Category Archives: Uncategorized

Jan 26 2018
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Movies, Uncategorized

Logan and Wonder Woman Snubs

Hey 3.5 readers.

2017 proves that Hollywood will never nominate a comic book movie.  Logan, which was Hugh Jackman’s last dance as Wolverine, was sort of a poignant meditation on aging, coming to grips with regrets, accepting past mistakes and moving on, etc.

Wonder Woman brought us into WWI and was all about feminism – the nice kind of feminism, you know, the brand I like where women stand up for themselves without saying that my dick needs to be chopped off or anything.

So, maybe one day if there is one last Avengers movie (until the eventual reboot with a whole younger cast) they’ll do it but even then I wouldn’t expect it.

Jan 25 2018
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top ten lists, Uncategorized

Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Not Eat Tide Pods

3.5 readers, there was once a time when you had to lug a fat ass jug of liquid washing machine soap from the store to your home and then dump a quantity of that jug into your machine whenever you wanted to wash your clothes…LIKE A GODDAMN CAVEMAN!

But then, thanks to SCIENCE, Tide pods were invented.  They’re little plastic doo-dads filled with just enough soap for a load of laundry.  While you were expected to measure out the soap you were pouring, literally no one, and I mean NO ONE ever did that, so you’d either dump too little soap or a shit ton of soap but these pods let you throw in just enough.

But now, their are big dumb dummies who are eating them  Stop eating Tide pods, dummies.

From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Eat Tide Pods:

#1 – They are poisonous.

#2-10 – They are poisonous.

BONUS REASON TO NOT EAT TIDE PODS:  YOU WILL DIE!

Don’t eat Tide pods, 3.5 readers.

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Jan 24 2018
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Uncategorized

The Oscars Are Too Pretty

They really are, 3.5 readers, so I’m just reminding all 3.5 of you that if you are ugly and you want to see more ugly actors in film, then make your voice heard on #OscarsSoPretty.

Jan 23 2018
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Uncategorized

#OscarsSoPretty 2018

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BQB hides his ugliness.

For those members of the 3.5 reader club just joining us, I have long been the world’s foremost Ugly Rights Advocate.  I have put myself out there, time and time again, to help the world see ugly people not as the trolls and hobgoblins they are perceived as, but rather, as the kind-hearted, productive members of society they are.

Yes, I am the Malcolm X of all ugly people.  We didn’t choose to look like Plymouth Rock landed on our faces.  We were just born looking like Plymouth Rock landed on our faces.

Further, I try to get beautiful people to understand the depths of their pretty privilege.  When you look good, the world is good to you.  From job opportunities to relationships to virtually every aspect of life, it’s pretty clear that the more people want to bang you, the more doors will open for you (because the people holding the doors hope that by opening the door you’ll bang them.  It’s up to you if you bang them but that’s a whole other post all together.)

At no time is pretty privilege more on full display than Oscar season.  According to the Fake Institute of Bogus Statistics, 99% of Americans are working so hard that they don’t have time to eat right, exercise, follow fashion trends or even pop their zits or get proper haircuts.  That means that 99% of Americans are very ugly and yet it’s only the best looking 1% who land all the plum movie roles.

Sadly, many children who are very, very ugly will turn on the Oscars this year only to see a bunch of people being given awards for being pretty.  Ugly children will then learn that Hollywood wants nothing to do with them or their wretched, hideous little faces, causing them to cry themselves to sleep.

After a couple of years of trying to get the #OscarsSoPretty hashtag trending (I am the foremost proponent of this hashtag) I’d hoped that the Academy would take notice and put some ugly people into the awards mix but alas, I have been stymied again.

Just look at the movies that have been nominated:

#1 – Call Me By Your Name – Armie Hammer looks like the product of Greek God/Goddess sex.  Next!

#2 – Darkest Hour – Eh, Gary Oldman is only borderline ugly.  He looks more like an average person the most but he isn’t truly ugly.  He’s not mirror crackingly ugly.  But the kicker is that whenever a part calls for a character to be ugly, a non-ugly actor is hired to fill the role.  Winston Churchill was fat and bald so naturally they hire an actor who is skinny and hairy to play the part, rather than give it to some bald and fat actor who really needs the work. Next!

#3 – Dunkirk – A vast array of stud muffins playing World War II heroes.  Please.  WWII heroes were too busy fighting Fritz to worry about their looks.  Next!

#4 – Get Out – Hollywood appears to be trying harder in recent years to greenlight projects that highlight African American contributions to culture and society.  That’s good, but while the race barriers are coming down, the looks barriers remain.  In short, Hollywood will give actors of various races a shot, but no matter the race, you have to be good looking.  Next!

#5 – Lady Bird – Saroise….Sarisa?  I don’t know how to say that girl’s name.  She’s hot.  Aren’t there any good coming of age stories about ugly girls?  Next!

#6 – The Phantom Thread – Daniel Day Lewis may be getting older, but Hollywood always celebrates older actors if they gave ladies some lady boners in their heyday.  Next!

#7 – The Post – See #6 and apply to Hanks and Streep.

#8 – The Shape of Water – A love story between a beautiful lady janitor and a fish man.  Naturally, the fish man part is developed through CGI rather than give the part to, say, an actor who actually looks like a damn fish.  All the fish man actors are crying because when their families said, “You’ll never make it in Hollywood!  They’ll never hire a fish man to be an actor!” they now know their families were right.

#9 – Three Billboards – See #6 and apply to McDormand and Rockwell.

GET THE HASHTAG TRENDING!

Are you ugly?  Of course you are.  You wouldn’t be reading this blog if you were a good looking person with a full social calendar.  If you’re as mad as you are ugly about the lack of ugly actor representation, then help me get #OscarsSoPretty trending so the Academy will start getting recognition to ugly actors so ugly children who dream, despite advice from all the good looking people around them, of ending up on the silver screen can make their dream a reality.

Jan 23 2018
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Movies, Uncategorized

BQB Does the Oscars – 2018 – Best Picture

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Hey 3.5 movie buffs.

BQB here.  The 2018 Oscar nominations are released, so first, let’s talk about best picture.  The nominees are:

Call Me By Your Name

Darkest Hour

Dunkirk

Get Out

Lady Bird

Phantom Thread

The Post

The Shape of Water

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

I have to say, 3.5 readers, every year it’s about half and half.  I’ve seen half the movies nominated and not the other half.  This year, I only saw “Dunkirk” and “Get Out” so Hollywood is really pulling the obscure stuff out of the closet, which is what the Oscars are typically known for anyway.

Predictions?  It’s hard when you haven’t seen most of them.

“Get Out” gave us a glimpse of how black people feel living amongst white people.  I assume that was director Jordan Peele’s goal.  I’ll SPOIL it because you’ve had a chance to watch it by now, or look away if you haven’t but the general gist is that a family of white people have figured out a way to take the minds of ailing white people and insert them into the bodies of black people.  Via hypnosis, the black person’s mind is buried into a deep recess, so it’s like he’s there and can see what is going on but can’t participate.

All in all, the film uses horror and science fiction concepts to begin a discussion about race relations and I mean, a more historic and or dramatic approach might have been taken, but let’s face it.  Moviegoers are more interested in horror and sci-fi.  The movie entertains, while slipping us some thoughts about how we could all be better to each other at the same time.

In short, this would be a rare opportunity for Hollywood to give the aware to a commercial success.

“Dunkirk” tells an important story that is often lost in the annals of history.  The Germans are sweeping through France.  British and allied troops are stuck between the sea and the incoming Nazis.  Churchill has done the math and decided he can’t afford to lose his Navy to pick up the soldiers, so the soldiers are on their own….until a fleet of commercial fishermen save the day.

In these trying times, it’s a story about how we can all come together to achieve a greater good.

Speaking of Churchill, I’ve been meaning to see the “Darkest Hour.” I have always been a Churchill fan.  The short primer on Churchill is that he was one of the earliest politicians in Europe to try to ring the proverbial alarm bell and be all like, “Uh, hey, fellow Brits, I think this Hitler chap might be a bad egg” but alas, no one would listen to him.  As the war carried on, England became the last country in Europe to not come under Nazi rule, though it came pretty close.  Churchill took a lot of abuse. Many wanted to negotiate with the Nazis or worse, just let him have England without a fight but Churchill slapped his big brass cajones down on the table and took the hard way out and England, nay, the rest of Europe survived because of it.

I know little about the other films.  “The Post” seems like a manufactured Oscar movie, designed to get awards.  Maybe it’s good but the whole Pentagon papers/press vs. Nixon has had its time on film before.

“The Shape of Water” intrigues me because the poster shows a woman hugging some kind of lizard creature and it sounds like there’s great buzz about it, like the critics are calling it the film to beat so…as a sci fi buff I’m interested.  Plus, I want to know if the lady bangs the lizard creature.

Who do you think will win, 3.5 readers?

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Jan 22 2018
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TV, Uncategorized

TV Review – The Punisher

Guns, guns, and more guns.

BQB here with a review of Netflix’s “The Punisher.”

When I was a kid, it was common for nerds to gravitate towards more realistic super heroes.  Batman was popular because he was a human without any supernatural powers.

Nerds in the know knew that as cool as the Caped Crusader was, Frank Castle aka “The Punisher” was the more (perhaps the most) realistic superhero.  Arguably, advanced wealth, and the ability to train all day, travel the world to learn new techniques, fund new technologies and figure out how to subdue criminals with non-lethal bat kicks only to hang them forty stories up in the air by a bat rope hooked to one end of a gargoyle with the other end to their underpants is pretty damn spectacular.

In short, it’s unlikely you’ll ever obtain Bruce Wayne’s wealth and if you did, it’s unlikely you’d be able to develop the science defying goodies he wields.

The Punisher, on the other hand, has one super power (of sorts.)  He’s extremely pissed off over the death of his family, leading to an eternal “I don’t give a f%%k” attitude.

Batman might knock out a crook with a batarang.  The Punisher will just buy an epic shit ton of guns off the black market and blow the crooks away.

I remember as a kid wondering why super heroes always go to elaborate lengths to save villains and bring them in safe and sound only for the criminal to escape and wreak havoc again.  Whoever invented “The Punisher” realized that clearly, the only way to stop a criminal from being evil again is to dispense with some hot lead justice.

I mean, for all the blowback Batman got for being a vigilante acting outside the law, the Dark Knight at least left the crooks tied up for the cops to arrest and the justice system to put on trial.  If you were an alleged criminal, you at least had a chance to go before the judge and argue that Batman got the wrong guy.  The Punisher has no checks and balances system.  If it turns out he ganked the wrong dude, the wrong dude remains dead.

Anyway, enough of that nerdery.  After three film versions, Netflix seems to have captured the essence of this fan favorite.  Jon Bernthal (fans of “The Walking Dead” know him as Shane) plays the ultimate sullen, sad-sack tough guy.  We are spared a detailed origin story, though newbs are spoon fed just enough of what they need to know about what drove Frank to become a gun toting one-man crime stopper.

In this version, it’s been six months since Frank took out the crew who killed his wife and daughter.  Somehow he thought that would be enough for him to move on be he can’t.  There’s a hole inside him and it can only be filled with dead bad guys.

Batman sends his baddies to Arkham.  Superman gives his baddies a stern talking to.  Spider-Man gums up evildoers in a web but Frank…Frank just shoots them.  That’s it.

After “Agents of Shield” I lost hope for a good Marvel TV show, but this series has renewed it.  Good show, Netflix.  Good show.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Does Frank even count as a superhero?  Discuss in the comments.

 

 

 

 

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Jan 22 2018
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Daily Discussion with BQB, Uncategorized

Daily Discussion with BQB – Nicki Minaj or Cardi B?

3.5 readers, I need you to sit down for a second because there’s a war a-brewing and it’s not being talked about enough.

Nicki Minaj’s delicious, delectable derriere has brought me much joy over the past several years, so much so that I always sing along with all of her butt raps.

But now there’s a newcomer, a young upstart, a new claimant to the “girl who is the best at rapping about her big butt” throne.

I don’t know, 3.5 readers.  Cardi B’s got it.  She’s rising up the charts.  She’s moving fast.  I mean, I only have so much time in the day to listen to girls rapping about their butts and now Cardi is taking time usually reserved for Nicki and splitting it in half.  Now my butt rap song listening time is divided between these two.

Seriously, now I know how the crack that divides the cheeks on those butts they’re always rapping about must feel.

Am I cheating on Nicki by listening to Cardi?  Did I form a relationship where a beautiful Nubian goddess promised to rap about her butt to me forever and in exchange, I promised to give her my money forever by buying her songs and shit but now, a new girl comes along?  Maybe this is how husbands end up cheating.  You meet a woman.  You fall in love.  You never think you’d stray but then here comes the new hottie with a fresh take on butt raps.

In any event, when I was a kid, Sunday was “In Living Color” night.  Between “The Simpsons,” “In Living Color,” and “Married with Children,” that night was like the most politically incorrect night on television.  Millennials would be so triggered by all that shit today.

Cardi and Bruno Mars put out a video where they dance on the fly girl stage just like the fly girls did back in the day on “In Living Color.”  No, it doesn’t make me happy to know all the things I enjoyed as a kid are fun nostalgia but I enjoyed the video just the same.

Don’t fight over me, Cardi and Nicki.  There’s plenty of BQB to go around.

Who will you choose, 3.5 readers?

 

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Jan 21 2018
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Uncategorized, Writing Prompts

I Have Raised the Price of BQB’s Writing Prompt Book

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

I’m conducting an experiment.

My book has been on sale since June.  Initially, I priced it at 2.99 and no one bought it.  So I lowered it to .99 cents and a few people bought it.  Since then, it’s been just several months of sadness and ennui.

I’ve heard that sometimes a low price can be a detriment to sales.  Sometimes authors will lower a book price just because they’re new and want to attract fans – get them hooked on cheap books and up the prices on the sequels.

But often times a cheap price is taken as a sign the author does not believe in his book.  Think about it.  Have you ever bought anything good at a .99 cent store?

Suppose you’re walking down the street and meet a hooker charging 99 cents for a good time.  You’d have to be crazy to take part in that, right?  Surely she’s charging such a low price because she knows something is wrong.  Perhaps she has a number of contagious diseases, or will give you warts, or crabs, or warty crabs, or penis rot or penis fire (that’s when your penis catches on fire or worse, she’s aware there’s some type of rudimentary steel bear trap buried deep inside her vagina and it will snap your penis in half if you dare enter.

Nay, you would totally run away from the 99 cent prostitute but what if you met the same prostitute and she offered a good time for 10,000?  Then you might be like, “Wow.  She’s really sure of herself.  Maybe her vagina is a magical land filled with rainbows and puppies and unicorns and pots of gold.”

Same vagina.  Two different prices but the prices cause you to think different things.

I worried about upping the price but then I remembered no one is buying it anyway, so I guess nothing will change and if it has no impact after a month or so I’ll just reduce it.  In any event, I’ll report back here how it all went.

By the way, this little enterprise does need to start making some money so not to nudge you, noble reader, but a) it’s not 2.99 yet so until Amazon effectively changes the price, you still have a little time to get my prompts on the cheap and b) if you wait, this is your chance to make a 2.99 contribution to the BQB cause (BQB’s cause is to make BQB rich) – my calculations indicate Supreme Overlord Bezos will take roughly 96 cents and I’ll rake in a whopping $2.04 so in theory, I could party with that 99 cent prostitute twice and still have change left over so not too shabby.

Whatever help you can provide, 3.5 moochers (er I mean darling readers) I would appreciate it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Jan 20 2018
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Inappropriate Musicals, Uncategorized

Angel of Death: The Jack Kevorkian Musical

SONG TITLE: The Angel of Death

(Dr. Jack Kevorkian, the notorious proponent of assisted suicide, hooks up a little old lady to a machine.  The machine is attached to a series of IV bags filled with deadly drugs.)

OLD LADY: Let me have it, doc!  I can’t take it anymore!

DR. KEVORKIAN: Don’t worry, ma’am.  In just a few minutes, you’ll be stone cold dead.

OLD LADY: Hooray!

(The police break in.)

KEVORKIAN: What’s the meaning of this?

(Everyone breaks into song.)

COP: Dr. Kevorkian, you’re an enemy of the state!

KEVORKIAN: Just wait!

COP: Dr. Kevorkian!  You’re killing people without a single care!

KEVORKIAN:  That’s not fair!

COP: Dr. Kevorkian, oh what, oh what will we do?  What will we ever do, with a dangerous reprobate such as you?

OLD LADY:  I’ll tell you what to do.  You should let this man go because he’s an angel…an angel of death.   Yes, he’s trying to kill me but that’s fine with me because I can no longer wait until my dying breath!  I’m filled with so much pain!

COP:  Lady, it’s just a sprain!

OLD LADY:  But it hurts to no end.

COP: Give it a day and you’ll be on the mend.

OLD LADY:  Who are you to say how much pain I’m required to comprehend?  This doctor is an angel…an angel of death!

COP:  This is chaos!  This is strange!  People deciding when to die is utterly deranged.  Sure you’re filled sorrow, but it might all turn around tomorrow, don’t you want to stick around and wait it out?

OLD LADY: No, I want to die, I’ve carefully thought it out!

COP: Ma’am, I doubt any of us are going to a better place.  Darkness is the only thing that we have to face.  Surely, if there’s more time for you in this world, you should seek it.

OLD LADY:  Meh! You can keep it.

COP: Kevorkian!  You’ve killed a bunch of old ladies, what do you have to say?

KEVORKIAN:  They’re all better off dead, if they were alive, they’d be suffering to day!  Oh diseases for which there are no cure, there’s only one thing left to do.  We’ll put down a dog, we’ll step on a frog, but a dying old person we’ll leave them for years to rot through and through….

COP:  I…I never thought I’d see it your way!  You’re an Angel of Death and you ease suffering and keep pain at bay.  Tell me doctor, will you kill my old mother without fail?

KEVORKIAN:  What makes her ail?

COP: The old bitch has a hang nail!

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Jan 20 2018
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Inappropriate Musicals, Uncategorized

Dahmer! (The Musical)

Moving on with our inappropriate musical series:

SONG TITLE: Eat My Friends

(Jeffrey Dahmer is surrounded by a number of people who leer at him.  They all break out into song.)

RANDOM MAN:  He’s a weirdo!  He’s a bum!

RANDOM WOMAN: He looks like he never has fun!

RANDOM MAN 2:  He wears window pane glasses that scare us off our asses!

RANDOM WOMAN 2: He drinks scotch in the middle of the day!  What more do we have to say?

ENTIRE CHORUS:  Come on! Let’s run away!

(Dahmer looks up and cries.  He pulls a power drill and a paper mache head out of a duffel bag.)

DAHMER:  Why?!  Oh why do they all run away?

Frightened by my appearance before they hear what I have to say!

I’ve come up with the only way – to make them stay!

Yes, on my happiness this idea depends!

And that is why I’ll eat my friends!

(DAHMER revs up the drill.)

I’ll drill a hole…

(A new CHORUS returns.  Each CHORUS member represents a different voice inside DAHMER’s head.)

CHORUS: He’ll drill a hole!

DAHMER: Inside their heads…

CHORUS: Inside their heads!

DAHMER: And surely that won’t make anyone dead!

CHORUS: No it won’t!

DAHMER: Upon this action, the police will surely frown, but I can tell you, this is all very medically sound!

CHORUS:  Of course!

DAHMER:  If no one will be a friend to me, then I’ll drill their heads until they become zombies!  They’ll cater to my every demand! They’ll obey all my commands!

CHORUS:  And if that fails?

DAHMER:  Then I’ll eat ’em.

CHORUS: Wow!

DAHMER: Fella, eat your friends, it’s the only way to keep a compadre or a pal.

Fella, eat your friends.  Nothing could be sour when you devour your bosom buddy or your favorite gal!

Oh, I’m going to eat all my friends, oh why, oh why can’t you see?  A friend can’t get any closer to you than when they’re deep inside your belly!

Oh, I’m going to eat all my friends, fry them up in a pan!  Add some salt, but just a smidge!  Put the leftovers in my fridge…oh yes, I tell you yes, I’ll eat my friends!

CHORUS:  Jeffy, are you really, are you really going to eat your friends?

DAHMER: You know it!

CHORUS: Are you going to filet them sautee them and eat them up from head to thighs?

DAHMER:  Hell, I think I’ll serve them up with curly fries!  Oh why, oh why can’t you see?  There’s nothing tastier, nothing more delicious to me!  I can’t think a better way of time to spend…then dicing and slicing and grilling up a friend!

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