What is your favorite Christmas carol 3.5 readers? I have to go with Jingle Bells.
Jingle Bells, the Yeti smells, my blog has laid an egg..
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Author Archives: bookshelfbattle
RIP Alan Thicke
Hey 3.5 readers.
This sad pop culture news just in. Alan Thicke, the actor who played Jason Seaver on Growing Pains, has died at age 69. He was one of the great 1980s sitcom ads and I feel like I hear his fix your tax problem commercials every five minutes on the radio.
Very sad news. He will be missed.
Who Is Ready for Star Wars: Rogue One this Friday?
Hey 3.5 Scruffy Looking Nerf Herders.
Your old pal BQB Solo here.
Just an informal poll, who is looking forward to the new Star Wars movie this Friday?
As nerds, what needs to be in the film to make you happy?
BQB’s Walking Dead Recap – Episode 706 – “Swear”
Hello 3.5 zombie apocalypse survivors.
Your old pal BQB here.
Boy howdy am I behind on The Walking Dead.
I blame the Yeti. That furry douche never lets me do anything.
If you’ve seen beyond this episode, I’d appreciate it if you don’t spoil anything. If you haven’t seen up to this episode, look away as things will be spoiled for you.
So this was an episode for Tara’s character to really shine. That’s done from time to time, where a bit player is given their own episode and we learn more about him/her.
Here, we learn that Tara relies on a good sense of humor.
She’s taken captive by a group of females. I was hoping there would be an awesome backstory to this. Maybe they’re a bunch of man hating Amazon lesbian warriors who take advantage of the zompoc to create their own lesbian warrior enclave but alas, no, that’s not the case at all.
What was here friend’s name? The guy with the dreads? P? Pete? I don’t know. Notice that zombie we are led to think might be him was wearing a dress though and there are some tracks next to his broken glasses.
So either What’s-his-name was zombified and then someone came along and put a dress on his zombified body or more likely, a woman who looks like him was zombified and he was able to escape.
We’ll find out.
There’s a part where Tara could be all about herself but she thinks of the greater good and of those who helped her so…that’s nice. Moments like that don’t happen often.
The goofy sunglasses said it all really.
I have two more episodes to catch up on!
Top Ten Observations After Watching A Christmas Story (1983)
Hey 3.5 readers.
I’ve seen this movie a million times since childhood and happened to watch it again recently. It’s funny how the older your get, the more things you notice.
Thus, without further ado, and I have to do this quick before the Yeti finds out, it’s my Top Ten Observations About A Christmas Story (1983).
#10 – Life is Hard
Yeah, obvious, but still, I notice this more as an adult than I did as a kid. As a kid I just thought Ralphie’s father was an old grumpy bastard. Now I know why he’s old and grumpy. You work all day and then come home to a house where shit breaks every five minutes and you have to spend all your free time fixing it because if you can’t then you have to shell out some of that money you worked so hard for. No wonder the old man swears so much. Consarn it rabbin blast it!
#9 – Baby Boomers Love Cowboys
Cowboys to baby boomers are what Transformers/GI Joe were to Generation X and Avengers and Spongebob Squarepants and Complaining About Literally Everything were/are to Millennials. Ralphie was a little baby boomer kid. He grew up watching cowboy movies. He wants to get a Red Ryder BB gun so he can pretend to be a cowboy. Shooting his eye out is not a concern, though it really should be. Which brings us to…
#8 – Parents Coddle More
May be a good thing in some instances and not so good in other cases. Honestly, I have no idea a parent could give a BB gun to a kid and not suddenly worry about, well yes, not just the kid shooting his eye out but also the ensuing hospital bills and having to take care of the kid when he is an adult because his employment prospects will be limited due to his one eye. Also – lawsuits and shit in the event Ralphie shoots some other kid in the eye. Back in the old days, Ralphie’s father could have just settled up with another injured kid’s father with either fisticuffs or cash on the barrel head but now the lawyers ruin everything. Thanks lawyers.
#7 – Poor Flick
Flick gets his tongue stuck to the flag pole. (Never lick a flag pole, especially during the winter, but seriously, there’s no reason for you to lick a flag pole at any time of the year, weirdo).
As soon as the firemen and cops get Flick unstuck, he immediately returns to class with a bandaged up tongue.
Today, the kid would be out of school at least a month in order to go on all the TV shows that would want to interview him on account of his story as the flag pole licker going viral on social media. Surely a Kickstarter would be started to pay for his tongue repair bills.
He’d be branded for life as the flag pole licker but at least he’d get to host SNL or throw out the first pitch at a baseball game or something.
#6 – Little Orphan Annie Decoder Ring
Do orphans even exist now? Annie would be like “Little Foster Child Annie” or something. But yes, I sympathize with Ralphie when he drinks a shit ton of Ovaltine just to win a decoder ring that allows him to decode a message that urges him to “drink more Ovaltine.”
In short, Madison Avenue has been hoodwinking kids with advertising gimmicks for years.
Also, Ovaltine isn’t bad. You can still find it in stores. It’s just chocolate milk mix with vitamins in it and shit. Delicious.
#5 – Kids Choke Up When They See Santa
You see it in the Santa scene but it happens in real life too. The kid waits and waits and waits in line to see Santa and then when he gets up there on Santa’s lap, he starts crying then chokes worse than the Cleveland Indians.
What? Too soon? My bad.
Kudos to Ralphie for at least having the guts to climb back up the slide and demand his Red Ryder.
#4 – Having a Sibling is a Pain in the Ass
In some ways, having a sibling is a good thing. Your sibling is your introduction to the concept that the world doesn’t revolve around you and that someone will always be there to criticize you and complain about you and take shit from you no matter what you do.
Don’t like that your brother stole your toy, ate the last cookie, or changed the TV channel? Good luck when you grow up and your boss wants to downsize your department, your company wants to lay you off and your wife wants to see other people but still wants to keep seeing your bank account.
#3 – Bullies Are Also a Pain in the Ass
Scott Farkus is a dick. And while he probably deserved a slap, he is just a kid himself and didn’t really deserve an epic beat down. Ralphie lost his cool. When he gets his senses back, he realizes he should have just walked away and feels bad. Hooray. Ralphie learns from his mistakes and won’t grow up to become a serial killer now that he knows right from wrong.
#2 – Siblings Stick By You
Yes, they are pains in the ass. Yes, Randy laughs at Ralphie’s failures. But, when the chips are down, Randy hides in the cupboard and cries because he is certain his dear brother will meet his demise when his father hears about the big fight. That’s love.
#1 – Things Aren’t Always Bad As They Seem
Ralphie cries all afternoon, certain his father will go off on him when he learns about the fight. Luckily, Ralphie’s mother knows just how to handle Ralphie’s father. She mentions it in passing as if it is no big deal and as part of a whole series of subjects, then quickly switches the subject to a story about a football game in the paper. Thus, she’s told her husband so he can’t complain about not knowing about it later. However, the old man is tired and his mind can only handle so many subjects, so he sees his wife doesn’t seem to be too worried and Ralphie is still alive so he doesn’t care and returns to his paper.
Adults have too much adult shit to worry about, kids.
Movie Trailer – Spiderman: Homecoming (2017)
Hey 3.5.
BQB here, still posting behind the Yeti’s back. Shh! Don’t tell him.
The trailer for Spiderman: Homecoming is out and it looks like the best Spiderman movie in awhile.
The first two Tobey Maguire movies in the early 2000s were great then they hit a wall with the third one. Emo Spiderman. Blah.
The most recent two were fine but didn’t really knock my socks off.
Here, it looks like they’ve come up with a great idea, setting Spiderman in the world of the Avengers and making Tony Stark his mentor. It makes sense. Tony is a scientist. Peter is a wannabe scientist.
We don’t need need to see yet another origin story where Peter is bitten by the radioactive spider and he doesn’t stop the robber and the robber shoots Uncle Ben so from then on Spiderman pledges to never let anyone down again and so on.
We’ve got it.
Yet, while we don’t need an origin story, we do need an explanation as to what this current incarnation of a character is all about. That’s why the latest DC movies have been struggling.
No, we don’t need another movie about young Bruce Wayne seeing his parents getting shot (shot parents/guardians create so many super heroes).
But yes, we could have used a movie to explain what this version of Batman is all about.
If you missed, SPOILER ALERT – in the latest Captain America film, we were given an introduction to Spider Man. It was good. It was all we needed. Now we know what makes this current version of Spidey tick. Now he can hit the ground running in his own movie without any need for devoting half the film to the spider bite and the Uncle Ben sadness.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Man Breaks Up Fight On Subway With Potato Chips (Or, Snack Man)
Hey 3.5 readers.
So, I’m about four years late in hearing about this which, I know, shocker, I’m such a pop culture guru.
But this one flew under my radar until I saw it recently.
In 2012, a fight broke out between a man and a woman on a subway train. As you can see in this CNN video, they go after each other pretty good. You can hear bystanders yell things like, “Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!” to no avail.
But then a man just nonchalantly walks between them and starts eating potato chips.
Somehow, this act deescalated the situation. I’m no expert but my assumption is that when two people are angry at each other, emotion takes over and they focus on their anger and tune out the outside world. The people telling them to stop become background noise and I have to assume that had someone tried to pull one of them away, he may have gotten hurt.
But “Snack Man” just walked through the scene, acting kind of obtuse, like he didn’t really know what the two were doing (so they couldn’t necessarily be mad at him) but also became a reminder to the two people that there were other people on the train that were witnessing them so they should chill out.
Eh, I mean, me personally, I wouldn’t advise anyone to put themselves at risk and even though the tactic worked in this instance, another attempt at being “Snack Man” could very well lead to a valiant potato chip eater getting the chips slapped out of his face, but otherwise, the video is an interesting social science experiment caught on film:
What say you, 3.5 readers?
A Message From The Yeti
Hello 3.5 weirdos.
It is I, the Yeti, controller of the Bookshelf Battle Blog. Do not let Bookshelf Q. Battler fool you. I am in charge.
Yes, it has come to my conclusion that this nerd has been sneaking posts onto the blog around my back but no more! I have imprisoned BQB in the deepest, darkest reaches below the BQB HQ, where he will sit in a cage forever and listen to nothing but the audio version of Firefly fan fiction. Muah ha ha!
In the meantime, you must all now do boring things. Maybe boredom is in the eye of the beholder so rather than suggest boring things for you to do, I will instead order all 3.5 of you to do whatever it is that you find boring.
Thank and remember, stop doing non-boring things.
Sincerely,
The Yeti, International Fuzzy War Criminal/Incredibly Boring Snow Beast
Movie Review – Ip Man Movie Series (2008-Present)
Holy Crap, 3.5 readers.
Once in awhile a nerd blogger gets to discover something that is under the radar and share it with his 3.5 readers so that they too may take part in the joy.
And my new joy is…Ip Man!!!
Put on some loose clothing and start practicing your sweet kung fu moves, because BQB is here with a review of the Ip Man movie series.
OBLIGATORY SPOILER ALERT
I’ve seen this movie on Netflix for years and like many films, I just shrugged my shoulders and went, “Meh.” Due to my lack of understanding of the Chinese language, I assumed “Ip Man” was some kind of superhero. I thought the title was “IP man” as if he saves artists from the infringement of their intellectual property or something but no. I was wrong.
I’ve long been a fan of martial arts movies so I finally got around to giving this one a try and wow.
These films are based on the life of Ip Man (in English his last name is Ip and his first name is Man) the legendary Master of Wing Chun Kung Fu. Wing Chun, as I’ve learned through the power of Google, is a style that relies on defense and is especially effective in close quarter combat. Also, it was invented by a woman, so there you go, ladies.
In reality, “Master Ip” is considered one of the great practitioners of Wing Chun, having done a great deal to promote it, including teaching it to his most well-known student, Bruce Lee.
The films are produced out of Hong Kong and have English subtitles, but otherwise they feature the special effects, moves and sound of any Hollywood blockbuster. I’m no historian but I do assume some “liberties” are taken with the history of Master Ip’s life as he does things that no human could probably do but that’s ok. Movies do that with historical figures all the time.
Ip Man 1 (2008) begins with a young Master Ip (Donnie Yen) who lives an affluent life in fo Shan, a place that is prosperous, allowing the residents to pursue martial arts in their spare time.
Alas, World War II breaks out and the Japanese attack and take over. Master Ip and his family and friends are left to live lousy, destitute lives filled with hunger and fear.
People are so hungry that they are willing to take rice in exchange for becoming a Japanese general’s punching bags as he practices karate. Master Ip gets his chance to avenge fo Shan, but must choose between practicality and letting the general win or honor and beating his ass.
In Ip Man 2 (2010), Master Ip and family move to Hong Kong, where the master opens up a Wing Chun school. He scraps with local kung fu masters who feel he must prove his worthiness before joining them in opposing a Western British boxer who insults them and kills one of their beloved masters.
Finally, I haven’t seen Ip Man 3 (2015) yet. Based on the above preview, Ip Man fights Mike Tyson. I’m a little confused by that. I assume Mike Tyson plays a historical character or something. I don’t think Master Ip gets in a time machine to fight Mike in the present.
I’ll have to watch it and get back to you. Often, kung fu films are high on action and low in plot, but the first two films break that trend. So I’m hoping an awesome story that involves Mike Tyson is worked in.
Even if it isn’t, I could over look it as honestly, the Ip vs Mike scene does look pretty awesome.
Donnie Yen, the actor/martial artist who plays Master Ip deserves a lot of props. In true kung fu style, he is stoic and focused, never looking for a fight but ending it once it starts. He comes across as someone who is reflective and studied, who uses martial arts as a manner of being disciplined, but isn’t one to let atrocity go unchecked.
They’re great films. The only thing I’d note is apparently a number of studios, seeing this series’ success, have created their own Ip Man films. I haven’t seen them so they may be fine, but be sure to watch the Donnie Yen films first.
Donnie Yen really needs to come to America and kick some ass in Hollywood. He’s got the moves and the fight scenes (which are not skimped on and come practically every few minutes) are brilliant, breathtaking and a fun spectacle to watch. He does this thing where he gets his opponent locked down, then delivers a hail of rapid fire punches, something I’ve never seen in a movie before.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Available on Netflix. My nerd style is far superior to your geek style.
Giraffe Sex Song
Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here.
I was filled with dismay to read on CNN that giraffes are in danger of going extinct.
Giraffes are such wonderful creatures that I felt an immediate need to do something.
So, I made some calls to some of the music business peeps I met in my Funky Hunks days and to my delight, I am now going to turn this post over to Barry Yellowspots, the only giraffe in the world capable of singing 1970s Barry White style love ballads.
Barry, take it away.
BARRY:
Aww, yeah thank you BQB.
:::Cue 1970s love ballad music:::
Do you readers know what time it is?
ALL FEMALE CHORUS:
What time is it?
BARRY:
It’s time to get freaky!
CHORUS:
Oooh, freaky!
BARRY:
It’s time to get nasty!
CHORUS:
Nasty!
BARRY:
It’s time….for giraffes to fuck!
CHROUS:
Start fuckin’ giraffes!
BARRY:
Girl, I see you across the savannah.
It’s like I’m in heaven and you are my manna.
We’re just a couple of spotted sheep-horse creatures.
And everyone knows our long ass necks are our greatest feature.
CHORUS:
Greatest feature!
BARRY:
We’re living proof that Darwin was right!
Because all those short ass little necked giraffes who couldn’t reach the highest leaves on the tree sure as hell ain’t fuckin’ tonight!
CHORUS:
Dead giraffes don’t fuck!
BARRY:
Now girl, no means no and if that’s your answer I’ll take it.
But if you’ve sworn a vow of chastity, please, oh please won’t you break it?
We’re the closest thing the world has to a unicorn.
And once we’re gone, the world will surely mourn.
CHORUS:
The world will mourn!
BARRY:
So girl, let me turn you on with my manly neck muscle flex.
‘Cuz it’s time for us to have…some hot and sweaty giraffe sex.
CHORUS:
Giraffe sex!
BARRY:
Whoa, uh oh Giraffe sex!
CHORUS:
Giraffe sex!
BARRY:
You thought we giraffes were all shit out of luck.
But don’t worry world, cuz we’re totally gonna fuck!
Whoa, uh oh, giraffe sex!
CHORUS:
Giraffe sex!
BARRY:
Girl, don’t you know this is what the world needs?
CHORUS:
The world needs it!
BARRY:
For all of us giraffes to get together and breed!
CHORUS:
Giraffe breeding!
BARRY:
Now girl, just be cool as I get into position.
For giraffes are endangered and I’m on a reproductive mission.
This ain’t about you or me baby it’s about the world.
And all the baby giraffes we’re about to unfurl.
Whoa, uh oh giraffe sex!
CHORUS:
Giraffe sex!
BARRY:
Don’t you know it’s the only way?
A bunch of horny ass giraffes must save the day!
CHORUS:
Save the day!
BARRY:
Damn baby, you wouldn’t know it because I got my neck leaned so far backwards it’s in the next county.
But if you could see my face, you’d see me smiling because of all of that sweet lady giraffe booty bounty.
CHORUS:
Giraffe booty bounty!
BARRY:
Don’t even worry about giraffe fellatio.
I’d have to climb up onto a damn tree just to make that a go.
Oh and girl, don’t even get me started on giraffe cunnilingus.
CHORUS:
Giraffe cunnilingus!
BARRY:
That would require an entire football field between us.
CHORUS:
So much between us!
BARRY:
Whoah, uh oh, giraffe sex!
CHORUS:
Giraffe sex!
BARRY:
Look, I swear this isn’t an elaborate scheme to get all up in that giraffe cooter!
CHORUS:
Giraffe cooter!
BARRY:
Whoa, uh oh, giraffe sex!
CHORUS:
Giraffe sex!
BARRY:
Giraffe extinction is real, just look it up on your giraffe computer!
BQB: Thank you Barry and thank you 3.5 readers for educating yourselves on the need for giraffes to start fucking. If you know a giraffe couple, please, I urge you, encourage them to fuck.
Put on a slow jam. Set the mood lighting. Pour them some wine and then politely tell them that they shouldn’t wait around for “the perfect giraffe” to come along because, hey, there’s a giraffe right there to fuck.
You know me, 3.5 readers. I’m all about charity. I’m against Lightning Infused Toilet Pastry Toilet Death. I’m a proponent of #OscarSoPretty and now, I’m taking on a new cause…giraffe sex!
Bookshelf Battle 