In the first floor lavatory of the Beta Theta Zeta sorority house, Gretchen primped herself in front of the mirror, being careful to make sure her makeup was just right.
“Ahem,” Eleanor said as she pulled a crinkled up piece of paper out of her pocket and flattened it out on the sink counter. “I wrote you a little something.”
“You did?” Gretchen asked. “You shouldn’t have.”
“Please,” Eleanor said. “You know spoken word poetry is my bag. Ahem.”
Eleanor coughed at least six or seven more times into her hand until her vocal chords were primed and ready. She then read from the paper. “‘My love for you is like a river – deep, winding, mysterious…and oh so wet.’”
“That’s nice,” Gretchen said. “Short and sweet – just like you.”
“It’s not over,” Eleanor said.
Gretchen ran a tube of bubblegum colored lipstick over her lips. “Oh sorry.”
“Come,” Eleanor read from her masterpiece. “Join me! Become one with my spiritual canoe and together we will float down a river filled with our love forever and ever and ever and ever and…”
“Thanks, Elle,” Gretchen said.
It wasn’t over. “…and ever and ever and ever…”
Gretchen rolled her eyes. “You’ve got a way with words.”
“There was like twenty more ‘and evers’ but I think you get the gist,” Eleanor said.
Gretchen smiled and pecked Eleanor on the cheek. The hipster girl’s cheek flushed.
“That was wonderful,” Gretchen said. “Thank you.”
“So,” Eleanor said. “Will you?”
“Will I what?” Gretchen asked.
Eleanor through up her arms in exasperation. “Float down the river of love with me for ever and ever and ever…”
Gretchen’s stomach turned. “Oh…you were serious?”
Eleanor was quiet for a moment, then blew Gretchen a raspberry. “Pbbbht! As if!”
Gretchen giggled. “Oh my God! You got me!”
“I totally got you!” Eleanor said.
“I mean, I’m only twenty-one,” Gretchen said. “‘Forever is a long time and I don’t know if I’m done with penis yet.’”
Eleanor fumed, then took a deep breath and calmed herself down. “How do you not know if you are done with the very instrument of oppression that men the patriarchy has been unleashing upon the sisterhood since the dawn of time?”
“The penis?” Gretchen asked.
“Yes!” Eleanor shouted. “Of course, the penis! How do you think the patriarchy…”
Wham! The bathroom door flew open and a quartet hurried in just in time to avoid Eleanor’s latest antri-patriarchy rant.
“Get me to the shitter!” Chad cried. “For the love of God, get me to the shitter!”
“Move!” Britney shouted. “Everyone out of the way!”
“Chad,” Lilly said. “I know this is a bad time but do you want to go out next weekend?”
“Can’t…talk,” Chad said as Britney and Paul led the big man on campus into a stall. “Must…poop…out…everything…I have ever eaten before…in my entire…life.”
“That’s cool,” Lilly said. “You can hit me up later on Lifebox or something.”
Paul closed the stall door and he and Britney stepped back as Chad did his dirty business.
“Ohhh!” Chad cried as the bathroom became engulfed in an orchestra of terrible sounds and even worse smells. “Sweet relief!”
“Just let it all out, man,” Paul said. “You’ll be fine.”
Gretchen stepped away the mirror and looked at Paul and Britney. “Oh my God. Is that Chad Becker?”
A series of toots erupted from the stall before Chad answered. “In the flesh, babe…”
“Oh my God,” Gretchen said. “Chad! Why didn’t you call me back?”
“Oh,” Britney said. “For the love of…seriously?”
“Which one are you again?” Chad asked as the toilet bowl ramped up the echoes of his butt blasts.
“Gretchen Dieterman,” Gretchen said.
“Short girl,” Chad said. “A little pudgy?”
“God no,” Gretchen replied.
“I don’t know,” Chad said as he stood up off on the toilet. He got down on his knees on the dirty bathroom floor and puked into the already brown toilet water. “I’ll check my records and get back to you.”
“That’s cool,” Gretchen said as she twirled a strand of her hair around her finger. “Whatevs.”
“Wait,” Lilly said. “Chad, you said you were going to call ME back three months ago. Now you’re going to call this skank back before me?”
“Them’s the breaks, girl…BLEAH!!!”
Gretchen got into Lilly’s face. “Who are you calling a skank, bitch?”
Lilly refused to back down. “Who are you calling a bitch, bitch?”
Britney positioned herself in-between the bickering females. “Are you two really going to fight over this loser?”
Chad was back, sitting on the bowl again. More farts. More smells. “Babe, I’m not a loser. What do you call a man who dedicated ten years of his life to getting a two-year community college degree?”
“A loser,” Britney said.
“Well,” Chad said. “You say tomato, I say ‘tomahto.’ You call me a loser, but I just say that means I’m committed.”
“Like you know anything about commitment, Chad,” Britney said. “Your parents just keep paying for you to go here because they don’t want you living with them, destroying their house and you keep failing classes because you know you’ll never make it in the real world.”
“Wait,” Lilly said.
“You dated him too?” Gretchen asked.
“Worst mistake of my life,” Britney said.
“Paul!” Chad shouted. “Paul, you out there bro?”
“Yeah,” Paul replied.
“Gonna need some major TP, bro!”
“Right,” Paul said. The nerd opened up an empty stall, pulled the toilet paper roll out of the dispenser, then hurled it over the side of Chad’s stall.
“Much obliged, kemo sabe,” Chad said.
“Don’t mention it,” Paul said.
“Whoa,” Lilly said. “How do we know you’re not over Chad?”
“Yeah,” Gretchen said. “Maybe you’re just trying to scare us off so you can have him all to yourself.”
Chad’s backside ripped a sound akin to the motor of a struggling leaf blower. “Putt, putt, putt, putt, putt…”
“If that doesn’t scare you off, nothing will,” Britney said.
Eleanor had had enough of this unsavory display. She stopped her foot and started screaming. “Enough! Gretchen, you dated that…that…thing in there?”
“I told you I didn’t know if I was done with penis yet,” Gretchen said.
“Why is he here?” Gretchen said as he pointed at Chad’s stall. She then pointed at Paul. “And why is he here? This is a female restroom only!”
“It was an emergency,” Britney said. “The idiot soused himself on Spazenbrau and it was literally coming out of both ends.”
Chad farted. “Still is.”
“This is unacceptable,” Eleanor said as she pulled out her cell phone. “I’m calling campus police.”
“Oh come on,” Britney said. “Is that really necessary?”
“It is absolutely necessary,” Eleanor said.
“But Elle,” Gretchen whined. “You’re going to get him in trouble!”
“He got himself in trouble by coming in here,” Eleanor said.
Chad let a few stinkers rip, then interrupted the conversation. “I identify as a chick!”
Eleanor’s face scrunched up. “What?”
“I self-identify as a female!” Chad shouted between butt blasts. “I just now started thinking, ‘Damn, I really wish I was born with a vagina instead of a penis. What a drag.’”
Paul laughed. Britney lowered her head into hear hands out of sheer embarrassment.
Eleanor swiped the hang up button on her phone. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I’m a chick on the inside and I have a spiritual vagina,” Chad said. “And Sitwell Community College has a very strict policy when it comes to people being allowed to use the bathroom that corresponds to their gender identity.”
“Oh no,” Eleanor said as she put her phone back in her pocket. “I’m very sorry I disturbed you, ma’am.”
“You should be!” Chad shouted as he strained on the toilet. “Oh Jesus, my ass is on fire!”
“I didn’t mean to,” Eleanor said. “I consider myself to be one of the most woke students on this campus but I guess we all make mistakes.”
“It’s cool,” Chad said. “Not your fault you’re a dumbass.”
“I can relate because sometimes I wish I was born with a penis instead of a vagina,” Eleanor said.
“Well,” Chad said. “Would that I could rip my penis off and trade you your vagina for it but I’m no medical scientist so I don’t know how to do that.”
Britney shook her head. “I just…I can’t believe this is my life.”
Paul just laughed and laughed and laughed.
“Wait,” Eleanor said as she looked at Paul. “What about you?”
“What about me?” Paul asked.
“Do you also self-identify as a female?”
Paul scratched his head and stalled for awhile.
“Tell her the truth, Beermeister,” Chad said.
“I…I…”
Chad made a courtesy flush, then turned the new water brown instantly. “Tell her about your spiritual cooter, dummy!”
“I’m uh…just going to be outside.” Paul walked out of the bathroom and closed the door behind him.
“That’s too bad that you’re a woman now, Chad,” Gretchen said. “I was really hoping to do something with you.”
“Me too,” Lilly said.
“Skank,” Gretchen said.
“Bitch,” Lilly replied.
“Oh, don’t worry ladies,” Chad said. “I can still stick it to the two of you.”
Eleanor pulled the phone out of her pocket. “I knew it! You love your penis and you are ruled by it! I’m calling the cops!”
“No, no!” Chad said. “Gender is fluid!”
“Oh,” Eleanor said as she returned the phone to her pocket. “I forgot about it.”
“Today I hate my penis, thus allowing me to use the ladies’ room,” Chad said. “But for all I know, I might start loving the little guy again and may even feel manly enough to give it to Lucy and Gretel over there.”
“Lilly,” Lilly said.
“Gretchen,” Gretchen added.
“I’m a monster,” Eleanor said. “Please forgive me.”
Chad unleashed a torrent of plops right into the toilet. “It’s a tall order but I’ll try.”
“Thank you,” Eleanor said. “You’re very brave.”
“I know,” Chad replied.
“Damn it,” Britney muttered under her breath. “He can even charm lesbians.”
“What?” Eleanor asked.
“Oh nothing,” Britney said as she leaned up against the wall.
All of a sudden, the pipe connecting to Chad’s toilet rumbled.
“Jesus, Chad,” Britney said. “Is that you?”
“I don’t think so,” Chad replied.
“RAAARRRRRGHHHH!” A loud, beastly roar filled the bathroom. The wall of the stall flew off. It sailed through the air before landing on top of the four girls, pinning them to the ground.
Chad had no idea what was consuming him. All he knew was that something sharp, actually many sharp somethings, were shredding his torso, tearing him and grinding him apart, mashing his body into mush and spraying his body and bits everywhere.
“Oh God!” were Chad’s last words. “I haven’t banged enough chicks yet! Oh God!”
Britney’s vision was blurry, a condition caused by her head smacking into the bathroom floor. She pulled herself out from underneath the stall wall and crawled along the watery floor. The broken pipe sent gallons everywhere.
“Hissssssss….”
Britney turned her head toward the scary sound. Her eyes started to focus. For a brief moment, she caught site of what her brain registered as an enormous, menacing, toothy lizard. It stared at Britney. Britney stared back, then she passed out.
Bookshelf Battle 