Ladies, what are you worried your boyfriend might be?
I think I have the possibility that your boyfriend might a zombie covered but other than that, let me know what else you think your man might be.
Maybe I’ll just give everything up and keep writing top ten lists. The top ten lists seem to have me on my way to gaining another 3.5 readers. Seven readers – hooray!
Does your girlfriend take your money when you are in need?
Is she a triflin’ friend indeed?
In that case, whether or not you’re Jamie Foxx (as featured in Kanye West’s song Gold Digger) you might want to consult this expert list.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Gold Digger:
10. You actually have some gold to dig. If your ass is broke, then believe it or not, she might actually just like you for your personality. Who knew? I sure 9didn’t. I always thought you were a schmuck.
9. Uses you like her own personal ATM. If you’re asleep, she just picks you up, turns you upside down, and shakes you until all the loot falls out of your pockets.
8. Has a long laundry list of reasons why she can’t get a job. None of those problems ever interfere with her partying.
7. Her hands are always in your pants…until she finds your wallet and then they’re gone.
6. All of your credit cards are maxed out. Your bank accounts are drained. Creditors are banging down your door. You came home fully intent on putting your foot down on her cutting back but then she pouted…so you found a high interest loan from your friendly neighborhood loan shark. Soon, your kneecaps will be as busted as your credit score, but at least she’ll have seventeen pairs of high-heel boots in a variety of colors.
5. You tried to explain the concept of a coupon to her once. Gave up when a demonstration involving sock puppets (your left hand was the cashier and your right was the customer with the coupon) failed.
4. Talks you into taking her on exotic vacations often. Her social media feeds are full of pictures of her wearing one of those damn straw cowgirl hats shouting “Wooo!” with a red plastic cup in her hand. Your social media feed is just a bunch of pictures of you passed out on the hotel floor whilst clutching your heart and holding the bill.
3. Victoria’s Secret. Dolce and Gabbanna. Louis Vouitton. Every month your credit company calls you and asks, “Sir, did we accidentally send you Jennifer Lopez’ bill by mistake? Because our records indicate you are an ugly overweight middle aged man…” (Why are you using a credit card company that keeps such detailed records?)
2. Whenever she says “I just want to look good for you baby” she gets a whole new wardrobe.
Video Game Rack Fighter Cat – Official Pet of BQB’s Better-Half
Pets. They bring joy to our lives and only ask for food, water and the ability to poop and barf all over our rugs, furniture and priceless possessions in return because they are dirty disgusting little bastards.
Hey, no one threw you out that one time you pooped on the sofa (you know you did it) so you can give your furry friend a break for the occasional accident, right?
But what if it is two furry friends? Or three furry friends? Or fifty-eight furry friends?!
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Crazy Cat Lady:
10: Wherever she goes and whatever she set out to do, she never fails to come home with an extra cat. Trip to the store for milk? New cat. Dentist appointment? New cat. Went to the movies? New cat. Westminster Dog Show? New cat.
9. No matter what you do in the house, you run the risk of a cat falling and landing on your head. Open the cupboard for your breakfast cereal. Cat lands on your head. Open the closet to get a new shirt for the day. Cat lands on your head. Open the desk drawer to find a pen. A cat jumps up into the air and then…lands on your head.
8. You went to the doctor for a bad cough. X-rays indicate your lungs are 90% hair.
7. You buy those pet hair rollers with extra stickiness by the case.
6. You’ve become skilled at the 10-K hairball hork dash. (When a cat begins to make horking sounds and you pick it up and run it outside before it can puke all over the rug.)
5. What am I saying? Your girlfriend is a cat lady. You gave up on the rug years ago. That rug is 5% carpet fiber and 95% puke.
4. You have enough litter boxes in the basement to fill the Mojave three times off.
3. And for some reason, even though she wanted all the cats, you’re always cleaning the boxes because, I don’t know, women’s rights or some shit.
2. They take turns sleeping on your face. She says it is because they love you but you are pretty sure they are using their pillow like bodies to smother you in your sleep.
Tessa Fireswarm – YA Novel Protagonist/Attempts to Destroy BQB’s Magic Bookshelf Often
If you’ve been one of BQB’s 3.5 readers from the very beginning (my condolences to you for that is precious time out of your life that you will never get back) then you’re aware one of the characters living on BQB’s magic bookshelf is none other than a tiny version of Tessa Fireswarm, protagonist of the Arrowblast series.
What? Up your nose with a rubber hose, Suzanne Collins. Tessa is a true original.
Wait. This just in. Attorney Donnelly informs me that Tessa is a parody. Whatever. Just no one sue me please.
Anyway, when Tessa isn’t busy attempting to blow up the other characters living on BQB’s magic bookshelf in an ongoing war for shelf space, she occasionally advises BQB on the Young Adult genre.
Here now, with Tessa’s help, are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Young Adult Novel Heroine:
10. She can never decide between you and some other dude because you’re both so perfect and dreamy. Fear not because eventually one of you will do something douchey to make her decision a cinch.
9. Always wears black but oddly is not a goth.
8. Has never served in the military, engaged in combat, or even fired a gun before. Miraculously, still capable of overthrowing a cruel dictatorial regime set against the backdrop of a futuristic dystopia.
7. Politicians, generals and other heads of state are always interrupting your dates to consult her about every little thing. Talk about rude.
6. Her family has bought the farm courtesy of the evil dictator, thus motivating her hatred of whatever oppressive regime you happen to be living under. But hey, look at the bright side. No in-laws to drive you nuts on the holidays. Am I right? (What? Too soon?)
5. Her life’s story sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie except the adults are replaced with kids. Creepy!
4. Whenever she tells you her life’s story, she drones on and on. You don’t have the heart to tell her that she could cut it down into one book. In fact, you have a sneaking suspicion that she’s going for the trilogy.
3. Has a special power. Expert marksmanship. Telekinesis. Magic. Whatever her power is, it’s not “making sandwiches for boyfriends 101.” (Psst, women don’t have that power in the real world either so get used to it, kids!)
2. Zombies or zombie-like creatures seem to get crowbarred into her adventures for no other reason than hey, people like zombies!
Bookshelf Q. Battler – Owner of a Blog with 3.5 Readers, World Renowned Poindexter, Epic Nerdventurer, Reviewer of Pop Cultural Happenings, Champion Yeti Fighter and Acting Mayor of East Randomtown
Leo McKoy sure has been tossing a lot of insults toward Acting Mayor Battler this season. Meanwhile, here at the Battler campaign, we have refused to trade barbs with McKoy as we’re aware someone as hostile and angry as he is probably has a microscopic wang.
But let’s look at the facts, shall we?
East Randomtownsfolk have long looked to its town’s most famous citizens for leadership.
Mr. McKoy claims fame as “The Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek.”
But did he really? When you think about it…
…other than Leo McKoy himself, do we have anyone else’s word that McKoy actually delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek?
No. No we do not.
Let’s pick apart McKoy’s claim.
THAT JAMES VAN DER BEEK WAS IN EAST RANDOMTOWN
Why in God’s name would a popular celebrity with a hit television show (it was the late 90’s at the height of Van Der Beek’s fame when the Creek was on) be caught dead in a shithole like East Randomtown?
The East Randomtown Chamber of Commerce surveyed the town population:
QUESTION: Where would you like to be?
East Randomtown – .1 %
Anywhere Else Because East Randomtown Sucks Ass- .99%
*The guy that voted he’d like to be here later admitted he checked the wrong box by accident, thus indicating that literally no one in this town wants to be here because it sucks so much ass.
There you have it. So why would a celebrity be in East Randomtown? He wouldn’t be. No one wants to be in East Randomtown, let alone rich famous people who don’t have to be.
JAMES VAN DER BEEK ORDERED A REUBEN SANDWICH, BARBECUE CHIPS AND A SPRITE
James Van Der Beek maintains the body of a Greek god to this day, and certainly did while his show was on air in the late 1990’s.
Thus, we have a hard time believing that Mr. Van Der Beek would have stuffed his face with deli food. Everyone knows actors only eat twigs, berries and lettuce leaves.
Could he have splurged for a reuben sandwich, with its high calorie content and all? Maybe.
But would he have also ordered chips? And don’t you think he would have at least asked for a Diet Sprite?
Like a scab, the more you pick at McKoy’s story, the more disgusting shit falls out of it.
LEO MCKOY COULD POSSIBLY BE A DAMN ROBOT
We all saw McKoy die during last October’s zombie apocalypse, didn’t we? He was torn about by hungry zombies who didn’t leave much of our town’s most notorious barfly behind.
We here at the Battler campaign have wracked our brains, trying to figure out how McKoy could still be alive after all of that and our only answer is that he is most likely a robot, possibly controlled by the forces of evil.
To be fair, we have absolutely no evidence of this, but you should believe it without question anyway, because this ad is on the Internet and everybody knows that shit doesn’t get published on the Internet unless it is one hundred percent true.
Do you want someone who claims to be famous or someone who is famous?
Frankly, the only person who can corroborate that Leo McKoy actually delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek is James Van Der Beek. We doubt someone as noble and awesome as Mr. Van Der Beek would ever come to McKoy’s aid.
Meanwhile, Bookshelf Q. Battler has indeed set up a WordPress blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers. He’s happy to share the stats that prove this claim upon request.
You only get one vote, people. Cast yours for Bookshelf Q. Battler. He can do for East Randomtown what he has done for his blog.
PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT LEO MCKOY IS A LYING DOUCHE AND ALSO AN EVIL ROBOT AND THEREFORE YOU SHOULD VOTE BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER FOR EAST RANDOMTOWN MAYOR
Peter Dinklage was great last night as the host of Saturday Night Live. Lots of Game of Thrones jokes, he got naked with Leslie Jones and he did a duet about space pants with Gwen Stefani:
“Space pants! Maybe you missed ’em. My pants are a tour of the solar system.”
SPACE PANTS, MAYBE YOU MISSED ‘EM, MY PANTS ARE A TOUR OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM
Vampir. Children of the night. Demonic bloodsuckers.
Call them what you will but if your girlfriend is one of them, she might just call you lunch…and not in a good way.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs that Your Girlfriend Might Be a Vampire.
10. She’s the only girl you’ve ever dated who doesn’t spend a lot of time primping in front of the mirror.
9. Awkwardly works the word “bleah” into regular conversation.
8. Hypnotizes you through glamour techniques to get you to do her bidding. (This could be inconclusive as most women do this anyway.)
7. She totally sucks. Insert joke here.
6. You often wake up feeling woozy with two small holes in your neck. Calling her on it will do nothing as she’ll just shrug her shoulders, channel Shaggy and say “wasn’t me.”
5. Always has an excuse to get out of dates planned during the day. Long walks in the park or on the beach are out. Dive bars and rave clubs are in.
4. Seems a little too old mentally for her physical age. Swears she’s only twenty-five but get her drunk and she’ll tell you all about the dark ages.
3. Sometimes she seems a little cold. No, not emotionally cold. Whenever you hold her hand it’s like a damn popsicle.
2. Sleeps in a coffin. Swears its just because she’s a goth but you’re not convinced.
Ninjutsu. The ancient Japanese discipline that weaves martial arts, guerrilla warfare, espionage and clandestine assassination tactics into one lethal practitioner.
If a ninja wants you dead…you won’t know until you are dead.
But if you are dating a she-ninja, you won’t know until you consult this list.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja:
10. Although you think you might be alone, you’re pretty sure you just saw that shadow in the corner move. Don’t worry. That’s just ninja foreplay.
9. You keep finding her nunchucks in your dishwasher. It’s not that you don’t want to help her out but it just seems rude she won’t pre-rinse the blood off of them first.
8. Sometimes when you’re alone and in the mood, a fast moving gust of wind will zoom through the window, knock you down, move around, then disappear just as quickly as it arrived. You’re left confused yet strangely satisfied and in need of a cigarette.
7. You wish she could be like most women and leave your “Honey-Do” list of chores on the kitchen table. Instead, you’ve grown accustomed to walking down the hall, minding your own business, only to have a damn throwing knife sail past your eyes. It ends up pinned to the wall with a note attached that reads, “Take out the trash. You forgot to last week and it is starting to stink. Also be a lamb and get my dry cleaning.”
6. She wins every argument by shooting you in the neck with a blow dart.
5. Her closet has more black outfits hanging in it than Johnny Cash ever owned.
4. As a joke, you told her that her butt looks big in those black pants. As her foot connected to your face in a perfectly executed roundhouse kick, you realized this joke was ill advised.
3. She runs up the sides of buildings. You get winded running a mile down the road.
2. Brings her katana blade on every date. Refuses to explain why. You try your best to make small talk but you can still see the handle peaking over her shoulder as it sits in the sheath strapped to her back.
Oh Hollywood. When will you ever learn that every time you put out another cheesy romantic movie, you’re causing the women in our lives to hold us up to ridiculously high standards?
Men, are your women way into romance flicks for YOUR own good?
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the top ten warning signs your girlfriend might be a romance movie fanatic:
10. She watched Serendipity then erased her number from your phone and wrote it down in a copy of the book, Love in the Time of Cholera. She sold the book to a used book store and then informed you that you will never talk to her again unless fate sees that the book with her number in it makes its way to you. You call her the next day and you are all like “Seriously babe I remember your number because we’ve been dating for years” and she’s like “Why do you ruin everything?”
9. Whenever she watches Sleepless in Seattle, she demands that you meet her at the top of the Empire State Building. After doing this once or twice, you sit her down for a talk in which you explain that while you do love her very much, you’re going to end up in the poor house if you have to take time off of work, fly to New York City and then stand around on top of the Empire State Building like a jackass every time Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are on TV. She laments your total lack of Tom Hanks in his prime charm.
8. Ever since she saw Notting Hill she greets you with “I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her.” It seems sweet at first, but then she starts demanding you speak with a Hugh Grant-esque British accent. You could do it to keep the peace if you wanted to. It’s mostly just going “um um um uh” a lot but you refuse to demean yourself. You’re an American, dammit and she can take your regular voice or leave it. (Psst…she’ll probably leave it.)
7. My Best Friend’s Wedding leaves her disappointed if get togethers involving your family don’t break out in a spontaneous song and dance rendition of I Say A Little Prayer For You. You try your best to make it happen but your Aunt Edna can’t hit the high notes.
6. Her love of Say Anything requires you to stand outside her window in a trench coat whilst holding a boom box in the air. She won’t make any reasonable concessions about this. You still have to wear the trench coat in August and no matter how heavy the boom box gets, she won’t let you hold up your iPhone with Pandora blaring on it instead.
5. Chasing Amy has led her to believe your relationship would improve if a) she were to become a lesbian and b) you tried to look more like Ben Affleck. The lesbian thing is doable but the Ben Affleck thing is unlikely.
4. Ever since you two watched The Notebook, she asks if you’d spend a large chunk of your life in a depressed funk if she were to ever leave you. You realize it’s for your own good to say yes but deep inside, you know there are other fish in the sea. Most won’t require you to climb up the side of a ferris wheel like a dumb ass either.
3. She has long dreamed that you’d become more like Patrick Swayze in Ghost and sensually work a pottery wheel with her in perfect time with her hands. You try your best but the apartment just ends up covered with sticky gobs of clay. Part of you just wants to give her five bucks to go buy a damn ash tray, flower pot or whatever she’s always trying to make with that thing.
2. She made you watch Love Story. You’ve been on anti-depressants ever since.
Witch.
Not exactly the nicest thing to call your girlfriend…unless she is one.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warnings Signs that Your Smoochy Poo might be a Witchy Poo:
10. She’s always green…even when she isn’t sick.
9. But unlike Kermit, being green is easy for her.
8. Whenever she leaves, your broomstick is nowhere to be found. That’s ok though because you weren’t that much of a housekeeper anyway you dirty slob.
7. You’re not entirely sure water would melt her, but now that you think of it, you can’t recall ever seeing her drink a bottle of Aquafina. Maybe she’s a witch or maybe she’s just not a dumb ass who is willing to shell out good money for bottled water when the tap is perfectly fine. (But seriously, if you two live in Flint, Michigan and she doesn’t drink Aquafina then she is a big time witch my friend.)
6. Her closet contains a wide selection of black pointy hats with belt buckles on them. She is unable to explain what the hell those belt buckles are for. Seriously, does anyone out there know why witch hats have belt buckles on them? Belts are for pants you dumb witches!
5. She steadfastly maintains that Dorothy was the villain in The Wizard of Oz.
4. Her purse contents include: lipstick, chapstick, hairspray, mints and eye of newt.
3. Always wins the fight by turning you into a toad. She eventually turns you back to normal, but your craving for flies never goes away.
2. She cackles at all of your jokes. But she’s got a good heart because she even cackles at the ones that aren’t funny. And most of them aren’t funny.
HONORABLE MENTION
We would have also accepted:
Bookshelf Battle 