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Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Tag Archives: blogging
BQB Attempts to Get Spanish Readers with Google Translate
IN ENGLISH:
Hello. I am Bookshelf Q. Battler.
I have a blog with 3.5 readers.
I read books. I write novels. I fight yetis.
My best friend is an alien named “Alien Jones.”
Alien Jones’s boss is the Mighty Potentate. He is an intergalactic dictator.
EN ESPANOL:
Hola. Soy Biblioteca P. Battler .
Tengo un blog con 3,5 lectores .
Leo libros. Escribo novelas . Lucho yetis .
Mi mejor amigo es un alienígena llamado “Alien Jones .”
jefe de Alien Jones es el Poderoso Soberano . Él es un dictador intergaláctico .
NOTE: Anyone know why it changed the Q to a P?
Moving on…
IN ENGLISH:
The Mighty Potentate has demanded that I either write a book so fabulous that it convinces all of mankind to give up reality television or else he will send an army of aliens to conquer the world.
So in other words, the world will probably be conquered by aliens as I take too long to write.
EN ESPANOL:
El Mighty Potentado ha exigido que sea escribir un libro tan fabuloso que convence a toda la humanidad a abandonar televisión de la realidad o de lo contrario se enviará un ejército de alienígenas de conquistar el mundo .
Así, en otras palabras, el mundo probablemente será conquistado por extranjeros como tomo demasiado tiempo para escribir.
IN ENGLISH:
I live in BQB Headquarters with Bookshelf Q. Battle dog, Video Game Rack Fighter, and other assorted characters.
Frequent Blog Contributors include the Yeti, Dr. Hugo Von Science, Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio, Search Engine Optimized Poet, Nerdstradamus, and the exceptionally cranky Uncle Hardass.
Thank you. I hope you will be one of my 3.5 readers.
EN ESPANOL:
Yo vivo en la Sede de BQB con el estante P. Batalla perro, películas y videojuegos en rack de combate , y otros personajes variados.
Colaboradores de blog frecuentes incluyen el Yeti , el Dr. Hugo Von Ciencia , Anti – Suck Experto Vinny Baggadouchio , motor de búsqueda optimizado poeta , Nerdstradamus , y el mal humor excepcionalmente tío Hardass .
Gracias. Espero que sea uno de mis lectores de 3,5 .
NOTE: I cut and pasted this all from Google Translate, so I apologize if any of it was wrong or if any of it translates into something terrible. I hope I didn’t imply your mothers wear combat boots or anything.
BQB Applies Muhammad Ali’s Confident Trash Talking Skills to Blog Promotion
I am BQB and I am the Greatest Blogger who ever lived. I type a butterfly and post like a bee, you cannot ignore the words that your eyes already see.
I am the world’s fastest blogger. Fast with my fingers. I type so fast I make flames jump out of my keyboard. I keep the fire department on standby whenever I feel a musing coming on.
I write faster than a cheetah can breakdance. The other day I wrote a post so fast it broke the space time continuum. People read it before I even finished writing it.
If you match my typing fingers up against a bullet train, I’ll beat the bullet train every time.
I once blogged so fast that I made the earth rotate backwards just as Superman did when he turned back time.
The only way it could be fair for me to blog against the rest of you bums would be if I were to tie my best blogging hand behind my back. Tie them both back there for all I care. I can type better with my nose than most people can with their digits.
My blog posts are intriguing. They’re so intriguing that if you took every episode of Murder She Wrote, wrapped them up in soft taco shell made out of flour ground from the collective works of Stephen King and sautéed the whole mess in a sauce comprised of Agatha Christie’s sweat, the entire ensuing entree would not contain one quarter of the intrigue found in one of my posts.
People always be talking about The Huffington Post. You reporters are more crooked than an MC Escher staircase for writing that The Huffington Post puts my blog to shame.
The Huff Po may talk a lot of jive but I got the best readers and they number one, two, three point five.
I will blog circles around Huff Po. I’m up posting ten articles before the Huff Po drags its stinking ass out of bed in the morning and I’m tweeting the links to my stuff before the Huff Po has its morning coffee.
That’s right I also tweet like a butterfly too.
People always be talking about how Perez Hilton is a better pop culture blogger than me. Perez Hilton couldn’t blog his way out of a wet paper bag. Man draws dicks on celebrity faces and he acts like that makes him a comedy genius or something. I can draw a better dick on a celebrity face any time anywhere.
All you reporters asking me if I think I can out blog Icanhascheesburger?
Please. I don’t care how cute and adorable those kitties are. I will slap the cheeseburgers right out their stupid mouths and send them to bed without supper.
No, you furry bastards, no you cannot have cheeseburger.
Can I out gawk Gawker? You better believe it. I have never been sued by Hulk Hogan and even though that’s because Hulk Hogan is not one of my 3.5 readers I can still say I have never been sued by Hulk Hogan. Pretty much everyone else out there can say that too but still. It’s a miraculous accomplishment to not have been sued by Hulk Hogan. I wear my lack of a Hulk Hogan suit like a badge of honor.
The Drudge Report? “Oh look at me I’m Matt Drudge I’ve been HTML coding my own blog since the 90s.” Dude, please. I’m too busy creating blogs that break the surly bonds of the stratosphere to code my own HTML. I let those turkeys at WordPress do all my HTML coding for me.
I’ll hand it to Matt that he blew the lid off the whole Monica Lewinsky scandal but had I been around in the 90s there would have never been a scandal because Monica would have been too infatuated with me, as most women are.
TMZ? No. People prefer BQB. And when I say people, I’m talking about your wives, because once you go nerd, it’s the best you’ve ever heard.
3.5 hits may be the only clicks I gets but they’re also the only clicks I’ll ever need.
Because when you have the greatest 3.5 readers in the world then you are truly the greatest.
And finally, every blogger other than me is ugly. The greatest blogger in the world should be as pretty as me.
Write the Blog
I got nothing. Tell me what’s interesting in the blogosphere, 3.5 readers.
This is my 15ooth Post
This one. Right here. 1500 posts in two years and three months.
1500 rantings about nonsense.
1500.
I wish I had planned something better for it but I just noticed I was at 1,499 and decided to make it an even 1500.
I’ll have to plan a party for my 2000th post.
Blogging has been quite a trip. Often, I feel like it isn’t worth it. That I write so much and there’s so little response.
But then I see progress. All those followers and clicks add up. I’ve seen more progress add up in this than anything else I’ve done.
Anyway, thanks 3.5 readers. I’ll keep writing as long as at least 3.5 of you keep showing up.
Introducing Daily Discussions with BQB
Your chance to talk with BQB – World Renowned Poindexter, Magic Bookshelf Caretaker and Champion Yeti Fighter
Hey 3.5 readers.
Your old pal Bookshelf Q. Battler here.
Let’s talk.
3.5, I have to level with you. Over the course of many years, your humble blog host has acquired a number of unhealthy habits and allowing them to go for as long as I have has generally turned my flesh into more or less a jiggly cottage cheese like substance.
Caffeine. Sugar. Not exercising. Not getting enough sleep. These are among my problems.
I’m tired of it. I don’t want to go on like this any longer.
But honestly, it was easy for me to let things go for a long time because, well, when you’re unhappy and life is having a good laugh at all your plans, hopes and dreams, it’s hard not to pop a diet coke, unwrap a candy bar, and chillax.
Can’t do it anymore and, you all should be honored, because I’m not going to do it anymore because of you, my 3.5 readers.
Yes, you fine 3.5 readers clearly enjoy my site, seeing as how you all arrive to click on it 3.5 times a day, and I want to give you many, many more years of BQB goodness.
Selfishly, I want to give you many, many more years of BQB goodness.
To quote Jerry Maguire, you complete me, 3.5 readers. You really do.
You’re the ying to my yang, the pep in my step, the apple of my eye, the cream in my coffee, the hot fudge on my sundae, the up to my down, the smile to my frown and the Denver Broncos to my Cleveland Browns.
I have no idea about football. That last statement could have been negative, positive or neutral. I don’t know what those two teams think of each other. I just said it because I needed to end with a word that rhymed with frown.
I digress.
I’ve been reading a lot about making your life more efficient by getting up early. Hal Elrod’s The Miracle Morning for example is a good book on the subject.
Generally, a body is like a car and it requires a lot of upkeep, especially one that’s in, well, disrepair.
You’ve got to get your ass out and buy vegetables and healthy food instead of just letting Bookshelf Q. Battledog order pizza. (You wish you had a pizza ordering dog.)
You need to, I don’t know, make salads and vegetable juices and shit.
You need to go for walks and jogs and do jumping jacks and sit ups and all that horse shit.
You need to lift weights.
You need to plan out your day. Get things done so you don’t end up stressed, overwhelmed, and stop taking care of yourself.
I have been trying to wake myself up early in the morning just to have some extra time to do all this for many years now.
I pledge that I’ll do it but then I never do.
But you have to. Because at the end of the day, it is way to easy to tell yourself, “I’m tired. I’ll do it tomorrow.”
But tomorrow never comes! You just do the same bullshit tomorrow.
Or at least I do.
So I don’t really want to give you regular updates about the various healthy things I’ll be doing. That seems lame.
Instead, to keep myself honest and make sure I’m getting up everyday to do all this stuff, I’m introducing a new segment.
“Daily Discussions with BQB.”
Yes. I’m going to wake my ass up early. I’m going to post a quick discussion question.
It won’t be anything too elaborate. It will be something related to pop culture, self publishing, books, blogging, movies or what have you…you know, the stuff I usually write about.
It’ll give the blog a little boost. It’ll put pressure on me to wake up early. When I’m up early, I’ll start working on myself.
I’ll need your help, 3.5 readers.
If you ever see this blog without a daily discussion posted in the morning, rip me a new one. Yell at me profusely, call me horrible names, voice your unwavering disappointment with me.
Together, we’ll whip my ass into shape. I’ll be happier, I’ll live longer, I’ll be stronger and more able to work on my books which, let’s keep our fingers crossed, will earn me enough to buy a mansion in Malibu.
OK. I guess I can’t put it on you people to help me buy a mansion in Malibu.
Shack in Sheboygan?
Whatever.
Join in the daily discussion with me, 3.5.
Happy Tuesday Nerds
Hey Nerds.
Just a quick note as I’m trying to post once a day for…well either for the rest of my life or until I quit writing and allow the Mighty Potentate to take over, whichever comes first.
Things are heating up with How the West Was Zombed so be sure to check that out.
And I’m not quite sure about Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Bad Ass Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse yet but I feel like it could be just a collection of my humorous rants circulating around a zombie theme, the best part being that I don’t have to worry a whole lot about continuity because it is just a collection of tirades.
Anyway, give me your feedback on both. It is appreciated.
Do It Yourself Post Day
I’ve got nothing to offer today, 3.5 readers.
So instead, tell me what’s on your 3.5 minds in the comments.
State of the Bookshelf Address – 4/27/16
Sigh.
This was going to be the year that I was going to get a book self-published.
Now it is almost May and I don’t see that happening.
I’m 65,000 words into How the West Was Zombed. That’s a new record. And I can surely get that first draft done this year…but now my gut says in for a penny, in for a pound, I might as well write my next two sequel ideas and then edit and package them and put them all out together.
That could take like, another year. Crap.
I’ll have to see where I’m at when I’m done with Zombed. Perhaps I could rewrite it, edit it and publish it and then if people seem to like it, I can write the sequel.
Yet, my gut still tells me to write all three at once.
My gut also tells me I might waste a lot of time on an idea no one likes.
My gut is such a two-faced bitch.
There are a lot of things I am pleased with myself when it comes to Zombed.
Gunther and his sassy old-timer wisdom.
Doc the know it all and his mission to educate the world on the curative properties of cocaine (because, you know, he is an 1800’s doctor after all.)
The love affair between Doc and Annabelle surprised me…Anabelle was meant to be a throwaway character without much development and now I find myself more enthralled with Doc and Annabelle’s romance than the love triangle between Slade, Miss Bonnie and the Widow Farquhar.
Sigh. Zombed was meant to be a stand alone. A quickie to give me the experience of getting a self published book under my belt by the end of the year. An experiment in figuring out what can go right and wrong in self publishing.
But now that it is May and the draft isn’t done yet I feel like I blew it.
Yet, I also feel like I’m at a “it will be done” rather than “will it be done?” phase, which is new for me.
When Zombed is done, I think I will turn my attention towards:
A) Writing the Zombed sequel.
B) Writing a stand-alone book. And I MEAN STANDALONE. A book with a beginning, middle and an end, a plot worth it enough to keep turning the pages but not so complicated that I have to sit down with a flow chart and a slide rule the way I’ve been doing with Zombed lately.
And basically what I will do is work on Zombed sequel, then when I get stuck about what happens next, work on the other standalone.
And I’ll share it all on the blog for your comments…and I’ll probably work less on all the funny lists etc. to make more time for novel writing.
I’m not sure what the standalone will be about….ironically, it may be a comedy in modern times about one family’s efforts to deal and come to terms with each other’s bullshit…during a zombie apocalypse.
Sigh. I never set out to be a zombie guy though. But in my mind the story has a clear beginning, middle and end and no bizarrely complicated plot about a vampire corporation mucking things up.
This has been hard. I have so many ideas. And my ideas are like my babies and when I can’t get them all written it is like I’m abandoning my babies.
At the same time, I do intend to some day move forward with Pop Culture Mysteries. That film noir private detective style is just so, so much fun for me.
I’ll get to Jake’s hi jinx some day, I guess.
And there are ideas I’ve yet to even share. There’s one so utterly complicated and befuddling I’m not even sure I’m a good enough writer to write it yet but I hope to get there some day.
Anyway, thanks 3.5 readers. Stats have been breaking 100 the past two days, the search engines are bringing in like 50 hits a day on their own the past week or so.
This is one of few pursuits I’ve stuck with in life because of the ever improving results.
I mean, the results aren’t that great, I only have 3.5 readers…but in 2014 I only had 1.5 readers.
30.5 readers by 2020, baby.
Bookshelf Battle 