Monthly Archives: June 2018

Take BQB’s Writing Challenge!

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal, BQB, here.

In case you didn’t hear, my book, “Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts” is free this week.  Totally free.  That means you can go on over to Amazon right now and download it for free, no strings attached, the worst that happens is you end up with a book on your kindle that you won’t read, though if you don’t read it, you’d be missing out because the critics in my head are saying it’s the best book since the New Testament.

Please Lord, don’t strike me down.  I know you have a sense of humor.  Look at my life, after all.

This book features many of my most humorous writing ideas.  Why, with this book, you’ll be able to write about:

  • A reality TV star who punches sharks in the face!
  • A fart that defies the boundaries of time, space and science!
  • A pumpernickel that scares a couple on a date out of their minds!
  • Ninja bunnies!
  • Zombie bed and breakfast owners!
  • An outer space world where no one has a butt!
  • And so much more!

So, tell you what, 3.5 readers.  Get this book for free, browse through it, pick a scenario and write a blog post based on one of the prompts.  Tweet a link to me @bookshelfbattle and if I like it, I’ll share it with the 7 eyes of my 3.5 readers.  What a marketing breakthrough for you, to have a blog post you wrote shared with the likes of my 3.5 readers.

So, don’t delay, get my book of writing prompts today!

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Did I Mention My Book is FREE This Week?

It’s super free, super free, it’s free baby…

 

BQB’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts is Free!

Hey 3.5 readers.

Hop on Amazon and get a copy of my free book.  It’s FREE until Sunday.  So, you know, because it’s FREE you can just pick it up and not have to pay any money because as I mentioned, it’s totes free.

Ninja bunnies.  Zombies.  Fart philosophy.  Lots of awesome stuff packed into this fine book, which is really, really, really free.

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The New Star Wars Movies – Why Disney is Screwing it Up

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Oddly, “Solo” did poorly at the box office, even though I think it was pretty good.  Out of the four new films, “Rogue One” and “Solo” are the only ones I’m interested in watching again.  “Force Awakens” and “Last Jedi” are drek.

Which leads me to a conclusion – “Star Wars” only works during the period of the Empire’s reign and ensuing war against the Rebellion.  You’ve got the best villain in movie history, Darth Vader, who, let’s be honest, carries the franchise.  You’ve got the most beloved characters – Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie et all.

The prequels were fun at the time they were released but they don’t hold up over time (though “Revenge of the Sith” is solid.)  Sith holds up because we see Yoda being a badass, we see Anakin’s final transformation into Vader.  Vader always makes these movies watchable.

Alas, when we lose Vader and the original characters and/or time period, the franchise starts to poop the bed.  Keep in mind “Rogue One” had all new characters and a brief Vader cameo.  The new characters carry it because we understand the stakes – the Empire doesn’t mess around and to be caught means certain death for the rebels.

I think Disney sort of understood that the Empire vs. Rebellion dynamic sells the franchise.  So, they attempted to resurrect it with this odd idea that is never really explained, namely that the Republic has been restored but remnants of the Empire and Rebellion are still fighting each other in the form of the “First Order” and “The Resistance.”

Meh.  Lame.  One would think it would be the Republic vs. the First Order or what have you.  We learn little of Snoke, while Kylo Ren is sort of fun as an emo Vader wannabe quasi hipster rebel against mom and dad millennial Sith lord, there just isn’t enough story.  We’re thrown in and we aren’t told a lot about this world.

Further, there were attempts to capitalize on Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford and the late Carrie Fisher being around long enough to appear in the films.  In retrospect, perhaps they would have been better used in sequels in the late 1990s, early 2000s where they were younger and more spry.  They weren’t in fighting shape this go-around, not knocking them, that’s just what time does to us.

But look what they did to Han and Leia.  These great heroes are relegated to an elderly, washed up bickering couple.  Maybe Leia isn’t because she’s a general but Han apparently never gets behind traveling the galaxy with his furry BFF Chewie.  Didn’t we, as fans, want more for these beloved characters?

As fans, didn’t we envision Luke traveling the galaxy, getting into adventures in his middle and old age?  Did we really want him to just run off to an island, become a hermit and a whiner?

Let me break it down.  “Solo” proved (well, to me but apparently not to the public) that younger actors could play Solo, Lando and thus younger actors could have played Leia, Luke, etc.

They did it with “Star Trek.”  Sure, we balked.  But then we remembered that Chris Pine isn’t an insult to Shatner but an homage.  The new doesn’t replace the old.  It’s just a way we can bring our old faves back again.

All the original characters were fairly young at the end of “Return of the Jedi” so there was a whole, big, beautiful timeline that could have been explored between Luke, Leia and Han’s youth and their old age.  You could have incorporated Hammill, Ford and Fisher into it, maybe as old timers remembering their youth.

There’s a whole slew of novels that the fans loved that cover the time after the fall of the Empire, showing our heroes going up against remnants of the Empire and even facing new villains.

So, I think there was a big well of possibility there that was left untapped.  And sadly, to stay true to the new dumb films, if it is ever tapped, you have to make Han and Leia a bitter divorced couple who never see each other.

Are “Awakens” and “Last” fun spectacles?  Maybe “Awakens” was ok for the nostalgia factor, but “Last Jedi” left me disappointed.

The whole thing has taught me that other than Empire vs. Rebellion, there really isn’t any idea for a future for the franchise.  I understand that Hammill, Ford and Fisher are iconic and not easy to replace.  Those are big shoes to fill.  But we felt that way about “Star Trek” and low and behold, that worked and with careful cast selection and good writing, it could have worked again here.

They’ve chosen to mine the Empire days with side stories but I really think the main saga could have continued with young actors playing the originals.

Oh well.  At some point, the saga will have to enter a new time period with a whole new setting, a whole new power structure, new villains, new heroes, and, God help us, they’re going to have to come up with a new threat other than the Death Star.

Until a solid writing team nails that, they should stick with Empire vs. Rebellion and perhaps look into seeing if the Han/Leia divorce can be written off as a bad dream.  Perhaps Episodes 7-9 can all be written off as a bad fever dream had by Chewie when he got a hold of some tainted chili cheese fries and farted himself into a coma.

Then when he wakes up, he’s with a younger cast.  It picks up after “Return of the Jedi” and a young Luke, Han and Leia travel the galaxy tracking down the Empire remnants.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Miss America Cancels Swimsuit Competition

What a strange new world, 3.5 readers.

Gotta be honest, I was outraged for 3.5 seconds until I realized the Miss America pageant was basically spanking material for lonely men in a time when there wasn’t any Internet porn.  Now that there’s Internet porn, there’s no reason to watch it.

I mean, really, when was the last time you watched it?  I haven’t watched it in many moons.

Ehh, let’s be honest though.  It’s not like they’re going to remove the swimsuit portion and then suddenly give it to some smart scientist woman who has a big brain but looks like Rosie O’Donnell or something.

They’ll just give it to the hottest chick in the evening wear competition.

I actually wonder if they’re doing this because Trump is president now and wasn’t he the big beauty pageant mogul for awhile?  I don’t remember exactly if he had any sway over Miss America but maybe when he was working in entertainment, casinos, the hot chick model industry, he might have been able to put his two cents in and put the kibosh on this tomfoolery.  Giving up power over the hot babe modeling industry to become the leader of the free world.  Sheesh.  Way to prioritize, Donald.

What say you, 3.5 readers?  My feeling is either it’s an antiquated contest where women compete like cattle at the county fair livestock auction and should be retired or otherwise keep it, but let’s not pretend it’s like a great competition of intelligence and talent when the hottest chick is just going to win anyway.

Americans really do love their BS.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – The Dancing Doctor

I read this story on CNN and I think I’m about to pack it in, 3.5 readers.

The desire for fame apparently knows no bounds.

If you didn’t click the link, I’ll try to summarize.  There’s an Atlanta surgeon and she had a YouTube channel where she sings, dances, and raps while cutting into patients, even having assistants join in.  You can see clips in the CNN story.  The vids have been taken down from her YouTube channel but you can still find some about the Internet.  I can’t be sure, but, to me anyway, it looks like she moved the scalpel to the beat in one video.  Again, I’m no expert so I don’t want to say that for sure.  I could be wrong but…well, I hope I’m wrong.  Scalpels should be moved, you know, according to medical rules and not to a funky beat.

If she’d done this on her own time…maybe out of the hospital, made a fun video where she raps and dances over a fake patient, it would be ok.  A fun self promo.

But…I mean, even if the patients can’t be identified…you just see stomachs and so on…if you go to a doctor to get surgery, you didn’t sign up to have your body parts shown online and how she didn’t realize the world is small and that wouldn’t eventually get back to someone who would complain.

I don’t know.  Social media has brought out our worst instincts.  Sometimes I’m a champion for social media.  It gives a voice to people who were previously voiceless.

But then I just wonder if the old way was better.  Become famous by, you know, actually doing something.  Otherwise, it’s just acting a fool for the camera.

I worry about that with this blog.  I have been thinking about shutting it all down lately.  I have beaten myself up for years for not becoming super rich and famous and successful, as if it were somehow easy and I didn’t pull that off a tree as if fame is low hanging fruit easily within reach.  But maybe I just did my best within the limits I have and the cards I was dealt and maybe my free time would be better spent walking in the park, or working on my health, taking a bike ride, getting a new hobby…

I have no idea.  I like to think my writing is somehow constructive…but I feel like a jackass, waving my hands along the information superhighway.  “Look at me!  Notice me!  Pay attention to me!”

I mean, it’s not as bad as this woman but perhaps this blog is just a form of doing jumping jacks to get noticed.

Stuff like this just leaves me depressed.  This woman is a doctor.  Probably paid well.  Obtained knowledge and a skill few can handle.  Probably could have written and/or made serious content about doctoring and just….no.  I’m sorry.  You shouldn’t go in for surgery and end up with your naked stomach on YouTube.

We need to invent time travel and get young Mark Zuckerberg laid so he never kicks off this social media mess.  Everyone was better off where they said, “Fuck it, I didn’t find fame by 25, so time to get serious about regular life.”

Ugh.  Seriously.  This depresses me.

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Movie Review – Breaking In (2018)

This is the best worst movie I’ve seen in awhile, 3.5 readers.  For more on that, you’re going to have to “break in” to this review.

Ha!  See what I did there?  Hilarious.

Gabrielle Union, who gave me a boner when I saw “Bad Boys II” oh so many years ago, is back and kicking ass as a fierce mama grizzly trying to save her kids from a crew of home invaders.

At a casual glance, the plot seems solid.  Nothing beats a mother’s love and mothers love their kids so much that they can gain all kinds of focus, strength and determination in order to rescue their babies.

The problem is that the script is full of plot holes and it really could have used a tune-up.

The crooks, led by Eddie (Billy Burke) are total incompetents who, despite there being four of them, broke into a house to steal the millions hidden inside (unknown to Gabby at first though, well, I won’t give too much away.)

After breaking in, they spend a way too large chunk of time debating and arguing with each other, where is the money, how will they find the money, how will they find the mom and the kids and it’s just like, holy shit, these crooks are the most incompetent bunch of thieves I have ever seen.  They make the “Sons of Anarchy” look like rocket scientists.

It’s a thriller and the Gabster flips the script on the ne’er-do-wells, hunting the hunted, performing all sorts of bad ass take downs along the way.

It’s a good premise that needed work.  Questions loom large.  I know many of these flicks come with a required “suspend disbelief” mindset, but mysteries/thrillers usually do require holes to be plugged (phrasing.)

On a more positive note, I try to be colorblind in all facets of my life, so perhaps its blase for me to point out issues of color here, but I’m doing so in what I hope is a positive way.  We need more movies like this.  I mean, with better plots but still, notice that the heroine is black.  The people in peril are a black family.  Mom is hardworking, nurturing mother.  Kids are typical – the boy crazy teenage girl always on her phone.  The bratty younger brother who lives to annoy his sister.

The bad guys are mostly white, with one stereotypical hispanic bad guy thrown in (covered in tats, accent, etc.)

But it’s not a racial story, or a black vs. white story.  It’s just a story of good versus evil, of a family going about their business only to be attacked by incompetent burglars.  Race doesn’t matter.  You root for the Mom to win.  You root for the kids to be safe.  You root for the baddies to pay.  Right is right and wrong is wrong, no matter the races of the parties involved.

Hollywood tends to make a lot of big budget feature films with black leads, but they are often historical in nature – i.e. stories about slavery, oppression, injustice.  All good ways of educating the public but sometimes black people need to take the lead in a good old fashioned popcorn movie.  At no point in this film is race ever discussed.  You go.  You chew your popcorn.  You watch Gabby defeat the bumbling crooks.  That’s about it.

I just feel Hollywood could repair some of the (self-inflicted) damage to its rep as of late by throwing a black actor/actress into popcorn movies like this one.

But then again, what do I know?  I only have a blog with 3.5 readers.

STATUS:  Shelf worthy, but only because it’s fun to make fun of how bad the plot is.  Seriously.  At one point, the crooks debate their plans so much you wonder if they are going to break at podiums and form a model UN.  But bonus points that Christa Miller, aka Drew Carey’s love interest on the “Drew Carey Show” which you have never heard of unless you’re 1,000 years old like me.  Gabby is still a source of boner inspiration, so maybe this will be her comeback.

 

I Need 10 More Likes for My Facebook Page

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

It annoys me that my Facebook like counter has been around 790 for awhile now.  Could you and 9 of your friends like it and get me up to a semi-respectable 800?

Come to think of it, while you’re at it, I could use more followers on Twitter.

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Movie Review – Red Sparrow (2018)

Spies!  Communism!  Boobies!

BQB here with a review of “Red Sparrow.”

It’s every red-blooded, God-fearing American man’s worst nightmare – to hook up with a super hot chick only to discover that she’s a Russian spy.

Luckily, that’s never happened to me.  I’m so ugly that if a woman comes onto me, I automatically assume she’s a foreign intelligence agent.

Joke’s on her.  There’s no intelligence to be found here.  :::rimshot:::

Jennifer Lawrence stars as Dominika, a ballerina whose career is cut short due to an injury, recruited to become a “sparrow” aka to receive training on how to gather intelligence by seducing men with the power of her vagina.  What a heavy responsibility, to have to spy for your country with the power of your lady parts.

My main observation is that I doubt there would ever be a school to teach women how to lead men down a path of self-destruction, not because women aren’t into that but because they usually know how to do that naturally anyway.  Sorry, bringing my own personal baggage into this review.

Going into it, I thought this would be a pretty standard spy flick, but it actually did catch my attention, and not just because you get to see J-Law’s hooters (possibly her butt though I’d wager it’s a stunt butt double).  It’s refreshing to see boobs in a movie.  You so rarely get to see them anymore.

I don’t want to give away too much of the plot.  Suffice to say, her first assignment is to seduce American CIA operative Nick Nash (Joel Edgerton) and as the film progresses, Dominika starts playing both the Russians and Americans.  At times, you begin to wonder which side she is on, has she chosen an allegiance, or is she just playing both sides off the other for personal gain?

Hard to say, but I like a movie that a) keeps you guessing and b) shows boobs.

STATUS:  Come for the sweater puppets.  Stay for the intrigue.

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Bookshelf Battle Cast – Ep. 005 – Which Classic Book Should BQB Read Next?

Hey 3.5 listeners.

Sorry to disappoint.  I really left things to the last minute this month, barely getting a brief, bare bones episode of the Bookshelf Battle Cast out for May.  Nothing much to it other than a brief shout out and a request for suggestions for classic, public domain books I can read on the show.

I’ll be back in June to read Chapter 2 of the Hound of the Baskervilles by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

 

 

 

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