It was on TV this afternoon and I ended up watching it. Dan Akroyd. Eddie Murphy. Jamie Lee Curtis as a hooker with a heart of gold.
It was on all the time when I was a kid so it took me on a stroll down memory lane.
If you’ve never seen it, it asks the “nature vs. nurture” question that plagues us today. Do people possess an innate ability to thrive or fail or is it possible to pluck anyone out of a bad environment, put them in a good one and see them succeed?
To that end, the Duke Brothers, a pair of elderly Wall Street tycoons frame their firm’s manager Winthorp (Dan Akroyd) to see if he thrives or fails when he hits the skids. Meanwhile, they appoint Billy Ray (Eddie Murphy) as the firm’s manager and give him a lot of money to see whether he thrives or fails when thrust into success.
Also, there are a lot of boobs. Many gratuitous 1980s boobs belonging to women who are either dead or very old now. Depressing.
Questions for my 3.5 readers
QUESTION 1:
Do you think environment matters when it comes to a person’s success or failure? Are people in tough situations bound to fail or are there people who can make the best out of any situation?
QUESTION 2:
Why aren’t there any boobs in movies anymore? Movies used to have boobs all the time. Now I barely see any. What gives?
Meanwhile, movies are more violent than ever with people getting shot, hacked up, eaten by CGI movies but put one pair of boobs on the screen and to quote the Joker, “everyone loses their minds!”
NOTE: Downside – there is a blackface scene in which Dan Akroyd goes undercover as a Jamaican while wearing blackface and fake dreads. Even by 1983 standards that was a little bit off. So there’s that but overall despite that one scene, the movie does have a good message about not automatically disparaging someone who doesn’t come from a perfect background, that had you lacked opportunity you might struggle too.
Holy Crap. LOTS of stuff going on here….so much so this chapter actually took me a few days to write because I had to keep stopping to think what I wanted to do, say, and how to say it.
Overall, the chapter has two main points:
1) Explain why the hell Blythe just doesn’t take out a gun and shoot Slade while he’s sleeping. Remember Austin Powers? Scott asks Dr. Evil why he doesn’t just shoot Austin and call it a day. And Dr. Evil responds that he’s just going to leave Austin in an easily escapable predicament with one inept guard.
I didn’t want to go that “incompetent villain” route. Blythe is smart. So I went with the “oppressed employee” route.
Have you ever had a boss that practically made you hop on one foot, chew bubble gum, yodel, do breakdance moves, jumping jacks and climb Mt. Everest at the same time and act like it is all perfectly reasonable?
And there’s a part of you that just wants to explain to the boss that if you could do my job for 5 minutes, you’d see why your request is not a good idea?
But you don’t because you don’t want to be fired.
That’s basically what’s happening here. The board, made up of pampered vampires who don’t do much to get their uh…fangs…dirty…put out all these edicts for Blythe to follow.
The board wanted Joe to suffer so as to scare their werewolf lackeys into submission. Blythe was against that, having advised to kill him outright, lest he become a problem and sure enough, he is now a problem.
They also feel Slade could be turned evil with the right motivation. We learn that vampires can glamour people by looking into their souls, finding out what they want the most and mentally communicating a promise that they’ll get it if they just do whatever the vampire wants.
But Slade is such a depressed guy that he doesn’t believe he could ever really be happy, so there’s nothing there to help Blythe glamour him.
The vampire board wants Blythe to try to turn him to their side. Blythe knows this is pointless but he has to try. (Just like you have to hop one one foot and chew gum etc etc at least 50 times before your boss figures out he made a mistake – they can’t trust you that it is a mistake, they need to see the mistake happen).
So reluctantly, Blythe agrees. There’s an allusion to the fact that he’s plotting to do something to Slade’s women that might put him on a path to evil.
2) This chapter also paves the way for future books and if enough people pony up the cash for me to get a dinner at Applebees after this book, I’ll write two more so I can go out to Chili’s for some baby back ribs and Buffalo Wild Wings for some buffalo wild wings.
There’s some kind of relationship between Blythe and Lady Blackwood going on. They hold hands and she takes his arm as they walk. I don’t really ever give an answer. You’re free to think they boink or that they are just colleagues and in those days it was expected that a man give a woman he is walking next to his arm to prevent her from falling.
Shit. Try to give a woman your arm today to prevent her from falling and say hello to the lawsuit but I digress.
What we do find out about whatever relationship they have – they both believe they are the two smartest vampires in the room. They are both like minded, practical, they both work on the ground, on the front lines, they know the board’s silly whims are stupid. There’s a suggestion they’d be interested in bumping the board off and becoming a ruling duo if Blythe’s plan is successful.
Also – the “chairman” tricks people into thinking that he doesn’t exist. Can you think of someone else who has tricked the world into thinking he doesn’t exist? Read your bible, heathens!
I like Blackwood’s name and it makes me sad that I have to change it. My proposed sequel takes place partially in Deadwood (HBO show fans rejoice) so you can’t have a person named Blackwood in a town called Deadwood.
I’ll have to think of something though since she’s Scottish I’m thinking about just calling her Lady Tavish and calling it a day.
I don’t want to give too much away about the sequel other than Wild Bill Hickok had been a problem for the vampires, Lady Blackwood did something evil about it, and now Hickok’s friends Calamity Jane and Charlie Utter are after the lady.
In my mind, I’ve mapped out a lot of that novel already. I’m a little nervous about using actual people as characters though I believe most people will understand it is pure fantasy.
Although I’m sure there is a good part of the population who is convinced that Abraham Lincoln was a vampire hunter….so…sorry Wild Bill, Jane, and Charlie.
And if you like those two books, the third will find Wyatt Earp taking on vampires, werewolves and zombies in yet another novel guaranteed to raise enough funds for a dinner.
I am a little torn though. Wyatt’s best friend was Doc Holliday. In this novel I have a Doc Faraday. I’m debating on maybe changing him to Doc Farrelly or just leave it and if a fan complains I’ll just say shit I’m sorry I never thought I’d make it to a third novel.
OTHER STUFF:
Some talk of Blythe being punished with the removal of his medallion. Lady B says that’ll be the least of your worries. Blythe disagrees and basks in the sun.
Vampires don’t usually enjoy the sun, right?
Finally, I try not to make Blythe funny and instead have him be evil but I couldn’t resist an ending in which he comes back to the real world and freaks the hell out to find Becker and Hewitt (as werewolves) starting at him.
Inside his mind, Blythe was in Hell, the realm of the damned.
He stood in a field of blank, black space that went on forever in every direction. Abruptly, a ringed wall of fire shot up into the air. It too went on to infinity.
In the center, an alluring blonde woman, all in white appeared. Her hair was up. Her right cheek had a subtle beauty mark. She held out her hand. Blythe kissed it.
“Lady Blackwood,” Blythe said.
“Counselor.”
As vice-chairwoman of the Legion Corporation’s board of directors, Lady Blackwood was an exceptionally powerful vampire. She spoke with a Scottish brogue, reminiscent of her highland ancestors long past.
Blythe looked around. “Perhaps a change of scenery? Something more fitting for your beauty.”
“Flattery will get you nowhere,” Lady Blackwood said. In the blink of an eye, the pair found themselves strolling across the beach of a tropical island. The…
1) It begins with Blythe having a headache. Signs of his headache continue throughout…I hope this means you, the reader, want to know what is causing his headache.
2) The Buchanan Boys are destroying Miss Bonnie’s saloon. Again, other than Smelly Jack, the Buchanans are superfluous and interchangeable. Think of them as the minions, except not yellow or bean shaped and instead, they are cowboys.
3) Some character development for Miss Bonnie. She loves her place and protests its destruction but when told she’ll be reimbursed, she immediately decides to pad the bill. So, if you hadn’t already noticed, she’s not exactly a solid citizen. We see that again when she comes to Roscoe’s defense, only we find out she’s worried about him because he is a paying customer and not him personally.
4) Doc is getting them all to drink his Miracle Cure All.
5) And we learn…pretty much…though without it being expressly said…that Doc was the dumb dupe that started a cross country zombie apocalypse currently making its way for Highwater.
6) It is hard because I feel Doc and Blythe are very similar – both educated, both have high opinions of themselves, both use fancy words – Blythe isn’t stupid though whereas Doc is naive and his ego can be stroked to disastrous results.
7) You learn what caused the headache at the end. I feel like I invented something here. I’m sure nerds out there can point out other books where characters “meet inside their minds” so ok maybe I didn’t invent it but I think it is somewhat original and unique.
Basically – Blythe is an employee of “the board” and the board can call him into a mind meeting, regardless of whether he wants to be in one. His head starts to hurt, his eyes turn red, he freezes still like a statue and “the mind meeting” begins.
The Bonnie Lass was a madhouse. More so than usual. The Buchanan Boys were out of control – laughing, singing, drinking, shouting, shooting, fighting, helping themselves to the hooch, breaking and/or stealing everything that wasn’t nailed down and chasing Miss Bonnie’s girls around with nary an interest in their right to refuse service.
Miss Bonnie walked over to the back corner where Blythe sat, holding his aching forehead in the palm of his hand, oblivious to all of it.
“Mr. Blythe,” Miss Bonnie said.
Blythe didn’t respond.
“Mr. Blythe!”
He looked up. “What is it?”
“Mr. Blythe,” Miss Bonnie said. “I’ve had all I can stand of this. These men need to go before I start using their asses as target practice.”
That ticked Blythe’s funny bone, but the laughter made his head throb harder. “I apologize, Madame. I’m a bit under the weather.”
Just a hint here that Joe is plotting an offensive on his own against Blythe’s werewolves, the “dirty animals” comment referring to Mr. Becker and Mr. Hewitt obviously.
Leo the drunk in the cage – it is a reference to the Andy Griffith Show, the small town sheriff where Otis the town drunk was a recurring character and things were so informal that he let himself in and out of the cell on his own.
I’m thinking about changing Leo to Roscoe Crandall, who you may remember got punched in the face by Slade for calling Miss Bonnie a whore.
I picture him sleeping one off in later chapters and eventually makes his way to the group and perhaps he spills the beans to Sarah that Slade and Miss Bonnie are more than just casual acquaintances.
Gunther dozed with his feet on the Marshal’s desk until the front door opened and rousted him awake.
“Say Joe, what do you know?”
“Hello Gunther,” Joe said. “I was hoping I could…”
The old man opened the top right drawer and pulled out a rusty cash box. He pulled out some bills and handed them to Joe. “Say no more. Seven days. Seven dollars. You earned it.”
“Much obliged,” Joe said, tucking the money into his pocket.
“Afraid there’s no more work for you here,” Gunther said. “Actually, there’s no more work for me here either.”
“Sorry to hear that,” Joe said.
“Might be some work for you around town,” Gunther said. “Lars Gustafson was looking for help at the livery if you know how to shoe a horse.”
“Nah,” Joe said. “Reckon I’ll be moving on soon.”
“Too much excitement for you in this thriving metropolis?” Gunther asked.
My chapters are short…maybe too short. I’ve written 60 some odd chapters already but really I only have like 40,000 words total. But people see 60 and wonder why it is going on for so long.
I think people will get it when it is laid out in a book though. James Patterson does his chapters this way. Every time there’s a new scene, people have changed locations, a new point to make, there’s a new chapter.
This one is really short…almost too short. But not sure if anything can be done about it.
Miles throws himself in poop. I know. Gross. But now you want to keep reading to find out why, right?
Of all the farmers in Highwater, Phil Tucker was by far the laziest. He rarely mucked out his pig pen and while a certain amount of slop is to be expected, most farmers take it upon themselves to grab a rake and tidy up before their neighbors feel like they’re ready to drop dead from the stench.
Even worse, Tucker just threw the pig’s food directly onto the pig poop so there was a fair amount of poop that had been eaten, digested, and turned into poop again.
Super poop, if you will.
Miles held his nose and stepped up backwards onto the pen’s fence. He closed his eyes, stretched out his arms, and fell backward into a pool of brown, disgusting, fly ridden, liquefied poop.
Slowly, he emerged with the mess dripping off of him. A few snorting pigs waddled over to check the intruder out but he…
Sy Fy has a zombie western in which the Backstreet Boys and 98 Degrees play cowboys fighting zombies.
Though I have to be missing something as I’m pretty sure one of them is wearing a backwards hat and I’m certain there’s a Jeep in there.
I don’t have to give up on my Zombie Western though right? Attorney Donnelly is at work as we speak on a press release about how mine is much more awesome-er.
Nah. I don’t know. There are a few self published zombie westerns floating around out there already.
It’s just a little discouraging sometimes. You think you’re original and then you realize there’s so much entertainment out there it is virtually impossible to be original.
Wait a minute…he is wearing a backwards baseball hat! WTF?!
Home on a Friday night watching a Netflix movie about a man-child.
Oh life, where did you go wrong?
BQB here with a review of Pee Wee’s Big Holiday.
Oh Pee Wee. You could have been a contender.
Come to think of it, you were. Like every Generation X kid, I too talked in your silly voice and did my take on your “Ha ha!” and “Argh!” and so on.
But then you just had to go and do…well what you did at that adult theater in 1991.
To this day, I’ve never really understood it. Sure, perverts have it a lot better today, what with a vast cornucopia of pornography available thanks to the Internet (so I’ve heard) but even in the 1990s, people had VCRs to watch risqué movies on (again, so I’ve heard.)
Pee Wee. Oh Pee Wee. You weren’t like Mr. Rogers, trying to lecture us on morality or Sesame Street, trying to teach us shit. You just invited us along to be silly and have a good time and you had to go and get yourself in trouble.
Eh. Did it matter? Two movies and a TV show, I’m not sure how much more Pee Wee the public could have tolerated.
Either way, he’s been in more movies (as Paul Reubens) and we’ve forgiven him. (But Jesus Christ, even in the 1990s they had Playboys and Penthouses and Hustlers you could check out in the privacy of your own home so what the hell was he thinking? (Again, so I’ve heard.)
Pee Wee is back (because thanks to Netflix, everyone who had a hit twenty years ago is coming back for one last hurrah).
Did you know that Pee Wee is 63 years old? I always thought he was younger for some reason. Holy Shit. He aged well.
The Plot – Pee Wee lives in Fairville and he is afraid to leave. But then he meets Joe Manganiello (the actor from True Blood and Magic Mike, though if you’ve never heard of him, it is ok because Pee Wee hadn’t heard of him either.)
Yes, Joe plays himself. Meta.
They learn they have a lot in common and become fast friends. But Joe is worried that Pee Wee has lived such a sheltered life so he challenges our favorite man boy to trek across country to his birthday party in New York City.
That’s about it. It’s a romp from there on, a series of skits as he gets in various predicaments along the way. Bank robbing babes, snakes, Farmer’s daughters, and balloon loving Amish folk slow him down.
I have to admit I didn’t laugh as much as I thought I would. I’m concerned this means maybe Pee Wee was never funny. Maybe I just thought he was when I was a kid.
But then I recall Pee Wee’s Big Adventure and classic lines like, “There’s no basement at the Alamo” and how he called that spoiled Francis guy “France-ass” and the bikers and I laugh and laugh. (“Paging Mr. Herman. Mr. Herman. You have a telephone call at the front desk.)
Eh. Maybe there’s just few people around who understand/appreciate 1980’s humor enough to make a movie that lives up to the legend.
Anyway, it was cute but not as good as the original or Big Top Pee Wee, the sequel.
MAIN COMPLAINT: Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t believe he said “I know you are but what am I” to anyone in the entire film. That’s his patented catch phrase. Even those hacks at Fuller House knew they had to jam “Cut it out” and “How rude” and “Have mercy” into the first ten minutes.
Isn’t that the whole point of these TV shows/movies? Long in the tooth actors grabbing one last pay day by placating adults who loved those actors when they were kids before the next generation of adults comes along and doesn’t give a shit?
“Look BQB. That TV show/movie you liked as a child is still relevant…time isn’t passing you by…say the catchphrase!!!”
SIDENOTE: Pee Wee’s 63 but all his chicks in this movie are way younger. Maybe because he’s just an ageless perpetually young guy…or maybe Hollywood couldn’t let him get with a 63 year old perpetually ageless female?
I don’t know. Maybe I’m too much of a conspiracy theorist. And to be fair, he does go on a flying car ride with a Katherine Hepburn type.
Not really shelf-worthy but if you haven’t seen them, I hope this inspires you to see his first two movies.
That’s the highest one of my stories has ever ranked before.
If you’re a Wattpadder, I’d appreciate it if you’d give it a read, a vote, a comment…any little bit you can do can help it climb the charts.
The more eyes, the more feedback, the more feedback motivates me to keep going.
I hate to admit it, but I have a hard time sometimes.
I want to start my own self-publishing business so badly, but I feel life has it out for me. Things constantly go wrong. Ridiculous nonsense constantly gets in my way. There’s always something that’s immediately pressing.
I get to write when I “steal my time back.” I get up a little earlier. I stay up a little later. I stop watching TV. I stop doing fun things.
That’s all admirable but it does take a toll. Sometimes you do need to unwind. Sometimes you do need to be unproductive, even if it is for twenty minutes.
Like this site’s name, it just seems like it is a constant battle. Sometimes I get frustrated. Whenever I think I have a nice free night of writing ahead of me and some nonsense gets in the way, I feel like banging my head against the wall.
Sometimes I think about giving up. If the gods, or karma, or the powers that be or whatever wanted me to write, they would stop allowing so many time sucking curveballs to be sent my way.
Your comments help. Even if your comment is “this sucks” it helps me because, hey, last year I didn’t even have half of a rough draft written for someone to tell me it sucks so…improvement!
You keep reading and commenting, I’ll keep finding ways to squeeze writing in.
Thank you, 3.5 readers. You are by far the best 3.5 readers a magical bookshelf caretaker/alien friend/zombie fighter/town mayor could ask for
By: Dr. Hugo Von Science, Illustrious Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University
NOTE: Last October, Dr. Hugo Von Science, BQB’s former mentor, esteemed professor and Bookshelf Battle columnist, startled the world when he caused a zombie outbreak in East Randomtown.
As you 3.5 readers may recall, this led to a month long romp in which BQB had to interview a different author of zombie fiction every day for thirty one days.
Here now is Dr. Hugo’s apology:
Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!
Dr. Hugo Von Science here after a long hiatus mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue With Science!”
You really can’t, can you, mein leibchen? Have you ever tried to carry on a heated debate with a spore mold sample? Nothing happens whatsoever. It’s infuriating how spore mold samples give you the cold shoulder. Bunch of dummpkoffs if you ask me.
Perhaps you remember me from of mein fine inventions:
The Kanye-fizer – Don’t have the courage to stand up and declare yourself the greatest? One zap from mein Kanye-fizer and you vill be snatching awards from your coworkers in no time.
The Swift-i-fier – Tired of being das boring wallflower? One zap and everyone vill be thinking about you 24/7 though when asked to vocalize a reason as to why no one vill be able to come up with a reason. I’m a scientist, not a miracle worker.
The Minajanator – Baffle your friends by keeping them on their toes. One second you’re kind und sweet, the next you’re screaming bloody murder. Fun at parties!
And finally, who could forget…
Das Discofier – All world leaders must bow down before me or the masses vill be grabbing their crotches and pointing rapidly into the air until the end of time! Muah ha…muah ha ha….MUAH HA HA! Woopsie. That one isn’t quite perfected yet. Forget you heard about that one.
Good to see you again, Herr. 3.5 readers. As you can imagine, Bookshelf Q. Battler and I have been on the outs ever since the little kerfuffle in East Randomtown last October.
Gadzooks, “accidentally” cause one little zombie outbreak and all of a sudden you’re persona non grata.
I don’t know what BQB’s problem is. Das people of the world have forgiven me. POTUS has pardoned me. The Advanced Science Institute of Science University welcomed me back. Even Hollywood admitted that all of those reality stars I zombified were easily replaceable. Buses full of jerk faces willing to debase themselves on camera arrive in Tinsel Town every hour on the hour.
As for East Randomtown…vell, yes it now looks like it was torn apart by zombies but in my defense, that town was so full of losers that it looked like it was torn apart by zombies even before it was torn apart by zombies. If anything, the zombie attack was an improvement.
Did I mean to cause a zombie attack? No. Not at all. Sometimes in science, inventions fail. Sometimes contraptions do not work out as planned. Sometimes you accidentally end up causing a zombie outbreak that causes thousands of people to die terrible deaths at the hands of brain devouring undead abominations.
Everyone has forgiven me but you, BQB. I hope you can find it in your heart to do so someday. This idea you’ve concocted in your head that I’m an evil mad scientist trying to take over the world is ridiculous. I have always been and continue to be the world’s most beloved science ambassador, the one and only Dr. Hugo Von Science.
WHAT SAY YOU, 3.5 READERS? SHOULD BQB FORGIVE DR. HUGO?
JA – Shit happens. Anyone could have just as easily caused a zombie apocalypse and just look at that guy. He’s so kooky and lovable. If anything, BQB should thank him because it led to him interviewing #31ZombieAuthors.
NEIN – He caused a damn zombie apocalypse on purpose! I don’t care how awesome he is, he is clearly a mad scientist who is attempting to take over the world in his spare time. This whole “I’m a nice man who teaches people about science” stuff is just a rouse.
Bookshelf Battle 