Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

Jun 12 2016
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Movie Reviews

Movie Review – Warcraft (2016)

By: Special Guest Video Game Movie Reviewer Video Game Rack Fighter.

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Ms. Fighter – Currently in Training to Defend Her Title in the Upcoming 2016 Car Thief Mayhem World Championship Competition

It’s here! It’s finally here!

The long awaited film based on an online multi-player game is here.

Did it suffer the “video game movies suck curse?”

Read on to find out but beware SPOILERS.

VGRF here with a review of Warcraft.

Movieclips Trailers – Warcraft

Warcraft.  The online game in which humans can choose to be a variety of fantasy characters and fight for virtual power and gold has been around forever, or at least 1996.

That’s right millennials. Some of us were nerding it up before you were born and even before it became chic to declare yourself a nerd.

And now there’s a movie.  It broke the box office in China, bringing in over $145 million this weekend just in that country.  The Chinese love their Warcraft.

Kind of makes me wish I could go back in time and start my own video game company that allows people to pretend to be wizards, warriors, elves, orcs or what have you.

Speaking of orcs, let’s talk about the movie.

Orcs. Long considered the perpetually raging, possibly misunderstood buttholes of the fantasy realm, they’ve destroyed their world and rather than seek to mend their evil orcish ways, they cross through a porthole into the human realm of Azeroth and start conquering and pillaging and generally orcing shit up in true orc fashion.

Hmm. Maybe the Azerothians need to build a wall and make the Orcs pay for it?

Huh? Huh? Crickets. Hmm. Blame BQB. That joke was his idea.

Moving on. Naturally, the humans aren’t going to stand for all this orcish tomfoolery.  From thereon, it’s difficult to figure out who’s who and what’s what because all the human dudes are basically a bunch of long haired hipster beardos who all look alike.

But, if you make an effort to get past that, you’ll see Dominic Cooper as the King Wrynn, Travis Fimmel as Commander Lothar, and Ben Foster as Medivh the Guardian.

I don’t want to give too much away, but suffice to say hi jinx ensue when one orc clan leader has second thoughts about all the evil orcishness and seeks to ally himself with the humans.

Paula Patton plays Garona, the half-human/half-orc and the only one who could possibly bring peace between humans and orcs.

Yeesh. So I assume her father was an orc and her mother was a human.  Her poor, poor mother. She probably didn’t walk right for a year after that.

Crickets? Another joke suggestion from BQB.  Unless you laughed. Then it was all mine.

Ultimately, I don’t think this movie suffers from the “all video game movies suck” curse.

An actual effort was made to develop characters, a plot, a storyline. I won’t spoil the ending but it is obvious that further sequels are in the works.

If you aren’t a nerd or you dislike the fantasy genre, you probably won’t enjoy it.

It is more in line with the traditional fantasy genre style.  Nerds in robes – wizards, elves, dwarves, everyone geeking it up and expecting a nerd audience who knows what all this nerd shit means.

As I watched it, it dawned on me that George RR Martin was able to get a wide, diverse audience into his Song of Ice and Fire (aka Game of Thrones) series because he was able to take so many relatable human problems and insert them into a fantasy world.

But for Warcraft, you’re going to have to be a nerd to enjoy it.

Luckily for you, if you are reading this blog, you already are one.

Visually stunning. Worth to see it on the big screen.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Jun 12 2016
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Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – What’s Up With Orlando?

Uh…hey Orlando, I thought you were the happiest place on Earth.

Eh…seems odd to not say anything about it though all of the usual “I’m offering my prayers” and so on seems nauseating.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Jun 11 2016
2 Comments
Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 110

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The soldiers fired at the rampaging werewolves, but their bullets, with nary a trace of silver in them, were of no use. The wolves just kept coming.

All order was lost. The women gave up on the line and ran towards Illinois. Even some of the men, upon noticing that the soldiers’ attention was diverted, added to the madness by running across the bridge.

Major Culpepper rattled his saber high above his head.

“Halt, filthy dog monsters!” the Major yelled. “By authority of the President of the United States, I command you to…”

“I don’t think they’re listening, sir,” Bartlett said as he emptied his pistol at the werewolves. “And shooting at them is pointless.”

Bartlett snapped to attention and saluted his commanding officer.

“We’ll die with dignity, then sir, for a good soldier would never…”

“Retreat!” Major Culpepper shouted with roughly the same tone of a crying school girl. “Run for your lives! Every man for himself!”

“Oh Hell,” Bartlett said as he ran behind his fearless leader.

The werewolves made it to the bridge. They slashed soldiers and innocent bystanders alike.

Doc flicked his wrists to draw his six-shooters. He was about to take aim at a henchwolf when he felt a tug at his arm.

“Come on!” Annabelle urged him. “Now’s your chance.”

The good doctor surveyed the bridge. So many men were fleeing now. It would have been so easy for him to have joined them.

But then he spotted the Major and the Corporal running towards a very confused Robards.

Each officer gave a the demolition expert a different order.

“Blow the bridge!” the Corporal hollered. “Now! Before it’s too late!”

“Damn it, man!” the Major shouted. “Keep your grimy hands off that plunger until I’m on the other side!”
“What are you two yammering about?” were the last words Robards spoke before Mayhew’s teeth chomped through his carotid artery, spraying blood all over the faces of the Major and the Corporal.

Mayhew pulled the detonation box out of Robards’ hand just before the body of the demolition expert hit the ground. Then he looked at Culpepper and Bartlett and snarled.

“You there!” the clueless Culpepper bellowed. “That is official government property! Set it down at once!”

“But carefully,” Bartlett added.

An indecisive Doc stared at the unfolding chaos between the werewolves and the soldiers, then back to Annabelle’s sweet face. To the soldiers. To Annabelle. Back and forth went his head until he saw Mayhew’s henchwolves reach their claws into Culpepper and Bartlett’s backs and rip out their entrails.

“Woooooo! Wooooooo!”

The train was getting close. It’s whistle was carrying through the air.

With the fate of the nation resting in the paws of a damn dirty werewolf, Doc knew what he had to do.

He snuck one last kiss from and one last glance at his beloved.

“Remember me, my dear.”

Doc walked toward the werewolves, but continued to shout instructions at Annabelle.

“And tell the world of my story.”

The good doctor was free of fear as he stepped down the bridge.

“For when men of great intellect and excessive humility such as myself dare to leave their mark upon the world, even the most scholarly of scribes will scarcely understand how to record the doings of such remarkable men, and thus it is up to the common folk to…”

Doc stopped and turned back.

“Oh right. She’s gone.”

The trio of werewolves surrounded the half-man/half-zombie.

“Right then,” Doc said as he pointed one pistol at a random henchwolf and the other at Mayhew’s head. “I shall be taking that box, my good man.”

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Jun 11 2016
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Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 109

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Doc and Annabelle were out of time. The last of the women folk stepped onto the bridge and Annabelle had to join them.

“Goodbye my love,” Annabelle said as she moved in to plant one last kiss on Doc’s rotting face.

“My dear,” Doc said. “Promise me…”

Annabelle looked away. “Don’t say it.”

Puss oozed from a sore on Doc’s cheek.

“…that you’ll find another…”

“I won’t,” Annabelle said.

Doc persisted. “…man to…”

“I’ll never love another man as much as you,” Annabelle said.

“I was going to say that you must find a man who will do that thing…”

Annabelle looked back at increasingly zombified lover.

“Oh,” she said. “You mean that thing where he…”

Doc nodded.

“And I?”

Doc nodded again.

“And then there’s that other thing that?”

One more nod.

“Well yeah of course,” Annabelle said. “I can’t go my whole life without that.”

One more embrace.

“But you’ll always be the best at it,” Annabelle said.

“Indeed,” Doc replied.

A tear rolled down Doc’s face as he watched the only woman he’d ever loved walked away.

But sadness replaced fear as he found Major Culpepper’s soldiers pointing their rifles his way.

Doc raised his hands.

“Don’t shoot!” Doc said. “I am a man of science!”

The soldiers shot…but not at Doc.

Doc ducked and ran out of the path of the gunfire. He turned to see three werewolves charging the soldiers.

Mayhew and his hench wolves had arrived to clear the bridge.

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Jun 11 2016
4 Comments
Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 108

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Mr. Cobb manned the controls, his paws adjusting various knobs and levers.

“Faster!” Blythe commanded.

The furry engineer shook his head to indicate, “no.”

“Don’t bore me with concerns of safety!” Blythe shouted. “I need to get these zombies across the river!”

The engineer relented and took the train to an alarming speed.

The vampire stepped into the engine room, where werewolves were shoveling coal into the furnace at a furious pace.

Blythe could see the coal reserves were running low.

“Start throwing zombies in as soon as you run out,” was his order to the werewolves.

The vampire returned to his cabin and clutched his hand around his captive’s arm.

She shrieked and jerked about wildly underneath the sheet until she felt Blythe press his revolver against her temple.

“Do you know what this is?” Blythe asked.

She nodded.

“Then move,” the vampire said.

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Jun 11 2016
4 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion With BQB – Christina Grimmie

Good morning 3.5 readers.

Some sad news today. A 22 year old singer from The Voice, Christina Grimmie, was shot and killed after a concert in Orlando, Florida last night.

I’m kind of an old fuddy duddy and I don’t watch shows like the Voice so I’d never heard of her before but it sounds like many of you had.

As I read the stories, it becomes increasingly sad. She got her start on YouTube, utilized social media to get her music out there to the world, really took advantage of what technology allows today for budding young creative people.

Imagine being young and on top of the world, plus how happy all her family and friends around her must of been and then that to happen out of nowhere.

 

Obviously the guy was crazy. I was going to go on a rant about why crazy people do what they do but I will await the news to report the details of the specific kind of crazy that the guy was.

Generally speaking, while suicide isn’t the answer and in a perfect world, the mentally unstable would get mental help before doing something like this, I don’t understand why crazy people who get to this low point often feel the need to take someone with them rather than just go out alone.

Again, I don’t want to speculate further. My assumption is he must have been some kind of obsessed fan but we’ll probably find out more as the story develops.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Jun 11 2016
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Movies

Movie Review – The Boy (2016)

Worst babysitting gig ever.

BQB here with a review of The Boy.

If I’m being honest here, I watched this movie for two reason:

  1. Lauren Cohan (Maggie from The Walking Dead) and since she’s sans-Glenn in this one, I can fantasize about wooing her with my manly machismo.
  2. Killer doll movies are the scariest of all movies. No one has a gremlin, ghost, zombie or monsters in their house, but everyone has at least one doll.

In her breakout movie role, Lauren plays Greta, a nanny hired by an elderly couple to take care of their son, Brahms.

The catch? When she arrives, she learns that Brahms is actually a doll, though his parents don’t let on that this is anything but normal.

I don’t want to give too much away, but as you can imagine, clues are dropped throughout in an effort to lead you in different directions. Is there a boy’s soul trapped in the doll? Are the parents nuts? Is Glenda nuts? Is everyone nuts?

It’s worth it to watch until the end to find out. I won’t spoil it because to the film’s credit, you won’t get what’s going on until it is all finally revealed.

I know I didn’t and as my 3.5 readers are aware, I’m a genius so that’s saying something.

Worth a rental.

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Jun 10 2016
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Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB -Are Cats and Dogs Plotting to Take over the Earth?

I believe they are. They appear to be dumb pets but secretly, they plot evil conspiracies.

Shit. Isn’t there a kids’ movie based on this?

Worst daily discussion ever. Discuss anyway.

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Jun 10 2016
2 Comments
Votentate

Votentate – The Mighty Potentate for President

Standby for a Transmission from the Mighty Potentate…

…SCANNING….SCANNING…ACQUIRING CONTROL OF THE BOOKSHELF BATTLE BLOG…

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Attention pitiful humans, for it is I, the Mightiest of Potentates.

I have taken control of this miserable excuse for a blog to address two points:

1) Bookshelf Q. Battler, the Chosen One, continues to dilly dally in his assignment to produce a novel so well-written that it convinces you all to abandon the most wretched of all human art forms, “reality television.”  You must continue to pester him to no end to finish his novel or else Earth will be invaded and turned into an intergalactic drive-thru delicatessen.

2) It has come to my attention that this your country known as the United States of America is choosing its leader.

I have reviewed the candidates:

  • Both are very, very old. Older than the deepest, darkest black hole in the entire universe. Entire empires have risen and fallen during their existences. Note that to my species, they are mere babes. But to humans, they are older than dirt. They roamed the Earth during the time of the dinosaurs, the beings that did a much better job of running your planet, in my opinion.
  • One wears some type of wounded animal on his head. The other has enough pantsuits to fill a Lane Bryant warehouse. (What is a Lane Bryant warehouse? I do not know what this means. My advisor, Alien Jones, told me pitiful humans  would find this amusing.)
  • Both are very ego driven, as all Earth politicians are. Frankly, as all intergalactic politicians are. The male has built many tacky towers in his name. The female has siphoned enough money through her power and influence to choke a horse.
  • As a pitiful human, you might argue that I, the Mighty Potentate, am ego driven. I am. I have built many monuments to myself. And if you had conquered and civilized as many systems as I have, you’d be able to build many monuments to yourself, Earth loser.

In short, neither candidate is suitable, and thus, as the ruler of all I survey, I command you to write in “The Mighty Potentate” on your pathetic ballots this November.

I understand you American Humans are a particularly inquisitive bunch, which is a concept I don’t fully grasp as I am not used to having to explain myself.

Just ask any alien under my command:

WHAT A POLITICAL DEBATE LOOKS LIKE IN THE WORLD OF THE MIGHTY POTENTATE:

The Mighty Potentate commands me to do X.  Should I:

A) Do X and not be vaporized.

B) Do X and not be vaporized.

C) Refuse to do X and be vaporized (Report to the vaporization chamber immediately if you select this choice.)

But very well. I shall abide by your Earth customs and answer your questions about the issues:

QUESTION #1 Mighty Potentate, if elected president, how would you fix the economy?

Vaporization.

QUESTION #2 – What?

All must be useful and productive or be vaporized. Next question, pitiful human.

QUESTION #3 – Free trade has been brought up a great deal in this election.  How would you secure the best trade deals to make America competitive in the global market?

Vaporization. Purchase our products at the prices of our choosing or become vapor.

QUESTION #4 – I’m beginning to see a pattern here. The possibility of a war is always a concern for the person who holds the oval office. As President, how would you avoid war?

Vaporization. Stop pitching so many softballs, pitiful human.

QUESTION #5 – Vaporization again?

Indeed. All will hail the Mighty Potentate or be vaporized.

QUESTION # 6 – When you say “vaporize” what exactly do you mean?

I have conquered most of the Universe by perfecting vaporization technology. Through my various vaporization devices, I can turn anyone or anything into a fine mist that quickly dissipates into nothingness.

QUESTION 7 – Right. Moving on. Health care has been in the news lately…

Vaporize the sick. They only slow our operations down.

QUESTION 8 – Do I dare ask about crime?

All will obey the laws of the Mighty Potentate or be vaporized.

QUESTION 9 – Taxes?

Everything belongs to the Mighty Potentate. Render it unto to me or…

QUESTION 10 – Be vaporized. We get it.  What about free speech?

All are free to speak praises of the Mighty Potentate. It is mandatory to do so five times an hour or be vaporized.

QUESTION 11 – What if people don’t want to be vaporized?

Then they will be vaporized.

QUESTION 12 – But how can they protest being vaporized if they’ve been vaporized?

Person-who-wants-to-be-vaporized-says-what?

CONCLUSION:

There you have it, pitiful humans. I am the Mighty Potentate, the only candidate willing to harness the power of vaporization to solve all your problems.

Vote Potentate. Better yet, Votentate.

Paid for by the Committee to Elect the Mighty Potenate or Be Vaporized

 

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Jun 09 2016
7 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – Is It Possible to Make a Good Fantastic Four Movie?

Good morning nerds.

BQB here.

Is it possible to make a good Fantastic Four movie?

At first, I’d argue no. The source material is dumb.  A rock monster and a rubber man, an invisible woman and a guy who can set himself on fire at will?

Well, then again every other comic book movie, in essence, is equally dumb.

The movies that came out in the 2000’s stunk. Then the most recent reboot last year was panned by critics. I didn’t think it was horrible but it didn’t blow me away either.

In all the movies, I feel there was a failure to capitalize on Dr. Doom. A scary character/dictator…really had potential to be super naughty.

What say you, 3.5 readers? Is is possible to make a good Fab Four movie?

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