Tag Archives: book bloggers

Mar 26 2015
16 Comments
Writing

The State of Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Novel Writing Adventures

Dismal.

Or, maybe not.

As the 3.5 are aware, I’ve whined about this subject a bit.

My problem?  I keep coming up with ideas that are so grand, so sweeping, so involved – so many places, characters, moving parts, things going on.

As a newbie, a book like that feels like biting off more than I can chew.

I’ve tried other ideas.  Ideas that seemed easier, simpler, more down-to-earth.

Inevitably, I end up turning those seemingly simple ideas into epics as well.

So here’s my thought – why fight it?

I’m thinking maybe I’ll embrace my favorite of my many started and stopped novels and work on it in chunks.

In other words, rather than try to push out a thousand page novel (given all that’s going on, I fail to see how it could take less than a thousand pages) – and just write the first part and try to get it published.

Or just bypass traditional publishing and go the self-publishing route.

If people like the first part, I keep telling the story with a second, third, fourth etc installment.  I don’t know how many pages but given what’s in my mind, it will be a lot if the installments keep coming.

Kind of a grandiose idea.  In total, it’d take years.  But obviously there’s have to be some interest in the first or second installments to keep going.  If there is interest, I’m sure that’d light a fire under my butt to work harder.

Ultimately, I’m proposing a sweeping epic tale told in several installments/books and when all the books are finished they all link up in one overriding story arc.

Don’t mind me, I’m just thinking out loud.

What say you, 3.5?

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Mar 22 2015
1 Comment
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 3/22/15 – Pixels

Greetings Earth Losers.  Alien Jones here to answer your questions and The Esteemed Brainy One
pump your planet full of extraterrestrial intelligence.

Why?  No offense, but your planet is dumb.  Very dumb.  There are no words to express its level of dumbositude.  So very, very, very dumb.

This week I answer a question from none other than Blogger-in-Chief, Bookshelf Q. Battler, who continues to be a Yeti hostage:

Alien Jones!  BQB here.

Pixels – WTF?

WTF indeed, BQB.  WTF indeed.

Feast your vision receptacles on this trailer, insignificant humans:

Pixels Trailer – Sony Pictures Entertainment

Coming to a theater near you this summer…assuming the North Koreans are cool with it.

To elaborate on BQB’s “WTF” I will ask and answer questions I assume are on the minds of this blog’s 3.5 readers:

Q.  In Pixels, 1980’s era humans place a time capsule on the Moon which contains, among other examples of Earth culture, 1980’s video games.  The aliens misunderstand and take the time capsule as a threat of war and respond by creating massive video game characters, which they use to attack Earth.  The trailer shows Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, and Space Invaders attacking Earth.

Is it possible for such a misunderstanding to lead to an intergalactic war?

A.  Such misunderstandings happen all the time.  The Moloklaxons have been on a thousand year campaign, sweeping through the galaxy, taking one planet after another, all because an ambassador from the Intergalactic Diplomacy Organization broke wind in their ruler’s presence.  It wasn’t meant as an insult.  The ambassador had some bad tacos the night before and couldn’t help it.

Q.  But seriously, aliens think video games are real and respond with giant video game characters?

A.  Most species laugh at your video games because ours are so much better.  Few species would respond with war, though the Moloklaxons are willing to fight over anything.

Q.  What’s the point of this movie?  Is it serious?  Is it a comedy?  What the hell is going on?

A.  There are some serious looking Independence Day-esque scenes of monuments being attacked by video game inspired space ships.  On that note, it looks serious.  On the other hand, it stars Adam Sandler and it is about attacking video game characters, so it must be a comedy.

Q.  Is it going to be good?

A.  It will either be great or it will suck with the force of a thousand Dysons.  There will be no in between.  It will either be considered a unique and fun premise or will be Sandler and co’s attempt to run around with video game characters of their youth that sadly today’s kids don’t care much about.  Pac Man was fabulous for its time but today’s youngsters want Call of Duty.  

I fear young people will be like “Who’s Pac Man?” and old people will be like, “I’m so old because I used to play Pac Man!”

I will withhold judgment until I see it and will hope that it is excellent.

Q.  Is there a ray of hope?

A.  It stars Peter Dinklage in a role where he is not Tyrion Lannister.  He is always great as Tyrion but this will give him a chance to branch out.

Thank you for your time, 3.5 readers.  Kim Magennis, loyal Bookshelf Battle fan and proprietor of the Whimsy Blog  submitted some questions.  I have been a bit swamped this week, what with my ongoing diplomatic efforts to convince various worlds to stop trying to annihilate one another.  I will definitely get to those next week.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

Alien Image Courtesy of “Marauder” on openclipart.org

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Mar 20 2015
1 Comment
Quotes

Maya Angelou on Untold Stories

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

– Maya Angelou

There’s truth to that, isn’t there?  Sometimes life would be easier if I didn’t feel this need to write…

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Mar 18 2015
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Uncategorized

A Memo from the Mighty Potentate

Behold, the official memo from the Mighty Potentate, Supreme and Undisputed Emperor of Planet Name Redacted ordering Alien Jones’ to become a columnist for bookshelfbattle.com

I don’t mean to brag or anything but, you know, I have 3.5 readers and one alien emperor reading this thing.

A Memo from the Mighty Potentate

Reminder – submit your questions for the Esteemed Brainy One by midnight Friday (as in midnight Friday wherever you are in the world, for my international readers) for a chance to have your questions (and a plug for your book, blog, whatever project you are working on) featured in his Sunday Column.

Tweet your questions to @bookshelfbattle, leave them in the comments on this site, or on my Google Plus page.

And remember, 4000 twitter followers will get the Siberian Yeti out of my Headquarters, so if you haven’t followed yet, please do!  (Not trying to guilt you or anything, but if a follow could free you from Yeti captivity, I’d totally follow you.  Just the kind of guy I am).

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Mar 12 2015
5 Comments
Writing

Howard Stern, Podcasting, and If You Want to Do Something, Do It!

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.  Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog brought me the Yeti’s Commodore 64, which will allow me a few minutes to post before the Siberian Yeti wakes up from a power nap.  I will have to hook up said 1980’s computer to a gas generator just to get it to work hard enough to power a wordpress blog post.

I was listening to Howard Stern this morning.  I like him.  You might not, but that’s not really the point here.

I’m afraid I came into the conversation late but basically, Howard said something to the effect that podcasts weren’t going to get an aspiring broadcaster anywhere, and if you really want to broadcast, then you need to do the legwork necessary to get a job in broadcasting.  A comedian with a podcast trashed Howard for not being with it, tech savvy, or however you want to put it.

Howard added the example of how ludicrous it would be for a comedian to only put out a podcast of his comedy from his house rather than try his luck at a comedy club.

Honestly, that seems like sound advice.  I’m not trying to become a broadcaster.  I am attempting to build a platform in the hopes that one day I’ll be able to promote my writing to followers.  Sometimes I feel like I’m putting the cart before the horse.  It’s like I’m trying to get readers before I have a book for them to read.

I would split the difference between Howard and the comedian (whose name I did not catch) and say a) yes if you want to be a broadcaster, there is no substitute for a job in broadcasting and b) but while you are waiting for that big break to come along, I would think a well designed podcast with a lot of work behind it could only strengthen an aspiring broadcaster’s chances of landing that dream gig in radio or TV.

In other words, don’t stop seeking out that big broadcasting job, but while you are waiting for it, take advantage of podcasting to strengthen your skills.  Don’t sit there and think your podcast will one day take you to the bank, so you need not apply to radio stations.  However, while you’re waiting for radio stations to get back to you, don’t sit at home twiddling your thumbs.

Here on wordpress, we’re bloggers.  We all have varying interests, but in the end, it is safe to say that many of us hope our blogs will result in a profitable writing career.  (It is ok to admit that, really!)

Is blogging a substitute for a paid writer gig?  Probably not.  In my case, as a hopeful fiction writer, all I can really do is try to whip up some interest while I wait for my lazy self to push that book out.

But, to apply Howard’s advice to my situation, he’s right.  A blog isn’t a substitute for a book.

What say you, 3.5 readers?  (By the way, I had a laughing fit when Howard said that the comedian in question probably only has 3 listeners.  Sounds like me and my blog.)

Or is it the Yeti’s blog?  Alas, I hear the Yeti stirring, so I best cover up the Commodore 64 and return to watching Olga cook her stews.  What stew will she cook next?

By the way, if you haven’t followed me on twitter yet, please do.  4000 followers will send the Yeti packing.  And don’t forget to submit your questions to Alien Jones.  He fears no Yetis.

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Mar 11 2015
6 Comments
The Siberian Yeti

Yeti Book Review

Hello.  This is the Yeti.  I am reviewing a book.  Can you see it?  I don’t care.  It is a good book.  Buy it already.  Or don’t.  What do I care?  END OF BOOK REVIEW!

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Mar 10 2015
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The Siberian Yeti

Ten Ways to Stretch Your Toilet Paper Rations

By:  The Siberian Yeti, Newly Self-Apponted Ruler of the Bookshelf Battle Blog

3.5 readers.  How utterly decadent.  Very Western.  Very American.  Very “oh look at me, I’m a blogger, I’m special, I’m going to post a picture of what I ate for lunch today because I am so great everyone will want to know!”

Bozhe moi.  In my village, we have only one newspaper.  Literally, we only have one copy of a newspaper.  It was printed in 1943 and we Yetis have been reading it ever since.  It is our second favorite form of entertainment, the first being our state of the art Commodore 64.

But you Americans?  You have so many options to choose from when it comes to the written word.  So much free thought can’t be good for you.

You may notice that Bookshelf Q. Battler’s posts are still popping up now and then.  They will do that for awhile.  He has scheduled many posts in advance.

But rest assure, Mr. Battler and his Head of Security, Bookshelf Battle Dog, are locked up in the basement, where they are being forced to watch a selection of my favorite Russian films:

Olga’s Stew-stravaganza

Dude, Where’s My Yugo?

Ivan and Anatoly’s Adventure, Which Was No More or Less Excellent than the Adventures of Other Citizens

Vodka Wars

The Passion of the Ration 

For over a year, I have requested that Bookshelf Q. review my book, Ten Ways to Stretch Your Toilet Paper Rations.  Imbecile that he is, he has constantly refused me.

Now I know why.  Look at this ridiculous display of Western greed I found in the bathroom once occupied by the former proprietor of this so-called book blog:

Bookshelf Q. Battler, that is definitely more than 3 squares!

Bookshelf Q. Battler, that is definitely more than 3 squares!

As you are aware, we Siberians believe in weekly rations of three squares of toilet paper.  No more.  No less.  Frankly, we could get by on two.  We would be grateful to just have one.

But four squares?  Why don’t we just put on cowboy hats and have fake silicone bosoms attached to ourselves while we’re at it?

Now that Bookshelf Q. Battler is indisposed, he can no longer stand in my way.  I will now review my book myself.

Ten Ways to Stretch Your Toilet Paper Rations, a new non-fiction book by the Siberian Yeti, is a fantastic read.  You are all ordered to purchase it immediately.  End of review.

If you are unable to find my book on your favorite American website, Amazon, the site you fat, stupid, lazy Americans use to have flying robots deliver snacks and video games straight to your homes, thus allowing your copious bottoms to become one with your couches, then I will simply share the ten ways below:

Top Ten Ways to Stretch Your Toilet Paper Rations

10.  Pinecones.  Don’t ask.  You’ll figure it out.

9.  Stop eating.  You’ve had enough already.

8.  Use both sides.

7.  Subsidize your TP budget with leaves.

6.  Use pages from the 1943 newspaper.

5.  Seek assistance of rabbits, as suggested by noted American philosopher Eddie Murphy

4.  Horde TP squares during times of constipation, and they will be ready in times of dispensation.  Always be ready for times of boom and bust.

3.  Barter your services in exchange for payment in TP squares from your fellow man.

2.  Run through a car wash.  One day we might get cars that don’t fall apart when we wash them.

1. Hold it indefinitely.

Yes, my new book is sure to be a big time NYT bestseller.  Step aside, Mr. James Patterson.  Out of the way, Mr. Steven King.  The Siberian Yeti will be climbing the charts, all thanks to my conquest of a book blog viewed by 3.5 readers.

We Siberian Yetis do everything our government requests of us with no question.  You silly free-thinking Americans are no doubt filled with questions, so you may leave them in the comments below and I will respond with all the ways in which you are wrong.

I must go now and give Bookshelf Q. Battler his daily water ration.  One dixie cup.  No more.  No less.

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Mar 07 2015
7 Comments
Books, Uncategorized

BOOK REVIEW – LOCK-IN – John Scalzi

Woo hoo!  An honest to God book review on bookshelfbattle.com!  It’s about time!

Threeps are now walking around on my bookshelf. They can hold their own in the never-ending battle.

Threeps are now walking around on my bookshelf. They can hold their own in the never-ending battle.

Without a doubt, John Scalzi’s Lock-In was the best book I read in 2014.  Unfortunately I waited until March of 2015 to review it, but better late than never.

If you’re planning to read it yourself, you might want to click off of this review.  I’ll try my best to avoid them, but some spoilers may emerge.

First off, the premise is unique and original.  In the near future, a virus ravages the world and inflicts one percent of the population with Haden’s Syndrome.  This condition causes people to “lock-in” to their bodies.  Their minds work, they understand what’s happening around them, but they can’t speak or move.  Their minds are trapped in paralyzed bodies.

These individuals come to be known as “Hadens.”  Technology grows and expands to help them.  A virtual community is created allowing them to communicate with one another in a simulated world.  Meanwhile, Hadens also have the ability to control robots known as “threeps” (aptly named as an homage to C-3P0).

Hadens stay at home and send threeps out into the world on their behalf.    The technology is so advanced that Hadens are able to hold down jobs with the assistance of their threeps.

Add to the mix integrators – humans whose minds can be “shared” with a Haden, thus giving the Haden the experience of what it feels like to have a functional human body.

The protagonist is Chris Shane – a Haden FBI agent whose threeps take a beating from the bad guys throughout the novel.  With the help of his partner, Leslie Vann, a former integrator, Shane is tasked with solving a murder case that intersects with the politics and intrigue behind the Haden world.

I am a big Scalzi fan.  I enjoy his ability to blend subtle humor into serious science fiction.  The premise makes for some interesting scenes.  For example, at one point, Shane uses his threep to foil an assassin trying to kill Shane’s defenseless body.

The book also gives rise to a discussion of virtual worlds and technology assisted realities.  Could tech ever grow to the point where the paralyzed are able to experience the world virtually?  What would be the ramifications?

I enjoyed it and highly recommend it.

STATUS:  Shelf worthy.

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Mar 05 2015
8 Comments
Ask the Alien

Alien Jones Taking Your Questions

BEHOLD! The mighty brainy one, taking your questions and plugging your work!

BEHOLD! The Mighty Brainy One, taking your questions and plugging your work!

Alien Jones!  He knows all and is taking your questions!  Inside his genius alien brain lies the secrets of the cosmos, the mysteries of the universe, and the answer to all multiple choice questions (it’s B).

Moreover, bribery is not beneath him!  Ask him a question and he might plug your book, blog, or other project in his answer.

Notice how I said “might.”  In other words, if your book is called, “I Heart Nazis!” or some other such nonsense, then no, he won’t plug it.  He has standards.  Otherwise, he’ll do his best to send the Bookshelf Battle’s 3.5 readers your way.

How did aliens master space flight?  Who are the most powerful aliens? Which restaurant makes the best chocolate chip pancakes?  Why was the Dexter series finale so godawful?

Your questions can be serious and thoughtful or funny and snarky.  In fact, he prefers the latter.

By the way, He of the Amazing Gray Matter, posed the following question to me today:

ALIEN JONES:  Bookshelf Q. Battler, does it occur to you that maybe people are leery to have their works promoted on a blog operated by an anonymous blogger with a penchant for sarcasm?

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: It does.  That’s why we have a guarantee.  If you don’t like Alien Jones’ plug for your work, he’ll pull it.  No questions asked.  No hard feelings.  Nothing to lose.  3.5 readers (eh, maybe a bit more even) to gain.  Just sent a private message to Bookshelf Battle on Twitter asking for Alien Jones to take your plug down.

Doesn’t get any more awesome than that, folks!  Submit your questions by midnight Friday to get your question in Sunday’s column.

Alien graphic courtesy of Marauder on openclipart.org

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Mar 04 2015
7 Comments
Writing

True or False

If you continue to write a novel, it will one day be written.  While your novel is half-written, ideas for new novels may poke into your head.  You will tell yourself that these ideas are easier to write, and thus you should abandon your first half-written novel to work on your new idea.  However, you just realize that what you thought was easy turns out to be hard, for there are few good novels without finely crafted twists and turns that required a lot of mental preparation on the part of the author.

Discuss.

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