3.5 readers, please place your comments here vis a vis your theories as to why I don’t have more than 3.5 readers. Thank you.
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Tag Archives: blogs
For Those Just Tuning In…
In case you’re not up to speed on your Bookshelf Battle history, this blog is the best blog ever created about a magic bookshelf caretaker who spends his days toiling away at Beige Corporation, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories, and his nights at BQB HQ, fighting the forces of evil and writing books to appease the maniacal alien overlord known as the Mighty Potentate.
:::deep breath:::
If you can find a better blog about a magic bookshelf caretaker who spends his days toiling away at Beige Corporation, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories, and his nights at BQB HQ, fighting the forces of evil and writing books to appease the maniacal alien overlord known as the Mighty Potentate…then you’re welcome to check it out.
Or better yet, allow my spokeswoman to explain what this fine blog is all about:
Does this blog suck?
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here, channeling my inner Vinny Baggadouchio and asking if my blog sucks. Does it suck?
If it does suck, what are some ways in which I can make it not suck?
If it does not suck, why do you think it does not suck?
Personally, I feel it needs more organization because my posts get buried in the blogroll whereas there might be some gems from the past that people might like to check out.
Also, in retrospect, I’m not sure that “Bookshelf Q. Battler” was the catchiest of pen names to choose, but after investing three years into it, I’m not sure it is wise to start over from scratch with something else.
Also, this blog is supposed to be, in part, a chronicle of my BQB adventures yet I feel like I never have the time to tell you all about the amazing nerd adventures I have been on. Would you read them if I did? People don’t seem to read stories on blogs, I have been noticing. So in that regard, perhaps this idea for a blog was dumb but again after three years, I feel like I just can’t cut bait and run. Who knows if another blog idea would do any better?
Thoughts? Thank you 3.5. Also, why haven’t you 3.5 readers become 3,500.5 readers yet? What are you waiting for? What can I do to make this happen?
Are You a Nerd? Become One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers!
Hey 3.5 readers.
Bookshelfbattle.com is an awesome place for nerds to commune in the spirit of nerdery while talking about nerdy things.
But don’t take my word for it. Here’s a lady nerd to fill you in on the details:
Sigh. I’m hooked on Fiverr now. Anyway, if you want to hire this performer to do a card slide promo, check her out on Fiverr.
In Case You Missed the Message from My Spokesperson…
Hey 3.5 readers.
So, my spokesperson delivered her message flawlessly and that message is way too important to remain buried under the blog roll. Plus, I paid five bucks for it.
In case you missed it, here’s my spokesperson again, telling you all the reasons why my blog is so awesome:
Bookshelf Battle Blog Under New Management
Good Day, 3.5 readers.
Lead Counsel for Mr. Battler, Delilah K. Donnelly here.
It is my unfortunate duty to inform all 3.5 of you that Mr. Battler and his longtime girlfriend, one Miss Video Game Rack Fighter, have split up over irreconcilable differences.
Although terrible news, this normally would not be a matter of legal concern. However, as it turns out, Ms. Fighter was an incredible legal researcher and was able to convince a court of law that by virtue of East Randomtownian Law, she and Mr. Battler had established a common law marriage by living together in sin for so long.
After an intense, seventy-eight hour negotiation session, a divorce agreement was reached and the property of the Bookshelf Battle Blog shall be divided as follows:
- BQB HQ – Goes entirely to Ms. Fighter in recognition of the two years she lived there, even though Mr. Battler lived his entire life there and it was gifted to him by his beloved Aunt Gertie.
- The Magic Bookshelf – Goes to Mr. Battler as Ms. Fighter views it and the characters who live it as little more than a nuisance.
- Ms. Fighter’s Video Game Rack – Entirely to Ms. Fighter, though Mr. Battler may borrow her copy of Car Thief Mayhem once a month but only if she is not playing it.
- Mr. Battler’s Action Figure Collection – Entirely to Ms. Fighter, not because it has any monetary value but because Mr. Battler believes that he will not be able to attract anyone with a vagina if he retains it.
- Mr. Battler’s Collection of Used Whoopie Cushions and Rubber Chickens – To Mr. Battler in an effort by Ms. Fighter to show that she is not a total monster.
- Mr. Battler’s Vintage 1990s Pornographic Magazine Collection – Sold at public auction and distributed evenly between the parties. Now the property of ex-mayoral candidate Leo McKoy, who has been known to enjoy photos of half-naked women wearing nothing but flannel lumberjack shirts and hair-dos reminiscent of Rachel from Friends. Mr. McKoy’s only public comment on the matter was, “I’ll be there for you…ugh.”
- Alimony – Ms. Fighter retains the right to garnish 99.99% of Mr. Battler’s earnings as an assistant to the assistant of the vice-president for corporate assistance at Beige Corp., the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories.
- Bookshelf Q. Battledog – Full legal custody with Ms. Fighter. Court supervised visits for Mr. Battler every third leap year.
- The Yeti – Full legal and physical custody to Mr. Battler. Ms. Fighter will be within her rights to sue for mental pain and suffering if Yeti visitations are attempted.
- Alien Jones – Retains his position as Mr. Battler’s intergalactic advisor. Will continue to nag Mr. Battler until he writes a novel that inspires the masses to abandon reality television so that the Mighty Potentate will not conquer the planet.
- Dr. Hugo Von Science, Uncle Hardass, Vinny Baggadouchio, Search Engine Optimized Poet, Nerdstradamus and Other Assorted Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnists – Will now be employees of Ms. Fighter.
- The Bookshelf Battle Blog – Full ownership goes to Ms. Fighter. Mr. Battler will no longer be allowed to post on penalty of being shot into the sun via a high velocity cannon. Ms. Fighter will be able to post whatever she wants.
- Mr. Battler’s 3.5 Readers – Now the property of Ms. Fighter. They are not allowed to read anything written by Mr. Battler under court order.
LEGAL CONCLUSIONS
This is indeed a horrendous development, 3.5 readers. Mr. Battler did so enjoy posting for your enjoyment, and even when you did not enjoy it, which by my understanding was most of the time.
I understand that you know me as one of the finest attorneys in the land and therefore you may wonder how Ms. Fighter was able to reach such a one-sided settlement. All I can say is, she started high and sold low. The alternative to this agreement was that Mr. Battler would have been required to slam his genitalia in a steel loading dock door from now until the end of his life and record every slam and post the footage on YouTube.
All things considered, I’d say Mr. Battler got off easy.
As for Detective Dashing and myself, Ms. Battler has issued no decrees as to whether or not she will utilize our services at this time. As far as I am concerned, I shall remain Mr. Battler’s attorney until further notice and will continue to advise him as he begins his new life in the roach infested Random Motel, East Randomtown’s premiere pay-by-the-hour lodging resort.
Mr. Battler thanks you for being his 3.5 readers and asks that you do not weep for him, for, as he bravely put it, “It was better to have had 3.5 readers and lost them than to never have had 3.5 readers at all. Also, Video Game Rack Fighter Sucks Yeti Butt.”
His words, not mine. I do not say such vulgarities.
Enjoy the rest of your day, 3.5 readers.
Ask the Alien -12/31/16 – Bookshelf Q. Battler’s End of Year Stats for 2016 (A Report to the Mighty Potentate)
Dear Mighty Potentate,
It’s been roughly two years since you have me to look after Bookshelf Q. Battler, the human author you believe possesses so much talent that he will one day write a novel so perfect that it inspires the masses to abandon reality television.
Not gonna lie, I still don’t see that side of him but hey, you’re the Mighty Potentate.
At any rate, I do believe that his blog, despite being only read by 3.5 readers, has convinced humans that reality television must be rejected. After all, it’s not like America, the greatest of all Earth nations, has elected a reality television star as their ruler or something. I firmly stand by that statement and also, please don’t watch any Earth television.
Bookshelf Q. Battlers End of 2016 Stats are as follows:
WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS: 2,025
TOTAL 2016 VISITORS: 16,389 (I cannot confirm nor deny that most of these were BQB’s Aunt Gertie).
TOTAL 2016 LIKES: 7,502
TOTAL 2016 VIEWS: 27,524 (Most were people who came here looking for directions on how to get away from here).
TWITTER FOLLOWERS: 8,184 (Follow BQB @bookshelfbattle)
FACEBOOK FOLLOWERS: 287 (Though BQB is considering scraping up some cash to use as a bribe to Earth Techno-Lord Zuckerberg to allow him more Facebook friends. Like BQB on Facebook – @bookshelfqbattler)
Moreover, oh Potent One, BQB continues to seek new ways to bring traffic to his most pathetic blog. Search engine optimization appears to be BQB’s forte as he has brought in 11,576 visitors this year alone through search engine hits (though again, most were people who came here looking for directions on how to get away from here).
Based on these stats, Mightiest of Potentates, I recommend holding back your invasion of Earth for another year in order to allow BQB to continue working on his writing career. He’s building a platform, he continues to try, and though he has the attention span of amoeba, I believe 2017 will be the year when he publishes a novel.
As always, it has been a pleasure serving you, oh splendid Potent One, and though there have been rumors to the effect that I feel this job is far, far, far below my capabilities, I gladly accept any and all orders you have with a smile.
But seriously…please don’t vaporize me.
Your humble servent,
Alien Jones, the Esteemed Brainy One
The Best Gift You Can Give BQB This Year
Hey 3.5 readers.
Did I mention I’m still a yeti hostage?
I’ve been forgetting to mention that.
The Yeti is still in control of BQB HQ, but that’s not important at the moment.
What’s important is that fact that this exemplary blog is at 1,988 followers.
That means if twelve more people follow me, I’ll be in the big leagues of having 2000 followers.
Even then, I only have 3.5 readers. A lot of people follow but for some reason, only 3.5 people ever read.
So follow me nerds, as I would love to have 2,000 followers by Christmas.
Is this blog dumb?
Discuss, because I gotta be honest, sometimes my inner magic eight ball comes up saying, “All Signs Point to Yes.”
What say you, 3.5?
Bookshelf Battle 