Bookshelf Q. Battler and Video Game Rack Fighter, East Randomtown’s Nerdiest Power Couple Wishing You a Merry Christmas!
Dearest 3.5 Readers,
A quick note to say thank you, for you, my darling 3.5 readers, are the wind beneath my wings, the hot fudge on my sundae, the dip on my chips and the reason I keep writing.
As I reach the home stretch of the One Post a Day for a Year Challenge, I realize I’ve learned a lot about blogging, self-publishing, social media, building a fan base and so on.
What I’ve noticed is that unlike other activities, blogging…very slowly but surely…does yield results. Bookshelfbattle.com did better in 2015 than it did in 2014 and here’s hoping things just keep improving with every passing year.
Tell your friends so I can have 7 readers in 2016 and 14 readers in 2017. Let’s double everything every year!
It hasn’t been an easy year, what with attacks from the Yeti, Dr. Hugo Von Science choosing a dark path and the zombie apocalypse that decimated my hometown but amidst it all, you fine 3.5 readers have been there for me.
Thank you 3.5 readers. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Happy Whatever Holidays You Celebrate.
POINT: The idea of a fictional blog or blog is super dumb. People barely read at all. They won’t read stories on a blog. You’re wasting time that could be spent on novels.
COUNTERPOINT: I (or the “Alleged Man” behind all this blogging) don’t feel I’m at a point in my life where I can write with reckless abandon using my real name. Ergo, invest some time in producing the Bookshelf Battleverse on Bookshelf Battle and Pop Culture Mysteries. Develop BQB’s persona as a writer who must write to stave off invasion by the Mighty Potentate and BQB can put out books as BQB.
This blog was started by a man in a Taco Bell parking lot, who, whilst shoving a grande chalupa into his gaping maw, decided that he too could make a contribution of his own to America’s already bloated entertainment hole.
Living the dream, baby. Living the dream.
He spent most of 2014 learning how to blog. He’s still learning. If anyone knows how, please tell him.
2014 he more or less took on the role of a nerdy, uncredentialed online lit teacher. He wrote about his favorite books, poems, classic works and invited readers to talk about them.
He posted pictures of his toys next to his favorite books. Yes, he’s a grown man but he did that anyway. In fact, that’s how this blog got its name, because he called these photos, “bookshelf battles.”
That was all the blog was meant to be. Book reviews and images of a nerd’s toys.
And because he was too shy/reserved to reveal his name, he started going by the handle, “Bookshelf Q. Battler.”
2015 – The One Post a Day Challenge
With a self challenge to post once a day, the person behind this blog grasped for ideas to make his posts interesting. He still is. If anyone found anything on this blog at all interesting, please let him know.
Suddenly, Bookshelf Q. Battler began having adventures:
He gained an arch nemesis, an evil, fun hating yeti known simply as, “The Yeti.”
He informed everyone he is the caretaker of a magic bookshelf which causes literary characters to pop out of their books in tiny versions of themselves, then proceed to eat all of BQB’s food, run up his pay per view bill, and of course, fight over limited shelf space.
His former professor, Dr. Hugo Von Science, began writing a column entitled, “You Can’t Argue With Science.” Dr. Hugo would later switch his status from trusted good guy to traitorous super villain.
He explained to us that he lives in East Randomtown, a bug full of pathetic drooling dummies who view him as a celebrity because of his blog, which attracts upwards of 3.5 readers.
Oh, and he set the bar very low, deciding that as long as he gets 3.5 readers, he’ll keep blogging.
His long deceased uncle, Uncle Hardass, started a column, “Things That Really Frost My Ass” in which he makes fun of BQB’s attempts at becoming a writer, then moves on to a diatribe on everything bothering him.
An all powerful alien being, referring to himself as, “The Mighty Potentate” became incredibly disturbed by Earth’s love of reality television. He hates it and fears it will one day spread off of Earth and across the universe, replacing all scripted programming with shows in which video cameras simply follow morons around while they babble about nothing and engage in moronic activities.
The Mighty Potentate deemed BQB “the chosen one” – the writer whose words will one day inspire the masses to abandon reality television. (Oh and he’s decreed that if BQB kicks the bucket before doing so, he’ll send his alien army to conquer Earth and outlaw reality television so, you know, no pressure).
His Potentosity dispatched his emissary, Alien Jones, to assist BQB in his writing career. Alien Jones began writing an “Ask the Alien” column in which he takes questions from indie authors and promotes their works in his posts. He’s helped twenty or so authors so far. He has some misgivings as to whether or not BQB is actually “the chosen one” but doesn’t want to tell the Mighty Potentate, who has a penchant for vaporizing those who disagree with him.
BQB died on the toilet while shooting a lightning bolt out of his butt, BUT was given a second chance at life by William Shakespeare, who urged BQB to search for the meaning of life. In doing so, he met his current love interest, Video Game Rack Fighter, who is basically a female BQB except with video games instead of books.
Oh and there was a zombie outbreak that decimated his hometown but luckily 31 real, live actual zombie authors gave him the advice he needed to save the day.
You heard that right. Real, live successful people cared enough to help this guy out. I was as surprised as you were.
SO WHAT THE HELL IS THIS BLOG ABOUT NOW?
<DEEP BREATHE>
It’s a chronicle of a nerd named Bookshelf Q. Battler’s efforts to launch a successful writing career, thus getting an intergalactic overlord off his back and saving his alien buddy from vaporization (as well as the Earth from alien conquest.)
Along the way, he fights the Yeti, a mad scientist, endures his grumpy uncle’s rants, his ornery bookshelf characters’ attempts to destroy his house (oh and that’s called BQB HQ, a sprawling fortress wrapped around a small house his aunt gave him.)
He’s also very concerned about keeping VGRF as his main squeeze.
From time to time, he takes a break from his writing career to tell his 3.5 readers what he thinks about books, movies, life and so on.
The Alleged Man
BUT STARTING IN 2016, HE WILL REMAIN IN CHARACTER AND DIVORCE HIMSELF FROM – “THE ALLEGED MAN”
So a lot of people think there’s an “alleged man” behind all of this, that this mysterious individual just pretends to be Bookshelf Q. Battler, Alien Jones, Dr. Hugo, all the characters really.
Preposterous, though because BQB has, on occasion, broken character this year, I can see why people think that. Hell, even this post refers to an “alleged man” who just wrote about literature in 2014. Sloppy narration if you ask me.
Going forward, Bookshelf Q. Battler has to stop asking the 3.5 readers about what should happen to him because this blog is just the ongoing saga of his life as he tries to become a writer with all of the hurdles he has to jump over.
To bring down the curtain for a moment, BQB was modeled after this so-called “alleged man” behind the blog.
After all:
They’re both nerds.
They both love pop culture.
They both want to become writers.
BUT, as you can imagine, “The Alleged Man” behind this blog and BQB have had a psychological split of sorts because after all, IF this alleged man exists (and no one is admitting that he does because that’d be ludicrous), he certainly isn’t friends with an alien, nor does he fight yetis, etc.
GET TO A POINT ALREADY!
Starting in 2016:
Bookshelf Q. Battler will remain in character. Feel free to ask him questions, but he will respond in the manner of a nerd from East Randomtown who’s trying to launch a writing career in order to stave off an alien invasion.
He might even ask you questions but, you know, he’ll ask them as Bookshelf Q. Battler. For example, “Any ideas on how I can promote my blog so the Mighty Potentate doesn’t vaporize Alien Jones?”
Once in a blue moon, the hypothetical “Alleged Man” might give the 3.5 readers a peak behind the curtain but that will be rare and keep in mind, that’ll just be all fantasy because while BQB is real, the Alleged Man is totally fake. Some dude pretending to be all these characters? Absurd.
Thank you, 3.5 readers and please stop by in 2016 as Bookshelf Q. Battler will become a stronger, nerdier, and more sure of his identity as a struggling writer/yeti fighter.
“You go to make a movie and all you do is get criticized,” Lucas told Vanity Fair. “People try to make decisions about what you’re going to do before you do it. It’s not much fun. You can’t experiment. You have to do it a certain way.” – CNN
ON THE ONE HAND – I see his point. The great part of the Internet is that nerdy fans can comment and discuss their favorite movies, TV shows, books etc.
The downside is that its a great environment to make a lot of back seat drivers. “No! Those two characters can’t fall in love and WHAT?! You’re going to kill off so and so and WHAT that guy changed his mind and he’s no longer a bad guy now?!”
Hollywood listens to all this mumbo jumbo. Sometimes that turns out well when the fans know what they are talking about. Other times it falls flat when a director or actor or someone puts the kibosh on an idea that’s a little out there, beyond the norm, that would have paid off big time but they didn’t want to draw the fans’ ire.
Probably the most recent example I can think of is the latest Avengers movie in which Black Widow kicked ass all throughout the film and fans were like “Joss Whedon’s anti-woman! He didn’t give her enough to do!” Boo. Bad nerds.
ON THE OTHER HAND – The CNN article linked to above went on to say:
“The issue was ultimately, they looked at the stories, and they said, ‘We want to make something for the fans,’ ” Lucas said, presumably referring to Disney, which purchased Lucasfilm — including the “Star Wars” franchise — in 2012. “People don’t actually realize it’s actually a soap opera, and it’s all about family problems; it’s not about spaceships. So they decided they didn’t want to use those stories. They decided they were going to do their own thing, so I decided, ‘fine. … I’ll go my way, and I let them go their way.’ ” – CNN
Pbbbhhht. Well, true – Star Wars does have a lot to do with that damn dysfunctional Skywalker family…BUT, did we really need that Sound of Music-ish scene in Attack of the Clones where Anakin and Queen Amidala prance around in love in the field? No. More lightsabers and space ships please.
Revenge of the Sith was pretty solid, and when I was younger, I enjoyed The Phantom Menace and Clones mostly because I was just happy to see Jedis back on the screen.
But let’s be honest, those films were more about loading up on as many quirky, merchandisable characters as possible just to sell kids toys.
There’s nothing wrong with that. Bills need to be paid and that’s what these new films will do as well BUT I have a hunch that it will be done in a way that fans will be like “that was badass!” and “wow what a badass toy!”
The nerdy adults will be anyway. If your kids are yelling “badass!” they probably need a time out.
I get Lucas’ frustration though. It must suck to create this wonderful universe, bring it to the big screen, become the modern day father of science fiction and then be told by your fans that you, the creator of your own universe, are doing a bad job of running your universe.
That’s probably how Darth Vader felt when those pesky rebels started calling for rebellion.
SIDENOTE: One other example of fans taking over that I’ve seen lately comes from The Walking Dead.
SPOILER ALERT – REPEAT: SPOILER ALERT
Did you notice there’s a spoiler alert in effect? OK don’t say you weren’t warned.
Glenn may or may not be dead. The writers of the show have made it look like he totally is, but also left it open to a possible interpretation that he might not be.
Fans have been up in arms on social media, complaining that they have to wait to find out, how dare the writers toy with their emotions like this and so on.
I’m going to channel my inner Uncle Hardass and say, “get a job, hippies!” Hell, I love that show as much as the next guy. I’ve invested a lot of time into it. But when it appeared that Glenn died my reaction was “Awww, that’s too bad…*pause for 5 seconds* OK I better brush my teeth and get ready for bed.”
Seriously, who has time to worry about the fate of a fictional character? JOBLESS HIPPIES WHO NEED A JOB AT THE SALT MINES, THAT’S WHO!!!
Wow. I’m becoming an Uncle H. clone
What say you, 3.5 readers? Who calls the shots, readers or writers?
Personally, it’d be a great problem to have. I only have 3.5 readers and none of them have started calling the shots yet.
I suppose when I reach the point where people are like “We want more Yeti!” or “Alien Jones is like a hairless ALF, you hack!” then I’ll know I’ve made it.
A preview of an act coming to the East Randomtown Chuckle Hut in October…
Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian
ANNOUNCER:
Hey there, Ladies, Germs and anyone who hasn’t either been ripped to shreds or turned into a ghastly brain sucking monster, put whatever body parts you have left together and give a room temperature welcome to Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian!
SCHECKY:
Oh stop, stop! You’re far too kind!
No seriously, sir. Stop. You need to keep your hand on your spleen. That’s it. You got it.
I just shuffled in from LA and boy are my arms tired from being held out directly in front of me as I trudged all the way here in a slow yet methodic manner.
East Randomtown. Wow. Talk about the sticks. Last time I was in a place this small it was my casket! Whoa!
Is this thing on? No, I’m asking. Is this thing on? Because it looks a little loose and…aw crap. It fell off. Oh well. Who needs it?
Ladies! Where are all my beautiful ladies tonight? Fellas, women be shopping, am I right? Even in a zombie apocalypse, they’re all like, “Does this gas mask match this machete?” Ladies, please, stop torturing yourselves about your looks. Real men want your brains. Your sweet, delicious, yummy brains.
Lot of stuff going on in the news lately. Apple released a new iPhone last year, changed it a little bit, and now they’ve got a slightly better version for sale this year. And yet, somehow I’M the vicious monster. Oh no he did-ent! Yes he did!
Say folks, I see I’m about to get the bum’s rush here. Seriously, a bunch of bums just broke in and are about to hack me to pieces.
I just want to say I look forward to being a part of the #31ZombieAuthors deal that Bookshelf Q. Battler’s got going on this blog. Did somebody say 3.5 readers? Jeez Louise, I’ve seen backs of cereal boxes with larger fan bases.
This October, the shit is really going to hit the fan in East Randomtown. BQB’s going to bring you daily excerpts from his Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal, as well as daily interviews with renowned authors of zombie fiction.
BQB’s a top notch interviewer, let me tell you, because he’s going to pick the brains of these fine horror scribes and find out what makes them tick. Personally, that’s not something I’d ever do because I don’t play with my food.
What about me? Every Sunday, I’ll bring you weekly wrap-ups right here from the Chuckle Hut, East Randomtown’s Number One (and only) Stand-Up Comedy Lounge.
So mark your calendars, tell your friends, get ready to laugh, and don’t forget to tip your waitresses. No seriously, use a spear tip because they’ve all been turned into horrible, flesh hungry zombies.
Thanks a lot. I’ve been Schecky Blargfeld. Stay fabulous and better yet, stay delicious.
You might remember I proposed this idea in July and now September is rapidly approaching.
I’ve had some time to think about it, so if you’re a zombie author interested in helping Bookshelf Q. Battler and friends survive the zombie apocalypse this October, here are the revised details:
Q. What’s this now?
A. #31ZombieAuthors – (see hashtag on Twitter). I’m recruiting thirty one zombie authors to participate. There are thirty one days in October, so I’d like to interview one per day. Ideally, I’d like to recruit MORE than thirty one in case someone isn’t able to participate as planned (life happens and all) and if that leads to more than thirty one interviews, that’s great.
Q. And what is going to happen?
For thirty one days, Bookshelf Q. Battler (that’s me, I like to talk about myself in the third person) will write daily entries in his “Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal.”
The setup:
Bookshelf Q. Battler, his girlfriend Video Game Rack Fighter, and their alien buddy, Alien Jones aka the Esteemed Brainy One attend a scientific demonstration at the East Randomtown Mall (the shopping headquarters of our hero’s home town).
Alas, the demonstration is run by the mad scientist known as Dr. Hugo Von Science. Some say he’s incompetent. Others say he produces failed inventions for the purposes of spreading chaos. On this blog, we just know him as our humble science correspondent.
Long story short, Dr. Hugo’s experiment goes awry, the crowd of gawkers are turned into zombies, and BQB, VGRF and AJ go on the run in a desperate month long quest for survival.
It’s going to vary from author to author, but I propose anywhere from three-five questions. Maybe more or less but at any rate I’m not looking to be a burden on anyone’s time.
Some of the questions might be about zombie survival techniques. For example, BQB might ask you, as a noted zombie expert (after all, you wrote a zombie book) a particular question about how to defeat the zombies or how to survive, etc.
Also, this is a blog where writing and self publishing is discussed, so BQB might discuss your craft as well.
This is all meant to be lighthearted and fun, non-intrusive, and I really want everyone to walk away feeling as though their time was well spent.
When your day in October comes up, it will be something like:
“BQB’S Survivor Journal, Day 10, Today I was so concerned about the zombie epidemic that I spoke to Fred Smith, Author of Zombie Book.”
Q. I don’t know about this.
I don’t blame you. I’m a grown man who claims to be the owner of a magic bookshelf as well as the best buddy of an alien. Who wouldn’t kick the tires a bit on that scenario?
I get it. You’re running your own self-published author business. Your reputation is everything and you don’t want it being brought down.
Allow me to offer the following:
I’ll email you questions. You write back with your responses.
If you don’t like the finished post, and we can’t figure out a way to fix it that’ll make you happy, it’ll just come down. No problem.
Q. This isn’t like a typical blog interview I’ve done. Why all the interactivity?
I’m a big fan of Jimmy Fallon, who has successfully reinvented the stodgy, decades old late night talk show formula.
Remember Johnny Carson? What would happen? Some celebrity comes on, drones on and on about himself, Johnny pretends to be interested, Ed shouts out the occasional, “Ho, ho, ho, you are correct, sir!”
Jimmy plays games with his guests. Scar Jo comes on, guesses what’s in the box Jimmy’s holding, they have fun, I enjoy watching it and I’m reminded Scar Jo has a new movie coming out.
That’s the gist of what I try to do here.
With Alien Jones’ “Ask the Alien” column, twenty-one authors have asked the alien a question, and received plugs for their books and blogs in his answer.
Note that AJ has also given the “don’t like it, the post comes down” pledge and thus far, not one author has complained. Typically, they even tweet out, reblog and otherwise promote their alien interaction.
Q. I’m lost. What’s your blog about?
Here it is in a nutshell:
I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler. I own a magic bookshelf. When I put a book on it, the book characters come to life.
My friend is Alien Jones, an intergalactic emissary sent by the despotic space dictator, “The Mighty Potentate,” to answer questions in a column on my blog to raise humanity’s intelligence levels and prevent the spread of reality tv throughout the universe.
My girlfriend is Video Game Rack Fighter. We met while on a spiritual quest to consult the Great Guru about the meaning of life.
There are other ancillary characters who occasionally stop by, namely, The Yeti, Dr. Hugo, the ghost of my exceptionally grumpy uncle, just to name a few.
This blog is my chance to entertain my 3.5 readers.
Q. 3.5 readers?
It’s an ongoing joke. I can’t lie and tell you this blog is conquering the world, but it has been growing steadily since its inception in 2014. The gist of the joke is that as long as 3.5 people are reading, I’ll be motivated to keep writing.
Q. Can you tell me your name? I’d feel better about being interviewed.
A. Sure. My/BQB’s real name is Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finkelstein.
Q. No. Your real name.
Oh! You’re talking about nasty rumors that Bookshelf Q. Battler, Alien Jones, all of these characters aren’t real and that some random guy behind the scenes is pretending to be everyone.
Ridiculous! Preposterous, I say!
In theory though, if that were true, a guy like that would probably prefer to keep himself on the down low, at least until his writing starts paying the bills, so as to not find himself being hauled into an HR meeting to explain why he claims to be best friends with an alien.
You’d be surprised how few people outside of BQB’s 3.5 readers have a sense of humor.
Q. Thanks, but I’d rather not be involved.
I understand, kemo sabe. I don’t want to harsh your mellow. We’re all just fellow travelers on this spaceship called Earth so you be you and I’ll be me, man. Far out. Groovy. You dig it?
Q. This sounds awesome. I’m in!
Huzzah! I’ll be in touch with your questions! Ideally, I’d like to get all 31 posts in the can by September 20 so it can all go off without a hitch once October rolls around.
And I’m still recruiting, so if you know any zombie authors, spread the word,
Q. But I’m not a zombie.
Humans who write about zombies are acceptable, but if there is a zombie out there who has managed to write a book despite decaying hands and lack of a thought process, he’s welcome as long as he promises not to bite me.
I can relate, G.P. Humans can’t pronounce my name either, so that’s why I have to go with “Alien Jones” for the purposes of this column.
Have you ever considered you might be an alien? Food for thought.
The Esteemed Brainy One, Champion of Science, Despiser of Pants
Anyway, G.P.’s inquiry:
Ok, here’s a question for you Esteemed Brainy One. How come you aliens always have better stuff than us, you know: starships, probes, laser guns, and the like? And when we finally get ourselves some quality starships, probes, laser guns, and the like, what the hell are you guys gonna be using? Do we even stand a chance…?
Good question.
The short answer is…we are totally smarter than you.
The longer answer starts with…sex.
Or rather, my species’ inability to have it since we’re clones and those pesky bits and pieces that often manage to be the downfall of human kind have been written out of our genetic code for eons.
For more on this issue, I recommend picking up a copy of the Mighty Potentate’s copious volume, “Sex: The Bane of the Universe’s Existence.”
In it, the Mightiest of Potentates explains:
How all beings pretend like they do the work they do to fulfill themselves but really, everyone’s just looking for an angle to get rich and famous so they can obtain the mate of their dreams.
That in theory, this sounds like a good motivational tool to inspire the masses to dream big, live large, and dedicate themselves to education and hard work.
But in reality, all the greats who invent something magnificent usually switch their brains off once all the money and sex starts rolling in.
That my planet, the name of which is none of your business, was, many thousands of years ago, not unlike Earth. War, pestilence, plagues, famine, reality television, all which came about due to various despots seeking to prove their worthiness in the hopes of getting, well, you guessed it.
That once aliens of my species were cloned sans junk, our world became a happier place, one where we were free to experiment, try new ideas, explore, discover and create without fear that failure might lead to us not getting sex, because you know, we’re not interested now.
And finally, that despite our sexless existence, sometimes our egos get in the way, thus the need for the Mighty Potentate to remind us that our transgressions = vaporization.
By the way, more than lack of sex, the Mighty Potentate’s threats of vaporization are additional factor to which I attribute the advancement of our society.
For example, take the memoirs of Alien Guzman, inventor of the first intergalactic flight capable spaceship:
“While many before me looked at the stars and saw them as mere decorations dotting the sky, I dared to dream that one day I would be able to visit them. They are real, tangible, and the only thing that separated me from them was science. I would deny my dream no longer, for the limits of my ability are only limited by the depths of my imagination.
Also, the Mighty Potentate wanted a spaceship and said he’d totally vaporize the shit out of me if he didn’t get one.”
– Alien Guzman, The Esteemed Flying One
How moving. Or what about this quote from Dr. Alien Himmelfarb, who discovered the cure for alien cancer?
“This disease had cut short the lives of too many. It left nothing but suffering in its wake, for its victims as well as the caretakers of those afflicted. Something needed to be done. Society could no longer be allowed to live in fear of the ravages of this intolerable malady.
Also, the Mighty Potentate was diagnosed with it and threatened to vaporize the crap out of me if I didn’t cure him.”
– The Esteemed Healing One
There you have it. In short, the key for humans to become better inventors is two-fold:
Clone your genitals out of existence.
Swear allegiance to a maniacal despot who will motivate you through threats of vaporization.
Really, number three would be “invent vaporization” but I suppose you could replace it with any manner of demise until one of your human scientists realizes that a vaporization cannon can be created by hooking up a dehumidifier to a leaf blower and filling it with…
Nope. Never mind. I’ve said too much.
Now, to the next part of your question.
And when we finally get ourselves some quality starships, probes, laser guns, and the like, what the hell are you guys gonna be using? Do we even stand a chance…?
We aliens have done our best to keep humans from inventing these items, largely as we fear you’re not able to handle the consequences of them, but mostly because we fear you’ll use them to export reality television.
Surely, we can’t keep this up forever, and you are correct. By the time humans develop breakthroughs that are yesterday’s news to us aliens, we’ll already be onto the next thing.
Predictions:
STARSHIPS – will be replaced with intergalactic teleportation. The venerable Alien Reynolds has already developed the technology, it’s just a matter of creating a business model. Some aliens think there should be a gateway portal every ten miles, while others believe that there should be a gateway in every alien’s living room. Rumor has it that the Mighty Potentate is currently considering the issuance of a vaporization threat, so you can expect this to get off the ground shortly.
PROBES – Already obsolete. After millennia of probing, there’s no spoilers left in your spoiler, as it were.
LASER GUNS – have been obsolete since the invention of vaporization cannons. Currently, firearms expert Alien Alvarez has been commissioned by the Mighty Potentate to develop a prototype explode-o-vaporizer cannon. If successful, the device will cause a target to spontaneously explode, and then the remaining pieces are instantly vaporized. Word has it that AA is behind schedule and that the MP has declared that if he doesn’t pick up the pace soon, AA will be required to invent the device and then immediately use it to explode AND vaporize himself.
In closing, humans will always be woefully behind aliens, but by adjusting your society, getting ridding of your sex drives, and swearing fealty to a vaporization happy dictator, you’ll catch up in no time.
Look at that. I finished this column on schedule. I won’t be vaporized today! Huzzah!
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.
The Mighty Potentate here, commanding you to address your inquiries to my emissary, Alien Jones!
“What’s in it for me?”
Ah yes! The first thing any human asks! Right after, “Can I take a selfie?”
Ask the Alien a question, and if he likes it, he’ll plug your books and blogs in his answer on this most irreverent of sites, bookshelfbattle.com
BQB will tweet it with his @bookshelfbattle handle and on his Google Plus page.
18 authors assisted so far.
Will you be next?
Do not allow the vile forces of reality television to win! Help Bookshelf Q. Battler push his and your fiction to keep all of our collective televisions free of absurdly produced, low quality unscripted programming such as:
1. Tuba Wars – Have you got what it takes to be the best tuba player in the world?
2. Falafel Truck Nightmares – A leading falafel vendor helps others bring their falafel businesses up to speed.
3. Narwhal Makeover – The ugliest half-whale/half-unicorns (they really exist!) consult with beauty experts.
4. Who Wants to Be a Chicken Wrangler? – Self explanatory.
5. Cooking with Preppers – Have you ever wondered if it’s possible to make a stew out of a boot? Find out.
Don’t be shy, lowly humans. Ask the Alien a question today and Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers can be yours!
Not when you’re as big a fan of that holiday as I am.
And not when you’ve got a big idea in mind.
Today, my main squeeze Video Game Rack Fighter and I took a walk, did some shopping, and we stopped by a fortune teller who’d set up shop and was predicting futures at five bucks a pop.
VGRF talked me into it and, much to my shock, this mysterious gypsy lady with a kiosk next to the Orange Julius stand at the East Random Town Mall prognosticated the following:
That on October 1 of this year:
VGRF, Alien Jones, myself, and possibly The Yeti will take in a scientific demonstration by my mentor, the esteemed Dr. Hugo Von Science.
That Dr. Hugo, through his gross incompetence, will botch his experiment, thus causing a zombie outbreak to sweep over my hometown.
VGRF, Alien Jones, and myself will be left with no choice but to fight our way through the undead hordes until we reach the safety of the Bookshelf Battle Compound.
Perhaps we’ll even come up a cure for the zombie epidemic in the process.
But to get through this, we will need the assistance of 31, count em, 31 Zombie Authors.
ALIEN JONES: Zombie authors?! That’s ridiculous! They can’t even hold a pen.
BQB: No, I mean authors who have written self-published books about zombies. Though, hey, if there’s an actual function zombie who is an author, I’ll gladly talk to him as long as he promises not to bite me.
Every day, as a new part of the story unfolds, a self published zombie author will take a question from a member of our merry band of unlikely heroes.
Questions will mostly come from me, but Alien Jones and/or possibly the Yeti might have some inquiries. Maybe even Dr. Hugo will participate.
I’ve also heard rumors of this thing called “Women’s Lib” so hell, Video Game Rack Fighter will have some questions too.
Examples:
DAY 1 – We need some supplies. Author Fred Fredman of Super Scary Zombie Book, can you tell us the essentials of what a zombie apocalypse survivor needs to fend off the undead masses?
DAY 2 – The Yeti was just bitten by a zombie. Author Kate Katerson of Incredibly Frightening Zombie Book, do you know if zombie bites affect animals?
DAY 3 – We’re holed up in an abandoned shack and the TV’s working. Author Annie Annerson of You’ll Crap Your Pants if You Read this Zombie Book! Which zombie movie do you recommend we watch to pass the time and why?
I don’t know. Just some initial questions off the top of my head.
Heck, you non-horror authors could get in on this too. Submit questions you’d like to know about how to survive the zombie apocalypse and maybe one of the members of our survivor party will pass it along to an interested zombie author.
ANTICIPATED QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS IDEA:
1) Just self-published horror authors?
Not necessarily. If you’re a traditionally published zombie author, I’d love for you to participate as well. If you have a zombie blog or are some other kind of zombie writer, let’s talk.
Hell, if you’re George Romero, you can just take the blog over.
2) You do a lot of interactivity on this blog. Why a story? Why not just a straight-up interview?
In today’s rapid information age, anything fun is going to be checked out more than a traditional approach.
Take all the late night talk shows these days.
Long ago, all the stars would just sit on the couch and shoot the bull with Johnny and Ed. It was boring as hell.
We love stars but their stories about their acting method or the lunch they ate that gave them a tummy ache or whatever? Who cares.
Jimmy Fallon does hilarious bits with his guests instead. Be honest. Do you want to listen to Scar Jo babble about how hard it was to pretend to be whoever she just pretended to be, or do you want to see her play a rousing game of “Box of Lies” with Jimmy?
NBC – Box of Lies – The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
I loved that. There you go. Scar Jo’s latest movie promoted. I’m left thinking she’s a ball of fun and I wasn’t bored with a story about her acting process.
“Let’s Promote Ourselves with Fun” is what I’ve been going for with Alien Jones’ “Ask the Alien” Column, and that’s what I’m going for with this idea as well.
3) So what are you looking for?
Your choice of length to an answer posed by myself or one of my buddies. I’d say 500 words or so sounds decent, but more if you’re willing.
We could come to an agreement on what question would be best for you. If you have one in mind you want to be asked, that’s possible.
4) Are you going to make me look stupid?
Your books, blogs, reputation as a writer, they’re all important to you, as they should be. I fully understand. Hell, I’ve put so much work into my persona as”Bookshelf Q. Battler,” I’d be unhappy if someone besmirched BQB.
I’d envision the post with:
A) A quick synopsis of what happened today (day of post) with BQB’s friends vs. the zombies.
B) A quick overview of you, the author, including links to your books and or blogs and or Amazon page (or wherever you’re selling them)
C) An answer YOU WRITE that I’m not going to change. They’ll be your words, so you can’t go wrong.
5) I’m still skeptical.
I don’t blame you. I’m a guy claiming to own a magic bookshelf and also that I’m an alien’s friend. It’s understandable that you’d want to kick the tires on this one.
To that end:
A) Alien Jones has had 17 satisfied customers in his Ask the Alien column so far. I’ve never received a complaint from an author who participated yet. Usually they’re pleased enough that they retweet or share AJ’s witty commentary on their own blogs.
B) Alien Jones has a “Don’t Like it and It Gets Taken Down No Problem Guarantee.” If it turns out you don’t like the post, let me know, and it’ll come down. If we can fix it to your liking, that’s great. If not, no hard feelings. I get that writing is a business and you have to do what you have to do. No muss, no fuss, no problem.
But luckily, no author has asked for that yet. And I believe that’s a sign that when you take part in this, you’re in good hands with me and my alien.
6) Keep talking.
At present, I have 1,250 (approx) WordPress followers, 5,400 Twitter followers, and over 500 Google Plus followers. All will be notified of your awesomeness.
7) I’m not one of your 3.5 readers, so I’m not up to speed on your blog and therefore unsure if I could respond to one of your friends’ questions.
No problem. Here’s the lowdown:
Bookshelf Q. Battler = the owner of a magic bookshelf where small versions of literary characters come to life and fight over limited shelf space.
Video Game Rack Fighter = Bookshelf Q. Battler’s girlfriend and author of a video game review column hopefully coming soon, if she ever comes up for air from playing Arkham Knight.
Alien Jones – The Mighty Potentate, ruler of an undisclosed planet, is displeased with the growing popularity of reality television. He’s a fan of scripted media and feels promotion of fiction authors is the only hope to stem the reality tv tide. To that end, the MP has dispatched his emissary, Alien Jones, to answer questions from self-published authors and in the process, make Earth a smarter place one question at a time. Alien Jones truly believes in this mission, and isn’t doing it just because the Mighty Potentate has threatened to vaporize him if he abandons his assignment before BQB’s writing career is off the ground.
The Yeti – An international war criminal and fuzzy snow monster, The Yeti is currently imprisoned deep in the bowels of the Bookshelf Battle Compound. However, BQB isn’t completely heartless and allows the big lug out once a week to watch Scandal. Alien Jones brings the bean dip.
Dr. Hugo Von Science – A distinguished professor of science at Science University, Dr. Hugo is this blog’s science correspondent and holds patents on over a bazillion inventions. We’re fairly certain he might be plotting a global conquest in his spare time, but his generally goodnatured demeanor covers up his underlying intentions well.
There you go. That’s the blog in a nutshell. It’s a labor of love for me, and it’s enjoyed daily by 3.5 people, one of whom is my Aunt Gertrude.
(There are some subsidiary, occasional characters. Uncle Hardass, the ghost of my grumpy uncle, shows up once in awhile to tell me to give up all of my hopes and dreams of becoming a writer and get a job at the salt mines. The Funky Hunks are a rap group I used to belong to and they show up now and then too. Oh, and a whole slew of tiny book characters live on my magic bookshelf).
Don’t get me started on Bookshelf Q. Battledog.
I don’t believe the subsidiaries will get involved but you never know. 31 days means I need to come up with a lot of ideas to keep a story going.
8) You had me until you said you have 3.5 readers. Doesn’t seem worth it.
“3.5 Readers” is an ongoing, inside joke for this blog. In the beginning, I really did only have 3.5 readers. But I pressed forward and now I have more. Like any blog, I have up days and down days. I’d say on a good day I get anywhere around 30-70 hits.
Views are often double, sometimes triple, the hit count and I believe this is because people who do find this blog like it enough to stick around and read some more.
At any rate, I’ll do what I can to make this a fun, month long Zombie fiesta. On my own, I’m going to be writing about The Walking Dead and the new Fear the Walking Dead and overall, if this works out, it’s just going to be 31 days of zombies.
9) What’s in it for you?
Cross promotion, basically. If you enjoy what you see here, I hope you’ll do want you can to point folks to my ramblings. Not required, of course. That’s about it.
10) So now what?
At this point, I’d just like to get the ball rolling. I’m starting early because to recruit 31 people to respond to a daily ongoing story is going to be like herding cats.
Right now, I’d just like to see who’s interested enough to let me know. If you want in, Tweet me @bookshelfbattle or tell me in the comments here.
You can send me a private message on Twitter too. Just tweet me to let me know you sent it so it doesn’t get lost in the mass of spam I get from folks trying to sell me timeshares, miracle ointments, and **Cough cough*** self published books.
I’d say by mid-August, if I can wrangle enough authors to be interested in this, then I’ll be able to see who’s who, what’s what and come up with better questions that would apply to various authors.
If it’s a go, I’d like to get questions to you late August, or September and have 31 posts in the can by the time October rolls around.
But then again, this could be a dumb idea.
If it fizzles out and goes nowhere, then hey, I tried. You’ve got to try, right?
Feel free to share with anyone you think would be interested. If I see enough interest, I’ll start getting in touch with folks with formal instructions at the end of the summer.
Leave me your thoughts, 3.5.
Until next time, this has been Bookshelf Q. Battler and Video Game Rack Fighter, signing off:
Bookshelf Battle 