I’m going through a phase where I’m wondering whether or not blogging, Twittering, Facebooking et al is little more than narcissistic d-baggery.
Fear not. It will pass.
And don’t forget to follow me on Twitter and Facebook.
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Category Archives: Tomfoolery
I am on strike
I refuse to entertain this audience again until it doubles in size to 7 readers.
The other day…
I saw two dudes riding around in what appeared to be half/motorcycles half/cars – like a motorcycle you sit down in.
That’s not really the best description but that’s the limit of my ability to describe it.
If you know what it is, let me know. I don’t want to buy one but I’m mildly curious to found out more about what they are and how they work.
And Now a Public Service Announcement from Bookshelf Q. Battler on Facebook Postings
Hi 3.5 Readers.
BQB here.
Tough times we’re living in aren’t we?
The Freedom Loving Western World is under attack. Gay people can’t go to clubs without being shot at by terrorists. Kids can’t go to Disney World without being eaten by alligators.
I swear if I wake up tomorrow and learn that someone kicked the Easter Bunny in the balls or stole a leprechaun’s pot of gold and didn’t even leave him enough to rent an Uber to get home, I’m just going to stay in bed and eat cookies and pie all weekend in a hopeless state of sadness.
Lots of shit going on. Lots of shit.
You know kids, when I was a young lad opinions were expressed in a much different manner.
Usually, learned men and women, knowledgable experts on particular topics, would appear on talk shows, debate one another, listen to what each other had to say and agree to disagree.
Sure, they were at times mean about it. Pettiness isn’t new to politics. It’s been around.
But by and large you go the impression that some of these TV pundits probably got together afterwards for tacos or whatever.
Times, they are a-changing.
Thanks to the wondrous Internet, everyone has an opinion, and everyone can express it despite a lack of qualifications or credentials or what have you.
And if your Facebook feed is anything like mine lately, its burning up with a lot of tomfoolery.
Remember, this blog isn’t political, because I have often said, I want all people of all different views to buy the book I have not yet finished and make me rich.
Really, the important part is where I get rich.
At any rate, nothing in this post is directed at anyone or side in particular, but in general, no matter what side of the debate you are on, here are some things to keep in mind in order to keep it civil.
#1 – Unless the person who posted a comment that offended you holds some type of public office or an otherwise influential position, their post is unlikely to have much impact on the issue, so you need not view it as a virtual grenade to throw yourself on at all costs.
EXAMPLE:
POSTER: “I think that…”
YOU: Lies! The study of So and So University, completed in 2010 by Professor So and So on yadda yadda yadda….
Seriously, just stop being that shit head who spends 19 hours writing a reply to your Cousin Fred that you see once a year on Thanksgiving. Fred is a Goddamn part-time night janitor at the Arby’s off highway exit 7.
World leaders are not going to read Cousin Fred’s post and be like, “Holy shit! We never thought about it THAT way! Thanks Fred! You the man! We’re going to get on that right now!”
Just let Fred have his opinion and move on. Keep in mind, Cousin Fred has probably held his tongue many times and moved on after reading some of the mindless bullshit you post.
#2 – If this person is one of your Facebook friends, chances are he/she is important to you in some capacity. Treat them as such.
We’ll just keep picking on Cousin Fred…
COUSIN FRED: “I believe that the treaty of such and such calls for…”
YOU (RIGHT WAY): Either – I respect your opinion Fred or I disagree Fred or just don’t respond.
YOU (WRONG WAY): F&*K you! Someone disagreed with me and now my life is over! I must retreat into my safe space over this micro-agressien! You have ruined my life! Stick your head in the toilet and flush it a thousand times on your hideous face you atrocious, godawful man!!!
Oh and see you at Thanksgiving.
#3 – Stop comparing people to Hitler. Seriously. I don’t care what your ideology is. No one is worse than Hitler. That’s why he was Hitler.
Because I highly doubt that you are Facebook friends with someone who also invaded Poland, then tore ass through the rest of Europe, left England as the last man standing in what appeared to be the impending death of European democracy, then also put millions of Jewish people into camps and starved them and enslaved them and gassed them and killed them and so on, then stop calling them Hitler.
In my opinion, it’s offensive to people who were actual victims of Hitler, from the people who were rounded up and killed due to his orders, to the soldiers who had to put their lives on hold and fight his army and even died in the process.
ANALYIS:
COUSIN FRED: “Obviously, the right thing to do in this situation is to….”
“SHOULD YOU TELL COUSIN FRED THAT HE IS WORSE THAN HITLER?” – A RUBRIC
QUESTION TO ASK YOURSELF – Did Cousin Fred scheme and connive his way into the position of German Chancellor in the 1930’s and then proceed to delve humanity deep into its darkest hour?
IF YES – Then feel free to tell Cousin Fred is worse than Hitler.
IF NO – Then don’t be a dick and don’t tell your Cousin that he’s worse than Hitler. He’s the son of your Mom or Dad’s sibling for f%&k’s sake.
You might need him to donate a kidney or give you a ride or help you move a couch one day only to find yourself stuck on the side of the road with only one lousy kidney and a couch too big to move by yourself all because you couldn’t help yourself from referring to your beloved family member as Hitler.
#4 – Stipulate to reasonable, agreed upon facts. Don’t ask for proof of everything and especially if you know a fact is true. Don’t ask for proof anyway just to be a dick.
COUSIN FRED: “The sky is blue….
YOU: Post a link to an article that provides categorical proof that the sky is blue. Do it. Do it now. You’re taking too long. You can’t find one, can you? Ha! F%*king liar the sky is NOT BLUE AND IT NEVER WAS!
COUSIN FRED: “…and the grass is green…”
YOU: Is it though? Is it really? Have you ever considered that what you see as green and what I see as green might be two completely different colors? Maybe when I see something and think it is green and when you see it and you think it is green but if I could see what you are seeing through my eyes it would appear pink to me and if you could see it through my eyes it would appear purple to you?
COUSIN FRED: “…and the other day Congress passed a bill that…”
YOU: I’m going to need more information on this institution you refer to as “Congress.” Please post a link to some information on what Congress is and how it works. You’re not a scholar of Congressional history, are you? I find it difficult to believe that you hold the necessary qualifications to prove to me that Congress actually exists and that it isn’t some existential hullabaloo that you invented in your mind.
NOTE: Seriously dude. He’s your f%$king cousin. Stop filibustering and/or asking him to post proof of stuff you’re both fully aware of and stop treating the whole discussion like it’s an under the hot lights interrogation. You’re just two asshats on Facebook and in the grand scheme of things, nothing that either of you say ever matters.
#5 – Don’t get personal.
COUSIN FRED: “Senator So and So appeared so stupid when he…
YOU (Right way): I disagree. I think Senator So and So made a good argument.
YOU (Wrong way): He didn’t look anymore stupid than you did when your wife cheated on you with her yoga instructor and she gave you the bill for her yoga instruction so technically you were paying a dude to come into your house while you were at work and bang your wife you giant dumbass.
I mean, yeah, I guess you won the argument…but was it worth it? Cousin Fred will most likely never speak to you again.
Cousin Fred is a human being. He has thoughts and feelings. Let him express them without throwing the yoga instructor he inadvertently paid to bang his wife in his face.
CONCLUSIONS
Those are the top five I can think of. All in all, these are trying times and we all want to get what we are thinking off our chest but, you know…if these people are your friends and/or family, you might want to try to do it in a way in which they want to stick around because let’s be honest, you’re no picnic either.
(That’s directed at other people. You’re all picnics in my book, 3.5 readers.)
BQB’s Letters to God – Orlando
Dear God,
BQB here.
First, let me just say I’m a big fan of your work. Big fan. I mean, the Grand Canyon? Am I right or am I right?
Anyway, I don’t mean to tell you how to do your job. God knows, or rather, you know that you don’t start telling me how to run a blog with 3.5 readers or anything.
It just seems to me that with the shooting of Voice singer Christina Grimmie last Friday night, followed by the shooting of 50 people at the Pulse night club, that…
You probably could have done the city a solid and stopped that alligator from dragging that two year kid away and killing it at Disney World.
I get it. I get it. You’re a hands-off, laissez faire kind of guy.
You’re kicking back up there on a cloud, probably got a strawberry daiquiri because it’s not like you have to watch your weight or work out or anything.
You’re watching us all as if we’re one giant reality television show. I can only assume that heaven is one hip, swinging club and by our actions on Earth you judge who makes the cut and who has to stand behind the rope.
But seriously. Come on.
They say you never give people more than they can handle but, and again, I don’t mean to tell you your business here, all you needed to have done was smite that alligator and a lot of grief could have been spared for a lot of people.
Holy shit. Just imagine it. You and your family go to Disney World. You’re all bee-bopping along having a good time and “Fuck! An alligator ate my baby!”
By the way, the problem with the Internet is there are all kinds of theories without facts.
Some people blame the parents.
I have no idea what the situation was. In theory, yeah, if you let your kid run around and you’re oblivious and taking a nap or whatever then yeah you’ve doomed your child.
But if you’re just hanging out in he happiest place on earth on a nice sunny day and HOLY FUCK! AN ALLIGATOR JUST GRABBED MY KID! – Really, what are you supposed to do?
Who could ever see that coming?
Yeah. I don’t know what a parent can do. It is, pardon my French, but it is…a fucking alligator.
If I had a kid, I would surely attempt to wrestle that alligator but what am I going to do? It’s a giant descendant of the dinosaurs and has a mouth full of razor sharp teeth that closes like a steel trap.
What is a parent to do? Box the alligator? People need to chill out and not be so judgmental.
There’s nothing that can be done unless you’re Australian. All Australians are born with an innate ability to wrestle alligators. That’s just science.
And you can’t argue with science.
One or two of you 3.5 readers will think I’m making light of this terrible situation but I really am not.
I really, truly, sincerely feel terrible, both for this child lost too soon and for the child’s family who went through something no one should have to experience.
I am, in a polite manner, just inquiring why God couldn’t have intervened here and sent that alligator back into the water, thus sparing so much grief and sadness and pain for so many people.
If I’m making light of anything, it is the horrendous state of the world we live in, when people can’t go to a park dedicated to a cartoon mouse and a) not have to worry about alligators absconding with their children and b) not have to worry about getting shot because, yeah, if you missed it on the news, the terrorist did case Disney World previously.
Finally God, I know you like to stay on the sidelines and not get involved (God, er you know you haven’t intervened much on my behalf despite numerous and often pathetic teary eyed pleadings) we’re really going to need you to make an official ruling on something.
Could you take like 15 minutes out of your busy schedule and just go on one of these talking head cable news channel pundit shows – pick any one of them, any one of them at all, and just be a guest and announce once and for all that you don’t want people shooting, killing, stabbing or otherwise doing heinous shit in your name.
I feel like it could help out a lot.
But seriously dude. You really could have stopped that damn alligator.
Hey, what can I say though really? Could I do a better job at Godding? Probably not. Not unless I’ve walked a mile in your sandals. So no, I’m not going to be a pain in the ass and nag you about this all the time.
It’s just a learning lesson really. A teachable moment. You sense an alligator is about to eat a kid and you snap your Godly fingers and boom the alligator gets a bad case of diarrhea and makes a mad dash back in the water.
Thanks God. And, I’m totally not asking or anything but if you wanted to toss 20 or 30.5 extra readers my way, I would not complain at all.
Your humble servant, dedicated to singing your praises on a blog with 3.5 readers,
BQB
BQB Attempts to Get Spanish Readers with Google Translate
IN ENGLISH:
Hello. I am Bookshelf Q. Battler.
I have a blog with 3.5 readers.
I read books. I write novels. I fight yetis.
My best friend is an alien named “Alien Jones.”
Alien Jones’s boss is the Mighty Potentate. He is an intergalactic dictator.
EN ESPANOL:
Hola. Soy Biblioteca P. Battler .
Tengo un blog con 3,5 lectores .
Leo libros. Escribo novelas . Lucho yetis .
Mi mejor amigo es un alienígena llamado “Alien Jones .”
jefe de Alien Jones es el Poderoso Soberano . Él es un dictador intergaláctico .
NOTE: Anyone know why it changed the Q to a P?
Moving on…
IN ENGLISH:
The Mighty Potentate has demanded that I either write a book so fabulous that it convinces all of mankind to give up reality television or else he will send an army of aliens to conquer the world.
So in other words, the world will probably be conquered by aliens as I take too long to write.
EN ESPANOL:
El Mighty Potentado ha exigido que sea escribir un libro tan fabuloso que convence a toda la humanidad a abandonar televisión de la realidad o de lo contrario se enviará un ejército de alienígenas de conquistar el mundo .
Así, en otras palabras, el mundo probablemente será conquistado por extranjeros como tomo demasiado tiempo para escribir.
IN ENGLISH:
I live in BQB Headquarters with Bookshelf Q. Battle dog, Video Game Rack Fighter, and other assorted characters.
Frequent Blog Contributors include the Yeti, Dr. Hugo Von Science, Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio, Search Engine Optimized Poet, Nerdstradamus, and the exceptionally cranky Uncle Hardass.
Thank you. I hope you will be one of my 3.5 readers.
EN ESPANOL:
Yo vivo en la Sede de BQB con el estante P. Batalla perro, películas y videojuegos en rack de combate , y otros personajes variados.
Colaboradores de blog frecuentes incluyen el Yeti , el Dr. Hugo Von Ciencia , Anti – Suck Experto Vinny Baggadouchio , motor de búsqueda optimizado poeta , Nerdstradamus , y el mal humor excepcionalmente tío Hardass .
Gracias. Espero que sea uno de mis lectores de 3,5 .
NOTE: I cut and pasted this all from Google Translate, so I apologize if any of it was wrong or if any of it translates into something terrible. I hope I didn’t imply your mothers wear combat boots or anything.
Pick a New Theme for Bookshelf Battle
Happy Saturday 3.5 Readers.
I’m shopping for new themes. Take a look at some of them with me, will you?
After all, as my 3.5 readers, you’ll need to be as satisfied as I am:
#1 – NEWSMAG – I like it but I’m not sure why the menu is there twice. This has been pretty much been my experience. I find something that seems acceptable but for one weird little thing:
#2 – WILSON – Hmm. I like posting various funny pictures right at the top of my blog, often pictures of the “bookshelf battles” occurring on my magic bookshelf. For the 3.5 people who read this blog, it really ties the theme together.
Otherwise, the theme is crisp, uncluttered, it does pull Twitter, Facebook feeds and other widgets up to the left instead of leaving them buried at the bottom like my current theme does.
I guess the tradeoff is the main photo becomes smaller and off to the left instead of prominently at the top. Ironically, the photo does appear at the top on tablets and phones.
It’s free, so that’s a plus. I do prefer the menu at the top but I think the design so clearly helps the user to distinguish what’s the written content and what’s the menu content that it’s not a concern.
Hmm. This one’s a contender.
#3 – HIVE – This one needs two photos. First, it didn’t cut off “my” face but rather it all just comes out to big to come out in one screenshot. Take my word that my head is there and you just scroll down through a pretty sweet funny photo and bold headline before you get to the meat of the blog.
“BQB you wanted a blog that has a prominent photo and bold headline.”
That I do. That’s what intrigues me. It is like $150 which I don’t relish spending but I guess if it’s something I enjoy doing I guess I can sacrifice some dough for my 3.5 readers.
If you move to the second photo, you’ll see the posts come out in a newspaper like format. Side by side, crisp columns.
You end up with a blog roll where many, many of more posts are clickable before you get to the bottom of the roll and have to click next to get to the back log.
No one ever clicks next. So more posts before you reach the end could attract more than 3.5 readers.
So I’ll call what’s on the front page “teasers.” You basically get a paragraph of the post and then when you click it you get the whole thing.
I’m not sure why my photos don’t show up in the teasers but they do show up in the post itself when you reach it.
I’m not too worried about that because I have read other blogs where photos are in the teasers so there must be a way.
I’m on the fence on this one. It’s very beautiful. It does come with a lot of features that seem like they’d increase the ole click-a-roos.
But I feel like no one understands the concept of my blog as it is. It’s a blog about a nerd with a magic bookshelf who engages in all manner of nerdy hi jinx while he pursues a career as a novelist to appease an alien dictator.
Does this format make it a newspaper about all that above?
#4 – PENSCRATCH – Oh my God. It’s got the prominent headline. It’s got the menu at the top. It’s got the menu at the top. It’s got the place for the funny header photo.
The shopping list is complete! But…shit. Is it me or is that font very light? It looks like what happens when someone tries to write with lemon juice on paper.
If I can figure out how to darken up the font and maybe come up with some spiffier fonts this one could also be a contender.
CONCLUSIONS –
My gut is telling me to go with WILSON but I can also see the argument that PENSCRATCH is the closest to what I have now and perhaps I shouldn’t take my stinky socks off in the bottom of then ninth. Not crazy about that light font though.
Sheesh. Picking a new theme is like picking a mistress. Chunk’s like my toothless, frazzled hair wife. Sure, she’s not the best, but she’s always there for me and gets the job done.
If I’m going to leave her I want it to be for a super model that’s really going to rev my engine but it just seems like I’m trading one toothless wife for another toothless wife.
I’m from the 90’s. I can say things like this.
BQB Applies Muhammad Ali’s Confident Trash Talking Skills to Blog Promotion
I am BQB and I am the Greatest Blogger who ever lived. I type a butterfly and post like a bee, you cannot ignore the words that your eyes already see.
I am the world’s fastest blogger. Fast with my fingers. I type so fast I make flames jump out of my keyboard. I keep the fire department on standby whenever I feel a musing coming on.
I write faster than a cheetah can breakdance. The other day I wrote a post so fast it broke the space time continuum. People read it before I even finished writing it.
If you match my typing fingers up against a bullet train, I’ll beat the bullet train every time.
I once blogged so fast that I made the earth rotate backwards just as Superman did when he turned back time.
The only way it could be fair for me to blog against the rest of you bums would be if I were to tie my best blogging hand behind my back. Tie them both back there for all I care. I can type better with my nose than most people can with their digits.
My blog posts are intriguing. They’re so intriguing that if you took every episode of Murder She Wrote, wrapped them up in soft taco shell made out of flour ground from the collective works of Stephen King and sautéed the whole mess in a sauce comprised of Agatha Christie’s sweat, the entire ensuing entree would not contain one quarter of the intrigue found in one of my posts.
People always be talking about The Huffington Post. You reporters are more crooked than an MC Escher staircase for writing that The Huffington Post puts my blog to shame.
The Huff Po may talk a lot of jive but I got the best readers and they number one, two, three point five.
I will blog circles around Huff Po. I’m up posting ten articles before the Huff Po drags its stinking ass out of bed in the morning and I’m tweeting the links to my stuff before the Huff Po has its morning coffee.
That’s right I also tweet like a butterfly too.
People always be talking about how Perez Hilton is a better pop culture blogger than me. Perez Hilton couldn’t blog his way out of a wet paper bag. Man draws dicks on celebrity faces and he acts like that makes him a comedy genius or something. I can draw a better dick on a celebrity face any time anywhere.
All you reporters asking me if I think I can out blog Icanhascheesburger?
Please. I don’t care how cute and adorable those kitties are. I will slap the cheeseburgers right out their stupid mouths and send them to bed without supper.
No, you furry bastards, no you cannot have cheeseburger.
Can I out gawk Gawker? You better believe it. I have never been sued by Hulk Hogan and even though that’s because Hulk Hogan is not one of my 3.5 readers I can still say I have never been sued by Hulk Hogan. Pretty much everyone else out there can say that too but still. It’s a miraculous accomplishment to not have been sued by Hulk Hogan. I wear my lack of a Hulk Hogan suit like a badge of honor.
The Drudge Report? “Oh look at me I’m Matt Drudge I’ve been HTML coding my own blog since the 90s.” Dude, please. I’m too busy creating blogs that break the surly bonds of the stratosphere to code my own HTML. I let those turkeys at WordPress do all my HTML coding for me.
I’ll hand it to Matt that he blew the lid off the whole Monica Lewinsky scandal but had I been around in the 90s there would have never been a scandal because Monica would have been too infatuated with me, as most women are.
TMZ? No. People prefer BQB. And when I say people, I’m talking about your wives, because once you go nerd, it’s the best you’ve ever heard.
3.5 hits may be the only clicks I gets but they’re also the only clicks I’ll ever need.
Because when you have the greatest 3.5 readers in the world then you are truly the greatest.
And finally, every blogger other than me is ugly. The greatest blogger in the world should be as pretty as me.
BQB Has Also Used Trump’s Publicist, John Miller
Hey 3.5 Readers.
I don’t want to be in a position where I have to vouch for a politician, but you know that audio of a guy claiming to be a publicist named John Miller talking up Trump, telling a reporter that Madonna and all these other 1980s chicks want him (and it sounds like it is actually Trump pretending to be his own publicist?
Yeah. John Miller is real. He just sounds a lot like Trump.
I hired John Miller to talk me and my blog up to the press one time.
Here’s the transcript:
REPORTER: Hello this is Awesome Blogger Magazine. Ironically, we put out a magazine instead of a blog. May I help you?
JOHN MILLER: Yes. I’d like to talk to you about Bookshelf Q. Battler.
REPORTER: And you are?
JOHN MILLER: John Miller. I’m sort of doing publicity for BQB. He’s a great guy. Really classy. Really terrific.
REPORTER: So what did you call to tell me?
JOHN MILLER: Well, BQB’s got a blog called Bookshelf Battle. He’s got 3.5 readers. He’s got a Facebook page. He’s got a twitter handle @bookshelfbattle – Look, the guy’s really going places.
REPORTER: He is?
JOHN MILLER: He sure is. All the babes call Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters looking to go out with him. Katy Perry. Katee Sackhoff. All the famous Kates are fighting over his junk. Ridiculous because you know, he’s in a relationship with Video Game Rack fighter but all these famous women are throwing themselves at him.
REPORTER: Sir, is it me or do you sound a lot like Bookshelf Q. Battler?
<Click. Phone hangs up.>
So there you have it. John Miller’s totally real.
Bookshelf Battle 