Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

Movie Review – Father Figures (2017)

Who’s your Daddy?

No, seriously, these guys want to know.

BQB here with a review of “Father Figures.”

Every holiday season, Hollywood puts out at least one vapid, forgettable comedy.  The jokes are predictable, the plot is lame, and while it provides a little bit of entertainment during your Yuletide downtime, you won’t exactly be watching this film over and over again.

Going into it, “Father Figures” feels like that, and it is in many ways but I’ll give it credit.  It is a tad better than the usual holiday comedy fare.

Ed Helms and Owen Wilson are twin brothers in their forties.  Owen has coasted through life, always lucking his way into riches.  Ed works hard, does everything right but can never get ahead.

When their mother (Glenn Close) gets married late in life, she confides a secret to the boys – the man who she had long said was their father never was.  He’s still out there and due to her promiscuous 1970s disco lifestyle, there are a lot of potential paternal candidates.

From there, the film becomes a mad cap road trip romp as the dudes hunt down various men who may be their pappies.

Football legend Terry Bradshaw (as himself), JK Simmons, Christopher Walken and some other guy I’ve seen in a lot of films but I’m too lazy to look up his name all take turns as possible dads to these two dummies.  Honestly, the “father search” more or less serves as a plot device that allows the duo to meet and go on adventures with a bunch of old men.  The movie becomes a series of skits tied behind a flimsy premise.

Along the way, Ed and Owen pick up Katt Williams, who joins the quest and shows he has some range.  At first, I was disappointed that Katt didn’t do his usual pimp character, but after awhile I realized this was Katt’s chance to prove he could do something other than that and honestly, he does shine.  While I hope he doesn’t completely give up his pimp-ness, this may be the start of more in-depth roles for our favorite pimp comedian.

STATUS:  It’s always good when you think a movie will suck only for it to not suck as much as you thought it would.  Shelf-worthy.

 

 

 

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Movie Review – The Mountain Between Us (2017)

Love in the time of plane crashes.

BQB here with a review of the sappy love fest, “The Mountain Between Us.”

Two strangers, a photojournalist (Kate Winslet) and a surgeon (Idris Elba), share a plane ride only to end up stranded in a frozen wasteland when their plane crashes.

Lost, cold, and with only a dog to keep them company, the duo set out to seek civilization, only to squabble before they find love.  Alas, it’s forbidden love.  Both have ongoing issues that prevent a relationship between them and yet the stress urges them to seek solace in one another’s naughty parts.  Will they?  Won’t they?  Will they freeze to death before they get to bang?  What if they bang and then freeze together and get stuck like that?

A bit clichéd and predictable, this is an Oscar lite production that allows Winslet and Elba to exercise their acting muscles while exploring the age old question of what to do when love breaks out in the most inconvenient, unexpected of times.

Two great actors but the writing is a tad blah.  There’s clearly an attempt to go full blown dramatic.  Every five seconds there’s a new, “Oh my God they’re suffering so much please don’t let it get any worse for them but….OH MY GOD! It got so much worse!!!”

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  The dog is the best actor in the film.

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Fridays with BQB

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Hey 3.5 readers.

So, you’ve heard of “Tuesdays with Morrie?”

Well, the bad news is that I’m not a feisty old man with a zest for life and a lot of wisdom to impart.

The good news is that I’m not dying.

Wait, you all think that’s BAD news?  Why, with 3.5 friends like you, who needs 3.5 enemies?

Anyway, I need to promote more, to get this fine blog out into the Inter Webs more and to be more social, so I’m going to start a new feature.  Every Friday, there will be an interview, usually with a self-publisher but I’m sure I’ll branch out to bloggers, podcasters, YouTubers, any creative person who is doing it on his/her own.

Anyone interested in participating?  Anyone know of a good candidate?

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New Year Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Fart more.

Eat more.

Be ruder.

Smell worse.

Do less.

Procrastinate more…tomorrow.

Exercise less.

Watch more TV.

Play more video games.

Be lazier.

Read less.

Fail more.

Don’t be productive.

Eat more candy.

Don’t get out and meet anyone.

Get fatter.

 

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Back in business!

Happy New Year, 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  Just got my brand new Surface Book 2.  Gotta say, I’m pretty impressed.  The future is here!

Turns from a computer to a tablet and back again seamlessly.  Going to take me awhile to figure it all out but one thing I like is that you can snap windows so you can do two things at once.

For example, right now I am blogging to my 3.5 readers and also watching Guardians of the Galaxy 2 on Netflix.

Does anyone really need to do two things at once?  I don’t know.  But it’s cool that you can.

I actually can see some useful potential, i.e. being able to put the blog on the left, Word on the right and cut and paste between the two.

It’s definitely cooler than any computer I’ve had thus far.  Nothing like I thought a computer would be like or do, say, ten years ago.

I treated myself to a brand spankin’ new one, but fun fact – if you’re interested, Amazon has the original 1 version of the Surface Book for around 800 something bucks.  i5 processor but still, a Surface book 2 with an i5 will run you about 1400 so, take advantage if you want a version of the Surface Book that won’t break the bank.

Sadly, I chose to break the bank.  But oh well, that just means I can’t buy any covers for books I won’t be publishing anytime soon for awhile.

 

My Computer Died

Sad news 3.5 readers. My MacBook died. Apple doesn’t crack, my ass. Oh well, in the meantime enjoy my back catalog.

I have ordered a Microsoft Surface Book so this fine blog should return to normal operations soon.

I’m sad to report though that 50,000 out of 100,000 edited words of Toilet Gator were lost in the destruction and now I must restart the entire process.

This sucks and Franklin should sue Apple for making the world wait longer for the release of the best novel ever written about Toilet gators.

Movie Review – Bright (2017)

Orcs, elves and humans, oh my!

BQB here with a review of the fantasy buddy cop thriller, Bright.

Netflix continues to wage war on conventional cinema, streaming a summer blockbuster type movie, helmed by veteran sci-fi action star Will Smith.

BQB here with a review of the fantasy buddy cop thriller, Bright.

Netflix continues to wage war on conventional cinema, streaming a summer blockbuster type movie, helmed by veteran sci-fi action star Will Smith.

In alternate world of this film, humans, orcs and elves co-exist in the modern world of today.  Despite historic tensions due to past conflicts, the three races try, more or less, to get along, though biases and suspicions continue.

Life is not easy for Nick Jakoby (Joel Edgerton), an orc cop who straddles the lines of two worlds and is hated by the residents of both of them.  Orcs, relegated to being impoverished, inner city dwelling second class citizens, despise him because he’s a cop and orcs feel that cops unfairly target them.  Cue scene of an orc getting wailed on in a savage act of police brutality.

Humans aren’t found of Jakoby either.  Orcs, according to human sensibilities, aren’t pleasant to look at and they took the wrong side in an ancient war.  They basically view him as an untrustworthy animal.

Jakoby is just Jakoby, a normal dude who, despite his orc-ish appearance, is just trying to make it in the world.  He likes burritos and giving his partner health tips and other dorky things.  But depending who you ask, he’s a pussy (according to the orcs) or a beast (according to the humans.)

Ward (Will Smith), has an equally tough time as Jakoby’s partner.  On the one hand, human cops demand that he find a way to trip the orc up and run him off the force.  On the other, he feels that bond of loyalty that any cop feels towards his partner.

Against this backdrop, an elf bright (i.e. a rare user of magic, Lucy Fry as “Tikka”) is on the run and in possession of a magic wand.  In this world, a wand is considered the equivalent of a loose nuclear weapon, something that if it were to fall in the wrong hands, could be used to unleash death and destruction.

The wand is valuable as it can grant whoever wields it untold power, so naturally, the various groups who want it begin stacking up.  Mexican and orcish gangsters, corrupt cops, Federal agents and rogue elves all hunt Jakoby and Ward as they seek to off the dynamic duo and abscond with the wand.

I have to say, the negative reviews of this film are undeserved.  Here’s the deal.  THIS FILM IS <GASP> ORIGINAL!  It’s a new idea.  It’s fresh.  It features a childish concept (i.e. orcs and elves and magic) and infuses it with adult themes (i.e. swears, over the top violence, gunfights and lots and lots of naked titties.)

A Hollywood suit would have been within his rights to put the kibosh on this project for fear that it wouldn’t find an audience.  Kids who like magic can’t come and adults who like violence and titties might be turned off by magic.

But this film is good and it proves that Netflix will persevere as an outlet for films that are original, experimental, on the edge and can’t find a home elsewhere.

The film serves as an interesting vehicle for dialog about racial issues.  Ironically, the main human in the film, Ward, a black man, must fight his own internal biases against orcs (he was once shot by one so now trusts none of them) in order to save the day with his orc parter.

Good writing.  A lot of showing instead of telling.  Good world building.  The rules have been established so sequels are entirely possible.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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I’m So Proud of the Toilet Gator Covers

TOILET GATOR:

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Book 2 – Son of Toilet Gator:

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Book 3 – Toilet Gator in Space:

toilet_gator_in_space

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Somewhere Over the Rainbow vs. There’s No Place Like Home

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB again.  Really, who else would it be?

Another observation about “The Wizard of Oz.”

There are two sentiments expressed in this movie, and they are very much opposed to one another.

In the beginning, Dorothy sings, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” i.e. somewhere out there is a whole shit ton of happiness…it’s out there, I swear.  It’s coming just around the corner.  It’s right there…over the rainbow.  You can’t get over a rainbow?  You can see the rainbow but you can’t get over it?  Don’t worry.  That amazing happiness is coming.

Then at the end, that bitch Glenda tells Dorothy that her ruby slippers held the power to bring her back to Kansas all along.  I call Glenda a bitch because she could have told Dorothy up front that her slippers could bring her back home and saved her a lot of trouble.

However, Glenda makes a good point.  Dorothy had to struggle through various ordeals in order to figure out that her happiness wasn’t in a fantasyland but it was at her home all along.

To put it all together, Dorothy thinks life in Kansas sucks big time balls.  She has to do chores and live on a shitty farm and get bossed around by Aunty Em and there’s an old bitch in the neighborhood who is constantly trying to murder her dog.

So she dreams of a better life in a better place.  But then she gets there and learns it is even harder.  To get anywhere good in Oz, she has to fight a witch that can throw fireballs, fend off winged monkeys, venture into a spooky forest, and help three assholes find their heart, courage and brains, respectively.

In short, she was better off at home.

Are you better off at home than chasing a dream?  Hard to say.  Dorothy fought through all the bullshit only to find out that her dream, i.e. a magical wizard named Oz who could grant all her wishes, was just a dumb ass hiding behind a screen.

Your dream might be real.  To get there, you might have to fight through a lot of shit and, well, yeah, you might get there and your dream might turn out to be bullshit, the equivalent of a charlatan working a fake head from behind a screen.

So maybe you are better off at home….better off in your shitty farm house with your Aunt and Uncle who love you and three apparently single, middle-aged farm hands who are capable of viewing a young girl as their friend and not engage in any perverted activities because it was the 1930s Midwest and adults were considered to only have good intentions toward children, not all how perverted and messed up it is today.

What do you think, 3.5 readers?  Is happiness over the rainbow, or is it at home?

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