus car through three buildings (as in it exits out one window, jumps a large expanse, does it again, then ends up in a third building).

THE YETI:  What did you think of Kurt Russell?

BQB:  You’re full of questions, aren’t you, Yeti?  Personally, I think the Rock is awesome and let’s be honest, he saved this franchise.  I get the impression that the Rock enjoys Hobbs, a character who is unapologetic about his awesomeness.

Therefore, it was sad to see Hobbs get laid up in the hospital for most of the film, with Kurt Russell taking over as the agent that convinces Dom’s crew to pull a job.  That being said, Russell did a great job and he was awesome.

At one point, I was left wondering about the overall question of what makes a movie great.  Let’s face it.  Flicks like this one will never win an Academy Award and yet when you think about it, with all the stunts, action, special effects and so on…there’s probably more moving parts and issues to coordinate than, say Birdman.

And while I’m not saying, “Let’s give Fast and Furious an Oscar!” I am saying that F and F 7 is a better film than Birdman.

Yup.  I’m sorry.  I said it.  Had F and F 7 come out in 2014 it would of been more deserving of an Oscar than Birdman.

Other notables:

  • Game of Thrones fans will be pleased to see Nathalie Emmanuel aka the Khaleesi’s translator Missandei in a major on screen role.
  • Did anyone else think “If it is possible for this franchise to have a “Jump the Shark” moment, that it might have been the part where the crew jumps out of plane in their cars and somehow they all manage to land on one road in perfect formation?
  • Why are their cars constantly being sprayed with bullets and yet they never die?
  • Was the Rock’s epic fight in the beginning with Jason Statham the best thing ever?
  • Has anyone figured out why so many musclebound dudes go bald?

THE YETI:  But it’s so stupid.  They drive cars.  They blow stuff up.  Constant chaos.  It reminds me of the Yeti village.

BQB:  Again, suspend your concerns about plot and substance at the door.  These films are basically one big on screen thrill ride.  They might as well make the seats shake it charge admission to it at Disney World.

THE YETI:  Are you going to talk about Paul Walker again before you go?

BQB:  Yes.  So, on this blog, I talk a lot about heroes for average people – folks that the ordinary man can look up to.  Now, Walker was an above averagely good looking movie star, so obviously we can’t call him average.

But here’s what sets him apart from other action stars.  There’s a scene where he takes on a bus full of terrorists while wearing a hoodie.  That may not seem like much, but think about other movies where the hero wears a uniform, or a bullet proof vest or armor or something.

Maybe I’m just reading too much into it but when you see a good guy taking out bad guys while wearing ordinary street clothes, it makes me think that maybe that could inspire moviegoers to become better than average.

You too can do awesome things in just your hoodie and jeans.  But, you know, just don’t try to take out a bunch of terrorists by yourself.  Duh.

I’ll be interested to see what direction the series goes in from here, if it does continue at all.  As discussed above, it was left that Brian drove off in his own direction to become a family man.  I think that was a good decision because to kill the character off would have been a bit macabre given the the actor’s tragic passing.

Will the crew go on without Brian?  Will they hang up their stick shifts and call it quits?  Time will tell.  But all in all, they were faced with a difficult task – deliver an over the top action blockbuster while remaining respectful to the loss of one of the main stars…and it delivered.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  RIP Paul Walker.  You will be missed.

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Yeti Hashtags

#YetiSongs – Put “Yeti” in a Song Title or Lyric

#YetiMovies – Put “Yeti” in a Movie Title or Movie Quote

#YetiTV – Put “Yeti” in a TV show title or quote

And you know, because I heard a rumor this is a book blog…

#YetiBooks – Put “Yeti” in a book title or quote

There’s no hard and fast rules here, people.  Just yeti away!  Hopefully it helps me get up to 4000 followers so I can banish the Yeti for good!

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Making the Case for Self Publishing

The Writer’s Manifest discusses an interesting article about self-publishing – the stats really make the case for giving self-publishing a shot.

LynnPerretta's avatarThe Writer's Manifest

I’m going to share a really great post from another blog.

Should you follow the traditional or self publishing path? Numbers point the way.

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Yeti Krabs!

So, the other day I’m flipping through the channels and what do I find:

Yeti Krabs!  (a character on Nickelodeon's Spongebob Squarepants)

Yeti Krabs! (a character on Nickelodeon’s Spongebob Squarepants)

BQB:  The Yeti!  Are you seeing this?  I’m a trendsetter!  I start talking about Yetis on my blog and suddenly everyone has Yeti fever!

THE YETI:  Roar roar.  Check your ego at the door.  No one reads your stupid blog.

BQB:  Thanks Yeti.  I can always count on you to keep me grounded.

Curious, I googled “yeti krabs” to discover this:

Yeti Krab!

Yeti Krab!

BQB:  The Yeti!  Are you serious?  Yeti Krabs are real?  WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT YETI KRABS ARE REAL?!

THE YETI:  You didn’t ask.  They are our tiny, furry, pinchy cousins and are angrier than we are.

BQB:  That’s pretty angry, since you literally rip Bookshelf Battle HQ apart every day.  I feel like all I ever do is clean up after you anymore.

THE YETI:  I am Oscar to your Felix.  Roar.

Well anyway folks, it feels like this blog has been all about yetis lately so all I can say is keep those twitter follows coming because I’m 140 away from giving this snow beast his walking papers.

THE YETI:  It will never happen.  I’ve seen rocks with moss growing on them that are funnier than you are.

BQB:  Shut up, The Yeti.

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